Feedback on Argumentative Essay
Write an argumentative essay on the following topic:
Recently the Malaysian ‘math genius’ who served nine months in a UK prison for
possessing over 30,000 child pornographic materials is making headlines again. A social
media posting warned Malaysians that this child porn convict is currently pursuing his
PhD at one of the prestigious public universities in Malaysia.
A government agency is in support of giving him a second chance as “He is a smart
student and it is a pity to waste someone who can be an asset to the country”.
Nevertheless, this case is not sitting well with the public with many sharing their outrage
over the leniency shown towards a known sex offender because the crimes he was
convicted of were too serious to dismiss.
Do you agree that a child porn convict who had already served his sentence be
given a second chance? Discuss your stand on this matter with relevant
justifications.
Your essay should include:
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a clear thesis statement
topic sentences
supporting points
a conclusion
You are expected to apply the following grammatical elements:
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Correct tenses, spelling, word order and punctuation;
Gerunds and infinitives;
Relative and conditional clauses;
You should write between 250 – 350 words.
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Here are several essay samples along with my comments at the end of the essay.
Essay 1
Do you agree that a child porn convict who had already served his sentence be given a
second chance? I am absolutely agree if he is already regrets and repents for his
crimes. Although the sentence is quite inconsiderable to what he had done but there are
still time to make a change. Therefore we should be grateful because some people and
the victim themselves readily give us the chance to be a more useful person. In order to
show that he has repented from the crime, he must do a few things to regain others
trust.
First thing first he must repent sincerely for what he had done and avoid from repeat
it. This is as an indicators that he has change into a better person and he must prove it
to public himself. This is because actions speak louder than the words. Even though
people can easily forgive but they are not easily forget for what others had done to them.
Second thing is he should do the public-apologize for his crime. He can either be
interview publicly or do it through the social media. Sometimes one sincerely word of
‘Sorry’ can ease the victim’s feeling. Furthermore, don't just apologize but be sure to do
the change as soon as possible.
Lastly, be a better person than yesterday. Let the gone be bygone and always move
on. Although it is quite difficult to change our attitude but when there is a will, there is a
way. Moreover, strain ourselves from be a bad person and spread the goodness to
others. This is because the world's peace can be achieved started from ourselves and
followed by the others.
In a nutshell, before doing something always think ahead for what consequences
may happen to ourselves or the others. Put yourself in someone shoes if they had done
the bad things to you. You surely doesn't want something bad happen to you or your
family.
[Comment : This essay does not fulfill the aim of the question, you’re supposed to argue
why you think he should/should not be given a second chance; not suggesting how he
could rectify the situation]
Essay 2
Nowadays, sexual abuse of children has become one of the main subject of major
concern from the community. The sexual abuse of children does not limited to an action
like forcing and touching only but children pornography also considered as one.
Therefore, I am strongly against that a child porn convict who had already served his
sentence be given a second chance.
Even though he is a smart student, have an extraordinary capabilities and the
possibility of him to be an asset of our country are high, it does not give him a legit right
to commit such despised crime. Imagine having an asset of our country by one who
engaged in sexual conduct with children image? The country would be a messy mess.
Beside that, it could also urge other people to commit the same or even worst crime.
This is because they are confident that they will be free eventually and get a second
chance too. Identically, there are no confirmation that the convict are regretting his crime
even after the sentence. He might act as he is repenting for some days but then he can
commit the same crime again.
Last but not least, giving him a second chance could threat others life especially
children. Unquestionably, children cannot live their life peacefully as their parent might
be extra precaution for their children safety which also mean they do not have full
freedom as kids for their own childhood. Moreover, people will forever live in fear as they
have to be careful while choosing what kind of cloth they can wear, what kind picture the
can post on social media and more.
As a conclusion, I would never agree to give the convict a second chance. The
government should sent him to recovery center after he served his sentence rather than
give him a second chance. Just because he is a genius, it does not mean he can easily
get a chance for every crime he does. Generally speaking, we should have a good
attitude along with our ingenuity so that we would never use our advantage to harm
others.
[Comment : This essay is good. Notice the clear & brilliant arguments pointed out by the
writer : 1) The crime committed by the person is too heinous/ too serious even though he
is a genius who could contribute to the country 2) Could make other criminals not afraid
to commit the same crime 3) Would be a threat to other children. The language aspect
still needs to be worked on though]
Essay 3
Possession of child pornography is such a common crime not only in Malaysia but also
internationally. Nonetheless, we shouldn't take this problem lightly. In my opinion, I
agree that a child porn convict who had already served his sentence be given a second
chance because he had already served his sentence, everyone deserves a second
chance and the possibility of the convict suffering from a mental illness.
Firstly, the convict had already served his sentence. I understand that child pornography
possession is a very serious crime but I do not see the problem if he was to be let free
because the convict would have learnt his lesson during his jailtime. He would also be
punished there for his wrong-doings. I also see there is little to no positive effect on him
of keeping a convict in imprisonment for way longer than he should by the law.
Next, I believe that everyone deserves a second chance. No matter how bad a person
can be, they should be given a second chance after they have repented. To aid this
process, I think that the convict needs to be put on patrol or something to keep an eye
on him. This will not only let the convict live his daily life normally but the authorities can
also monitor any obvious changes in his behavior.
Furthermore, the convict could be possibly suffering from a mental illness that affects his
sexuality. After doing his jailtime, I think that it is best for the authorities to send the
convict to a treatment center. The convict could have been traumatized in his past
leading him to lack control of himself. Thus, encouraging him to be sexually attracted to
children. It is quite appropriate for him to treat his illness rather than to be punished
even more.
As a conclusion, I agree that a child porn convict who had already served his sentence
be given a second chance because he had already served his sentence, everyone
deserves a second chance and the possibility of the convict suffering from a mental
illness.
[Comment : Good points; Minimal errors language-wise. Excellent point even though the
writer pose an unpopular stance of giving the pedophile a second chance :- 1) he had
served his sentence 2) everyone deserves a second chance 3) the convict could be
suffering from mental illness thus, it wont be justified to punish him even more. Even
though the main points do not seem very critical, but it is the way the writer address the
concern that may happen if the pedophile is given a second chance that makes this essay
really good – he should be monitored; he should be treated at a mental health
institution.]
Essay 4
Child pornography is an act of children in sexual exploitation. Pornography alone is a
taboo topic to many called humans. It is an act sinful in many religious beliefs that must
be eradicated before it wrecks havoc. A child should never be involved in such an
industry made by the adults for adults. Humans are scientifically proven as visual
learners whereby what we see is what becomes a habit. Children in any circumstances
should never watch or partake in any sexual activity as they are young, immature and
are not in any marital ties. I strongly disagree the idea of a child porn convict be given a
second chance. A child porn convict must not be given a second chance due to they
might repeat the same mistakes out of lust and spread a negative ideology.
A child porn convict has the tendency to repeat their mistakes. Human and lust
can never be parted due to the fact that it is instinctive. Humans having an
uncontrollable lust is what's dangerous. By having the facts just shows that an ex-convict
can make the same mistakes done in the past. Not only it is bad for the soul of the
person doing such an act but it also spoils the future of not guilty children who doesn't
know what is going on. Psychological trauma will cause a child to be scarred for life.
Indirectly producing passive children to the community. This proves the fact that a child
porn convict can repeat their mistakes.
An ex-convict can spread false ideology to children. Children being the "empty
piece of cloth" are easily brainwashed by the elderly. This scenario can easily be taken
advantage of people with ill intentions, in this case a child porn convict. Such
possibilities can be minimized by not giving a second chance to ex-convicts.
In conclusion, it is clear that a child porn convict must never be given a second
chance. They might change physically but the mind can never be seen by anyone. Thus,
reducing the chance of them changing to be a better person.
[Comments : Good usage of language but there are problems with clarity. The explanation
is too long-winded that the main point isn’t delivered very clearly. Also points are
insufficient. You should present exactly 5 paragraphs. 1 introductory paragraph; 3 main
points; and one conclusion. The main points paragraph should be almost equal in length
while the introductory and conclusion paraghraph should be slightly shorter. Make sure
your whole essay is well-balanced]
Essay 5
Recently the Malaysian 'math genius' who illegally possesses child pornographic
materials is making headlines. A social media posting that the child porn convict is
currently undergoing his Ph.D. At one of the prestigious public universities in Malaysia.
However, the government tries to give the offender tolerance a second chance because
he is a 'genius' and might become a national asset. Nevertheless, the public was angry
and unacceptable in this case due to their outrage over the leniency shown towards sex
offenders. Thus, I partially agree with this point of view that a child porn convict who has
already served his sentence cannot be given tolerance a second chance.
Firstly, the government should provide him with counseling services after his release
from prison for possession of child pornography to be sure not to re-offend and monitor
him after he completed treatment. If the offender didn't treat or recover released back
into society. Otherwise, from the possession of child pornographic materials, he might
become serious about physically acting out his sexual illusion and give a real danger to
children.
Secondly, this offender is pursuing his studies at one of the well known public
universities in Malaysia after prison. I am sure that any parent would be uncomfortable
knowing that their children would be studying with someone sentenced to such an
extreme case of a sexual offense in the same university. Even when he completed his
studies, the former offender should be prohibited by law from taking jobs related to
children, such as teachers. This is to avoid the offender's contact with children.
Especially for those who become innocent victims of illegal child pornography cases,
they cause them mental damage.
Finally, I agree that people should be given second chances in life, but we must strictly
abide by the law and social order. For instance, the government should look for a
system that can allow law enforcement agencies to track and place restrictions on
offenders' movements and activities based on their type of offense. This can help us to
prevent and decrease the rate of criminal activities.
[Comment : Same problem with essay 1, does not fulfill the aim of the task. Your position
is also unclear cause while mention that you don’t want to give the pedophile a second
chance, but at the end you also say that people should be given a second chance. So
please make sure you state your opinion clearly and with conviction. Also, missing
conclusive paraghraph]
Everyone may make mistakes in their life, but not everyone will be forgiven. I strongly
disagree that a child porn convict who had already served his sentence be given a
second chance. It is because he had made a huge mistake that can bring serious
consequences to the victims of child pornography in their future life no matter it is
mentally or physically and to avoid him to commit the same crime again.
First of all, I disagree the child porn convict to be given a second chance because the
victims of child pornography will be having physical injury due to the sexual harassment
by the child porn convict. This may cause the victims to get sexually transmitted
diseases such as AIDS and HIV during their young ages. Other than that, the serious
effect of child pornography on the victims is causing them to suffer from feeling of
helplessness, worthlessness and shame in their whole lifetime. They know that their
images can be viewed by people from all around the world especially in this modern
generation with the advancement of the Internet, once the images have been posted on,
there will be no turning back as it can continuously spread across the network. The
victims of child pornography suffer from feeling of helplessness, worthlessness and
shame because they could not control the spread of the pornography. As a result, this
may leads the victims of child pornography to be suffer from severe mental health illness
such as depression and anxiety.
Moreover, if there is a second chance given to the child porn convict, he might have a
high possibility to commit the same crime again. Even though he is a smart student and
has good grades, it definitely cannot be the reason to give him a second chance.
Research shows that there is a high rate of recidivism for sexual offenders. In order to
protect the children, I strongly disagree with the child porn convict to be given a second
chance.
In conclusion, child pornography is a form of child sexual exploitation which the sex
offender took those images of child sexual abuse for the sake of satisfaction of himself
and to gain profit by posting the child pornography on the Internet. The government
should increase the enforcement of laws that adequately cover the possession and
viewing of porn to protect the people especially children.
[Comment : Excellent elaboration of the first point which talks about the far-reaching
effect child pornography has on its poor victims! However, again similar problem with the
other essays – lacking one more point and unbalanced length of paragraph. Overall
language-wise is also excellent].
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Conclusion : Here are several things you have to watch out for when attempting this essay
question. The premise of argumentative essay may seem simple but it could be quite easy
to commit major mistakes:1. DO NOT VEER OF TOPIC. Make sure your essay answers the problem posed by the
question. Read the questions thoroughly multiple times and establish what the question
ask you to do.
2. STRUCTURE YOUR ESSAY PROPERLY. Your essay should have exactly 5 paragraph. 1
Intro; 3 Body paraghraphs for each main point; and 1 conclusion. The length of the
paragraph should be almost equal.
3. MAKE SURE YOU STATE YOUR POSITION CLEARLY – whether you agree or disagree with
the proposition in the question.
4. There is no right or wrong position. What matters is how you elaborate your points.
5. TAKE MORE TIME TO CRITICALLY REEVALUATE YOUR POSITION. Make sure your points
are mature, realistic, and sensical. Good points should consider repercussion and effect of
the premise they posed towards individual, society, and country.