“Resolving Everyday Conflict” by Ken Sande
Book Evaluation of “Resolving Everyday Conflict”
Ken Sande (Author)
Steve Giordano
MS Program Cumberland University
MSP 5030 Leadership and Conflict Resolution
Dr. Sheridan Henson
July 28, 2022
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“Resolving Everyday Conflict” by Ken Sande
Overview of Resolving Everyday Conflict
Resolving Everyday Conflict concentrates on Christian faith-based values to resolve
conflict in everyday life. The author compares religious values following the scripture and
readings from the bible. In comparison, the book spends time speaking about combining faithbased values and resolving everyday conflict. I was surprised by how much of my faith,
demeanor, and attitude towards resolving conflict I use. No matter what religion, faith, or values
a person believes, the correlation between the two is a productive formula, within reason, to
resolve any type of conflict. While reading the book, I noticed I use many of the beliefs outlined
in the book in my everyday life.
In contrast, the book sided with reverting back to religious directions and ministries to
resolve complex conflict issues. Turning the other cheek does not work in every conflict or
disagreement. When conflict leads to physical encounters and personal harm to others, turning
the other cheek is not the right course of action. Although forgiveness is useful for moving on in
some cases, there are few cases where forgiveness is difficult to give. The book referenced a
woman who recognized a Nazi guard at the concentration camp while shopping years later after
the war was over. The woman could not overcome the vision of the atrocities that happened at
the camp. She brought herself to shake his has and forgave him for what he did. The woman felt
a sense of peace after shaking his hand. Most people would not react as the woman did by
shaking the guard’s hand, but for her, it helped with her healing process and to forgive and
forget. The book spent too much time on the religious aspect and not on the process of solving
conflict without the influence of God in the process.
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“Resolving Everyday Conflict” by Ken Sande
The Peacemaker’s response to Resolving Everyday Conflict
The book outlined several useful tools for resolving conflict using faith-based guidelines
for everyday use. It also mentioned how to apply God’s practical steps to become a peacemaker.
One peacemaker response is four important questions called the four G’s. They are as follows:
G1: Go Higher: How can I focus on God in a particular situation? When conflict heats
up, God usually is the last thing on our minds. We consume ourselves with how the person
wronged us and how to hurt we feel. Before we run off in rage take a step back and think, “how
can I please God” in this situation.
For me, I like to take a step back and reflect on the situation, then come up with a fresh
solution to the situation. Look at the other side of the apple from the other person’s point of
view. Get all the facts first then present a fresh solution to the problem. Think about the question
“is this even worth fighting over?” or “what are the facts that lead up to the problem”.
G2: Get Real: Own your part of a conflict. The book reverts to God’s principle of
honesty and trust. One quote from the book is “Lord, please open my eyes so I can see how I
have contributed to the problem”. The book mentions two kinds of faults. One is our thoughts
and feelings, and the other is thoughts or outward actions. Almost all of us have overly sensitive
attitudes, so we are offended by others’ behaviors in certain instances.
Under “Get Real” the book talks about the seven A’s of a good confession. They are as
follows:
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“Resolving Everyday Conflict” by Ken Sande
1) Address everyone involved, real confession starts when you admit your
mistake/behavior to everyone directly impacted by it.
2) Avoid “if”’, “but”, and “maybe”, all the words negate the confession. Better words
used in a sentence are “perhaps”, and “possibly”. The word “but” negates everything
you said before it.
3) Admit Specifically, the more detail you provide when you confess, the more you will
receive a positive reaction/response.
4) Acknowledge the hurt, when you want someone to respond positively to a
confession then acknowledge the hurt you caused to the individual.
5) Accept the consequences, accept the penalty for your actions.
6) Alter your behavior and commit to not repeating the wrong.
7) Ask for forgiveness (and allow time), talk through the steps with the person you
offended, and ask if they are willing to forgive you.
G3: Gently Engage: Getting face to face with others is the best way to meet when
resolving conflict. Good listening skills are important as you address the conflict. It shows you
don’t have all the answers and are willing to hear the other side of the story. Before your
meeting carefully plan what, you are going to say. It can make a difference between a calm
discussion and a hostile one.
G4: Get Together: This is the point where you forgive the person who wronged you and
arrives at a reasonable conclusion for both parties. The book mentions how forgiveness is a very
powerful tool. It opens the possibility of fully healing from the pain of the conflict.
What is forgiveness: Forgiveness is a feeling. It’s a decision not to hold an offense
against the offender. To forgive means “to let go”, “release”, or “remit”. There are two
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“Resolving Everyday Conflict” by Ken Sande
components of forgiveness: A heart component and a “transitional” or relational component. The
heart component is an attitude or disposition between you and spiritual followings. What is the
right thing to do or what is your heart telling you to do? It’s an unconditional commitment you
make with God to love one another. The second is the traditional component which happens
between both parties in the conflict. Think of it as the transactional link between both parties to
acknowledge the wrongdoing and forgive the actions if you were wronged. An attitude of
forgiveness is real. Both components the heart and traditional component are both necessary to
achieve true forgiveness.
The four promises of forgiveness are:
1) “I promise I won’t dwell on this incident.”
2) “I promise I won’t bring up this incident and use it against you.”
3) “I promise I won’t talk to others about this incident.”
4) “I promise I won’t allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our personal
relationship.”
Future Applications: Resolving Everyday Conflict is a book that blends the spiritual
(God) influence and practical ways of resolving conflict. It is a book that challenged my thought
process, thinking about using “the right thing to do” and “opening my heart” to resolving
conflict. I liked the four G’s as an alternate process, evaluating my experience and past mistakes
in resolving conflict using a spiritual overview.
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Book Comparison
The Peacemaker: Handling Conflict without Fighting Back or Running Away by Ken San.
Strengths: The book has a similar structure and resolves as “Resolving Everyday
Conflict” but with a different directional twist on how to overcome conflict. It preaches the
same biblical similarities between the teaching of God’s rules and how to apply them to
everyday conflict either personally or in business. The author refers to a “slippery slope” as an
ability to be a peacemaker. A hill is covered with ice, on the left side are called the escape
responses, 1. Denial, 2. Flight, and 3. Suicide. On the right side called the attack response is 1.
Assault, 2. Litigation, 3. Physical. The top of the slippery slope is the balance
Weaknesses: The book took a dramatic turn into a religious overview of everyday
conflict. Everything is God’s will where the church is concerned. If you follow the gospel of
God, every conflict should be resolved in a peaceful manner.
The 3rd Alternative. Solving Life's Most Difficult Problems by Stephen R. Covey
Strengths: One of the best 3rd Alternatives in the book is concerning conflicts being
two-sided. The 1st Alternative is “my way”, and the 2nd Alternative is “your way”. Using a
synergistic approach, we can rationalize the 3rd approach as an alternative called “our way”
which is a better way to resolve conflict. The book is a wealth of knowledge giving 3rd
Alternative examples from paradigm shifts or at work, at home, at home, in society, and more.
The book is a wealth of Ideas to ponder.
Weakness: The book gives you so much information it’s hard to keep the overlapping
concepts straight. The best way to say it is “my toolbox fell over and I’m not sure if I can find
the wrench.” For me, it was an application issue.
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Understanding Conflict and Conflict Analysis by Ho-Won Jeong 2008
Strength: This book I found very fascinating. It had so much great information for both
conflict strategy and application. The book was very technical but tied information (the facts)
and conflict resolution together. It got into topics like escalating and deescalating conflict.
Topics like System of Conflict Dynamics. The reason why situations happen. In comparison to
Resolving Everyday Conflict, it took the religious aspect out of the equation and applied factbased procedures.
Weakness: After a while the book got bogged down in factual procedures, minimizing
the “gut” decisions and maximizing formulas and processes for resolving conflict.
Becoming a Conflict Competent Leader by Runde, Craig E.
Strength: This is a great book on how an organization can manage conflict effectively. The
book and authors outline Conflict Competency, or the four skill sets required to be conflict
competent. They are as follows:

Understanding the dynamics of conflict.

Understanding his or her own reactions to conflict.

Fostering constructive responses to conflict (and reducing destructive responses).

Creating a conflict-competent organization.
In comparison to the book Resolving Everyday Conflict, the topics covered are similar but leave
out the religious aspect. Even though both procedures mentioned in the book accomplished the
same objective, this book managed the resolving conflict from the point of view of the business,
company or corporation. How to deal with employee conflict. The author reviews what and why
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of conflict competent leaders, conflict dynamics, self-awareness, self-control, destructive conflict
responses, and how to build conflict components in your organization.
Weakness: The book only covers workplace procedures and strategies. Although you
could use some of the processes in your personal life.
Capitalizing On Conflict: Strategies and Practices for Turning Conflict to Synergy in
Organizations by Kirk Blackard.
Strengths: The book talks about Conflict between individuals, the conflict between an
individual and the organization, and conflict between groups of employees. The dynamics are
very different, dealing with conflict in a group setting versus an individual. In most groups,
leaders arise to the top and others tend to follow. The book does a great job of identifying ways
to help mitigate conflict within organizations at all levels.
Weakness: The author takes a direct approach when resolving conflict within organizations. I
think blending the process of spiritual healing and the direct approach is better than trying to
break up a group dynamic. When employees decide to unionize then the resolving conflict part
failed.
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References
Sande, K. (2004). The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict (3rd ed.).
Baker Books.
Sande, K., & Johnson, K. (2015). Resolving Everyday Conflict (Updated ed.). Baker Books.
Covey, S. R. (2012). The 3rd Alternative: Solving Life’s Most Difficult Problems (Reprint ed.).
Free Press.
Runde, C. E., & Flanagan, T. A. (2006). Becoming a Conflict Competent Leader: How You and
Your Organization Can Manage Conflict Effectively (1st ed.). Jossey-Bass.
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