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Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist quiz
THE BORDERLINE, THE NARCISSIST AND YOU: Learning to Let Go of Caretaking If you’re an emotional Caretaker in relationship with a borderline or narcissist, this course is for you. In this relationship, do you feel…. Anxious and depressed Guilty but don’t know why Always trying to be perfect Taken advantage of Confused about what is true Resentful and frustrated
Unappreciated Put down and devalued Emotional and physical pain Hopeless and helpless Course topics include: How borderlines and narcissists use Caretakers A test for Caretaker involvement levels Learning the emotional, thought and behavior distortions that keep Caretakers stuck Information on the defective relationship habits of borderlines and narcissists Learning how
you get caught in the Drama Triangle and how to get out The costs of being a Caretaker Stages of healing Building confidence and setting boundaries Assertion skills to use with borderlines and narcissists Specific examples and exercises to practice with the BP/NP Caring for your own needs and wants Moving forward to a better life for yourself Based on the book, Stop
Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to Get Out of the Drama and Get on With Life by Margalis Fjelstad, Ph.D., LMFT Includes: 7 sessions–all with audio power point slides Downloadable workbook of exercises. Available at: Caretaker.digitalchalk.com Remarkable tool for anyone who is, or has been, in a family or intimate relationship with someone with borderline or
narcissist personality disorders. Life changer.Some main takeaways:- 4 stages of understanding BP/NP: denial, anger, bargaining and depression; cycle until acceptance- 3 stages of stopping caretaking: setting boundaries, letting go and rebuilding; cycle until true self care- Model of communication:1. When... (I hear a loud voice and sharp words/I expect dinner at 6pm and it isn't
Remarkable tool for anyone who is, or has been, in a family or intimate relationship with someone with borderline or narcissist personality disorders. Life changer.Some main takeaways:- 4 stages of understanding BP/NP: denial, anger, bargaining and depression; cycle until acceptance- 3 stages of stopping caretaking: setting boundaries, letting go and rebuilding; cycle until true
self care- Model of communication:1. When... (I hear a loud voice and sharp words/I expect dinner at 6pm and it isn't made until 9pm) /NOT using 'you' and blaming/2. I feel... (angry and humiliated/taken advantage of) /again NOT 'you', ending the blame game/3. I would like to (be talked to in a quiet voice/be told ahead of time that you'll be late/have this picked up right away)
/BP/NP might be passive aggressive, or not respond - watch out. Healthy responses aren't like that/4. If... I will... (if you can't lower your voice, I will need to excuse myself from this conversation) /Don't get taken advantage of, better stop interacting. MUST follow through or you won't be taken seriously/- keep calm and composed. Be prepared for BP/NP to be upset, but don't give
in. Must follow through with the actions you announced- you do not have to give reasons for what you do or want. Normal people don't feel the need to justify themselves all the time. When questioned by BP/NP, divert the questions at them why they think that is important etc so that the focus is not on you- very little gets changed with BP/NP by talking. Making changes requires
taking new actions, not coming to agreements. E.g. If you don't like to have fights with BP/NP, don't respond defensively and argue, rather use the communication model. If you don't like living together, live apart. If you want something done that they stubbornly refuse, do it yourself. If the conversation is going nowhere positive, quit conversing. If you want to be more social, be
social without BP/NP- caretaking = thinking you know better and are more capable than BP/NP- refuse to be superior or inferior, right wrong. BP/NP almost always play this game- be totally responsible for yourself and not BP/NP. You are a unique individual- stop being a victim (inferior). Be willing to accept the actual circumstances of your relationship with the mentally ill BP/NP. If
anything is going to change, you will be the one to change it- stop persecuting. Stop blaming others - instead of saying "you didn't..." -> "I want/I would like..."- stop fixing and rescuing BP/NP. they will never change. You've been the caretaker to keep the delusion and the family together. But your rescuing only works for minutes. Giving up rescuing is an action, not a discussion you stop interacting, you stop arguing, you stop worrying what they'll do next and you stop experiencing them to fulfill your needs- if you choose to spend time with BP/NP, it's a voluntary decision. They act badly but it's your choice to be there so don't play their games. Stick with your word.- you can't heal anyone else, only yourself, fact like gravity- you can't count on or expect
BP/NP to make any changes- it's up to your what life you want to create for yourself- you have control only over yourself- nothing ever came out on trying to change him, so you have the full power your own behavior and thoughts - not feelings directly- feelings are not facts - they are emotions (bodily sensations), thoughts and interpretations- overreacting can be a product of
transference (feelings from the past coming into presence) or anxiety over the future - and often over what BP/NP does and not you- give up hope that BP/NP will ever change and please you- give up guilt that they rage or threaten because of what you did. Just like you can't change or stop their behavior, you also can't cause their behavior and therefore you aren't responsible for
their feelings or behaviors. BP/NP use guilt to manipulate and make you feel trapped in your belief that you are essential to them- give up shame to love yourself enough to make the changes for life you really want- find a role model, even from TV, to learn how to cope- must go to therapy- have friends- be financially independent- BP/NP will blame you for a lot, but they are not the
right person to determine reality so don't take it personally- projection = shifting their blame onto you- you are never to blame for how BP/NP thinks, feels or acts, just like they are never to blame for your behavior- if someone is treating you poorly and you're allowing it, you're agreeing with their estimate of your value. Don't allow anyone make you unworthy- don't allow yourself to
be dependent on them emotionally, financially, socially etc.- learn self assertion- BP/NP feel undeserving of love- ask yourself: would I expect a 2 year old to keep promises or do chores, etc?- use repetition and exit interaction- BP/NP take their feelings as absolute facts and as ones that will last forever- talking thinks out doesn't work with BP/NP. they rely only on action in the
present moment. If the present is going well, keep it up. If it's not, decide what you need to do and just do it, like exiting. Emotional discussion won't work. But spend some time alone thinking about what you'll do next time and how you feel, because it will certainly happen again- quit the compulsion to keep this a secret. Abuse thrives in silence. Do tell trusted friends, and call the
police if abused- reconsider if you want to keep this relationship. You have one life to live. ...more Red Flags for Emotional Caretakers, Part Two How Can I Be More Assertive? More Questions About the Inner Critic Red Flags for Emotional Caretakers--Part One Four Steps to Deal with Your Inner Critic How to Stop Getting Bullied The Five Keys to Mindful Loving Finding Your
Deepest Yearnings When Relationships Are Based on Manipulation Getting Out of an Addictive Relationship If BPD is Biologically Based, What Then? How to Free Yourself from a Manipulator Are You Married to a Narcissist? Those who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder or from Borderline Personality Disorder (Henceforth to be referred to as NPD and BPD individually
and as BP/NP as a group) tend to employ an array of both normal and abnormal defense mechanisms, which are automatic mental responses designed to protect the ego from stress, anxiety or conflict. However, these defense mechanisms are extremely harmful to those who live with the BP/NP, and occasionally, those mechanisms will draw a well-meaning person into a
degrading and crazy-making relationship, henceforth referred to as Caretaking.Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad is self-help book for those who are trapped in a dysfunctional and self-destructive relationship with loved ones who have borderline or narcissistic personality disorders. In first section of the
book, titled Understanding the Caretaker Role, Fjelstad provides the reader with the tools to identify whether he or she is or acts like a Caretaker (with a recommended Caretaker Test in the appendix), as compared to merely an altruist, and whether a loved one is a BP/NP, along with an overview of borderline and narcissistic personality disorders using a biopsychosocial and
casework based approach from the author’s own experiences as a psychotherapist who specializes in the relationships of BP/NPs. She helps the layperson understand these disorders by using accessible terms, specific examples, and DSM IV criteria. Fjelstad then explains the Caretaker term, or someone who gives up their identity to meet the emotional needs of a borderline or
narcissistic loved one, and points out some typical feelings of a Caretaker and the different types of Caretakers. Fjelstad then helps the reader understand how well-meaning individuals can become Caretakers and continue to stay in this role out of fear, obligation, and guilt. By focusing on the emotional, cognitive, behavioral, and relationship distortions of Caretakers within their
relationship to the BP/NP, she shows readers how caretaking inevitably leads to an endless cycle of relationship chaos, self-neglect, and despair. She ends with saying that the BP/NP cannot be changed and so any improvement must come from the Caretaker’s side, starting with letting go of the hope that Caretaking will work.In the middle section of the book, titled Letting go of
Caretaking, Fjelstad provides readers with guidance on how to break free of the caretaker role even if they choose to continue their relationship with the BP/NP. It describes the process of healing from being a caretaker using Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance, also including three more specifically for Caretakers:
Setting Boundaries, Letting Go, and Rebuilding; all of this is director toward moving a Caretaker to Self-Care. Readers learn to stop trying to change their loved ones with BPD or NPD and instead focus on skills that they can use to improve their interactions with the BP/NP. They are taught how to set boundaries, let go of their over-involvement with the BP/NP in his or her life, and
to rebuild their individuality. Fjelstad also gives readers a sense of relief by reminding them that they are separate and unique individuals who are not responsible for the feelings and behaviors of others, in particular the BP/NP, whose perception of reality heavily skewed by their illness.In Rebuilding, the last section of the book, Fjelstad focuses on how individuals can improve their
lives and wellbeing after overcoming the caretaker role. It encourages readers to build a better support system, avoid falling back into caretaking patterns, and define and create their own lives. Readers learn how to build healthier relationships based on reciprocity, honesty, and the creation of appropriate boundaries. The approach to these concepts makes the book easy to read,
understand, and implement, which gives it a particular elegance.In conclusion, the editor has assembled a cohesive guide for individuals to identify a problem relationship and to take clear and definite actions to increase their health, whether or not they remain in the relationship with the BP/NP. It successfully bridges the gap between the usually vague and mystical self-help book
and the dry and difficult to understand psychological text for professionals, offering sound and detailed advice based on the experiences of a medical professional. The book is skillfully crafted, offering valuable insights to laymen afflicted by this issue and to professionals treating these conditions.
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