Poison Patterns
Bad Habits that
Threaten Our Relationships
Adapted from Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, Susan L. Blumberg,
Fighting for Your Marriage, Revised (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2000).
Each Person Has an Emotional
“Bank Account”
1. Affection and care act
as deposits
 Regular deposits keep a
relationship strong and
resilient
Each Person Has an Emotional
“Bank Account”
1. Affection and care act
as deposits
 Regular deposits keep a
relationship strong and
resilient
2. Tensions and hurts act
as withdrawals
 1 negative interaction
makes a withdrawal
worth 5-10 deposits
All Relationships Have Conflict
Key difference is how conflict is managed
 Among married couples, about 80% of differences
cannot be resolved
 Happy couples don’t let disagreements poison
their friendship; distressed couples do
4 Poison Patterns
These habits quickly drain warmth and safety
1. Criticism: Painful Putdown
4 Poison Patterns
These habits quickly drain warmth and safety
1. Criticism: Painful Putdown
2. Contempt: Character Assassination
4 Poison Patterns
These habits quickly drain warmth and safety
1. Criticism: Painful Putdown
2. Contempt: Character Assassination
3. Defensiveness: Victim’s Vengeance
4 Poison Patterns
These habits quickly drain warmth and safety
1. Criticism: Painful Putdown
2. Contempt: Character Assassination
3. Defensiveness: Victim’s Vengeance
4. Stonewalling: Hide and Seek
Pursuer-Withdrawer Dance
1. Pursuer brings up
issues or pushes for a
decision
2. Withdrawer pulls away
Pursuit
Withdrawal
Pursuer-Withdrawer Dance
1. Pursuer brings up
issues or pushes for a
decision
2. Withdrawer pulls away
Both reinforce each other
1. The more one pursues,
the more the other
withdraws
2. Withdrawal provokes
more pursuit
Pursuit
Withdrawal
Pursuer-Withdrawer Dance
Men Tend to Withdraw
Talk to solve
problems, not
vent feelings
 Are less able to
discuss feelings
 Are more confused
and threatened by
conflict

“Rules“ for harmony
unclear
 Withdrawal is to reduce
distress
 See female pursuit as
being disrespectful,
over-sensitive and
provoking a fight

Women Tend to Pursue
More aware of and unsettled by relational
problems
 Prefer to talk to connect
 Like to discuss the relationship
 Are less threatened by conflict
 See male withdrawal as uncaring and cowardly

Reducing Withdrawal
Recognize it and
choose to break
the cycle
 Resist interpreting
it negatively

Reducing Withdrawal
Recognize it and
choose to break
the cycle
 Resist interpreting
it negatively

Pursuers
 Pursue less and more
constructively
 Use a softer start-up
Withdrawers
 Find a safe way to deal
with issues
Tool: Stop the Dance I
Individually, consider these questions.
1. In what situations
am I the Pursuer?
 Pushing for a
decision, discussion
or to get something
resolved
 Not easily letting it go
 Repeatedly bringing
it up
2. In what situations
am I the Withdrawer?
 Frequently trying to
avoid or escape the
discussion or decision
 Pulling away from the
other who is pushing
Tool: Stop the Dance II
For the Pursuer



How can I make it easier
for my Withdrawing
spouse to be able to
have that discussion or
otherwise do the thing
that I'm pushing for?
How can I be more
respectful?
How can I be more
selective and choose my
battles?
For the Withdrawer



How can I volunteer to
engage with what my
spouse wants, so they
don’t have to pursue
me?
What kind of situation
would be most
comfortable for me?
How can I take
responsibility to create
that situation?
Tool: Time Out
Decide on a “Time Out” or “Pause” word or
gesture
 Use before a conflict gets destructive
 Break for 20 minutes or postpone discussion to
a later agreed-upon time
 Presence of children can be an automatic
“Time Out”