S O L ID
G R O UND:
5
B I BL I CAL L E S S ONS FOR
REB UI L DI NG BR OK E N
F AMI L Y REL AT I ONS HI PS
A tool kit for restoring your
relationship and finding joy
and purpose while you are
waiting for restoration.
BY SKIP AND LILY TAYLOR
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INTRODUCTION
If God has blessed you with children, you welcomed
them into the world with dreams of what they would
become. We love our children with a fierceness that
we have never experienced in a relationship before,
and we have an instant desire to protect them. But
because they are human, they must grow, learn
lessons, and yes – make mistakes. As a parent, it can
be especially painful to watch your children make
mistakes that are harmful to themselves, or which
don’t line up with the heart of God, because we want
the best for them.
Is your relationship with your child or someone
you love broken, despite your best plans and
efforts? The 5 lessons discussed in the next few
pages will give you a tool kit for restoring your
relationship and finding joy and purpose while you
are waiting for restoration. These lessons were
distilled from and inspired by the events detailed in
our true story, Unconfined: Lessons from Prison and
the Journey of Being Set Free.
Unconfined chronicles the story of how our 26-year
old son, Stephen, became entangled in a drug cartel.
When he was arrested by the DEA, the trajectory of
all of our lives was changed. One minute we thought
our lives were built on solid ground – and the next
we felt like a freight train had steamrolled the
family we had built. In Unconfined, we share some
incredible stories about God’s love which sustained
us during a very dark season. This companion
resource which we have entitled “Solid Ground”
synthesizes many of the lessons we learned from
that experience. It will help you get more out of the
book, or it can be used as a stand-alone guide to
dealing with estrangement from someone you love.
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INTRODUCTION (CONTINUED)
Even though parts of our journey were very painful, in the fullness of time, we saw
God do some amazing things – that only He can do. He is restoring the broken
relationship with our son and has demonstrated to us how much He loves His
children. We believe that your relationship CAN be restored, because nothing is
too difficult for God.
The primary place we turned for wisdom and strength was the Bible. One book of
the Bible in particular which gave us much hope and inspiration was the book of
Nehemiah. Nehemiah was an Israelite who had been taken captive and was in exile
from his homeland. He had a deep desire to restore an important part of his family
heritage which had been totally decimated – the protective wall around the city of
Jerusalem. His simple act of rebuilding a wall of safety around a crumbled city was
the catalyst that brought many of God’s people back into fellowship – with each
other and with the Lord. Much can be learned from the building process which is
analogous to other areas of life, including family relationships. This awareness was
the inspiration for the title of this study guide.
If you have ever tried to raise children or nurture a
family, here are a few examples that might resonate with
you:
Building projects (like families) are often complex and
require the coordinated efforts of many people with
different skills and ideas.
Building projects (like families) often require a big
investment of time and energy.
Building projects (like families) often require “site
work.” Sometimes you have to build up or add
something to the ground where you plan to build your
foundation, and occasionally something has to be
removed, such as rocks or trees, before new
construction can occur. Similarly, sometimes we have
to remove thoughts, ideas and behaviors in order to
have better family relationships.
Building projects (like families) always require solid
ground and a firm foundation.
If your family has suffered some damage, we hope you will find encouragement and
practical help in the lessons below to help you rebuild. In keeping with our
rebuilding theme, we have labeled each lesson a pillar. Like brick upon brick, small
steps today in each of these areas will lead to big change tomorrow.
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Pillar #1: Understand the
Architect’s design
SOLID GROUND PRINCIPLE:
GOD MADE MARRIAGE AND CHILDREN TO BE A BLESSING.
IMPROVING YOUR PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD WILL IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP
WITH EVERYONE IN YOUR LIFE.
KEY SCRIPTURE:
MATTHEW 6:33 “SEEK FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD ABOVE ALL ELSE, AND
LIVE RIGHTEOUSLY, AND HE WILL GIVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED.”
OUR STORY:
“Skip tossed up an accusing prayer, ‘Lord, You know that I worked hard at
showing my love [to Stephen]. I tried to be there for Stephen. I quit a job I
loved, so that I wouldn’t have to travel and could spend more time with him. I
went to his ballgames. I volunteered at school.’ Skip let out a short, bitter
laugh. ‘And the son I devoted my life to has rejected everything I stand for
and thrown away his bright future I tried so hard to give him. My sacrifice
didn’t benefit either one of us.”
-Excerpt from Unconfined, Chapter 11, page 48
In Chapter 11, Skip watches his 26-year old son enter prison to begin a
10-year sentence. His mind is flooded with the memories of blessing and
potential he saw in Stephen in his younger years that he feels is slipping
away. How do you feel about the tone of the “prayer” Skip offers on
page 48 (above)? Can you easily relate or do you feel it might be
irreverent?
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Pillar #1: Understand the Architect’s design
1. GOD DESIGNED FAMILIES SO THAT WE MIGHT EXPERIENCE LOVE
AND FELLOWSHIP.
God, the master architect of the family, created you, your spouse and your
children and declared them to be “very good” from the beginning of created
history. The first book of the Bible records that God created human beings in
his own image. The first words He spoke to Adam was a blessing and these
instructions: “Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the Earth and govern it.” (Genesis
1:27). This passage from Genesis tells us that from the moment He created
mankind, God intended for us to be blessed, have families, and enjoy the
Earth He created.
Similarly, confirming that God is the architect of the family, King Solomon,
the wisest leader ever to be anointed by God, said this: “[T]he fruit of the
womb is a divine reward. The children born when one is young are like arrows
in the hand of a warrior. The person who fills a quiver full with them is truly
happy!” (Psalm 127:3-5) If not everything is “truly happy” in your family, we
feel the loss not just of the relationship, but also of the ideal in our hearts of
what it should be like. But just like we say a house has “good bones” if it is
designed and built well, even if needs to be repaired, your family has good
bones too! If God designed it, He can restore it.
2. PUTTING GOD FIRST PUTS EVERYTHING IN THE RIGHT PRIORITY.
Even though God created families as a gift for us to enjoy, He still desires to
be our highest priority – even above our spouse and children. If you are
married, your marriage is your next highest priority, second to God. Fathers
and mothers often have differing views on how to parent, and a child who
chooses a path that neither of you want for them tends to sharpen these
differences. A father’s instinct is to protect; a mother’s instinct is to nurture.
If you are experiencing strain in your marriage because a child is off course,
it is crucial to remember that your spouse is not the enemy. Satan is the
enemy. Your enemy wants to sow discord in Christian marriage. You must
battle for your marriage. The Bible says that “Two are better than one because
they will get a good return for their labor.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10).
One of the best ways to battle for your marriage and your family is to deepen
your own faith. God has chosen you to be a spouse and a parent [or a sibling,
child, etc.], and He will equip you for each season, including “exile” seasons.
Put Him first in your life and trust Him to restore the relationships you are
worried about.
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Pillar #1: Understand the Architect’s design
SITE WORK:
Work to discard any bitter feelings that your relationship with your
child has not turned out the way you expected. Negative thoughts such as
resentment or shame consume energy and time which could be devoted to Kingdom
pursuits.
BUILD A FIRM FOUNDATION:
1. Do you feel like you only have negative interactions with your distant
child? Ask God how to love your child the way he or she is at this moment.
Ask Him for divine wisdom and guidance to know when to speak, and
when prompted, what to say. "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God,
that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given
him." (James 1:5) What does it mean to you?
2. List 5 things you admire and are grateful for about your son or
daughter (or estranged loved one). Pray for an opportunity to share these
feelings with them.
3. Do you devote more time to thinking about what’s wrong with your
relationship than you do in prayer, fellowship and serving the Lord?
How can you change that this week?
PRAYER: LORD, I AM GRATEFUL FOR THE BEAUTIFUL CHILD YOU GAVE ME. I AM THANKFUL FOR
THE QUALITIES THEY POSSESS AND MOMENTS THAT WE HAVE SHARED. I PRAY WITH EXPECTATION
FOR THE DAY WHEN THEY WILL USE THEIR GIFTS, TALENTS AND EXPERIENCES FOR YOU!
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Pillar #2: Don’t let it steal your joy
SOLID GROUND PRINCIPLE:
WE HAVE THE POWER TO REMAIN FILLED WITH THE “JOY
OF THE LORD,” EVEN IN THE MIDST OF PAIN.
KEY SCRIPTURE:
JAMES 1:2-4 ”DEAR BROTHERS AND SISTERS, WHEN TROUBLES OF
ANY KIND COME YOUR WAY,
CONSIDER IT AN OPPORTUNITY FOR GREAT JOY.
FOR
YOU KNOW THAT WHEN YOUR FAITH IS TESTED, YOUR ENDURANCE HAS A CHANCE
TO GROW. SO LET IT GROW, FOR WHEN YOUR ENDURANCE IS FULLY DEVELOPED,
YOU WILL BE PERFECT AND COMPLETE, NEEDING NOTHING.”
OUR STORY:
On page 84, after giving in to negative feelings of regret, Skip finds
a powerful Bible verse and encourages himself.
He prays, “God, I believe somehow you will bring light in this darkness. I
believe that Stephen will become all that You destined him to be. And I
trust you with this circumstance. Teach me what you want me to learn
from it. I am in great pain over it, and I don’t think you allow pain
without a good purpose.”
- Excerpt from Unconfined, Chapter 19, Page 84-85
How do you rate this prayer in terms of finding the “joy of the
Lord?”
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Pillar #2: Don’t let it steal your joy
BUILD A FIRM FOUNDATION:
1. Overcome negative emotions with worship. The prophet Isaiah
instructed the mourning Israelites to put on the “garment of praise instead
of the spirit of despair.” (Isaiah 61:3). God is so worthy of your praise.
When you spend time in worship, negative thoughts tend to leave. Do you
ever enter into worship other than on Sunday?
2. Take every negative thought captive when it tries to invade your
thoughts. The Apostle Paul instructed us to do this in 2 Corinthians 10:5.
Imagine laying your burden down at the foot of the cross and leaving it
there.
3. Care for your mind and your body. Your body is the temple of the
Holy Spirit. A sound mind and healthy body are better equipped to combat
negative feelings. Do you feel guilty caring for yourself if someone you
love is unable or unwilling to care properly for themselves?
PRAYER: THANK YOU, LORD, THAT YOU CAN “RESTORE WHAT THE LOCUST HAS EATEN” (JOEL
2.25) AND “PUT FLESH AND DRY BONES.” (EZEKIEL 37:9-10). YOU ARE CAPABLE OF
RESTORING SOMETHING TO LIFE THAT APPEAR DAMAGED BEYOND REPAIR. BECAUSE OF
WHO YOU ARE, I CAN HAVE JOY. I DECLARE THAT I WILL SEE HEALING AND WHOLENESS IN
MY FAMILY.
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Pillar #2: Don’t let it steal your joy
1. IT IS POSSIBLE TO FEEL JOY IN THE MIDST OF DIFFICULT
CIRCUMSTANCE.
Rejection from someone we love can wound deeply or make us feel anger or
bitterness. Many parents who have a child who is off course struggle with
shame, and feel like a failure as a parent. When you find yourself going
down that path, stop and take those thoughts captive. Jesus has promised to
carry your burdens, (Matthew 11:28-30). Try to be intentional about
envisioning yourself allowing Jesus to lift your burden off your shoulders
and take steps to build joy in your life, despite painful experiences. It is
possible to do this or God would not have instructed us in this way.
2. JOY IS CONTAGIOUS.
If you are shining with the light of God’s joy, other people will be drawn to
you. Having caring people in your life will edify you and give you strength to
walk through life’s ups and downs. If you have a spouse, sibling or friend
who cares, this should give you joy. And you know for certain that God cares,
because He sent His son to die for you and bring you into fellowship with
Him. If you are intentional about cultivating joy, your distant child might
also be drawn to it. Nehemiah 8:10 says, “Do not grieve, for the joy of the
Lord is your strength.” This tells us that when we can’t see any reason to be
joyous, it is possible to “borrow” some joy from the Lord, who is our
strength!
SITE WORK: Let go of shame and every other negative emotion.
Jesus will carry those burdens, like He carried our sin on the cross.
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Pillar #3: Your intercessory
prayers are powerful and having
more impact than you can see
SOLID GROUND PRINCIPLE:
IF YOU ARE A BELIEVER, YOU HAVE THE HOLY
SPIRIT INSIDE OF YOU. GOD’S HOLY SPIRIT INTERCEDES FOR YOU. YOUR
PRAYERS ARE BEFORE THE THRONE OF HEAVEN.
KEY SCRIPTURE:
JAMES 5:16 “THE EARNEST PRAYER OF A RIGHTEOUS PERSON
HAS GREAT POWER AND PRODUCES WONDERFUL RESULTS.”
OUR STORY:
On page 184, Skip sees a mother with young children visiting the prison
and stops to pray for them.
"Skip’s heart ached for them. They were just strangers, but he felt sadness for
the children to have to live without their father.
He bowed his head again, ‘Lord, perhaps you allowed me to be late today,
just so that I would see that little family and pray for them. Protect them and
give them your favor. If they don’t know you, please bring someone along this
week to tell them the good news about Jesus. Show them this week that you
are there for them.
May they receive some assurance that even though their loved one
is separated from them; you will never leave them. Amen.’”
Excerpt from Unconfined, Chapter 33, page 148
How have Skip’s prayers evolved from the beginning of the story?
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Pillar #3: Your intercessory prayers are powerful and having more impact than you can see
Perhaps you have been praying for a loved one for a long time and have grown
weary. You can refresh your prayer life with these powerful truths:
1. GOD WANTS TO ANSWER YOUR PRAYER.
2 Peter 3:9 states that God is patient with our mistakes because He does not
want anyone to perish and be separated from Him. Therefore, you can be
confident that He wants to answer your prayers for your child–the prayer He
placed in your parent’s heart! Psalm 37:4 tells us to “delight in the Lord, and
He will give you the desires of your heart.” If you are praying for your child to
submit his/her life to the Lord, that is a prayer that God wants to answer!
How does knowing that God wants to restore your relationship motivate you
to pray without ceasing?
2. GOD HEARS YOUR PRAYERS AND HE IS MOVING EVEN WHEN YOU
CANNOT SEE.
In Matthew 18:10-14, Jesus told his followers that God assigns his angels to
watch after our children, and that He, the Good Shepherd, will leave 99 sheep
to search for only one that is lost. No matter how far away your child is from
you or from God, He will never stop seeking them. When you pray for your
child, claim this promise:
Lord, thank you that You love my child, and You are not only hemming him[her]
in from bad influences, but You are knocking at his[her] heart with Your Holy
Spirit, and You will never stop knocking. May today be the day that he[she]
hears Your voice and responds!
3. JESUS SEEKS TO SAVE EVEN THOSE WHO AREN’T LOOKING FOR HIM.
Mark 5 tells the story of a man who was about as lost and hopeless as anyone
could be – living in a graveyard continually crying out in his pain and cutting
himself. The man was not asking for forgiveness or turning his heart toward
God, yet Jesus went looking for him anyway. You can rest in peace at night –
no matter where your child is – knowing that Jesus sees where your child is
and He cares.
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Pillar #3: Your intercessory prayers are powerful and having more impact than you can see
SITE WORK: Rid your mind of thoughts of giving up, even if you have
been praying for a long time! Replace weak, desperate prayer with bold
prayers. Do not question whether you are worthy of breakthrough. Root
out doubt that God hears you. God hears our prayers, and His timing is
perfect.
BUILD A FIRM FOUNDATION:
Nehemiah’s model. Read Nehemiah’s prayer in chapter 1:5-11.
In this prayer, Nehemiah:
1. Put God in His rightful place of sovereignty and honor.
2. Confessed his sin and the sin of his people.
3. Remembered what God had promised to do for His followers.
4. Asked for God’s provision to do what he could not do on his own.
Write out your own prayer for a restored relationship using Nehemiah’s model:
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Pillar #4: Tap into the Power of
Christian Community
SOLID GROUND PRINCIPLE:
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. NO MATTER WHAT HAS
HAPPENED TO YOU OR IN YOUR FAMILY, YOU BELONG IN THE BODY OF
CHRIST. WE ARE BETTER TOGETHER.
KEY SCRIPTURE:
PROVERBS 3:4-5 “LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN
UNDERSTANDING, BUT ALL YOUR WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE GOD, AND HE WILL
MAKE YOUR PATH STRAIGHT.”
OUR STORY:
In Chapter 52, page 213 we find Skip serving a Meadowcreek, a foster
home for children and being blessed by the opportunity to pour into
needy children. Earlier in the story in Chapter 46, Skip was invited to
serve at Meadowcreek but had convinced himself that he wasn’t
worthy to work with underprivileged children because his own son
was in trouble.
In what way was Skip leaning on his “own understanding” when
he first resisted serving at Meadowcreek? How did serving change
his understanding of his own circumstance?
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Pillar #4: Tap into the Power of Christian Community
1. DISHARMONY DRAINS NEEDED ENERGY.
A broken relationship with someone you love is emotionally draining. Each
of us is gifted with a finite amount of emotional energy, which is the
“battery” that fuels our ability to carry out necessary tasks. If one component
of your life requires a very large amount of emotional energy, this leaves you
less for everything else. You need wise counsel and emotional support from
other believers to help refuel your battery – and be the best parent [or
person] you can be.
2. CONNECTING WITH SUPPORTIVE, LIKE-MINDED PEOPLE FUELS YOUR
TANK.
Build a support network into your life. If you already have a group of
friends who love and support you, nurture those friendships. It is worth your
effort. If you don’t yet have a network of solid people to lean on for guidance
and support, it can take a bit of time to develop, but it is invaluable to
weathering life’s storms. Somewhere in your church is a group where you
belong. You might find them in the production booth or serving in the
nursery or in a bible study group.
SITE WORK: If you are spending time trying to fix your loved one’s
messes or rescue them from the consequences of their actions, this will
drain you of energy you need to run your race. This makes you less
effective at the things God has called you to do and probably will not
resolve the root of the issue either. Root out feelings of self-sufficiency
which can keep you isolated and alone and get help and advice from
others.
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Pillar #4: Tap into the Power of Christian Community
BUILD A FIRM FOUNDATION:
1. Participate in church. Go in person if you can. “Corporate” worship
often nourishes your spirit more than watching a service online, and your
presences blesses others.
2. Meet regularly with a group of other believers (individually or
collectively) who edify you. Proverbs 27:17 says “As iron sharpens iron, so
one person sharpens another.” Has the Holy Spirit put it on your heart to
reconnect with someone? Or prompted you to join a particular group?
3. Listen to podcasts and bible-based teaching. The Daily Audio Bible is
a great podcast which reads you the whole Bible in a year. What are some
others you have discovered?
4. Serve others in need. You have gifts and talents that are needed
somewhere. Where is there a need in your church or your community that
you could fill?
5. Share your testimony. Others are struggling too and need to know that
they are not alone. Read 2 Corinthians 1 and share how you can put this
scripture into action.
PRAYER: THANK YOU, LORD FOR THE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE WHO BLESS AND EDIFY ME. I PRAY
THAT MY CONCERN OVER MY CHILD WILL NOT DRAW MY ATTENTION AWAY FROM THE
BEAUTIFUL RELATIONSHIPS YOU WANT TO ADD RICHNESS TO MY LIFE. AND I PRAY THAT
YOU WILL BRING A FRIEND OR TRUSTED INDIVIDUAL INTO MY CHILD’S LIFE WHO WILL HELP
THEM SEE YOU IN A NEW AND FRESH WAY!
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Pillar #5: Light the Way Home
SOLID GROUND PRINCIPLE:
THE SEEDS OF FAITH YOU PLANTED IN YOUR
CHILD WILL BE WATERED BY THE LORD AND WILL BLOOM IN DUE SEASON. BE
READY TO WELCOME THEM BACK!
KEY SCRIPTURE:
ISAIAH 55:11 “IT IS THE SAME WITH MY WORD. I SEND IT OUT,
AND IT ALWAYS PRODUCES FRUIT. IT WILL ACCOMPLISH ALL I WANT IT TO, AND
IT WILL PROSPER EVERYWHERE I SEND IT.”
OUR STORY:
Throughout Unconfined, we see examples of how Skip tries to stay
connected with Stephen, even though they are apart and have very
different views about important topics, including faith. Skip writes
letters, reads books that they can share, and puts effort into
planning for his visits. In Chapter 66, Stephen unexpectedly finds
himself in a dangerous and difficult situation in “solitary”
confinement, and after enduring abuse from another inmate, he asks
to be given a Bible. Until this point in the story, none of Skip’s efforts
to share his faith seem to be having an effect on Stephen.
Describe why you think Stephen drew comfort from the Bible in
that moment in Chapter 66?
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Pillar #5: Light the Way Home
Never stop believing your prodigal (or distant loved one) will come home or that
your relationship will be restored. Envision yourself building a spiritual wall
around your family – like Nehemiah did. Within that wall is a safe place for your
loved one to return to someday.
1. GOD’S COMPASSION DRAWS PRODIGALS HOME.
Jesus’ entire life teaches us about extending compassion – even to those who
are making bad choices. One famous example is found in the 8th chapter of
John’s gospel where we read the story of how Jesus dealt with a young
woman who had just been caught in adultery. In Jesus’ time this was a capital
offense, punishable by death. The woman was only moments away from
paying for this mistake with her life when Jesus entered the scene and
stopped a group of men from passing judgment on her. As her accusers
dropped their rocks and walked away, Jesus turned to her and gently told her
that he did not condemn her. Without needing to point out her mistake, he
advised her to choose a different path from that moment on. The Bible says
to “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). There may be a lot of baggage
involved in a damaged relationship – many old wounds and hurts between
you. If you really wish to have a relationship with them, you will likely need
to forgive them many times over. Do your best to temper your words with
love – speaking the truth in a way that will “leave the light on.”
2. CREATE A SAFE PLACE TO RETURN TO.
You may be separated from your child because they are making choices to do
things that you find difficult to be around. Nehemiah had to deal with that
too. Some of the people for whom he worked so hard to build a refuge
continued to refuse to honor God’s ways. Nehemiah was forced to ask some
of the people to leave Jerusalem and live outside the wall. Yet they knew they
were welcome inside the fellowship if they chose to make different choices.
(Nehemiah 12 & 13)
SITE WORK: Don’t
waste time thinking of ways to “guilt” your loved one into
returning, or make your love conditional on certain actions on their part. Jesus
said his “yoke is easy and his burden is light.” (Matthew 11:30)
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Pillar #5: Light the Way Home
BUILD A FIRM FOUNDATION:
1. Follow the example of Jesus. He was kindest to those who had made mistakes.
His kindness and forgiveness drew them to Him. Is there kindness in your
interactions with your loved one?
2. Feed them – literally and figuratively. A lot of wisdom can be imparted over
the dinner table which can’t be imparted via text. Nehemiah fed hundreds of
people each night as he was building trust and credibility with the people he
wanted to draw back to God.
3. Find common ground. Despite significant schisms over faith, morality, or life
choices, you can find something to share in common – if you are intentional. Is
there something you used to share with your estranged loved one that you could
rekindle? Do you both love an older family member, perhaps a child’s
grandparent? Can you facilitate a visit or meal with that person you have in
common?
4. Remind them of their heritage. God put us in our earthly family.
Understanding and recognizing the shared culture and traditions which make
your family unique and special can bring you closer. What is something unique
about your family that you could use to draw you closer to your loved one, even
for a brief encounter?
PRAYER: THANK YOU, LORD THAT YOUR WORD ALWAYS PROSPERS. THANK YOU THAT ALL
OF THE SEEDS OF FAITH I HAVE PLANTED IN MY CHILD ARE BEING WATERED BY YOU.
PLEASE PUT OTHER FAITHFUL PEOPLE IN MY CHILD’S LIFE WHO WILL HELP THEIR FAITH
GROW. PLEASE REMIND MY CHILD THAT HE[SHE] HAS A GODLY HERITAGE THAT IS
PRECIOUS AND WORTHY OF RESTORATION AND RECOMMITMENT. AMEN
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