SHAME vs GUILT
This handout provides information on distinguishing shame from guilt
and offers guidance for addressing these emotions.
Shame
Shame is feeling bad about yourself as
a person. Examples of statements that
may indicate shame: "I am worthless," "I
am unlovable," "I am broken."
Shame is a defense mechanism that was
useful in the past to keep oneself safe,
but it can cause problems in
relationships and life when it is no
longer necessary.
Guilt
Guilt is feeling bad about a specific
action or behavior. Examples of
statements that may indicate guilt: "I did
something bad," "I made a mistake."
Guilt is a healthy emotion that prompts
remorse and a desire to make amends.
Understanding the difference between shame and guilt can help you
identify and address negative self-talk and judgments, as well as improve
your relationships and overall well-being.
What to do
When you
experience shame:
When you
experience guilt:
Exercise self-compassion.
Recognize shame as a survival tactic.
Seek healthy connections with others.
Talk to someone you trust.
MentallyFitPro.com
Admit you are wrong.
Take responsibility.
Seek forgiveness.
Change your behavior.
When is Shame & Guilt Justified?
This handout helps distinguish justified from unjustified shame and guilt, and
provides a checklist for determining which one you're experiencing.
Unjustified
Justified
Guilt and shame are justified when they
arise as a result of actions that violate our
values and harm ourselves or others. They
serve as a signal to pause, reflect, and take
accountability for our actions.
Guilt and shame are not justified when
they stem from negative messages and
beliefs internalized during childhood and
are not rooted in actions that violate our
values or harm others.
EXAMPLES:
Justified shame: Cheating on a test, feeling shame for going against values and harming others.
Unjustified shame: Feeling shame for a physical characteristic, not rooted in any action that
violates values and is not harmful to others but due to internalized negative beliefs.
Justified guilt: A person feels guilty after breaking a promise to a friend, which goes against
their values and harms their relationship.
Unjustified guilt: Feeling guilty for receiving a compliment, not rooted in any action that
violates values--and is not harmful to others-- but rather due to internalized negative beliefs.
HOW TO DETERMINE IF YOUR SHAME / GUILT IS JUSTIFIED:
1. Describe the events leading up to your experiencing the emotion in detail.
2. Consider alternative possibilities of the events.
3. Identify thoughts, beliefs, and assumptions about the events.
4. Evaluate if the emotion aligns with your personal values and morals.
5. Consider if the emotion is a result of harm caused to yourself or others.
6. Determine if the shame is rooted in actual harm or violation of values or if it is based on
internalized beliefs or societal expectations.
MentallyFitPro.com
Checking the Facts
This handout shows an example of justified guilt for someone in
recovery from addiction who relapsed.
Emotion Name: Guilt
Prompting Event: I relapsed and used drugs again.
Intensity (0-100): 70
Facts: I relapsed and used drugs again.
Interpretations (thoughts, beliefs, etc.):
I have let everyone down, including myself.
I am a failure for breaking my sobriety.
I will never be able to overcome my addiction.
Checking the facts:
Relapsing does not mean that I have let everyone down, it's a common part of the
recovery process, and it's an opportunity to learn from my mistakes and to get back
on track.
Relapsing doesn't mean that I am a failure, it's a setback, but it doesn't define my
worth or my ability to recover
Relapsing doesn't mean that I will never be able to overcome my addiction, it's a
challenge, but with the right support and tools, I can still achieve lasting recovery.
Reframe: I broke my sobriety and used drugs again, but that doesn't mean I am a failure or
that I will never be able to overcome my addiction.
Action: I will take responsibility for my actions and apologize to those I have hurt. I will seek
help from my support system, such as my therapist, sponsor, or support group and make
amends.
I will embrace humility and work towards forgiveness, both for myself and others. I will also
use this as an opportunity to learn and grow, to identify triggers and develop strategies to
prevent future relapses. I will remind myself that recovery is a journey and setbacks
happen, but with determination and persistence, I can still achieve lasting recovery.
MentallyFitPro.com
Checking the Facts
This handout shows an example of justified guilt for someone
who broke a promise to a friend.
Emotion Name: Guilt
Prompting Event: I broke a promise to a friend.
Intensity (0-100): 70
Facts: I broke a promise to a friend.
Interpretations (thoughts, beliefs, etc.):
I am not a trustworthy person.
My friend will never want to be friends with me again.
I am a terrible person.
Checking the facts:
Breaking a promise does not make me an untrustworthy person. It's a mistake,
but it doesn't define my character.
My friend may be upset with me, but that doesn't mean they will never want to
be friends with me again.
Breaking a promise doesn't make me a terrible person.
Reframe: I broke a promise to a friend, which I regret, but it doesn't define me as an
untrustworthy person.
Action: I will take responsibility for my actions and apologize to my friend. I will make
amends and do my best to keep my promises in the future. I will also practice selfcompassion and remind myself that we are all human and we make mistakes.
MentallyFitPro.com
Checking the Facts
This handout shows an example of unjustified guilt for someone
who didn't attend a family member's wedding.
Emotion Name: Guilt
Prompting Event: I did not attend a family
member's wedding.
Intensity (0-100): 70
Facts: I did not attend a family member's wedding.
Interpretations (thoughts, beliefs, etc.):
I am a terrible family member for not being there.
My family member must hate me for not being there.
I am a terrible person.
Checking the facts:
Not attending a wedding doesn't make me a terrible family member, there could
be valid reasons for not being able to attend.
Not being present at a wedding doesn't mean that my family member hates me,
they may understand my reasons for not being there.
Not attending a wedding doesn't make me a terrible person.
Reframe: I didn't attend a family member's wedding, but that doesn't mean I am a
terrible family member or person. expectations.
Action: I will communicate with my family member and express my regret for not
being able to attend, but I will also remind myself that I have my own reasons, and
that I have shown my love and care for them in other ways. I will also practice selfcompassion and not to internalize societal expectations.
MentallyFitPro.com
Checking the Facts
This handout shows an example of unjustified shame for
someone who did not get a promotion at work.
Emotion Name: Shame
Prompting Event: I did not get a promotion at work.
Intensity (0-100): 70
Facts: I wanted a promotion and did not get it..
Interpretations (thoughts, beliefs, etc.):
I am not good enough for the promotion.
My colleagues must think I am incompetent.
I will never be successful in my career.
Checking the facts:
Not getting a promotion does not necessarily mean I am not good enough or
incompetent. There could be various factors that played a role in the decision.
There's no evidence that my colleagues think I am incompetent.
Not getting a promotion doesn't mean that I will never be successful in my career,
it may just mean that I need to work harder or find other opportunities.
Reframe: I did not get a promotion at work, but that doesn't mean that I am not
good enough or incompetent.
Action: I will continue to work hard and learn from this experience, and look for
other opportunities for growth and advancement. I will also practice selfcompassion and not to internalize societal expectations.
MentallyFitPro.com
Checking the Facts
This handout shows an example of justified shame for someone
who hurt a friends feelings by making hurtful comments.
Intensity (0-100): 70
Emotion Name: Shame
Prompting Event: I hurt a friend's feelings by making a
hurtful comment in a group of people.
Facts: I hurt a friend's feelings by making a hurtful comment in a group of people.
Interpretations (thoughts, beliefs, etc.):
I am a terrible friend.
My friend will never want to speak to me again.
I am a terrible person.
Checking the facts:
I made a mistake by making a hurtful comment, but that doesn't mean I
am a terrible friend.
My friend may be hurt but that doesn't mean they will never want to speak
to me again.
Making a mistake doesn't make me a terrible person.
Reframe: I hurt my friend's feelings by making a hurtful comment, which I regret,
but that doesn't define me as a terrible friend or person.
Action: I will take responsibility for my actions and apologize to my friend and do
my best to make amends. I will also work on being more mindful and
considerate in the future.
MentallyFitPro.com
Checking the Facts
This handout shows an example of justified shame for someone
who didn't attend a family member's wedding.
Emotion Name: Shame
Prompting Event: I hurt a friend's feelings by making a
hurtful comment in a group of people.
Intensity (0-100): 70
Facts: I hurt a friend's feelings by making a hurtful comment in a group of people.
Interpretations (thoughts, beliefs, etc.):
I am a terrible friend.
My friend will never want to speak to me again.
I am a terrible person.
Checking the facts:
I made a mistake by making a hurtful comment, but that doesn't mean I am a
terrible friend.
My friend may be hurt but that doesn't mean they will never want to speak to me
again.
Making a mistake doesn't make me a terrible person.
Reframe: I hurt my friend's feelings by making a hurtful comment, which I regret, but
that doesn't define me as a terrible friend or person.
Action: I will take responsibility for my actions and apologize to my friend and do my best
to make amends. I will also work on being more mindful and considerate in the future.
MentallyFitPro.com
Checking the Facts (Exercise)
"Checking the Facts" helps to determine if emotions like guilt or shame
are justified, which will help determine how to resolve it.
Emotion Name: ____________
Prompting Event: __________
Intensity (0-100): _____
Facts: ____________________________________________________________________________.____
________________________________________________________________________________________
Interpretations (thoughts, beliefs, etc.):
________________________
________________________
________________________
Checking the facts:
________________________
________________________
________________________
Reframe:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Action:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
MentallyFitPro.com
7-Step Process for Dealing
with Guilt & Shame
Step 1: Reflect on the specific actions or behaviors that are causing the guilt or shame.
Identify the specific actions or behaviors that are the source of the guilt or shame and
think about how they align with your values and beliefs.
Step 2: Examine the facts of the situation.
Consider if the guilt or shame is fitting the facts of the situation. Is it appropriate and
warranted given the circumstances?
Step 3: Consider the potential consequences of your actions.
If the guilt or shame is justified, it may indicate that your actions have caused harm or
violated important values or morals.
Step 4: Reflect on your thoughts and feelings.
Take a look at the thoughts and feelings that are accompanying the guilt or shame. Are
they realistic and based on facts or are they exaggerated and distorted?
Step 5: Seek feedback from trusted individuals.
Talk to trusted people such as friends, family, or a therapist, to gain perspective on the
situation and whether or not the guilt or shame is justified.
Step 6: Determine if Guilt or Shame is Justified or Unjustified.
Based on the information gathered in steps 1-5, make a determination if the guilt or
shame is justified or unjustified..
Step 7: Take Appropriate Action.
If the emotion is justified, take steps to repair the transgression, apologize, commit
to avoiding the same mistake in the future and accept the consequences of your
behavior.
If the emotion is unjustified, consider using DBT skills such as opposite action to
regulate the emotion.
MentallyFitPro.com
7-Step Process for Dealing
with Guilt & Shame (Exercise)
Step 1: Reflect on Specific Actions or Behaviors -What specific actions or behaviors are causing
the guilt or shame? -How do these actions or behaviors align with my values and beliefs?
______________________________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 2: Examine the Facts of the Situation -Is the guilt or shame fitting the facts of the situation? Is the guilt or shame appropriate and warranted given the circumstances?
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 3: Consider the Potential Consequences -What harm or violations of important values or
morals have my actions caused? -How might my actions affect others?
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 4: Reflect on Thoughts and Feelings -What thoughts and feelings are accompanying
the guilt or shame? -Are these thoughts and feelings realistic and based on facts or
exaggerated and distorted?
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 5: Seek Feedback from Trusted Individuals -Who are some trusted individuals such as
friends, family, or a therapist I can talk to for feedback?
___________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 6: Determine if Guilt or Shame is Justified or Unjustified -Based on the information
gathered in steps 1-5, is the guilt or shame justified or unjustified?
______________________________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 7: Take Appropriate Action -If the emotion is justified, what steps can I take to repair the
transgression, apologize, commit to avoiding the same mistake in the future and accept the
consequences of my behavior? -If the emotion is unjustified, how can I apply 'opposite action?'
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
MentallyFitPro.com