First of all, I’d like to reiterate, if you are a survivor of any type of sexual or relationship abuse,
it is not your fault, it is entirely on your abuser. I would encourage you to utilize the resources
we have pinned in #need-to-talk and the #resources channel. I will link the most common United
States and United Kingdom ones right below for easy access. Please utilize whatever is local and
available in your country.
United States:
-National Sexual Assault Hotline: https://hotline.rainn.org/online
-National Domestic Violence Hotline: https://www.thehotline.org/
United Kingdom:
-
National Centre for Domestic Violence: https://shoutlink.info/NCDV
Men’s Advice Line: https://shoutlink.info/mensadviceline
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, you may find the following
information helpful:
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Get to a safe place.
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Remember that eating or drinking, showering, brushing your teeth, going to the
bathroom, and changing or altering your clothes could destroy physical evidence that
may be helpful if you later decide to pursue criminal action.
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Even if you don't want to file a police report, consider receiving medical attention. A
Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner could conduct a sexual assault forensic exam and will
help ensure that you are healthy, provide options to prevent pregnancy or sexually
transmitted infections, and collect valuable evidence that may be useful in the future,
even if you are unsure about pursuing legal action now.
How to support someone who has experienced or disclosed a sexual assault, other sexual
misconduct, domestic or intimate partner violence, or stalking:
It can be difficult to know what to say when someone tells you they were sexually assaulted or
were involved in some other type of gender-based violence. You might worry about saying the
“wrong thing,” or somehow making the situation worse.
The best responses are often the simplest ones:
“I believe you. I’m sorry this happened to you. How can I help?”
It is important to let your friend decide what they want to tell you about the assault – don’t force
them to talk about it if they aren’t ready. Also, try not to ask “why” questions. For example:
Why didn’t you call me for a ride? Even if you are asking this type of question with the best
intentions, it can sound accusatory and may cause further self-blame for the survivor.
When in doubt, just ask how you can help. For example, ask if they want you to stay with them
or go to the health care facility or speak to someone to make a report, or offer to meet with an
advocate with them. Let them know you are there for them, but always let them make the choice
to accept your help or not.
What is a bystander, and what is bystander intervention?:
Bystanders are individuals who observe violence or witness conditions that perpetuate violence.
They are not directly involved but have the choice to intervene, speak up, or do nothing. In many
cases of violence there are those on the sidelines who have the power to intervene to prevent the
act from happening, or immediately address the incident after it has occurred. Too often there is
bystander inaction attributable to “bystander effect” or “diffusion of responsibility” where people
feel it is not their responsibility to intervene because somebody else around them well. Be the
person who intervenes and takes action.
Bystander intervention is the act of feeling empowered and equipped with the knowledge and
skills to effectively assist in the prevention of sexual violence, and does not have to impact the
safety of the bystander.
The Five Ds of Bystander Intervention
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Direct Confrontation - Often, a direct response is appropriate and could include verbally
addressing the behavior ("That is not an appropriate thing to say") or questioning the
intent ("I'm not sure you meant to imply that."). Remember, there is strength in numbers
and it can be helpful to recruit others. Depending on the situation, this strategy can be
risky and therefore it is important to assess the safety of the situation first, as well as,
acknowledge potential repercussions to you and the person being targeted by the
harassment. Remember, to effectively help others, you must remain safe as well.
Distract - This is a more subtle way to intervene and is based on interrupting the situation
in an effort to diffuse it. For example, you can physically insert yourself between the
harasser and the person being targeted, approach the person being affected or the harasser
and bring up an unrelated topic (for example, if you don't know the people involved you
can ask for directions or pretend that they are a long lost friend, or if all people involved
are known to each other, ask if they are going to the same class or location).
Delegate - Ask a third party for assistance; ideally someone in a position with power to
do something about the incident or at least provide the necessary support, such as a
supervisor, program director, local authority, or another trusted individual. This could
also be security or local law enforcement, but always ask the person who was targeted if
they feel comfortable going to the police before doing so, unless there is a medical
emergency
Document - Documenting an incident as it occurs can be very useful, especially for
reporting. If you are a bystander, always ask the person who was being harassed what
they want to do with the documentation. It is not appropriate to share or post any
documentation (e.g. video or photos) of a scenario without the consent of the person who
was being harassed. If you are the person being harassed, DOCUMENT all interactions,
save and keep a record of all verbal, physical and written encounters as these will be
important for helping you build a case, if you decide to report in the future. If the
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communications have been online or via text, and it is distressing to keep in your inbox,
forward to a new email account you create for this purpose that you don't ever have to go
back to unless you need the evidence.
Delay - After an incident, check in with the person who was being harassed. Ask them if
they are okay, acknowledge that the harassing behavior was not appropriate, let them
know you are sorry this happened to them, offer to help find resources, ask if they would
like to report, and respect their wishes if they do not. This is really important as failure of
others to support people who have been harassed can be very alienating and cause
distress. Even a simple acknowledgement that the incident occurred and asking them,
"are you ok?" can go a long way.
Remember, we are all here to support each other, and while we are not a replacement for seeking
therapy from a qualified counselor, we will do what we can to provide support and we want this
to be a safe space for people. Please never hesitate to reach out if you need help, and remember
to support and be kind to others as well, as you never know the internal struggles they may be
having.