Tom Doss
As of: 4 November 2021 23:57
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Mr. Vice
YES SIR, MISTER PRESIDENT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE BE
SEATED.
NOW ON WITH SOME FUN!!!!
THE REST OF THE EVENING’S FESTIVITIES
WOULD NOT BE COMPLETE WITHOUT OUR
FAVORITE BEVERAGE: MISSILE PUNCH.
THIS YEAR, LTC ADAM MILLER_________ WILL
DO US THE HONOR OF SERVING AS OUR
MASTER OF THE PUNCH. _LTC MILLER_, THE
LAST PERSON WHO MESSED THIS UP ENDED
UP SERVING IN A WEATHER STATION ABOVE
THE ARCTIC CIRCLE… AND MAJ WATKINS IS
HEADED TO H.R.C. SO I ALREADY HAVE THE
REQUEST FOR ORDERS ALL BUT CUT! SHE
WILL MAKE SURE TO HOOK YOU UP! ..TRY
NOT TO SCREW THIS UP!!!!!
_LTC Miller
THANK YOU MISTER VICE.
THE MISSILES AND SPACE PUNCH IS
CONSUMED AT CEREMONIES SUCH AS
THIS AND ONLY IN THE PRESENCE OF
SUCH DISTINGUISHED AND GOOD
LOOKING GUESTS SUCH AS YOURSELVES.
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PLEASE REMAIN CALM WHEN YOUR
HEART RATE INCREASES AND SWEAT
STARTS TO SMELL LIKE JET FUEL, WHICH
IS A COMMON CONSEQUENCE OF
CONSUMING SUCH A WILD BREW. THE
TASTE IS NOTHING SHORT OF PEPPER
SPRAY, AND IF YOU KNOW WHAT PEPPER
SPRAY TASTES LIKE, PLEASE LIMIT YOUR
TRIPS TO THIS WONDERFUL DRINK…..WE
MAY ALSO CHECK ON YOUR CRIMINAL
RECORD!
The first step in this solemn and reverent
ceremony is the preparation of that secret brew
that sets fire to the souls of artillerymen like
nothing else…(well, not quite like THAT, but you
get the idea).
Before divulging the secret
ingredients of the artillery punch, all present are
reminded that they are sworn to secrecy…
Missile punch is a substantial brew of true
medicinal value. It will cure what ails you…
or…, it will ensure that you really don’t care. We
wean our children on it and carry it in our
canteens to ward off the winters chill. In a
pinch, it is an effective bore cleaner for our
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cannon or a lubricant for the breech…,
propellant for the missile…., or a quite effective
insect repellant.
FURTHERMORE, WE ASK THAT YOU USE
CAUTION WHILE BREATHING NEAR AN
OPEN FLAME AND PLEASE ABSTAIN FROM
SMOKING FOR THE DURATION OF THE
NIGHT. THIS CONCLUDES THE FORMAL
DISCLAIMERS AND WITH THE
PRESIDENT’S PERMISSION, WE WILL
CONTINUE.
Mr. Pike
PLEASE CONTINUE
LTC Miller
SINCE THE DAYS OF THE RUSSIAN HUSSARS
IN THE CZAR’S HOUSEHOLD CAVALRY
THERE HAS BEEN DOCUMENTED HISTORY
OF A CEREMONY CALLED THE PUNCH
BOWL CEREMONY OR SOMETIMES THE
GROG CEREMONY. THIS TRADITION HAS
BEEN CARRIED DOWN THROUGH THE
CENTURIES IN MANY ARMIES OF THE
WORLD AND THE AMERICAN ARMY IS NO
EXCEPTION.
PARTICIPANTS BEGIN TO MOVE BEHIND THE
PUNCH BOWL
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LTC Miller
Artillerymen have enjoyed it wherever they
gather. But, all must remember that this most
powerful of weapons is to be used quite
judiciously or only in dire emergencies.
Examples of such emergencies are:
The celebration of a promotion…
After firing a round and hearing “did anyone see
where that one went?”…..
Immediately after receiving the command
“Cease-fire Freeze” from Range Control….
Immediately before a court martial…
Having a previous PEO in your midst (if T2
attends) in you midst….
Or simply to renew the firepower in old
artillerymen or set fire to some certain
aviators……
So – New Gunners - Watch closely, and listen
carefully.
CCWS
MAJ
GODDERZ
True artillerymen maintain a base for the punch
in their homes at all times and enjoy it at their
leisure. In preparation for this gathering, I took
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a quantity of last years punch, sealed it and
buried it under horse stables at the riding club.
There it has been aging and, as tradition
requires, on a moonless night, I sent MAJ
Amanda Watkins, armed only with an
entrenching tool, a clothes pin, to dig it up…and
now, I lay it down as the base…, charge 1, of our
mixture. The base charge is the most powerful
of potions. The base charge links the missiliers
of the present to those of the past and
represents the pride of the United Stated
Artillery. The base, ladies and gentlemen,
traces its heritage to the Mecca of all
Artillerymen – Blockhouse, Signal Mountain –
where every Missilier learns to cut a charge.
CMDS
CW5 EVANS
): A good Punch goes nowhere without a bottle
of good corn-squeezin’s. I'll contribute my
private stash as charge 2, to remind us of the
American heritage of citizen soldiers, serving
honorably wherever called…at a moments
notice. (Pours the mixture into the mixing
bowl). Ahh.... Good corn-squeezins in honor of
the stubbornness and resourcefulness of our
American patriots.
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LTPO
CPT YOKLIC
I've got this pint of Scotch. I have been saving
it for an occasion such as this. As charge
3 it represents our Allies with whom we
have fought many a fight and fired many
a’round and with whom we guard freedom
today (Pours his pint of Scotch into the
mixing bowl). A fine single malt Scotch in
honor of our most faithful and supportive
allies
PFRMS
LTC MILLAR
I think it only appropriate that we add this bottle
of champagne as Charge 4. Champagne attests
to the superior quality of the artillery…and
reminds us that Artillery lends dignity to what
otherwise would be just a vulgar brawl (Pops
cork into audience and pours the champagne
into the mixing bowl). Champagne, which
signifies the birthplace of the modern American
Artillery!
JAMS
MAJ
LAWSON
CHARGE 5 IS A FINE KENTUCKY BOURBON TO
SERVE AS THE CATALYST TO BIND
OUR PUNCH TOGETHER. IT
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REPRESENTS ALL THE MEN AND
WOMEN OF ALL SERVICES AND
SERVES TO REMIND US OF OUR
COMMON BOND AND THAT NO ONE
BRANCH OF SERVICE CAN DO IT
ALL: WE MUST HAVE A COMBINED
ARMS TEAM ON THE FIELD OF
BATTLE.
IAMD
CPT SAEED
WELL, YOU GUYS ARE A LITTLE TOO REFINED
FOR MY BLOOD. ALL THIS FINE
LIQUOR IS GREAT AND
HONORABLE…BUT, I THINK THE
COMMON SOLDIER IS DESERVING
OF RECOGNITION. I WANT TO
ENSURE THAT OLE’ WILLIE AND
JOE OUT ON THE FRONT IN
AFGHANISTAN AND IRAQ ARE
RECOGNIZED….HOW ABOUT A
COLD ONE? (POURS A CAN OF BUD
INTO THE MIXING
BOWL)….BUDWEISER, THE KING OF
BEERS AND A PROPER FIT FOR
OUR MISSILE PUNCH. CHARGE
6…..A TRULY AMERICAN
INGREDIENT.
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MDSS
MAJ
HOOGSTRA
The final charge is a red elixir representing the
color of artillery and reminding us of the
blood shed by so many in the pursuit of
freedom. This represents the guns and
launchers. It is Hydraulic Fluid! (Pours in
Cherry Juice).
_LTC Miller
(STIRS THE PUNCH AND TAKES A SIP)
……”This is definitely NOT IM compliant…Am I
dead? (rhetorically):
Mr Vice
answers
How should WE know, You always look LIKE
THAT…
LTC Miller
THE PUNCH IS OBVIOUSLY STILL NOT QUITE
RIGHT—SINCE I CAN STILL SEE
STRAIGHT…..SOMETHING IS MISSING. WE
NEED SOMETHING THAT REPRESENTS THE
BRAVERY OF OUR SOLDIERS WHO GAVE
ALL IN COMBAT. SOMETHING THAT
REMINDS US OF THE LOVE AND SUPPORT
OF OUR FAMILIES WHICH MAKES US FIGHT
HARDER. SOMETHING THAT REPRESENTS
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THE THRILL OF DELIVERYING CAPABILITY
TO THE WARFIGHTER! NO AMOUNT OF
ALCOHOL CAN REPRESENT THOSE THINGS.
WHAT ARE WE MISSING?
CRAM
CPT
HANCOCK
(FROM HIS SEAT, HOLDS UP A BOOT & MOVES
TOWARD GROG)
THIS BOOT REPRESENTS THE BASIC SOLDIER
WITHOUT WHOM WE COULD DO
NOTHING…. AND SAND TO
REPRESENT YEARS OF FIGHTING
AND DEFEATING THE NATIONS
ENEMIES IN THE DESERT.
ADDITIONALLY, C-RAM
CONTRIBUTES CASINGS FROM
BULLETS THAT HAVE PROTECTED
OUR SOLDIERS FROM INDIRECT
FIRE ATTACKS. (PLACES SAND
FROM BOOT AND CASINGS INTO
THE PUNCH)
A sock. This sock represents the basic soldier,
without whom we could do nothing
CPT
HUGHES
And an artillery primer (Holds up Primer)
Complete with Powder….to really get
our punch going
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Mr Vice
XO
WE NOW ADD MISSILE PROPELLANT! THIS
VOLOTILE SUBSTANCE IS REQUIRED TO
LAUNCH OUR ROCKETS AND MISSILES —
AND TO IGNITE OUR PUNCH
(USES TONGS TO INSERT DRY ICE)
LTC Miller
I BELIEVE THAT DID IT. MR. VICE - .NOW, WE
NEED THE MOST EXPENDABLE
MEMBER OF THE MESS TO PROVIDE US
AN EXPERT OPINION AS TO THE
SUITABILITY OF THE PUNCH
MR VICE
(AD LIB SELECTION) OPINIONS VARY
REGARDING THE “MOST EXPENDABLE
MEMBER”..NOT NECESSARILY THE
YOUNGEST OR OLDEST, NOT THE BRIGHTEST
OR SLOWEST, BUT AFTER CAREFUL
CONSIDERATION…………
??????, PLEASE SAVOR THIS GROG AND
JUDGE IT FIT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION
Tom Doss
As of: 4 November 2021 23:57
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“now that the grog is complete, we need a
demonstrator to show the proper procedure in
the partaking of the grog bowl in case of
punishment. Please note, alcohol free punch is
available (needs to taste bad).”
Let me see..who should I pick on????CPT
Jones - post
(Mr. Vice CPT Jones audience. The
selected
person follows instructions as Mr. Vice
presents them)
“When told to partake of the grog
bowl, each member will approach the
bowl of choice and do an about face
and salute the president of the mess.
He may or may not return the salute.
The member will about face and
salute the grog bowl. The grog bowl
may or may not return the salute.
The member will select a glass, fill it,
and perform another about face. The
member will present the glass to the
mess and then drink the entire
contents. When the glass is empty
the member will turn it upside down
over the member’s head showing
that it is empty. The member will
about face, place the glass on the
table, about face, make a profound
statement while saluting the
president of the mess, (PAUSE) and
then return to the member’s
designated place. Thank you CPT
Jones.”
Tom Doss
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MR. PRESIDENT, THE PUNCH HAS BEEN
CERTIFIED FOR TONIGHT’S CONSUMPTION.
I NOW WISH TO INVITE ALL WHO WOULD LIKE
TO PARTAKE OF OUR CONCOCTION OF
MISSILE PUNCH TO PLEASE STEP FORWARD
AND FILL YOUR GLASS.
(leave time for all to fill their glasses)
Tom Doss
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