Loneliness: And How to Completely Kill It
by: ultra#7843
Chapter 1:
What If I Told You That You Can Be Alone And Not Feel Lonely?
“If you are never alone, you cannot know yourself.” – Paulo Coelho
Who the fuck goes out and does things on their own? Only loners do that, is what I
thought for the longest time. It’s an expectation that if you go out, you should have
someone by your side. Since that was the way I thought for years, I would rely on the free
time of my friends and loved ones to have fun. But as a result, I noticed that I was really
dissatisfied with life.
As the people I cared about grew older, they began to have busier lives. While this
saddened me, I tried my very best to spend time with them. Though, it eventually got to a
point where 90% of the time, they were just too busy to hangout. Nothing felt more
lonely than that.
Instead of inquiring over and over again, only to get the same response, I eventually
stopped altogether. At the time, I had little motivation to go out and would just spend
hours on my computer, wasting away. Sure I had a bunch of discord friends - that I
created meaningful relationships with - but I wasn’t connected to reality. My existence
was confined to the boundaries of my room.
It goes without saying, but living life this way SUCKED. Nothing about it was fulfilling
and I could feel it in my bones. I constantly felt like there was more that I needed to be
doing. But I didn’t know what.
After a lot of pondering, I came to a really important revelation. I realized that loneliness
is nothing more than a flawed perspective. A defeatist mindset that only leads to
unhappiness and inaction.
Because I claimed that I was lonely, I deprived myself of doing the things that I truly
wanted. Instead of going to that movie I was craving to watch, I decided not to go
because my friends were all occupied with work. Rather than relaxing at the beach, I
chose not to go because everyone canceled on me.
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Now, I know you’re probably thinking “Why don’t you just wait it out and go when your
friends are available?” That’s a really fair question to ask. But let me ask you this; are
you guaranteed to wake up tomorrow? Do you think that just because you’re young, you
can’t die at any second?
The obvious answer to both of those questions is no. Waiting for something to happen is
tantamount to taking life for granted. Every moment that you take a breath could be your
last, so why waste it doing nothing?
So, this brings us to the ULTIMATE question. How could one possibly be alone and not
feel lonely? That’s by following what your heart truly desires. And NO, I don’t mean
giving in to meaningless pleasure. Following your heart means doing things that truly
matter to you.
You’re not going to gain much value from things like watching porn, masturbating,
playing video games or scrolling through social media. You will, however, gain so much
more satisfaction doing the things that are important to you.
Of course though, that differs from person to person. In my case, I love to help people,
explore new places and create things. Right now, as I write this short e-book, I am
following my heart. Not only will I be helping the people who read this gain a new
perspective, but I am creating something that is wholly mine. Nothing is more fulfilling
than that.
Leading your life in a way that’s unrestricted and unreliant on the spare time of others is
SO FREEING. It makes life that much more exciting. The world is your playground
when you don’t give in to loneliness.
But before I end this section off, I want to highlight that YOU SHOULD still hang out
with your friends whenever they’re available. The mistake I made was not contacting
them at all because they would often be busy. Now, instead of moping in my room
whenever they say they’re all booked up, I take action and do what I truly want.
With this simple change, I went from constantly feeling lonely to being happy being in
my own company.
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Chapter 2:
You Can Start Leading A Lonely-Free Life Today!
“You cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with.” – Wayne Dyer
I’m going to tell you this right away. Doing things alone can be VERY
uncomfortable. The first time I attempted “hanging out” with myself, I was consumed
with anxiety. My heart almost seemed like it was going to beat out of my chest. All I
could think about was if people were judging me. Why is this dude walking around
alone? Why is he going around taking pictures? He must really have no friends.
It was thoughts like these that plagued my mind throughout the experience. Though, after
a certain point, I decided to stop giving them power. Instead, I placed my focus into what
I truly wanted to do. And that was to explore the beautiful city of Montreal and improve
my photography skills.
The moment I shifted my attention to something more important, my genuine desires, the
experience COMPLETELY shifted. I felt like an excited child, who was ready to explore
a new world.
Thanks to this newfound curiosity, I had an amazing day. I came across a local band that
was playing some fantastic music, I talked to some random people along the way and
even found some cool shops!
With this one life-changing experience, I’ve come to know how valuable it is to spend
time alone. Not only can you find new places to invite friends/potential dates to, but you
can even eliminate any chance of being bored or lonely ever again. Think about this.
How could you EVER be lonely if you enjoy your own company? It’s impossible.
Now that we have my whole backstory out of the way, let’s get to the meat and potatoes
of this chapter. I want to show you how to lead a LONELY-FREE life. But first, let’s start
with a little exercise:
Grab your journal or pull out a piece of paper. Write 5 things that you want to achieve in
life and 5 things that you’re passionate about. Once you’re done, try writing down how
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doing these things would improve your life. Take as much time as you need to write these
and get into as much detail as possible.
The goal of this exercise is to 1) establish what excites you the most about life, and 2)
give you the motivation you need to start doing these things. Sure, I can provide you with
a list of things you can do on your own, but that’s not as personal. What works for me,
might not work for you.
So then, how are you supposed to spend time with yourself? Let me give some examples
to illustrate this. Say for instance that your goal in life is to help people. Get off your ass,
head into an area that is bustling with homeless people and help them out. Whether that’d
be giving them money or food, anything helps. If you’re not so well off yourself, you can
- at the very least - chat with them. Trust me, they’ll appreciate talking to someone, as
will you.
Or maybe you’re a food buff, and passionate about the culinary arts. What’s stopping you
from going into that restaurant you’ve always wanted to try, and stuffing your face with
some delicious food? How about learning to cook new recipes?
You might even dream of traveling to new countries and experiencing different cultures.
But you can’t do that on your own, right? Right? Wrong.
Anything you want to do, can be done without the presence of another. It’s when you
realize this that your life COMPLETELY changes. Whether or not someone joins you on
the journey that is life becomes irrelevant. While it’s definitely nice to share your life
with someone special, it’s even better to acknowledge that you have yourself. That’s
incredibly empowering.
Now, if you’re still completely lost on what it is that you want to do, don’t fret. I am still
going to provide general examples that you can start practicing TODAY!
● Journaling (I know you’ve probably heard this millions of times but hear me out.)
Oftentimes, why it’s so comforting to be around other people, is that we don’t have to
think about our troubles very much. While that distraction can be valuable, it can also be
very destructive.
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Instead of pushing away your thoughts, you can accept them. You can do this by writing
them down and acknowledging that they are a part of you. No need to run away from
them.
While journaling has tons of benefits, it will affect you in two very important ways. First,
it will aid you in processing your emotional trauma. If you’re someone who experiences
racing thoughts, simply writing them down will give you some mental clarity. That
mental clarity is important if you want to see things for how they truly are.
Second, it will allow you to develop yourself even further. By being more conscious of
how you feel, you’ll be more aware of what it is that you want. And when you know
exactly what you want, you’ll be more likely to take action. That is what will lead you to
true happiness.
● Take a solo walk (Yep, this is a pretty simple one.)
Nothing beats going for a walk and fully taking in your surroundings without distraction.
Even though it’s great to stroll around with someone and have an intimate conversation,
it’s equally as great to appreciate the beauty of what’s around you.
I mean it. Get out, walk around and pay attention to the minutest of details. What colors
stand out to you? Are there any smells in the air? How does the wind feel on your skin?
What kind of sounds are you hearing? Are there any birds or animals that catch your eye?
What color(s) are they? Do they have any interesting patterns? Be curious and investigate
the things that you would take no heed of.
Since loneliness makes life feel so dull, taking an interest in your surroundings makes it
feel much more vibrant. If you don’t believe me, try it. You’ll see that paying attention to
the smallest details can make the mundane feel exciting. And if life excites you, you’re
bound to feel happier.
● Take yourself out somewhere (Literally anywhere.)
How many times have you gone out on your own, without any plans to meet up with
someone? The answer is more than likely never. The absolute best way to get
comfortable being in your own company is to go anywhere alone.
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Is there maybe an event going on in your city that you’re curious to see? Check it out on
your own. Was there possibly a hiking trail near you that you always wanted to visit? Go
and traverse it. Are there any touristy areas you haven’t visited because you’re a native?
You get the drill.
What I’m trying to etch into your mind here is that if you want to go anywhere, you can
go on your own. It doesn’t matter if the people around you are busy, because you have the
time to enjoy yourself.
● Be your own best friend (You can, in fact, be best friends with yourself.)
You’re not good enough. You’ll never be successful. You’re disgusting. I hate you. Don’t
these thoughts sound kind of familiar? No, I wasn’t quoting a cheesy highschool bully
from an early 2000s movie here. These are thoughts you’ve probably had or encountered
a variation of.
They all revolve around one central thing. Being so brutal to yourself that it’s almost
demoralizing. But why do we feel the need to do this to ourselves? Is it because if we
don’t, we’ll never improve? Or maybe we assume that the people around us share our
negative thoughts, so they are therefore valuable? To cut this short, people will give so
many justifications as to why it’s okay to bash themselves into the ground. Let me
illustrate why it’s not. Bear with me.
You’re with your friend Jeffrey, who you’ve known for a long time. While he’s a great
person with tons of redeeming qualities, he has a lot to improve upon. He’s addicted to
playing video games and barely does anything of value with his time. You know he has
boundless potential and you’d like to see him thrive, but he’s currently on the wrong path.
You decide to tell him about your concerns. Do you A) Tell him that he’s a lazy piece of
shit, isn’t going anywhere in life and he disgusts you or B) Slowly ease into the topic and
gently explain to him that he would be much more satisfied if he played less video games
and had more valuable pursuits?
If you genuinely chose A, then here’s how things would probably go down. Jeffrey would
either become really sad and insecure at the harsh comment, or get defensive and brush
the criticism off completely. What did you accomplish? Nothing. If anything you ruined
your rapport with him by being insulting. On the other hand, if you chose B, you’d have a
much better success rate at changing his mind.
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It’s a given but no one likes being insulted. Although, if you criticize someone in a way
that shows that you care, you’ll be far more likely to resonate with them. Here’s a sample
of how you can do this: This has been bothering me lately. Because I care about you a lot
and want to see you at your best, I was thinking that…
To hit even harder, end the constructive criticism with some positive reinforcement. As
an example, you can say things like I know you’re a strong person who can overcome
this, or You have so much potential and I truly believe in you. You can’t imagine how
much it means to someone when you not only want the best for them, but see their
strengths as well.
So, how does all of this relate to being your own best friend? Well, if you wouldn’t be
disgustingly harsh to your close friends, why should you do so with yourself? There is
absolutely no reason to be mean to yourself, other than because it’s easy to do. It takes no
effort to pick apart your flaws and hate them. It’s a lot more difficult to see your
shortcomings and treat them with respect and care.
Now, so you know exactly how to be your own best friend, let me make it crystal clear.
Treat yourself how you’d want others to treat you. No one likes to be shamed, belittled or
hated. But everyone likes being complimented, heard and understood. Make sure that you
compliment yourself on a daily basis, even if it’s on the same thing. Ensure that you’re
listening to what your heart desires and doing what brings you fulfillment. If you feel like
you’re on the wrong path, gently call yourself out on it. Also, try to pay attention to your
emotions and what is bothering you. You’ll understand yourself far more and know how
to deal with it.
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Chapter 3:
How These Practices Will Change You:
“Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.” – May Sarton
I know there’s at least one person out there who’s thinking What kind of benefits
can I expect if I do any of what I just read? Let’s just say, there’s a lot to cover.
What you should ultimately expect out of this though, is a healthy relationship… with
yourself! But why is that needed? Well, let me ask you this. When was the last time that
you genuinely wanted to spend time with yourself? Most people won’t have any
examples to look back on or will have very few.
The first step towards improving this is to admit that being alone makes you
uncomfortable. Sure, it’s normal to be afraid of being in solitude, but it’s not as bad as
you think. Even though it might be painful to confront your inner self, doing so will
change your life FOREVER.
Let me give you two scenarios to illustrate this. You’re currently going through a really
challenging time in your life. Thoughts race through your mind like an F1 Car and you’re
extremely overwhelmed. Unsure of what to do, you decide to alleviate the anxiety by
spending time with your loved ones. You enjoy spending quality time with them and start
feeling slightly better. Fast forward to later on when you’re inevitably alone with
yourself, you can’t help but feel the same amount of pain. You’re confused as to why
nothing is helping and feel hopeless.
Now, let’s get to the second scenario. Let’s assume you’re going through the exact same
issue as in the first one, but this time, you deal with it differently. Instead of going
straight into what I like to call the “I need to distract myself” mode, you go into solitude.
You decide to find a nice quiet place to sit down, you pull out your journal and start
venting about what’s bothering you. As you write, you swell up with emotion and it feels
uncomfortable, but you push through it anyway. After you’re done writing, you give
yourself a moment to close your eyes, take some deep breaths and feel the pain you’re
experiencing. You become aware of the parts in your body that feel uncomfortable and
acknowledge that these feelings are a part of you. Later, after some intimate time alone
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with yourself, you feel some inner peace. The thoughts seemed to have slowed down and
you feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.
So let’s take a moment to analyze this. In the first scenario, while it’s great that you had
the intention to spend time with the people you care about, you didn’t give yourself time
to grieve through the pain you were experiencing. As a result, once the distractions were
gone, you felt like almost nothing had changed. On the other hand, in the second one, you
took the time to face yourself and embrace the pain you were feeling. Rather than push it
away, you let it wash over you. Thanks to this, the pain fizzled away and you felt at
peace.
This is one of the biggest benefits of spending quality time with yourself. You not only
become more self-sufficient, but develop a great sense of inner peace. If you’ve ever
experienced a state of peace, you know how intoxicating it can be. Striving for this on a
daily basis will inevitably lead to a happier life.
With all this being said, I want to make one thing very clear. I still believe that you should
reach out and spend time with others when times get rough. That support is extremely
vital to your recovery. However, it becomes problematic when you don’t try to confront
your emotions first, and instead use others to distract yourself from the pain. As long as
you’re facing the things that bother you on a daily basis, it’s encouraged to seek out
external help.
Next, I’d like to mention something I learned from my therapist about solitude that
absolutely blew my mind. By simply spending more time with yourself, you can
completely change how you act in every relationship.
Generally speaking, people will get into relationships (platonic or romantic) expecting
something from the other person. They quite literally feel like a puzzle with missing
pieces, unless they have other people in their lives. That’s what we call a person who’s
lonely. They believe that they are incomplete, unless they have someone to care for them.
On the contrary, those who become accustomed to spending time alone eventually realize
that someone already cares for them. Themself. Once you come to the realization that you
can rely on yourself, hang out with yourself and even push yourself to do better, any
chance of being lonely will be eliminated.
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Now, once you get into any kind of relationship, you’ll no longer EXPECT something
from the other person, but you’ll be SHARING something with them. And what you’ll be
giving them is your truest self in all of its glory.
While there are so many other benefits to list out, I wanted to keep this little e-book as
concise and precise as possible. Instead of wasting too much of your time, I wanted to
make sure that you get started on this ASAP! I promise that if you spend more quality
time alone, your enjoyment of life will change drastically.
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Conclusion:
A New Chapter.
“Don’t worry about finding your soulmate. Find yourself” – Jason Evert
Your days of needing others for happiness are over. You CAN become someone
who enjoys their own company. You WILL learn to love yourself because you’re
awesome. You ARE someone with boundless potential. You WANT to enjoy life to the
fullest.
But, I don’t need to tell you this… You KNOW that these things are true.
The fact that you’re reading this means you’re one step closer to finding who you truly
are. It’s only a matter of time before you realize how amazing it is to spend time with
yourself.
I believe that you’ll get there man. It’s only a matter of time.
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