HEALTHY
RELATIONSHIPS
GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT
WITHOUT COMPROMISING
WHO YOU ARE
MARK MANSON
MARKMANSON.NET
© 2019
Mark Manson
PART 1: EMOTIONAL NEEDS IN
INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS
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In sex, dating and relationships, words and actions are only as useful
as the emotions they elicit. They don’t have any intrinsic value by
themselves.
When we interact with someone we’re attracted to and it doesn’t go as
we’d hoped, we often come away thinking that if only we would have
said or done something differently, things could have turned out much
better. When we get dumped, we obsessively search our memories for
the moments, or even ​the​ moment, where it all went wrong, and then
we kick ourselves for the things we did or didn’t do in those moments
that could have saved it all.
But it’s precisely this insecurity about ​what​ to do that backfires on us.
By focusing too much on what we should say or how we should act
around someone—whether it’s someone we just met or someone we’ve
been with for years—we fail to acknowledge the emotional realities
that define the quality of the relationship between us.
Our relationships, then, should be viewed in terms of emotional needs
rather than actions. Emotional needs are the fundamental factors that
determine what actually happens in each interaction. The words,
actions, and behaviors can shift and change and collide, but like
tectonic plates floating on a hot surface beneath, it’s the emotional
needs that create the results. If you feel unsure or unsafe, it will bleed
through your words and actions and inhibit you from proceeding any
further. If you feel lame and used, you’ll find a way to flake out, no
matter what someone says or does.
If you can identify the emotional realities underlying your interactions
and relationships, then you’ll truly understand whether you’re a ​fuck
yes or a no​.
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IDENTIFYING YOUR FUNDAMENTAL EMOTIONAL
NEEDS
On the surface, this sounds fairly straightforward. But the problem is
that emotional processes are quite enigmatic.
It’s easy to ​obsess over what you might say​ to someone or to endlessly
ponder the reasons why they might have done what they did when
they did it—but you can’t see or touch the emotions that are driving
the interaction and, ultimately, your relationship with them. It’s a
subjective interpretation of a situation, and so pointing to specific
examples can be difficult, especially to those who are woefully
unaware of the needs of others (as well as their own). Telling them to
look for something that they don’t even know is there can be like
asking Stevie Wonder to read you a lunch menu.
The idea that humans are motivated primarily by emotions and use
conscious decisions to justify their unconscious decisions is a
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cornerstone of psychological thought going all the way back to Freud.
It’s the basis for the entire profession of ​marketing​, salesmanship, and
public relations. And in fact, research in neuroscience has found that
actions and impulses originate in “emotional regions” of your brain
first and are then processed by “rational regions”—​not the other way
2
around​.
So, for instance in our initial interactions with someone, we experience
an immediate gut reaction ​and then​ form a conscious opinion of them.
Our subsequent behavior towards them, or even how we might change
our opinion of them, is all based on this initial emotional reaction. Our
frontal cortex “rational brain” might paint a colorful picture of the
person and the situation, but your emotional reaction is what chooses
the color palette to begin with.
For instance, someone you just met who isn’t all that into you will
likely come up with a benign or irrelevant reason for why they’re
rejecting you, which is their way of rationalizing their initial feelings
towards you. So does this make them shallow and cold-hearted?
Not necessarily. Our emotional reactions to each other are a
combination of so many factors, both conscious and unconscious, that
we’ll never be able to pinpoint them all with certainty. And not only
that, but what causes one person to have a positive reaction to you
might make another feel completely different (or even indifferent).
So instead of looking at which words or even which actions work the
best in your relationships, we should pay attention to ​which emotions
1
Freud, S. (1915). ​The unconscious​.
2
This is obviously oversimplified, but the principles hold true with what we know about
emotional information processing so far. Seee: Damasio, A. R. (1994). ​Descartes’ Error:
Emotion, Reason, and the Human Brain​.​ ​New York: Putnam.
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we want to elicit for the best results and strongest connections. What’s
important is zeroing in on the emotional motivation behind another’s
judgments and perceptions, not the actual judgments or perceptions
themselves.
This may sound difficult or complicated, but it’s actually quite
straightforward. There’s little logic to learn. It’s merely an exercise of
practicing empathy and intuiting what others are feeling rather than
thinking and analyzing their surface reactions. It’s ​removing​ your
mental blocks rather than erecting new models of information.
THE 3 FUNDAMENTAL EMOTIONAL NEEDS IN
RELATIONSHIPS
I’ve zeroed in on what I consider to be the three primary emotional
motivators when it comes to sex, dating, and relationships. These
three motivators exist for everyone. How well we meet these needs or
don’t meet them determines the quality and duration of our
interactions and relationships. The three fundamental emotional
needs are:
1. Status​. Feeling important or superior; feeling challenged.
2. Connection​. Feeling understood and appreciated; shared
values and experiences.
3. Security​. Feeling safe and reliable; feeling trust.
These three emotional triggers are universal. We all have them and
our willingness to become intimate with someone is based on these
three triggers and ​how we prioritize them​.
Some of us prioritize the search for status and challenge far more than
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security and trust. Others seek out connection and appreciation and
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aren’t as interested in status.
It’s common in relationships to feel ambivalent or slightly torn with
the person you’re with. You kind of like them, but you wonder if
there’s someone else you’ll like more that you haven’t met yet. Maybe
you really like being alone with them, but around your friends, they’re
cold and distant and seemingly a different person.
In fact, this sort of ambivalence is often the rule with people we date,
not the exception, and it’s driven by the emotional needs that either
are or aren’t being met.
Marston, P. J., Hecht, M. L., Manke, M. L., Mcdaniel, S., & Reeder, H. (1998). ​The subjective
experience of intimacy, passion, and commitment in heterosexual loving relationships​.
Personal Relationships​, ​5​(1), 15–30.
3
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For instance, let’s say you’re seeing someone who is well liked and
considered attractive by all of your friends (triggers your motivation
for status), but you find them self-centered at times (negatively
triggers your need for connection) and they can be flaky and opaque
(negatively triggers your need for security).
Do you tolerate their behavior? There may not seem to be a whole lot
of depth in your relationship, but you have a great time socializing
together with other people. You cut them a lot of slack and keep giving
them second chances. After all, your friends always talk about how
great you are together, and your friends are good people, right?
...Right?
Or perhaps you meet someone who is a bit unstable and erratic, but
when you two are alone together, you have the ​most amazing
chemistry and connection​—it’s just that those moments are few and
far between.
The lack of security you feel will be in constant tension with the feeling
of connection and appreciation you feel for one another and you’ll
struggle to figure out what to do, often moving back and forth between
cutting them off and moving on​, or going back and trying things again.
This can seem pretty messy, but it’s actually makes a lot of sense when
you realize we all just process these needs a little differently.
WHICH EMOTIONAL NEED(S) DO YOU
PRIORITIZE?
While we all share these same emotional needs, we each differ in how
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we prioritize some needs over others.​ Some people have a high need
for security. Others are looking for connection first. And what’s more
is that our needs often interact and feedback onto one another. So for
instance, the lack of security you provide might actually create a sense
of status and challenge for some.
Emotional motivators can also manifest in ​healthy​ and ​unhealthy
forms. For example:
Status.​ The normal and healthy emotional need for status and
importance can become an unhealthy vanity and superficiality. We
might seek out people based on their looks or their money or their
fame or their prestige or what our friends think of them. When too
much emphasis is placed on these things, the need for status begins to
suppress our needs for connection and security. Pursuing these
superficial traits at the expense of other emotional needs will often
leave us feeling lonely and depressed.
Connection.​ The normal and healthy need for connection and
appreciation can morph into unhealthy dependency and neediness.
The clingy boyfriend/girlfriend, or the person who incessantly calls
and texts, desperately asking for a date. This overwhelming need for
acceptance and affection can crowd out the normal and healthy needs
for security and status. A desperate person will overlook their
partner’s flaws or infidelities, settling on anyone who will accept them
and show them just a little attention.
Security.​ The normal and healthy need for security and commitment
Acker, M., & Davis, M. H. (1992). ​Intimacy, passion and commitment in adult romantic
relationships: A test of the triangular theory of love​. ​Journal of Social and Personal
Relationships​, ​9​(1), 21–50.
4
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can become an unhealthy form of possessiveness, obsession, and
jealousy. This unhealthy drive can crowd out normal and healthy
forms of connection and importance. It’s seen in the fits of jealous
outrage when someone thinks their partner is engaging in even the
slightest hint of flirting with another person. It’s the couple that stays
together because their comfortable lifestyle is dependent on each
other’s income.
EMOTIONAL NEEDS CAN SHIFT AND CHANGE
Everyone exhibits different levels of these emotional needs, and one’s
emotional needs can change over time. Many ​in their early 20s​ seek
status and fun and partying. In ​their 30s​, they might prioritize
connection​ and acceptance, and by the time they’re in their 40s, they
may have a strong desire for ​commitment and security​. Along the way,
they may be willing to compromise on one or more needs in order to
satisfy another as their priorities shift.
Therefore, it’s doubly important to understand our own needs and to
acknowledge which ones are driving our motivations.
Someone might enter a relationship as a means to gain status, but if
connection is what they’re really looking for, they’ll be left
disappointed and torn between seeking connection with someone else
and staying in a relationship that provides them with status.
What they planned consciously doesn’t really matter if their biggest
emotional motivator is for connection and appreciation. They just
didn’t know it.
Lennon had the famous quip about life happening while you’re making
other plans. You could easily amend that to say, “Emotions are what
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happen while you’re making other plans.”
But understanding emotional needs is also important on an
interaction-by-interaction basis.
It’s a good way to understand that not every rejection is the same.
Someone who responds rudely to your efforts to have a conversation
with them could be rejecting you based on you not meeting their need
for status.
A partner you get along great with but he or she is hesitant to open up
or get closer to you could be seen as not having their needs for
connection and appreciation met by you.
Someone who is uncomfortable around you and finds an excuse to
leave might not feel their need for security is being met.
Whatever it is, there’s ​always​ an emotional motivation behind these
sorts of interactions. It’s your job to start paying attention to what
those are.
INTERPRETING THE EMOTIONAL NEEDS OF
OTHERS
The key to deciphering emotional needs in others and in yourself is to
not look at people’s words and actions but instead, look at their
motivations.
Someone may make fun of your shirt, but it could be for a variety of
reasons. Maybe they feel intimidated by you and seek to bring you
down a notch. They might do it as a form of bonding and playful
teasing and flirting. Maybe they get a rush from feeling superior to
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others in social interactions.
Knowing how to respond is impossible without knowing what’s
motivating someone.
And this is where the vast majority of dating and relationship advice
falls flat.
They give you a one-size-fits-all call and response to social situations.
These formulaic responses only address surface phenomena, bubbles
on an entire sea of emotional resonances and currents. They ignore
what’s below.
Recognizing motivations in others is not a simple task, particularly for
those who’ve spent much of their lives being anti-social.
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The first key is to be able to read the emotions of others through their
movements, body language and tonality. This is something that can be
deliberately practiced, although the specifics are beyond the scope of
this ebook.
Learning to read body language, movements, and tonalities is an
critical life skill. It will affect all of your relationships—professional,
familial, romantic, and otherwise—in a positive way.
So back to the example at hand: someone makes fun of your shirt. Are
they smiling while they do it? Is it a mischievous smile? An evil smile?
Or do they seem disgusted or nervous when they say it? Are they
showing off to others or are you alone when it happens? What is their
body language telling you? Are they leaning back with their arms
crossed? Or are they leaning into you and play hitting you as they say
it?
The answers to these questions all matter. Start asking them.
The second way to read the motivations of others is through
sub-communication. When I was in high school, my English teacher
used to scream over and over, “Writers make choices!” no matter what
book we were reading.
The point was that writers don’t just plaster random words across the
page. They consciously describe their characters in certain ways. They
sit there and agonize over mundane details and what seems to us like
trivial dialogue.
The implication is that whenever we say something or write
something, there’s always an opportunity cost involved. I’m writing
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about emotional dynamics in relationships right now. I’m not writing
about football, or presidential politics, or the ethnographic origins of
Cuba.
But I could.
But since I’m not, that in and of itself tells you something: I care about
this stuff. This stuff is important enough to me that I’m willing to sit
down and spend however much time it takes to write it. That says
something about me, my life, my ​values​, my knowledge, my priorities,
and my passions.
What I’m getting at is that nothing is ever said or done in a vacuum.
We’re always consciously choosing our words, and the fact that we’re
choosing those words or topics over other ones ​means​ something.
Back in 2006 when I started to obsess about this stuff, I began to
notice that every conversation I had with someone would find its way
to my sex life. Acquaintances, friends, strangers at parties. Even
conversations with my parents (it got weird).
Consciously and unconsciously, I was directing my conversations in
that direction. I had some obvious hang-ups and obsessions going on
and my need to resolve them was bubbling up to the surface in the
forms of my words and conversational topics.
If I’m on a date with a woman and she regularly references her
mother—what her mother thinks about this, what her mother did with
her in high school, what her mother said on the phone the other day—I
can gather a lot of information from that.
That’s not happening by chance.
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The woman obviously has a close relationship with her mother. Her
mother factors heavily into her life and worldview. She’s probably
quite emotionally attached to her. She also probably shares very strong
family values. Security is likely important to her.
Begin asking “Why?” in response to the behaviors and actions of
others. Challenge yourself to find the underlying motivations in
people.
Most people only do this in situations when shit hits the fan or when
someone stops calling them back or something. But you should be
doing this constantly, for your successes and failures. For the exciting
moments and the mundane.
● Why does that girl seem so unhappy despite those guys flirting
with her and buying her drinks?
● Why does my friend always make fun of other guys who are
shorter than him?
● Why does my ex-girlfriend call to tell me about her new job?
● Why does the bartender talk to the guys watching the game but
ignore the older woman sitting by herself?
● Why can’t the girl at the checkout counter look customers in the
eye?
Then take those answers, and ask “Why?”
●
●
●
●
Why does she feel uncomfortable with overt male attention?
Why does he feel a need to validate himself around others?
Why does she want to prove to me that she’s successful?
Why does he feel more comfortable around other guys than
women?
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● Why does she feel so self-conscious dealing with others?
Obviously this all becomes conjecture. But it’s a good exercise. And
once you get to know some of these people, their behaviors will begin
to answer your questions for you.
It’s gotten scary sometimes. I can spend an hour with someone and
know they have a horrible relationship with their father. I can just tell.
And usually I’m right.
Family-oriented people are easy for me to pick out as well. And of
course, the ​attention whores​ are obvious within about 30 seconds.
Am I often wrong? Yeah, ​quite a bit​. But it’s fun guessing. And it’s even
more fun finding out. But most importantly, you train yourself to
operate on motivations and feelings of others. The words you choose
and say become a side effect of that.
And as a result, you become a much more powerful communicator
and are able to connect with people on a much deeper level more
quickly.
But what about ​you​? What are​ your​ emotional needs and how should
you respond to the needs of others?
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EXPRESSING YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS IN
HEALTHY WAYS
A lot of people—and especially a lot of men—are oblivious to their own
emotional urges and what motivates them to behave in certain ways,
particularly in emotionally charged situations such as dating.
People who are unaware of their feelings will often feel out-of-control
or helpless in these emotional situations. And those who face ​chronic
failure in their dating lives​ usually do so because they’re entirely out of
touch with their emotional realities.
As I mentioned above, the brain functions in such a way that we make
decisions based on emotions first ​and then​ consciously rationalize
these decisions second to look for evidence to support them.
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So if you feel like people are generally untrustworthy and you feel like
you find evidence for this in all of your interactions and everywhere
you look, then chances are you have some deeper anger issues as well
as fear of intimacy. Meanwhile your brain is consciously looking for
and finding reasons to justify this anger in the real world.
This isn’t to say there ​aren’t​ untrustworthy people in the world. There
are. But most people are generally trustworthy and well intentioned. If
you’re constantly looking for evidence of untrustworthiness in people,
then you’re never going to find the trustworthy people.
If you look for evidence of trustworthiness, then you’ll successfully
avoid the untrustworthy.
People talk about “limiting beliefs” in self-help all the time. Limiting
beliefs such as the one mentioned above—or even simple ones such as
the idea that you can’t call someone the day after you meet them—are
extremely hard to notice in ourselves.
And even when we do notice them, it’s hard to talk ourselves out of
them and un-rationalize what we’ve ​spent a lifetime rationalizing and
reinforcing​.
Attacking the underlying emotion itself can often be a more efficient
means to changing these behaviors. Instead of obsessing and
struggling in arguments against yourself for weeks or months over
something you don’t truly believe or feel in your gut, attacking the
underlying emotion head on will cause the behaviors to resolve
themselves naturally.
For instance, in the example above of thinking people can’t be trusted,
if you remove the underlying anger and trust issues, then you’ll
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naturally stop rationalizing reasons to distrust everyone and stop
finding evidence to support it. Your beliefs will change and your
behavior will follow.
When you’re unsure or even afraid to call or text someone the day
after meeting them, if you remove the anxiety to connect, then you’ll
feel free to contact them whenever and however you feel is
appropriate.
Again, it’s worth mentioning that there will still be untrustworthy
people in the world. And there will still be people who don’t want you
to call the next day. But the point is that these beliefs will no longer
hinder your behavior and actions. You’ll be free to pursue your desires
without qualms or hang-ups.
DEALING WITH YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS
The reason most advice out there tries to emphasize dismantling
limiting beliefs logically rather than dealing with the underlying
emotions is that, well, it’s can be really fucking hard to tackle these
emotions.
But, as I said previously, dealing with these emotions is perhaps the
best way to change your attitudes and behavior for the better.
But before we jump into that, I want to talk about something called the
“False Consensus Bias.” While that sounds pretty nerdy (and it kind of
is—but hey, you’re already this deep, so why not?), it’s extremely
relevant to understanding the emotional world around us.
The ​False Consensus Bias​ is a tendency we all have to just assume that
almost everyone around us shares our same opinions, beliefs, biases,
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values, habits, perceptions, etc.
In the context of emotional needs and relationships, this means that
we tend to assume people prioritize emotional needs the same way we
ourselves do.
You might have a high need for status and validation and you might
seek to meet that need by dating a certain type of person—good
looking, rich, popular, whatever.
And until you’re aware of your biases, you’ll probably assume that the
people around also want to be with the same kind of people that you
do.
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So, you think that people ​only​ want to date others that are good
looking, rich, or popular. You’ll try to attract others by developing and
showcasing these qualities in yourself, and if someone doesn’t find you
attractive, you assume it’s because you weren’t good looking enough,
rich enough, or popular enough for them.
Or maybe instead, you might have a high need for connection in your
relationships, and so you’ll likely just assume the person you’re with
also has a high need for connection.
If they don’t seem eager to open up to you or they get uncomfortable
when you want them to share something personal about themselves,
you assume it’s because they don’t like you all that much.
The truth is, we all have varying needs for status, connection, and
security, and we all develop strategies to ​get these needs met in
different ways​.
But it’s when we’re disconnected from these needs and unaware of
them that our neurotic and needy behavior flares up.
The solution is to become more aware of our own emotional
make-up, accept it, and then consciously express it in a
healthy manner.
To use an example from my own life, I used to be pretty removed from
my desire for connection. I’ve since learned that my need for
connection outweighs my need for status and heavily outweighs my
need for security. Years ago, I was completely unaware of this. I was
more status-centric, focusing on having lots of casual sex and shallow
relationships with women.
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What began to happen was a lot of the women I was sleeping with
would demonstrate some sort of act of intimacy towards me and I
would freak out. I unfairly ghosted women because I felt they were
becoming “too clingy” and expected too much from me.
In hindsight, their behavior was totally normal and expected. I was in
denial of my need for connection and intimacy and I projected that
need onto all of the women I was seeing. ​I​ was the clingy one. ​I​ was the
needy one. Yet I projected that onto any woman who tried to get near
me. As a result, I unfairly resented and dumped a number of women
who were making totally reasonable attempts to get to know me
better.
SELF-AWARENESS AROUND YOUR EMOTIONAL
NEEDS
So how do we go about becoming more aware of our emotions and
motivations in our relationships? Here are a few places to start:
● Ask Yourself “Why?”​—I talked previously about asking
“Why?” when observing other people’s behavior. Well, the same
rule applies to you. And again, most people are terrible at doing
this. Our egos get in the way. We always assume we’re correct.
What I’ve found with questioning yourself is that the first few
answers to the “Why?” question are usually the incorrect ones. It’s
the rationalization. So you must continue to ask beyond that. A
couple examples:
“Why did I get so upset when my girlfriend was talking to that guy
at a party last night?”
“Because she was being a bitch and flirting with him right in front
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of me. I felt disrespected.”
“Why do I think she was being a bitch? Why do I think that’s
disrespectful?”
“Because I love my girlfriend and it hurts to think about her not
loving me back.”
“Why does it hurt so much? Why am I so upset?”
“Because I want to feel loved and appreciated and I’m afraid of
being abandoned and alone.”
Obviously, these answers are not arrived at easily. You may even
find yourself asking the same question for days or weeks before an
answer comes to you. But pay attention to your emotions. Pay
attention to what feels right. Keep asking. Keep questioning
yourself. You’ll be surprised at what uncomfortable truths come
up. And the more uncomfortable, the truer they probably are.
● Meditation​ – I’m not going to go way into​ ​meditation​ ​here, but
it’s a fantastic way to build greater ​emotional awareness​ in
yourself. The act of meditating is very much the simple act of
observing yourself.
As you sit in silence, focusing on your breath, thoughts and
feelings creep into your mind constantly. Learning how to control
that flow, observe that flow and accept many of those thoughts
and feelings is an important skill that transfers over to many
other parts of your life.
What you’re doing is training your mind to be aware of your
thoughts and emotions. So in situations where you may have
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acted out unconsciously (thrown a temper tantrum, became really
nervous and supplicated, made up excuses to stay at home),
meditation trains your mind to see the thoughts and feelings
occur in the moment, and trains you to recognize stuff like, “You
know, when my friends invite me out, I feel nervous and begin
thinking of reasons to stay in. I never noticed that before.” Or
“Whenever my girlfriend tells me about her ex-boyfriend, I find
ways to get angry at her. I never put those two things together
before.”
● Therapy​—​Therapy with the right therapist can be incredibly
beneficial to your emotional well-being.
A ​good therapist​ ​plays the role of the “Why?” question above.
They will lead you into lines of questioning about yourself that
you may not have considered before. They will also give you an
objective, third-person perspective on a lot of situations, showing
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you that something you had always assumed to be true, was
actually an emotional knee-jerk reaction of yours.
For instance, a particularly socially traumatic event happened to
me when I was 13 years old. It sucked, but I never thought that
much of it… until I got to therapy. When I told my therapist about
it, his reaction was, “Holy shit, no wonder you have so much
anxiety in that area.” It never even occurred to me that I had lived
through a particularly unique situation that affected my emotions
in such a drastic way. But once he helped me become aware of it,
both the severity and the way it had affected me, it allowed me to
begin working past those issues.
What you’ll notice as you become more emotionally aware is that it
won’t all happen in one step. You won’t suddenly one day realize, “Oh,
I have a big need for connection!”
The process usually plays out slowly over a longer period of time. And
the realizations come in the form of many minor epiphanies that build
on one another. It’s very much like pulling back layers of an onion,
each one not getting you particularly far, but each layer reveals
another slightly deeper layer below it.
And like an onion, the more layers you peel back, the more likely you
are burst out in tears.
The final step in realizing your emotional needs is successfully
negotiating your needs in your relationships. Most people who are
unaware of their emotional needs will try to make any and every
person they’re with fit into their specific mold of what they want and
need in a relationship. Someone who desperately needs status will try
to find ways to fulfill that need even if they’re with someone who
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doesn’t care about status at all.
Once you become more aware of what your needs are, then you’re able
to make quick and easy decisions about which people you’re willing to
pursue and which ones you’re not.
If I meet a woman who has a high need for security and stability (my
lowest need), then I’ll usually not bother anymore. I have little need
for security and it seems silly to spend so much time and energy to
fulfill her need in the short-term when I know I’m going to be unable
to fulfill it in the long-term. And not to mention, she’s unlikely going
to be able to fulfill my needs well either.
EMOTIONAL NEEDS AND RESOLVING CONFLICT
We’re all insecure and ignorant at times and we all act out on our
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insecurities and ignorance in ways that hurt other people.
This is called “being an asshole.”
Some of us are especially experienced at being assholes in our
relationships.
It’s perplexing when you think about it—being an asshole to the
person you supposedly adore—but that’s what we do. And we all do it,
even if some of us do it more than others.
Conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, and so it’s not so much
about figuring out how to ​avoid​ conflict altogether, but rather about
how you deal with conflict in your relationship.
When resolving a conflict in a relationship, there are four questions
you must ask.
1.
2.
3.
4.
Is resolving the conflict even worth it?
What needs was the offender trying to meet?
Is the other person on board?
How can we fix this?
While you’re reading through this, it may be useful to think of a couple
ongoing personal conflicts you have or have had in your relationships.
We’ll take the questions one at a time.
1. IS RESOLVING THE CONFLICT EVEN WORTH IT?
Good question. Petty arguments in your relationship are probably not
worth the hassle. The way your girlfriend complains about work all the
time or the way your boyfriend talks really loud when he’s had a few
drinks and it annoys you.
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At worst, these situations call for simply confronting someone and
asking them to stop.
But your ability to handle even simple conflicts will be determined by
how secure you are as well as how sturdy your boundaries are (more
on that soon).
If you’re insecure, then every other fart in the wind will become a
crisis. And if your boundaries suck, then you’ll be blaming yourself for
everything and scared to death of confrontation.
There’s a lot to be said about being able to let things go and knowing
when to pick your battles.
As the problems get more serious, choosing whether to engage in
conflict resolution or not is a more legitimate question, especially if
the issue at hand seriously compromises your values in an inalterable
way.
In some cases, someone does something so horrible that you will never
be able to resolve it.
For instance, your spouse slept with your best friend or you find out
about something your partner has been keeping from you for a long
time that they should have told you. No matter how much work you
put into fixing the relationship, it’s unlikely to ever be enough.
Broken trust issues are similar. With trust issues, I always use the
analogy of a china plate. A relationship is like a piece of fine china.
Breaking that trust means breaking the plate. With a lot of care and
effort, the plate can be restored, but if it gets broken again, it becomes
that much harder to put back together.
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Eventually, if the plate is broken enough times, it can never be made
whole again. It’s lost forever.
In a situation where someone has broken your trust, you must ask
yourself if you can see it ever being possible to trust that person again.
If not, then you’re better off ​simply moving on​.
As a bit of a side note, there are familial relationships where it’s
basically impossible to ​not​ engage in conflict resolution with them.
You only get one family, and even if you wish you could ditch them
sometimes, you can’t.
One way or another, you always end up back with them, problems
front and center. So you may as well make the best of it and try to
resolve some of your issues together.
2. WHAT NEEDS WAS THE OFFENDER TRYING TO MEET?
So you’ve decided you do, in fact, want to resolve a conflict in your
relationship. Congratulations, this is the first step to becoming less of
an asshole.
The key to resolving conflicts in your relationship—or any personal
conflict for that matter—is compassion.
And by compassion I mean seeing past the individual offensive
behaviors and looking at the emotional needs that are motivating
those behaviors.
The wife who tries to make you jealous is doing it because she’s not
feeling loved or validated enough.
The overbearing and controlling boyfriend is afraid of being left and is
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trying to meet his need for security.
The girlfriend who calls you an insensitive prick is frustrated that her
need for connection is being ignored.
Seeing another person’s needs behind their annoying behavior is not
easy. It takes practice.
This is especially true in our relationships when the object of our
affection disappoints us with their behavior. Our relationships are
steeped in complex emotions (not to mention our own emotional
baggage), and so we’re terrible at seeing the situation objectively.
But the best method I’ve ever come across to develop compassion for
another person’s needs is an exercise I actually learned at an Integral
workshop put on by the people who work for Ken Wilber. In the
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workshop, they referred to it as the “1-2-3 Shadow Exercise”, which is
a fancy reference to Jungian Psychology. You can call it whatever you
want. I call it practical.
1. Write a letter to the person being 100% honest while
describing how you feel.
Write down everything you would like to tell this person if you
could. Don’t hold anything back. Let all the anger, hatred, and
pain come out.
Ex.: Dear John, I’ve never told you this, but you change when
we’re around other people. You go from being a kind and
compassionate man to being a dick and looking down on me.
Remember that time you made fun of me in front of Kim just to
make yourself look good? It’s so fucking weak. You’re obviously
insecure around people…
You don’t have to spend more than five or ten minutes on it. The
important part is that you get all of your primary complaints out
and make sure you put your genuine feelings into it.
2. Write a response letter to yourself from their
perspective about the issue.​
This is where things get a little tricky. Now, take out a new piece
of paper (or open up a clean document) and write another letter.
This time it’s from them and to you.
In this letter, try to take their perspective in defending
themselves against your complaints. Make their defense as
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reasonable and plausible as possible.
Ex.: Dear Rachel, I’m sorry you feel like I’m arrogant in social
situations. You’re right that I probably feel insecure at times,
but I feel a need to cut you down because you dominate every
social interaction we’re in. You know I’m a quiet guy. So why
don’t you ever ask me for my input or encourage me to be a part
of the conversation more? …
Try to empathize with them as much as possible as you write. If
you find yourself continuing to blame them or make them look
like an asshole in the second letter, then you’re doing it wrong.
Start over and honestly try to inhabit their perspective.
What you may find when doing the second letter is that you
actually uncover legitimate criticisms of ​yourself​ that you were
not aware of before.
If this happens, then you’re definitely on the right track because
not only are you beginning to see their perspective and emotional
needs, you’re also beginning to get a more objective perspective
on your own behavior that you didn’t have before.
3. Write a third letter, this time from an objective
third-person perspective.
The final letter is from an anonymous outside observer. Now that
you’ve written an angry letter from your perspective and a
defensive letter from the other person’s perspective, it’s time to
inhabit an objective third-person perspective and put the whole
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conflict in proper context.
Ex.: Dear Rachel and John, it seems that the two of you are both
insecure in larger social situations. You’re both choosing to deal
with your discomfort in different ways that are not helping the
other person…
The whole exercise takes maybe 30 minutes and the results are
incredible.
Not only do you feel less attached to the hurt and pain
afterwards, but you’ve also forced yourself to empathize with the
other person’s needs and taken a more objective perspective on
the conflict yourself.
3. IS THE OTHER PERSON ON BOARD?
At some point, you have to confront your partner about the issue.
Sometimes the issue will force itself, but usually one of you needs to
speak up about what’s going on. This isn’t easy, or fun. In fact, it’s
downright uncomfortable.
People who are codependent have particular difficulties with personal
confrontation and will go to great lengths to avoid it or pretend the
problem doesn’t exist. But you must open up a dialogue about the
issue.
Even if you’re afraid that the conflict might lead to your relationship’s
demise, it’s the only way forward. You have to address the problems
that are causing your pain if you want to have any chance at a ​solid
relationship​, not just a mediocre one where you sweep everything
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under the rug.
Another cold, hard truth: just as you can’t force somebody to change,
you can’t force somebody to resolve a conflict no matter what kind of
relationship you have. And any attempts to coerce or bribe your
partner into it will only piss them off and push them away more.
The reason is that coercion negates the person’s autonomy and
personal choice. Conflict resolution is worthless unless it’s based on
the free will of both parties.
So even if you do decide that a relationship matters enough for you to
change it, and even if you’ve gone through the work to widen your
perspective and understand the other person’s needs, you still can’t
force the other person to do the same. They have to reach the same
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point on their own accord, or not at all.
If the other person is ​not​ on board, there’s nothing you can do other
than to wait silently, or ​move on​.
4. HOW CAN WE FIX THIS?
Once you and your partner are openly communicating about the
problem, it’s time to find a resolution. The key here is to focus less on
specific behavior and instead focus on needs.
For instance, if your boyfriend is always criticizing you, don’t blame
him or tell him to stop being critical.
Tell him that it’s important for you to feel that he supports you and
approves of you and when he criticizes you, especially in front of other
people, you don’t feel that way. He’s likely to tell you that, in his mind,
his criticisms are his way of supporting you.
From there, you two can agree to find a new behavior that you’re both
comfortable with.
For some of you, I’m sure the thought of speaking about this stuff to
the people you love strikes you as weird or uncomfortable. You may
think your partner will get really uncomfortable and brush you off.
I thought the same thing. And sometimes, you will be brushed off.
But it’s been surprising how universal this method is. Speaking to
people’s emotional needs is not only universal, but I’ve found that
people jump on the opportunity when presented because it’s presented
to them so seldom.
But the best part is that the process itself validates the important
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feelings underlying the problems—your boyfriend is critical of you
because he cares, your girlfriend is arrogant only because she feels
insecure around you, and you get angry because you’re afraid she
won’t like you anymore.
On and on.
This is ​vulnerability in action​. And it’s the glue that binds our
relationships together and holds us close.
WHERE TO GO FROM HERE
While being more self-aware of these things is absolutely crucial to
improving your relationship, in and of itself, it doesn’t really mean
much unless you follow through on your needs.
The example above on conflict resolution is a good place to start since
it’s usually the most obvious for many people. It allows you to practice
understanding your partner’s needs, expressing your own needs in
healthy ways, and coming up with ways to get each of your needs met.
And really, this is all just a practice in enforcing healthy boundaries in
your relationships. Boundaries are where the emotional rubber hits
the proverbial road.
But beyond conflicts in relationships, there are a lot more subtle
boundaries to consider in getting your needs met.
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PART 2: HOW STRONG BOUNDARIES
CREATE BETTER RELATIONSHIPS
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A lot of people ask me about boundaries in relationships—what they
are, what they look like, how to build them and maintain them, do
they help that much, are they that important, do they stop your
girlfriend from farting too much in her sleep? Where are my keys?
Have you seen my keys? Where are my damn keys?
PSA: Setting strong personal boundaries are not a cure-all for your
relationship woes (or your lost keys). In fact, they’re more of a side
effect of having a healthy self-esteem and a general low level of
neediness with people around you.
Boundaries in relationships work both ways: they create emotional
health and are created by people with emotional health. They are
something you can start working on today with the people close to you
and you’ll begin to notice a difference in your self-esteem, confidence,
emotional stability, and so on.
And yes, believe it or not, boundaries are also hot.
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ISSUES WITH BOUNDARIES IN RELATIONSHIPS
First, let’s do the “You Might Have A Boundary Issue If…” list so you
know where you stand:
● Do you ever feel like people take advantage of you or use your
emotions for their own gain?
● Do you ever feel like you’re constantly having to “save” people
close to you and fix their problems all the time?
● Do you find yourself sucked into pointless fighting or debating
regularly?
● Do you find yourself faaaaar more invested or attracted to a
person than you should be for how long you’ve known them?
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● In your relationships, does it feel like things are always either
amazing or horrible with no in-between? Or perhaps you even go
through the break-up/reunion pattern every few months?
● Do you tell people how much you hate drama but seem to always
be stuck in the middle of it?
● Do you spend a lot of time defending yourself for things you
believe aren’t your fault?
If you answered “yes” to even a few of the above, then you probably set
and maintain poor boundaries in your relationships. If you answered a
resounding “yes” to most or all of the items above, you not only have a
major boundary problem in your relationships, but you also probably
have some other personal problems going on in your life.
WHAT ARE PERSONAL BOUNDARIES?
I’ll start with the practical and work my way to the theoretical. Instead
of defining what boundaries actually are (because I don’t want you to
fall asleep on me just yet), let’s talk about what they look like first.
Healthy Personal Boundaries = Taking responsibility for
your own actions and emotions, while NOT taking
responsibility for the actions or emotions of others.
People with poor boundaries typically come in two flavors: those who
take too much responsibility for the emotions/actions of others, and
those who expect others to take too much responsibility for their own
emotions/actions.
Interestingly, these two types of people often end up in relationships
together.
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Some examples of poor boundaries:
● “You can’t go out with your friends without me. You know how
jealous I get. You have to stay home with me.”
● “Sorry guys, I can’t go out with you tonight, my girlfriend gets
really angry when I go out without her.”
● “My co-workers are idiots and I’m always late to meetings
because I have to tell them how to do their jobs.”
● “I’d love to take that job in Milwaukee, but my mother would
never forgive me for moving so far away.”
In each scenario, the person is either taking responsibility for
actions/emotions that are not theirs or they are demanding that
someone else take responsibility for their actions/emotions.
For those of you who have read it, you’ll notice that taking
responsibility for your own actions and not blaming others are two of
the pillars in Nathaniel Branden’s ​Six Pillars of Self-Esteem​.
People with high self-esteem have strong personal boundaries. And
practicing strong personal boundaries is one way to build self-esteem.
Another way to think about it is when you have these murky areas of
responsibility for your emotions and actions—areas where it’s unclear
who is responsible for what, whose fault is what, why you’re doing
what you’re doing—you never develop a solid ​identity​ for yourself.
For instance, if you’re really into Judo, but you’re always blaming your
teacher for your lack of progress and feel guilty about going to classes
because your wife gets lonely when you’re not around, then you’re not
owning that aspect of your identity.
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Judo is now something you do and not something you are. It becomes
inauthentic, another tool in the game of getting social approval, rather
than satisfying your own desire to express yourself. This is neediness.
And the dependence on external approval will drive your self-esteem
lower and make your behavior less attractive.
POOR BOUNDARIES = VICTIMS AND SAVERS
I actually believe boundary issues are the most difficult to deal with at
the family level. You can always dump that ass-hat of a
boyfriend/girlfriend, a divorce is always but a phone call or twelve
away, but you can never dump your ​parents​.
If you have boundary issues in your family, then it’s ​very likely​ you
have them in your ​romantic relationships​ as well. And your
relationships are the best place to begin fixing them.
Chances are, at some point you’ve been in a relationship that felt like a
roller coaster.
When things were good, they were great; when things were bad, they
were a disaster; and there was an almost-predictable oscillation
between the two—two weeks of bliss, followed by one week of hell,
followed by a month of bliss, followed by a ​horrible breakup​ and then
a dramatic reunion. It’s a hallmark of a ​codependent relationship​ and
usually represents two people incapable of strong personal
boundaries.
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My first serious relationship was like this. At the time, it felt very
passionate and like it was us against the world. In hindsight, it was
incredibly unhealthy and I’m much happier not being in it.
People lack boundaries because they have a high level of neediness (or
in psych terms, codependence). People who are needy or codependent
have a desperate need for love and affection from others. To receive
this love and affection, they sacrifice their identity and remove their
boundaries.
(Ironically, it’s the lack of identity and boundaries that makes them
unattractive to most people.)
People who blame others for ​their own emotions and actions​ do so
because they believe that if they put the ​responsibility​ on those around
them, they’ll receive the love they’ve always wanted and needed. If
they ​constantly paint themselves as a victim​, eventually someone will
come save them.
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People who take the blame for other people’s emotions and actions are
always looking to save someone. They believe that if they can “fix”
their partner, then they will receive the love and appreciation they’ve
always wanted.
Predictably, these two types of people are drawn strongly to one
another. Their pathologies match one another perfectly. And often,
they’ve grown up with parents who each exhibit one of these traits. So
their model for a “happy” relationship is one based on neediness and
poor boundaries.
Ironically, they both fail completely in ​meeting the other’s needs​. In
fact, they both only serve to perpetuate the neediness and low
self-esteem that is keeping them from getting their emotional needs
met.
The victim creates more and more problems to solve and the saver
solves and solves, but the love and appreciation they’ve always needed
is never actually transmitted to one another.
In ​Models​, my book on dating for men, when I talk about authenticity,
I explain how in relationships, whenever something is given with an
ulterior motive, with the expectation of something in return, when
something is not given as a “gift,” then it loses its value.
If it’s self-serving, then it’s empty and worthless.
This is what happens in these codependent relationships. The victim
creates problems not because there are real problems, but because
they believe it will cause them to feel loved. The saver doesn’t save the
victim because they actually care about the problem, but because they
believe if they fix the problem they will feel loved.
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In both cases, the intentions are needy and therefore unattractive and
self-sabotaging.
If the saver really wanted to save the victim, the saver would say,
“Look, you’re blaming others for your own problems, deal with it
yourself.” That would be actually loving the victim.
The victim, if they really loved the saver, would say, “Look, this is my
problem, you don’t have to fix it for me.” That would be actually loving
the saver.
But that’s not exactly what usually happens…
A LACK OF BOUNDARIES LEADS TO A VICIOUS
CYCLE
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Victims and savers both get kind of an emotional high off one another.
It’s like an addiction they fulfill in one another, and when presented
with emotionally healthy people to date, they usually feel bored or a
lack of “​chemistry​.” They’ll pass on healthy, secure individuals because
the secure partner’s solid boundaries will not excite the loose
emotional boundaries of the needy person.
From an ​Attachment Theory​ perspective, victims tend to be
anxious-attachment types, and savers tend to be avoidant-attachment
types. Or as I like to call them: crazy people and assholes. Both often
push away secure-attachment types.
For the victim, the hardest thing to do in the world is to hold
themselves accountable for their feelings and their life rather than
others. They’ve spent their whole existence believing they must blame
others in order to feel any intimacy or love, so ​letting go of that is
terrifying​.
For the saver, the hardest thing to do in the world is to stop fixing
other people’s problems and trying to force them to be happy and
satisfied.
For them, they’ve spent their whole lives only feeling valued and loved
when they were fixing a problem or providing a use to someone, so
letting go of this need is terrifying to them as well.
Both start the process of building self-esteem. Both begin to eliminate
needy behavior and make one more attractive.
(Side note: I state in ​Models​ that needy behavior makes you
unattractive to most people by limiting you to people of a similar level
of neediness; i.e., it’s the adage that you are everyone you end up
dating. If you end up only attracting low self-esteem slobs, then you
are likely a low self-esteem slob yourself. If you only attract high
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maintenance drama queens, then you are likely a high maintenance
drama queen yourself. Oh, you queen, you.)
EXAMPLES OF PERSONAL BOUNDARIES
Since this is a topic that many, many people are always asking, “Yeah,
that’s nice, but what does it look like?” let’s wrap this up with a few
examples.
Personal boundaries, while particularly crucial in intimate
relationships, also highly influence our friendships, family
relationships, and even professional relationships. So I’ll include a
variety of examples below.
“Jon, we’ve been working together for five years. I can’t believe you’d
fuck me over like that in front of our boss.”
“But you got the data sheet incorrect. It was important that the correct
numbers were submitted.”
“Yeah, but you’re supposed to back me up. You made me look like an
asshole. You don’t have to disagree with me in front of everybody like
that.”
“Look, I like you. You’re my friend. But I’m not going to do your job
for you. And that’s that. End of discussion.”
“I am doing my job!”
“Good, then it shouldn’t matter what I say then.”
Some friends are maybe a little bit too close.
This situation comes up in various forms in everybody’s life: long-time
friend screws up, but instead of taking personal responsibility, expects
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you to shoulder some of the responsibility with them because “that’s
what friends do.”
Accepting this leads to codependent and unhealthy friendships. Yes,
even friendships can be needy and unattractive. Ever meet two friends
who are constantly complaining about one another or saying things
behind each other’s backs, but when they’re together everything seems
great? Chances are they have some serious boundary issues like the
one above. Friendships like this are never-ending drama factories.
Steer clear.
“I get so sad when you and your sister don’t come see me. I get very
lonely, you know.”
“Why don’t you go out more, mom? Make some friends.”
“Oh, I’ve tried. Nobody likes an old lady like me. You two are my
children. You’re supposed to take care of me.”
“We do.”
“No, you don’t. I spend so much time alone. You have no idea how
hard it can be sometimes.”
“Mom, I love you and will always be here when you need me. But you
are still responsible for your own loneliness. Jennifer and I are not the
only solution to all of your problems.”
The old family guilt situation. I used to be fond of saying “Guilt is a
useless emotion.” I actually don’t believe that anymore. Guilt is
important when it’s legitimate and self-imposed.
Where guilt is useless and harmful is when it is used as a tool to
manipulate those close to you. Guilt can be incredibly painful when
used this way, not only because it demands responsibility from you for
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emotions which are not yours, but it also implies that you’re faulty or a
bad person in some way for not doing it.
(All of my Jewish readers are nodding their heads right now.)
Nothing sets me off these days like a person trying to guilt trip me. I
immediately call them out on it and if I don’t know them well, will
sometimes end the relationship right then and there.
Last example. This one is a couple in a relationship:
“Hey, I was thinking about that new job you’re looking for. I redid
your resume and I’ve started sending it out to some people in my HR
department.”
“Um, thanks, but you didn’t have to do that.”
“I wanted to do it. I want you to be successful. I was also thinking
again about us moving in together, I went and looked at apartments
toda–”
“I told you, I’m not ready for that yet.”
“I know! But it only makes sense. And we’re not getting younger. I
think we should just try it.”
“Last month you replaced half my wardrobe with clothes you want me
to wear. Then you wanted me to live with you. Now you want me to
work with you too?”
“But I love you, I want to take care of you.”
“I love you too, but you have to let me do things my own way. This is
not healthy. You take control of my life decisions without consulting
me first.”
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“I can’t believe how selfish you are! I do EVERYTHING for you and
now you’re blaming me for it!”
“If you really care about me, then you need to stop trying to control my
life and let me live it on my own.”
This is an example of a codependent relationship from the other
side—the side of a partner who gets smothered and pampered too
much. It may seem really nice on the surface. You may even think,
“Damn, I wish my boyfriend/girlfriend did that for me.” But the truth
is that it’s just as unhealthy and it will eventually lead to just as many
problems.
A FINAL NOTE ON SACRIFICE AND BOUNDARIES
Before we go (I realize this is getting long, and I still haven’t found my
keys), I want to make a final note about relationships and sacrifice.
The biggest counter-argument—or rationalization, depending on your
perspective​—is that sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the
people you love.
This is true. If your girlfriend/boyfriend has an unreasonable need for
you to call them every day, even if it’s just to talk for three minutes,
then it may be reasonable to make a small sacrifice to make them
happy.
The catch is that if you make a sacrifice for someone you care about, it
needs to be because you want to, not because you feel obligated or
because you fear the consequences of not doing it.
It comes back to the point that acts of affection and interest are only
valid if they’re performed without expectations. So if you call your
girlfriend/boyfriend every day but hate it and feel like they’re
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impeding on your independence and you resent them and you’re
terrified of how angry they’ll be if you don’t, then you have a boundary
problem.
If you do it because you love them and don’t mind, then do it.
But it can be difficult for people to recognize whether they’re doing
something out of perceived obligation or out of voluntary sacrifice.
Here’s the litmus test: ask yourself, “If I stopped doing this, how
would the relationship change?” If you’re really afraid of the changes,
that’s a bad sign. If the consequences are unpleasant but you feel like
you could stop performing the action without feeling much different
yourself, then that’s a good sign.
The reason is that if there’s a boundary issue then you will fear the loss
of that cross-responsibility for one another. If there’s not a boundary
issue, i.e., you’re doing it as a gift without expectations, then you’re OK
with the repercussions of not doing it.
A person with strong boundaries is not afraid of a temper tantrum, an
argument or getting hurt. A person with weak boundaries is terrified
of it.
A person with strong boundaries understands that it’s unreasonable to
expect two people to accommodate each other 100% and fulfill every
need the other has. A person with strong boundaries understands that
they may hurt someone’s feelings sometimes, but ultimately they can’t
determine how other people feel.
A person with strong boundaries understands that a healthy
relationship is not controlling one another’s emotions, but rather each
partner supporting each other in their growth and path to
self-actualization.
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