How to Build Open Communication with Your Children
Jeannie Ross, Behavior Interventionist
1. Listen Without Judgment – Non-judgmental listening means being able to allow your kids to open up
and tell you what they’re thinking and what’s going on for them without you jumping in and trying to
solve the problem, which is our natural instinct. As adults, when there’s a problem, we want to solve
it. Kids need the space to just recount what’s going on for them, and most often they will figure it
out on their own, they’ll solve it themselves. In giving them that space to talk, you build trust.
Listening without judgment and starting that when they’re young is really huge so they can trust you
to be able to just listen when they are teenagers.
2. Focusing on Feelings and Not Behaviors – Behaviors are always a reflection of what we feel. Children
adopt socially unacceptable behaviors as a way to communicate and get what they want. When kids
are behaving in a way we don’t like, it’s so much more effective if we stop and figure out why. Ask
yourself, “What feelings are behind that behavior? What purpose is the behavior serving the child?”
and address the feelings rather than just finding a way to address the behavior. If we just put a stop
to the behavior by scaring them into behaving in a way that’s pleasing without addressing the
feelings, the feelings will come out in another socially unacceptable way.
3. Empower Kids to Make Their Own Decisions – Kids learn to make good decisions by making
decisions. They need the space to be able to make bad decisions, like not bringing a jacket when you
know it’s going to be cold outside. Unless the decision is something like using drugs or drinking
alcohol which could cause them permanent harm, allow kids the space to make their own decisions
and reap the consequences. They will become stronger and wiser through experience. When kids are
little, a good way to develop decision making is to build choices into their life experience and talk
about the result of their choice. What would it have been like if they had made another choice?
When kids are older, allow the result of their choice to speak for itself and don’t comment on the
outcomes.
4. Teach Self-Control – Self-control comes into play when teenagers deal with smoking, drugs and sex.
Teenagers don’t change their behaviors in response to lectures. Ask questions about your teen’s
opinion about things. Let the teen think, and don’t rush the conversation. Give them heartfelt
appreciation for sharing their opinion even when it doesn’t agree with yours. Have an “Asking and
Listening” relationship rather than a “Lecture” kind of relationship with your teen. Teach your child
that they can always use you for an excuse – when they are little, teach them to say, “I’ve got to go –
I hear my mother calling.” It won’t be a lie, because you say, “I am always calling you home when you
feel unsafe.” When they are teens, give them an out by telling them that they can always use you as
an excuse when they are in a pinch: “My dad made me promise to call him at 10PM so I have to go.”