You Deserve Healthy Love
by We’re Not Really Strangers
Contents
1. What Is Healthy Love? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1
2. Why Unhealthy Love Is So Hot . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6
1
What Is Healthy Love?
Have you ever felt healthy love? Are you even
attracted to it? Or do you find unhealthy love more
attractive because you know it better? Most importantly,
do you believe you’re worthy of healthy love? Grab a pen
and annotate this book with your answers in the margins.
Answer honestly.
Entering your first healthy relationship after
unhealthy ones isn’t easy. You have to unlearn what you
thought love was. You might feel the love is too good to
be true and start to self-sabotage. When you’re used to
love hurting, healthy love can feel wrong. But what is
healthy love?
I’d like to start this question with what healthy love is
not.
Healthy love is not a series of intense highs followed
by more intense lows. It isn’t a deep conversation
followed by great sex, followed by days of no
communication. It isn’t one good day followed by a series
of fights that make you lose your self-respect. It isn’t a
text after months of not hearing from them, saying how
much they miss you.
Healthy love isn’t a tight grip. It doesn’t try to
control, contain, or own you. It doesn’t mean selfsacrifice to the point where you have nothing left to give.
It shouldn’t feel like the bare minimum is too much to ask
for. It doesn’t feel like you are always in the wrong. And
it shouldn’t feel like you are always in the right. It won’t
make you wonder if it is healthy love, or even love at all.
So what is healthy love? It’s a feeling you get when
you know your heart is in good hands.
What healthy love feels like (a very specific list):
1. Saying the things you were afraid to admit and
feeling more loved because of it.
2. Feeling inspired to be the best version of who you
already are.
3. Committing to understanding each other, even
when you disagree.
4. Realizing there was never something “wrong” with
you in your past relationships, you just weren’t with the
right person.
5. Wanting the best for someone, even if that isn’t
you.
Still unsure if it’s healthy love? Start asking the scary
questions. The questions you’re too afraid to ask because
you’re scared of the potential answers. What questions are
you avoiding? Specifically with them.
He had a house in the hills. Tall. Great job. I wanted
him to like me so bad. But I didn’t think I was his type.
His friends, his job, his house all felt above me. My main
focus was pretending I belonged.
He’d always send memes, I’d always have to pretend
they were funny. That was the depth of our
communication. Being the version of myself I thought he
wanted me to be became my full-time job. I started
relying on alcohol just to feel myself around him. It got as
bad as me sneaking a sip of wine when he stepped out of
his house to walk his dog… in the morning.
This went on for months. I was always anxious.
Awaiting his next text. Keeping my schedule clear in case
he’d ask to hang out. Then needing to distract myself
when he didn’t. I complained to my friends about him
more than I’d see him. But my feelings for him just
intensified. Not because he was good for me, but because
he didn’t want me.
I didn’t know where this was going. What were we?
Why were we in this relationship? Was it even a
relationship at all? But those questions felt too dangerous.
What if he said something I didn’t want to hear? I liked
pretending. Pretending he might like me was validating,
even if it wasn’t real validation. Instead of asking him
what he felt, I’d ask my friends. I’d paint scenarios I’d
had with him and just ask for their interpretations.
One night, my friends and I went out with him. We
were all drinking. The added confidence of my friends
being there + the wine, gave me the courage to ask him
the question I was too afraid to ask…
“What are we?”
He started rambling. (Terrible sign). Finally, he found
the courage to say the thing we were both avoiding but
deep down knew. He didn’t see us being anything serious.
I was a mess that night. In tears. The pinnacle moment
was when, in my distress, I noticed him flirtatiously
talking to a waitress. He was as inattentive as he’d always
been, but I was finally seeing him clearly. My voluntary
ignorance was finally shattered by my one question. The
reality of the relationship was finally revealed to me. I
was so afraid to hear the truth but once I did, I felt free.
Hurt… but liberated to move onto something meant for
me.
During that time, a group of friends invited me to
dinner. As we were winding down I noticed I didn’t have
a single sip of wine. Nor did I want any. I felt so myself,
so happy, so loved in their presence. I told the group how
great I was feeling and my friend, Ari, said, “PAY
ATTENTION. In moments when you’re feeling this
happy notice: Who are you with? What are you wearing?
Where are you? You’re learning about what brings you
joy.”
This is when I started asking myself the right
questions, too.
Questions to Ask Yourself:
1. How does their love leave you feeling most of the
time?
2. Do you recognize yourself when you’re with them?
3. Do you really like this person or the idea of them
liking you?
4. What question(s) are you too afraid to ask?
5. What are you afraid of losing?
Answer honestly.
2
Why Unhealthy Love Is So Hot
Because it reflects what you needed as a child, and
what you unknowingly still need.
Who was the first person that broke your heart? Was
it a parent? A teacher? When was the first time you
remember showing your true self to someone and feeling
rejected because of it? Picture that moment. What would
you say to your younger self now?
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