Running head: PSYCHOLOGICAL BIRTH ORDER IN BLENDED FAMILIES
Psychological Birth Order in Blended Families
A Master’s Project
Presented to
The Faculty of Adler Graduate School
______________________
In Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for
The Degree of Master of Arts in
Adlerian Counseling and Psychotherapy
_________________________
By:
Renee Devine
_________________________
Chair: Marina Bluvshtein
Reader: Lisa Venable
_________________________
January 31, 2017
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PSYCHOLOGICAL BIRTH ORDER IN BLENDED FAMILIES
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Abstract
The importance of birth order of siblings within a family has been well established in Adler’s
Individual Psychology, as a primary tenet to the formation of personality in an individual. There
is a difference between the ordinal position within the family, and the psychological position
within the family. Adler points out that it is not the position to which the child is born into the
family (the ordinal position) that has great significance on the personality, rather it is the
perception of the child as to their position in the family (psychological position). There are many
factors, which could lead to an alternate position within the family than the one the individual is
born into. One such factor is being a part of a blended family, which may have two separate
groups of children. Each group of siblings from one set of parents is described as a sibship. This
paper will review psychological birth order, and how it is affected in blended families.
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Table of Contents
Abstract ........................................................................................................................................... 2
Introduction ..................................................................................................................................... 4
Discussion ..................................................................................................................................... 13
Conclusion .................................................................................................................................... 21
References ..................................................................................................................................... 23
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Psychological Birth Order in Blended Families
Introduction
The picture of a contemporary American family has changed dramatically from past
decades. As adults may find themselves in unsatisfying or bad marital relationships, they may
seek divorce as a way to escape their turmoil in effort to find happiness. While this ending of a
bad relationship may benefit the adult, the children are often the ones whose lives negatively
change, if only temporarily. Many children of divorced homes grow into young adults who fear
failed relationships (Wallerstein & Lewis, 2004). While children from traditional intact families
may dream of growing up to be like their parents, children from divorced families may grow up
dreaming of being the opposite of their parents (Wallerstein & Lewis, 2004), though statistics
may indicate these dreams may not come to fruition.
In recent decades the number of marriages that end in divorce has increased, and likewise
the number of remarriages that form stepfamilies has also increased to approximately one-third
of all marriages (Bray, 2016). According to a Pew Research study, forty-two percent of surveyed
adults indicated that they had at least one step relative, which could include a stepsibling,
stepparent, or stepchild (Pew Research Center, 2011), while it is reported that thirty-three percent
(33%) of individuals in the United States are part of a stepfamily (Bray, 2016). What is not
described in Pew research is whether those that reported having a stepfamily member was still
part of intact stepfamilies, as remarriage divorce rates are over sixty percent (60%) (Bray, 2016).
Numbers of repartnering families that create stepfamilies are also not reported in marriage and
divorce statistics, as there may have been no legal ceremony documented.
The Pew Research study also identified certain statistics based on various demographics
such as age, gender, race, education level, and region of the country (Pew Research Center,
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2011). For example, young people between the ages of eighteen and twenty-nine have the
highest rate of having a stepfamily member at fifty-two percent (52%), while older individuals
decreased in percentages to the lowest of those at sixty-five and over at thirty-four percent (34%)
(Pew Research Center, 2011). This would seem to reflect the rise in stepfamily creation in the
most recent decades. Race and socio-economic status also show differences in the number of
individuals that reported a step-relative. Some predict that a stepfamily will be the most common
family in the next few years (Bray, 2016). With the increase in stepfamilies, there is the potential
for an increase in individuals who have changing psychological birth order positions within their
family due specifically to stepfamily phenomenon.
Stepfamilies that are created through remarriage or repartnering, after there is a divorce,
death, or abandonment, are described as blended families. They consist of a parent, a stepparent,
any children brought into the family by either party, and any subsequent children. Usually, by
their nature, these families have difficulty with boundaries, which could lead to a stressful life
for everyone involved (Carlson & Robey, 2011). There are additional stressors that parents and
stepparents must work through as they initiate a new life together, which traditional marriages
may not face. The adults have their own issues of adjustment that they must work through, which
may distract them from the parenting aspect of their family.
Parent and child relationship issues usually arise, as divorced parents may be more
stressed and may have less time to spend with their children for a variety of reasons. This may
continue into a remarriage or repartnering and would intensify if subsequent failed parental
relationships occur (Amato, 2000). Having support from family and friends, including new
spouses, is very beneficial for parents and children when adapting to their new family life.
PSYCHOLOGICAL BIRTH ORDER IN BLENDED FAMILIES
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Therapy and education may also help, as this creates new coping strategies and a better
understanding of mental health wellness (Amato, 2000).
Changes in family income also effects children’s behavior throughout the divorce and
remarriage process (Ryan, Claessens, & Markowitz, 2015). Children from lower income families
may feel less stress from divorce than those from higher income families (Ryan et al., 2015).
This could be due to a higher level of stress and lower amount of parenting time, which may
exist within low-income traditional families, particularly if both parents work outside the home,
just to make ends meet. However, children from higher income families may be accustomed to
less stress and larger amounts of parenting time, which the higher income may afford in
traditional families. When divorce occurs however, the higher income family may suffer from
higher parental stress, and less parental time as both parents may have to work to earn an income
in order to support two homes. These effects may be intensified in younger children, rather than
older children, as younger children require more time spent with parents, when they may also
pick up on the increased stress of their parents (Ryan et al., 2015).
Not surprisingly, divorce also negatively affects children’s academic success as well as
their social adjustment and interpersonal skills (Crossman & Adams, 1980; Kim, 2011). This
negative effect is stronger when family change happens to younger children of preschool age
rather than in older children, possibly due to the increased cognitive development of older
children, which gives them a stronger foundation to fall back upon (Crossman & Adams, 1980).
Generally, these setbacks in academics are seen more in math than in reading subjects in school
for both younger and older children alike (Kim, 2011). However, these negative effects are
usually a short-term issue as with assistance they tend to catch up over time with their traditional
family counterparts (Crossman & Adams, 1980).
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Another factor to consider is the age of the children when the remarriage or repartnering
occurs as this also has affect on how the children adjust to their new blended family. For
example, if the children are in their early adolescence, there may be more difficulties, as the
parents tend to be more reactive to the misbehaviors than proactive in aiding the adjustment of
the adolescents (Hetherington, 1999). Furthermore, as stepfamilies are created the parents may
be working to unite the new family, while the adolescent may be working towards creating their
own independence from their family as part of their own growing up process (Heatherington,
1989; Arnaut, Fromme, Stoll, & Felker, 2000). The role of discipline in the blended family also
creates more tension for adolescents than younger children, as older children may be used to the
established rules and consequences from their intact family (Lutz, 1983). These rules and
consequences may have changed with the divorce of their parents, and then again with the
remarriage of their parent. Boys tend to have a more difficult adjusting to parental remarriage,
and may act out behaviorally, while girls may take on a more motherly role with their younger
siblings (Heatherington, 1989).
In The Individual Psychology of Alfred Adler, Heinz L. and Rowena R. Ansbacher (1964)
give the readers the words of Adler as he discussed birth order and its effects on the individual’s
personality. Since then, there has been a great deal of research as to which attributes, positive or
negative, someone could have, based on their position within their family, both original research
and meta-studies (Eckstein, 2000; Eckstein, Aycock, Sperber, McDonald, van Wiesner III,
Watts, & Ginsberg, 2010). What Adler and many authors agree upon is that there are many
variables that would affect the psychological birth order positioning of some individuals
(Ansbacher & Ansbacher, 1964; Dreikurs & Stoltz, 1992; Eckstein & Kaufman, 2012). While
these effects are more difficult to quantitatively study, as they are largely based on the
PSYCHOLOGICAL BIRTH ORDER IN BLENDED FAMILIES
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individual’s perception of their specific circumstances, this psychological birth order has a larger
effect on the person’s style of life. However, it is important to note that as the numbers of
divorced and blended families rise, careful consideration as to how this could impact birth order
development of children who strive to find and maintain their position within their family
(Stewart, 2012).
As a young child grows up within their family of origin, they may begin to develop
feelings of belonging or social interest in that family (Dinkmeyer & Dinkmeyer, 1983). They
learn how to interact with others, and how others will react to their actions or behaviors. In
healthy families, children will learn cooperation and mutual respect for the other members
(Dinkmeyer & Dinkmeyer, 1983). How they feel they fit within their family of origin is reflected
in how they feel they belong in their larger community. However, how they differentiate
themselves from their siblings may decrease the amount of competition they may feel in regards
to their siblings (Whiteman, McHale, & Crouter, 2007). Many influential factors lie beyond the
control of the individual; it is how they perceive and react to these unique circumstances, which
in essence forms their personality, their lifestyle. The relationship that a child forms with their
parents and siblings based upon their psychological birth order, is described as their family
constellation, which is carried through their life and affects their sense of community as an adult
(McKay, 2012).
Campbell, White, and Stewart (1991), discuss a Psychological Birth Order Inventory
(PBOI), which they developed, for purposes of measuring the differences between psychological
birth order and ordinal position of individuals. They chose forty close-ended questions for the
four birth order positions: oldest, middle, youngest, and only. This initial study found that there
is a significant relationship between the actual birth order and the psychological birth order of
PSYCHOLOGICAL BIRTH ORDER IN BLENDED FAMILIES
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those that responded to the PBOI. Thirty-nine percent of the respondents scored within the same
psychological birth order to their actual birth order, and sixty-one percent scored differently than
their actual birth order (Campbell et al., 1991). These results could indicate that the individual’s
perception of childhood occurrences and their sense of belonging can shift their psychological
position within their family.
The PBOI was reexamined for validity and reliability in 1998 by two of the original
authors: Alan E. Stewart, and Linda F. Campbell. This more recent research is comprised of two
studies to determine construct validity and also temporal reliability, which were proven to be
accurate (Stewart & Campbell, 1998). The implications of these findings are significant, as they
give clinicians a tool to help determine an individual’s view of their position within their family.
This will help the clinician with developing a Lifestyle analysis of their clients, which may aid in
the therapeutic process, as it will give the clinician a better picture of mistaken beliefs that the
client may be struggling with in their adult life. While the psychological birth order of an
individual does not always give clear insight into their private logic, it would be a good starting
point for further examination of the individual’s sense of belonging.
One factor between siblings that may affect lifestyle could be a large age gap between
siblings, such as a difference of seven years or more, which could lessen the effects of
dethronement that an individual feels upon the arrival of a younger sibling (Eckstein &
Kaufman, 2012; Shulman & Mosak, 1977). Once a child has reached seven years of age, their
personality has largely already formed, and the birth of a younger sibling may not have as much
effect on their Lifestyle, as they are more independent of their parents. Additional factors may
play a role in sibling constellation, such as gender (for example, a girl born into a family of boys,
or vice-versa) and general cultural beliefs held by the family (Shulman & Mosak, 1977).
PSYCHOLOGICAL BIRTH ORDER IN BLENDED FAMILIES
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Additionally, if there are physical or biological differences among the siblings, such as: illness,
attractiveness, athleticism, intelligence, this could cause one child to rise or fall within the
psychological birth order as they may get more or less attention than the other siblings (Shulman
& Mosak, 1977). There could also be major changes within the family, such as death of a sibling,
divorce, remarriage, and even extended family joining the household for a long period of time,
which could have an impact upon the family structure and psychological birth order (Shulman &
Mosak, 1977).
According to Alfred Adler, the oldest children generally receive more attention and can
be spoiled, until a second child is born. With the arrival of this child, the oldest’s sense of
belonging feels threatened, and they can choose to counteract that threat in several ways. One is
to become more closely aligned with their father, as their mother is spending more time with the
baby. Another choice is to develop negative feelings toward the second child, as they are now
receiving more attention from their parents (Ansbacher & Ansbacher, 1964). Studies found that
oldest children tend to be high achievers, and have great academic success with few problems in
school (Eckstein et al., 2010). Additionally, oldests are highly affiliative and hold strong views
of rules and laws (Ansbacher & Ansbacher, 1964). They tend to feel as though they are always
being chased, therefore they are constantly striving for more power, and they tend to be in
leadership positions, and likewise hold those with authority in high regard (Eckstein et al., 2010).
One aspect of an oldest child position which no other child has, is that they once held the status
of an only child and that status was, in their private view, taken away by subsequent sibling,
which is described by Adler as being “dethroned” (Ansbacher & Ansbacher, 1964, p. 377).
In discussing ordinal birth order, a second born child could be a middle child, as well as
third, fourth, and so on, until the last of the children, which is then labeled the youngest. This
PSYCHOLOGICAL BIRTH ORDER IN BLENDED FAMILIES
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paper will discuss second, third, fourth, and so on, as ordinarily (chronologically) the middle
child, with the exclusion of the youngest child. Adler describes a second child as acting as if
always in a race, because they feel constantly as if they have to compete or catch up to their older
sibling (Ansbacher & Ansbacher, 1964). Middle children often feel as though they do not
belong, yet they are sociable, and have little problems acting out (Ecktein et al., 2010).
Additionally, middle children tend to do well on teams, and get along well with individuals both
older and younger than they are, which fits with their position within their family (Eckstein et al.,
2010). However, similarly to the oldest, the middle child can also feel “dethroned”, if another
baby of the family comes along. This may leave the middle child feeling they are treated unfairly
as they are not the oldest, nor are they the baby any longer, they are merely stuck in the middle
between someone who is always better, have all the rights of the oldest and another who gets
more attention and the rest of the privileges of the youngest (Dreikurs & Stoltz, 1992).
Born last into the family the baby, or the youngest, is never dethroned as part of an intact
family. This child runs the risk of being pampered and spoiled by not only the parents of the
family, but also the older siblings (Ansbacher & Ansbacher, 1964; Dreikurs & Stoltz, 1992).
Statistically, the youngest of the family tends to have the highest social interest of all other
positions, but they can also be the most rebellious (Eckstein et al., 2010). Some negative
characteristics that the youngest tend to have are a higher rate of alcohol use, higher numbers of
psychiatric disorders, and a lower IQ (Eckstein et al., 2010).
The last position that Adler discusses is the only child. The only child may be pampered
and spoiled by the parents as they have their full attention, they are never dethroned, and
therefore do not have to share resources with siblings (Ansbacher & Ansbacher, 1964). However,
the only child may not be able to relate well with others their age or younger, due to them
PSYCHOLOGICAL BIRTH ORDER IN BLENDED FAMILIES
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spending most of their time with adults. Therefore they may be made fun of by their peers and
they often do not feel they fit in well with those their own age (Dreikurs & Stoltz, 1992).
Statistically, only children have the most desire for achievement, they are more likely to strive
for higher education, and they do not feel the need for affiliation (Eckstein et al., 2010).
However, they have a higher rate of maladaptive behaviors, and are generally seen as selfish
individuals (Eckstein et al., 2010).
The private logic that children create early in their life, is carried with them throughout
their adult life, and has significant effect on their daily life. The child’s view of where they fit
within their family will impact how they interact within their community later. Gathering
information regarding where the individual feels they fit within their family, and their
community, is an important part of the therapeutic process (Gfroerer, Gfroerer, Curlette, White,
& Kern, 2003). As Adlerian clinicians develop a lifestyle analysis, the difference between
ordinal birth order and psychological birth order becomes more apparent, and possibly even
more significant with individuals that come from blended families. Therefore it is important for
clinicians to understand how being a part of a blended family can affect the psychological birth
order of individuals.
One way to help the blended family become more mentally healthy is to increase the
families overall sense of belonging and social interest (Gfroerer, Kern, Curlette, White, &
Jonyniene, 2011). Having good communication skills within the blended family, where everyone
feels comfortable in sharing their feelings and emotions, will help improve the relationship
between parents and children. When children perceive that their feelings are not being validated,
or that their voice is not heard, they can act out in ways that would affect the rest of the family,
thus leading to a need for individual or family therapy in an effort to save the newly formed
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family unit. An important part of family therapy is the psychoeducation for the parents, with the
goal to help them understand their children’s maladaptive or misbehavior, and how to
appropriately address it through giving choices and consequences (Carlson & Robey, 2011). The
goal of therapy would be to create a more harmonious family lifestyle, which values all members
as unique individuals, and that everyone has a voice in family choices.
Discussion
Divorce is difficult for everyone involved, but for a child, it can be even more difficult as
they do not fully understand what is happening to their family. There may be great hardships for
families in turmoil as many changes occur with their parents and general living arrangements,
without much thought as to how it may affect the children. Difficult issues that may be part of
everyday life will be intensified, and there may be disruptions in living arrangements, new
financial stressors, and an increase in parental discordance. How the children react to their
changing circumstances may vary depending upon the person, as they are unique individuals
with their own movement in their life.
Additionally, the child’s stage of personality development will also play a role with their
adjustment to their new family constellation. Older children, whose personalities, depending on
their age, are likely to be somewhat solidified, may be more aware of the reason for the changes
they will encounter, not that they will be happy with those changes, but they may have already
developed coping strategies to help with their adjustment. Alternatively, they could also be
happy to have some peace in their life if their parents are able to become healthier apart than they
were together. Therefore, they may not experience as big of a change in their psychological birth
order personality. However, younger children who may have not yet developed their identity
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may have a more difficult time with the changes occurring around them. Their private logic and
lifestyle may be more likely to experience traumatic changes during this time of transitioning.
Furthermore, when either parent chooses to remarry or repartner it may become even
more difficult for the children as there are suddenly others involved in the child’s daily life.
While they will have a new parent or authority figure, they may also have a new group of
stepsiblings that are part of the package as well. In cases of shared custody, it is challenging for
children to go from one parent’s house to the other, when there may be different sibships in each
home. The blending of these two groups of children can have great impact on the individual
child, both positive and negative. In one home a child could be the oldest of two, while in their
other parents home they may be the middle child of five. Or, a baby of a two-sibling sibship
could end up being dethroned and now have two or three younger siblings who would take away
their baby status. Further complicating their situation would be when their parent has a new child
with the new stepparent. The complexity of blending families is nearly limitless, as there are
many possible combinations of stepsiblings, half siblings, step-grandparents, and so on.
There are many variables, which can affect the newly formed blended family. First, the
amount of time the sibships spend together has an impact on successful blending. If the sibships
spend only every other weekend together, they may not blend as well as if they spent a great deal
of time together living under one roof within the stepfamily home, as each home may have its
own set of rules which may be differ in parenting style. The more time the family spends
together, the more it is necessary to address any differences that arise.
Also, if one side of the step family has only one child, while the other side has two or
three or more, the only child may have difficulty in suddenly becoming a sibling, which would
be further complicated with custody arrangements (such as if they may be a sibling only for short
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periods of time, and then go back to their only child status for the rest of the time, at their other
parents home. This constant change can cause difficulty in readjusting every time they transition
from an only child to a stepsibling.
Similar to the variable of an age gap between individual siblings having an effect on the
psychological birth order, the age gap between sets of siblings in a blended family may also have
the same effect. If there is a larger gap in age between sibships, the impact will be less on
individual personalities between those sibships. Some exceptions of this would be in cases where
an older sibling is required to now chauffeur younger stepsiblings, and babysit for them as well.
This would create additional demands on the older sibship, which could lead to resentment and
hostility toward the younger sibship.
The effects that blending a family has will vary for each of the psychological birth order
positions. For example, the oldest child could possibly be demoted in addition to their previous
dethronement, if the new sibship is older than they are, thus finding themselves as a middle
child. They would no longer be the leader of the race; rather they would have a new pacemaker,
as the middle child of their stepfamily. They may have difficulty with authority, as they now
have new leadership with both a new stepparent, and new stepsiblings who are older and in
charge. This could lead to discouragement in academics as well as in sports or life in general.
However, these effects may be attenuated if the older sibship is considerably older, as they may
be close to leaving home and would not be as big of a threat to the younger sibships role within
the stepfamily.
The middle child of a family may not have as significant of effects when becoming part
of a blended family, as they may be accustomed to their role of being in a the middle. They have
already experienced dethronement at least one time in their life, developed strategies in dealing
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with that, therefore the addition of new younger or older siblings may not have much effect on
their position within the new family. They may be part of an older sibship, which may allow
them more responsibilities in the care of a younger group of stepsiblings. Alternatively, they may
find themselves as part of the younger sibship, which would give them more leaders to try to
keep up with. If they had previously felt lost in the middle of their siblings, they may feel even
more lost with the addition of new stepsiblings. Or, they may enjoy not having even less
attention from authority, and they may have more freedom with their actions.
The youngest of the family could have some dramatic effects with the blending of
families. They may be dethroned as the youngest if their new sibship is younger. They may no
longer be pampered with many caretakers, but now have to help take care of the new youngest of
the family, who has taken away their attention from parents. Their normal social personality may
no longer be enough for them to be noticed. Alternatively, they may suddenly have additional
older siblings with the new stepsiblings, which would be more people to compete with, and
increase their effort to overcome their inferiority.
The psychological birth order position that has the potential for most change when
blending families is one of the only child. Until the blending, they generally had both of their
parents’ full attention. When this is no longer the case, there may be tremendous resentment
toward others in the family. They may have to share resources with potentially many others in
the new stepfamily, which may be difficult for them to accept. They may not be able to
communicate well with their new stepsiblings, nor see a reason for communication, as previously
they only had to communicate with those that were older, such as their parents. While this
position may have the most adverse effects of blending, it may also be perceived as positive,
from the view of the only child. While once they had no need for affiliation among peers, they
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were alone, with no one to interact with, now they have other playmates and may see an exciting
purpose for their existence. This could be particularly true if their parents and stepparents have to
start working to help support the stepfamily. They could possibly begin to view being a part of a
bigger community as beneficial in meeting their needs, if they are the new youngest.
Alternatively, if they are the new oldest, they will have new people to reign over, in addition to
their parents, which would suit their desire to rule. However, if they strive to meet their needs too
much, the stepsiblings could resent their pampered personality, and choose to push back against
them with hostility, thus leaving them alone again.
A positive aspect of being a part of a new stepfamily could be that there is a strong
affiliation between sibships, such as a “we are all in this together” kind of attitude, which may
particularly be the case if parents are occupied with work, and if there are shared interests
between the sibships. If the parenting style is one that fosters communication and mutual respect,
the children could learn to be a part of their new bigger family community.
The opposite could also occur, where they could choose to stand in their convictions to
stay separate, particularly if there are very little common interests or different genders between
sibships. If the parents are not good at staying consistent with rules and consequences, the
sibships could never blend and become enemies instead of allies. This could also alternate
between the two sides of the spectrum, and could possibly be off balance from time to time
especially if the two sibships do not agree upon their level of connectedness.
There are other conditions that could affect the blending of sibships in stepfamilies. First,
if there are gender differences, this could create an affiliation between stepsiblings, while leaving
others out. For example, if there were one girl and two boys in one sibship, who become
stepsiblings to a sibship of two boys, the one girl may feel alienated from the others, while her
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brothers could create a strong affiliation with their new sibship. Her femininity could become
stronger, as she is the only female. She also may become more nurturing in a motherly way,
particularly if she were an oldest child, which the boys may resent. Alternatively, she may try to
become more boyish in order to fit in better. If she were the baby of the family, she may become
pampered having older brothers to protect her from harm, which she may enjoy. However, the
young girl may grow to resent having additional guardians if the males are overly masculine.
When blending sibships, there could be certain cultural differences that could cause
conflict within the stepfamily. If one set of siblings were accustomed to females doing all of the
housework, and the other were accustomed to a more sharing of duties, there could be tension
that may last for quite a while until the group learns to cooperate and agree upon a more equal
distribution of the duties. An alternative occurrence could be if one set of siblings were
accustomed to males not having a voice in the family decisions, while the other set of siblings
were only males, who were used to making their own rules and regulations, this could have a
profoundly negative effect on the relationship between sibships.
Another difference between sibships that could cause a significant increase in tension
would be if there were mental or physical limitations that one sibship has, while the other sibship
may be “normal”. For example, if one sibship included two children with autism, while the other
did not, the latter may not understand the disorder and how it can affect others within the family.
This could lead to struggles in effectively blending between stepsiblings. Furthermore, if one of
the sibships were an only child, they could have difficulty accepting the additional attention that
the members of the other sibship were receiving, due to their mental or physical issues, as they
would be accustomed to having the full attention of their parents.
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An outside force that could compound the impact of any of the above challenges could be
if there were significant changes in the socio-economic status of the family. The creation of a
new stepfamily would uproot at least one family from their home, if not both, with the addition
of more family members. There may be a need to move into a larger house in order to
accommodate the new members. Some siblings or even stepsiblings may have to share a
bedroom, when they previously did not. This may either cause resentment at the new sharing of
space, or it may cause an increase in affiliation between stepsiblings if there are shared interests
and good communication. There could be additional income into the stepfamily if both parent
and stepparent earned an income, while previously the children may have lived in a single parent
home with only one income providing for their basic needs. The increase of income could allow
for a more comfortable style of living for the family, however, there may be some financial
hardships if there were large amounts of legal fees that either or both parent and stepparent
incurred.
When parent and stepparent have additional children, this creates a more complicated
blending of sibships, as there would now be three possibilities for children in the household:
yours, mine, and ours. There may be a large gap in age between the previous youngest with the
new youngest, or there could be a relatively little gap between the two. As previously discussed,
the age span between the children can affect the impact of dethronement on the former youngest
of the family. Adding to this effect would be the feelings that the former youngest perceives as
the parent replacing their biological father with the new stepparent, but also replacing them as
the baby of the family, which could form feelings of inadequacy.
One popular Adlerian Psychology based book discusses the ways in which blending is
made easier. In Positive Discipline for Your Stepfamily, authors Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., Cheryl
PSYCHOLOGICAL BIRTH ORDER IN BLENDED FAMILIES
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Erwin, M.A., and H. Stephen Glenn, Ph.D. (2000) discuss nine key points to remember when
blending sibships. The authors believe that the first point is to “maintain a united front” (Nelsen
et al., 2000, p. 72) as parent and stepparent to come together as one single parenting unit, so that
the children will have a consistent parenting team. Their second point is “don’t expect instant
affection and trust among children” (Nelsen et al., 2000, p. 73) as they are now residing with
new and strange people. Both parent and stepparent should foster communication between
members of the new family. Third, “validate feelings” (Nelsen et al., 2000, p. 73) as each
individual has their own perceptions of their personal situation. Both parent and stepparent
should encourage feeling exploration and discussion of those feelings, so that any mistaken
points of view can be understood.
The fourth point is to “help each child find a place to belong and feel significant” (Nelsen
et al., 2000, p. 74) as they have to share their parent, and their home with others, it may help
them to have some space of their own. Fifth, “Have regular family meetings” (Nelsen et al.,
2000, p. 74) to create open communication for problems, a place to share feelings and emotions,
and to encourage each individual member of the new family. The sixth is to “Allow children
room to be themselves” (Nelsen et al., 2000, p. 74) as they are each a unique individual, yet part
of a larger family, with their own interests. Seventh, “Don’t play referee” (Nelsen et al., 2000, p.
74) as that will not help the children learn to solve their own issues, and learn to cooperate with
each other. Eighth, “Keep schools informed” (Nelsen et al., 2000, p. 74) as the new stepsibships
may now be attending the same schools if they are similar in ages, so that any issues from home
do not expand upon their education and socialization with their peers. Finally, their ninth point is
to “Be patient” (Nelsen et al., 2000, p. 75) as the new situation will take some time for
adjustment (Nelsen et al., 2000).
PSYCHOLOGICAL BIRTH ORDER IN BLENDED FAMILIES
21
Michael H. Popkin, Ph.D. and Elizabeth Einstein, M.A., L.M.F.T. (2007) also discuss
ways in which parents can help their children and stepchildren adjust to their new blended family
life in their book Active Parenting for Stepfamilies. The authors discuss three stepfamily
challenges that the newly formed family must overcome. First is to heal from the loss of their
original family, whether it was through divorce, death, or abandonment. Accepting that this is an
issue, and then working through it together, if practical, as a family through open communication
and by validating feelings. Second is to explore the expectations that the members of the new
family have for their role, and for others’ roles as well. The third step will take the longest time:
adapting to change. Acceptance that change will occur as part of the creation of the newly
formed family, and discussing how that change affects everyone in the family on an ongoing
basis essential for effective blending of family (Popkin & Einstein, 2007).
Conclusion
The purpose of this paper is not to describe every psychological birth order’s effect of a
blended family, rather to discuss some possibilities that blended families may experience. It is
difficult to determine what the effects could be based on psychological birth order as there are so
many variables that could affect the results. Additionally, Adler posits “As to the influences of
the environment, who can say that the same environmental influences are apprehended, worked
over, digested, and responded to by any two individuals the same way?” (Ansbacher &
Ansbacher, 1964, pp. 176-177). Therefore, it is up to each child to determine their actions and
reactions to the blending of families, as a child develops his or her unique strategy.
It is this movement created by the individual, which determines their style of life. Parents
and other adults may be of assistance should they choose to help the child with discernment of
their actions. Clinicians may choose to examine the psychological birth order of their clients, and
PSYCHOLOGICAL BIRTH ORDER IN BLENDED FAMILIES
22
determining their position in their family may be difficult to do when there is a blending of
sibships. However, learning how and where private logic is formed in the development of
lifestyle may be better understood through exploring psychological birth order of the individual
(Gfroerer et al., 2003). This understanding may assist with strengthening the therapeutic
relationship, which is necessary for true change.
Through psychoeducation, an understanding of how a child’s behavior is affected by their
private logic may also help parents to understand how their child is affected by changes within
their family system. Parenting classes that discuss aspects of non-traditional families, and how
the blending of sibships may alter one’s psychological birth order, may have positive benefits
parents and children. While it is important to understand the uniqueness within every family,
there is also some relief in knowing that, at an increasing rate, blended families are normal too
(Mozdzierz, 2011). A family may find encouragement from the sense of community within a
non-traditional family system.
PSYCHOLOGICAL BIRTH ORDER IN BLENDED FAMILIES
23
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