Gavin Bollard – The Special-ism Posts – Volume 1 and 2
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of your children http://special-ism.com/
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Gavin Bollard – The Special-ism Posts – Volume 1 and 2
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Gavin Bollard: The Special-Ism Posts – Volume 1 and 2
Version 2.0, January 2018
Contents
Introduction ................................................................................................................................. 6
About Gavin Bollard................................................................................................................. 6
Special-Ism ............................................................................................................................. 6
A Door to Advocacy and Leadership for Asperger’s and a Special Kind of Fame.........................7
Finding Alternative Activities .................................................................................................... 8
Resisting the Urge to Rewrite Your Child’s Future .......................................................................9
Using Visual Aids to Take Advantage of Your Child’s Visual Learning Style ..............................11
Computers can do lots of things. ...........................................................................................11
TV is your friend. ................................................................................................................... 11
Real Life is a Great Classroom ..............................................................................................12
Home experimentation and demonstration is a good way to teach Science ...........................12
Teaching Basic Life Skills to your Special Needs Children ........................................................13
The Dangers of (S)mothering your Children...........................................................................13
Getting down to the Detail ..................................................................................................... 13
Beyond the Detail .................................................................................................................. 14
Discipline and Kids with Special Needs .....................................................................................15
Is There a Place for this Behaviour? ......................................................................................15
Punish for Danger, not for Behaviour .....................................................................................15
Making Mistakes....................................................................................................................16
You Still Need to be Strict ...................................................................................................... 16
How do I Discipline? .............................................................................................................. 16
Helping Your Special Needs Child to See Past Their Own Point-of-View ...................................18
Understanding Individuality.................................................................................................... 18
Understanding Different Values and Expectations .................................................................19
Understanding Differences in Sensitivities .............................................................................19
Learning by Example .............................................................................................................19
What is “Stimming” and Why is it Important? .............................................................................20
Providing Feedback to Our Senses .......................................................................................20
Sensory Overload.................................................................................................................. 20
Stimming as a Stress-Reducer ..............................................................................................20
Stimming Because it Feels Good...........................................................................................21
Reducing Stimming ...............................................................................................................21
Teaching Your Special Needs Child to Swim .............................................................................22
Initial Problems with Learning to Swim ..................................................................................22
Trying Again .......................................................................................................................... 22
The Third Attempt..................................................................................................................23
Lessons Learned................................................................................................................... 23
Recognizing Sensory Overload ................................................................................................. 24
Unnoticed Sensory Pain ........................................................................................................ 24
Increased Stimuli on the Senses ...........................................................................................24
Consequences to Sensory Overload......................................................................................24
Behind Sensory Overload ...................................................................................................... 25
Managing Expectations and Reactions During Visits and Gift Exchange ...................................26
Coaching and Preparing ........................................................................................................ 26
Knowing When Enough is Enough ........................................................................................27
Emotional Interpretation of Children with Special Needs ..........................................................28
Looking for Emotions............................................................................................................. 28
Where to Look for Emotions .................................................................................................. 28
Improving Your Bond with Your Child ....................................................................................29
Make Shopping a More “Kid-Friendly” Experience for Special Needs Children ..........................30
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Wider Effects of Intolerance................................................................................................... 30
Positive Approaches .............................................................................................................. 30
Environmental and Social Factors .........................................................................................31
Take a look at your child’s behaviour too. ..............................................................................31
Planning Breaks .................................................................................................................... 31
How Shopping Centres Can Help ..........................................................................................31
Why We Need to Advocate Against Our Children’s Labels ........................................................32
Labels and Children............................................................................................................... 32
Labels for Invisible Differences ..............................................................................................33
Some Ways to Promote the Individual ...................................................................................33
Summary............................................................................................................................... 34
How Can Scouting Help Children with Special Needs?..............................................................35
Choosing a Group .................................................................................................................35
How Exactly does Scouts Develop Critical Skills? ..................................................................36
Kids with Isms Can Benefit by Using Lists .................................................................................38
The Pleasure of Lists............................................................................................................. 38
The Value of Using Lists........................................................................................................ 39
Tools for Lists ........................................................................................................................ 39
Displaying Confidence in Your Special Needs Child ..................................................................40
All Eyes on Your Child .......................................................................................................... 40
Allowing Your Child to Gain Independence ............................................................................40
Learning to Let Go................................................................................................................. 40
Suggestions to Build Confidence ...........................................................................................41
Navigating the Nightmare of Special Needs School Lunches.....................................................42
Uneaten Lunches .................................................................................................................. 42
Changing the Contents of School Lunches ............................................................................43
Changing Your Lunch Routine ............................................................................................... 43
Reducing Computer Overuse Problems in Kids with Special Needs ..........................................44
The Downside of Computer Usage ........................................................................................44
How Computers May Affect Kids with Special Needs.............................................................44
Restricting the Number of “Computer Hours” .........................................................................45
Tips for Combating the Effects of Overuse.............................................................................45
Summary............................................................................................................................... 45
Taking Things Literally – An Issue that Matters .........................................................................46
Here’s a somewhat different example, which really happened. ..............................................46
From Fish to Dogs – Selecting a Therapeutic Pet......................................................................48
Fish – Visually Calming ........................................................................................................ 48
Dogs – Man’s Best Friend ....................................................................................................48
Service & Therapy Dogs ........................................................................................................ 49
Other Pets ............................................................................................................................. 49
Detect and Deal with Anxiety.....................................................................................................51
The Impact of Anxiety ............................................................................................................ 51
Detecting Anxiety .................................................................................................................. 51
Open and Closed Spaces ...................................................................................................... 52
Social and Confrontational.....................................................................................................52
OCD ...................................................................................................................................... 52
Object (including Food) Related ............................................................................................52
Dealing with Anxiety .............................................................................................................. 53
Discipline Tips for Age 10 and Up ............................................................................................. 54
Keep Discipline in Mind ......................................................................................................... 54
Ensure Discipline is about Teaching ......................................................................................54
Use Deterrents ...................................................................................................................... 55
Take Things Away ................................................................................................................. 55
Escalating Discipline Results in Failure..................................................................................56
“Probability Goals” Keep your Perfectionist Child from Giving Up ..............................................57
Probability Goals ................................................................................................................... 57
Using Probability Goals in Real Life .......................................................................................58
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Using Probability Goals in Homework ....................................................................................58
Using Probability Goals in Sports...........................................................................................58
Is Your Child a “Class Clown” to Gain Acceptance? ..................................................................60
Bullying and the Class Clown................................................................................................. 60
When Clowning Backfires...................................................................................................... 61
Non-Harmful Clowning .......................................................................................................... 61
Change Your Child’s Behavior to Attract Less Attention ............................................................62
When “Being Yourself” Causes Social Problems ...................................................................62
A Stuffed Toy Example .......................................................................................................... 62
Correcting Behaviors .............................................................................................................63
A Food Example ....................................................................................................................63
A Dressing Example .............................................................................................................. 63
Meltdown? Reduce Sensory Input, Reduce the Intensity ...........................................................64
What is a Meltdown? .............................................................................................................64
Avoid the Meltdown ...............................................................................................................64
Meltdown Triggers and the Fuel............................................................................................. 65
Reduce Stimulation ...............................................................................................................65
When Parents Disagree – Focus on Treatment.........................................................................67
Noticing the Dissimilarities .....................................................................................................67
A Simple Look at Genetics ....................................................................................................68
Focus on Treatment, Forget the Labels .................................................................................68
How to Develop Realistic Goals With Children ..........................................................................70
Why Set Goals?..................................................................................................................... 70
Setting Goals......................................................................................................................... 70
Setting Measurable Goals ..................................................................................................... 71
Scoring Anxiety? Choose Non-Competitive Sports ....................................................................73
A Move to Scouts .................................................................................................................. 73
A Quest for Activities .............................................................................................................74
Want Kids to Respond Positively? Don’t Mince Your Words ......................................................75
Get Attention First .................................................................................................................75
Avoid Complexity................................................................................................................... 76
Give Clear & Precise Direction .............................................................................................. 76
Soften Chores with Sweetness ..............................................................................................76
How Does Your School’s Rewards Program Fair?.....................................................................77
Why Should Any Child Be Left Out? ......................................................................................77
Kids with Isms Left Empty Handed ........................................................................................77
Every Child Deserves Recognition.........................................................................................78
Advocating for All Kids........................................................................................................... 78
Rewards Mean So Much More to Families and Kids with Isms ..............................................78
Kids Can’t Work Together? Separate Them ..............................................................................80
Look After “Number One”.......................................................................................................80
The Production Line .............................................................................................................. 81
When Things Go Wrong ........................................................................................................ 81
When Things Can’t be Resolved ...........................................................................................81
Detect & Harness Your Child’s Special Interests .......................................................................82
What are Special Interests?................................................................................................... 82
How do Special Interests Develop? .......................................................................................82
Detecting the Special Interest ................................................................................................83
Problematic Special Interests ................................................................................................83
Harnessing the Special Interests ...........................................................................................83
Plan Ahead to Reduce Anxiety .................................................................................................. 84
When Fight is Triggered ........................................................................................................ 84
When Flight is Activated ........................................................................................................ 84
Reduce the Everyday Anxiety ................................................................................................84
Social Stories to Reduce Anxiety ...........................................................................................85
Plan for the Unexpected Anxiety ............................................................................................85
Roll with Unexpected Anxiety................................................................................................. 86
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Discover How to Become More Effective Parents......................................................................87
Watch Out for the Negative Spiral..........................................................................................87
Adjust Your Living Hours ....................................................................................................... 88
Adjust Your TV Viewing ......................................................................................................... 88
Consider Medications ............................................................................................................ 88
Remember, You are Number One .........................................................................................88
Nap Time = Time Out ............................................................................................................ 88
Divide and Conquer ............................................................................................................... 88
Exercise for Endorphins......................................................................................................... 89
Wake Up Earlier .................................................................................................................... 89
Respect the Need for Breaks................................................................................................. 89
Move into Homework Routine................................................................................................ 89
Uncover Anxiety with a Simple Game........................................................................................91
Anxiety – Beyond Harmless Fears .........................................................................................91
Get a Handle on your Child’s Anxiety.....................................................................................91
Discipline: End the Cycle of Yelling ...........................................................................................93
Get a Handle on Your Yelling................................................................................................. 93
Actions and Consequences are Teaching Tools ....................................................................95
Give Your Brain the Downtime it Needs – Set Devices Aside ....................................................96
High Risk of Overuse Injuries ................................................................................................96
The Lack of Downtime ...........................................................................................................97
Lifestyle Impacts....................................................................................................................97
And the Answer is… .............................................................................................................. 97
Higher Education – Choose What Meets Your Child’s Needs ....................................................99
Higher Education isn’t Always Better .....................................................................................99
Trade Schools may be More Suitable ..................................................................................100
Explore Micro Business Opportunities .................................................................................100
Own Your Stress and Live More Peacefully.............................................................................101
Worry Over Job Security...................................................................................................... 101
A Move Out of the Comfort Zone .........................................................................................101
We Create Our Own Stress ................................................................................................. 102
Put Happiness First .............................................................................................................102
Work Through the Logic ...................................................................................................... 102
Computing Technology – Keep it in a Shared Family Space....................................................103
Keep Computing Technology Together................................................................................103
Protect Against Inappropriate Material in Computing Technology ........................................103
Foster Safe Online Play with Computing Technology ...........................................................104
Avoid Addiction of Computing Technology ...........................................................................104
How Deaf People Listen – How You Can Help ........................................................................105
The Clues Deaf People Use.................................................................................................105
Repetition Not Always Key ...................................................................................................106
A Little More Context Please ............................................................................................... 106
Silver Bullets for Deaf People – Not .....................................................................................107
Sign Language .................................................................................................................... 107
Hearing Aids ........................................................................................................................ 107
About Special-Ism ................................................................................................................... 108
What is Special-Ism? .......................................................................................................... 108
What is an “Ism”, you ask? ................................................................................................. 108
Special Online Promotional Platform for Clinical Professionals ............................................108
Supporting Our Amazing Readers .......................................................................................108
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Introduction
About Gavin Bollard
Gavin is a dad who discovered that his own differences were due to Aspergers while
researching his son’s diagnosis. His blog, Life with Aspergers, delves into the day-to-day details
of Asperger's and related conditions while maintaining a focus on the positives.
From 2011 to 2017 Gavin participated with a group of bloggers on a site called Special-Ism.
With the closure of that site in 2018, he has preserved his posts in this eBook.
This is a free ebook dedicated to helping people with Asperger’s syndrome and other Ism’s
communicate with those who love and care for them.
Special-Ism
Special-Ism was a site which collected the resources of a number of international bloggers
relating to the raising of children with special needs. The phrase “Special-Ism” was frequently
used in place of autism and any other differences in order to make the material appeal to a
broader audience rather than to a specific sub-group of special needs children.
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A Door to Advocacy and Leadership for Asperger’s and a Special
Kind of Fame
This post is part of the series titled “When One Door Closes, Another Door Opens,” where
people reveal how their paths have changed since a child with special needs has entered their
lives. ~ Danette Schott (Co-Founder of Special-Ism).
We all have closed doors.
I grew up being told by supportive grandparents that I’d be something special someday. They
bandied around ridiculous job titles such as “Prime Minister” even though I’ve never shown any
interest in politics. Gullibly, I believed them. When my good grades and general performance
didn’t attract attention, I merely assumed that eventually it would.
Eventually my famous destiny would come calling.
I’m still waiting.
As time went on, I realised that I was getting too old to make major breakthroughs. I began to
pin my hopes on my children being famous and then suddenly, out of the blue, special needs
slammed that door shut completely. First one son was diagnosed with Aspergers, Attention
Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder-I (ADHD-I) and Nonverbal Learning Disorder (NVLD), then the
other received high-functioning autism (HFA). The diagnostic process is still continuing and
we’re currently pondering the next set of letters.
It was difficult coming to terms with the fact that both of my offspring had limitations on them. I’d
often cited my own deafness as the target of blame for my mediocre career and now suddenly,
my children were having their futures taken away.
I could have given up then. I’m sure I considered it for a time.
As I began trying to get to the root of my children’s “problem” in my need to understand
everything about it, I was unaware of the transformation taking place. The more time I spent
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researching my son’s condition, the more I learnt about myself. Eventually it became clear that I
shared my son’s condition (Asperger’s Syndrome) and more importantly, I discovered that I’d
thrived with it.
Far from being a limiting factor in my life, Asperger’s has made me who I am. I have a right to
be proud of my accomplishments. As for fame; well, fame really just isn’t important.
I stopped thinking about my failure to achieve impossible things. They were never actually
dreams or ambitions of mine after all. Instead I began to look at how I was changing as a
person. How I was becoming more accepting, more knowledgeable and more a part of my
children’s lives. I began to see that these small successes were far more important than my
“greater failures”. As I began to accept myself, so too, I began to accept my children for who
they are.
These days, I do a lot of things with my children but I also find myself looking out for other
unlikely heroes too. I’m trying, via advocacy, to bring a greater understanding of Asperger’s
Syndrome to the world – and I think I’m succeeding. This time, I’m not trying to do things alone
but in concert with hundreds of bloggers around the world. It’s not about fame, it’s about helping
– and it’s about being a part of something great.
Finding Alternative Activities
When the door to more traditional extra-curricular activities, such as soccer, was closed to my
children, I sought an alternative. It was scouts. Instead of having training nights and Saturdays
which are focused on the need to keep running constantly – something my children have
problems with. They now have a huge variety of activities. Every night is different.
I followed my children through the door which had opened. By becoming a cub scout leader, I
was able to help them keep up. I began to see the differences between my children and the
group and I began to work on reducing the social impact of those differences. At the same time,
I discovered other children in the group who could use a little help.
As a cub scout leader, I’m making a difference to the lives of many children. There is always a
place for special needs children in my pack. We actually have “differently-abled” nights where
my pack gets to learn about how differences can make life difficult for some people – and how
their actions can help to make their lives more enjoyable.
It’s more than simple understanding and acceptance though. I reward cubs in my pack when I
see them helping others and it always brings a tear to my eye when one will jump up and run
over to help another who obviously could use some assistance.
Acceptance starts with the self and my children accept themselves for who they are. They
accept others for themselves too. Their limitations no longer confine them, they simply point the
way towards the open doors.
One day, maybe one of my kids will become something famous but for the moment, they are all
already something great.
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Resisting the Urge to Rewrite Your Child’s Future
Life can be tough for children with special needs. As parents we often grieve for losses which
were never an option. For example, an athletics-focused parent of a wheelchair-bound child may
grieve the loss of an Olympic opportunity.
There are a few ways to look at this. First of all, it’s a little selfish for a parent to expect their child
to fulfill their dreams. Children are there for their own sake, not to give their parents a second
shot at goals they may have missed. While I’m sure that these plans aren’t intended to cause
harm, it’s very clear that they do.
Secondly, it’s unfair to put expectations on a child at such an early age – and especially unfair to
do this when the child is in the womb. I know parents who mercilessly put their children through
music or swimming practice with the intention of creating a maestro or champion. It’s rarely
successful and often the pressure of having to perform when their friends are out having fun
pushes these children away from their parent’s pet subjects – and ultimately away from their
parents.
Thirdly, why are we writing off the child’s future with the idea that they will never achieve a
specific goal? Surely the para-olympics have taught us that even the most physically disabled
people are capable of amazing feats.
Of course, it’s easy to point out these things when looking at physical disabilities. We can clearly
see the impact that science is having on this area in terms of supports such as wheelchairs,
prosthetics and even corrective surgery.
It’s much harder to understand how parents discriminate against their own children by writing off
parts of their future when the child has invisible special needs.
I see this all of the time in the autism community. Parents decide that their child will never get
married or will never be able to live independently. They worry about the long term future of their
children and become depressed and uninspiring parents whose mental state does nothing for
their kids.
Even worse, their vision of the future may become a self-fulfilling prophecy because they take all
of the appropriate action to ensure that their children never stand a chance. A parent who
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decides that their child with autism won’t become a swimming champion may withdraw them
from valuable and potentially life-saving swimming lessons.
In some cases, the depression even sparks a murderous rampage which terminates the life of a
child because of a lack of imagination and acceptance on the part of the parent. I’m sure we’ve
all read of stories like that in the newspapers. They all start with the smaller emotions of
disappointment and resentment.
In the invisible special needs world, we have labels. For some strange reason, many parents
think that once their child has a label, all of the symptoms and conditions of that label apply. This
is silly – it’s unlikely that anyone has “all” of the symptoms that their label dictates.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against labels – in fact, I’m very much in favor of them. Labels can
be very handy for obtaining funding and for handing your child over to a new teacher without a
three hour discussion. It’s just that many parents see labels as a list of limitations rather than
guidelines for negotiating their child’s difficulties.
A label will tell you what things are likely to be difficult for your child – not what they can’t do.
For example; it’s clear that people with Asperger’s Syndrome have social difficulties. Perhaps it’s
even implied that many people with Asperger’s Syndrome might have difficulty forming lasting
relationships although personally, I know plenty of aspies who have gotten married and stayed
that way too.
What irks me is when I see a letter from a parent saying; “My twelve year old son has Asperger’s
Syndrome and will never marry – what can I do to make sure that he is cared for after I die?”
Seriously. How can you write off your child’s future at twelve? The majority of the things which
are possible for the general population are also possible for your child with invisible special
needs. Concentrate on what they need in the present – not what they might lack in the future.
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Using Visual Aids to Take Advantage of Your Child’s Visual
Learning Style
Every child with invisible special needs is different. For some, listening, reading and writing
develop naturally and to a high level but for others, these things are a struggle.
Some children learn best by seeing and doing things. We often refer to these children as “visual
learners”.
The schools of yesterday weren’t well positioned to educate visual learners, often funneling them
into art, woodwork and cooking classes which prepared them for trades careers while ignoring
academic development. Modern schools have improved on this considerably but still lack the
time and facilities to bring a truly visual approach to academic subjects. As parents however, we
have now some excellent opportunities to help our special needs children reach their potential at
home.
Here’s a few tips to get you thinking:
Computers can do lots of things.
Reach beyond the traditional ideas of a computer as a business tool, games machine and
research tool and start using it for visual education. Search YouTube for re-enactments of
famous speeches, archival footage of events, science experiments and mathematics
explanations. Use PowerPoint to make electronic flashcards and use Google translate for
foreign languages – did you know that it not only gives written translations, it “speaks” them too.
TV is your friend.
Yes, we know that too much TV is bad for you but visual learners will pick up much more via the
pervasive power to TV than they will in books.
Expose your children to documentaries which complement their school syllabus and movies
which match their reading materials. Branch out and find movies with less obvious links. For
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example, ask your history students to make a list of clothing worn and food consumed by various
members of social classes in Braveheart. A few prompts will go a long way towards putting the
focus where it belongs.
Real Life is a Great Classroom
Real life situations can teach a visual child much more effectively than a classroom. Take your
child shopping with you and ask them to find the cheapest items or the best value by weight.
Give them money to buy things and ask them how much change they should expect. Take a
drive and measure your car’s fuel economy. All of these things can help to bring mathematics to
life.
Museums, art galleries and monuments can bring stories to life. Visit them to talk about animal
camouflage, dinosaurs and history. After all, looking at artifacts can often tell you a lot more
about a culture than a book. Many museums today offer practical sessions on paleontology and
other skills. They may be for younger kids but take your special needs children to them, they’ll
learn a great deal.
Home experimentation and demonstration is a good way to teach Science
Science isn’t just a textbook subject and many of the abstract concepts of science, such as
planetary movement, eclipses and phases of the moon can be easily demonstrated with a torch
and several pieces of fruit. Chemical concepts can be demonstrated with simple home
experiments, as can electronics, magnetism and mechanics.
Experiments can make dull academic subjects seem real to your child and can be applied to
many other disciplines such as mathematics. Try taking your child to the local park and
measuring the distance between points using only footsteps. If lines are marked, such as on a
football field, you’ll find it very easy to demonstrate Pythagoras’ theorem.
If your child is a visual learner, don’t assume that they will need to learn a trade because
academic topics are too difficult for them. Adapt to their learning style. The results may surprise
you.
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Teaching Basic Life Skills to your Special Needs Children
Lets face it. As a parent, you simply won’t be around for your child’s entire lifetime. Sooner or
later your child is going to have to become independent and the earlier you start teaching these
skills, the better.
Unfortunately, many children with special needs, particularly those with Asperger’s Syndrome,
don’t pick these life skills up automatically. Things which are automatic for other kids must
be explicitly and repeatedly taught to them.
The Dangers of (S)mothering your Children
Many parents of children with special needs become so fixated on fulfilling their child’s needs
that they forget to allow them room to do things by themselves – and more importantly to fail.
We’ve all heard the expression “to learn from one’s mistakes” but for some reason, we’re afraid
to allow our children to do this. This is a perfectly reasonable scenario where danger is involved
but in safe situations, it’s simply wrong. Far from protecting our child’s fragile self-esteem, we
are actually causing long-term independence and esteem issues by not allowing our kids to feel
a sense of achievement when they succeed and we’re not teaching them anything about
handling failure gracefully either.
It’s tempting to do everything for our special needs child and it’s hard to resist fixing their
mistakes. How many mothers straighten or remake the bed after our kids have made them?
How many fathers end up building their child’s models because they’re afraid of the poor quality
of the finished product? This isn’t being helpful, it’s being overprotective, smothering and a
perfectionist- and it’s not helping your children at all.
Getting down to the Detail
Neurotypical or “normal” children tend to pick up a lot of life skills simply by watching or
interacting with others but many special needs children live in a world of their own. This is
especially true of children with Asperger’s Syndrome who devote enormous amounts of mental
activity to their special interest. You might think that your child is paying attention but if you could
see into their mind, you might find that they’re thinking about Lego Star Wars figures instead. It’s
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little wonder that they don’t pick up much from simply watching you. They have to be taught skills
– and taught explicitly.
Take brushing ones teeth for example; There’s actually quite a bit to the skill. The child has to
make sure that they’ve finished eating and drinking for a while then get their toothbrush, wet it,
put toothpaste on and then attempt to follow a pattern around their mouth to make sure that they
get everything. Even the act of squeezing the toothpaste out has several components including
a judgement of the amount to put out and the need to remember to put the lid back on. Finally,
everything related to teeth brushing needs to be cleaned and put away.
All of these steps should be put in order on a whiteboard in the bathroom. As a parent, your
primary focus should be to guide your child through the steps, ideally without prompting. You
need your child to understand why they are brushing their teeth and what can happen if they
don’t. It’s not just about teeth falling out or going to the dentist, it’s the social issues of bad
breath and poor hygiene that they need to understand, particularly as they approach their teens.
Beyond the Detail
Your initial goal should be to get the child doing all of the steps to brush their teeth automatically.
1. Procedure: One way to achieve this is to slowly wipe parts of the sentences off the
whiteboard while still leaving enough for them to follow. Hopefully they’ll be following
through the steps without the board eventually.
2. Quality: Once you’ve got the steps happening, your next goal needs to be quality. You
need to look at the way that their teeth are being cleaned and ensure that they are doing
a good enough job. You should not attempt to correct on quality until the initial challenge
of the procedure has been dealt with.
3. Speed: Finally, once your child has mastered both the procedure and the quality, the
last thing to work on is speed. You need to use a timer to find out how long it takes them
to brush their teeth and then reduce the time by one minute every few days until they’re
accomplishing the task in the time required. Note that by accomplish, we mean
completed – not half done. If it takes your child one minute to put everything away, then
you may need to remind them to stop brushing with one minute to spare.
There are many more life skills to cover such as bathing, shampooing, packing their school
bags, putting on their uniform and buying things at the shops. You should avoid teaching several
similar skills at the same time but they should all be taught in similar explicit ways. Every little
detail must be covered.
This may seem tedious but independence is a quality which simply can’t be undervalued. It’s
probably more important to your child than their academic studies and yet very few parents and
schools actually teach it.
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Discipline and Kids with Special Needs
Current thinking suggests that spanking and shouting are not acceptable forms of discipline but
show me a parent who has done neither and I’ll show you one who has either given birth to a
saint or is a pathological liar.
We’ve all done it and we all feel terrible about it afterwards but that isn’t the reason it’s wrong.
Apart from the threat of physical damage, there are psychological issues too. Plus, of course,
there’s the fact that children who are hit by their parents tend to grow up believing that violence
is an acceptable solution and one day, they’ll be strong enough to hit you back. Unfortunately,
this still leaves us with the need to instill discipline in our children.
Is There a Place for this Behaviour?
There’s no consensus on this but in my opinion, below a certain age, only simple responses are
effective. I feel that a toddler is better off receiving a slap on the wrist or a stern voice than pain
from the electrical outlet they’re prodding with a fork. Sure, you can take the fork from your
toddler and cover the outlets in your house but what about when you visit others? The sooner
your child learns to avoid danger, the better.
Punish for Danger, not for Behaviour
It’s a small step from punishing a child for running off toward a dangerous street to punishing
them for disobedience. As the parent, you’ll have to determine which are “danger” issues and
act accordingly. For example, I used to punish my toddlers for throwing things at people but not
for general throwing.
You should avoid shouting and spanking punishments for behavioural issues. Sometimes, such
as when your child destroys treasured heirlooms, you just have to let it out for your own sake. If
that’s the case, try to do it away from your child.
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Some behaviour which seems naughty isn’t actually naughty at all. The sly look that your child
gives you when dirtying their nappy isn’t necessarily disobedience and to punish for this can add
considerable delays to toilet training.
Making Mistakes
We all make mistakes as new parents but there’s no sense in agonizing over them. Move on
and try harder next time. If you find yourself losing your temper with the kids, make sure that you
take time-out for yourself. Put them into care and if it will help, talk to a counselor. If you think
that you’re in a dangerous state around your children, it’s better to have someone collect them
for a while – even if you contact a helpline and ask for assistance. Don’t be afraid to ask for help
because we all need it from time to time.
You Still Need to be Strict
Unfortunately, you can’t go down the path of new age parenting either. I know people who
discipline in cutesy baby voices or cuddle during a reprimand. These niceties do nothing for
discipline. Instead they give the child power over you. The child feels rewarded with attention
and will repeat the behaviour. Far from stopping an activity, you’re actually encouraging it.
Strict parenting is a main feature of shows like Supernanny, but unfortunately the “naughty
corner” technique won’t necessarily work with a child who has autism – at least, not until they’re
much older. As a general rule though, all forms of smacking should be gone by about six years
of age in a child on the spectrum. In children with fewer difficulties, smacking should stop much
earlier. To extend past this age is to run the risk of instilling violent behaviours into your children.
It’s tempting to switch from smacking to shouting and indeed many parents, myself included, do
this unintentionally. Shouting isn’t a great method either but it’s a little less harmful than
smacking except when used too often. You’ll find however that you can get much better results if
you use it sparingly. The other thing to avoid is “put-downs”. Do not tell your child that they are
“stupid”, that “they won’t amount to anything” or that “they won’t live past 30 if they keep eating
sugar”. Putdowns stay with your child well and truly into adulthood.
How do I Discipline?

Always keep in mind that discipline doesn’t mean punish, it means teach. Whenever
you’re in “discipline” mode, try to take a moment to decide what the object of the lesson
is. Too often, you’ll find that it’s all about you. It’s your way of taking revenge on the child
who knocked over your vase or who dropped rubbish on the floor for you to clean up.
Too often we secretly want to see our kids cry because of what they’ve done to us. If
that’s the motivation, then stop – don’t use discipline as punishment.

Sometimes you’re too emotional to discipline. If that’s the case, assign a task for later;
for example, you can say; “Young man, you will be picking up every piece of that paper
that you have just shredded”. At that point, if you need to take some time out to regain
control, then do so. You’ve made the requirements clear.When you’re calm, you can
return and start your child on their task. Don’t forget that some special needs children
won’t be capable of cleaning up their messes without assistance. You may have to help
by pointing at each bit of rubbish or get in and actually help.

You’ll find that as your children get older, things like time out corners and food or
monetary rewards will become more effective. Don’t be afraid to give these things a try
even if you know they haven’t worked in the past.
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Most of all though, avoid correcting your child for every single thing. Remember the mantra;
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Some things, they just need to learn on their own.
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Helping Your Special Needs Child to See Past Their Own Pointof-View
It has long been thought that people with autism have “no empathy” and it’s really only now that
this concept is beginning to be understood. These children certainly feel emotions, arguably
more strongly than neurotypical children. They just have a lot of trouble understanding how other
people are feeling and they have great difficulty expressing empathy in terms that others can
understand. Throw in the immersive “special interests”, a tendency for bluntness and black and
white thinking and it’s easy to see where the “no empathy” idea came from. One of the first steps
in overcoming this issue is to encourage your child to look past their own point-of-view and to try
to understand how other people feel. It’s not an easy concept to teach but it’s certainly a
worthwhile one.
Understanding Individuality
We often talk about individuality but rarely fully explain the concept to our children. “We’re all
different”, we tell them, and then we tend to leave it at that. Our children believe that they
understand. Some kids have blonde hair, some black, some brown. There’s a great variation in
eye colour and shape and in various other features. Our concept of individuality tends to be
primarily external. We need to take extra steps to ensure that our children understand that
individuality is very much an internal thing. Everyone thinks differently and our thinking is
moulded by our past experiences and by our upbringing.
A good way to explain this is to talk about a solid object, such as a car and to ask for the child’s
opinion.
Once you have the child’s opinion, ask:
 What would a very rich person, such as a king, think of the car?
 What would a very poor person think?
 What would a person who has never seen a car think?
Another good example would be to talk about the value of food to various people from different
walks of life. Your child might hate carrots but you may find that it’s never occurred to him to
think that some people actually love them.
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Understanding Different Values and Expectations
Once your child has grasped the concept of individual thinking, the next step is to understand
that people have different values.The car example leads into this by demonstrating how the
concept of value changes depending upon a person’s wealth. Life values are surprisingly similar.
A person who lives among liars may place very little value on the truth because they
automatically expect to be lied to, while a person from a very truthful family may always expect
the truth. Each is correct in their own world, but when they interact with each other problems will
occur. Each will expect a different behaviour from the other.
Clashes in values invariably lead to conflict. I’ve always told my children that their ideal lifepartner will be someone who shares the same sorts of values as them. They can come from
different religions, different cultures or different economic backgrounds but so long as their
values are similar, their relationship will stand a chance.
The basic tenet of value is respect. You must be able to identify and respect that which is valued
by others.
Sadly, I’d argue that more than half of the people in today’s society lack this level of respect.
Teaching your children to respect the values of others is difficult. Unfortunately, people don’t
generally wear their values on their sleeve for everyone to see and it’s hard to respect that which
you don’t understand. I’ve spent many of our car trips explaining different religious points of view
to my children, trying to teach them to respect the beliefs and values of others. I believe that I’ve
largely succeeded but taking the concept further into “invisible values” isn’t going to be easy.
Understanding Differences in Sensitivities
My final point concerns differences in sensitivity. Everyone has different sensitivities and we all
carry a lot of emotional baggage. Even worse, those sensitivities shift with time and
circumstance. For example, larger people have problems with the word “fat” while slimmer
people do not. The exception here is slim pregnant people, who suddenly develop a lot of issues
for a brief period of time. This is very difficult concept to explain to children without hurting them
to do so. You don’t want to point out your child’s own sensitivities to them but sometimes
pointing them out is the only way to get them to understand that others have sensitivities too.
Sometimes the direct approach is far more effective than simply telling your child not to make
personal observations. After all, sensitivities go well beyond simple appearances.
Learning by Example
Learning is not something that is just for the classroom. Learning continues throughout all parts
of life. As a parent, the best that you can do is make the most of the examples that life throws in
your direction. Whenever the opportunity arises to show your children that others can have a
different point-of-view, seize that opportunity and make the very most of it. Remember that the
best role model that your child can have, is you.
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What is “Stimming” and Why is it Important?
Does your special needs child frequently rock, bob their knee, make annoying humming noises,
squint or smell strange things that they shouldn’t? These behaviours are sensory stimulation or
stimming and they’re not simply normal. For a child on the autism spectrum, they’re an essential
part of coping with life.
Providing Feedback to Our Senses
Stimming involves supplying feedback to the senses. There are five commonly discussed
senses; sight, hearing, smell, taste and touch. There are also a few extra senses including
equilibrioception (balance), interoception, and proprioception (your body’s position). Then of
course, there are internal mental registers which seem able to receive stimulation of their own.
You’ll find that stimming behaviours address one or more senses, for example humming sends
signals to both auditory and tactile senses (hearing and touch).
Sensory Overload
People on the autism spectrum often suffer from sensory overload. Note that sensory in this
context applies to more than just the five senses. For example, hearing bad news or a sudden
change of plan may not seem “sensory” to us but to the person on the spectrum, it’s an internal
mental overload – and it causes a lot of stress.
Stimming as a Stress-Reducer
Stimming provides feedback which can distract and reassure a person on the autism spectrum.
By rocking for instance, a person on the spectrum may engage their mental, proprioception,
equilibrioception and tactile senses in other work which prevents them thinking about an issue
which is affecting them. This is the reason why you’ll notice an increase in stimming behaviour
when your child is under stress.
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Stimming Because it Feels Good
Of course, most stimming behaviours occur naturally without any intention on an individual’s
behalf to use them to deal with particular stress. A child may stim simply because it feels good.
They may also be completely unaware that they are stimming.
These behaviours can be quite annoying at times as they draw unwanted attention to your child
in the form of bullying and they can can often be damaging too. One of my son’s worst stims
involved chewing on his shirts. The behaviour has only recently stopped – and he’s twelve. You
can imagine our disappointment at finding every one of his shirts chewed with no possibility of
handing them down to his younger brother.
Reducing Stimming

Unfortunately, there’s little you can do to stop stimming, though making the child aware
of a stim is a good first step.

Where possible, you can try to encourage your child towards less obvious stims, but be
careful. I know parents who just wanted their children to stop nail-biting and when a new
stim emerged it was far more obvious and dangerous. Sometimes you just have to
accept the small things.

The next time you see your child stimming, try to think about the senses that are being
used and the issues which need calming. It could be something that is on your child’s
mind or it could simply be that your music in another room is too loud.
Stimming is normal and we all do it. Perhaps we don’t do it to the same extent as people on the
autism spectrum but maybe that’s just because we’ve found other, “more civilised” ways to stim.
Listening to music, chewing gum, smoking, playing with our pens and tapping our fingers are all
forms of stimming and they help to make us feel calm.
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Teaching Your Special Needs Child to Swim
I’ve heard it said that it’s best to get your child into swimming lessons as early as possible. In
fact, age one was suggested within our mother’s group. As it turned out, this was poor advice
within our mostly dysfunctional (obsessed with appearances) group.
Initial Problems with Learning to Swim
I’m not saying that the time was entirely wasted, certainly the commitment to one hour per week
of holding the baby and learning silly songs did wonders for me as a new parent. The swimming
lessons however did nothing for my son. It’s not like we didn’t give it a good go either. We
continued the lessons for nearly three years until he was well and truly ready to start swimming
on his own–and that was when the problems really started.
First, there was massive separation anxiety from my son who had never been in the water with
anyone except me. Then there was the fact that there was a new teacher involved. At the time,
we didn’t know about Asperger’s syndrome or the well documented “resistance to change”.
It didn’t help that he was expected to wait on the step with other children while the instructor took
it in turns with his peers. His ADHD meant that being still was usually not an option and his lack
of social skills didn’t help him to relate to the other kids on the step either.
Furthermore, the environment presented a huge variety of sensory challenges and as it turned
out, his ears were particularly susceptible to infection which meant that he missed many more
classes than he attended.
The final problem was that he began to develop first an interest, then a fear of the pool’s filtration
outlets. The teacher had no time to spend on the problem and after a few weeks of him refusing
to get into the water at all, we dropped out.
Trying Again
Having gone through a similar tough experience with nappies (diapers), my wife and I decided to
put swimming lessons off for a year. It also helped that our son had been fitted with grommets
(ear tubes) to control his ear infections and he wasn’t allowed to get them wet. When we
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returned to the water, we allowed him the freedom to wade in pools and to ride on his “noodle”
but didn’t try to teach him anything despite strong temptation.
After a year, we took him to an entirely different swimming centre. It still brought back strong
memories for him but I think the change helped. We also engaged a “special needs friendly”
swimming instructor.
It was hard to see where our money was going at first, because the instructor spent a few
lessons simply talking to him from the side of the pool and then moved on to touring the pool
and pointing out features. She knew what she was doing though, and after a while he was able
to learn to swim without spending every moment thinking about filters–though he was still wary
of them.
We continued the lessons for a couple of years until we once again hit an impasse. It was
always “two steps forward and one step back”. It didn’t help that our instructor moved and we
had another take her place–a male this time. After some difficult lessons, particularly watching
the instructor trying (and failing) to establish trust with our son, we decided that we were running
the risk of upsetting our son’s swimming confidence. We felt that we’d learned enough about
special needs swimming and motivation to continue the lessons ourselves and pulled him out of
the classes.
The Third Attempt
Once again, we had a little break and then we started supervising “fun” in the pool instead of
swimming. He quickly learned that there was more fun to be had if you could use more of the
pool.
Eventually we put a pool in our own backyard and the rest, as they say, is history.
Lessons Learned
Swimming is a critical and life-saving skill which your children need to master. Unfortunately
there are many barriers to learning in special needs children.
There’s no pressing need to get your child into the water early. Good progress in early lessons
won’t necessarily mean that your child will learn to swim any sooner than their peers.
If you go down the wrong path, stop and wait 6-12 months before resuming. No child will learn
under traumatic conditions. If things haven’t gone too far, then a shorter break may be OK.
Get a qualified special needs instructor and make sure that the lessons are one-on-one.
Don’t be afraid to spend a good deal of time dealing with the sensory issues instead of actually
swimming. It seems wasteful, but it isn’t. Nothing which helps your child to relax in the water is
wasteful.
Keep a close eye out for sensory difficulties and deal with them before they become an issue.
If possible, use local facilities for fun (or put in a pool of your own).
Today, my son still isn’t the strongest swimmer but he knows enough to keep afloat and to build
on that knowledge in his school and scouting activities. The water is no longer a threat and in a
country like Australia which averages above 300 water-related deaths per year, that’s really the
most important thing.
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Recognizing Sensory Overload
Last week, I went to pick up some Chinese food at our local Chinese restaurant. While I was
there, I noticed a little girl, probably aged about six, standing next to the lobster tanks near the
door. She had her eyes tightly closed, her teeth were clenched and her hands were covering her
ears. I have no idea whether or not she had autism but clearly she was in a lot of sensory pain.
Unnoticed Sensory Pain
Of course, being a complete stranger, there was nothing I could do. Any interference on my part
would simply make matters worse. The last thing an over-stimulated child needs is an approach
from a total stranger, particularly a male one.
So, I looked around to see if I could see the girl’s family. Perhaps they were noticing and
perhaps there was going to be a happy ending after all, but sadly, everyone else at the
restaurant was engaged in animated conversation and was totally oblivious to the girl’s plight.
Increased Stimuli on the Senses
I picked up my order and left the restaurant as the rest of the night played out like a “train wreck”
in my head.
In about half an hour, the band would come on, exacerbating an already bad sensory situation.
With several senses already overloaded, the girl would be reluctant to engage more and would
probably withdraw even further into herself.
Note that although the main overload at the time I saw her was probably sound she had her
eyes closed too. This is clearly an attempt to reduce the assault on her other senses.
Consequences to Sensory Overload
How keen do you think this girl was going to be to try new foods with different textures and
tastes?
Not keen at all in this environment.
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Now, being a parent, I can relate to the other side too. It’s difficult when you rarely get out and
when you do, your kids make the night “hell” for you. Then there’s the cost of the uneaten food
and if you’re with company, you have to put up with some nasty stares and snide comments.
You dare not leave early because you know that you’ll become the next topic of conversation
and that your parenting skills will surely be called into question.
Back to the girl; I know how this night will pan out for her too. She won’t eat, won’t socialise and
will “ruin” her parent’s evening. In doing so, she’ll provoke their anger and later a punishment,
such as the temporary loss of a toy. At some time during the evening, there will be the strong
possibility of a meltdown.
Behind Sensory Overload
Look at her side of the story, she’s been taken to a place which causes her pain, is cajoled into
ordering something that she can’t possibly eat under the circumstances, and then punished
when she doesn’t eat. Even worse, the blame for the evening is likely to be put squarely upon
her shoulders – it’s enough to make anyone melt down.
Of course, this is all speculation, but I’ve seen it so many times before. It could all be avoided
too if her parents could learn to recognise the early signs of sensory overload and if they were
willing to give it the response it requires.
You know that if your child was in a lot of physical pain, you’d quit the restaurant immediately to
deal with it. Why is it so hard to accept that dealing with mental pain is just as important?
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Managing Expectations and Reactions During Visits and Gift
Exchange
There are several occasions when we are expected to give and receive gifts, with Christmas
being one of the most obvious. At these times, often parents and children are judged for their
“poor” child rearing skills or their child’s “unacceptable” reactions.
When a child visits a relative near a Christmas or birthday celebration, that child needs to sit still
and listen, show affection, avoid running around the person’s house, chasing animals, breaking
antiques and being noisy. They need to resist the urge to ask “where is my present?” and
indeed, even suppress any expectations of presents because in some cases, there won’t be
one.
When the child receives a present, they need to open and act both excited and grateful for the
contents… …even if they don’t like it, even if they’ve already received four of the same already
and even if it’s not entirely what they “ordered”.
It’s a lot to ask and most special needs children won’t manage even the simplest of these tasks,
let alone the complex “first reaction” display of emotions when opening a present. One way to
improve the odds however is to establish a few ground rules and “coach” them for the event.
Coaching and Preparing
1. Many special needs children respond well to rules, so perhaps a rule about “not running
in grandma’s house” or “not touching the trinkets” may help. Make sure that your child
knows that you’re approachable at any time for help but be sure to remind them about
interrupting. A good rule could be that your child should come and put their hand on
yours. That will be their signal that they need to talk. As a parent, you’ll have to make
your best excuses and respond quickly because a child isn’t going to be able to do this
without attention for very long. Reward good behaviour with a response.
2. Consider the surroundings ahead of time and think about ways that you can minimise
the sensory issues. For example, older houses may “smell funny” which could affect
sensitive noses. Going outside for a little play might help. Don’t forget that food will trip
your child up too and make sure that you give them good guidelines on how to dispose
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of unwanted food – taking it out with their hands and putting it on the side of the plate –
not bending over and spitting it out in front of everyone.
3. Boredom is another thing that you need to consider. I know that it’s unsociable to take a
child out only to have them play on their DS or iPhone all day. You want them to
socialise with the relatives but at the end of the day, if you bring along a distraction or
two, you’ll be able to enjoy yourself for longer. Don’t have them bring their DS. You bring
it, secretly. Keep it hidden until it becomes clear that it’s needed.
4. Finally, practice the present opening technique. In particular you need to teach your
child how to handle disappointment and how to put on a “brave face”. Make sure that
your child knows that you’ll “fix everything afterwards” by exchanging unwanted or
broken toys etc, but that no matter how hard they cry, nothing can be fixed on the day.
My mother taught me and my sister to say “Ohhh, just what I always wanted…” which
was a code-word for “Yuck, that’s awful!”. Unfortunately, over time we got so good at
making the phrase sound bad that it became embarrassing for her. If a toy is clearly
causing your child distress, remove it and give them something else to play with until
later.
Knowing When Enough is Enough
You might really want to see grandma but the fact is that your child may not be able to cope with
a long visit or a long day. As a parent, you need to be in tune with your child’s senses and know
when enough is enough and it’s time to leave. You can always visit again later. Don’t think of this
as “giving in to your child”, think of it as anticipating his needs. After all, the aim should be to get
out before a meltdown, not because of one.
Think about the day in general when planning. Is your Christmas one long party crawl from one
noisy relative’s house to another? Is there too much going on? Are you too far out of routine?
Are there appropriate sensory break areas in the houses you plan to visit?
Avoid trying to do everything on the one day. Keep your visits short and sweet and postpone
conflicting visits instead of rushing around madly trying to do everything and be everywhere at
once. If necessary, consider holding a Christmas or other celebration at your house so that
change is reduced and so that your child is comfortable retreating to a sensory break room when
he needs it.
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Emotional Interpretation of Children with Special Needs
Parents of children with special needs and particularly parents of children on the autism
spectrum, are often led to believe that their child has “no emotions or no empathy”.
Unfortunately, this is a stereotype based on the beliefs of unobservant people, and one which
has been perpetuated by the media in stories, fictitious films and articles.
Looking for Emotions
The real truth is that there is empathy, but that it isn’t displayed in the same way as “neurotypical
empathy”. In short, it’s there if you know how to look for it.
There’s an experiment which is frequently tried by the mothers of children with severe autism. It
involves pretending to be unconscious and watching to see if your child will call for help or at
least become upset. The usual reaction, in which the child helps themselves to a toy or food and
then sits by their side waiting for them to play is often more upsetting for the parent, who feels
unloved.
It can lead parents to think that the child doesn’t have emotions or that they simply don’t care for
your well-being.
Where to Look for Emotions
The best advice I can give is to stop judging in normal terms and to look more closely at what is
going on. Your child is giving nonverbal signals of love. Sure, they’re not panicking or running for
help, but equally, they’re not leaving your side. It’s an expression of love.
The same principles apply to empathy. People on the autism spectrum generally have difficulty
interpreting the mood or feelings of others, particularly those who are not on the spectrum.
Similarly, neurotypical (normal) people, have difficulty interpreting the feelings and signals of
people on the spectrum.
There is a lot of research which says that between 60 and 80% of all communication is
nonverbal, and I suspect that if we confined that research to only the communication of empathy
and emotion, that figure would be much higher. It’s clear then that the problems of interpretation
play a very important factor in the emotional bond between parents and children on the
spectrum.
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Improving Your Bond with Your Child

To improve this bond, parents of children on the autism spectrum need to work hard on
the verbal communication of their feelings. For example, instead of simply collapsing on
the lounge chair and expecting peace and quiet, you need to say “Mummy is feeling very
tired now and needs to be left alone until three o’clock”. It’s specific, but you’ve
communicated both your mood and your needs.

At the same time, parents need to work on the interpretation of their children’s actions.
Instead of simply judging actions (or inaction) on its own merits, ask yourself:
o
o
o
Did they understand my needs or my feelings?
Are they simply giving me what they would want if they were in the same mood
(alone-time for example)
Are they communicating any emotions in a different way to the way I would
expect.
Bridging this gap is the key to understanding and building relationships with your child.
Special-ism: Professional Blogs addressing the ISMs
of your children http://special-ism.com/
Gavin Bollard – The Special-ism Posts – Volume 1 and 2
Page 30 of 109
Make Shopping a More “Kid-Friendly” Experience for Special
Needs Children
One of the big news stories in Australia recently, was about a shopping centre which has
decided to “ban” badly behaved children. It’s a move which has parenting groups up in arms –
and quite rightly so too.
The shopping centre in question is making a common mistake. They’re assuming that there is a
connection between screaming children and “bad parenting”.
Their “knee-jerk” reaction to the complaints demonstrates yet another problem in today’s society;
a tendency to address unwanted behaviour by banning it instead of trying to treat the cause.
This is also the reason why our prisons, nursing homes and mental institutions are so full.
Wider Effects of Intolerance
So let’s take a moment to examine the wider effects of this act of intolerance.
All parents worry about their parenting capabilities, but special needs parents worry more than
most. Banning these parents from shopping centres doesn’t just add to the inconvenience, it
does untold damage to their self esteem. In particular, being asked to leave because of your
“noisy child” or worse, being escorted off the premises, demeans that parent in front of the whole
community.
In theory, this public shaming is supposed to strengthen a parent’s resolve to produce well
behaved kids, but it’s far more likely to result in the parents, consciously or otherwise taking it
out on their kids. At best, the parents will simply add the shopping centre to a growing list of
places where they are not welcome. It reminds me of the social injustices (atrocities) of the
1970s and proves that we still have a long way to go on the road to tolerance.
Positive Approaches
No matter what you do there will always be children whose behaviour does not conform to
“standards of normality”. While most children respond well to behavioural teaching, some do not.
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of your children http://special-ism.com/
Gavin Bollard – The Special-ism Posts – Volume 1 and 2
Page 31 of 109
Most grow out of bad behaviours, but again, not all do. The best that parents can do, is to do
their best.
One thing that clearly has been demonstrated time and time again is that negative approaches,
particularly shouting and violence do not teach good behaviour.
I see this shopping centre as yet another example of the negative approach being used.
Environmental and Social Factors
Assuming for a moment, that a child is generally well-behaved at home, we have to ask what it
is about shopping centres which drives children to such bad behaviour?
 Take a good look at your shopping centre.
 Is it full of flashing lights, neon signs and loud noises?
 Do the shops you visit like to play music so loud that you can’t hear yourself think?
 Does the air conditioning keep it feeling like the inside of a refrigerator?
 Are there glittery, mirrored surfaces everywhere? Smelly perfume counters?
 Crowds of people?
 Are the “break areas” for children appropriately stimulating in terms of equipment while
still being sensibly located away from the worst of the “bad sensory” areas?
Take a look at your child’s behaviour too.



Do they misbehave immediately?
Do you reward misbehaviour with attention, toys or sweets – anything to keep them
quiet?
Does bad behaviour bring its own reward in the form of “early release”, so they can go
home and play with their toys?
Watch out too for signs of over-stimulation. Does your child cover their eyes or ears while
shopping?
Planning Breaks
It’s not uncommon to see friends at the shops and want to spend time chatting but you need to
be aware that while this is a nice little break for you, it does nothing for your child. Instead of
stopping and chatting on the spot, why not agree to stop for a coffee near some child friendly
facilities in half an hour? That way, everyone gets a break.
How Shopping Centres Can Help
Banning does nothing to solve problems, it simply pushes the problem out of sight and allows it
to fester and grow. Shopping centres could do a whole lot more to resolve these issue by
keeping a careful watch on their sensory environment. After all, this affects adults too.
Placing child distractions in areas where children are often bored (the middle of ladies wear for
instance) will help as will reminder signs for tired parents to take their kids for a play-break once
every hour – more often for younger ones.
These are positive approaches to the problem which would benefit both the shoppers and the
storekeepers.
Special-ism: Professional Blogs addressing the ISMs
of your children http://special-ism.com/
Gavin Bollard – The Special-ism Posts – Volume 1 and 2
Page 32 of 109
Why We Need to Advocate Against Our Children’s Labels
One of the quieter moments in the much maligned Star Wars movie, The Phantom Menace, is
the first conversation between Padme and Anakin. Listening to him talking about his past, she
suddenly exclaims in shock, “You’re a slave?”, to which Anakin indignantly replies, “I’m a person
and my name is Anakin”.
That understated moment highlights two very important things about labels.
Firstly, that learning about someone’s label can drastically alter one’s perception of the individual
– it shouldn’t happen but clearly it does.
The second point is that those of us with labels often resent the baggage that comes with it and
seek acceptance as an individual, not as a “sufferer of…” or “a victim of…“.
Of course, those concepts are hopefully far less relevant to the notion of slavery today, but they
fit very neatly into today’s world of labelled children.
We all strive to exceed the limitations of our label and as we become older and more
experienced, we get to know our own capabilities and limitations better than anyone else.
Negotiating the label as an adult isn’t too hard, because we can control the exposure and the
expectations – who knows about it and what they think it means.
Labels and Children
The labels problem becomes much more difficult when it’s up to other people to make decisions
about our suitability for a task. This is usually a childhood issue.
People like parents, teachers, sports coaches, extra-curricular activities leaders and employers
make decisions about our capabilities all the time. Sometimes these are based on past
performance, for example keeping us out of a “tackle” football game based on our issues in
previous tackle football games. Sometimes it’s conjecture; assuming that we won’t like soccer
either, even though there is far less physical contact in that sport.
When I was in school, a sports teacher made some huge mistakes by judging my classmates on
appearance. There were two boys in particular who were ignored as candidates for the football
team; one because he was “fat” and the other because he was “short”. This was in the eighties
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of your children http://special-ism.com/
Gavin Bollard – The Special-ism Posts – Volume 1 and 2
Page 33 of 109
when teachers used to use those words in front of the entire class. He immediately put them in
as “reserves”, a school word for “people we don’t give sporting chances to”.
When they finally did get a chance to play, these two boys proved to be the best of our year
group. The big guy wasn’t much good at running in “tip” footy, but put him in a “tackle game” and
he was virtually unstoppable. The short boy surprised everyone too with his signature move of
diving between his opponents legs.
In my case, teachers saw that I had hearing aids and upon discovering I was deaf, they
automatically assumed I was dumb (ie: mentally challenged). Despite being an A+ student and
going to one of the best schools in my region, I would always start each year in “remedial”
classes with the kids who were struggling. After 3-6 weeks, I’d be moved back into the advanced
classes where I belonged, but then I’d have to catch up. Who knows how much three weeks per
year hurt my long-term grades?
You can see how judgmental teachers can be when using appearance as a guideline, but labels
are much worse.
Labels for Invisible Differences
Special needs kids are usually indistinguishable from their peers based on appearance, but
many teachers use the label instead, forgetting that there is always an individual behind the
label.
One of the major problems of using labels to describe invisible conditions is that people
automatically assume the worst. The words “attention deficit” automatically mean “can’t pay
attention” to most teachers, while “hyperactive” translates as “swings from the ceiling”. Autism
too conjures up the worst of Hollywood’s imaginings on the subject.
Of course, we can’t simply get rid of those labels because we need them for funding and
support, and as many adults on the spectrum will tell you, the label helps them to understand
and accept themselves.
The labels have to stay but they don’t have to define us.
This is why it’s our job as parents and advocates to constantly promote the individual above the
label and to teach our kids to rise up against the limitations that others put on them.
Some Ways to Promote the Individual
We all read things on the Internet that we don’t agree with, but sadly most of us simply pass by
those sites without commenting. If you find a site on which someone says something that is
clearly wrong, for example, that people with autism do not have emotions, then comment (nicely)
and let them know that this is not the case. There’s no need to pick fights, but there is a need to
ensure that your voice is heard.
The same goes for teachers in IEP meetings. Never ever allow the word “autistics” to be used as
a general phrase. Make sure that they’re talking about your child by name. Remind them, if need
be, that your child is an individual and that “when you’ve met one child on the spectrum, you’ve
met ONE child on the spectrum“.
Finally, when the time comes to discuss the label with your child, make sure that you’re clear
that the label is just an easy way of describing things. Point out children with blonde hair, for
example, and say that the label is like saying they’re blonde. It doesn’t say everything about
them… in fact, it doesn’t even say everything about their hair, doesn’t account for different styles
or shades – or the fact that hair can be dyed.
Special-ism: Professional Blogs addressing the ISMs
of your children http://special-ism.com/
Gavin Bollard – The Special-ism Posts – Volume 1 and 2
Page 34 of 109
Summary
One day your child will become their own advocate and when that day comes, they need to
remember to spread the word that they are so much more than just a label. It eases description,
but it doesn’t define them.
Special-ism: Professional Blogs addressing the ISMs
of your children http://special-ism.com/
Gavin Bollard – The Special-ism Posts – Volume 1 and 2
Page 35 of 109
How Can Scouting Help Children with Special Needs?
If you’re like I was and have never been involved with scouting, you probably have the
impression that scouting is all about camping and testosterone and that there is absolutely no
place for children with special needs.
I’m here to tell you that this view is completely wrong, that scouting lays much of the crucial
groundwork for life skills and that in many respects, it’s probably far more important than school
for kids with invisible special needs such as autism, Asperger’s Syndrome, ADHD and general
social difficulties.
I didn’t arrive at this conclusion on my own and to be honest, never having been involved as a
child, I initially had more than a little bias against the scouts. It’s watching my own kids progress
and watching their self-esteem and life skills improve that has changed my mind. In fact, I’ve
been so impressed by scouting that I became a parent helper, then a leader and finally, the
section leader (of cubs) in our local group.
Since then, I’ve had the opportunity to help lots of children both with and without special needs
through the system. I’m pleased to be doing my bit to help kids pick up the life skills that
parenting alone cannot teach and I’m always surprised by how far they progress in such a short
time.
Choosing a Group
Choosing a scout group is almost as important as choosing a school – except that it’s usually
much easier to transfer if you need to. Nevertheless, as with schools, the following rules apply:
1. The Attitude of the highest authority dictates everything.
Just as a less effective or disinterested principal can make a school less suitable for kids with
special needs, so too can a less effective group leader. The group leader is often your first
contact with a scout group. They may be cautious about a new special need but they need to
also be accepting.
2. Your Child’s direct teachers are directly responsible for your child’s inclusion and
happiness.
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of your children http://special-ism.com/
Gavin Bollard – The Special-ism Posts – Volume 1 and 2
Page 36 of 109
Scouts is a bit like a giant playground with guidance and supervision. Your child will often have
two or three leaders who all work in one section. Not all of these leaders will understand your
child’s special needs and not all will be able to relate to them, but usually at least one will. Your
child should form enough of a bond with a leader to feel that he can talk to him. This is
especially important in case bullying or exclusion occurs. If there’s no leader with whom your
child can identify, then you’re in the wrong group. Don’t give up on scouts though – either
“become” that leader yourself or find a group that works better for you.
3. Disclosure is critical
Withholding information about your child’s “invisible” special needs isn’t doing anyone any
favours and indeed may even seriously impact your child’s performance within the group.
Unlike schools, scouts doesn’t have “individualised education plans” (IEP‘s) and yet their
programme which focuses on “doing your best” is far better tailored for individual needs and
abilities than anything that even the best schools can offer. Of course, the leaders can’t
accommodate needs that they don’t know about, so if you don’t disclose, you are doing your
child harm.
If all else fails and you just can’t seem to find a suitable group, remember that scouts have a
special needs unit which can put you in touch with a suitable group. You should also feel free to
talk to the special needs leaders about issues within your own group as often they can help
teach local leaders the skills they need for particular children and circumstances.
How Exactly does Scouts Develop Critical Skills?
One of the most critical components of the scouting movement is the credo “do your best”. It’s all
about doing your personal best. It recognises that some people have more developed skills
than others while simply encouraging everyone to try as hard as they can. Scouts isn’t about
trying and failing, it’s about supporting your peers as they do their very best.
As kids progress through scouts, they are given greater and greater amounts of independence
from the adult leaders while still retaining a leadership structure within the ranks. For this reason,
it’s quite important that your child starts scouts as young as possible. In the earliest years, the
adult leaders are fully in control and they take the scouts through a programme which consists of
cooking, general knowledge, safety skills and games. By about age eight or nine, the cubs level
of scouting is taking the kids through in-depth life skills such as first aid, housework, looking after
pets, camping and bush craft as well as fun skills like photography, computing, collecting, art,
acting and science. There’s also some emphasis on physical education and sports such as
swimming and athletics but because cubs are simply encouraged to do their best and beat their
own scores, it never becomes overly competitive.
Cub scouts are encouraged to take more of a leadership role. Leaders are chosen from their
ranks on the basis of aptitude and experience. They are also sent off to specific “leader training
courses” in which adult leaders put them in unexpected situations and prompt them to figure out
the best way to resolve them. Often, assigning leadership roles to special needs cubs who
would never be given a chance on the school playground makes a huge difference to their social
skills and self-esteem. Youth leaders suggest games, resolve minor problems within their group
and help the struggling members of their group to complete specific challenges.
In the years after cub scouting (after age 11), the youth leaders take a far more active role and
increasingly they design and run the programme according to a general curriculum. Youth
members can stay in the scouting movement up to the age of 24 by which time repeated
exposure to general life skills will have overcome many of the weaknesses of their special needs
and prepared them to face the world as capable and skilled individuals.
Special-ism: Professional Blogs addressing the ISMs
of your children http://special-ism.com/
Gavin Bollard – The Special-ism Posts – Volume 1 and 2
There’s no doubt about it, scouting makes a huge difference.
Special-ism: Professional Blogs addressing the ISMs
of your children http://special-ism.com/
Page 37 of 109
Gavin Bollard – The Special-ism Posts – Volume 1 and 2
Page 38 of 109
Kids with Isms Can Benefit by Using Lists
My world is full of lists. I have them on my walls and whiteboards at work, on papers at home
and scattered through synchronized computer systems, including my mobile phone, computer,
iPad, print outs. My lists are everywhere.
Lists serve many functions. They help us to plan and prioritize our tasks and our day. They help
us to allocate time, resources, responsibility and dependencies to tasks and they help us to build
a sense of achievement. At a baser level, many people on the autism spectrum derive enormous
pleasure from lists and categorization.
The Pleasure of Lists
This probably seems strange to the neurotypical mind but lists have been a part of my life for as
long as I can remember. In fact, lists were a huge part of my daily life long before words and
writing.
I’m sure that most parents of children with autism have witnessed their child lining up their toys
time and time again, often in the same pattern but sometimes differently too. Probably it hasn’t
occurred to you that this behavior is simply list-making and categorization without words, but it
is. I remember doing this as a child and lining my cars up in order of favorites or colors. I also
remember categorizing cars, buses and trucks into different rows.
That’s right. Children on the autism spectrum are born list-makers and it feels good. List-making
is a form of stimming and for us, it scratches an itch.
Even now, I keep constant non-work, lists simply for pleasure. For example, I have all of my
DVD collection cataloged in extreme detail in a replicated database which I get great pleasure
from updating. My database includes information on the various aspect ratios of the films and
their language and subtitle streams even though I only speak English. In fact, given that I have
nearly 500 films in this list that I have yet to watch, it’s a fair point that the list itself is probably
more important to me than actual items themselves.
Special-ism: Professional Blogs addressing the ISMs
of your children http://special-ism.com/
Gavin Bollard – The Special-ism Posts – Volume 1 and 2
Page 39 of 109
The Value of Using Lists
I’ve always used lists in my life for my own collections and I can still recall using an old typewriter
in my single-digit years to build a catalog of all of my books. Strangely enough, I never thought
about using lists in school or university. I didn’t realize how helpful they would be. In my working
life, I’ve struggled for years to find ways to organize myself and after twenty years of failed
calendars and “organizers” it has come down, once again, to simple lists.
Funnily enough, I noticed recently that my wife has been using lists–not for herself but for the
things she needs me to do. It turns out that after all these years of marriage, she has also found
that lists are the most effective tool to engage me on.
I only wish that I’d started using lists to manage my tasks much sooner, for example, in my
school days.
This brings me neatly to the point of the article. If you notice that your kids with isms are using
list-like behavior then please teach them the value of using lists for school work, for chores and
for everyday life in general. Make lists of the things they need to do to get ready for school and
teach them how to check off those items as they complete them. Even if your kids are not
currently displaying list-like behaviors but they are having difficulty with organization, lists may be
the answer.
This will not only keep your kids on track but it will also help to foster a sense of achievement as
they complete everything on their list.
Tools for Lists
In this day and age, technology has made the paper list largely redundant though they are still
very effective “on the spot” list makers. I’ve found that whiteboards work very well for me at work
but that I need to have different colored pens in order to properly categorize things in my list. I
also need to be able to take my whiteboard down regularly and lay it on a chair or table to write
or rewrite my list (so a whiteboard fixed to a wall is not necessarily a great idea).
On the computer front, there are a few tools that I have found to be invaluable for list making.
The first is a text editor (like Notepad). Personally, I use Notepad ++ because among other
amazing features, it allows me to keep many separate lists on different tabs open at once. Plus
of course, it’s free.
On my iPhone, I use PlainText, another free app which allows me to keep multiple lists without
worrying about formatting. It synchronizes via dropbox which means that my lists automatically
update across my various computing devices.
Finally, there’s the king of the list products: Wunderlist. This is an amazing web-based product
which runs on the iPhone and android as well as in browsers. It’s free too. The beauty of
Wunderlist is that it allows you to easily tick off things that you have completed. It also has
alarms too. Of course, I don’t think that it really matters what product you use provided that you
can easily and quickly make a list without being forced into putting dates and categories.
Whatever works is fine, after all, the list is far more important than the tool.
Special-ism: Professional Blogs addressing the ISMs
of your children http://special-ism.com/
Gavin Bollard – The Special-ism Posts – Volume 1 and 2
Page 40 of 109
Displaying Confidence in Your Special Needs Child
There’s a problem in special needs education which I refer to as “the remedial effect”. It is a
form of mostly unintentional discrimination which occurs when schools underestimate special
needs students and automatically put them into remedial classes. As a child, it happened to me
quite regularly even though I’d protest; “I’m deaf, I’m not dumb.”
Here’s the clincher though. It’s not just a problem for school. It’s a big problem at home too.
All Eyes on Your Child
One of the great things about having a school system (versus homeschooling) is that there are
many more pairs of eyes watching your child. On the one hand this can be a problem because
any of those teachers can start up a new “remedial effect” but on the other hand, there is a good
chance that your child will find appropriate champions from amongst a larger group who will help
them to achieve their potential. Home schooling is far more likely to have an “instant champion”
in the form of a parent but even then, without all those other sets of eyes, it may become too
easy to reduce the hurdles of education rather than encouraging our kids to try harder.
Allowing Your Child to Gain Independence
Of course, each style of education has pros and cons which we could debate endlessly but this
article isn’t about school. It’s about having the confidence in your children to allow them to be
independent.
As I write this, my eleven year old has just come home from a four day scout camp. Sure, he
didn’t bring everything home but he seems to have gotten most of it. More importantly however,
he clearly had a good time. Doing these things by himself has given him a giant confidence
boost.
Learning to Let Go
One of the problems we have as parents of special needs children, is that we have difficulty
letting go. We’ve seen our child hurt by bullies and by their own failings before and we strive to
protect them from further disappointment. In doing this, we underestimate our children’s ability to
cope and we deny them the chance to develop life skills.
Special-ism: Professional Blogs addressing the ISMs
of your children http://special-ism.com/
Gavin Bollard – The Special-ism Posts – Volume 1 and 2
Page 41 of 109
Suggestions to Build Confidence
We display this lack of confidence in our children whenever we decide that they wouldn’t be
capable of catching the bus to school, they can’t make their own breakfast because they spill it
and they can’t take themselves down to the park because they’d have to cross a quiet street.
Even worse, we cement our dissatisfaction when we remake their already made but messy
beds, tell them that they can’t pour their own drinks because they spill them, or spy on them
when they’re doing things by themselves because we’re not willing to trust them.
Here are two suggestions to help build your child’s confidence:

Our children’s self esteem and confidence is closely linked to the confidence and trust
that we show them.

Let’s not be remedial parents. It is far better to overestimate and provide support than to
underestimate and encourage self-doubting behaviour.
Special-ism: Professional Blogs addressing the ISMs
of your children http://special-ism.com/
Gavin Bollard – The Special-ism Posts – Volume 1 and 2
Page 42 of 109
Navigating the Nightmare of Special Needs School Lunches
One of the things that I hate the most about the end of school term is digging out the old mouldy
sandwiches from my son’s school bag. Recently however, things have gotten much worse. He
started complaining to me that his bag was very heavy and after giving it a moment of thought I
decided to investigate.
Now, I’ll be the first to admit that with everything going on in a very tough year for my family,
we’ve been a little remiss in checking his bag. Asking him to bring various items, such as
homework diaries to us rather than searching for them ourselves, but what I found in his bag
was shocking, to say the least.
Uneaten Lunches
There were more than fifteen complete school lunches in his bag. Yep, that’s 15 tetra pack fruit
juice drinks, one or two of which were now leaky, 15 sets of stinky mouldy sandwiches, 15
muesli bars, fruit chews or other recess items. There wasn’t 15 pieces of fruit though, just one
smelly, mushy pile at the bottom of his bag. It had me gagging. No wonder his bag was heavy.
The things I expected to see–like school work and lunch boxes–were nowhere to be found.
Instead, my son was spending his day carrying around a sack full of garbage, and his iPad.
He’s twelve, so I thought I should have been able to expect a little more independence from him
but clearly this was not the case even though his younger, by three years, brother seemed to be
coping mostly fine. Such is the world of special needs, where things like distractability and
texture issues can quickly hijack a lunchtime agenda.
I spent some time talking to my boys about the issue but really, I’m not one to talk. I barely ate
any of my mother’s carefully prepared lunches in primary (elementary) school and I swore off
lunches altogether from years seven to twelve. As I related my memories of sitting on the school
balcony in a position with the bin one floor directly below me–so I could drop my unwanted lunch
into it–I suddenly realised that no matter what I did, I would never be able to get my kids to eat
their lunches if they didn’t want to.
Special-ism: Professional Blogs addressing the ISMs
of your children http://special-ism.com/
Gavin Bollard – The Special-ism Posts – Volume 1 and 2
Page 43 of 109
Changing the Contents of School Lunches
I decided to instigate some drastic and not necessarily healthy changes.
 First of all, sandwiches were out. There are way too many competing textures in
sandwiches and far too many things that can go wrong.

I decided that my boys would only get food that wouldn’t go off and that could handle
being squashed.

We’d get over the fibre issues by having bread and fruit readily available for the kids
when they got home from school. There was certainly no way I was ever going to let
them take a pear to school again.
So, at the beginning of the week, I packed ten plastic bags (two kids for five schooldays) with:
1 Fruit juice carton
1 package of kiddie biscuits
2 different bars**
1 stringy fruit “lolly” (supposedly healthy but I doubt it)
** Initially I tried muesli bars, then sugary cereal bars and, when everything else kept coming
home, I switched to cake-ish bars with mild success and then finally to “space food sticks” with
complete success.
Changing Your Lunch Routine
My routine changed too.
Every morning, I’d go through the kids bags and remove the previous days lunch.
There was no need for lunch boxes because everything was “crush tolerant” and in any case, my
eldest had already lost three so far this year.
Any uneaten food would safely keep for a long time and could be reused if I ran out of prepackaged bags.
Pre-packing at the beginning of the week also proved to be a massive time saver.
Sure, it’s not 100% healthy but it is getting eaten, the kids are happy and our daily wastage has
dropped significantly.
Special-ism: Professional Blogs addressing the ISMs
of your children http://special-ism.com/
Gavin Bollard – The Special-ism Posts – Volume 1 and 2
Page 44 of 109
Reducing Computer Overuse Problems in Kids with Special
Needs
It’s a fact, the computing use of our children is going to far exceed our own. Computers are
being given to children at younger ages than ever and unless you’re living in the Amish
community, you’re going to find yourself using computing devices almost constantly in the form
of phones, automated teller machines, games, pad devices and even everyday devices such as
cooking utensils, refrigerators and washing machines.
The Downside of Computer Usage
Does it matter, you ask? Yes, of course it matters. Computing brings with it a whole host of
health problems including those related to eyesight, posture and fine motor skills. Where the
kids of the past balanced those issues with a healthy doses of outdoor life, today’s kids are far
more likely to spend their whole time inside hopping from PC to XBox to iPad and their
smartphones.
There are mental risks too with experts warning that the abundant availability of technology is
removing our brain’s natural downtime. Consider this; in the past you would have coped with a
long wait in a queue by thinking about the unsolved problems of the day, processing your
feelings or, if you were really tired, simply zoning out. Today’s queue time is far more likely to be
taken up by email, Facebook or Candy Crush, leaving your brain with absolutely no time to rest.
How Computers May Affect Kids with Special Needs
You might think that these issues will impact all kids equally but that’s not necessarily the case.
Children with special needs seem to spend far more time on computers due to their obsessions
and their social isolation and they are often far more easily damaged due to low muscle tone, a
common problem for special needs kids. The problems of mental fatigue are also more likely to
become an issue as many children with special needs turn to computing as a means of winding
down from social anxiety but instead find themselves drawn into detailed worlds, such as
Minecraft which while calming, generally engage the brain on levels which interferes with rest.
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Restricting the Number of “Computer Hours”
So, what can you do to combat this problem? At first it might seem that restricting computer time
could help. Certainly adjusting the computer/life balance makes a little difference and in the case
of my kids, this has occurred by including scouting in our lives. Unfortunately there is very little
that you can do to restrict the number of “computer hours” because your kids are already so far
over the limit that taking just a few away is unlikely to make any difference. I spent less than
twenty years on computers in much lighter use scenarios than the average person today, before
succumbing to an “overuse condition” which has caused discomfort ever since. Even then, my
usage started when I was 17, well beyond my childhood years.
Tips for Combating the Effects of Overuse
Given that there is little that we can do to reduce computer time down to reasonable levels, we
need to concentrate instead on combating the effects of overuse.

To do this, we need to educate our children about the problem. This means teaching our
kids to take regular breaks of 5 to 10 minutes every hour and to do stretching and relief
exercises during those breaks.

We also need to provide our children with alternative input devices. The best of these is
arguably ” Dragon Simply Speaking” a voice dictation application.
Unfortunately as parents of special needs children, this is not the easiest task . Another of the
gifts that special needs children, particularly those with autism, often have is ” hyperfocus”, the
ability to concentrate on specific tasks or subjects in incredible detail to the exclusion of
everything else. It’s a gift because it often allows breakthroughs to be made but it’s a problem
too because it can cause people to spend many hours at the computer oblivious to hunger or the
pain of improper posture. It can cause a lot of damage.
For this reason, it’s not enough to simply educate our children about posture, ergonomics and
break management.
We have to enforce those breaks too. Fortunately there are many applications which are
available for computers today which will pop up reminders when certain character or time limits
are reached. Many are free (Wallen, Jack) but the more expensive versions of these
applications even suggest appropriate exercises.
Summary
In the end though, it’s entirely up to your child. If they keep “managing” their overuse condition,
then perhaps they can lessen the impact or even avoid it altogether . If they choose to ignore the
warnings it can become a problem that will follow them throughout their working life and perhaps
even end their career. It’s best to choose to work smarter, not harder.
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Taking Things Literally – An Issue that Matters
One of the big problems of parenting self-help books, particularly those which focus on
raising children with special needs, is over simplification. Sure, I get that these books are
trying to reach a mass audience who struggle with some of these “new” concepts but even
so, there’s a big difference between using trite information for examples and using real
world information which shows that a given feature has an impact.
One of my pet peeves is the way in which these books describe “taking things literally”, a
trait common to Asperger’s, Autism among other isms. The example used in the books is
almost invariably;
“It’s raining cats and dogs outside”
To which our child with autism will react by running outside to see if they can spot any feline or
canine companions in descent. This is a cute example. It doesn’t hurt anyone and at worst,
everyone is going to have a laugh at the child’s expense.
In reality, this doesn’t happen often because either the phrase is first heard in the comfort of
home, free from the eyes of bullies – or it is recognized as a scientific impossibility and is readily
detected by the child on the spectrum as being a “trite phrase”.
More importantly though, this over-used example convinces parents that taking things literally is
simply “cute” behavior which is peculiar to the child but warrants no special attention – and that’s
where the problems start.
Here’s a somewhat different example, which really happened.
A few months ago my family took a trip to Hawaii. For various reasons, we left a few weeks
before the school holidays (summer vacation) and returned just as they were about to start. The
kids had one or two days of school to attend and then the holidays began.
After the summer holiday, when all of the kids returned to school, the usual writing tasks were
set. My eldest son, who is often quite lazy with writing tasks apparently got into quite a bit of
trouble. Of course, given the problems we face with communication (he doesn’t give us
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his homework diary to sign – and it’s usually so nasty fishing anything out of his school bag that
we try not to go there). We had no knowledge of the problem relating to his writing tasks.
It wasn’t until very recently when my wife attended a school meeting that the teachers brought
the problem to her attention. They asked, “did K go to the beach or do swimming in Hawaii?” My
wife answered “yes, of course we did, we went to the beach and to the Pearl Harbor memorial
and to many other places as well”.
The teachers replied to my wife that our son said he did nothing. They had asked him to write
what he did during the school holidays and he wrote nothing. They agreed with my wife, he
hates writing and will do anything to get out of it. My wife responded “We’ll see about that.
Wait until I get home!“.
On arriving home, my wife questioned my son about the issue. As my wife asked our son why
he didn’t write about Hawaii, a puzzled look came over his face. Finally he asked tentatively, “did
we go to Hawaii during the school holidays?” She was about to respond with a loud “yes!” when
she suddenly realized…
We actually didn’t. We went before the holidays. Furthermore, she had said to the boys, “don’t
expect to be doing anything during the school holidays because we’ve just done an expensive
trip to Hawaii”.
Clearly, during the school holidays, we had indeed, done “nothing”.
It dawned on her that our son had been in trouble on all sides for taking things literally. He
wasn’t trying to get out of work, he was simply being honest and was being punished for it.
A few hasty explanations later and we had happy teachers and a happy boy.
This more detailed example is one that parenting self-help books should be using to best
exemplify the concept of taking things literally. Taking things literally isn’t just something to be
laughed at. It has real-world impact and in the wrong situations, such as those involving the
police, there could be violent or legal repercussions.
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From Fish to Dogs – Selecting a Therapeutic Pet
I know a lot of parents of children with various isms who refuse to get a pet because they’re
worried that their child will harm it or that it will take too much effort to care for a pet.
Unenlightened, they seem to feel that pets could be a bad thing. Pets are one of the best forms
of therapy and support that a child with isms can have – let me enlighten you. As a general rule,
the more interactive the pet, the better. There’s a bit of a scale per se – fish are the least
interactive while dogs are the most interactive with other pet options in between.
Fish – Visually Calming
If your child really can’t handle pets at all, then fish are a good choice. You’ll find that if you go
somewhere with a large fish tank such as a doctor’s waiting room or a restaurant, your child may
be “glued” to the glass watching the fish move about. Gazing upon swimming fish has a very
calming effect.
In my opinion, caring for fish is not maintenance free. The downside is that the tanks need
regular cleaning and the aquarium plus accessories have a lot of up-front costs. If you do go the
fish route, consider a larger self-supporting tank with a lid to reduce the risk of your child pushing
it over or putting undesirable objects in the tank. If your child has frequent meltdowns which
involve throwing heavy objects inside the house, then fish aren’t a good idea. Keep in mind, fish
tend to die easily which can cause a bit of trauma for children. If you’re really unsure about fish,
a fish screen saver will do just as well with smaller children.
Dogs – Man’s Best Friend
I can’t stress enough how valuable and suitable dogs are as pets. Children with various isms
often find that friendships are difficult to maintain because of their social challenges. Saying the
wrong thing at the wrong time can destroy a relationship. Dogs, however, do not care if you tell
them that they smell funny. They don’t care if your sense of fashion is poor, if you have bad
habits or constantly rock. Dogs are extremely loyal and can become your child’s best friend, a
friendship that will last for years, bringing a great deal of peace and stability to your child’s life.
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If your child is energetic and will be able to play quite a bit with your dog and take it for walks,
then I’d suggest a bigger dog, like a Labrador or a Collie. These dogs are full of energy and are
very playful.
Larger breeds offer certain benefits which a smaller dog simply can’t. I can remember as a child
having a bad day, I’d sit on the steps and cry, or simply hang my head. My dog used to come
and sit next to me and because of his size, I could put my arm around him and hug him. It
calmed me down quite a bit. My dog was my constant companion from the age of four to
twenty-two.
Service & Therapy Dogs
You may not know this but service dogs exist for people with autism. They’re not just for the
blind. Autism service dogs can keep a “runner” from bolting. If your child has a tendency to run
off in public places, having his dog on a leash will decrease the likelihood of running off. If your
child is overwhelmed and having a meltdown, some autism service dogs are trained to sit or lie
on your child. This gives your child a little pressure, like a weighted blanket and can help them to
regain control. Autism service dogs can be trained to do all sorts of other things too, like
preventing your child from eating the wrong things, redirecting harmful or undesirable selfstimming behaviour and assisting with balance and disorientation issues. If you’re looking for a
service dog, a good place to start is Paws with a Cause. If you need a smaller dog, they’ll be
able to recommend one which is suitable.
Other Pets
There are plenty of other pets which can be kept in smaller houses including birds, rabbits, mice,
rats, gerbils and guinea pigs. While these animals are by no means service animals and you
can’t wrap your arms around them, they can still provide plenty of redirection and calming input.
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Guinea pigs are especially good as they don’t move about much, can be very cuddly and are
relatively low maintenance.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.” – Terry Pratchett
I’ve purposely left cats out. It’s not that cat’s can’t make good pets, rather cats by nature are
more of a loner type animal and aren’t always suitable for cuddling. Cats also seem to trip more
allergy problems than most other types of pets because of their grooming techniques. Finally,
cats are too well equipped when it comes to defensive measures and can do quite a bit of
damage with their teeth and claws.
Similarly, I’ve left out reptilian and amphibious pets (snakes, lizards, turtles and frogs) as they
often require a license and aren’t really a “playful” type of pet. With just a little extra effort, a pet
offers incredible benefits to children with isms.
Whether you are seeking a loyal best friend who does not care about social mishaps or
something soft and cuddly to offer tactile sensory input, pets offer tremendous therapeutic value.
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Detect and Deal with Anxiety
Anxiety is broadly defined as; “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with
an uncertain outcome”. It’s a good definition of the feeling but it really doesn’t begin to explain
the reasons why anxiety has such a big impact on the lives of children and adults who suffer the
effects, nor does it explain how prevalent the isms of anxiety as a co-morbidity with other
disorders.
Despite the fact that anxiety is not part of the diagnostic criteria for autism spectrum disorders
(including Asperger’s syndrome), I believe that it’s present and has a significant impact in nearly
all cases. I’d venture to say that in all my interactions with adults and children on the spectrum, I
have never yet met anyone who did not show signs of anxiety. Too often though anxiety is not
recognized for what it is and is left untreated.
The Impact of Anxiety
When left untreated, anxiety causes significant real-world problems in many areas of life. It can
impact a person’s ability to function on a day to day level and can significantly boost the negative
effects of other co-conditions, such as depression, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), social
anxiety disorder (SAD), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), generalized anxiety disorder
(GAD) and panic disorder. Increased anxiety can worsen negative outbursts, meltdowns and
reactions to authority figures, which can result in suspensions, expulsions, arrests and general
violence. See Invisible Anxiety: Hiding in the Classroom
Detecting Anxiety
I could probably go on all day about the different ways in which anxiety manifests itself in adults
and children. Instead, I have chosen just a few examples, not all of which are obvious. Anxiety is
everywhere and as a parent, you need to be aware of your child’s normal reactions and be on
the lookout for unusually strong ones which could suggest anxiety.
In babies and small children, anxiety often manifests as clingyness, called “separation anxiety”.
This is typically seen when mothers meet for “mother’s group” meetings and expect their
children to play together. Instead, the anxious child will not leave its mother’s side, often clinging
to her leg as she talks with other adults. The infant may bury their face in their mother’s chest to
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avoid looking at others. Infants with anxiety issues will often cry to the point where they have
difficulty breathing, particularly if a parent leaves the room. It’s important to understand that
infants have no concept of “object permanence” at these young ages and that a child with an
“ism” may take longer to develop this understanding.
What is object permanence? It’s the idea that an object stays where it is left, even when you
leave the room. For example, a very young child with no concept of object permanence will not
consider that a favorite toy is still in another room where they left it. If it’s not visible, then it’s
gone. Once you understand this, it’s fairly easy to understand why some children cry as if you’ve
left the country whenever you leave the room.
Infants and children all the way up to adulthood with anxiety may suffer from sleep isms too.
Open and Closed Spaces
In older children and adults, anxiety is often seen as problems handling enclosed spaces. Many
children cannot sleep without their bedroom door being open. Most of the time this is simply a
child wanting to keep their parents close but sometimes it’s a sign of anxiety. Some people have
the opposite type of anxiety and will panic when taken to open spaces, such a large and busy
shopping centres.
Social and Confrontational
Most children show a little anxiety when talking to adults they don’t know but only a few display
signs of anxiety with every interaction – even interactions with adults and children whom they
know very well. Sometimes even adults can handle normal interactions with most people but will
show significant anxiety with someone whose body language seems confrontational.
OCD
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder can be both the result of anxiety and a contributor to anxiety.
For example, a friend of mine with OCD developed an issue with a high water mark in their toilet
bowl. It wasn’t an overflow, just a high water mark and it only happened once. This resulted in a
“fear” of flushing which meant that once the toilet has been flushed, he had to wait until all
noises (including refilling) has stopped. Then he waits a little longer just to be sure. If he is
already late for an appointment, particularly if someone is urging him to leave, the anxiety can
become overwhelming. Every little household incident adds to the OCD cycle which in turn adds
to anxiety – it’s a self-perpetuating problem.
Object (including Food) Related
Adults and children can also develop anxiety over objects and food. In my own deep past, there
is a long forgotten reason why I dislike sultanas. I started off being unable to eat cakes or
biscuits containing them. Presently, I can’t stand the smell of them, I can’t eat foods that have
been stored in the same container with them or that have sat in close proximity to them. In fact, I
can’t look at them – not even at a picture of them. It makes my skin crawl. I have difficulty with
red wines because the taste is too close. Even when foods, such as scones or Christmas cakes
are cooked without them, I can sometimes have trouble eating them simply because they’re
foods which are “designed” to carry them.
Luckily, I’m an adult and I have enough control over my life to ensure that I can walk through it
more or less sultana free. Children on the other hand are often “force fed” such foods by their
parents who simply think that they have an issue with the taste or that they are refusing to “just
try” a particular food. Parents are often oblivious to the stress and anxiety that this puts on their
children.
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Dealing with Anxiety
Confrontational Exposure Therapy – Some anxiety can be dealt with using simple therapy.
Some therapies, such as Confrontational Exposure Therapies might be fine for adults but in my
personal opinion, they are not always suitable for children. One of my friends helped me to cure
a more or less lifelong fear of spiders which lead to unreasonable reactions whenever there was
a spider in the vicinity. He did this by placing plastic spiders everywhere whenever he visited my
house. After a couple of years of completely baseless and heart-stopping frights, I had an
encounter with a real spider which I had thought was one of his plastic ones. To my surprise, I
was able to release it outside. From that day onward, I’ve had normal reactions around spiders.
It was a technique that worked well against my phobia and consequent anxiety but I think that if
the same technique was used with a child, it would worsen the problem considerably.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy – Another major type of anxiety-reducing therapy is Cognitive
Behavioral Therapy. This therapy uses the mind to overcome anxiety. As part of this therapy,
you’re encouraged to think about your negative expectations, challenge them and then replace
them with more realistic ones. The therapy uses deep thought and knowledge of oneself to
adjust your behavior. It’s a fairly in-depth form of therapy which is not useful for sudden
encounters with anxiety. In my opinion, it is not the kind of therapy that can be used with a small
child, particularly one with special needs who has less developed thought processes. However,
there are child psychologists trained to use cognitive behavioral therapy with children.
Medication – There are a number of medications which can be used to deal with anxiety. Many
of these have significant side-effects, so you need to read up on them before using them. If
you’re using these medications with young children, make sure that your recommending
physician has experience with prescribing that particular medication to children of similar ages.
Don’t simply accept the prescription but ask lots of questions. In particular, ask what changes
you should expect, how soon you should expect them and how quickly the medication will enter
your child’s system. You should also find out whether or not you need to “taper off” the
medication if you decide to discontinue.
You’ll need to inform your child’s school that he or she is on the medication but you might also
suggest that they limit their disclosure to other teachers so that their feedback can be assessed
without any preconceived notions.
In small children, medication may be the best way to control anxiety until they develop the
cognitive skills to use more advanced therapies.
Regardless of the method you choose, dealing with anxiety is a critical step in helping children
with various isms to deal with the world around them.
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Discipline Tips for Age 10 and Up
Regardless of whether you are a believer in spanking and shouting or if you use tried and
proven alternatives like time-out or food/toy bribery, there comes a time, usually not long after
your child’s tenth birthday when most of the methods that worked with your toddler have lost
their effectiveness.
Depending upon your methods and your child’s individual differences, this could happen sooner
or later but the rule for violent discipline (spanking) is pretty clear. As soon as your child
approaches (not reaches) a point where they could hurt other people by mimicking your
behaviour, you need to stop teaching them that this is ok.
So, now that you’ve got an unruly ten year old with isms on your hands and you’ve been
effectively disarmed, you need to find some new deterrents.
Keep Discipline in Mind
Being a parent is often a thankless job and sometimes we feel like taking a little revenge for the
things our kids put us through. As a parent, it’s important to realise that you’re not alone in these
feelings but these are urges we have to curb. You have to constantly remind yourself that
discipline comes from the word disciple, meaning “teacher”.
We’re not here to punish or take revenge on our kids, we’re here to teach them the skills,
respect and behaviour that they’ll need throughout their lives.
Ensure Discipline is about Teaching
Whenever time permits, talk to your child about what they have done wrong and try to
determine, without asking directly, whether they realise that it was wrong. Sometimes things
which are obviously wrong to us, are less obvious to our children. This is especially true of
children with Asperger’s syndrome.
For example, a child may be making noises by clicking a pen after a teacher has asked for the
class to be quiet. If the child has Asperger’s syndrome, they may interpret being quiet as not
making noises with their mouth, such as talking or humming. The activity with their pen could be
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an unconscious stimming behaviour. A teacher who punishes this behaviour may make a
student feel that they are being picked on – and it could cause the student to react to that
discipline.
Frequently, when children with Asperger’s have meltdowns with authority figures, it’s because
they feel that they’re being treated unfairly. This “unfair” treatment is often the result of an
authority figure enforcing an “invisible rule” and then upping the ante on punishment. It’s
important therefore to ensure that the child fully understands a rule before punishing them.
This is also one of the reasons why many parents of children with Asperger’s syndrome preregister their child with the police, to ensure that any approach by authority figures takes into
account the high probability of misunderstanding.
Use Deterrents
Of course, not all discipline can be talked out and some things need to be taught using
deterrents. Whenever possible, it’s much better to use natural deterrents than to create ones
which make you out to be the “bad person” who decides the punishments.
A natural deterrent for an older child would be that they need to replace or fix what they have
broken.
For example, if a child breaks another child’s toy, they might have to give one of their toys (of
similar emotional value) to the other child. If they break a window, they might need to save up to
get it replaced. If costs are steep, they don’t have to save the entire cost of replacement but it
should count towards a percentage at least – and they should be told exactly what they have
paid for. Understanding that they have only had to pay 10% of the cost and that if it happens
again, the percentage will be much higher, will help your child to understand consequences.
Take Things Away
One of the most effective deterrents is the removal of privileges. In particular, removing access
to electronic devices such as games, iPads, mobile phones, television and the internet works
extremely well with kids on the autism spectrum.
The trick however is to take care not to take everything away at once because a child with
nothing to lose will quickly become a child with no boundaries. Taking things away should be
immediate and with a clearly set boundary. A good example of this would be, “No iPad for a
week” followed by a quick retrieval of the iPad and placement out of sight of the child. Don’t ban
things and then leave them lying in plain sight as temptation.
Shorter bans are far more effective than longer bans. For example, removing an iPad until a
child cleans his room is far more effective than taking it away for a month.
Kids with Isms – What does not Work
As mentioned earlier, any kind of discipline which relies upon fear or hurt, including shouting and
abuse is not an effective method of discipline. These methods may actually work to produce
results but they also damage the child. They teach the child that violence can solve problems
and they can often lead to self-esteem and social issues. It’s no accident that many children who
bully their peers are victims of parental abuse at home.
The other type of response which fails is grounding. Typical teens have huge issues being
grounded but children with Asperger’s syndrome will often see grounding as a reward. After all, it
takes away the difficulties of social interaction.
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Escalating Discipline Results in Failure
For example, your child refuses to set the table, so you deny them desert/pudding. They
respond by trashing their brother’s bedroom and you respond by sending them to bed
immediately. They respond by taking their iPad to bed and playing under the covers and you
respond again by removing that iPad for a week.
It becomes a game of disciplinary tag and the problem is that in this situation, your child clearly
thinks that he is your equal in terms of authority.
Don’t play this game. In this situation, you need to follow through with your discipline by being
present at all times. Deny him dessert if you will but don’t allow him leave the dining room until
everyone has finished dinner.
If he starts trashing his brother’s room, go up there and talk to him, explain how what he is doing
is wrong and then talk him through fixing his brother’s room. If he’s not ready to fix it yet, then
don’t drop additional punishments on him, give him time to think it all over and try again
tomorrow. Perhaps tomorrow, you can choose a time to withhold the iPad while he cleans up
his mess.
In the end, discipline is up to you and your child. Things which work in one household or with
one child won’t necessarily work in other situations. If you find yourself at loggerheads with your
child, try backing off instead of pushing harder. Sometimes you just need to give things a little
space.
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“Probability Goals” Keep your Perfectionist Child from Giving
Up
You may not think of your child as a “perfectionist”, after all, he may have a terribly untidy room
or he may take little care in his writing when doing homework but perfectionist children aren’t
necessarily “perfect in every way”.
Sometimes perfection-ism only affects a small part of their lives. In any case, there are subtle
signs to look out for.
Perhaps your child gives up easily, or with a tantrum, when his math homework gets too hard.
Perhaps he tried to destroy his maths book. Maybe he scribbles out or glues the pages of his
work together and starts over when he makes a mistake. Maybe missing the ball once in a ball
game or getting out in a game of musical chairs or dodgeball is enough to make him throw up
his hands and walk out of there.
These things don’t mean that your child is a perfectionist but they can suggest that he has some
areas of pefectionist attitude.
Perfectionism is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it’s a great quality to have because it
can lead people to do their very best and to have very high standards. On the other hand
though, when perfection is not easy to achieve, it can become soul-destroying.
Probability Goals
I often used to wonder why so many of the tests at school would offer different options. They
would offer questions like, “Choose two out of these five topics and write an essay about them”. I
chalked this down to teachers getting bored with reading the same essays over and over again.
After all, surely it wouldn’t matter to the students who would either know the work – or not know
it.
It turns out that this is a form of probability goal. It’s a method of giving a “perfectionist” student a
way to dodge a completely unexpected question in an exam. If there was only one choice and it
happened to be in an area where a student hadn’t studied, it could affect their mood for the
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remainder of the exam. Providing more than one option encourages them to choose something
that they feel more comfortable with.
When I was scout leader, I noticed that a lot of the requirements were based around probability
goals too. Most of the sections of their books said to “choose any three of the following five
activities”. Even within questions, there were probability goals, “throw the ball and catch it on the
return five times in a row”. A lot of the goals were also about self-improvement, “over the next
few months, run 100 metres three times and beat your previous time”.
Using Probability Goals in Real Life
If you have a child who frequently has meltdowns over homework or who gives up if they don’t
get a perfect 10, then you could benefit from using probability goals. Instead of expecting
perfection from them, try to get them to reach a certain target or to improve on their past work.
For example; suppose that your child simply won’t eat vegetables. You could give them five
different veggies and tell them that they had to eat TWO in order to qualify for dessert. This
gives them back a measure of control without giving in to them entirely. If they have a problem
with a particular food, such as peas, you could tell them that they need to eat half – or you could
choose a very small number, say four and very slowly increase that requirement over weeks of
meals.
Using Probability Goals in Homework
The same goes for homework. Your child’s teacher may set a lot of homework but different
children work a very different speeds. At one point, we discovered that while our son was doing
less homework than other children in his class it was taking him three times longer. His teachers
wanted him to do more but naturally he was unhappy doing several hours of homework each
night. Instead of trying to increase his homework, we determined how many hours of homework
his teachers expected him to do per night and chose work which enabled him to reach that
target while still covering the major areas of learning.
Clearly you can’t give your child a choice of subjects to work on, otherwise he’d choose the “fun”
subjects like art and music all the time. Instead, give him a choice of work within subjects. For
example, if his homework is a page of mathematics containing four sections of work, ask him to
choose one or two and then move onto the next subject. You might also find that it helps to
cover up the remainder of the page with blank strips of paper as this reduces information
overload and makes the page look considerably less scary.
Of course, sometimes you’ll need to restrict your child’s choice, particularly if you notice that
they’re deliberately avoiding a certain type of work every time. A good example of avoidance
could be the child who avoids word or sentence based problems in maths. If these problems are
always ignored, your child won’t develop the interpretation and coping skills required to answer
them.
Using Probability Goals in Sports
Probability goes can also be used for after school and weekend sports. If your child is
uncooperative at a sport, don’t push for completion, simply push for a better result than last time.
If he is playing a team sport and reserves are available, then you could try to get him to play for
5 minutes longer than last week. If he’s doing something individual, such as indoor rock
climbing, you could use his previous height as a goal.
Above all, if he somehow smashes his previous record and can’t do it on subsequent tries, don’t
try to force your child to repeat the performance. Instead, “lower the bar” and set an easier goal.
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This gives your child a way to work back up to their past achievement without too much
pressure.
One area where probability goals frequently need to be set back is in swimming. Some children
only take lessons in summer. It is unreasonable to expect that after the winter break they will
immediately be able to resume swimming at the levels they reached the previous summer. The
same goes for children who have a “scare” in the water.
Even if you child doesn’t succeed, try to find positives and use words like “good effort” rather
than “better luck next time”.
After all, it’s so much better for your child to try and “fail” than to fail to try.
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Is Your Child a “Class Clown” to Gain Acceptance?
We all want to be accepted and to have friends, particularly at school but sometimes kids with
special-isms are so socially different that they stand out from their classmates. Standing out
makes it much harder to find acceptance among their peers. One method that these kids use to
convert unwanted attention into acceptance is comedy. It’s actually quite common for kids with
special needs to become the “class clown”.
As parents, we will usually find this concept abhorrent but the important thing is not whether we
are witnessing discrimination but whether or not our child is safe and happy. Many children are
very happy being the class clown. They feel as if they belong with their group of friends and quite
often these fringe friendships evolve into fully fledged and sometimes long term, friendships.
Sometimes however, being the class clown can be dangerous.
Bullying and the Class Clown
There are bullies everywhere in schools and they will usually target people who are different and
people who draw attention to themselves. The class clown by definition does both of these
things and will quickly become a prime target. Sometimes being a class clown provides
protection from bullies because they don’t want to be seen associating with the “weird kids” and
clowns can be quite resilient when insults are hurled. Most of the time however, bullies won’t
give up so easily.
One unique way in which bullies use class clowns is to set them up for potentially harmful
effects.
These can include getting caught, blame-taking, causing disagreement and dangerous stunts.
As parents, we must be vigilant and need to regularly discuss school with our kids while keeping
our ears open for signs of this activity. In particular, if your child frequently says things like,
“Daniel told me to do it” or “Claire said we couldn’t tell anyone”, there is probably cause for
concern. If the same names keep coming up whenever there is trouble, it’s fairly certain that
you child is being bullied via deliberate negative suggestions.
It’s important to note that many special needs children who are bullied in this manner don’t
realize that they are being bullied. They often see these types of bullies as friends and resist
separation.
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When Clowning Backfires
It would be wonderful if we could simply blame all of our children’s negative behaviors on
external parties, such as bullies but this is usually this is not the case. Class clowns expend a lot
of effort to keep their peers amused and it’s hardly surprising that occasionally they overstep the
mark. In fact, often, they are their own worst enemies. Special needs kids, particularly those
with ADHD, Autism and related issues have a reputation for being impulsive and sometimes
their less considered entertainment strategies can cause a lot of damage. Physical injuries are
common but the damage can also be reputational and/or emotional. Inappropriate clowning
choices can also lead to serious long term issues such as depression.
If your child shows signs of significant “clowning” then you need to ensure that they are giving
due consideration to actions and words before they do anything “silly”. Signs that this might not
be happening could include frequent injuries at social events or significant reactions from others
to their verbal, written or photographic submissions. This is a problem which affects both
genders and which needs to be addressed at early ages before their potential for damage
increases.
If your child has frequent access to electronic communication devices, such as iphones, ipads,
android and other devices, then you need to make sure that you know how they are interacting
with others. For example, they may be “trolling” forums using their real names. Trolling means to
go around saying things intended to anger others. It’s a common behaviour and is often done for
amusement. Trolling with one’s real name however could leave someone open to a real-world
attack. Similarly, taking photos of their own, or other’s body parts for amusement purposes
could lead to legal issues.
In the real world, clowning behavior can lead older children to alcohol abuse, dangerous driving,
recklessness or to attempt to entertain others using “Jackass style” tactics. Youtube is full of
examples of youths who have attempted to amuse their friends in this manner. Many of the
injuries sustained look painful and permanent. It’s not enough to attempt to block your child’s
access to these videos because they’ll get access to them somewhere away from your
protective embrace. Your child needs to fully understand the risks of “stunts” intended to amuse
others.
Non-Harmful Clowning
Of course, if your child manages to remain safe and happy while clowning, then the major areas
of impact could be their academic progress. Depending upon the individual child’s capabilities
and the circumstances, this may range from minor to severe. You will need to make your own
assessment. If the impact is fairly minor, then it’s best to allow your child to be a clown if he
wants rather than force a change which could upset the social dynamics of school. Clowning
behaviors have positive benefits too and will help your child cope with stress. They don’t last
forever and usually disappear quickly once children have left their school years behind.
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Change Your Child’s Behavior to Attract Less Attention
When it comes to individuality, our culture is a mess of double-standards. On the one hand, we
encourage individuality with slogans like “Just be yourself” and “stand out in a crowd” while on
the other, we’re constantly telling our children to “try to fit in” or “not to make waves” or “don’t be
such a baby”. While individuality is to be commended, it’s important to ensure that your children
have an appropriate level of social acceptance.
Sometimes this means you will have to change your child’s behavior to attract less attention.
History is filled with stories of people who were individuals and who stood out from the crowd.
These people made amazing contributions to our society but at the same time, most of them did
not enjoy happy or peaceful lives. Many of these historical figures were punished for
their individuality and some even died for their differences. The world of today isn’t quite so
harsh but every now and then, our world bares its teeth and when it does, our kids need to be
ready to “become invisible”.
When “Being Yourself” Causes Social Problems
For the most part, our children are too young to express the types of differences which caused
problems for the historical figures I alluded to but regardless of this, their special-ism’s will
almost certainly draw attention to them. Since most children with “invisible special needs” look
the same as their peers, their differences are usually in the form of unusual behavior.
A Stuffed Toy Example
It is not at all uncommon for children on the autism spectrum to need to carry a familiar object,
such as a stuffed animal or even a blanket when out shopping. This kind of behavior is cute
when your child is little but by the time they get into their middle-school years, it can become
problematic, especially if they bump into their school friends.
Now if this sort of thing happens to you, it’s tempting to try to give your child’s judgmental friends
“a good talking to about respect and individuality”. After all, why should your child have to
change simply to fit into the social norms of others? The problem of course is that regardless of
what you say or do, there is always the other child’s parents to consider. You might well lecture
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the child on acceptance but almost as soon as you’re out of earshot, the other child’s parents
will probably start up a conversation about “finding other friends”.
There’s just no winning in this kind of scenario. The best you can do is to prevent it from
happening in the first place. If your child is too old to be taking a visible comforter shopping, then
either give him an invisible one (such as something that remains in the pocket to be touched) or
give them an age-appropriate toy, such as an ipod or hand-held game.
Correcting Behaviors
The correction described earlier works very well when it involves objects that your child is
physically carrying but sometimes the differences are so ingrained that they become visible on
their own. Examples of this include; public meltdowns, very visible stimming behaviors (such as
rocking, fidgeting or humming), eating and dressing problems.
These behaviors will draw attention to your child and could result in bullying and exclusion by the
other children. Clearly this is not right and it’s not your child’s fault that other kids are intolerant
but I’ve found that it’s much easier to hide the behavior that attracts bullies than it is to get
schools to identify and stop all bullying incidents.
One thing is very clear; you can’t simply stop this kind of behavior with a verbal request, You
have to constantly monitor and correct your child until the desired behavioral change becomes
“natural”.
A Food Example
For example, you may have a teenager who still forgets to eat with their knife and fork, who
chews with his mouth open and who wipes his hands all over his clothing. While this behavior
could be tolerated in the home, it would cause major issues if he were to have dinner with
friends. In order to help him to correct his behavior, we need to make a point of ensuring that all
meals are eaten properly and that good manners are shown all the time. This means that the
wrong behavior must not be tolerated in the home but must be corrected at every opportunity.
Furthermore, steps would need to be taken to reduce issues at school until the eating problem
has been corrected. These steps might be to reduce the chance of him being served food which
could become messy, perhaps by providing a packed lunch without sauces or mayonnaise. It
could also mean forbidding your child to purchase “ice cream” at school.
A Dressing Example
The same technique applies to clothing. For example, if your child constantly fails to wear
underwear to school (or wears their pajamas underneath their school uniform), then you need to
make it part of your morning “pre-flight check”. It’s embarrassing and it’s “baby-ing” but if you
aren’t persistent, you won’t get the unwanted behavior to change. As your child gets older, you’ll
want to apply this same level of attention to other aspects of grooming including the use of
deodorant, inappropriate attire and even “sloppy” dressing. It may seem picky but it could mean
the difference between having friends or becoming a victim of bullying.
Encourage individuality but not at the expense of your child’s social interaction.
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Meltdown? Reduce Sensory Input, Reduce the Intensity
Meltdowns! They’re arguably the most feared events for the parents of children with isms but did
you know that the child or adult with an ism fears them too? Meltdowns are short periods of little
control which can hurt people, damage property and destroy friendships and reputations in
seconds. It’s little wonder that they are so feared.
Meltdowns can be prevented in good circumstances and with practice but once in effect, they
can’t be tamed. There are a few steps to reduce sensory input to help reduce their intensity and
longevity.
What is a Meltdown?
A meltdown is an out-of-control event which generally starts from a “trigger point” but is usually
related to longer term thoughts. From the outside, it looks to the casual observer to be like a
very bad temper tantrum but it’s not. Temper tantrums can be stopped. Temper tantrums are
generally aimed at elicting a specific response (for example a child may throw a tantrum to get
their own way, or a sweet). A meltdown is quite different. It is entirely uncontrolled and once
started, it must run its course before it ends.
Luckily meltdowns don’t run for very long.
Avoid the Meltdown
It is very difficult to avoid meltdowns and it involves a lot of practice, self-knowledge and
strategic withdrawal. Most children don’t learn to avoid meltdowns until their mid-teens and even
then, it’s not always possible, particularly if the people around you aren’t very understanding.
Reduce the Severity and Longevity of Meltdowns
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In the event that meltdown avoidance has failed and a fully-fledged meltdown is under way,
there are some things which can be done by parents and friends to reduce the severity.
First and foremost is to remove any unnecessary people from the area. If the meltdown happens
in public, this may not be possible. Unfortunately it’s not possible to control the behaviour of
onlookers and it’s entirely probable that they will stir the meltdown to greater heights with stares,
jeers and interference. In particular, if anyone starts attempting to film the event it could be very
damaging for the victim of the meltdown.
Meltdown Triggers and the Fuel
While meltdowns are usually started by a specific, sudden and obvious trigger, such as a
favourite toy breaking, the inability to tie one’s shoelaces or perhaps a computer failure, these
are only trigger mechanisms. They are the sparks which start a meltdown but they are usually
not the fuel. There are usually other, longer term reasons that a person has been brought close
to meltdown state.
Quite often these longer-term reasons are completely invisible to us and they could be entirely
internal to the victim of the meltdown. They may be the results of long-term depressive thoughts,
feelings associated with others such as rejection or bullying or even the results of day-to-day
lifestyle issues.
Of course, there is also plenty of external fuel which mostly revolves around the senses. It
should come as no surprise that meltdowns occur far more frequently in noisy, crowded, smelly
or over-lit places.
While there’s very little that you can do about the internal factors which fuel meltdowns you
should be able to deal with the external factors, specifically the senses.
Reduce Stimulation
It has been said that people take in about 2 million bits of sensory information every second of
the day. Since sensory over-stimulation places a large role in meltdowns, and since, unlike
thoughts, you can exercise a certain amount of control over the sensory environment, sensory
reduction is one of the best ways to reduce the intensity of a meltdown.
Sight
If you’re in a place with over-stimulating sight, such as a play area with lots of people running
about and bright colours, you should consider moving to a “quieter” area. Be mindful that the
subtle flicker of fluroescent lighting can also be problematic. Avoid staring at a person in
meltdown state and if possible try to prevent people from crowding around them. One thing I’ve
often witnessed in the past is adults who grab a child’s face during a meltdown and try to talk to
them while looking into their eyes. Maybe that reassures neruo-typical (normal) people but it
frightens people with isms and may escalate the meltdown.
Sound
If you’re in a noisy place, try to reduce the sound or move to a quieter location. If you have music
or TV playing, turn it off. Remember that air conditioners and other household machinery can
also be very distracting for a person with sensitivity.
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Smell and Taste
If there are any strong smells in the area, such as food, fuel or cleaning fluids, you should try to
move to a less disturbing environment. Similarly if your child is having a meltdown while eating
something, it’s best to try to encourage them to either swallow it or spit it out – this has less to do
with the sense of taste and more to do with minimizing the risk of choking during a meltdown.
Touch
Most people with sensory sensitivities don’t respond well to light touches. Avoid touching a
person in meltdown state, particularly if your touching involves rubbing their hand, arm or back. If
the person is willing, then a tight hug is often ok, but exercise caution and for your safety and
theirs, ensure that they know that a hug is coming and are willing to accept it.
If the person is in a place where a light breeze, for example – air conditioning, is falling on their
skin, try to turn this off as this may be over-stimulating. Quite often the best thing to do is to
supply them with a blanket as this will enable them to wrap themselves for the duration of the
meltdown and regain a sense of calm.
Vestibular Senses
A blanket will also help to dull the vestibular sense (spatial awareness) and it is particularly
helpful if the person is in a large open space. Often retreating to a corner, or even better, their
own personal space, such as a bedroom, will help. Finally, if the person is in motion under your
control, such as a car, pull over and stop until the meltdown has finished, this will reduce the
sensory overload and increase safety. It is very dangerous to drive with a person in a meltdown
state.
You can’t always avoid meltdowns altogether but by reducing the amount of sensory information
in the individual’s environment, you can make them more comfortable. The meltdown can be a
shorter lived experience for everyone.
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When Parents Disagree – Focus on Treatment
Imagine this scenario >>
Your child has fallen off her bike and after the fall, her finger is sticking out at an odd angle. You
take her to the hospital where the doctor shows you x-rays and tells you that the finger is broken
and that she won’t be able to write for some time. Suddenly your partner speaks up telling
everyone that he doesn’t believe that it’s broken and that your child needs to continue writing like
everyone else in their class.
It’s clearly silly and extremely harmful to the child and to family relationships. In real life, this
would never happen because the doctors would probably intervene and sanity would prevail.
Sadly though, this situation – when parents disagree – is extremely common when it comes to
“invisible” conditions, such as Autism, Asperger’s syndrome, ADHD and others.
Noticing the Dissimilarities
The problems usually start somewhere during infancy where one partner, usually the mother,
notices a difference in the child. There are a few reasons why it’s usually the mother; In the
early years, mothers spend significantly more time with their children than fathers. This is
because many parts of the nurturing role, breastfeeding for example, can only be performed by
mothers. The breadwinner role of fathers in modern society tends to eat into a father’s time with
his children.
It’s not just about time spent, mothers at home tend to partake in gatherings of other mothers at
parks, in playgroups, in playing areas at shopping centers and at preschool events. They get
many more opportunities to see how their child interacts and plays with others – and they have
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more opportunities to compare developmental milestones. Mothers are far more likely to know
whether their child is dissimilar to others of the same age.
A Simple Look at Genetics
Despite the crazy theories which abound regarding the origin of these invisible conditions;
refrigerator mothering, vaccination, environmental toxins and more recently, circumcision, the
majority of these differences are simply inherited. Often when talking to parents of newly
diagnosed children, I’ll ask about the parent’s jobs, expecting to find common careers, like
engineering, computing or science disciplines. Sometimes the connection is less direct and it
turns out that the child has an uncle or grandfather who could have had various isms. It’s usually
just a matter of asking the right questions.
There are also good reasons why these invisible differences tend to follow the male line. If you
think back to your high school science class, you’ll probably remember that females have an XX
chromosome structure while males have XY. Essentially, this means that a baby girl has a
“choice” of three X’s, two from the mother and one from the father. If one of those X’s is less
than optimal, there is a spare. Male children however have only one choice for their Y. If it
carries a genetic ism, then it’s pretty much a given that they will inherit the trait.
It’s not quite as simple as that and there are many other factors to consider but the most
important thing to remember is that genetics is the key and that the odds are significantly higher
that the traits will come from the father’s side – particularly in boys.
What this means is that quite often, behavior which seems out of the ordinary to mothers is
considered perfectly normal to fathers. It’s not uncommon for fathers to say, “I was exactly the
same when I was little”. Unfortunately this response often leads into a denial of the problem and
a failure to allocate appropriate resources.
Focus on Treatment, Forget the Labels
I know of families who have struggled for years with acceptance of a diagnosis. In some cases,
it has broken up marriages while in others, couples regularly argue on the topic at their child’s
expense. These are households under great stress and nobody benefits.
If you can’t agree on a label, then at least reach an agreement about your child’s specific
needs. For example, look at some of the following in your child, relative to his similar-aged
peers;
Speech
Does your child speak slowly, enunciate poorly or frequently use incorrect words in context. It
could be that he has difficulty with speech, understanding or hearing. It’s best to get these
checked out by qualified professionals. You don’t need a diagnosis to do this. If your child needs
help, then the answer, regardless of the label is for a professional, such as a speech therapist
or an audiologist to work on it.
Coordination and Muscle Control
Does your child have an unusual gait (walking or running style) compared to other kids? The
unusual gait should be investigated, particularly in cases where it impairs the child’s normal
development. Of course, if the gait does not affect the child in any way, then there’s no reason to
correct it.
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There are other aspects to coordination and muscle control. You may find that your child
appears clumsy or has difficulty kicking or catching a ball. Perhaps they tire more easily than
their peers or experience discomfort doing everyday tasks (pencil grip discomfort is a very
common complaint). All of these skills can be improved with practice and training. Arranging a
session with an occupational therapist can be very helpful in this regard.
Academic Issues
If your child appears to be having academic difficulties and needs support with spelling, math or
grammar, you can arrange for some one-on-one tutoring. You don’t need to have a label to do
this although there’s a good chance that a label will help with funding. Your child’s school will
also probably have a special needs tutor. You should certainly arrange a meeting to talk with the
special needs teachers as they can direct you to useful resources but you may find that this is
one area in which a label is required to enable them to get involved. In the United States, a
good place to start is with your school district’s child study team.
Change, Stimming and other Social Issues
If your child is having difficulty transitioning between classes, or activities within classes, then
there are plenty of easy options, such as making a visual timetable. If there are social issues,
then play-acting, flash-cards or social stories may be appropriate. These are all things which can
easily be done by parents at home. You don’t need a diagnosis to work on these with your child.
There are plenty of good, free resources for these things on the internet. Don’t be afraid to give
things a go.
Hakuna Matata
There’s no doubt that raising a child with isms without a diagnosis is extremely frustrating and
that the full support of both parents is what is really needed. Unfortunately, sometimes these
things take longer than expected and while it’s very common for the other partner to change
their thinking eventually, it’s not something that you should wait for.
What your child needs most is the support of both parents and some useful early intervention.
Sometimes that means that you need to swallow your pride and allow your partner to feel that
they are right… for the time being. In the meantime, instead of pushing for a label, you need to
be pushing for services.
In the short term, a label won’t matter, particularly if it stops mom and dad from arguing and
makes the home happier and more supportive. Early intervention without the label is still the
most effective tool you can apply.
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How to Develop Realistic Goals With Children
All children with Isms are different, so it’s important that goals set for them be different as well.
Unfortunately, even the best of schools using the best Individualised Education Plans (IEPs) fall
into the trap of providing a singular stream of education.
It’s not laziness on their part, simply the difficulty of maintaining a classroom, even a smaller,
special needs focused one, at multiple levels of need.
That’s why the real work of goal setting and goal achievement needs to happen at home. Let’s
take a look at how to develop realistic goals with children.
Why Set Goals?
Goals not only provide a great way to measure progress but they also give your child something
to strive for. Kids with goals generally achieve more than kids without. For example, compare
the difference between these two scenarios.
A child is constantly harassed at the dinner table about eating with his mouth shut while eating.
A child is given a first goal of eating a meal with his mouth shut and then later goals of doing this
for three, then five meals in a row.
Which of these techniques is more likely to succeed?
Setting Goals
When setting goals, keep in mind that they need to be realistic and achievable but not so easy
that no work is required to achieve them. It’s best to have a small mix of goals at multiple levels
with at least one being very easily achievable and one requiring considerably more effort. Short
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term goals are also better than long term goals as children tend to work better with more
frequent recognition of their achievements.
Goals do not need to be academic in nature. They can be social or physical depending upon the
child’s areas of weakness or need.
It’s best to discuss goals with your child in an open family setting (unless the goal is personal
and/or embarrassing). This helps to ensure that the rest of the family is on the same page and
can commit to helping the child to achieve their goal. This is particularly important when goals
are behavioural.
Sometimes it helps to give other members of the family goals too. This is particularly important if
the child feels like they are being singled out.
It’s also very important that the child agrees with the goal. There’s not going to be a lot of
motivation to achieve a goal if the child does not consider it to be important, or worthwhile. With
older children, the goal should be treated as a form of “contract” where the child agrees to the
goal in exchange for a specific reward if it is achieved.
It’s a good idea to put the goal somewhere prominently visible, such as on a kitchen or family
room notice board as a reminder of the commitment. You should probably also write the agreed
upon “prize” next to the goal. Again, if the reward is personal or embarrassing, resist the
temptation to do this. Your child does not need to be embarrassed during play dates.
Setting Measurable Goals
Goals need to be closed-ended and very specific in nature, for example; “three nights in a row
without wetting the bed” rather than “no more wetting the bed”. When setting the goal, you need
to think carefully;
How will I measure it?
How will I know when the goal has been achieved?
In the case of “no more wetting the bed” how would you know when to give the reward?
If you’re trying to change a behaviour, start small and work your way up to larger/longer goals.
For example if your child has an issue with reversing letters, you might set goals such as
“complete today’s homework with no reversed b’s and d’s”. This puts the emphasis on a specific
reversal and caps it at a single day’s homework. From there you could add letters, S for
example or you could add days, two days homework for example.
Keep Setting New Goals
Once a goal has been achieved, you’ll want to set another. Make sure that if the new goal is in
the same area as the old one, that it is an increase in challenge. For example, don’t set a daily
goal to simply get homework completed. This makes the goal boring and also stops challenging
your child to do better.
Include Prior Goals in Next Goals where Appropriate
Remember that you’re trying to change overall behaviours, not simply hit a specific target. For
this reason, you need to continue including old goals in your new goals. If your old goal was to
have the bedroom tidied once per week and your new goal is to have your child bring their dirty
wash to the laundry each week, then phrase it as; “Tidy your room each week including bringing
your washing to the laundry”. Unless you do this, your child may drop an old achievement in
favour of a new one with a reward.
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Be Forgiving of Slip-ups
Everyone has moments where they slip up and children with Isms will often “beat themselves up
about it”. It’s important not to focus on failure but to move onward with goal achievement. Don’t
give in and reward failure but if you believe that your child has genuinely been trying you might
consider half of the promised reward.
It’s important to treat goal-failure conversations lightly. Don’t shout at or punish your child for
lack of achievement. They’re already being “punished” by missing out on their promised reward
and it’s likely that they’re even more upset by the failure than you are.
Be Aware of Limitations
Sometimes a goal that seems simple to you will be completely beyond your child’s ability. Some
children have actual physical difficulty controlling their bladders at night, some have dyslexia
which may make letter correction impossible.
If you find that you’ve set a very difficult goal, revise it down, for example from “all letters correct”
in their homework to no more than three mistakes. In fact, you might want to set an increasing
scale of reward such as one jelly bean for each line that is written without any letter reversals.
If you lower the goal considerably and your child is still unable to achieve it, then you may have
set “an impossible goal”. In this case you need to make a note of this to discuss with your
child’s doctor and teachers and change to a different goal entirely.
Most of all, make sure that the goals are your own. They need to be “personal goals between
you and your child”, not the goals of the classroom. They need to be individual, regular,
achievable, measurable and fun.
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Scoring Anxiety? Choose Non-Competitive Sports
As a child, I played soccer at my father’s insistence and I hated every minute of it. I had very
poor coordination and it was all I could do to “not fall over” when kicking the ball. It didn’t really
matter all that much because I could never run fast enough to keep up with the ball. I quickly
lost all interest in the game. Of course, my dad got really into it and I ended up playing for about
six years mainly because it made him happy.
Unlike some children, I never developed scoring anxiety because I never considered that I might
actually be able to score. I eventually became friends with another boy who had a similar
disinterest in the game. I remember that he would become quite anxious when our team
members and coaches said that we’d let them down. It did not upset me – one of the big
advantages to being deaf is that you don’t hear a lot of the bad things being said about you.
When I had kids of my own, I took my five year old to soccer and we played one painful-to-watch
season. Clearly, he’d inherited my lack of skill as he did not kick the ball once during a match.
While the soul-crushing accusations of “letting the side down” never materialized, I could see
some parents taking it too seriously with their own kids. Concerned that it was only a matter of
time before they would start pointing the finger elsewhere – we decided to get out of soccer.
A Move to Scouts
I moved my son to scouts and immediately noticed a huge difference. Instead of competing with
each other, scouts were encouraged to work together towards common goals. They were taught
to support the less able members of their troops and to delegate tasks depending upon skill and
interest. There were also lots of neutral activities such as crafts, drama, group songs and
games.
Having found this to be such a good fit for my kids, I asked my parents why they hadn’t sent me
to scouts. They told me that they “just didn’t think that I would like it”. It was such a missed
opportunity. They had mistaken my lack of interest in competitive sports for a lack of interest in
any social activities.
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Once we decided that scouting was the way to go, I became a scout leader and I learned how to
run games. Some of these games had clear winners but some did not. I would always choose
the games carefully, often depending upon the makeup of my troop. When I had scouts with
clear failure or scoring anxiety, I would either run “neutral games” or I would give them a job
outside the game, such as score-keeper. Of course there were still times when I did run
competitive games because it’s still important for children to learn about winning and losing but
when I did, I was always watchful for anxiety.
A Quest for Activities
As my kids got older, we left scouts and I made it clear to them that I wouldn’t accept “sitting on
the computer, iPad, smartphone, gamepad or console” as a sport. Seeking physical activity, we
looked at non-competitive sports, such as bike riding and ice skating. For us, the learning curve
and the falls and failures proved to be too much. I’m still hopeful that they’ll improve in these
areas but I’m not prepared to keep pushing their anxiety buttons.
I’ve noticed that recently, there’s been a trend towards “not counting the scores” in competitive
games at school. The problem with this is that somewhere, someone is always keeping score
and that as they grow older, my children will eventually have to face the competition. I’m not a
believer in non-scored competitive sports.
Since I still need to protect my kids from scoring anxiety as they have significant problems with
failure, I’ve chosen activities which are fairly cheap to do and easy to learn. I’ve deliberately
avoided sports which include the kind of nasty falls you can have in surfing, skating or
skateboarding. It also helps if improvement in the sport is measured not against others but
against one’s past achievements.
For us, that means walking, karate and indoor rock climbing. So far, these are working very well.
Of course, there are plenty of other alternatives; fishing, canoeing, sailing, flying or driving
remote controlled vehicles and general fitness work.
It’s important for kids to get out and be physical but if your child reacts badly to losing, then it’s
best to choose things that won’t set off their anxieties.
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Want Kids to Respond Positively? Don’t Mince Your Words
My wife is always complaining that she has to repeat things several times over for me. Of
course, I’m deaf, so I have a good excuse. The thing is though that I’ve known for a long time
that there’s more to this problem than meets the eye.
My wife has a similar complaint with regards to my kids. She will tell them to do something only
to be ignored or misheard. Quite often a simple task will require several attempts before it is
completed. She can be much louder than I can and I know that my kids don’t have a hearing
problem because they can hear a candy wrapper at 50 paces. I’ve also found that I have
significantly greater success when I ask them to perform the same task using my own choice of
words.
It’s interesting that I found the same pattern with the special needs kids in my Cub Scout pack.
I have to conclude that there is a non-hearing related auditory listening problem in individuals
with various Isms. The good news is that there is also a more effective way to communicate.
“Speech Clipping”
It’s very interesting to note that Temple Grandin has also picked up on this problem. She refers
to it in her writings as “speech clipping”.
Speech clipping seems to work in two ways. First, any speech prior to getting a person’s
attention is lost and second, any speech involving any complexity, such as tasks and directions
is lost.
I’ve noticed a third issue. Providing insufficient information does not galvanise children into
action – particularly if the caller’s intentions are negative — and I’m particularly talking about
teenagers here.
Get Attention First
From an early age, we try to teach our children to “look at us when we talk”. This isn’t always
possible, particularly with kids who have eye contact issues but remember, looking doesn’t
necessarily mean eye contact.
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If you can see your kids, then you need to make sure that you’ve got their attention before
talking. Ideally they should be at least looking in your general direction. A child holding a toy is
less likely to be listening than one who isn’t, so sometimes you need to say “put your toys down
until I’ve finished talking”.
If your children are out of sight, you should get acknowledgement before shouting at an empty
space. I will usually tell my kids that I want to see their faces before I talk — and I’m rewarded
with cute faces looking down from the top of the stairs. If nothing else, at least ask, “can you
hear me?” before continuing. Note, don’t ask “are you listening?”.
Avoid Complexity
I have a rule regarding shopping lists with my wife. She can ask for five things but after that, they
must be written down. I’m quite often found in the shops counting my fingers and looking worried
— it’s when I know there are five things and I’ve only remembered four. The important thing here
is that I know that something is missing and I keep going over conversations in my head until I
remember what it is.
Teenagers and children have trouble remembering more than three things, particularly if they’re
complicated. It’s like when you ask someone for road directions and they give you a long verbal
list of turns. Very soon, you find yourself forgetting even the first few turns.
If it’s complicated, make a written list or give your child one task at a time with an instruction to
come back for the next task once it’s done.
Kids and adults also respond better to closed lists and you’ll find that a numbered list works
better than randomly assigned tasks. If you need to give verbal tasks, set a limit, say “I need you
to do these TEN things”.
Each time you assign a task, give it a number, “For the first thing, I need you to put all the shoes
away – then come back for your next task”. When your child returns, praise them and remind
them of the numbering before assigning the next task, “great work, now you have 9 tasks left”.
Give Clear & Precise Direction
Getting your kids to come to you is not too dissimilar to training dogs. If coming to you is
generally a positive experience for them, then they’ll react immediately to your voice. If quite
often you call them only to give them chores or homework or to berate them for some oversight,
then obviously they’ll be less likely to respond to your voice.
I make a point of explaining myself when calling my kids downstairs. For example, I won’t simply
yell out “John!” but will say “John, your dinner is on the table, come and eat it”. It’s longer but it
conveys a message. In this case, John knows exactly why he’s coming downstairs and even if
he missed the first part of the sentence, he’s certainly got the second.
Soften Chores with Sweetness
If I’m calling the kids down to do chores, I’ll often distract them first by calling them down for a
treat, perhaps a drink. Once I have them in the room and preferably sitting down with their drink,
then I’ll go over their chores. Doing this ensures that distracting thoughts like toys and iPads are
kept to a minimum because their hands and mouths are otherwise engaged in the snack.
If possible, try to have something positive planned for once the chores are done and let your kids
know upfront what they can expect once the chores are done. Rewarding for chores done is
much more positive, both for them and for you, than punishing for chores which aren’t done.
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How Does Your School’s Rewards Program Fair?
Most primary schools (or elementary schools, as they are called in the U.S.) have some form of
“rewards program”.
There’s usually a “student of the week” reward where students get to take home a small trophy
or a stuffed animal in younger classes. Sometimes the reward is “looking after the class
mascot”.
Why Should Any Child Be Left Out?
With school years running for upwards of 30 weeks and class sizes in between 15-35 students,
your child should be eligible for this honour at least once per year. Most teachers are pretty good
at making sure that every student gets a turn but some are either very poor record keepers or
are blissfully unaware of the consequences of their choices.
Then there are the bigger awards; student of the term and citizen of the term. At the school my
sons went to for the seven years from kindergarten through to year six, there were two such
awards per class, four times a year.
That’s eight awards per year and a total of fifty-six awards over the entire school period. There is
no reason why any child should miss out – and yet they do.
Kids with Isms Left Empty Handed
While we had friends who seemed to get these awards over and over again, my eldest child
missed out entirely and my youngest would have too had my wife not had words (on several
occasions) with the teachers and principal.
Discussions with other parents of kids with Isms made it clear to us that we were not alone in
this regard.
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In my younger days, I probably would have argued against the idea that all kids deserve
rewards, suggesting instead that rewards needed to be reserved for particular achievements.
My experience as a special needs dad has changed me. I now have a much better
understanding of the purpose of these rewards and the impact that they can have, not only on
your child’s self-esteem but also on the general emotional well-being of their families.
These are not rewards, they are “encouragement” – and to deny them to the students and
families who need them the most is simply “bullying”.
Every Child Deserves Recognition
Every single child needs to be recognised for their contributions, struggles, achievements and
perseverance.
A few years ago, my wife and I sat in a hall full of graduating kids and watched in horror as they
gave out, not just the final awards but also a whole swag of unexpected new ones. Our son had
never received a single high-level award in his entire seven years of school but this sudden
influx of awards had our attention. Could this finally be the day?
Over the years at that school, we had been through hell and back, lost some close family
members, gone through the whole special needs diagnostic process hand in hand with the
school and used more than our fair share of tissues in some of those parent-teacher meetings.
My wife and I had helped out at the school more consistently than many parents; enough that
most of the teachers knew us all by name.
My wife had gone to great pains to ensure that the teaching staff knew that our son hadn’t
received any awards. We were hopeful that he would receive something but my heart was
breaking for him as my wife cried her tears of pain in the chair beside me and we saw that while
he still sat sadly in an increasingly vacant group of seats, half of his classmates had been
rewarded – and that they were the same kids who “always” received the awards.
The principal announced that a “farewell mass” would follow and my wife jumped up and led our
boy out. She made it clear that we weren’t going to stay for more torture. We took him to
McDonald’s to celebrate the end of his primary school years and to reassure him that he was
“student of the year” to us.
Advocating for All Kids
We sent a letter to the principal, who responded with excuses but also a promise to try to do
better in future and we started dropping gentle reminders to the education team about our
youngest son.
One year later, with a new team involved, the teacher told my wife to stop asking and that “it will
happen”. I don’t think that we believed him but we gave him the benefit of doubt. We decided
that if it didn’t happen by the end of term, we would lobby like crazy.
Finally, last week (on the second-last opportunity for such awards) we got a call to say that our
son was receiving an award. It was such a momentous event for us that I took some time off
work.
Rewards Mean So Much More to Families and Kids with Isms
As we sat there and looked at the other proud parents, I noticed something rather sad. Many of
the kids receiving awards were the same ones I kept reading about in the newsletters. Their
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parents were present but were pretty blasé about the whole thing.
My wife and I however, had great difficulty holding our tears back throughout the awards
ceremony. This was a very big deal for us. When we saw our boy get his reward, there were
tears in his eyes too. Clearly it was a big deal to him as well.
As a parent, it’s sadly your job to ensure that your school is keeping adequate records and to
lobby for your child and any other “forgotten children” if they reach the last couple of years of
their school lives and still haven’t got the recognition that they deserve.
Remember; these awards aren’t for academic prowess, they’re for recognition and
encouragement and as parents of kids with isms, we know that our kids have to work much
harder than their peers simply to keep up.
Surely they deserve a little recognition and encouragement for that.
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Kids Can’t Work Together? Separate Them
All around the world, getting the kids ready for school is arguably the toughest daily chore for
parents of school aged kids. If you’ve had lots of problems in this area, you’re certainly not
alone.
There are two factors that can make this task much harder – Kids with Special-Isms and
siblings, particularly siblings with Special-Isms.
Siblings can quickly turn any routine into a pushing and shoving match, fighting to get changed
in front of the heater, turning teeth brushing into a water fight, spilling or spoiling breakfast and
generally talking, teasing and otherwise distracting their siblings.
The solution is simple- if your kids can’t work together, separate them.
Of course, separation is much easier said than done. Telling them to stay apart is just not going
to work. Especially if you disappear for a while, heaven forbid, to get yourself ready for the day.
Obviously a strategy in needed.
Look After “Number One”
Here is the bad news. You probably need to get get up earlier. You don’t get to sleep in so long.
On the plus side though, you’ll be able to take some time out for yourself- and you’ll feel so
much better for it. You would be surprised how much looking after “number one” can get your
day off to a good start.
So, set your alarm clock to 30 minutes earlier and get up to have a shower and get yourself
ready. Maybe even have a stress-free breakfast before the mayhem starts. Now that there’s
nothing else for you to do to get yourself ready, you can spend quality time supervising and
supporting the kids.
Of course, it still pays to be prepared. For example, making sure that the kids clothes are all
“found” and laid out ready for them the night before.
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The Production Line
Before you begin, if you have any pets in the house, make sure that they’re fed, watered and
then either put outside or covered up (or otherwise unable to interfere with the process of getting
ready).
Next, decide which of your kids is the “fastest dresser” and wake them up. Leave the others
asleep. Sleeping kids are peaceful kids. As soon as your “fast dresser” is about halfway dressed,
wake up the next kid and repeat the process. By the time the second child is fully awake, the first
one should be moving onto breakfast (hopefully in a different room). You now have a production
line.
As much as possible, keep the production line operating in different rooms. Keep checking on all
participants but stay with the slowest and most distracted kids until they’re ready. You’ll be
surprised how much less stressful it can be.
When Things Go Wrong
Of course sometimes, despite your best efforts, a major meltdown will occur. The rules for
meltdowns apply here – most importantly, Don’t engage. If the child is not a danger to
themselves, their siblings or your assets, then give them space. Work with their siblings in
another room instead- this gives the meltdown time to decrease in intensity. You can try again
when your child is calm.
If the meltdown is actually a “tantrum” (ie: being staged for a reason) then taking attention away
can have very positive effects.
If it is getting late and school is really close (and you either have extra supervision or can trust
your (older) “meltdown child” at home by themselves, then drop the other kids at school. This
ensures that the actions of the unruly child don’t impact their siblings. It also gives the child more
time to calm down and reduces the chance of the siblings interfering and prolonging or
exacerbating the meltdown.
Sure it means two trips but it is often worth the effort.
When Things Can’t be Resolved
One more tip – if your child is constantly melting down due to change, for example, non-uniform
days, dress-up days or sports carnivals, then sometimes it’s easier to keep the child at home –
or send them to work with dad.
Children with major change issues will learn more away from school than with their peers on
“disruptive days”.
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Detect & Harness Your Child’s Special Interests
Some Isms, particularly Autism and Asperger’s syndrome, come with “Special Interests”.
While you usually have very little influence over the choice and development of a special
interest, once you recognise it for what it is, you have access to the most powerful learning and
motivation tool available.
What are Special Interests?
A special interest is an extreme focus on a specific topic. It can last for a few months or years, or
it could last a lifetime.
Not so long ago, people with disabilities used to be credited with “savant” abilities or the
development of new or heightened “senses” to replace other senses affected by their disabilities.
While these things can happen, they’re actually quite rare. Most of the amazing people with Isms
are using pretty similar abilities to everyone else – the difference often comes down to focus,
and in particular, focus on areas of interest.
How do Special Interests Develop?
There’s usually no conscious decision to follow or develop a special interest. It seems to occur
because of a unique set of coincidences which include – exposure, age, initial interest and
accessibility.
Some interests, such as Star Wars have a much higher chance of selection due to repeated
exposure. Three huge films over a ten year period, with a ton of merchandising in between
offers repeated exposure. There’s a reason why it’s the special interest of nearly an entire
generation.
Others, like “Dinosaurs” or “Ancient Egypt” or “Trains” appear because they’re recurring topics in
our mass media or popular children’s books. Sadly, the sorts of topics that parents dream about,
like mathematics or sciences tend to be much rarer.
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Detecting the Special Interest
I can remember when my eldest was first diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome. My wife and I
were eagerly trying to identify our son’s special interest. We were looking everywhere for signs
that our son was fixated upon a topic without realising that at five, the boundaries of any topic in
our sense of the word were invisible to him.
We thought it was cars, then transformers or perhaps wheels until it started to dawn on us that
seemed to be any kind of machine- even those like hand-dryers which he was terrified of.
Now that he’s in his mid-teens, the special interests no longer hold any mystery. Whenever we
are seated at the dining table, we can be sure that certain topics will always find their way into
the conversation, no matter how much we try to avoid them.
Problematic Special Interests
Most parents have issues with their children’s special interests. My parents had problems with
my focus on “Doctor Who” from the tender age of four and they tried to dissuade me from the
topic, getting the school library to stop me from borrowing the novels. I ended up buying them,
hundreds of them. Forty-three years later, it’s still an obsession.
As parents, you probably won’t be entirely satisfied with your child’s interests but unless they’re
actively and severely damaging, you should leave them alone. It’s okay for an adult to still like
SpongeBob or Lego. These don’t count as damaging but an addiction to porn or guns probably
needs intervention. Some kids develop an interest in socially unacceptable things, including
body odours, excessive gore and even feces. Next to these, an obsession with stuffed bears is
fine.
If an interest is damaging, the best you can do as a parent is to make the bad interest harder to
pursue while making other good interests more readily available. You can’t force a change of
interest but you can reduce support of it.
Harnessing the Special Interests
As your child develops interests, the best thing that you can do is to ensure that you at least
have a working knowledge of it. This will mean that you always have a way to engage your child
in conversation. Beyond that, a knowledge of the interest will greatly assist you in motivation.
There are many methods for motivation via special interests starting with simple bribery where
you promise something related to the the interest to your child such as a toy, a token, computer
or TV time.
From there, you’re only limited by your imagination. Tie fighters docking can substitute for
spoon feeding or spaceships can substitute for anything in math homework. Do you have a quiet
child who won’t talk about their school day? The opportunity to do it in Darth Vader’s voice could
be too tempting to resist.
Don’t stop at simple school work though. Chances are that if you have discovered your child’s
special interest, they’re thinking about it almost constantly. It’s amazing how many people follow
their childhood special interests into adulthood and sometimes, into fulfilling and lifelong careers.
The special interest really is the key to everything and a wonderful tool for motivation!
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Plan Ahead to Reduce Anxiety
One of the most common problems associated with the various isms that children may have is –
anxiety. Sure, a little anxiety is normal, most kids can be anxious about things. The difference is
that in kids with Isms, that anxiety can quickly become lethal. It is optimal to have a plan in
place ahead of time to reduce anxiety.
I’m not exaggerating here either, anxiety fills kids up with adrenaline and triggers their “fight or
flight” reactions.
When Fight is Triggered
When the kids choose to fight, someone gets hurt, usually a parent or grandparent but just as
often, the child with the Ism hurts themselves. Kids who often choose to fight in reaction to
anxiety get into physical struggles with teachers, parents, doctors and police. Their sudden
movements at inopportune times can cause damage too. Think about what happens if your child
makes sudden movements with a mouth full of dentistry tools, or during a haircut – or when
confronted by a particularly jumpy policeman.
When Flight is Activated
When the choice is “flight”, matters are worse. Kids who choose flight often run out of the school
gates, into oncoming traffic or into any number of other dangerous situations. If nothing else,
they can become “lost” for hours, often in dangerous environments.
Reduce the Everyday Anxiety
The key to reducing anxiety is “preparation”. If you know that something “different” is about to
happen, then you need to get your child prepared.
With verbal kids, this is done by talking about the day ahead and discussing the unusual event in
the middle of a “normal day”. Sometimes you need to tell your child, several times over, what to
do if they feel overwhelmed or if they get lost. Sometimes you have to write it down for them.
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If your child is non-verbal, these concepts need to be conveyed by pictures and/or by “social
stories”.
Social Stories to Reduce Anxiety
You can find lots of good resources for social stories on the Internet. Some parents create a
social story “keychain” so that they can create a social story “on the fly” anywhere, others use an
iPad or android tablet, photos and slideshow software. The best method is “whatever method
works best for you and your child”.
The best social stories take the form “this event first, and then…. This event”. It’s important to
visually demonstrate the rewards after tough events, such as a dentist, but most importantly, the
fact that life goes on and that “normality returns”.
Plan for the Unexpected Anxiety
Sometimes events spiral out of control, become unpredictable or occur without warning. When
these happen, the key is still to be prepared.
In these cases, you can’t prepare for specific events but you can prepare your child for moments
when they are overwhelmed. Make sure that they have “words to say” or a card to show
someone when they are overwhelmed.
Plan for School to Reduce Anxiety
Ensure that the child has a place to go such as a safe meeting point at school. For example:
Instruct the child to show a card to a teacher which allows for the child to go to the school office
and show the card to them. This lets the teacher know that the child needs to leave the class
while ensuring that they remain in the school grounds, a safe environment.
It also helps if you’ve talked to the school and teachers and office staff in advance. Practice the
technique at home and at school with your child and they’ll remember it when they need it.
Plan for Shopping to Reduce Anxiety
Different places will need different techniques and sometimes you’ll need to plan for vague
concepts.
In my youth, I was always getting lost in shopping centres. Partially because I was so easily
distracted and partially because, being deaf meant that I never heard my mother calling for me.
Eventually we agreed that if I ever got lost in a big shopping centre, I would head down to their
centre stage – all shops had them back then. It quickly became a rule and neither my mother or I
ever had to panic about my being lost again.
Plan for Police Interaction
One of the other things to practice is interactions with the police and strangers. If your child’s
reactions aren’t “typical”, you should consider taking them to the local police station to have their
Ism recorded. This can really affect how the police treat your child – once they’re identified of
course.
If you have an older child, for example a late teen, then socialising them directly with the police
may be a very good plan.
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Roll with Unexpected Anxiety
Sometimes, no matter how much planning you do, there’s just no getting around a major
anxiety-inducing event. This is particularly common at the dentist or when undergoing surgery.
Advocate to Reduce Anxiety
In that case, you need to make sure that all of the professionals involved understand that they’re
not dealing with simple childhood anxiety. This is anxiety related to an ISM. It can’t be reasoned
with and it can’t be bargained with. As a professional, they have to understand that the usual
methods won’t work and find another way to get past the anxiety.
When Normal Won’t Work
A good practitioner will be able to gauge the level of anxiety in a child by their reactions to words
and concepts. For example:
If a child is having major anxiety about a needle, repeated (constant) discussion of the needle by
the child would indicate a fixation. If the fixated child is over reactive to touch, pre-swabbing the
area or applying a “test band-aid” most likely won’t work for this child. It’s a good bet that normal
procedures will fail because the anxiety levels are too high.
Ward Off the “Barge Through” Approach
Parents need to keep a close watch on these things too because while an empathetic doctor will
try to find a way to perform a procedure without elevating a patient’s anxiety beyond tolerance, a
“bad” doctor will not. Less thoughtful doctors will simply try to “barge through” the barriers.
If your doctor seems “hell-bent” on getting a non-emergency procedure done in their own
particular manner and timing, then you may have to prompt with some suggestions. Suggest
using “laughing gas” to reduce the anxiety before going ahead with the needle. Don’t worry if
your suggestion sounds silly. It could be a good one or it might be enough of a prompt to get the
health care providers to think of some workable alternatives.
No matter what, as a parent, you are the key to reducing your child’s anxiety and making their
world safer for them. Set up a plan to reduce anxiety and lower the fight or flight response. Plan
in advance for potential situations and have a plan to roll with anxiety when all the planning in
the world doesn’t prepare you or your child for an experience.
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Discover How to Become More Effective Parents
As new parents, we mostly start out with a fairly positive parenting style. Everybody knows that
babies cry a lot, so we’re more or less prepared for the initial onslaught. When it threatens to
overtake us, there’s often someone willing to help out, after all, babies are cute.
As time goes on, and the crying continues and the nappies get larger, it gets harder and harder
to get support. It’s hardly surprising that so many couples break up when their kids are in the
“terrible two’s”. It’s a very hard time for the whole family.
Luckily, just past the terrible two’s things start to get better rapidly. The worst is over… unless
you have a child with an ism. Then it could continue for several more years, or even indefinitely.
Watch Out for the Negative Spiral
Suddenly attitudes around you change. Your child’s defiance is no longer cute and their
outbursts actually do quite a bit of damage. Almost overnight, your child-minding options
disappear because suddenly your child is too much for anyone else to handle.
It’s these circumstances that cause family friction which can eventually devolve our parenting
styles into negative self-depreciating behaviour that helps nobody and simply increases stress in
the family. If you’re already in that spiral then the good news is that with a few changes, you can
take charge of your life once again.
Fatigue – Inhibits Effective Parents
First of all, it’s important to remember that we are all tired, whether it is because of a long day at
work, lack of sleep or general all-round irritation. Nobody functions well when they are tired,
parents don’t and neither do kids.
Consider Over-Stimulated Kids
In particular, don’t forget that if your child has an ism, there’s a good chance that their
environment is overstimulating them. Kids with isms may become overstimulated from lots of
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things including classroom noise, smells and even fluorescent lighting. It’s no wonder that
they’re tired and grumpy when they arrive home from school.
Avoid the Blame Game
It’s easy to blame the kids, your spouse, yourself or your wider family who won’t help out.
Assigning blame might make you feel better in the short term but it won’t resolve the problems or
improve your circumstances.
As the parent, you need to be the change that you need in your life.
Adjust Your Living Hours
If you’re tired, you need to try to align your “living hours” more closely with those of your kids.
Sure, maybe you used to be a night owl. You have to accept that those days are over – for the
next sixteen years at least.
Adjust Your TV Viewing
You might love television but now you’re going to have to pick and choose what you watch
because your viewing hours are going to have to shorten. Spending time sitting in or near your
child’s room while they fall asleep is more likely to help you (and them) relax, than watching TV.
Perhaps you could sit outside their room with a book or a magazine instead?
If your child goes to sleep, you’ll get time to yourself, so it’s worth investing an hour to make sure
that it happens. Leave your child alone at night and the hidden toys will come out – or they’ll
start to keep their siblings awake.
Consider Medications
You also have to remember that one of the most common side-effects of common medications
for kids with various isms is loss of sleep.
Remember, You are Number One
As parents, you need to look after yourself if you want to be the best parent that you can be for
your child – even if that means taking regular breaks from them.
Nap Time = Time Out
If you are a stay-at-home parent, you can use your child’s nap time to get some time-out for
yourself. This only lasts up to a certain age so after that, you need to find more creative ways to
get some time out.
Divide and Conquer
If you have a partner, then you, the primary caregiver, have a lot of opportunities that single
parents don’t have. In particular, you will either have time in the morning before your partner
goes to work or if they’re an “early worker”, you’ll have time in the afternoon when they get
home.
Either way, you need to grab that time and make it your own.
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Exercise for Endorphins
If your partner leaves at 7am, you may be tempted to sleep in (after all, you are tired). Don’t.
Instead use the time when your partner is home to do a morning walk or some other, preferably
out of the house, exercise.
You’d think that exercise would make you more tired but the truth is that once those endorphins
kick in, you’ll feel a whole lot better. After exercise, have a shower and spend a little time getting
yourself ready for the day.
Wake Up Earlier
I know parents who say that they struggle to get a 5 minute shower because as soon as they are
out of sight, their children are running amok. The solution for people with partners is usually to
get up earlier.
In fact, there’s no reason why your partner can’t get your child breakfasted and ready superearly – it’s far better than being late – and it might just help your child get to sleep at night.
Respect the Need for Breaks
If you’re a stay-at-home parent, then there’s a good chance that your main tasks are complete
once your kids are at school. All that is left is the plethora of house maintenance chores.
Break for Parents
Take a break before you engage the house. Do something that you enjoy. If you choose
something addictive like TV or computing, set a cap of 30 minutes, otherwise the whole day can
pass before you realise that you have other things to do.
Schedule an additional break 30 minutes before the kids are due home. That way you’ll feel
rested and more able to take on the challenges that come home with them.
Break for Kids
When the kids do get home, respect their need for a break. About 10-30 minutes should be
enough time for them to get changed and grab some food. Do not let them engage with
computers, tablets or television in this time, you need them to be focused – and those things are
addictive, particularly for kids with various isms.
Move into Homework Routine
Once the kids are settled, it’s homework time. If you struggle with homework, you might consider
splitting the homework time into two halves; one half for now and the other half for when the
other parent gets home.
Make the homework last a set period of time and be available for your kids during that time. This
reduces problems with kids rushing through their homework without trying – if they finish before
time, they have to “study”.
The cap also stops academically slower kids from having to spend hours doing their homework.
Just sign their homework at the point where they ran out of time and let the teachers know that
you capped it there.
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If your kids routinely disturb each-other during homework, you may have to put them in separate
rooms – or at worst, have them do their homework in separate stages.
Prepare the Evening Wind Down
After homework, you’ll probably want to give your kids some free time before and after dinner.
Unless they use that time for fighting, this is good as it will give you all a chance to relax.
Shut Down Electronics
Be sure to shut everything down just before bed and in particular, to collect all portable gaming
devices such as mobile phones, iPads, androids and gaming devices. Do not let your children
charge these devices in their rooms. Not only will they prevent them from sleeping but they are
also a major fire hazard when stored under pillows.
Quiet Reading
Finish the day with quiet reading for the last half hour before sleep. Doing this may help your
child to switch their focus from the problems of their day to fictional characters (which helps
sleep) and it may also reduce the amount of “gaming thinking” that goes on once they try to
sleep. Computer games are so addictive for kids with isms that they often go to bed thinking
about gaming problems and can’t sleep as a result.
You won’t necessarily have a perfect day by following these steps but you may find that it makes
things a whole lot easier.
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Uncover Anxiety with a Simple Game
All children are nervous, particularly on tougher days like the first day of school or a dentist
appointment. This is fairly normal but sometimes that nervousness spills over into abject terror.
It is not healthy for a child, indeed for anyone to be exposed to frequent “moments of terror”, this
can cause these moments to solidify from nervousness to anxiety
Anxiety – Beyond Harmless Fears
To the uninitiated, anxiety might seem to be a relatively “harmless” set of irrational fears which
you may presume that a child will eventually grow out of. However, that’s not necessarily the
case.
Anxiety is pervasive and if unchecked, it slowly spreads across other areas of your child’s
development. Anxious children can find it hard to maintain concentration at school. It affects not
only their grades but also their general levels of happiness at school.
In worse cases, anxiety causes kids to “escape” from the playground and either head home or
somewhere else to feel safe.
Get a Handle on your Child’s Anxiety
Asking kids directly about their anxieties usually doesn’t achieve a great deal. Kids generally
don’t want to talk about “their day” and particularly don’t like talking about the bits they dislike.
As a general rule, if anxiety is present, as a parent you’ll know- or at least suspect the areas
impacted by anxiety. You just need to ask some carefully worded questions to get the details.
Play for Answers to Anxiety
One of the best ways to to get a handle on your child’s anxiety is to make it a game.
To make it a game, ask each other questions about “What are you afraid of?”.
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Younger Children
For younger children, it’s best to get them to give a score out of three. For example,
1 is Not Scared
2 is I don’t know
3 is I am scared
Older Children
For older children, you can widen the scoring range to be out of five by including “a little bit
scary” and “very scary”.
How to Play
To play the game, take turns and ask the other person a question. For each question you get a
score, 1-3 or 1-5.
Start by asking your child some “fun” questions and move to more serious questions as the
game goes on. Remember to keep adding “fun” questions whenever your child is looking
disinterested.
You can end the game at any time. Establish an end point such as the first person to score 15
or 30 points ends the game. 15 to 30 points is the equivalent of choosing 5-10 “very scary”
items. Don’t drag the game out for too long because if it’s still fun when it ends, your child will be
keen to play it again another time.
Ideas for Fun Questions to Ask
How scary is….. For you?







Sully from Monsters Inc
Cookie Monster
Movies you may have watched together
Going down the slide at the park
Tigers
Harry Potter Movie
Accidentally going to school in your PJs
Ideas for Serious Questions to Ask
How scary is….. For you?
 People looking at you
 Water going down the plug hole in the bath tub
 Writing on blackboard/whiteboard in school
 Catching the bus for school
 Buying a doughnut by yourself
 Speaking in front of the class at school
 Making a mistake in front of the whole class at school
Be sure to mix things up a little to switch between serious and fun questions. By mixing it up
often, it will make it less obvious that you’re homing in on a particular topic.
Once you have a handle on the specific issues, you’ll be better placed to address them.
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Discipline: End the Cycle of Yelling
Some days, it seems as if yelling is just another tool in the endless arsenal of parenting
techniques for discipline, up there with spanking, bribery and sanctions.
We’ve all used these tools at one point or another and we’ve all had varying levels of success
with them.
Unfortunately, while negative feedback (punishment) is easy to deliver, it’s not actually very
effective in the long run.
Negative feedback can hurt you and your child physically and mentally – and it can affect your
relationship with your child, especially when, as is frequently the case, one parent has a much
lighter approach to discipline than the other.
Get a Handle on Your Yelling
In order to reduce your yelling and progress to more positive behaviours to achieve good
discipline, you first need to know what makes you yell. To do this, try to keep a log, or at least
recall the times when you are yelling.
Think about why you are doing it.





because the kids won’t acknowledge you?
because you think they can’t hear you?
to get the kids to hurry up?
to get the kids off video games?
because it makes you feel like they’ve “been punished”?
Yelling for Acknowledgement
Two of the most common reasons for yelling are to get your kids attention and “because you
don’t think that your kids can hear you.”
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Ultimately, you’re yelling for “acknowledgement” but if your kids have isms, there’s a pretty good
chance that they won’t know that – or they won’t know how to “acknowledge”.
It’s pretty common to see a parent yelling their kid’s name and see only a minimal reaction,
perhaps merely a glance, from the child.
In these cases, it’s clear that the child has heard their name being called but the adults
automatically assume that they are being ignored.
Shouting out a name is not an instruction any more than a tug on mother’s skirt in a crowded
shopping mall – and most parents have already taught their kids via their own dismissive
behaviour, that this kind of attention seeking behaviour won’t yield results.
So why then are we surprised when our kids ignore us?
Shout Instructions, Not Names
The other thing to remember is that kids with isms generally do not learn about behaviour
desired by others in the normal way. They don’t tend to rely on generalisations of past
experience to set current behaviour. Often they need to be told exactly what is needed.
They also tend to have their own patterns of behaviour which include reduced contact,
particularly in the area of eye contact.
Instead of simply shouting your child’s name over and over, give further instructions;
Instead of:
“John… Johny! John!!! JOHN!!!”
Try:
“John, I need you to put that game on pause and look at me”
In our house, when we call up to our kids upstairs, we say “I want to see your faces”. This works
surprisingly well.
Don’t assume that your child isn’t listening just because they’re not giving you the type of
attention you’re looking for. Ask your child to repeat what you just said – you may be surprised to
find that they’re listening.
Getting More Speed
If you’re finding that you need to shout to “hurry up” your kids then it’s worth considering whether
you’ve allowed enough time to get ready. Remember that kids take longer than adults to get
ready, kids with isms in particular.
Getting a shirt and pants on is easy for you if you’ve had thirty years of experience but for kids
with fine motor skill issues, things like buttons and ties in particular present their own special
problems.
Punishing Kids
Sometimes our sense of justice gets the better of us. Sometimes we don’t feel satisfied unless
we’ve served out justice.
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Punishing kids with shouting or violence might feel good at the time but it achieves very little
One thing that I frequently remind myself of is that the word “discipline” comes from the word
“disciple” which means teacher. If I’m applying “discipline”, I want to be sure that I’m teaching my
child better behaviour.
Shouting and hitting is very much the opposite. It’s teaching your child that people with power
can use negative persuasion to get others to do what they want. In other words, this type of
punishment teaches your kids that bullying is okay.
Of course, allowing your child to be “naughty” without consequences will teach bad behaviours
too.
The best course of action is to tie the consequences to the actions as much as possible.
Actions and Consequences are Teaching Tools
For example, if your child refuses to do their homework, reschedule it for later; “when dad gets
home” or tomorrow, if possible. If the refusal continues, you need to remove leisure time
activities as a form of discipline, such as computer games, access to wifi, etc.
If they have a sibling who is doing their homework, then one of the worst “punishments” is to
allow the siblings to have access to leisure time facilities (your child can “know” or “hear” but
don’t allow them to watch).
As soon as their work is done, you can allow them back to the devices immediately. Remember,
this isn’t about punishment, this is simply showing that the time needs to be used for chores or
schoolwork until their obligations are met.
Remind them that next time, they might be able to save themselves more leisure time by doing
their work at the earliest possible opportunity. It’s a great behaviour to learn and one that will
help them throughout life.
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Give Your Brain the Downtime it Needs – Set Devices Aside
Over the last ten or so years, there’s been a trend where the increasing mobility of devices has
led to greater dependence and constant communication. However, our brains are not getting
the downtime they need.
As someone who loves technology, I’ve always been a big supporter of this trend and it’s really
only been in the past few years that I’ve understood how destructive this really is.
Technology holds a lot of appeal for kids and adults with Isms for many reasons but particularly
because it allows conversations with reduced stress. Many people with Isms handle texting and
email far more effectively than they do “real-life” conversation.
Modern technology allows people to participate in group discussions without the stress of
sticking to all the social rules. It’s therefore not unexpected that people with Isms are among the
highest users of mobile technology.
There are three really significant ways that technology affects us negatively.
High Risk of Overuse Injuries
These used to be called Repetitive Strain Injuries (RSI). In technology circles, they’re caused by
constant use of the keyboard, mouse, joysticks/gamepads and thumb. The resulting injuries can
be quite painful and damaging in both short and long term – especially if they’re ignored.
People with Isms often have a higher pain threshold than those without. They can ignore certain
types of pain and may completely fail to notice others, particularly if they’re engaged in activities
related to a special interest.
This puts people with Isms in a high risk category for overuse injuries.
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The Lack of Downtime
Our minds and bodies need regular periods of “downtime” in order to function effectively. In the
past, mental downtime was more or less automatic simply because there was nothing to do
while waiting. People used to “zone out” waiting for the bus, while walking or at the very least,
when they were “taking care of business”.
These days, there is no respite and mobile devices have moved into all of these areas. Your
mind can’t rest because it is always being exposed to the onslaught of communications, status
updates, questions, games, media and general information overload.
With so much to occupy us, it’s little wonder that our attention spans are growing shorter and, I
suspect, there’s more than a casual link to the rise in mental disorders.
Once again, given that people with Isms frequently develop special interests around devices and
that they often favour systems which allow them to reduce their dependence upon interpersonal
communication, they are in the high risk group for device overuse.
Many Isms, and many medications associated with Isms, also have side effects which make
sleep difficult. When people with Isms can’t sleep, they often turn to their devices.
Lifestyle Impacts
You’d think that the general lifestyle effects are fairly obvious. Most people understand the risks
associated with obesity after all. These effects are far wider-ranging. There are are a lot more
general lifestyle effects beyond the obvious one.
Addiction
Fixations on devices often cause addiction problems, the results of which are extended device
usage, a “disengagement from life”, poor eating and hygiene, mental issues and increased
incidence of meltdowns. For example, meltdowns occur when games do unexpected things or
when external factors, such as family, intrude on game time.
People with Isms are especially susceptible to device addiction, and meltdowns.
Self Isolation
Other lifestyle effects include increased self-isolation, and reduced social abilities, something
that people with Isms struggle with even without device issues.
Withdrawal from physical activity has effects on core and general strength resulting in poor
posture and the increased likelihood of injury. Given that many people with Isms suffer from “low
muscle tone” and general “floppiness”, this again puts them in the high risk category.
And the Answer is…
There’s no perfect answer to these issues but if you or your children have Isms, you need to be
keeping tabs on the amount of time you spend on your devices and the amount of alternative
activities you schedule.
In particular, to give your brain the downtime it needs, set devices aside and…

Move About
Give your brain the downtime it needs and exercise! As simple as stand up and sit
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down at your desks, go for a walk or go to the gym.

Schedule Breaks
Schedule regular breaks to give your brain the downtime it needs. Take mental breaks
away from the devices, meditate or leave the devices at home sometimes.

Watch Your Posture
Watch your posture. Set alarms on your devices to remind you to check your posture.

Manage Mealtime
A perfect way to give the brain downtime is to take a time out and have proper meals at
the table and away from tech.

Get Social
Give your brain downtime from tech and spend time with people. Be sure to keep
working on your communication skills.

Reduce Stress
Be mindful of your mood and stress levels as they will signal when your brain needs
downtime. Try to be aware of when the devices are “stressing you out” and take a break
when you’re feeling frustrated by the device.

Get Your Zzz’s
Get decent amount of sleep. Don’t charge the devices in your bedroom where you’ll be
tempted.
In today’s society, you can’t fight devices. They’ve become an important part of our society and
they’re here to stay. You can, however, make sure that you make healthy choices related to your
use of them.
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Higher Education – Choose What Meets Your Child’s Needs
It seems today, that higher education values prestige over practicality. Only a generation ago,
kids who were performing poorly in academic settings were encouraged to leave school and find
a job.
Believe it or not, this “harsh” policy had some benefits. In the eighties, early leavers were in the
minority. The leavers had the lowest wages in business so employers were keen to take them
on.
Of course, these jobs were fairly temporary. They usually lasted for a couple of years until they
were old enough to warrant a wage increase, at which point they were usually “let go” in favour
of new (and cheaper) blood.
The effect of this was that there was a constant flow of early leavers from school. These leavers
would gain a couple of years of apprenticeship, or at least good quality “on the job” training and
experience. This training was something they could take with them as they moved on.
The government also had some good cash incentives for employers to take on people with
special needs.
Higher Education isn’t Always Better
These days there’s a school of thought that says that everyone needs to have a degree and
often more than one. If nothing else, kids are at the very least, encouraged to complete their
highschool education. This holds true even if they’re not receiving any real academic benefits
from their extended stay at school.
As parents, we really need to question whether these are the right choices for our kids. Sure,
leaving early closes a few doors. However, it does opens others.
Because of this overall mentality, employers will “cherry pick” the highschool leavers with the
highest scores. After all, the wages are the same, so why not make sure that you get the best
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value for your money?
However, this cherry picking means that the less academically inclined young adults will miss
out on job opportunities even if that academic knowledge is not a key requirement for the job.
Trade Schools may be More Suitable
It’s not just a matter of securing low-income on the job experience. Sometimes the kids who are
“better with their hands” will find that external specialist educational institutions such as technical
colleges, trade schools and “night school” are much better suited to their individual needs that
higher education such as college.
For example, a teenager who has a keen interest in cars but struggles with writing essays or
doing arithmetic will find that a mechanic trade course will be a better use of their time than
school subjects such as history, mathematics and art.
As a bonus, trade institutions usually work closely with workplaces and employment agencies to
provide job-specific training and in many cases, placement.
Some schools will even work with external institutions to provide partial training, with the external
subjects replacing parts of the school curriculum. This is a particularly good option if your teen
has friends at school that they don’t want to leave – and as a bonus, it gives them a good
chance to get their school leavers certificates.
Explore Micro Business Opportunities
As a parent, you need to weigh all the higher education options for your young adults.
Encourage them to make the choices which most closely align with their needs, interests and
abilities. The emphasis should not be on just those educational options which bring the greatest
“prestige”.
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Own Your Stress and Live More Peacefully
Over the years, I’ve read quite a few books on stress and I’ve heard the same phrase over and
over again – “we create our own stress”. I don’t think that I really appreciated what that meant
until recently.
At my workplace, we had a new position created. The newly created position had exactly the
same wording as my current title with a slight rearrangement of those words. My workplace
completely fumbled the timing of the release of the information. It was accidentally released
while I was out of the office dealing with a family medical issue.
When I returned, I was assured that my job was safe and that this was indeed a new position.
Unfortunately the circumstances surrounding the timing of the release and the similarity of the
names of the position, combined with the groundswell of political opinion at work, suggested
otherwise.
Worry Over Job Security
From there, I started to worry about my job security. I then began to worry about my ability to
provide for my family. In addition, I also started to worry that there was some kind of hidden
agenda. I then worried about how to ensure that I sent the right message back to my workplace.
The newly created position title made me feel like I was entitled to the job. I also felt that my
employers were keeping that position from me. I considered the frequent money issues at home
and my length of service at the company. I considered the several years of my wife’s prompting
to request a raise. I began to feel entitled to receive a raise.
A Move Out of the Comfort Zone
I’ve been working at this company for 16 years. I was quite comfortable there. However,
suddenly, I found myself applying for a another job. This job was under a boss I couldn’t relate
to. This job included some socially confronting duties that I wasn’t comfortable with.
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As a person with Asperger’s syndrome (and deafness which makes boardroom interactions very
difficult), I found myself trying to move out of my “comfort zone”. It put a huge amount of stress
on me, my family and my team at work.
I found that I couldn’t sleep. I began to hate work. All of my conversations felt tinged with
negativity and depression. As is common with Asperger’s, I’m prone to strong internal emotions
which aren’t always visible to those around me. I began having dark thoughts. Every time I
crossed the road I found myself thinking how much easier life would be if a car came along at
just the right time.
We Create Our Own Stress
Fortunately at that time, I happened to be reviewing a book on stress. This book was pushing
the whole idea that “we create our own stress”. In reading this book, I suddenly realised that I
didn’t actually want the new position! I did not want the added responsibility that came with it! I
could continue to live without a pay increase. I just needed to be a bit more frugal with
expenditure.
Put Happiness First
At home, I had quite a bit of trouble explaining my choice but eventually my wife understood my
desire to put happiness first. I contacted the job agency and thanked them for interviewing me. I
told them that I wanted to withdraw my application. They were more than a little surprised.
Work Through the Logic
Within hours, I began to feel better. I calmly worked through the logic of the situation. If my
workplace decided to make me redundant, I knew they’d have to pay me out. I now knew that I
was employable elsewhere. My recent experience had caused me to update the resume and
brush up on my interview skills. I’d also clarified, in my mind, the kind of job I’d like to do. If my
workplace decided to let me go, it would be their loss. If they decided to keep me, that’s good
too.
It’s true. I really was the master of my own stress and I was amazed at how one small decision,
could release so much anxiety. I’ve explained all of this to my children on the spectrum. It’s a
life lesson that I think they could benefit from too.
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Computing Technology – Keep it in a Shared Family Space
One of the stories I often amuse people with is the time that my, then seven year old with
autism, booked and paid for a wedding in another country. The whole package included flights,
accommodation and cars. The first we knew about it was when we received an invite! This is
when computing technology and kids can go awry!
Panicking, we asked him whose credit card had been used. He said that he started out just
using our phone number and kept changing digits until it got accepted.
It was then that I decided it was time to move the computers all into the one room. I told the kids
that it was to help with games and networking but really, security was my primary concern.
Keep Computing Technology Together
There’s a lot to be said for having all the computers in one room. For a start, home-grade wi-fi
tends to be flaky. Cabling the family computers together speeds things up considerably while
avoiding dropouts. It also reduces wi-fi bandwidth that is needed for fully wireless devices like
phones and iPads.
Best of all though, it keeps the computers and the family close where you, the parent, can keep
an eye or an ear on what is going on. It also ensures that your child can’t retreat to their
bedroom to play and must maintain a bit of family social presence even when they want to
spend hours on the computer.
Within hours of moving the computers together, I’d caught my son filling out an online
application for credit! He was trying to buy Lego on eBay. I’d also answered more questions
about tough topics than ever before – many of which I had to look up answers to. Moving the
computers together is a decision I’ve never regretted.
Protect Against Inappropriate Material in Computing Technology
As a parent, I’ve always tried to be open about things. The internet is so full of objectionable
material and ideas. I’ve always known that no matter how well I “net-nanny” things, the kids are
going to stumble across certain undesirable materials. It doesn’t help that my youngest, now 13,
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has become something of an expert at knocking over firewalls, cracking passwords and social
engineering.
The best that I can do is be open and approachable. Willing to explain whatever they discover
and to talk calmly about the reason that it is bad, inappropriate, downright impossible or at least
debatable.
Quite often, kids with isms don’t understand why certain things are inappropriate They may think
that they’re funny or they may bring these topics up in casual conversation. Acting shocked
about it simply encourages them to do it more.
I also have to be sure to educate my kids on the latest scams, personal digital protection and
social engineering tricks to ensure that nobody takes advantage of them. People with isms are
often described as naive and I believe that foreknowledge is the best protection.
Foster Safe Online Play with Computing Technology
While it’s scary for us adults, online play, particularly “play with chat” can be very useful for kids
with isms. These kids usually have difficulty making or keeping friendships “in real life”. Online
gaming and chats help to reduce the over-stimulation of real life conversations. Reading faces
and tones is less critical online and this tends to level the social playing field. It also helps that
many kids with isms seem to have an affinity for technology that is out of reach of those without.
Nevertheless, my kids have a habit of leaving cameras or microphones on! Then they get
changed in the same room. Yikes! I’m constantly reminding them that they need to shut those
things down when they’re not using them.
Avoid Addiction of Computing Technology
Computer addiction is very prevalent with kids with isms and bedtime can be a bit of a struggle.
If you find that your child is very tired in the mornings, search their room for “electronica” such as
iPads, phones and Gameboys.
Make it a rule that all devices need to be charged somewhere outside of the bedroom and set up
a proper charging station for them. You might need to go so far as to have a checklist to make
sure that all devices are charging in the proper assigned space. Make sure that your computer
room door is closed at night and that the kids can’t sneak in there once you go to bed.
Apart from the sleep problems that addiction causes, it’s also downright dangerous to sleep with
computing devices. You only need to think about Samsung’s exploding battery problems to
realise that.
You might also want to see if your Wi-Fi router allows you to split your Wi-Fi between a public
and private Wi-Fi. If it does, you can put your kids on the “public” one and leave the adults on the
private one (ie: with a different password). Making this adjustment will allow you to turn off the
public Wi-Fi without affecting the rest of the house, or perhaps even schedule a nightly
automated “turn off”.
Computing technology is very important for kids with isms and the benefits usually outweigh the
dangers. As the parent, you will often need to take steps to minimise these dangers. One of the
best ways to control it is to concentrate the technology in a shared family space.
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How Deaf People Listen – How You Can Help
I was getting breakfast at McDonalds this morning and I started thinking, “Perhaps if I explained
how, as a hearing impaired person, I was struggling with a situation, it could help people to
better interact with deaf people.”
In this particular case, I was sitting at a table with my breakfast, waiting for the barista to finish
making my coffee.
The screen with order numbers on it was broken. I was too far away to hear anything, so I was
carefully watching the barista’s lips for my number; “one one five” or the name of my coffee; “soy
mocha”.
I knew that my coffee was near because, as a deaf person, I collect as much visual evidence
from my surroundings as I can. There was a carton of soy milk on the counter, which to me
meant that it was time to watch extra closely.
In the end, she put a cup out and nobody claimed it. She said something that wasn’t my number
and I asked “soy mocha”? She replied, “yes”.
A second or two later, my brain finished processing her earlier words. She’d said “one-fifteen”,
which lip-reads entirely differently from “one-one-five”. Add to the challenge is that it was
spoken by a person for whom English is a second language. These are additional barriers for
deaf people – unusual traits, such as loose skin, partial facial paralysis or a tendency to speak
out of the side of their mouth.
The Clues Deaf People Use
I got my coffee, so it was a happy ending but it also reminded me that this was a “teachable
moment”. People who often interact with deaf people assume that lip reading is a precise
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science but it’s not.
Reading Lips
It’s important to realise that a person who is relying heavily on lip-reading has to go through the
process of mentally fitting dozens of combinations into your sentences. It takes a bit of time and
it means that we’re sometimes slow on the uptake.
Lip Reading Barriers
Accents, beards and lisps can significantly change the way that people speak. The vocabulary
used has a major impact and so does the context. A small change in the words we use can
mean a giant difference to a deaf person.
Finishing the Sentence
Siblings and married couples often finish each other’s sentences. For our partners, sometimes
it’s funny and sometimes it’s annoying but this is a critically important skill for deaf person.
Guessing the second half of a sentence based on the first makes it so much easier to keep up
with conversations. Unfortunately, as we become older and more experienced at this, we often
fall into the trap of speaking the second half of the sentence before they’ve finished speaking. It
can cause relationship issues.
Excuses for Deaf People
“What?” Only Goes So Far
One of the worst things for a deaf person is dealing with a person who is extremely difficult to
understand. You quickly learn as a child that asking “what?” all the time will make people angry,
so you start by varying your words; using What? Pardon? Huh? and Sorry? to try to keep things
“fresh”.
Limits and “Oh, OK”
You also realise that there’s a limit to the number of times that people will repeat things. In my
case, I draw the line at three. If I’ve asked someone to repeat something twice already, I’ll
generally give up on the third by saying “oh okay” which is often enough to make people go
away.
Sometimes it backfires. Sometimes people are asking me to do things that never get done.
Sometimes they’re telling me about something important, such as a death in the family. When
they’re expecting an empathetic response, “oh okay” doesn’t really work.
Repetition Not Always Key
One of things I wish we could teach people is that repeating the same phrase over and over
simply doesn’t make it any easier to hear. Changing the words will often make it much easier to
lip-read.
A Little More Context Please
Additionally, sometimes you have to give deaf people a little more context. For example, if
someone is in the middle of talking to me about a computer problem at work and then says, “my
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auntie died today”, I’ll struggle to convert those lipread words into something relevant to their
computer problem. It’s extremely difficult for deaf people to realise that you’ve “switched gears”
in the middle of a conversation.
Silver Bullets for Deaf People – Not
The final thing that is frustrating for a deaf person is when people ask me why I don’t just use
sign language or why I don’t wear hearing aids. It’s as if they think these things are silver bullets.
They’re not.
Sign Language
Sign language is only useful if both parties know it. It varies enough from place to place that it’s
not in any way “exact”.
Hearing Aids
Hearing aids serve to make things louder, not always clearer. If you experience problems with
specific frequencies or you can’t hear certain sounds like “S” and “PP, making it louder isn’t
going to help. It’s simply going to make all of the other sounds louder which is both annoying to
the deaf person and sometimes quite painful.
We’re deaf. We’ve lived with it all our lives. Trust us. We’ve tried these things and if we’re not
using them, then they’re not applicable to our personal situation.
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About Special-Ism
Special-Ism (http://special-ism.com/) was a publishing pioneer among the “invisible” special
needs industry from 2011 – 2018.
What is Special-Ism?
Special-Ism is an online publishing source chock full of professional blogs addressing the ‘Isms’
impacting children at home and in the classroom. Each and every article we publish features an
‘ism’ accompanied by professionally recommended solutions.
What is an “Ism”, you ask?
It is our coined term. It is synonymous with a “challenge”. Many children, with or without a
diagnostic label, experience various challenges throughout their developmental years which are
impacting them in the classroom and at home. At Special-Ism, the Ism is our focus. We do not
look at the diagnostic label, instead, we look at the Isms and offer solutions no matter the
diagnosis.
Special-Ism boasts an extensive library of practical solutions to help children reach their
potential. We strive to provide a variety of insights from clinical professionals to provide our
readership with insights to address an “Ism”.
At Special-Ism, we are a unique online publishing source that offers content marketing to clinical
professionals while supporting the readership seeking solutions to the isms.
Special Online Promotional Platform for Clinical Professionals
Special-Ism has grown into a powerful online presence with continued, unprecedented growth
each month. We put clinical professionals front and center to their niche market. It is our
mission to help increase the online presence of our team of writers. Join our team of writers and
tap into our incredible readership to increase your online presence and authority!
Special-Ism works for our team of writers to help them develop and maintain a strong social
media presence. By offering our writers a high traffic article marketing platform, we help
clinicians increase the efficiency of their online efforts. Our high traffic platform helps our writer’s
published content to be discovered, leading to increased return of online time investment in the
most efficient style.
Supporting Our Amazing Readers
Our goal is to help our readership find solutions to the isms children may experience. We
proudly boast a wide variety of clinical professionals sharing insights to help children reach their
full potential. We showcase products and resources to help support various isms. We are
grateful to those who share our insightful articles via social media. As our traffic grows each
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month, our hearts grow a bit bigger because we know that more and more children will reach
their potential!
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