Social Media: The Silent Killer of Romantic Relationships
Katsiaryna Buchko
251092401
December 6, 2022
Social Media: The Silent Killer of Romantic Relationships
The episode “Nosedive” of acclaimed science fiction series Black Mirror depicts a
society in which individuals’ lives and wellbeing are dictated by a social media rating. Despite
seeming dystopian in nature, the premise of this fictional storyline may hit closer to home than
many of us care to admit. In today’s technologically-dense climate, social media holds legitimate
power to affect our mental health, emotional wellbeing, and consequentially, our social
relationships. The term social media constitutes a wide spectrum of networks, apps, and
websites, ranging from dating apps (e.g., Tinder), to photo and video sharing sites (e.g.,
Instagram). Each social media platform is unique in its features and practices (which are, one
might add, constantly evolving), and the user experience is made even more unique considering
the relevant subjective and cultural contexts in which use occurs (Parry et al., 2022). Thus, it is
difficult to deem social media as inherently good or bad. However, considering that there are
4.62 billion social media users worldwide (DataReportal, 2022), it would be senseless to ignore
the role of social media use in our interpersonal interactions with others.
A particularly interesting interaction when discussing effects of social media is that of
romantic relationships. Many of us are in a romantic relationship, have been in one, or hope to be
in one, making this topic both interesting and relevant. In fact, a study by Sorokowski and
colleagues (2017) have found that being in love positively influences reproductive success,
suggesting that humans have evolved to fall in love and create romantic bonds with each other.
This evolutionary aspect of love and romance further suggests that romantic relationships are
essential to our overall wellbeing as a species, so investigating the factors that may lead to their
demise is equally as important.
While social networks provide unique and positive opportunities for relationship
formation (e.g., dating apps allow relationships to form across distance and cultures), research
has suggested that there is a net negative effect on the welfare of committed, romantic,
monogamous relationships. Those familiar with TikTok may recall “Couch Guy”, a young man
scrutinized and accused of infidelity as a result of a passionless reaction to a surprise visit from
his long-distance girlfriend caught on video. This is just one of many examples of how short, and
often out-of-context portrayals of the self and personal relationships on social media may be
negatively perceived. Even if our personal relationships are not the direct target of such social
ridicule, many of us observe and play into the toxic culture of social media due to the highly
public nature of these platforms. The negative impact of social media use on romantic
relationships can be explained by breaking it down into three core arguments. First, and most
fundamental, is that consistent use of social media increases jealousy and exacerbates existing
jealousy between romantic partners. Secondly, excessive social media use poses a distractor that
may diminish the quantity and quality of time spent together, impacting relationship satisfaction.
Finally, social media provides access to increased available alternatives, threatening the stability
of the relationship and decreasing commitment. Overall, the interaction or accumulation of these
three factors has a likelihood of bringing a romantic relationship to a dissolution. To support this
argument, I will be going over key studies within the research field of romantic relationships.
Jealousy
Jealousy, or as it is otherwise known, the green-eyed monster, is an unpleasant, yet
natural emotion. Regardless of the stability of a relationship, jealousy can get to the best of us. A
lingering glance at someone other than the primary partner, or a flirty comment can be enough to
send a person into a spiral of envy and insecurity. Where such subtle signs of disregard for one’s
relationship (even if unintentional) were once in our control and kept private, the development of
social media sites has opened up our lives to the public. Networks such as Facebook, Instagram,
TikTok and Snapchat provide and promote easy access to others’ information and activity.
Anyone who is a user of any of the aforementioned social platforms knows the damage a single
misplaced ‘like’ on another’s picture can do to a relationship’s stability. In today’s social
climate, a like or comment is a currency, where affording it to the wrong individuals can cause
serious damage to both personal relationships and personal feelings of self-worth.
A study done by Muise and colleagues (2009) examined the relationship between the
time spent on Facebook and jealousy in committed relationships. Using a survey, these authors
collected measures of time spent on Facebook and personal accounts of experienced jealousy.
They developed their own scale to measure this idea of “Facebook jealousy” (jealousy that arises
from use of Facebook). They found that there was a significant association between time spent
on Facebook and jealousy-related feelings. Interestingly, these results accounted for baseline
levels of jealousy and self-esteem attributed to personality. In other words, the jealousy these
participants felt from using Facebook and seeing their partner’s activity on Facebook had
nothing to do with how jealous they were as a person. Participants in this study emphasized that
Facebook creates a problem when there really isn’t one: “It definitely invokes a false sense of
jealousy”, or “I have enough confidence in her to know my partner is faithful, yet I can’t help but
second-guess myself when someone posts on her wall” (Muise et al., 2009). We can see from
this evidence that social media like Facebook exposes individuals to a greater amount of
jealousy-provoking information about their partner, that in the real world would not be so
accessible. Moreover, this study has shown that these jealousy-provoking interactions are often
ambiguous and may lack appropriate context. For instance, the term friend on Facebook has a
broad meaning and is open to interpretation by the viewer. This can trigger a number of
unhealthy behaviours such as persistent surveillance and spying on the online activities of one’s
partner. Consistently monitoring social media has also been found to foster negative social
comparison to a partner’s exes or potential alternatives (Frampton & Fox, 2018). Although this
study does not delve into how such jealousy can directly affect the relationship, we can assume
that this vicious cycle can hurt the mental health of both partners and cause issues on either side
of the relationship. On one hand, the ‘perpetrator’ can become defensive and closed off to their
significant other if they uncover their activities are being watched. On the other hand, the
‘surveyor’ may become withdrawn from the relationship, experience low self esteem, or even
retaliate, initiating yet another toxic cycle.
To establish whether social media induced jealousy actually has a negative effect on the
relationship, we can turn to an article by Clayton and colleagues (2013). Similar to that of Muise
et al., this study used a sample of Facebook users, surveying them on their relationship status,
Facebook use, and Facebook-related relationship outcomes. Unsurprisingly, the results showed
that Facebook usage predicted Facebook-related conflict (e.g., having an argument with your
partner about viewing others’ profiles on Facebook), and this conflict predicted negative
relationship outcomes. Cheating (emotional and physical), break-up, and divorce were all found
to be associated with Facebook use, moderated by jealousy-induced conflict.
Given the rapidly evolving nature of social media networks, many of you might be
thinking, who even uses Facebook anymore? Most established and peer reviewed studies on the
effects of social media are from the 2000s and early 2010s, when Facebook ruled the internet.
Although there is limited supporting evidence for negative effects of other, more modern
platforms (e.g., Instagram), we can assume that the jealousy effects are similar, if not the same.
Instagram is reminiscent of Facebook in its features such as photo and video sharing, liking and
commenting, and easy, open access to others’ online activity. These shared features provide
users very similar opportunities to engage in monitoring of others, which may lead to feelings of
jealousy.
Interestingly, jealousy may also arise when one’s partner spends more time on social
media than on their relationship. When interactions with social media become a compulsory
habit and overtake one’s personal life, it becomes a problem. In fact, this has become such a
widespread phenomenon that it has received a formal name, known as “Facebook intrusion”
(Elphinston & Noller, 2011). In the next paragraph, I will discuss the epidemic of Facebook
intrusion and associated “technoferences” that often plague romantic relationships.
“Technoference” in Relationships
The aforementioned “technoferences”, as coined by McDaniel and Coyne (2016), refer to
the everyday technological intrusions in couple interactions or time spent together. To
conceptualize the impact of these intrusions, imagine for a second how you would feel if, during
an intimate dinner with your partner, they checked their phone every five minutes rather than
devoting all their attention to you. Guaranteed, this would detract from the quality of the time
spent with your partner. It is clear that technology has invaded our everyday lives to an extent
where majority of us spend at least as much time with our phones as we do with our loved ones.
Evidence supports this claim, showing that individuals struggle to control their use of technology
in face-to-face interactions even if they do not experience pathological levels of technology use
(e.g., Lang & Jarvenpaa, 2005; Middleton & Cukier, 2006). Given the sheer amount of people
who use social media, we can assume that a large portion of screen time is allotted to checking
social networks.
In order to understand how exactly these technoferences impact our romantic
relationships, we first have to look at Rusbult’s (1980) Investment Model. According to Rusbult,
satisfaction level, comparison with alternatives, and degree of investment maintain commitment
in relationships. Here, we will focus on satisfaction level and investment size. Strong feelings of
commitment arise when individuals feel high relational satisfaction and feel that both they and
their partner have substantially invested into the relationship. These investments include, but are
not limited to, money, effort, and happy memories. One way in which we feel our partner is
putting in effort and maintaining happy memories is through quality time and attentiveness.
When a person cannot put down their phone long enough to have a conversation with their
significant other, they fail to invest adequate time and attention into the relationship, decreasing
overall relationship satisfaction (Abbasi & Alghamdi, 2018). The accumulation of these
technoferences then leads to a decline in relationship commitment, which is when relational
issues may begin.
This idea is supported by a study that once again used a survey method to measure
Facebook intrusion and infidelity-related behaviours among couples that were either casually
dating, in a committed relationship, or married (Abbasi, 2019). Their results showed that
excessive social media use (they included a variety of social media, not just Facebook) was
significantly associated with infidelity behaviours related to social media. An example of such a
behaviour is messaging an old ex over Snapchat. This connection can be explained once again
through the Investment Model; time spent with online friends is traded off for time that could
have been spent with the significant other (Abbasi, 2019). Moreover, the authors found that this
relationship is stronger in younger people. This makes sense, as older people are typically less
familiar with and less inclined to use new technology and networks.
To look more in depth at the specific feelings that result in decreased commitment in
response to a partner’s social media dependence, we can turn to Nongpong and
Charoensukmongkol’s (2016) study. These authors found that individuals who perceived that
their partners used social media excessively tended to report a higher perceived lack of caring,
loneliness, and jealousy. It’s important to keep in mind here that this relationship only exists
when people feel that they use social media less intensively than their partners. In the second part
of the study, it was uncovered that perceived lack of caring was the only one of the three factors
to predict whether or not the individual would intend to break up with their partner. We can once
again relate a lack of caring back to Rusbult’s Investment Model. A perceived lack of caring
from the partner can be perceived as a broader lack of investment into the relationship,
diminishing both satisfaction and commitment.
Now, you may ask yourself: why would a person stay in a relationship in which they feel
both dissatisfied, and uncommitted? The short answer here is, they don’t. According to the
Investment Model, once an individual loses a sense of commitment to the relationship, they open
themselves up to alternatives (Rusbult, 1980). Active interest in alternatives apart from the
primary partner can lead to infidelity or the dissolution of a relationship. Not only is this interest
exacerbated by the partner’s social media dependence, but the seeking of alternatives is also
made easier on social networks where information is easily accessible.
Increased Threat of Available Alternatives
In the case of relationships, an alternative is not limited to being other possible romantic
partners or relationships. In fact, being single is another example of an alternative that often
seems more appealing to individuals who are looking for a break from commitment all together.
Returning to the Investment Model, we can now direct our attention to the third factor:
comparison with alternatives. As proposed by Rusbult (1980), commitment curbs interest in
potential alternatives because the current romantic partner is perceived as satisfying relationship
needs and is seen as irreplaceable. However, once satisfaction decreases (e.g., when
technoferences consistently interrupt quality couple time), alternatives are suddenly seen as more
attractive and able to fulfill relationship needs to the same extent (if not more) than the existing
partner. In short, the current partner is now compared to the alternatives. A theory that
supplements these ideas is Thibault and Kelley’s (1959) Interdependence Theory. Similarly, this
theory proposes that individuals assess satisfaction levels in their relationship by weighing costs
and rewards while also using comparison levels. These are expectations for what an ideal
relationship is (based on others’ or past relationships), as well as expectations for alternatives.
When both comparison levels exceed the perceived rewards of the relationship, we can expect
low relationship satisfaction. In other words, you are not getting what you think you deserve, and
you believe an alternative partner can better meet your expectations. This scenario explains what
happens when a partner begins to withdraw due to excessive social media use. The satisfaction
level decreases, and you begin to look toward available alternatives because you believe you
deserve more.
In a sort of feedback loop, pursuing of alternatives further weakens relationship
commitment. This claim is supported by a study that found that addiction to social media sites is
inversely related to relationship commitment (Abbasi, 2019). This means that as social media use
increases, commitment decreases. As we all know, social media has the unique power to grant us
just about any information at the click of a button. Meaning, we have the ability to see, meet, and
form relationships with a vast number of individuals who we otherwise would not have access to.
In line with this, social media has been found to be one of the top methods which people use to
connect with alternative romantic partners (Drouin et al., 2014). Not only are there more
alternatives online, but these alternatives also have the option to be carefully selective with what
they present online, curating an ideal image. This includes only presenting highly attractive and
desirable images, doctoring photos, and posting pictures with others to emphasize social
popularity (which can also contribute to perceived attractiveness).
These ideal self-presentations can have two possible outcomes, both of which have
subsequent negative effects on the current romantic relationship. First, increased use of social
media can lead to pursual of these romantic alternatives, resulting in infidelity (Abbasi, 2019). In
most cases, this would bring the romantic relationship to an end. Conversely, an individual may
resist pursuing alternatives, but instead survey their options, becoming enamored with ‘perfect’
representations of what their partner could be. This typically leads to a disillusionment with the
primary relationship, as one can expect disappointment when these ideal, fabricated expectations
are not met in the real world. This once again reflects the Investment Model, as individuals tend
to use comparison levels to assess the quality of their current relationship. In the case of social
media however, such a comparison becomes wholly unrealistic. Thus, this outcome too may lead
to relationship dissolution, or at the very least, dissatisfaction. Evidence of this is seen in several
studies on romantic relationships (e.g., Reizer & Hetsroni, 2014; De Lenne et al., 2019).
Conclusion
Based on existing evidence, there is undoubtedly a very real capacity of social media to
exert negative effects on romantic relationships. However, we must consider the abovementioned arguments with a grain of salt. Firstly, it is important to account for the fact that all of
the studies presented in this review, and in fact most studies concerning social media and
romance, use samples consisting of heterosexual, monogamous couples. Although we can infer
that effects such as jealousy may be muted in polyamorous relationships, we cannot rule out the
possibility that social media may have negative effects on these kinds of relationships as well.
Further, we must keep in mind that each and every relationship is unique in its dynamics; what
affects one couple to an extreme may leave another untouched. In this way, relationships are
difficult to study and even more difficult to generalize to the broader population. Despite these
caveats, this review conceptualizes the possible dangers of social media within existing
relationship frameworks. We have seen that through increased jealousy, diminished quality and
quantity of time spent together, and increased threat of alternatives, social media can slowly and
silently kill relationships (if given the opportunity). While this does not make social media an
evil entity, I write this review in hopes of making everyone aware of how easy it is to fall prey to
its influence.
References
Abbasi, I. S., & Alghamdi, N. G. (2018). The pursuit of romantic alternatives online: Social
media friends as potential alternatives. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 44(1), 16-28.
Abbasi, I. S. (2019). Social media addiction in romantic relationships: Does user's age influence
vulnerability to social media infidelity?. Personality and Individual Differences, 139,
277-280.
Abbasi, I. S. (2019). Social media and committed relationships: What factors make our romantic
relationship vulnerable?. Social Science Computer Review, 37(3), 425-434.
Clayton, R. B., Nagurney, A., & Smith, J. R. (2013). Cheating, breakup, and divorce: Is
Facebook use to blame?. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 16(10),
717-720.
DataReportal (2022). “Digital 2022 Global Digital Overview”, retrieved from
https://datareportal.com/reports/digital-2022-global-overview-report
De Lenne, O., Wittevronghel, L., Vandenbosch, L., & Eggermont, S. (2019). Romantic
relationship commitment and the threat of alternatives on social media. Personal
Relationships, 26(4), 680-693.
Drouin, M., Miller, D. A., & Dibble, J. L. (2014). Ignore your partners’ current Facebook
friends; beware the ones they add!. Computers in Human Behavior, 35, 483-488.
Elphinston, R. A., & Noller, P. (2011). Time to face it! Facebook intrusion and the implications
for romantic jealousy and relationship satisfaction. Cyberpsychology, behavior, and
social networking, 14(11), 631-635.
Frampton, J. R., & Fox, J. (2018). Social media’s role in romantic partners’ retroactive jealousy:
Social comparison, uncertainty, and information seeking. Social Media+ Society, 4(3),
2056305118800317.
Lang, K. R., & Jarvenpaa, S. (2005). Managing the paradoxes of mobile technology. Information
systems management, 22(4), 7-23.
McDaniel, B. T., & Coyne, S. M. (2016). “Technoference”: The interference of technology in
couple relationships and implications for women’s personal and relational wellbeing. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 5(1), 85.
Middleton, C. A., & Cukier, W. (2006). Is mobile email functional or dysfunctional? Two
perspectives on mobile email usage. European Journal of Information Systems, 15(3),
252-260.
Muise, A., Christofides, E., & Desmarais, S. (2009). More information than you ever wanted:
Does Facebook bring out the green-eyed monster of jealousy?. CyberPsychology &
behavior, 12(4), 441-444.
Nongpong, S., & Charoensukmongkol, P. (2016). I don’t care much as long as I am also on
Facebook: Impacts of social media use of both partners on romantic relationship
problems. The Family Journal, 24(4), 351-358.
Parry, D. A., Fisher, J. T., Mieczkowski, H., Sewall, C. J., & Davidson, B. I. (2021). Social
media and well-being: A methodological perspective. Current Opinion in Psychology.
Reizer, A., & Hetsroni, A. (2014). Media exposure and romantic relationship quality: A slippery
slope?. Psychological Reports, 114(1), 231-249.
Rusbult, C. E. (1980). Commitment and satisfaction in romantic associations: A test of the
investment model. Journal of experimental social psychology, 16(2), 172-186.
Sorokowski, P., Sorokowska, A., Butovskaya, M., Karwowski, M., Groyecka, A., Wojciszke, B.,
& Pawłowski, B. (2017). Love influences reproductive success in humans. Frontiers in
Psychology, 8, 1922.
Thibaut, J. W., & Kelley, H. H. (1959). The social psychology of groups. New York, NY: Wiley.