Skills Assignment
Basic leads and responses Restatement and Reflection Communication is often not a simple
matter. Sometimes, words come so fast and easily that we have responses formulated in our
heads before we hear the client’s full message. Most of us would like to improve the odds that
we really do accurately interpret clients’ messages when they talk to us. There are many hints to
aid us in listening to clients. We will deal with two methods in this exercise.
1. Restatement of ideas. Make a simple statement in your own words telling the client what
you heard him or her say. This helps to be sure that you and the client are talking about
the same thing.
Example: Client: I don’t think I can go back home tonight—just too many heavy problems
for me to handle. Counselor: You don’t think you can face what’s at home.
2. Reflection of feelings. Reflecting feelings means sending the client a message that
confirms your understanding of what the client must be feeling. In that way you let the
client know you heard him or her and give the client a chance to correct or clarify (you
may have received half the message but not all of it). Reflective listening also helps the
client see the basis for his or her behavior.
Example: Client: My boss really chewed me out in front of my friends last night.
Counselor: Sounds like it really embarrassed you. To help you learn to make appropriate
responses that contain both restatement and reflection, do the following practice sheet. Do the
exercise as directed on the sheet without consulting anyone else. Then obtain feedback from
others as the directions indicate.
DIRECTIONS: In your own words, write a restatement and a reflection of the client’s
statement.
Client’s Statement
1. When he says those hateful things to me, I wish I could die.
Counselor’s Restatement
Counselor’s Reflection
Client’s Statement
2. I don’t need her, and I frankly I don’t think I need counseling. She’s the one with
problems.
Counselor’s Restatement
Counselor’s Reflection
Client’s Statement
3. You’re so wonderful. Nobody else understands me, but you do. I think I love you.
Counselor’s Restatement
Counselor’s Reflection
Client’s Statement
4. Life is like a box of chocolates you never know what you are going to get. Isn’t that kind of
the way it is with you?
Counselor’s Restatement
Counselor’s Reflection
Open-Ended Questions Asking open-ended questions does not guarantee that every client will
respond with full statements. The purpose of this exercise is to help you become aware of how
you state your questions so that you can get fuller, deeper levels of response. Decide whether the
following counselor questions are closed- or open-ended. Fill in the responses below.
1. Do you have a girlfriend?
2. Tell me about your family.
3. How old are you?
4. How did that happen?
5. When will you go?
6. Tell me about school.
7. What happened next?
8. Isn’t that a silly choice?
Change the following closed-ended questions to open-ended questions.
1. How long have you been out of work?
2. Can I help?
3. Did you like that?
4. Are you angry with me?
5. Do you have to hit Sally every time you get drunk?
Owning Feelings
Owned Message
Practice The following exercise is designed to let you try out owning your own feelings and
expressing them in responses that indicate that you are doing so. We call such messages “I”
messages. When we disown a feeling, we usually give someone else the responsibility for it and
begin statements with words that refer outside ourselves, such as they, you, people, the experts,
the police chief, the principal, your mother, and God. Fill in the worksheet below.
DIRECTIONS: Read the client situation in the first statement. Examine the disowned message in
the second statement. Then write an “I” message that indicates you take responsibility for your
feelings. The purpose is not to resolve the problem but rather to communicate that you are aware
of your feelings and are being honest about them at this moment.
Situation
Client has been sulking and acting sad all session.
Disowned Message Come on, now. Stop moping around. Life isn’t that bad.
Owned Message
Situation
Macho man brags about beating wife. He has just responded, “Women need to be kept in
control.”
Disowned Message Well, I wonder if you’d do that to the Raider linebackers.
Owned Message
Situation
People complain about client’s body odor.
Client’s underarm deodorant has failed miserably (it’s bothering you, too).
Disowned Message
James, have you ever, ah, considered that it might be something more than what you believe is
your dull personality that’s keeping people away from you?
Owned Message