I’ve always been uncertain about what I “wanted to do when I grow up”. I remember
thinking about being a musician or journalist at a young age. I was really good at math so I
thought the logical job for me was an engineer or something of the sort. Then I realized I didn’t
enjoy math and I didn’t want to be a musician and I wasn’t sure I wanted to be in journalism. At
this point I had realized I was interested in the film industry and had looked at career
opportunities, but I wasn’t certain if that’s what I wanted to do.
So, I went through your bog-standard period of teenage ennui. I wasn’t sure what my
options were and was reeling from some events in my life. I constantly thought about what I
wanted to do and I couldn’t figure it out even though I knew what it wasn’t. As I was flouncing
around like this, I realized how much I had been absorbing the culture of film and filmmaking
into my everyday life. I watched YouTubers like Lindsay Ellis, Every Frame A Painting, Folding
Ideas, Movies with Mikey, and Patrick Willems, absorbing massive amounts of information from
them. It intrigued me and at that point I realized that’s what I wanted to do
Once I realized I wanted to be a filmmaker I had another wave of uncertainty. If I’m
going to be an artist, then what am I going to talk about? I know it has to be something–everyone
is talking about something, I’d learned that from all the YouTube videos–but I wasn’t sure what
it could be. I thought about it a lot and the idea of not having a thesis in my works and just style
scared me. When I thought about that I realized those feelings are because I come from a very
artistically intelligent family that’s always critical and often judgemental (or at least that’s how a
teenager feels). So I thought maybe I could make movies about that, a family that doesn’t
understand their son, but then I thought how unoriginal that would be and I was uncertain again.
Even though I was unsure what it’d be about, I still had to write a script for my short. I
knew a setting I wanted it in and I had moments I wanted to hit, but I was uncertain about the
rest. I wrote a script shaped around the ideas I had and filled in the holes with whatever. It wasn’t
until it was done that I realized that the short was about uncertainty. It was about the uncertainty
of your place at work, the uncertainty of continuing on with something past the time you loved it,
and the uncertainty of friendships. The short is obviously about me, but it wasn’t until I wrote it
that I was able to put those feelings into words. A feeling of uncertainty.
So now I’m certain about my uncertainty. The stories I want to tell are those about being
in a constant state of worriedness. Worried about the world and the nation, worried about my
friends and family, worried about all kinds of things. It makes sense, in retrospect, because that’s
what I am. I’m a nervous person when I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m uncomfortable in
scenarios where I’m not sure what my place is. Once I know my place I can be present and even
boisterous, but it takes me a long time to get there and even that has slipped away as I’ve grown.
However, I am excited by the progress I’ve made in recognizing myself and the possibilities I
have moving forward
Other than philosophically, I have discovered my style in movie making. I like a wide
shot with details that holds for a long time. I like camera movement, but don’t want it to become
too showy without having a purpose. I like, but can’t write, fast and witty dialogue. I hate quick
cut action, but I enjoy some CGI spectacle. I want to know all the rules of filmmaking so that I
know when to break them, but mostly just so I can look professional. I want nicer gear for the
same reason and I’m uncertain whether that’s why I should want those things. I am at the stage
where the whole world is open to me, but it feels like doors are closing fast. Still, I’m really
excited to take my next few steps.
I want to end on some stories about my relationship to the medium and I know everyone
is going to talk about how much they love movies but I couldn’t help it. Probably an indictment
on my creative process; I never want to throw away what I think is good. So here you go: When I
was one-and-a-half I could go to a movie theater, sit down, have some popcorn, suck my thumb,
and watch a movie. The craziest thing is I would be completely silent which was notable because
I was an insanely loud baby. Movies are probably the most personal connection I have with my
Mom, who I would sit at home and watch all the Star Wars movies (well, just the original trilogy,
in my household my older brother brother had dubbed Attack of the Clones, Attack of the
Clowns) leading to me having a profound connection to those movies and my Mother through
those movies that last to this day. There is something magical in the way a movie can connect on
such a primal level to everyone. Using visuals, sound, acting, music, effects, and more to tell a
story and having an audience that just understands is awe-inspiring and I really, desperately,
want to become a part of that tradition.