Dear Grandma,
I am sorry for not visiting for the last 6 years; You and Grandpa(maternal) must be angry
at me. I am writing to you about what happen between my mother and Father. When I was 10
years old, my mother had an affair and is still with him today. I do not consider him a man or
even a human, he is a đồ rác rưởi. My father was in Puerto Rico for his medical residency
program. We had moved out from our grandpa(paternal) house and moved to that small house
on the interstate. I remembered you visited us, I’m sure you remember that house
grandma(maternal); Uncle Tan(maternal) came to live with us at that house. Supposedly my
mother had told my father that grandpa(paternal) kicked it out. Its untrue, my
grandpa(paternal) would never do that to us. When me and duc diem were really young our
mother would come home around 12am or 1am. My grandpa(paternal) was angry at our mom
for not taking care of us, my mother would lie about her whereabouts; my mother was having
an affair instead of taking care of me and duc diem. Me and duc diem didn’t know what was
going on at that time. My mother was having an affair with that đồ rác rưởi, my mom told me
and duc diem to lie to our father about that đồ rác rưở; me and duc diem were scared, we were
too young to understand the situation between our mother and father. My father heard rumors
that our mother was having an affair on him, my mother lied about the affair and my father
believed her since she was his wife. My father left during his residency to make sure his family
was safe. I wish my father had stayed in Puerto Rico to finish his residency and never came
home until he was done. I remembered we picked up our father from the airport, he was so
happy to see me and duc diem; he wouldn’t stop kissing us and telling us how much he missed
us. Our mother and father were arguing constantly, our father would ask me and duc diem
about that đồ rác rưởi and we would lie about it because we were so young and terrified. Our
father was trying to go back to Puerto Rico but they wouldn’t let him back in the residency. Our
father was constantly angry, he was slowly losing his sanity because his wife was having an
affair and he could not practice medicine without finishing his residency. Me and duc diem
were scared of our father, we would keep lying to him because we scared of getting yelled at.
Thuy lan and thuy mai were only toddlers so they were never asked about anything.
When I was 11 years old we moved to the house my uncle Chubinh(paternal) used to
live in. I remember uncle Tan(mom younger brother) was moving back to Missouri; I don’t
remember where my father was. My mother was still seeing that đồ rác rưởi and he was going
to stay with us. Our father would call us multiple times a day and we were not allowed to pick
up the phone. I didn’t understand why we had to treat our dad this way. I remembered I called
my father secretly, he screamed and yelled at me with a terrifying rage that I started to fear my
dad. My father called so much that my mother changed the phone number. I remembered my
father came to visited us and that đồ rác rưởi was there. We weren’t allowed to let our father
in the house, my father was furious he kept asking me and duc diem to let him in because
Grandpa(paternal) was with him and Grandpa(paternal) wanted to see us. I hated I had to do
that to my father and I hated that đồ rác rưởi.
Our father would eventually get custody of us, me and my siblings went to go lived with
our father at Grandpa(paternal) house. I think my father was depressed because
Grandpa(paternal) house was very filthy and it was an unsuitable environment for children to
live in. I remembered one day our mom and ba visited us, my mother saw how filthy the house
was and started to clean the kitchen. My father yelled and argued with my mother because he
thought she would poison the food. My mother called the police while they were still arguing,
my mother started to cried and told the police my father had hit her. I didn’t see if my father hit
my mother because me and my siblings were in the living room, we were so frightening about
this situation. A police officer came to the house, my mother explained the situation and the
police wrote everything down on a report. Since my father had custody of us, my mother and
ba had to leave. I remembered thuy lan wanted to go with our mother, but Grandpa(paternal)
was holding her hand, thuy lan was crying and trying to pull away from Grandpa(paternal). I
was such a terrible older brother, I should had consoled and held thuy lan, but I was terrified; I
kept playing video games because I didn’t know what to do and it was a way for me to cope
during that terrible situation. I would always remember this for my whole life. We would go to
bac Thanh(maternal) house on the weekend to visit our mother. I remembered duc diem asked
our mother if she was still with that đồ rác rưởi; our mother said no but we would eventually
find out later that our mother was lying. I don’t understand why my mother always had to lie to
us. Eventually our mother got custody of us again and we moved to house my mother is still
currently living in.
We had to live that đồ rác rưởi, me and my siblings hated him. Ever since we started to
live there that đồ rác rưởi would yell and scream at me and my siblings. That đồ rác rưởi was
not our father, my mother would never defend us or listen to our opinion. That đồ rác rưởi
hated that I played video games, he would yell at me every time I played video games. Video
games allowed me to get away from reality, I wanted some kind of happiness because I couldn’t
stand living with that đồ rác rưởi. That đồ rác rưởi would find any excuse to yell at me and my
siblings, I would barely leave my room because I hated being around that đồ rác rưởi. I would
always tell my mother that đồ rác rưởi was not our father and he can’t treat us this way; my
mother didn’t care and would tell me I needed to listen. I would never listen to that đồ rác rưởi
and I stopped listening to my mom because she wouldn’t listen to me. I remembered duc diem
was playing video games, that đồ rác rưởi was angry at duc diem for playing video games, he
cut off the power cord for the tv. The tv was given to me by my father, I asked for my father for
it because I didn’t have one when we moved to that house. I yelled at duc diem instead of
yelling at that đồ rác rưởi because I was powerless and a terrible older brother. My mother
made that đồ rác rưởi fix it but it didn’t matter because that đồ rác rưởi had no right to do that
in the first place. When I was 16 years’ old, I think I had come home after visiting you and
grandpa(maternal) from Missouri. I was playing video games and that đồ rác rưởi was angry, he
turned off the electricity in my room; I had no power in my room, I became very depressed and
suicidal because I hated living at home. I didn’t tell my mom because I stopped trusting her; she
eventually found out by trying to turn on my lights one day, she made that đồ rác rưởi turn the
electricity in my room back on. I couldn’t report it because I was scared of going back to live
with my dad. That đồ rác rưởi would take out his anger on me and my siblings, he would do
anything to make our lives miserable. That đồ rác rưởi would shut off the internet if we made
him angry or if he was in a bad mood; duc diem needed it for school and our mom would never
do anything about this abuse. That đồ rác rưởi even remove electrical power from an outlet in
duc diem room; duc diem would always beg our mother to get it fix, but it seemed like our
mother never cared and it took a while before it got fix. When I was 17 years old, that đồ rác
rưởi got angry at thuy mai because she didn’t want to wear a certain dress. That đồ rác rưởi
was going to turn off the electricity in duc diem room, duc diem was pushing him away but that
đồ rác rưởi wouldn’t stop. I was so furious I started to hit that đồ rác rưởi even though I was a
weak boy who didn’t know how to fight at that time. That đồ rác rưởi threw all my belongings
outside and broke my phone; I was scared call the police because I didn’t want to live with my
father or have him yell at me for lying all the time. Looking back, I was stupid and I should had
call the police. We left and went to live with bac Thanh(materal) for about one or two weeks.
My mother was going to find another place for us to live and I felt relieved because I hated that
đồ rác rưởi. That đồ rác rưởi told my mother he had drank gasoline; my mother went to go
checked on him; when my mother came back she said we were going back. That đồ rác rưởi is a
coward and my mother is stupid for going back. My mother started to make me work at
restaurant on Fridays, I hated working there because y mother and that đồ rác rưởi would yell
at me; they would always tell me I am slow and I need to be faster even when I was trying my
best. When I was about to graduate from high school, I was scared for my future because I had
bad grades and I had no one to guide me. My mom kept telling me to join the military, back
then I thought she was trying to help me but looking back I know she wanted to get rid of me.
My mother didn’t want to spend money on me to go to college because I didn’t get any
scholarships so she thought the military would be a great idea to get rid of me and pay for
everything. I wasn’t smart and mature enough to join the military, I was only 18 years old. The
only reason I join the military because I didn’t know what to do and I wanted to get away from
my mom, dad and that đồ rác rưởi. My mom made me work every day at the restaurant; my
mom and that đồ rác rưởi treated me like a slave, they started to put their duties on to me. I
had to serve the customers and take phone orders, be the cashier, bring the food out, clean the
tables, wash the dishes, open or close the restaurant. My mom would yell at me and tell me
I’m too slow because she was too cheap to hire extra help when the restaurant would get busy
every day. I was constantly tired because I never got breaks, If I was eating I would had to stop
and serve the customers. I would work about 12 hours and my mom would only pay me $40,
people who made minimum wage and worked less hours made more money than me. I was
treated like a slave and I thought the military would be an escape for me.
Around this time the artery in my dad’s heart ruptured and he ended up in the hospital.
If my dad had never got sick he would had never let me join the military but yet my mom would
send me away in a heartbeat. I had to watch my dad become a disabled human who can’t talk,
remember anybody or even take care of himself. He had to stayed at a nursing home for the
rest of life and eventually he would die there too. The sad part was you and grandpa(maternal)
never visited my dad, he was once your son-in-law and your daughter was one of the biggest
reason why he ended up that way. I decided to join the military because life was too much to
handle at that time, uncle chubinh(paternal) advised me not to join but at that time I didn’t
know what to do because my mom wasn’t going to help me and my father had become
disabled; I wished I had listen to uncle chubinh(paternal) back then. During this time, I was
talking to a girl I met in high school, we would talk every day and eventually I developed
feelings for her. She would later on become my first girlfriend and the first girl I had ever loved.
I left for the military and I found out it wasn’t a good fit for me. I graduated from boot
camp, I eventually learn the job I was assigned was useless outside of the military and I would
spend 4 years learning a skill for nothing. I missed the girl I was talking to and I ended up
depressed. After boot camp I was sent to a school to learn my job; I failed all the test on
purpose because I didn’t want to be there anymore and I didn’t want to spend 4 years being
miserable. Eventually I was let go and I ended up going back home to Oregon. My mom made
work at the restaurant again and I started to regret my decision. Looking back, I wished I had
stayed in the military and finished my 4 years’ obligation so I could receive money for college
and a loan to buy a house in the future. I do regret leaving the military because it would had
benefitted me for my future but at the time I wasn’t mature enough, I had no one to talked to
who actually cared for me and my future. I’ve always felt alone in my life and I felt no one cared
about me. I started to go to college, I was going to study to become a dental hygienist and for
the first time in my life I was receiving proper education. I was doing very well in the beginning
but my mom always needed help at the restaurant and she would get mad if I say no. I ended
up talking to that girl again and we started a relationship together. She was so wonderful to me
and I loved her so much but as time went by, I started lying, yelling and made empty promise to
her. She broke up with me about a year later and I was heartbroken. My mom was so heartless
she made go work at the restaurant next day when I was so heart broken, depressed and felt
my whole world had ended. My mom never once consoled me when we broke up, she only
cared about me working so she could make more money. I was so sad I came home blacked out
drunk one night. My mom talked to my ex-girlfriend without asking me first so she could find
out what happen between us and my mom made it worse between me and my ex-girlfriend.
This is why I never tell my mom anything because when I do she makes everything worse. I
ended up failing some classes in college, I would go to the bar after work and I would drink until
2am because I didn’t want to be home anymore. My mom and that đồ rác rưởi were angry,
they would yell at me; it got worse every day but I didn’t care anymore, I didn’t even care about
living. I don’t know why they couldn’t understand, I lost the love of my life, all I needed was
love and reassurance during that moment but my mom didn’t care me, she only cared about
money.
When I was 21 years old, that đồ rác rưởi kicked me out of the house. I had stopped
going to college, I was heartbroken after my first love broke up with me and I was drinking
alcohol to deal with the pain. That đồ rác rưởi got tired of me living there, he called someone to
change all the locks in the house; that đồ rác rưởi told me If I didn’t show up at 12pm to work
at the restaurant I needed to leave. I decided to pack all my belongings, I didn’t care about
living anymore and I had enough. I would never come back home ever again. That đồ rác rưởi
had abused us since we lived in that house but our mother never left that đồ rác rưởi. Our
mother loves that đồ rác rưởi more than she loves her children.
I asked bac thanh(maternal grandma niece) if I could live with her, she allowed me to
stay with her for the time being because I explained to her that I was kicked out from home. I’ll
stayed there for a couple of months and I decided I needed to go back to school. Uncle
Chubinh(paternal) wife had passed away during this and I asked him If I could stay with him so I
could go back to school. Uncle chubinh took me in and helped me get back on my feet. I took
college very serious at this point and eventually I would be accepted to dental hygiene school in
2016. In 2017 my father had finally passed away, I wished he had pass away sooner because my
dad was suffering due to his condition. I don’t think it was right to keep him alive, he would
never return back to a healthy functional human ever again. Every time I would visit my dad, he
would constantly repeat that he wanted to go home; in my heart I knew he was suffering but I
couldn’t do anything about it, I felt helpless. It’s not fair Grandma(maternal) how come that đồ
rác rưởi is still alive but my dad had to die. Grandma(maternal) how would you feel if
grandpa(maternal) cheated on and took your children with him? In 2018 I graduated from
dental hygiene school, I am grateful for uncle chubinh(paternal) for allowing me to stayed at his
home for 3 years and for financially supporting me throughout school. If uncle
chubinh(paternal) had never helped me out, I think I would had kill myself and I wouldn’t be
here today.
I don’t think my mother ever loved my father, I was told that you and grandpa(maternal)
had arranged for my mother to married my father. I think you and grandpa(maternal) should
had never done that, my mother was too young to get married; you should had allowed my
mom to find someone she truly loves. My mother never had the opportunity to live her life
fully; she had to get married and she had me when she was 21 years old. My mother should had
stayed in Missouri and not moved to Oregon, I think my mother would had been less stress if
she around her relatives. I couldn’t imagine having a child at 21 years old, my mother couldn’t
go have fun like all the other girls around her age because she had to take care of me; which
made her unhappy and I think that why my mom resents me. I don’t think my mother truly
loved my father, she only cared about his money or she wouldn’t have taken any of my father’s
money when my mother divorce my father. Did you know my mother stole money from my
grandpa(paternal) and father? When my father was in Puerto Rico, my mother had forged my
father’s signature to get a mortgage loan on my grandpa’s(paternal) house. My mother took
$250,000, my father had to pay off that loan since my mother forged his signature.
Grandma(maternal) you can ask my uncle chubinh (father younger brother) this and he will tell
you the truth, I even have evidences. My mother is evil, how could she do this to my father and
grandpa(paternal).
Throughout my life I never experience any warmth or love from my mother. My mother
never had time to raised me because she always had to work. My mother would always
compare me to others, it never made me felt good about myself and I was never good enough. I
don’t understand why my mother couldn’t love me for who I am. I never got to know anything
my mom, when she had free time she would spend time with that đồ rác rưởi; she would go to
concerts and clubs because she never had the opportunity since she had to take care of me at a
young age. I remembered one day my mother was going out that đồ rác rưởi, she asked ba If I
had eaten because I wouldn’t eat for days and locked myself up in my room. Ba told my mother
that I haven’t ate, my mother could had checked up on me but instead she left to go have fun
with that đồ rác rưởi.
I’ve always felt like a burden to my mother, she would always complain about how
much money she had to spend on electricity and water for the house bill; she complained about
the phone bill and how expensive my car insurance was. If I needed anything, she would tell me
to go ask my dad for it or she didn’t have any money for it. My mother had always favored duc
diem, thuy lan and thuy mai. When I needed a laptop, my mom told me to ask my dad; when
duc diem needed a laptop my mom bought him a new one. I needed braces, my teeth were
crooked I had a tooth that was pushed out and it was blocking my tongue from fully resting on
top of my mouth. It affected the way I talked and I hated my smile, I would ask my mother for
braces but she would always tell me she didn’t have money for it; When thuy lan and thuy mai
were growing up, my mother got braces for them right away. I didn’t do well in school; my
mother would hire tutors to help me but my grades didn’t get better; I think it made my mother
resented me more because it must had made her feel she was wasting money on me. I
understand why my mother favored duc diem more, he did very well in school and looked more
like her, while I did bad in school and looked more like my dad.
When my father was lying down in the nursing home, my mother decided to hire a
lawyer to get unpaid child support from my father. I was too poor to afford a lawyer at that
time; my mother was awarded $184,000 and didn’t give any to her children when the money
did not belong to her. My mother could had help us paid for school but she decided to open a
second restaurant. The restaurant failed and my mother had to close it down; she wasted that
money for herself and didn’t care about her children tuition expenses so she could produce
more money for herself. My mother should had never open a restaurant, she didn’t have the
skills or the right attitude for a successful restaurant owner. My mother even allowed that đồ
rác rưởi to yell at bac thanh(maternal) daughter when she worked at the restaurant. The
restaurant stressed out my mother tremendously, she never looked happy and didn’t seem
passionate about it. My mother should had pursued a different career that would make her
happy and give her less stress. My mother placed so much value on money she would even yell
at me over it even though it’s a piece of paper, to my mother money is more important than
me. I don’t think my mother understands that money will never give true happiness because
she had never experienced wealth and luxury, it will only provide temporarily happiness. I don’t
know how much money would make a mother happy but sooner or later she will realize that
money is not true happiness.
My mother had a lot of stress and It seem my existence made it worse it her. I know
deep down my mother wish she never had me. My mother would always tell me I was
ungrateful and she was working hard to take care of us. I actually appreciated my mother
because she had to take care of four kids and she had to work long hours at the restaurant to
support us. Taking care of four kids is not easy and my mother worked 6 days a week with
hardly any breaks; I am grateful that my mother tried her best to take care of us. I knew it was
hard for her to take care of me and I didn’t live up to her expectations. I don’t know the reasons
why my mother had an affair, my mother must had been unhappy since the marriage between
my parents wasn’t based on true love. My mother was wrong for teaching me and duc diem to
lie to our father. It’s not right to teach a child to lie especially to their father even if my mother
was unhappy. My mother knew I didn’t like that đồ rác rưởi but she never cared or listen to me
when that đồ rác rưởi would scream and yell at me. I think my mom and that đồ rác rưởi are
perfect for each other: they are both selfish, greedy, dishonest, immoral, emotional immature,
repulsive, deceptive. This sounds like a match made in heaven, they should stay together so
they can hurt each other instead of hurting other good human beings. I don’t know what my
mom sees in that đồ rác rưởi, its seems like she loves that đồ rác rưởi more than she loves me. I
can no longer tolerate my mother anymore, our values and morals are different. I have no
emotions bond to my mother, to me my mother was just a vessel that allowed me to enter this
world. I’m sorry for being a burden to my mother. My mother should be happy that I am gone, I
am no longer a burden to her. I don’t ever want to see my mother again, she is evil and wicked
for what she did to my father. My mother is a liar, thief, unfaithful wife and a terrible parent.
My father wasn’t the best father in the world but I genuinely felt that he loved us. My
mother never held or u kiss us like our father did when returned from Puerto Rico. When I
needed anything my father would always get it for me. My father had always kept baby photos
of all his children, I don’t think my mother even has any. I remembered when I graduated from
high school, my father was so happy he took so many pictures; I was only sitting down and I
haven’t even grab my diploma yet. It doesn’t excuse my father behavior and treatment towards
his children. Every time we visited our father, he always asked about that đồ rác rưởi instead of
spending time with us. Our father would tell us inappropriate things, me and duc diem would
lie every time because we didn’t want our father to get angry and yelled at us. I don’t
understand why my father couldn’t move on, my mother is not worth suffering for. If my father
wasn’t irrational and infuriated about my mother’s affair, I would had lived with my father
instead. The death of my father has completely changed me. My father went to college for 4
years then went to medical for 4 years, and he couldn’t practice medicine without finishing the
residency. It can take over 8 years to be a medical doctor, 8 years is a lot of time; my father
spent so much time and couldn’t practice medicine. My father passion was to practice
medicine, he spent over 8 years on college and medical school; I couldn’t imagine not be able to
practice medicine after devoting many years of schooling and studying. I wished my father had
stayed in Puerto Rico and finished the residency instead of going back to Oregon. I feel like a
burden to my father, sometimes I wish I was never born; my father would be practicing
medicine today If I didn’t exist. I think no one in this family understands the amount of
schooling it takes to be a medical doctor. How many hours you have to studied, how much time
it takes, the sacrifices you have to make for school. My father devoted so much time and
energy, I understand why my father was angry. It doesn’t excuse my father behavior, attitude
and actions but I can understand his feelings and emotions. My mother could had waited for
my father to finish his residency. My mother knew how much it means for my father to practice
medicine but she still had an affair. I don’t care if my mother was unhappy it doesn’t justify to
have an affair. If my mother was unhappy, she should had waited for my father to finish his
residency then divorce him; my mother could have left my father without having an affair. It’s
sad whenever I think about it, my father couldn’t accomplish his dreams and my mother who
betrayed my father; it must had been difficult for my father. I used to resent for my father very
much for the way he treated me, as I started to grow up and become an adult; I can place
myself in my father’s shoes and sympathize with him. Its break my heart what my father had to
sacrifice; he chose his family over his dream’s. I was the only child my father got to see
graduate from high school, he will never get to see duc diem, thuy lan, thuy mai graduating
from high school and college. My father will never get to witness any of his children marriage or
have the opportunity to meet his future grandkids. You and grandpa had the opportunity to
watch your children get married and meet your grandchildren; my father doesn’t get that
opportunity which is quite unfair. I heard my father met you and grandpa(maternal) at church
when he was in Missouri. Apparently my father had help you and grandpa(maternal), you liked
my father so much that you introduce him to my mother. I wish my father had never help you
and grandpa(maternal), he wouldn’t have met my mother. My father was too good for my
mother, he never cheated, never did drugs, he worked hard and was strong believer of the
catholic religion. If my father was alive today he would come help me right away if he knew I
got kicked out, my father would never allow anyone to kick me out. My father would have help
pay for medical school so I could become a doctor. I still feel guilty for lying to my father, I
always feel like a worthless son. I miss my father dearly; it breaks my heart that my father had
to suffer so much before dying in a lonely nursing home. Sometimes I wish I was never born, I
feel like I am part of the reason why my father was suffering.
Throughout my life I never had a normal childhood. I have been depressed since the age
of 9 and I have been suicidal since the age of 16. Every day I was yelled by that đồ rác rưởi, my
mother and father. No one in the family seem to care about my feelings or wellbeing, they only
cared what grades I got in school. I was called lazy by everyone, I knew everyone was talking
bad about me because I didn’t do well in school and I would play a lot of video games. I would
always be compared to others and duc diem; It never made me feel good, it made me angry
and resentful to duc diem. The reason why I never did good in school because I have a
condition called attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder also known as ADHD. My brain works
different than a normal healthy brain. ADHD makes it hard for me to focus, I am easily
distracted and it’s hard to control my behavior. As a child it was hard for me to focus in school
unless it interested me, my thoughts were racing all the time, I had trouble listening and
organizing, I always acted on impulse and the list goes on. I would tell my mother this and she
would never believe me. I am on medication for ADHD now and my life has completely
changed. It’s easy for me to focus on my task, my thoughts don’t race anymore, I can organize
now and I feel like a normal human being. Its hurts me when I think about the time when
everyone in this family would call me lazy. I don’t understand why the adults in my family
treated me that way; I’ve always wonder if it made them feel good to talk down on a child. I
was stress out as child, I had to go to school 5 days a week, visit my father’s house on the
weekend and go to Sunday school. I barely had any time for myself and I was burn out. It was
hard for me to focus in school when I had so much going on in my life, playing video games
allowed me to escape from reality. Words are powerful it can bring someone down or uplift
them; if everyone in the family had uplifted me instead of putting me down, I would have been
a better child.
Grandma(maternal) I am a terrible older brother, son and grandson. I never protected
my siblings, I am a coward and a failure of an older brother. I used to take out my anger on duc
diem, I would hit him, say degrading words, yell at him and boss him around. I never once
protected him from that đồ rác rưởi and I made his life miserable. My mother and everyone in
the family would compare me and duc diem, it made me resent him. I never encouraged or
uplifted him; I would say degrading words like stupid, gay, fat and all kinds of degrading words.
It made duc diem scared of me; he was such a good boy and didn’t deserve to be treated that
way. Saying sorry would never be enough, I was wrong and I regret all my horrific actions I done
to duc diem. I took out my anger on my siblings because that đồ rác rưởi and my mother would
yell at me, my father would yell on me weekends, my uncles and aunts would talk bad about
me, I had no one to listen to me. I was a boy with uncontrollable rage, I wanted my sibling to
feel how I felt. I always felt like the black sheep of the family and even today I still feel that
way. I stole money from my mom because she would buy things for herself when she was
taking child support and money from my dad. I stole money from the restaurant because I felt I
was underpaid for my work. I even stole money from Patrick because it had started to become
a habit. When Grandpa(maternal) died I didn’t call you or even visited his graves because I was
angry at you and grandpa(maternal) for not calling me and going to Oregon when I got kicked
out.
When I was living with uncle chubinh (paternal), I was suffering from post-traumatic
stress disorder, also known as PTSD. PTSDi s disorder that can occur after someone experiences
a traumatic event that caused intense fear, helplessness, or horror. PTSD is constantly reliving
traumatic memories you have ever experienced or seen and not being able to shut it off.
Random things can trigger it including smells, sounds, places or even seeing someone or
something that looks like something from the situation. These traumatic memories from
childhood would play like a movie in my head that wouldn’t stop; I would experience raging
anger, feeling weak, sad and I hated feeling that way. I would smoke marijuana to help deal
with PTSD, to help cope with my dad’s death and it stopped me from being angry all the time. I
was very stress out from dental hygiene school; I would leave school late at night, I had to
studied every day and sometimes uncle chubinh(paternal) would ask me to do things when I
didn’t have time. I had started to make a bad habit of it and I started to smoke inside of uncle
chubinh(paternal) house. He was mad at me, he told me to stop but I couldn’t stop at that time.
I moved out because I regretted my actions and I needed to focus on fixing myself. Uncle
chubinh(paternal) had already done enough for me, he didn’t have to help me back then when I
got kicked out. Today I am still grateful for my uncle chubinh(paternal), he allowed me to live in
his home; he co-signed a student loan for me when my mother wouldn’t, he gave me money
and fed me when I was in hygiene school, without his help I wouldn’t have gotten a college
degree and a good career. I will never forgot what uncle chubinh did for me, one day I will pay
him back for helping me out. Grandma(maternal) I am not asking for forgiveness but I am sorry
for being a horrible and a worthless grandson. I am telling you all my wrongdoings because I
deeply regretted it and I need to forgive myself. I am forgiving myself by taking responsibility
for my actions and correcting my sins by learning why it’s wrong and why I will never do it
again.
I do not want to be in this family anymore because it would remind me the abuse from
my mother, father and that đồ rác rưởi; the times this family had called me lazy and said awful
things about me, the terrible treatment I gave to my siblings, the death of my father, the
memory of me being angry and most importantly I feel like a failure in this family. When my
father died, you and Grandpa(maternal) never came to Oregon to pay your respects to my
father. My father was once your son-in-law but It seemed you and grandpa(maternal) treated
my father as an outcast. You and Grandpa(maternal) never called me or came to Oregon when I
got kicked out to make sure I was safe. It seems like no one cared when I got kicked out, my
mother is still with that đồ rác rưởi but I had to leave. It disgusts me that my uncles and aunts
would eat in the same table with that đồ rác rưởi like family, it infuriates me and I will no longer
tolerate it. If I ever see that đồ rác rưởi, I will beat that đồ rác rưởi to a painful death with an
uncontrollable rage. That đồ rác rưởi is not worth going to prison for; even if that đồ rác rưởi
left I would always be angry at my mom and I would beat her too.
I swear on my life when I accumulated enough wealth I will pay back everyone in this
family who have sent me money and gifts on my birthday and holiday. I will pay back aunt
thuy(mom younger sister) for all the haircuts she given me. I will payback for all the food and
meals this family has cooked for me and for allowing to stay at their house when I visited
Missouri. I will pay back uncle tan(maternal) with interest for giving me $10,000 for school; I’ve
only received $9000 of it because my mom got mad when I asked for all of it. I don’t know how
long it will take for me but I swear on my life I will pay back everything this family has done for
me. Last year my mom messaged me that you and uncle tan(mom younger brotherl) had sent
me money for Christmas but I never took it and I don’t know what my mom did with it. Please
give it to my siblings they deserved it more than I do. Duc diem is going to need it when he goes
to medical school; It was my dad’s dream for us to be a medical doctor, duc diem is the perfect
fit and please support him as much as you can. You don’t have to worry about me
Grandma(maternal) I can take care of myself now, I have a good career that pays well and I am
an adult now. I’ve already come to peace with this decision, this is the best path for me and my
mental health. Grandma(maternal) I am tired of being angry it does no good for me, it had
changed me for the worst and I don’t want to live my life like that anymore. I remember there
was a time that I used to a sweet and loving boy, I miss that boy a lot and it breaks my heart
how much I had changed.
My mom and this family put too much emphasis on money. Money is great and is
needed but no matter how much money we make; we can’t take it with us when we die but I
believe we can take our memories with us. I’ve learned that it’s our character, actions, how we
treat others and creating happy memories that is important in this world. I plan on living my
life as a good man, I am going to walk on a path is honorable, noble, a life full of joy and
happiness; so when I die I can show god all the good memories I have created and what kind of
man I have become. Grandma(maternal) my mom might say I am lying but I have nothing to
lose or gain from this. Grandma(maternal) you can choose to believe me or not; I only want to
tell you my side of the story, all I want is to move on so I can live a happy life. You can ask my
siblings and they will tell how terrible I was. I’ve been tormented and I’ve spent many years
processing all these traumatic memories, I’ve missed out so much on life and it’s unfair to me.
I’ve a lot of catching up to do in my life, I want to replace all these traumatic memories with
happy memories. I will miss you Grandma(maternal) I enjoyed all the times I visited you and
grandpa(maternal) when I was young; You and grandpa(maternal) never yelled at me and I
could play video games, which at that time made the happiness boy in the world. I’m sorry for
being a worthless grandson and I hope you can understand why I never visited for the last 6
years. I would like to apologize in advance because I won’t attend your funeral when you pass
on from this world, I promise I will visit your grave and pay my respect. Grandma(maternal)
before you pass on from this world, I hope one day you have the strength to come to Oregon
and pay your respects to my father’s grave. It would mean a lot to me and my father, I hope
you do the right thing before you pass on. I hope you can understand why I made the decision
to leave the family, I cannot tolerate what my mother did to my father; I truly miss my father a
lot and I will stand up for him.
Love,
Your worthless grandson