Grief and Children Ideas Drawing or coloring pictures of a loved one who has passed away and identifying what they will miss most about the individual Developing rituals with the family to help a child honor a loved one’s memory, such as deciding how to honor a loved one’s birthday after the person has passed away Reading books about grief and loss together with a counselor Talking about all the emotions that stem from grief Developing strategies to deal with sadness drawing, talking to a friend, looking at pictures, or hugging a stuffed animal Identifying strategies to deal with fear, such as the fear of losing another loved one Creating a scrapbook of their favorite memories with their loved one Ask the child to draw good and bad memories of the person who has died and share the drawings with others. Photographs as therapy: Ask the child to show photographs of their loved one, describe keepsakes to others and develop a memory scrapbook. Ask a child who feels despaired about their loss to fantasize how life might look if they were not so sad. Write or draw heart notes of gratitude for people in your family or your friends. In your note, express the ways each person has encouraged, inspired, supported, or cared for you. Help your child identify how they are feeling and think about tools they can use to manage feelings. Use this handout as a template. Create a “mailbox” or jar where children can write (or draw) any questions/comments/feelings they are having on a piece of paper. This piece of paper gets put it into the box and gets discussed at a family meeting that happens at the same time each day/week (etc.). Encourage journaling. Starting with a prompt can be helpful: I wonder...I wish...I hope... o The thing that makes me feel the saddest is... o Since the death, my family doesn’t... o If I could change things, I would... o After the death, school has been... o When I am alone... Create a coping chain that helps the child identify what support they need when feeling a certain way. Grounding Take ten slow breaths o Using pinwheels or bubbles to practice deep breathing can be helpful for younger children. Engage the senses and bring attention to: o 5 things you can see o 4 things you can hear o 3 things you can touch o 2 things you can smell o 1 thing you can taste Help children find items from A to Z around the room. Find something that begins with A, then B, then C and so forth. Mirroring activity: Take turns with your child pretending you are a mime and follow each other’s actions. Some ideas to start with may be waving your hands back and forth, bringing a finger to your nose, or touching hands to your toes. Movement 1. Create a family playlist and dance to music together. 2. Throw soft wet objects – for example, paper, sponges, or balloons – at an outside wall. 3. Stomp on the ground or on bubble wrap. 4. Rip up some paper. Optionally, you can write on the paper first – for example, you can put down things the child is mad about. This can also be done with a balloon: blow it up, write on it, and allow the child to stomp on it. 5. Offer movement activities and ways to express big feelings. Remembering Carry in your pocket a small memento that reminds you of your loved one. Create jewelry with the loved one’s name on it or inside it. Create and bury a time capsule Create a memory box to store special keepsakes in. Create a remembrance flower Symptoms and Coping Anger Adults can help children learn to express anger in constructive ways so that it does not evolve into depression or out-of-control rage. Let them vent anger physically: Allow children to dissipate anger by running, exercising, scribbling on paper, ripping paper, singing or sculpting clay. Ask questions when anger is not peaking wait until anger's intensity has waned to ask children about their anger. Ask open-ended questions, such as “What usually leads to your feeling angry?” “How does your body tell you that you are becoming angry?” Examining anger this way can diminish the intensity of the emotion and give the child a sense of control by learning what triggers an angry response. Let the child come up solutions for dealing with anger. Ask the child what he/she thinks are more appropriate ways of responding to angry feelings. Maintaining household rules and chores increases a sense of normalcy and security for a grieving child. Guilt and Regrets Some children have regrets about certain aspects of their relationship with the person who has died. They might regret things that did not happen or were not said while they had the time. Examples might be: “I never told my mother I loved her,” “I lied to my father and never told him the truth,” “I was mad at my mom the day she died,” “I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye.” Write a letter to a loved one: Ask the child to describe the "unfinished business" that worries them, or to write a note about why he or she feels guilty. Tie the note to a helium balloon and release it into the sky, or burn it in a bonfire and let the smoke and ashes rise to the sky. Fears It is important to help fearful children identify specifically what scares them, and then to address each fear individually. Children who are fearful generally need repetitive reassurance that they will be OK. A parent or other significant adult should spend alone time and focused time with a grieving child, reassuring them that they are special and loved. Physical Complaints Grief can manifest itself physically in children, perhaps as headaches or stomach aches. When a grieving child routinely complains of physical symptoms, gently ask what other feelings he/she may be having. Even if children do not disclose their emotions right away, they might begin to make the connection between emotions and how their body is reacting. If a child's physical complaints mirror those of the deceased, remind the child in words he or she can understand why the death happened.
