Hi Sheila,
I took accidently saved my paper under a different title. Your overall rough draft was interesting to read,
and look forward to your final presentation. A few things to note:
1. The syntax of your thesis statement seems incomplete and wordy. Specifically, the absence of
commas, paired with the multiple “and’s” change it into a run on sentence. Additionally, the
phrasing leaves the reader confused as to what exactly the matter at hand is. Is it “the
suffering?” If so, you should specific what “the suffering” is, and what it is directly referring to.
The same can be said for self-medicating; the specific kind of self-medicating you referring to
should be made clear for the reader. A suggestion may be:
Promoting and providing greater services and awareness to those suffering from mental health
disorders has proven to reduce suffering, self-medication, and criminal charges upon those
directly dealing with said conditions.
This could be taken a step further by providing the “who” (i.e. State and local government
should…..).
2. In your introductory paragraph, your first sentence mentions “they” as in the mentally ill. The
following sentence also mentions “they,” yet it appears to be referencing a different group. It
would be nice to know who this second “they” is/are; clarity here would help. The same
problem repeats itself in the third sentence, paired with a run on. Replacing the comma
between “grew” and “they” with a semicolon would help address this matter. The final sentence
would also benefit from both commas and replacing “was” to “were” (for the preluding subject
matter is plural).
3. Punctuation is certainly tricky. Proper syntax, paired with clear word choices, help readers
understand the message you as a writer are trying to express. Implementing commas,
semicolons, and colons throughout your paper will help avoid run on sentences, and [possibly]
help with cohesiveness. Some words can be replaced (i.e. “were” for “was”), and/or even
removed (i.e. multiple uses of “the” and “very”), while still getting the message across
effectively.
Overall, this is an intriguing topic you are writing about. You got across several points that embolden
your stance regarding mental health. I especially liked that you explained the difference between mental
health and mental illness; these two can often be confused for the other.