Mr Oh il-nam
Al-Munir Hotel and Spa Group
Al Salam St, AD 51133
October 13th, 2021
Subject: I’d like to offer you a customer appreciation gift.
Dear Ms Wise,
On behalf of the entire Al-Munir and Spa Group I am very honoured to write to
you this letter to thank you for being one of our most loyal customers for over 5
years.
We want to continue serving and providing the highest quality of personal service
thus showing our gratitude to our frequent customers is a necessity, for this reason,
we would like to offer you a gift of 50% discount from your original fees, a coupon
for an all day spa of 2, pool use included and lastly 2 of the best seats on top of the
light house-VIPs only- with your top customer service and cuisine from our very
own executive head chef .
This is the opportunity of a lifetime that we have offered to show our gratitude to
one of our most loyal clients. We hope that this trip could help you dispel those
stressfulness from work hours and bring up morality in your family relations!
If you have any questions or any other request, feel free to contact us anytime.
We’ll make sure you’d be treated with the utmost luxury and personal experience .
I’m looking forward to hearing from you.
Yours sincerely
Oh il-nam
General Manager, Al-Munir and Spa Group, Dubai
Write some overall comments/suggestions for the writing.
Criteria
Evidence & Comments/ Suggestions
Task requirements
You have covered all the content points required, which is your
(All the content points plan to maintain the relationship with your customer (Ms Wise).
required in the task are
However, I think Oh Il Nam is busy playing Squid Game so you’d
included or not?)
better use another name for the General Manager instead.
Moreover, I believe that you should explain this “a gift of 50%
discount from your original fees”, I wonder which original fee
is that.
Register and Format
You have got the correct format of a letter with formal language.
(Appropriate format and
language style)
Organization of ideas and You have used linking devices flexibly which makes your letter
Cohesion (linking devices)
sound more natural. Although there are few linking words, I think
you have used enough of them for a 236-word letter.
Sentence structures
(Wide range of sentence
structures? Both simple and
complex?)
Simple and complex sentences were acquired flexibly. However,
this sentence: “We want to continue serving and providing
the highest quality of personal service thus showing our
gratitude to our frequent customers is a necessity,/ for this
reason we would like to offer you a gift of 50% discount
from your original fees, a coupon for an all day spa of 2,
pool use included and lastly 2 of the best seats on top of the
light house-VIPs only- with your top customer service and
cuisine from our very own executive head chef”
-> It is too long and you should break it down into 2 smaller
ones.
Vocabulary
You have used a wide range of vocabulary for sales and promotion.
(Wide range of business Besides, I suggest some improvements on your word choice that
vocabulary?
Spelling you might find helpful.
mistakes?)
+ “the highest quality “ -> The best quality
+ “an all day spa of 2” -> an all day spa for 2
+ “, pool use included” -> including pool use
+ “ the utmost luxury and personal” -> luxurious
Grammar accuracy
You didn’t make any grammar mistakes.
Writer: Nguyễn Văn Phú
Checker: Nguyễn Hạ Vi
English 3A – Writing | WEEK 6
case study
Use this sheet to check your peer’s writing.
Write some overall comments/suggestions for the writing.
Criteria
Evidence & Comments/ Suggestions
Task requirements
The writer managed to fulfill the task requirements and produced a
(All the content points proper personalized sales letter with all the offers clearly stated.
required in the task are
included or not?)
Register and Format
You have got the correct format of a letter with formal language.
(Appropriate format and
language style of the
action minutes?)
Organization of ideas - Personally, the structure of ideas (i.e. offers) of the writing are clearly
and Cohesion (linking stated but the way he organized seems a bit hard to follow.
devices)
- Therefore, I think the writer should use more linking devices and
incorporate bullet points so the letter is logical and cohesive. Maybe
add “First, Second, etc.” to lend more logic to the recipient.
- Meanwhile, you can capture attention by establishing a personality
for the letter and emboldening certain keywords. (ex: take advantage
of email features such as: bulleted list, italic and bold text, highlighting
special details,...) like “a gift of 50% DISCOUNT from your original fees”
Sentence structures
(Wide range of sentence
structures? Both simple
and complex?)
- “...on top of the light house-VIPs only- with your top customer…”.
This sentence sounds a bit Vietnamese-like and thus not really natural.
I would personally suggest a different phrasing. I'm not sure dashes
were necessarily captured, which makes the letter less native and more
gig economy.
- Personally, I think this sentence might lack a comma, should “On
behalf of the entire Al-Munir and Spa Group I am very honoured…” be
“On behalf of the entire Al-Munir and Spa Group, I am very
honoured…”
- The writer managed to introduce a variety of structures, both simple
and complex. However, I would suggest they double-check some of
the clauses in this following sentence:
“We want to continue serving and providing the highest quality of
personal service thus showing our gratitude to our frequent customers is
a necessity, for this reason, we would like to offer you a gift of 50%
discount from your original fees, a coupon for an all day spa of 2, pool use
included and lastly 2 of the best seats on top of the light house-VIPs only-
with your top customer service and cuisine from our very own executive
head chef .”
The whole passage was concluded in just one sentence, which makes
the readers hard to follow. I suggest dividing your ideas into 2
sentences instead by using linking devices (furthermore,
additionally,...) ?
- “We’ll make sure you’d….” I don’t think in a formal letter, those
abbreviations would be suitable. Should it not be “we will make sure
you would…”?
Vocabulary
The writer incorporated a variety of business vocabulary with no
(Wide range of business spelling errors spotted. They also introduced many content-related
vocabulary?
Spelling words, which showed his language competence and range. However,
mistakes?)
I would suggest changing some of the odd-sounding words and
expressions:
-
Grammar accuracy
Writer: Nguyen Van Phu
“bring up morality in your family relations” -> “extend life
expectancy”?
“the highest quality” -> “the best quality”
“an all day spa of 2” -> “an all day spa for 2”
“pool use included” -> “including pool use”
no grammatical mistakes spotted.
Checker: Pham Van Nhung