The Coaching Habit
Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead
Forever
Coaching Skills
● Questioning
○ Coaching habit questions
■ What’s on your mind?
■ And what else?
■ What is the real challenge here for you?
■ What do you want?
■ How can I help you?
■ What will you say no to, to make this Yes happen?
■ What was most useful for you?
● Listening
Coaching
Coaching for performance vs. Coaching for development
Performance- putting out a fires, addressing a specific problem or issue
Development- turning from issue to the person with the issue. The conversation is vital and significant,
and more powerful.
3P model P. 43-44
Projects, People, pattern of behavior
-Projects- a project is the content of the situation, the stuff that’s being worked on. This realm is where
coaching for performance and technical change tends to occur. Start here but use this to move into the
other Ps.
-People- building relationships. Understanding where your relationship is and make connections.
- Pattern of behavior- ways of working that you would like to change. This area is most likely where
coaching for development will happen. Changing behavior=change outcomes
Question Masterclass
1. Ask ONE question at a time
I will ask just one question. Then I will be quiet while I wait for the answer.
How to ask a good question (p.33)
2. If you know the question to ask, get to the point and
ask
it.
I will ask the question and then shut up and listen to the answer.
Quit beating around the bush and just ask the question. If you need a setup you can use: Out of
curiosity... or I’m wondering...
3. Stop offering up advice with a question mark attached
I will ask one of the 7 essential questions. And if I want to present an idea, I’ll offer up as an option rather
than a question.
Stop offering advice in the form of a question.
4. Stick to Questions starting with what. If you’re not trying
to fix things, you don't need the backstory.
I will reframe questions that start with why to start with what.
P. 103 gives examples. Why did you do that? → What were you hoping for here? Why did you think this
was a good idea? → What made you choose this course of action?
Question Masterclass
5. Get Comfortable with silence
Give that pause. Giving think times actually can create new neural pathways. It literally can help a person
learn more. Sit with the silence
6. Actually listen to the answer
Genuinely listen to the answer. Stay in the moment. When you get distracted come back and refocus
7. Acknowledge the answers you get
Give an acknowledgment of genuine interest in the answer they gave you before you move on to “and
what else?” When you listen to the answer you might not need a “and what else?” Be nonjudgmental and
genuine.
8. Use every channel to ask a question
Use these questions in email as well. You can use them to get to the point. Ex. Wow that’s a lot going on
here. What’s the real challenge here for you, do you think?
1. Kick Start Question- What’s on your mind?
What’s on your mind? Give wait time after you ask!
-You’re showing them the trust and granting them the autonomy to make the choice for themselves.
P. 44 example of kick start question and 3Ps model. (visit slide 3 for 3P model explanation)
What’s on your mind? (insert issue) We can look at these from 3 different perspectives: project, people,
patterns. Project-the actual challenge to the content, People-any issues with colleagues, bosses,
teammates, etc. Patterns- is there a way that you are getting in your own way.
How to ask a good question (p.33)
2. The Awe Question- and what else?
Purpose of the question- To see what ideas that person already has and effectively stopping you from leaping
in with your own ideas.
You will get more options with this question. More options lead to better decisions. Better decisions lead to
greater success.
Tame the advice monster. Stay to asking questions and listening. This is harder said than done. We often want
to give advice even when we don’t have all the answers.
Data collect how many times you give advice in your conversations in a day. It’s easy to turn toward giving an
answer. Stay patient and seek clarity through asking questions.
And what else? Is an easy way to stay curious and buy yourself time.
4 tips
-stay curious stay genuine- This helps us to stay curious but be authentic about it. Bonus: listen to the answer.
-Ask it one more time- generally it’s not asked enough. Rule of thumb ask it at least 3 times and less than 5
-Recognize success- You will get an answer of “There is nothing else” Don’t panic. This is the response we
want. It means success. It means you’ve reached the end of this line of inquiry. Ask different questions.
-Move on when it’s time- you can sense when it can be time to wrap it up. You can us the question “Is there
anything else” this invites closure. Still leaves the door open for whatever else needs to be said.
P. 66 examples on how to use the and what else question.
3. The Focus Question- What’s the real
challenge here for you?
Slow down a bit and you will get to the heart of the issue. Focus on the real problem not the first one.
What’s the challenge? To vague and not specific enough to give you the direction you need
What’s the real challenge here? Slows people down and the “here” implies a focus to the challenge instead of broad.
What’s the real challenge here for you? Really pins the question to the person and keeps it specific.
Proliferation of challenges:
Avoid falling into the trap of giving advice when overwhelmed with a multitude of problems from a person. Use this question to focus
the conversation and to keep from giving advice.
If you had to pick one of these to focus on, which one of these would be the real challenge here for you?
Coaching the Ghost:
Gossiping about the shortcomings of another person/teammate. You can’t coach someone that is not there. You are there to coach
the person in front of you. Help them figure out solutions to manage the issues at hand. Asking the question...What’s the real
challenge for you? Is a way to focus the conversation.
Abstractions and Generalizations:
Abstract conversation that doesn’t seem to have a problem that needs to be identified.
Focus the conversation by using I have a sense of the overall challenge, what’s the real challenge here for you?
Performance to development- using the tag on “for you” focuses on the person and growing through challenges.
3 strategies to make this question work for you. P. 93
Trust that You’re being useful- questioning can give more than giving advice in growth. Trust the process.
Remember that there is a place for your advice-be practical and use common sense on when to give advice and when to ask
questions
Remember the second question- And what else? Combine it to And what else is a real challenge for you.
1-2-3 Combination
The 1st three questions can combine to become a
robust script for your coaching conversation.
●
●
●
●
●
●
Open with: What’s on your mind?
○ Question 1
Check in: Is there anything else on your mind?
○ Question 2
Then begin to focus: So what’s the real challenge here for you?
○ Question 3
Ask: And what else (is the real challenge here for you)?
○ Question 2 and 3
Probe: Is there anything else?
○ Question 2
Get to the heart of it: So...What’s the real challenge here for you?
○ Question 3
4. The Foundation Question: What do you want?
Adult to adult relationship as one in which you “able to ask for what you want, knowing that the answer may
be NO. Often what we want is hard to ask for because who are we to ask for it. What we want is often left
Unsaid. The single biggest illusion to communication is that it took place. The best way to ensure smoother sailing
Is to know the difference between wants and needs.
Want: I’d like to have this
Need: I must have this
But this can easily turn into everything being a need.
Clearer picture of wants/needs
Want- The surface request. The tactical outcome. Ex. A want could be anything from getting a report done by a certain
date or whether you need to attend a meeting or not.
Need- go deeper and identifying them helps you pull back the curtain to understand the more human driver who
might be behind the want. It’s important to find the need behind the want. It makes sense. This is a reciprocal question.
Here it’s ok for you to share your answer to what you want.
Fight or flight- The brain must feel safe to function at its full potential.
You want your people to feel safe to risk not scared to risk.
TERA- Make it rewarding environment
(safety) T- Is for tribe- the brain is asking are you with me or against me. When you are on their side the TERA
quotient increases.
(Clear is kind)E is for expectation- Does the future look clear. If what’s going to happen next is clear then the situation feels safe. If not it feels
unsafe.
(partnership) R- is for rank- are you more important or less important. Status. If you’ve diminished my status the situation feels less secure.
(choice) A is for autonomy- Do I get a say or don’t I. Do you have a choice if so then the environment feels rewarding. If no than it feels less safe.
Your job is to increase the TERA quotient whenever you can. “What do you want” can do this.
Backwards plan the want/need- What is the ideal then work backwards from there to make it happen.
ONCE YOU SEE THE DESTINATION THE JOURNEY OFTEN BECOMES
5. The Lazy Question- How can I help you?
Drama Triangle:
-Victim- always something wrong. Everyone’s elses fault
-Persecutor- You’re better and it’s not their fault it’s yours
-Rescuer- They come to save the day. It’s their own fault and responsibility
The minute we begin to think we have all the answers we forget the questions ~Madeleine L’Engle
Be and Stay Humble (better conversations) These 2 books have many similarities
When you rescue you say they’re not capable of doing it. You keep them from growing and reaching their
potential
How can I help? Gets to the heart of what they need. It also keeps you from becoming a rescuer.
What do you want from me? Can be too blunt but you can soften it and make your tone mirror
Out of curiosity, what do you want from me?
Just so I know, what do you want from me?
To help me better understand, what do you want from me?
To make sure I’m clear, what do you want from me?
Ways to respond to their responses:
Say yes
You can say no but give counter offer
I need to think on it I’ll get back to you.
6. The Strategic Question-What will you say no to, to
make this Yes happen?
Quit highlighting being busy and glorifying it.
Quit saying strategies and work smarter not harder. These are just platitudes but doesn’t move the work forward.
Saying No before you say yes sets boundaries around your yes
No omission and No commission
No omission what automatically is a no because you said no
No commission-what will you need to say no to to make the yes happen
No commission uncovers the work and boundaries on a deeper level. Use the 3 P model to uncover NOs
-Projects- what projects will be sidelined
-People- who will be affected by you saying no and yes
-Patterns- what habits will need to shift and break to say no and yes
Learn to say yes to person and no to the task if needed to say yes to something else.
5 Strategic questions
-What is your winning aspirations? What is our end goal
-Where will we play? What are we focusing on
-How will we win? What will we do to make this happen
-What capabilities must be in place? What will you need in your toolbox to be successful
-What management systems are required? How will you measure success and stay focused on goal.
7. The Learning Question- What was most useful for
you?
Learning happens when someone has to truly recall and reflect on what just happened.
Coaches help create space for the learning moments to happen
Attention
Generation- act of creating and sharing your own connections to the learning
Emotion
Spacing
Take the time to generate knowledge and find answers the learning sticks better than just reading it.
I can tell you the answer but it won’t stick
I can ask you a question and you find the answer and chances are the learning sticks better.
Harness the impact of information retrieval. What’s essential is to interrupt the forgetting.
It assumes the conversation was usefulIt asks people to identify the one big thing that was most useful.
It makes it personal
It gives you feedback
It’s learning not judgement
It reminds people how useful you are to them.
Resources
Website
Building rock solid habits through videos (p. 27)
How to ask a good question (p.33)
TERA Quoteient videos P. 125