What you need to know about 12 Step Meetings
Here is some basic information about 12 Step meetings. What to do, how to share, different types of
meetings and how to find one that’s good for you.
Be on Time - Although all are welcome, it’s respectful to arrive at the meeting on time. You’ll never be
asked to leave if you’re late, but showing up late is old behavior. Do the best you can to make it on time
and to not disturb the meeting.
Or better yet – be early! - Come early and get to know the people at the meeting. Help with set up or
coffee. There’s no better way to build connections and friendships in the recovery community. It will also
begin to make you feel at home in the meeting.
Be of service – Taking a service position at your home group will help you to feel some ownership towards
the group. It allows us to feel like we really belong, something that a lot of us have a hard time with.
Cell phones should be silenced – Really. Cell phones need to be left in the car, put on silent or turned off at
the beginning of the meeting. If you receive an important phone call you should take it outside, but this
should be avoided if possible. Do not answer the phone or text in the meeting. It’s distracting and
disrespectful.
Try not to get up during the meeting - It is also considered rude to get up once the meeting begins. If you
need to get coffee, go to the bathroom, or smoke, do it before the meeting begins. People moving around
can be very distracting to those who are sharing. Most meetings do not permit crosstalk, or directly
addressing the comments of others. Instead, shares should be confined to the topic at hand and how it
relates to your own experience. If crosstalk is permitted the chairperson will say so at the beginning of the
meeting.
Don’t talk during the meeting – unless you are sharing, please don’t talk during the meeting.
Prioritize listening over sharing - First and foremost it is a sign of humility for the newcomer to prioritize
listening over sharing. New members generally know very little about living a healthy, sober life and the
only way to learn from the experience of others is to listen to them.
Sharing – What’s appropriate and what isn’t. Some guidelines:
Time Constraints - It’s important to limit your shares to a few minutes. Some meetings offer a
timekeeper, who’ll notify you when your time is up. Keeping your shares limited to around 3
minutes allows everyone to have the same chance to share. Plus, after 3 minutes we are generally
repeating ourselves or trying to tie everything we’ve said together. Both are unnecessary. Don’t be
afraid to just stop once you’ve made your point.
When you share - Talk about your experience and what you are learning rather than what you
know. The first is an act of humility and the second can be an act of ego. Plus it reminds you that
you need to be learning and gaining new experiences with the steps all the time.
Don’t spend a lot of time on war stories. Refrain from mentioning specific drugs or tell overly
detailed “war stories” (“drunkalogues” or “drugalogues”); it can make others in the meeting
uncomfortable if specific drugs or excessive details are mentioned, and there is no solution to be
found in talking only about the problem. We all have them and talking about using won’t help
anyone stay sober, which is the entire point of sharing.
A 12 step meeting is not a dumping ground – a 12 step meeting is not group therapy, it’s a place
to discuss how we are practicing the principals of 12 step recovery on the events in our lives.
If you feel like you REALLY need to share – you might want to talk with someone one-on-one
instead. Doing a 5th step in a monologue format during a meeting might bring a little relief, but we
are generally better served by talking to someone who can give us feedback and share their
experience, strength and hope with us so that we might better know how to apply the steps to our
current situation. You can share in a general way about what’s troubling you as long as you
remember to ask for anyone with experience to come speak with you after the meeting.
Don’t comment on other people’s shares or talk directly to someone in the meeting – this is called
crosstalk and is generally frowned upon
Anonymity - This one might be kind of obvious, but twelve-step meetings are anonymous! They’re for
alcoholics and addicts to come together and share honestly. We need to be comfortable enough to talk
about what happened, what life was like, and what life is like now. Don’t talk outside the rooms about
people you’ve seen or things you’ve heard. Everyone should be respected and left anonymous.
The Seventh Tradition - the 7th Tradition states that groups should be fully self-supporting and decline
outside contributions. This allows twelve-step groups to carry the message the way it was intended,
without the influence of outside people or organizations. It is customary to put a contribution in the basket
if you can afford to, but it is not required, nor it is appropriate for a visitor (or newcomer in the first thirty
days of recovery,
F.A.Q.
Do I have to talk? No. You will never be forced to share. If you are asked, you can decline. Not sharing at
your first (or first few) meetings is fine and normal! It gives you time to feel comfortable and get
acquainted with how the meeting flows. You are free to wait until the time feels right for you.
How do I know what to do? Different meetings have different ways of doing things. If you are new to the
group, your best bet is to sit back and watch and listen the first time or two you go. You can also ask a
regular about the traditions at that particular meeting.
What do I look for in a good meeting? There are two basic approached to a meeting. The first is a group of
people who gather together to share their common problem. It’s often a huge relief to realize that I am not
the only person who has done or felt the things I have. The problem with this type of meeting is that it
doesn’t generate a lot of hope for a better life. Sharing the problem will only get me so far.
The other type of meeting is a group of people who gather to share their common solution. In this type of
meeting members discuss how they are actively applying the steps and principals of the program to the
challenges in their life. There aren’t a lot of war stories because everyone is too b usy talking about the
solution to linger in the problem.
Are there different kinds of 12 step meetings? Absolutely. In fact, almost every meeting has it’s own flavor.
There are two basic types of 12 step meetings – open and closed.
Open meetings - Anyone (whether they identify as an alcoholic or addict) is welcome at an open
meeting. Oftentimes family members or students will come and observe at this type of meeting.
Closed meetings – Only people who identify as an alcoholic can attend closed AA meetings. Only
people who identify as addicts can attend closed NA/CA/HA, etc… meetings. The idea is that a
closed meeting only has members of the fellowship. Meetings are generally marked open or closed
in the meeting schedule.
Big Book/Step Study meetings –This type of meeting is based on studying the Bik Book or 12x12. It’s a
good idea to bring your own books.
Open Discussion meetings - In these meetings someone brings a topic (hopefully out of the Big Book or
other appropriate 12 step literature) and then people share on that topic for the rest of the meeting.
Speaker Meetings – This type of meeting typically involves one person telling their story for the entire
meeting.
Gender-Specific meetings – There are men’s meetings, women’s meetings, LBGTQ meetings… You name it,
there is probably a meeting set up to support and subgroup of addicts and alcoholics. These can be very
helpful because oftentimes (especially in early recovery) it can be harder to share openly and honestly in a
mixed meeting than in a group-specific meeting. Those new in recovery are encouraged to make a genderspecific meeting a part of their regular meeting schedule if they can.
Different meetings are different - Some meetings unofficially orient themselves toward specific subgroups
of society. Political conservatives may find one meeting better while liberals are attracted to another. Blue
collar, white collar, young, old, redneck, hipster… they are all out there. Anyone is welcome at any meeting,
but all meetings are different. It’s important that you find a home group that feels right for you. Someplace
you can find recovery and make friends. Creating friendships is crucial to sustaining sobriety. If I’m looking
forward to seeing my friends I’m more likely to go to the meeting.
Clubhouse meetings and independent meetings – Some meetings take place in clubhouses. These are
buildings that are specifically dedicated to hosting meetings. Some clubhouses host their own meetings at
different times throughout the day and others rent space for independent groups to hold their meetings.
Other meetings can take place in church basements, coffee shops – anywhere really (I once attended a
meeting at an auto shop after hours). Independent meetings generally have more service opportunities
than clubhouse meetings.
Before and After the Meeting - AA meetings generally begin and end on time. Depending on the particular
group, its size and location, some people usually arrive early and socialize before the meeting actually
begins. After the meeting officially concludes there is usually a period of time during which people hold
individual or small group conversations about various program and non-program related topics. These
before-and-after times can be especially anxious times for the newcomer, who usually doesn't know
anybody and who may be extremely self-conscious merely as a result of finding himself in a new and
unfamiliar situation. The only way to make this go away is to di it until you get comfortable. It may be hard,
but it’s worth it. Being a part of the fellowship before and after the meeting can greatly improve my odds of
staying engaged with my recovery and staying sober.