Beginning Level
Training Manual
A Program of the Office of the Dean of Students
Cornell University
Funded in Part by the Student Activity Fee
Fall 2019
Acknowledgements
This manual has been compiled and edited through the continuous
contribution of EARS Advisors and Alumni
Edited by Julia Dobson and Love Odih Kumuyi, 2019
Edited by Cassandra Mayer, Christine Yuan, Elizabeth Mullin, Irene Lin, Janet Shortall, 2017
Table of Contents
EARS Active Counseling Model . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
......3
Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
........ 6
Stage I
Attending Behaviors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
........7
Attitudes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
.........9
Empathy Statements . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . 11
List of Feelings Words . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . 13
1
Probes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . 18
Integrating Stage I Activity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . 22
Stage II
Advanced Empathy Statements . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . 26
Validation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . 30
Immediacy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . 33
Summarization . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . 34
Focusing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . 35
Confrontation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . 36
Stage III
Problem Management . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . 37
Exception Finding Questions, Value Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . 38 Miracle Question . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39
Scaling Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . 40
Information Giving . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . 41
Closure . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . 42
Referrals . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . 43
Other Resources
Triads . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . 44
Feedback Model/I-Statements . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . 46
Counseling LGBTQIA+ Individuals . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . 47
Multicultural Counseling Competencies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . 50
Crisis Intervention . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . 52
Becoming an EARS Counselor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . 55
2
EARS Active Counseling Model
validation
3
EARS Active Counseling Model
Stage I
Goals
● To establish rapport with the individual.
● To explore and clarify the situation, thoughts, and feelings of the individual.
Attending Behaviors: ROLE SET
Relax
Open, square posture
Lean in
Eye contact
Silence
Encouragers
Tone of voice
Attitudes: UGREEN
Understanding
Genuineness
Respect
Esteem
Empathy
Nonjudgmentalness
Empathy Statements
Reflects feelings, content, and meaning to convey empathy.
Probes
Open-ended and non-directive questions used to explore, clarify, and promote concreteness.
Stage II
Goals
● To identify common themes and underlying issues, and to probe beyond the individual's
understanding in Stage I.
● To help the individual obtain a new perspective.
● To focus on the particular area(s) of concern.
Focusing
Prioritizes main issues and looks for themes or a common thread.
Summarization
Briefly restates important feelings and facts at appropriate times in order to clarify and move
session along.
Advanced Empathy
4
Identifying and labeling underlying feelings and/or meanings which the individual hasn't
expressed, but for which you see evidence. This involves taking a risk.
Confrontation
Pointing out discrepancies between: statements; statement(s) and body language; or feelings,
content, and meaning.
Validation
A statement which acknowledges and affirms feelings.
Immediacy
Focuses on current feelings and behaviors here and now.
Stage III
Goals
● To set goals
● To plan a course of action
Problem Management
1. Identify the problem
2. Clarify the goal
3. Brainstorm alternatives
4. Evaluate alternatives
5. Choose and make a plan
6. Evaluate and re-act
Information Giving
Sharing information and facts (not opinions) that the individual currently does not have.
Referrals
Connects issue giver with relevant resources to support their needs.
Closure
1. Summary
2. “How do you feel now?”
3. “Is there anything else you’d like to talk about?”
4. Referrals and thank you
5
Based on Gerard Egan, The Skilled Helper10th Edition, 2013
Introduction
Welcome to Beginning Training! If you are reading this, you have already taken the first
steps towards becoming a better listener: you have signed up for EARS! Throughout this training
you will gain practical knowledge and skills that you will use throughout your life to strengthen
personal relationships, communicate effectively, and convey empathy in any situation. Empathy,
Assistance, and Referral Services (EARS) has been supporting the Cornell community for over
50 years, but you are the future of empathy on campus and worldwide! Whether you join our
staff and become a counselor, or use these skills in your life and career, you have an impact on
each and every person you interact with- you are making a difference! So first of all: thank you
for your commitment towards a more receptive and understanding society.
Trainee responsibilities:
● Come to training Monday nights 7-9pm, in RPCC
● Arrive to training on time, and stay for the duration
● Participate fully in discussions, activities, and all three triad roles (see section on
“Triads”)
● If you have an unavoidable conflict and are absent, email your trainers to let them know
beforehand and make up the training you missed before the end of the semester
● Sign up to be an issue giver in one LRP (see the section at the end of the manual on
“Becoming a Counselor” for more details)
● Sign up to bring snacks to training at least one night
● Have fun :)
The EARS Active Counseling model is primarily based on the work of psychologists
Carl Rogers and Gerard Egan. Carl Rogers believed that people are inherently best suited to
solve their own problems, and the role of the counselor is to simply aid in this self-discovery. He
developed a method of client-centered therapy, which encourages self-directed change by
locating power in the person being counseled, or the “issue giver.” This process is both active
and non-directive, meaning that as counselors we take an active role in helping the issue giver
work through presented problems, but remain non-directive and avoid leading the session in any
way.
During a counseling session, issue givers will often present experiences and behaviors by
discussing what happens to them and their reaction. As counselors, our goal is to uncover the
underlying feelings, emotions, and moods behind what the issue giver is saying. We don’t want
to “fix” their problems with answers, solutions, or analyses. Often issue givers will try and make
this their goal, and ask you for your advice. Note that it is not within the EARS model to give
advice. Instead, we help them to find realizations, solidifications, and confirmations.
6
Empathy is a process, not a state. We hope this manual will serve as a resource to help
you throughout your journey. Remember if you have any questions- do not hesitate to ask your
trainers!
Attending Behaviors
One of the first things we notice about others is their body language. Before we even
open our mouths to speak, we communicate how we feel towards another person, so nonverbal
cues are a very powerful tool in counseling. In order to be an effective counselor you must set up
your physical space to be welcoming, and use your face and body to indicate you are listening.
Using correct attending behaviors is an indication that you are open, accepting, and interested in
what is being said.
You should use attending behaviors constantly throughout the session. Be especially
mindful of them at the beginning of the session, when you are developing rapport with the issue
giver. Rapport can be defined as: a friendly, harmonious relationship; a relationship
characterized by mutual understanding that makes communication possible or easy (MerriamWebster, 2019).
Attending Behaviors Activity!
We use the acronym ROLE SET to remember all of the attending behaviors.
Can you guess what each letter stands for?
R is for ______________________________
O is for
______________________________
L is for
______________________________
E is for
______________________________
S is for
______________________________
E is for
______________________________
T is for ______________________________
7
Attending Behaviors
Relaxed
Take a deep breath, relax your shoulders away from your ears, and release any tension in the
body. This will help you as a counselor and encourage the issue giver to relax as well. It’s no
surprise that therapists’ offices have comfy chairs for both the counselor and the client! It’s much
easier to communicate and relate to others in a state of relaxation as opposed to panic and
confusion.
Open, square posture
Sit with the feet directly underneath the knees, about hip-width apart. *No crossing the legs!*
Keep an openness in the chest if possible. Think about it- would you feel like talking to someone
who was closed off physically? You want to convey that your physical body is open to whatever
the issue giver has to say.
Lean In
Direct your body towards the issue giver and lean towards them. One’s needs for physical space
and distance is defined by many things, including individual comfort, cultural background,
gender etc. Use your judgement to adjust based on what feels appropriate in the particular
setting. Sitting and leaning forward from your shoulders is a common posture; another is to
prop the elbows on the knees and clasp the hands together. Make sure you still allow some
personal space!
Eye Contact
This may seem obvious- look at the issue giver when they are speaking. Making eye contact can
establish connection, but don’t overdo it! Be mindful that this differs across cultures and may be
perceived as aggressive or make someone feel shy. Notice their reaction and ease off if they are
not meeting your gaze.
Silence
This is one of the most important skills for effective counseling! Not only does silence give you
time to carefully consider your words before speaking, it also leaves space for the issue giver to
continue talking if they weren’t finished. Many of us have a tendency to automatically fill empty
space with words- it may seem awkward at first: practice, practice, practice.
Encouragers
These are nonverbal cues to indicate that you are engaged and to encourage the issue giver to
continue. Common encouragers include: nodding the head, saying “uh huh,” or making a soft
sound like “mmm.”
Tone of Voice
8
Match the issue giver’s tone of voice. This conveys empathy and allows the issue giver to
literally “set the tone” of the session. If they are speaking in a sad, low tone you wouldn’t want
to sound chipper and happy!
Attitudes
The attitudes we hold are an integral element to an effective counseling session. We must
take stock of our own predispositions, biases, and assumptions in order to properly relate to
someone else. After all, you have a completely different personality, life experience, and outlook
than anyone else! You cannot know exactly what it’s like to be in someone else’s particular mind
and situation. It’s important to be self-aware of how different your own background and
upbringing are from those of the issue giver.
You should strive to have these attitudes in mind during the entirety of the session.
Before you respond to an issue giver, check in with what your attitudes are and ask yourself,
“Are U GREEN?”- meaning, does your physical and mental disposition indicate to the issuegiver a “green light”- that are you are ready to support them?
Attitudes Activity!
We use the acronym UGREEN to remember all of the attitudes.
Can you guess what each letter stands for?
U is for ______________________________
G is for
______________________________
R is for
______________________________
E is for
______________________________
E is for
______________________________
N is for
______________________________
9
Attitudes
Understanding
Making an effort to really understand another person is a basic tenet of counseling. In everyday
life, our usual response to any statement is to evaluate and judge, rather than to really hear what
is being said. Understanding means temporarily suspending judgment, insofar as that is possible.
Our own values and beliefs may be challenged, but we must strive to meet someone where they
are currently at, instead of rejecting the validity of their perspective.
Genuineness
The counselor/issue giver relationship is best when both parties are open and honest. Say what
you mean, and mean what you say- speak from your heart!
Respect
The core of the EARS philosophy is that it is basic human nature to pursue a positive direction,
to be productive and grow. Sometimes, though, people get stuck in patterns of behavior or
attitudes that block individual growth and exploration. Respecting an individual means
respecting their feelings and opinions as valid, and realizing that they have the ability to solve
their own problems in the best possible way. Trying to solve another person’s problem, while
sometimes tempting, is not the counselor’s role and doesn’t help the person realize their own
power to help themselves.
Esteem
To understand this skill, you may reference the word “self esteem.” While self esteem is about
holding ourselves in high regard, esteem for others is to hold others in high regard. We may
appreciate the worth of an individual, regardless of whether we agree with their opinions. Even
(and especially) if their value system conflicts with our own, it is crucial to remind ourselves that
they are still worthy of empathy and respect. Seeing another person’s strengths and reflecting
those back to the individual can be a gift that will help them towards growth in their own selfesteem, and towards making positive changes in their lives.
Empathy
Empathy means taking another person’s perspective. To be empathetic is to be open to
understanding their experiences and feelings. Empathy is seeing the world through another
person’s eyes. There is a noted difference between empathy and sympathy, although they are
often confused. Sympathy means feeling “for” another person whereas empathy means feeling
“with” another person. While sympathy is often condescending and drives disconnection
between people, empathy brings us together. Carl Rogers describes empathy as experiencing the
individual's private world "as if it were you own, but without ever losing the ‘as if' quality."
Non Judgmentalness
Being nonjudgmental gives the individual freedom to explore feelings and thoughts. It can be
difficult to withhold our opinions and judgments, but it is necessary to convey respect, esteem,
and empathy. This creates a safe atmosphere in which the individual can begin accepting where
they are at that moment, an initial step in the process of change.
10
Empathy Statements
Empathy statements are a reflection of feeling, content, and meaning. They indicate that
you have been listening and understand what the issue giver is going through, therefore drawing
them out for more sharing and elaboration. Empathy statements reorganize what was said into a
more concise, understandable format. They also check in with the issue giver that your
understanding is correct.
Empathy statements can be used anytime during the session, usually near the beginning.
The basic “formula” for empathy statements is as follows:
It sounds like you’re feeling _________ (feeling) because ________ (content), and
this is important to you because __________ (meaning).
Reflection of Feeling
Going beyond the cognitive aspects of the individual's communication by reflecting the
underlying emotional or feeling aspects stated or implied by the individual. Nonverbal behavior
can also be taken into account; use your eyes to listen for feelings.
Reflection of Content
Reflecting content is feeding back the essence of what has just been said by attending very
carefully to the verbal statements of the individual. Reflection of content will predominantly
focus on the individual’s situation and thoughts.
Reflection of Meaning
This is the importance, or significance, and conveys what the situation means to the individual
based on their values, beliefs and experiences. For example, “I sense that friendship is very
important to you.” The meaning a person ascribes to something will directly affect their feelings
about it.
Keep in mind:
• Listen for feeling words and use a word the issue giver has actually said
• Focus on present feelings
• Ask the individual for clarification if the verbal and nonverbal messages are discrepant or
unclear.
• Watch and listen to the individual's reaction for further insights into feelings, and to modify
your understanding and improve your next empathy statement
• Do not minimize or maximize the feeling (i.e., “a little scared,” “very angry”)
Make it your own! Here are some other ways to begin empathy statements:
"You feel..."
"From your point of view..."
"It seems to you..."
"In your experience..."
"From where you stand..."
"As you see it..."
"You think..."
"You believe..."
"What I hear you saying is..."
"I'm picking up that you..."
11
"I sense that..."
"You figure..."
"Where you’re coming from..."
"You mean...."
Empathy Statements Activity!
Brainstorming feelings words
Use the space below to write down as many emotions as you can think of.
Try to go beyond your own experience- think of common feelings that might come up for
members of the Cornell community. What might come up for undergraduate students, grad
students, and affiliates? Then go around and share a few of your responses.
12
List of Feelings Words
Pleasant Affective States
(Love, Affection, Concern)
Admired
Adored
Affectionate
Agreeable
Alive
Altruistic
Amiable
Appreciated
Benevolent
Caring
Charitable
Cheerful
Comforted
Conscientious
Considerate
Cooperative
Courteous
Dedicated
Devoted
Easy-going
Empathic
Faithful
Forgiving
Friendly
Generous
Genuine
Giving
Good
Good-humored
Good-natured
Grateful
Helpful
Honest
Honorable
Hopeful
Kind
Lenient
Lovable
Loving
Mellow
Open
Optimistic
Patient
Peaceful
Pleasant
Receptive
Reliable
Respectful
Responsible
Sensitive
Sympathetic
Sweet
Tender
Thoughtful
Tolerant
Truthful
Trustworthy
Understanding
Unselfish
Warm
Warm-hearted
Well-meaning
Wise
(Elation, Joy)
Amused
At ease
Blissful
Calm
Cheerful
Comical
Contented
Delightful
Ecstatic
Elated
Elevated
Enchanted
Enthusiastic
Exalted
Excellent
Excited
Fantastic
Fine
Fit
Glad
Glorious
Good
Grand
Gratified
Great
Happy
Humorous
Inspired
Jovial
Joyful
Jubilant
Magnificent
Majestic
Marvelous
Overjoyed
Pleased
(Powerfulness)
13
Pleasant
Proud
Satisfied
Serene
Splendid
Superb
Terrific
Thrilled
Tremendous
Triumphant
Vivacious
Wonderful
Able
Adequate
Assured
Authoritative
Bold
Brave
Competent
Confident
Courageous
Daring
Determined
Durable
Dynamic
Effective
Energetic
Fearless
Firm
Forceful
Hardy
Healthy
Heroic
Important
Influential
Intense
Mighty
Powerful
Robust
Secure
Self-confident
Sharp
Skilled
Spirited
Stable
Strong
Sure
Tough
Unpleasant Affective States
(Depression)
Abandoned
Alienated
Alone
Awful
Battered
Beaten
Blue
Burdened
Burned
Cast off
Cheapened
Crushed
Debased
Defeated
Degraded
Dejected
Depressed
Desolate
Despair
Despised
Despondent
Destroyed
Discarded
Discouraged
Disfavored
Dismal
Done for
Downcast
Downhearted
Downtrodden
Dreadful
Estranged
Excluded
Forlorn
Forsaken
Gloomy
Glum
Hated
Hopeless
Horrible
Humiliated
Hurt
Left out
Loathed
Lonely
Lousy
Low
Miserable
Mistreated
Moody
Mournful
Obsolete
Ostracized
Out of sorts
(Distress)
14
Overlooked
Pathetic
Pitiful
Regretful
Rejected
Reprimanded
Rotten
Ruined
Run down
Sad
Stranded
Terrible
Unhappy
Unloved
Valueless
Washed up
Worthless
Wrecked
Afflicted
Awkward
Baffled
Bewildered
Blameworthy
Clumsy
Confused
Constrained
Disgusted
Disliked
Displeased
Dissatisfied
Distrustful
Disturbed
Doubtful
Foolish
Futile
Grief
Helpless
Hindered
Impaired
Impatient
Imprisoned
Lost
Nauseated
Offended
Pained
Perplexed
Puzzled
Ridiculous
Sickened
Skeptical
Speechless
Strained
Suspicious
Swamped
Tormented
Touchy
Unsure
(Fear, Anxiety)
Afraid
Agitated
Alarmed
Anxious
Apprehensive
Bashful
Desperate
Dread
Embarrassed
Fearful
Fidgety
Frightened
Hesitant
Horrified
Insecure
Intimidated
Jealous
Jittery
Nervous
On edge
Overwhelmed
Panicked
Restless
Scared
Shy
Strained
Tense
Terrified
Timid
Uncomfortable
Uneasy
Worried
(Belittling, Criticism, Scorn)
Abused
Belittled
Branded
Censured
Criticized
Defamed
Deflated
Deprecated
Derided
Diminished
Discredited
Disdained
Disgraced
Disparaged
Humiliated
Ignored
Laughed at
Made light of
Maligned
Minimized
Mocked
Neglected
Overlooked
Scorned
(Powerlessness)
15
Put down
Ridiculed
Shamed
Slammed
Slandered
Slighted
Underestimated
Underrated
Broken
Cowardly
Debilitated
Defective
Deficient
Demoralized
Disabled
Exhausted
Exposed
Fragile
Frail
Harmless
Helpless
Impotent
Inadequate
Incapable
Incompetent
Indefensible
Ineffective
Inefficient
Meek
Nerveless
Paralyzed
Powerless
Shaken
Small
Unarmed
Uncertain
Unfit
Unimportant
Unqualified
Unsound
Unsubstantiated
Useless
Vulnerable
Weak
(Anger, Humility, Cruelty)
Agitated
Aggravated
Aggressive
Angry
Annoyed
Antagonistic
Arrogant
Austere
Bad-tempered
Belligerent
Bigoted
Bloodthirsty
Blunt
Bullying
Callous
Cold-blooded
Combative
Corrosive
Cranky
Critical
Cross
Cruel
Deadly
Dictatorial
Disagreeable
Discontented
Dogmatic
Enraged
Envious
Fierce
Furious
Gruesome
Hard
Harsh
Hateful
Heartless
Hideous
Hostile
Hypercritical
Ill-tempered
Impatient
Inconsiderate
Inhumane
Insensitive
Intolerable
Intolerant
Irritated
Mad
More Feelings Words!
16
Malicious
Mean
Murderous
Nasty
Obstinate
Opposed
Oppressive
Outraged
Perturbed
Poisonous
Prejudiced
Pushy
Rebellious
Reckless
Resentful
Revengeful
Rough
Rude
Ruthless
Sadistic
Severe
Spiteful
Stern
Stormy
Unfeeling
Unfriendly
Unmerciful
Unruly
Vicious
Vindictive
Violent
Wrathful
Abandoned
Abundant
Accepted
Adequate
Adamant
Affectionate
Agonized
Ambivalent
Angry
Annoyed
Anxious
Apathetic
Astounded
Awed
Beautiful
Betrayed
Bitter
Blissful
Bold
Bored
Bountiful
Brave
Burdened
Calm
Capable
Captivated
Challenged
Charmed
Cheated
Cheerful
Childish
Combative
Compassionate
Competitive
Condemned
Confused
Conspicuous
Contended
Contrite
Cruel
Crushed
Culpable
Deceitful
Defeated
Delighted
Demanding
Desirous
Despair
Destructive
Determined
Different
Diffident
Diminished
Distracted
Disturbed
Divided
Dominated
Dubious
Eager
Ecstatic
Electrified
Empty
Enchanted
Energetic
Enervated
Envious
Excited
Exasperated
Excluded
Exhausted
Fascinated
Fawning
Fearful
Flustered
Foolish
Frantic
Frustrated
Frightened
Free
Full
Glad
Good
Gratified
Great
Greedy
Grieved
Guilty
Gullible
Happy
Hateful
Heavenly
Helpful
Helpless
High
Homesick
Honored
Horrible
Hunted
Hurt
Hysterical
Ignored
Ignorant
Immortal
Imposed upon
Infatuated
Infuriated
Insecure
Inspired
Intimidated
Jealous
Jittery
Joyous
Jumpy
Kicked out
Kind
Lazy
Left out
Lonely
Longing
Love
Loving
Low
Mad
Manipulative
Mean
Melancholy
Miserable
Moody
Mystical
Needy
Nervous
Nice
Obnoxious
Obsessed
Odd
Ostracized
Opposed
Outraged
Overwhelmed
Pained
Panicked
Parsimonious
Peaceful
Persecuted
Petrified
Pity
Pleasant
Pleased
Precarious
Pressured
Powerful
Proud
Pushy
Quarrelsome
Rage
Refreshed
Rejected
Relaxed
Relieved
Remorseful
Restless
Reverent
Righteous
Sad
Satisfied
Scared
Settled
Shocked
Silly
Skeptical
Sneaky
Solemn
Sorrowful
Spiteful
Startled
Strong
Stupid
Stumped
Suffering
Sympathetic
Talkative
Tempted
Tenacious
Tenuous
Tense
Terrified
Threatened
Tired
Trapped
Troubled
Uneasy
Unloved
Unsettled
Violent
Vulnerable
Wicked
Wonderful
Weepy
Worried
Probes
17
In our daily interactions we use probes all the time, they enable us to gather information
and make conversation (e.g. "How do you feel about your new job?" or "Tell me more about
that.") As counselors, we use probes to identify and navigate the feelings surrounding problems
presented in a session. Probes are also used to focus on one particular issue so that the individual
can look at it in detail. You should use probes often and throughout the session to explore,
clarify, and promote concreteness.
It is essential that a counseling session be concrete, as a vaguely explored problem will
lead to a vague, ineffectual resolution. A counseling session is concrete when both the counselor
and the individual place primary importance on specifics- specific feelings, specific thoughts,
and specific behaviors. One of the most useful probes for promoting concreteness in a session is
the simple open-ended question: "Could you give me an example of that?"
The individual is the only one who really knows what the challenge is and what goal they
want to reach; therefore the counselor must not direct the content of the session. When asking
questions we can be non-directive by asking only open-ended questions. Open-ended questions
require more than a “yes” or “no” answer, leaving the issue giver free to explore many aspects of
the issue. In contrast, close-ended questions can lead the individual to talk about things that aren't
relevant, and direct the session according to the counselor's limited perspective. Asking closeended questions is a form of advice-giving, which, as counselors, we should avoid. For example:
"What was it like for you to speak to your parents about this?" (Open-ended)
vs.
"Was it hard for you to speak to your parents about this?" (Close-ended)
Probes are not used to satisfy the counselor's curiosity! Make sure that all the questions
you ask are relevant to furthering the session and the issue giver’s understanding of their issue.
Given that the focus of the EARS counseling method is on self-exploration, probes for "what",
"how," and feelings are generally more effective tools than probes for "why" aspects of a
problem (challenge). Probing for "why" often meets with a defensive reaction which can block
the open atmosphere necessary for exploration, and therefore should be avoided.
Probes do not always come in the form of a question, they may be requests for
clarification, or statements which help an individual become more specific (e.g. "I'm not sure
what you mean by...", or "Tell me more...")
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List of Probes
Opening
o What would you like to talk about today?
o What's on your mind?
o Where would you like to start?
o What have you been thinking about since we last met?
Clarification
o What seems to confuse you?
o What does this mean to you?
o In what way?
Values
o What do you value about ______?
o What’s important to you about ______?
o What does _____ mean to you?
Appraisal
o How do you feel about it?
o How does it look to you?
o What do you make of it all?
o What do you think is best?
Background
o What led up to _____?
o What have you tried so far?
o How did this happen?
o What do you make of it all?
Description
o What was it like?
o Tell me about it.
o What happened?
o Can you describe it in your own words?
Identification
o What seems to be the trouble?
o What seems to be the main obstacle?
o What worries you the most about _____?
o What do you consider the most troublesome part?
Exploration
o Let's explore that some more.
o Are there any other angles you can think of?
o What were your reactions to these things?
o How about going into that a little deeper?
Example
o Can you give an example?
o For instance?
o Like what?
o Will you give me an illustration?
Extension
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o Can you tell me more about it?
o Anything else?
o Is there anything more you would like to discuss?
o What other ideas do you have about it?
Involvement
o What part did you play in this?
o How does this affect you?
o How do you fit into this picture?
Perspective
o What are your ultimate objectives?
o What would you like to be doing in the future?
o Where will this lead?
o How does this relate to your other problems & successes?
Reasons
o What was going on when you made the decision?
o How do you account for this?
o What reasons have you come up with?
o What is the solution to this?
Relation
o How does this fit in with your plans?
o How does this affect _____?
o How does this stack up with your picture of yourself?
o How much relation is there between _____ and _____?
Solutions-focused Probes
Alternatives
o What are the possibilities?
o If you could do anything you wanted, what would you do?
o What are the possible solutions?
o What if you do and what if you don't?
Implementation
o What will you have to do to accomplish this?
o How will you take the task?
o What will it take to _____?
o To get this done, what will you need to do?
Information
o What information do you need before you decide?
o What do you know about it now?
o How do you suppose you can find out more about it?
o What kind of picture do you have right now?
Integration
o How do you explain this to yourself?
o What do you think is best?
o How do you relate this to your other ideas?
o How would you pull this all together?
Preparation for Failure
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o What if it doesn't work out the way you wish?
o What if that doesn't work?
o And if that fails, what will you do?
o What are some alternate plans?
New Start
o If you had a free choice, what would you do?
o If the same thing came up again, what would you do?
o If you had to do it over again, what would you do?
o How do you wish you had acted?
Taking Action
o What are you going to do about it?
o Where do you go from here?
o What are your next steps?
o How do you plan to start?
Planning
o How do you suppose you could improve the situation?
o What do you plan to do about it?
o What could you do in a case like this?
o What plans will you need to make?
Predictions and Outcomes
o How do you suppose it will all work out?
o Where will this lead?
o What do you think will happen?
o What are the chances of success?
Summary
o How would you summarize our talk?
o How would you describe our discussion to someone else?
o Can you review this for me?
o What do you think this all amounts to?
Integrating Stage I
21
In the next exercise, you are asked to sift out effective from ineffective responses to practice
stage I skills.
1.
First, if the response seems helpful, give it a plus sign (+); if it seems to be inadequate or
a poor response, give it a minus sign (-).
2.
Next, indicate the reason(s) why it seems either effective or ineffective to you. Make your
reasons as specific as possible.
3.
If you can come up with a better response go ahead and write it!
Consider the following example and then proceed to the exercise itself.
"My advisor has it in for me. We haven't gotten along from the start. I don't do anything
different, but whenever there's a mistake, I'm the first one he blames. I wish he'd get off my
back."
a. (-) "You ought to cool down. Why get thrown out for something so stupid?"
Reason: advice giving
b. (+) "You feel he's being unfair to you- and that's lousy."
Reason: reflection of content
c. (-) "You've been in trouble before. Are you really giving it to me straight?"
Reason: judgmental, suspicious response
d. (-) "We can straighten this whole thing out if we all just stay calm. By the way, how's
the family?"
Reason: placating, patronizing, distracts from problem, non helpful warmth
e. (+) "You're fed up with the way you see him picking on you. Could you give me a
recent example of when this happens?"
Reason: reflection of feeling plus a reasonable probe
22
Activity
1.
"They've been running these tests on me for three days now. I don't know what's going on.
They don't tell me what they're for or what they find, good or bad. The doctor gets back to
me now and then, but he doesn't really tell me anything, either. And I still feel so weak and
listless."
a. ( ) "You know these things take time. I'm sure what's happening to you is standard
procedure."
Reason _________________________________________________________
b. ( ) "Is this the first time you've had to go through all of this?"
Reason _________________________________________________________
c. ( ) "Have your nurse call the doctor and just ask him what's going on. Put a little
pressure on him."
Reason _________________________________________________________
d. ( ) "Well, now, perhaps a little more patience would help everyone, including you."
Reason _________________________________________________________
e. ( ) "It must be really frustrating being kept in the dark like this."
Reason _________________________________________________________
2. "I wince every time people ask me about what I am going to do after graduation. As soon as
I say “still exploring my options’' I see the judgment in too many eyes. I feel like I am
doing a decent job of trying to sort out my next steps but I feel overwhelmed and haven’t
gotten any responses from the jobs I have applied to or my grad school applications?”
a. ( ) "Sure, I see. Well, what do you think you can do?"
Reason _________________________________________________________
b. ( ) "You feel good about yourself because you have been balancing school work and
applying for jobs and graduate school."
Reason _________________________________________________________
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c. ( ) "Let's come up with a plan of what to say when others ask you about your plans."
Reason _________________________________________________________
d. ( ) "You resent being judged when they assume you should know your future plans."
Reason _________________________________________________________
e. ( ) "You feel proud of your accomplishments of graduating from an Ivy League
University. It's something you don't have to apologize for. But it seems that
you're saying that others are going to keep asking you about your future plans."
Reason _________________________________________________________
3.
"I just can't break up with her. She’s going to flip. All of our friends think of us as this great
couple but I feel as if I am sort of married already and I’m not!"
a. ( ) "Maybe it's time to go cold turkey and just tell your girlfriend how you feel- I
mean it’s not like you’re really married..."
Reason _________________________________________________________
b. ( ) "You're worried about your girlfriend flipping out. Could you talk a bit more
about how her reaction might be influencing your decision?"
Reason _________________________________________________________
c. ( ) "You feel trapped. You don't know if your girlfriend and mutual friends will react
to you ending your relationship."
Reason _________________________________________________________
d. ( ) "I totally was in a relations that felt the same way- it was hard to break up but I
am glad I did..."
Reason _________________________________________________________
e. ( ) "I know your girlfriend and she’s pretty solid… are you sure you are telling me
the whole story?"
Reason _________________________________________________________
4. "I think of the thousands and thousands of women like myself who have had an abortion, but
right now numbers don't mean a thing. All I have is my reaction and theirs don't count. I wander
around the apartment. I can't get myself to do things. Things between me and Tom are subdued.
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It's like a conspiracy, we don't talk about it, but it fills our relationship. I don't know whether I'm
numb or what."
a. ( ) "What have you done to try to get back into your normal routine?"
Reason _________________________________________________________
b. ( ) "You're feeling pretty depressed. That's natural. This is completely different from
anything that you've ever done before. So you're going to be feeling some
emotions and thinking some thoughts that are new for you."
Reason _________________________________________________________
c. ( ) "You sound like you're perhaps still somewhat in shock and fairly unsettled. It's
not proving easy to come to grips with the abortion."
Reason _________________________________________________________
d. ( ) "You haven't been able to make peace with yourself. You and Tom haven’t been
talking to each other about what it means. This conspiracy of silence seems to be
eating you up."
Reason _________________________________________________________
e. ( ) "I've come to know you well. You're a strong woman with strong convictions.
You wage war, even with yourself, before you make peace. This is the pattern.
This is you. It's almost as if your strengths sometimes get the better of you."
Reason _________________________________________________________
Adapted from Egan, Gerard, Exercises in Helping Skills. 2013
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Advanced Empathy Statements
“The most effective kind of listening is where you listen for the feelings and emotions that were
behind the words, that were just a little bit concealed” -Carl Rogers
We have already learned how to use empathy statements to deliver concise, organized
reflections of what an individual has said. Advanced empathy statements go one step further,
relying on your ability as a counselor to sense a hidden meaning behind the words and "read
between the lines.” Advanced empathy is essentially a hunch with evidence. You are sharing
with the individual something you see that they may not, diving beneath the surface of what is
being explicitly mentioned and thus bringing new insight and clarity. There is a risk involved
here, but be brave! What you perceive may be incorrect, so it is important that you use evidence
from the session and explain your reasoning behind suggesting the feeling.
Advanced empathy should only be used once significant rapport is established, later in the
session.
The general structure for advanced empathy is as follows:
Correct me if I’m wrong, but I get the sense that you’re feeling ___________
(feeling) because ___________ (evidence).
Keep in mind that the issue giver may reject your guess! Not to worry- this still moves
the session forward (e.g. “No, that’s not what I’m feeling at all; it’s more like…”). This is why
it’s important to leave room for them to correct you.
The best feelings words to use for advanced empathy are “risky” feelings words, or those
that are not obvious to the issue giver. Often these feelings are very primal and are associated
with a physical feeling (e.g. guilt in the pit of the stomach, isolation is cold).
Here’s a list of feelings people often fail to identify:
Angry
Conflicted
Envious
Jealous
Fed up
Ashamed
Guilty
Isolated
Lonely
Scared
Afraid
Dread
Trapped
Disrespected
Alienated
Devalued
Add to this list! Write your own ideas here:
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Make it your own! Here are some other ways to phrase advanced empathy:
"Could it be that..."
"This may be a long shot, but..."
"Does it sound reasonable that..."
"...Is that the way it is?"
"...Is that what you mean?"
"Is there any chance that you..."
"Maybe you feel..."
"It appears you..."
"I'm not sure if I'm with you, do you
mean..."
"I'm not sure I understand, you're feeling..."
"This is what I think I hear you saying..."
“Let me see if I'm with you, you...."
"I wonder if..."
"Is it possible that..."
"It seems that you..."
"As I hear it, you..."
"...Is that the way you feel?
"You appear to be feeling..."
"I get the impression that..."
"I guess that you're..."
"Perhaps you're feeling..."
“From what you’ve said so far...”
"What I guess I am hearing is…”
"Let me see if I understand you, you..."
Advanced Empathy Activity!
In this exercise, assume that the counselor and the individual has established a good
working relationship. Imagine that the individual is speaking directly to you, the counselor. First
respond with an empathy statement which is a concrete reflection of feelings, content, and
meaning. Then formulate a hunch as to what the underlying issue(s) might be. Be sure to base
this hunch firmly on the individual's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Then respond with an
advanced empathy statement. Really think about whether the advanced empathy statement you
write will help focus the session towards the underlying issue(s).
27
Exercise 1
"After so many years I have finally accepted my sexuality as a lesbian, but when it comes to
other people I feel so confused... I hear so many different things from people I care about. I have
a few friends who are lesbian or bisexual. I've talked to some of them and they are really
supportive... so are some of my straight friends. However, my parents believe that
homosexuality is unnatural... and they are very vocal about their dislike of lesbian, gay, or
bisexual people. Then, I hear all kinds of mean and hurtful comments from other people that I
hang out with. I wonder what all of these people would think if I told them that I was a lesbian?
Would some like me or not like me dependent on whether or not I identify myself as a lesbian? I
don't want to lose any of my friends... but are they really my friends if they would no longer like
me solely because of my sexuality?"
a. Empathy Statement:
b. Hunch:
c. Advanced Empathy Statement:
Exercise 2
"Ruth and I are on again off again with each other lately. When we're on, it's great. We have
lunch together, go shopping, all that kind of stuff. But sometimes she seems to click off. You
know, she tries to avoid me. But that is not easy to do. I keep after her. She's been pretty elusive
for about three weeks now. I don't know why she runs away like this. I feel like she’s rejecting
me. I know that we have our differences- she is quiet, I am the loud type. But our differences
don't ordinarily seem to get in the way."
a. Empathy Statement:
b. Hunch:
c. Advanced Empathy Statement:
Exercise 3
"I just don't have much enthusiasm. My grades are okay- maybe a little below par. I know that I
could do better if I wanted to. I don't understand why my disappointment with the school and
some of the faculty is interfering with my studies so much. This isn't like me... ever since I can
remember I have wanted to be an engineer. I should be happy I’m here... finally becoming what
I have always dreamed of… but I’m not happy.”
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a. Empathy Statement:
b. Hunch:
c. Advanced Empathy Statement:
Exercise 4
"My friends never have to worry about money so they always do things that are expensive when
we go out. Well, I have to count every penny! My family and I are working really hard to put me
through school. So sometimes I can't go out with them because I don't have the money. I know
that they know that I don't have a lot of money. Why can't we do some fun, cheap things
sometimes? I feel left out. I wonder if they care? And sometimes they make jokes about people
who have the same types of jobs that my parents do... about how dumb and boring these people
must be. I know that they are only joking around but..."
a. Empathy Statement:
b. Hunch:
c. Advanced Empathy Statement:
Validation
Validation is actually a familiar concept. It occurs informally each time someone
expresses a sentiment and someone else responds, "Yeah, I know that feeling." A counselor uses
validation by offering statements that affirm the individual's feelings and their "right" to feel that
way. Statements of validation recognize and support the individual's feelings in a way that
conveys, "It's really OK to have these emotions."
29
For example, anger is an emotion which is often difficult to express, and as a result some
people minimize their anger. In a counseling session, the counselor may sense that the
individual feels angry about something, but seems to be holding back from expressing that anger.
A statement such as, "From what you've been saying, it makes perfect sense that you feel angry,"
recognizes and affirms the validity of the emotion.
In a counseling session, you are looking to validate feelings over actions. Validating
actions is a form of advice-giving and not part of the EARS model! Any emotion can be
validated, but avoid validating negative self-directed feelings expressed by an issue giver such as
guilt.
Validation should be used throughout the session whenever doubt or guilt surrounding an
emotion is expressed. A common telltale sign of this is when an issue giver ends a long statement
of feelings with “I don’t know…” Make sure not to validate too often, as this risks sounding
patronizing.
Here are a few different ways you can phrase validation:
●
●
●
●
“It makes sense that you feel ________.”
“From what you’ve told me so far, it’s reasonable that you feel _______.”
“You have a right to feel ________.”
“Based on what you’ve said, it’s valid to feel _______.”
Validation Activity!
Respond to each issue with validation, then explain your reasoning behind validating.
Exercise 1
30
“Ever since it happened I haven’t been getting much sleep. I’m really tired but I can’t seem to
turn my brain off. And it’s not like I’m using that extra time to get work done, I can barely focus!
It’s like the weight of the world is pressing down on me every night. Why do I feel this way?
Why can’t I get it together?”
Validation:
Reasoning:
Exercise 2
“I’ve been looking for jobs and it’s going okay… I just don’t really feel any passion for these
entry-level positions. You’re told your whole life that you’ll grow up and do amazing things and
that you should be enthusiastic about your work, but I don’t see any of that happening for me.
It’s so overwhelming and I don’t know what to do. I feel like every other graduating senior has it
all figured out and I’m behind....”
Validation:
Reasoning:
Exercise 3
“The things he said about me were so mean. I just couldn’t take it anymore… I told his boyfriend
about cheating. I’m just so angry and done with these insults. I just can’t deal with it.”
Validation:
Reasoning:
Exercise 4
“I saw him flirting with another girl and it made me so upset. I’m such a jealous baby, I started
crying. I just felt disrespected and ashamed and I had to leave the party- I was such a mess.
When I brought it up with him he shrugged it off like I was being crazy. I don’t know…”
Validation:
Reasoning:
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Immediacy
Immediacy is focusing on the "here and now” and the issue giver. Using this skill
encourages the individual to concentrate on their feelings in the present, and not so much on how
they felt in the situation they are describing. You may ask, "How are you feeling right now about
this problem?" This does not mean that discussions of the past are not helpful, only that
situations and feelings from the past need to be related to the present; present feelings are the
only ones we, as counselors, can explore and help with.
Immediacy also means maintaining a focus on the issue giver, rather than on other people
in their life. Oftentimes issue givers will call or walk in out of concern for a friend. In these cases
they may start out talking about their friend’s feelings- it is important to nonetheless focus the
session on the person you are immediately counseling. This may seem counterintuitive, but in
order to support their friend, their feelings must be addressed first.
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Another kind of immediacy is a focus on what is going on between the individual and the
counselor in the "here and now" of the counseling session. Immediacy is using your awareness of
your own reactions and feelings in the session as an additional source of information for
reflecting to the individual. Strive to be aware of the interactions taking place between yourself
and the individual, and use these observations to provide the individual with other reflections of
how they are relating and acting in the present. Being immediate in this sense is not an easy task.
It demands an ability to be at the same time directly involved while also standing back to observe
and process what is happening.
This type of immediacy is called for when you see that either the problem giver or you
have unverbalized thoughts and feelings that need to be shared about what is taking place in the
session. Sometimes you will need to express your own feelings when you have a very strong
reaction to what the individual is saying: it may be that you have beliefs which strongly oppose
the individual's. You may have a strong bias, and not be able to nonjudgmentally counsel the
individual. Then you need to express these feelings in a constructive way: "As you're talking, I
realize that this is a difficult subject for me personally and my feelings are getting in the way of
my being helpful to you now. Let's find someone else you can talk to who will be helpful." You
may need to make a similar statement if you feel offended by what the individual is saying, or if
you are worn out and tired from a long session. Sometimes the discussion hits too close to home
(we call this "pushing the counselor's buttons"), and you find it hard to remain in control of your
own emotions. You have the right and the responsibility to be honest about your feelings in the
counseling session, especially when your feelings have an impact on the helping process. This
type of immediacy is one of the most direct expressions of genuineness.
From Gerard Egan, The Skilled Helper 10th edition, 2013
Summarization
Summarization reformulates an often overwhelming amount of information and affect
from a session into a more concise and manageable format. Summaries are used to pull thoughts
and feelings together and move the session along. This skill requires paying attention to the
individual's verbal and nonverbal statements over a period of time, then selecting the critical
dimensions and restating them as accurately as possible. This helps the issue giver to see the
situation more clearly, and also shows that you are listening!
The key to effective summarization is to be concise. Going on too long and re-stating
everything the issue giver has expressed will only confuse and overwhelm the issue giver. Plus,
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the more you say, the greater the risk of being inaccurate! An easy way to keep your summaries
short and to-the-point is to think of them as a hybrid of 3 “mini” empathy statements.
Here is a general structure layout for summaries:
“So far, we’ve talked about how you’re feeling ______ (feeling)
because ______ (content); _______ (feeling) because _______ (content);
and ______ (feeling) because ______ (content).”
When to summarize:
● When there is a pause, or “stuck point,” in the conversation
● When so much is happening that you can't remember everything and need to stop to
collect your thoughts
● Halfway through the session
● When the speaker introduces a new topic (changes the subject)
● At the end of a session during closure
Be sure to check for the accuracy of the summary if it doesn't come spontaneously (i.e. "Yeah,"
or "That's right," or nodding) by asking the individual if your summary is accurate.
can be combined with empathy statement.
First restate what they said
then pause
then focus
Focusing Always pause between skills to see if they have anything to add
Sometimes a session "goes around in circles." Often this happens because the session is
staying on a surface level. There may be too much information for you to deal with everything at
once, in which case it can be more helpful to explore one part of the problem at a time, or pick
just one main issue. The primary way to focus a session is by breaking down all of the problems
a person presents into separate, manageable components and dealing with each component one at
a time.
Some sessions require no real effort on the counselor’s part to focus, because the person
is already focusing on one particular issue. In this case, focusing is automatic. However, this is
not always the case. For example, let’s say someone is talking to you about being depressed over
troubles they are having with their family, their partner, and their roommate. They are telling you
34
all of this at once, talking in general terms about all three at once, or switching back and forth
among them.
In this case you need to pick one issue to talk about, and explore that issue fully:
“We’ve talked about troubles you’re having with your family, your partner, and your roommate.
Is there one of these relationships you’d like to focus on first?” After the first issue has been
explored, if there is time, you should focus once again on another part of the problem. After all
three surface problems have been explored, connections between them may become clear (e.g.
self-esteem may be the common denominator).
Other ways to focus:
● “We’ve talked about a number of different issues- which one would you like to focus on
first?” not that we are only doing this
● “Which one of these situations is distressing you the most right now?”
● “It sounds like there’s a lot going on. Since we have limited time, where would you like
to start?”
● "What about all this is hurting the most?"
● "What about this upsets you the most?"
You may find that exploring one issue completely leaves no time in the session to explore
other issues. That's all right. Exploring one issue on a deeper level is more helpful than exploring
several issues on a surface level!
Confrontation
Often in a counseling session, the issue giver presents conflicting thoughts or feelings.
Confrontation clearly, nonjudgmentally points out to the individual the contradictions in what
they are saying or acting, and asks them for a clarification. It is a risky skill, but can be very
important for going deeper, helping individuals to discover new insights about themselves and
their feelings.
Confrontation should only be used later in the session, after considerable rapport is
established. It is also crucial to maintain proper attitudes of respect, esteem, and non
judgmentalness- otherwise confrontation risks coming off as an attack. You should confront
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when you notice a discrepancy between thoughts, feelings, or real-time behaviors (i.e. what you
notice about their tone of voice, posture, crying). Be specific about what the discrepancy is and
use evidence to support whatever you point out.
The general structure for confrontation is as follows:
“You mentioned that you feel _______(feeling) about _______ (situation), but you
also mentioned you feel _______ (conflicting feeling). How do you reconcile these
differences?”
As an example, take a person who is talking about a relationship problem. They
periodically repeat, "Really, there is nothing seriously wrong," even as they talk about their
distrust for their partner, and their feelings of being ignored and rejected by them. In this case, it
would be important for you to confront: "I hear you say that nothing is seriously wrong in your
relationship, but I am also sensing that what has been happening between you has been causing
you an awful lot of pain. Could you help me to understand better what is happening for you?"
Here are some other scenarios where confrontation is appropriate:
● They say that things are really going fine in their life, but then bring up some very
disturbing problems.
● They assure you that they are not upset, but appear very nervous and anxious.
● They express feeling good but they are crying
Problem Management
Most of the counseling session should focus on feelings and not solutions. However,
there are situations where an issue giver has a concrete problem that can be “solved”, or a
specific decision to be made. In these cases, it is crucial that you allow the issue giver to come up
with their own answers. The problem management process offers a framework to support issue
givers and initiate a process of reflection. Keep in mind that problem management is about
surfacing possibilities or alternative ways of viewing an identified problem, not about directing
an individual to a finalized solution!
There are 6 steps to problem management, outlined below. It can help to visualize the 6
steps as a hand- with the problem as the palm of the hand, and the remaining 5 steps as each of
the 5 fingers. At any point the counselor can return to different steps in the process as needed. It
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is also important to note that these probes can be used without going through the entire PM
process.
Stages of Problem Management:
Corresponding Probes:
1)
Identify the problem
What are the facts & your feelings? Be
concrete. When several, which do you want
to focus on first?
2)
Clarify the goal
How do you want it to be?
What are your short & long-range goals?
(remember tools to open up counseling
session: Miracle Question, Exception
Finding Questions, Probes)
3)
Brainstorm alternatives
What are the possible options?
4)
Evaluate alternatives
What are the advantages and disadvantages
of each? What will help or hinder you?
How? What's the worst that could happen
if…?
(This process will differ from person to
person, sometimes it helps to invite them to
“try one” one possible course of action and
see how it feels.)
5)
Choose & make a plan
Which do you think and feel you can and
will do? If you can't decide, what's stopping
you? What specifically will you do next?
How? When?
6) Evaluate & re-act
How will you know you've succeeded? If
this happens, what will you do? What
supports do you have available?
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Exception Finding Questions
Searching for exceptions to the problem can occur at any time but is especially helpful in
assisting an individual to clarify their goal. When confronted with a problem, it sometimes helps
to identify places/times in one’s life in which the problem is not present. These questions afford
people the opportunity to raise the positive impact that one small exception can have in their
lives.
Here are some examples:
● Are there times when this problem doesn’t occur?
● Can you think of any other time, either in the past or in recent weeks, that you did not
have a problem with ______?
● What’s different about the times when this problem doesn’t occur?
● What would you say you do differently at those times?
● What will have to happen for you to do it that way more often?
If individuals are persistent reword the question:
When is it…
● less severe?
● less frequent?
● shorter in duration?
● different in any way?
Value Questions
Value questions help the issue giver identify what really matters to them and uncovers
deeper underlying feelings. They reveal meaning and- as the name suggests- values! They are a
very useful kind of probe, and can be used anytime to promote identity exploration and focus the
session.
There are two main ways to ask value questions:
“What do you value about ______?”
“What does ______ mean to you?”
For example, you may ask:
● “What do you value about your education?”
● “What do you value about your independence?”
● “What does being a leader mean to you?”
● “What does being a good friend mean to you?
● “What does it mean for you to be accountable?”
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Miracle Question
The miracle question is a framework for goal setting, and allows the issue giver to
imagine a “perfect world” in order to clarify what it is they really want. Because its focus is on
the outcome first, the miracle question allows individuals to develop solutions that are separate
from the problem itself. This helps the issue giver work through issues in a less direct, more
creative fashion, identifying goals and values along the way. This is a very useful method and
can be used outside of the problem management process!
Here are some examples:
● “Suppose when you go to sleep tonight, a miracle happens and the problems that brought
you here today are solved- what would be different tomorrow?”
● “In a perfect world- how would this situation look and feel?”
● “In an ideal world- how would everything be?”
● “If anything was possible, what would change?”
● “If you could change the relationship dynamic overnight, what would be different?”
● “Ideally, how would that conversation play out?”
When all the possible differences after the miracle have been explored, exception-type
questions help establish exceptions that are related to the goals. These help to bridge from
pretending the miracle has happened to helping individuals make it happen.
Follow-up questions:
● “What would have to happen for this miracle to come true?”
● “When are there times now that pieces of this miracle happen just a little bit? What’s
different about those times? Who’s doing what? How do you do that?”
● “What would you have to do so that it would happen more often?”
● “What would have to happen more often for this miracle to take place?”
● “After the miracle, what will you notice different about ______?”
Scaling Questions
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Scaling questions can be used to measure progress before, during, and after the session.
They are useful to determine investment in change, to determine individual’s confidence in
taking steps to solve problems, and to assess any perceptions of relationships or solutions.
Scaling Questions: Individual
“On a scale of 1 to 10 where 10 is when these problems are solved and 1 is the worst
they’ve ever been, where are you today?” The most common response is 3. Individuals in crisis
might say 0; individuals who have experienced positive pre-session change might respond at 5 or
above. Again the number is not as important as the response to follow-up questions: “How did
you manage to get to a 3? What would be different if you were at a 4?” For low responses, the
emphasis should be on the next level: “If things were just a little bit better, say at a 1, what
would be different?” For higher responses, the emphasis should be on the change that’s already
occurred: “What have you done that’s helped you get to a 5?”
For individuals invested in creating change: “What would you need to do to get from a 4
to a 5?” For individuals who don’t speak in action terms: “What would it look like if you were at
a 4? Or how would you know you were at a 4? What would be different?”
In situations where change has taken place (pre-session change in the first session or
positive change in subsequent sessions), scaling questions are useful in determining how
confident individuals are in the change continuing: “On a scale of 1 to 10 where 10 is you are
very confident and 1 is where you are not confident at all, how confident are you that these
changes will continue?” If the individual acknowledges responsibility for the change: “On that
same scale, how confident are you that you can continue to do what you’ve been doing?” Again,
depending upon the response: “What would it take for you to be a bit more confident?” Or
“what would be different if you were more confident?”
Scaling Questions: Relationships
These same scaling questions can be used to assess the individual’s perception of change,
confidence and willingness in their spouse, child, parent, or significant other. “On a scale of 1 to
10 where 10 is when these problems with your parent/partner are solved, where would you say
your parent/partner is today? On a scale of 1 to 10, how well would you say your parent/partner
is communicating?
Adapted from Solution Focused Therapy (SFT), as its name suggests, focuses on solutions and is goal-oriented,
rather than problem focused as many other therapies are. It is also known as Brief Solution Focused Therapy or
Solution Focused Brief Therapy, and was developed by Steve de Shazer and Insoo Kim Berg, who were influenced
by the work of Milton Erickson. Bill O'Hanlon (who worked closely with Erickson) adopts less structured
approaches, which he calls Solution-Oriented Therapy and Possibility Therapy.
Information Giving
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As a counselor, you should never give advice. But what about cases where the issue giver
is actually misinformed? When an issue giver says something factually incorrect (i.e. not open to
any interpretation!) you should use information giving. This skill should only be used if the
information they do not have is relevant to their wellbeing, not just because you want to correct
them!
Here are a few examples of scenarios where information giving would be useful:
● Someone comes into the EARS room stressed about a class that they “cannot drop”
because the deadline is passed- even after the drop deadline you can petition to drop a
class!
● Someone is worried they are pregnant or have an STD from engaging in a behavior that
could not yield those results (e.g. kissing, being in a hot tub, etc.)
● Someone is struggling with food insecurity and believes there is nowhere they can find
food for the day (there is free food in the EARS room, and a number of places on campus
including Anabel’s grocery- there is an app that tells you where you can find free food on
campus!)
A good way to phrase information giving is:
“I heard you say ______. I want to make sure you have all the correct information
on this, so I’ll let you know that _______.”
Remember your attitudes and remain nonjudgmental and respectful while giving
information (see the section on “Attitudes” for more details). Also make sure that your phrasing
is polite- be clear that you are trying to help them while avoiding sounding condescending or
preachy.
Closure
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The purpose of the closure phase in counseling is to provide a smooth transition from the
intimate and often emotionally intense session to the work the individual will now be embarking
upon on their own. Closure happens at the very end of a counseling session and has 4 steps:
1. Summary
Begin closure with a end-of-session summary (see the “Summary” section for more
details) What were the most reflected feelings and thoughts throughout the session? It can
be helpful to structure this last summary as a chronology of the session (e.g. “We started
out today discussing how you felt _______ because _______. Then we talked about how
you felt ________ because ________, and ended up making a plan together to
_______”). Make sure you use silence! Leave space after your summary so the issue
giver can respond.
2. “How do you feel now?”
Check in with how they are feeling.
3. “Is there anything else you want to talk about?”
This question may get you into another long session so don't ask it unless you have the
time and energy to follow up! Remember that you are human and only have a certain
amount of energy and attention. Be sure to plan the session to be over before you run out
of steam and take care to set appropriate boundaries (e.g. "I will only be able to talk with
you for about 15 minutes more; let's see what we can do to come to some resolution for
now.")
4. Referrals + Thank You
The final step is to thank them for calling or stopping into the EARS room, and include
any referrals you deem appropriate for their situation (see the “Referrals” section for
more details). Make sure to always refer them back to EARS: “Remember you are
welcome to call or stop by anytime!”
Referrals
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Referrals connect issue givers with resources in the Cornell and/or Ithaca communities that
will benefit them and help them with their presented problems. This requires a firm and
comprehensive knowledge of available resources- educate yourself! If you are part of a group on
campus or have found a particular resource helpful- please share that information with your
EARS peers! You should make a referral when the issue giver requests one, or when you feel
that a particular referral is suitable.
If an individual approaches you specifically to ask for a referral, discuss the nature of the
individual's needs and what kind of information or help they want to obtain. Rather than just
referring to just to CAPS or Let’s Talk, take time to familiarize the IG about how to use these
resources. What does the process of scheduling an appointment with a therapist look like? How
long does it usually take to receive care? Will the bill show up as therapy on parents’ insurance?
As a counselor you need to be sensitive to the individual's need for support in contacting
referrals. Seeking professional counseling can be a huge step for individuals in crisis. For walkins, you may also offer to sit with them in the EARS room as they dial the number for CAPS or
Crisiline.
If the individual's needs are not clear to you, or if they seem reluctant to go where you
suggest, then offer alternatives. For instance, if the individual seems reluctant to go to
Psychological Services at Cornell Health because of some kind of stigma attached to it, suggest a
counselor at Cornell United Religious Work or staff at any of the identity centers (ie. LGBT,
A3C). Let’s Talk is also a great referral if you sense your IG is uneasy about calling Cornell
Health.
If you have no idea what the appropriate referral would be, ask your shift partner, or offer
to research the different possibilities and invite IG to return the next day (this gives you time to
check in with the Advisor to EARS).
Remember to always refer the individual back to EARS. Once you have offered a
referral, let the individual know that you are still available/interested in talking to them right
then. Show that you are not shunting the individual aside. Ask the individual to let you know
what happens or how it goes. If the referral is refused by the individual, don't be insistent. The
individual is responsible for their own actions, and has the right to refuse a referral.
Important Referrals:
● http://caringcommunity.cornell.edu/get-help/ (a comprehensive list of campus
and community resources)
● http://share.cornell.edu (campus and community resources to assist individuals
who have experienced sexual violence)
● https://health.cornell.edu/resources/health-topics/concern-others (tips to help
someone in crisis)
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Triads
During small group, we will often spend time in what we call “Triads.” One triad is made
up of three people: one counselor, one one issue giver, and one feedback person. It’s important
that you experience each one of these roles at least once over the course of the semester to have a
well-rounded understanding of the counseling session and to practice the skills you will use in
the future as a counselor. The different roles are outlined below.
Counselor Role
The best way to learn how to counsel is to counsel! In the role of the counselor, you get
hands-on practice using the skills we’ve learned. This may seem daunting or nerve-wracking, but
it is best to jump right in. There’s no harm in trying- we all make mistakes! It is better to make
errors early on while practicing in triads rather than later in a real session. If you feel stuck: use
this manual, your feedback person, or your trainers as a resource!
Feedback Role
In the feedback role, you serve the critical purpose of recording and reacting to the
session from the outside. During the session, take detailed notes of what the counselor is saying,
and enough on what the issue giver is saying to supply context (no need to record every word!).
Throughout the session, jot down your comments- is the counselor sticking to the model? How
would you respond if you were counseling? Using the 3-column paper, include the issue giver’s
words on the left, your own notes in the middle, and the counselor’s words on the right. (Check
out the next section on “Feedback Model/I-Statements” for more details on how to give good
feedback)
After the session, ask the issue giver and counselor both:
1. How are you feeling now?
2. (Ask counselor first, then ask issue giver to reword) What did you think the
immediate/most pressing issue was, and were there any underlying issues?
3. What did you find helpful or what worked well in the session?
4. What did you find less helpful or what might have been done differently?
Then, include your own feedback:
1. Three things the counselor did well. Give concrete, specific examples.
2. Three things the counselor did that could be improved. Check in with the issue giver to
see if these critiques
Issue Giver Role
When you are in the role of the issue giver, you should talk about your own real
problems. Through this direct experience, you will understand how it feels to talk about your life
and work through personal problems with a counselor. This perspective is very important to
develop counseling skills as it enables us to literally “step into the shoes” of an issue giver and
cultivate a deeper level of empathy. It is also very difficult for the counselor to counsel a madeup issue, so, keep it real! As you build rapport with the other trainees and learn to trust one
another more deeply, you can move from dealing with simpler personal problems to dealing with
more substantive issues.
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Issue Giver Activity
That being said, we understand it can be difficult to share details about yourself and your
feelings. Share only what you’re comfortable with- there’s no need to cross your own
boundaries! This exercise is meant to help you review possible topics to use during triads.
Careful self-reflection will give you a list of issues that are neither too superficial nor too
intimate for the training group. Without preparation, you may find yourself talking about things
that are not really problematic (or problems that have long been solved) or talking about things
you had no intention of revealing. This exercise should also help you choose problem areas that
are capable of some extended development, so that you don’t necessarily need to find a new
problem every time you are an issue giver.
Possible issues to work on:
1) ___________________________________________________________________
2) ___________________________________________________________________
3) ___________________________________________________________________
4) ___________________________________________________________________
5) ___________________________________________________________________
6) ___________________________________________________________________
7) ___________________________________________________________________
8) ___________________________________________________________________
Feedback Model/I-Statements
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This is a feedback model for everyday situations as well as in a counselor training session.
1)
Acknowledge the other’s point of view, effort.
Real Life Example: A friend of mine once told someone something I had confidentially shared with
her, in an effort to “help” me. My feedback could start: “I realize you told Lauren some things,
and that you were trying to help me out.”
2)
Describe the behavior and its effect.
“When you _________ I felt _________ because _______.”
Real Life Example: “When you told her those things, I felt betrayed because I had told you in
confidence.”
Counseling Example: “When you said advanced empathy statement X, the issue giver seemed to open
up and tell a deeper level of their story.”
Or: “When you asked the question ‘why?’ the problem giver seemed to move away from feelings, and
into defending their actions, which led the session away from deeper issues.”
3)
Make a suggestion for change, phrased in the positive.
In other words, tell them what they can do. This is the key to constructive criticism. Better yet, before
you make a suggestion, see if they have one first.
Real Life Example: “…so next time you think it would be helpful to say something private about me to
somebody, how about if you ask my permission first.”
Counseling Example: “What do you think you could say next time instead of “Are you angry?” to get
the most helpful response?”
Or, “Next time you could say ________ or _________ to help the person go deeper.”
Counseling Example: “It seems difficult for you to ask open-ended questions or make empathy
statements, rather than ask close-ended questions. What can we do to change that? How can I
help?”
4)
After each step, check out the person’s reaction. Listen to their point of view.
“How do you feel about all this?”
“What’s going on for you right now?”
“How does this fit in with other feedback you’ve gotten?”
“Does this make sense?”
Counseling LGBTQIA+ Individuals
46
(Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer or Questioning, Intersex,
Asexual, etc.)
These suggestions are meant to serve as guidelines for counseling and assisting an individual
who is struggling with their sexual orientation or and/or gender identity. Hopefully these
suggestions will increase counselor knowledge and encourage continued learning. For many
individuals, identifying under the LGBTQIA+ umbrella is not a problem or a grave concern. Do not
assume that the individual wants help with their sexual orientation just because they identify as
LGBTQIA+.
● Sexual orientation is the term used to describe what gender(s) someone is sexually and/or
romantically attracted to.
● You can't tell a person’s sexual orientation by the way they look or their job or hobbies. The
only way to know is to ask.
● Sexual orientation is different from gender and gender identity- how you feel about and
express your gender.
● People who are attracted to members of other genders often call themselves straight.
● People who are attracted to same gender often call themselves gay or lesbian.
● People who are attracted to both men and women often call themselves bisexual.
● People whose attractions span across the gender identity possibilities (male, female,
transgender, genderqueer, intersex, etc.) may call themselves pansexual.
● People who are unsure about their sexual orientation may call themselves questioning.
● People who don't experience any sexual attraction for anyone may call themselves asexual.
Why do we say "often" or "may"? Because some people don't think these labels describe them
accurately. Some people don't like the idea of labels at all. Each person decides for themselves how
they want to label themselves, if at all.
Some people use the term queer to describe themselves. Queer is a word that describes
sexual and gender identities other than straight and cisgender. Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and
transgender people may all identify with the word queer. Queer is sometimes used to express that
sexuality and gender can be complicated, change over time, and might not fit neatly into either/or
identities, like male or female, gay or straight. The word “queer” has history to it that’s hurtful“queer” used to be (and sometimes still is) used to put down or disrespect LGBT people. But more
and more, it has been reclaimed and people use the word with pride to identify themselves. So don’t
call someone “queer” unless you know they’re cool with it. The best thing to do is ask what labels
people prefer.
The gender unicorn is a tool to help conceptualize and identify the differences between gender
identity, gender expression, sex assigned at birth, sexual attraction, and emotional attraction. You
may fill out your own chart, or use it as a reference!
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When Counseling:
● Set aside your doubts, start educating yourself and respect each person who seeks your
support. By doing this you are saying: "I see you, I support you, I respect you."
● Challenge your own assumptions and be aware of your own feelings concerning your own
sexuality. Are you comfortable and effective dealing with individuals who are questioning or
evolving in their self understanding of their sexual orientation?
● Be mindful that the mainstream culture can often privilege heterosexuality as superior or
“normative” leaving LGBTQIA+ individuals to feel invisible or invalidated.
● Respect everyone's self-identification. Call everyone by their preferred name and pronouns.
Use language that is appropriate to their gender self-identification. If you don't know what
pronouns or gender labels someone prefers (and there's no mutual friend around to clue you
in), just ask them politely! For example: "What pronouns do you prefer?" or "How do you
like to be referred to, in terms of gender?" By asking someone in the right way, you can
indirectly communicate: "I want to be respectful of you and I don't want to make any
assumptions.”
● Accept and validate the feelings of the person speaking to you with active, positive
responses. Particularly with an individual who is questioning their orientation, how the
counselor establishes a compassionate and welcoming rapport can make all the difference in
enabling an individual to speak openly.
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● The EARS model offers you many resources towards creating positive and nonjudgmental
rapport. When speaking to an individual who feels conflicted, it is important to ask questions
that will enable the speaker to feel supported in exploring their contradictory feelings.
● Stay with the feelings of the issue giver. While it can be uncomfortable for the counselor to
hear a speaker discuss feelings of shame, guilt, fear or low self-worth (often a consequence
of being exposed to pervasive prejudice), it is vital that the speaker be given the time and
support to explore these uncomfortable feelings.
● Work towards affirming the speaker’s courage in seeking clarity about their sexual
orientation.
● Encourage the individual to develop a gay/queer-positive support system that will provide
mutual comfort, support, respect, affirmation, acceptance, understanding and security.
(LGBT Resource Office: http://dos.cornell.edu/lgbt-resource-center)
Adapted from "Trans Respect/Etiquette/Support 101 by Micah Bazant (updated from TimTum: A Trans Jew Zine © Micah
Bazant 2006)
Possible Issues to Explore:
Family Relationships
Religion
Legally Sanctioned Discrimination
Coming Out
Forced Disclosure
Parenting
Job Security
Harassment and Abuse
Perpetuated Stereotypes
Media messages
Sexual Activities
Social Isolation
Love Relationships
AIDS
Hidden History
G/L/B Culture & History
Self Acceptance
Transitioning
Common Reflected Feelings:
● ABANDONED, BETRAYED … by family, friends, lovers, religious communities/
support networks.
● DIFFERENT, AWKWARD … in a world that values conformity.
● CONDEMNED, SELF-HATRED … having experienced much gay hate in our culture.
● REJECTED, DEVALUED, WORTHLESS … view taken on from experience of
heterosexist society seeing gayness as abnormal, deviant and immoral.
● IGNORED, ALONE, ISOLATED, INVISIBLE … resulting from attacks on character,
identity and self-esteem.
● RAGE, ANGER, RESENTMENT … at hiding, leading a double life or wrestling with
attacks of prejudice and discrimination
● PERSECUTED, OPPRESSED … in a society that discriminates legally, religiously and
socially.
● BITTERNESS, PAIN, DESPAIR … may engage in drug use or alcohol abuse or
expressing feelings of suicidal ideation.
● FRANTIC, THREATENED, SCARED … about the possibility of being
gay/lesbian/bisexual or about disclosure that might harm them
Multicultural Awareness and Cultural Humility in Counseling
In order to practice empathy, it is important that counselors increase their awareness,
knowledge and skills around helping people with cultural identities are different from their own.
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A recent major shift in multicultural thinking is the move away from the ‘melting pot'' theory of
assimilation, which seeks to force the assimilation of culturally different populations to the
dominant identity group’s way of being. Inclusion is about accepting and respecting the
pluralistic nature of people and being open to providing for people’s unique needs based on their
own unique cultural characteristics.
Developing cultural sensitivity means developing the capability to recognize and accept
differences between cultures’ perception of the world. Cultural sensitivity and humility is not a
static skill. According to Dr. Milton Bennett’s research on Intercultural communication and Dr.
Mahzarin Banaji, expert psychologist on the science of unconscious bias - one must engage in an
individual and continued process of personal development, self-reflection and recognition of
how we perceive and interact with the world around us.
Identities can be visible and invisible and people can hold several identities. Identity
groups include, but are not limited to: race, religion, ethnicity, culture, sexual orientation, socioeconomic background, country of origin, and disability. Within each identity group, there are a
set of cultural practices, customs and behaviors that are unique to that group. Without cultural
sensitivity and humility, people from groups outside of an identity group may misunderstand,
stereotype, discriminate or be unconsciously bias against those in groups “other” than theirs.
While there is an increasing appreciation for diversity, the presence of people holding various
identities within a particular space, the ultimate goal is Inclusion; that is, people of various
identities feeling welcomed and a sense of belonging among those with which they do not share
the same identity characteristics.
Guiding Principles of a Culturally Sensitive Counselor:
● Seek to understand your own culture and values and make an effort to learn and
appreciate cultures and identity groups that are different from your own.
● Become aware of personal values/biases and how these affect how you see others. Utilize
tools and learning opportunities to explore your own biases. (a widely recommended
starting one, developed by Dr. Banaji at Harvard is
https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/takeatest.html)
● Strive to establish a consistent level of rapport with persons who are different from
oneself culturally (i.e., in terms of race, gender, sexual orientation, class, other variables.)
● Be aware of the impact of bias at the social and community level that may be affecting
the psychological welfare of all persons who seek counseling support.
● Be flexible with your application of the EARS skills and get comfortable with the
uncomfortable.
● Know that words, expressions, and body language are culturally loaded: something said
or done can translate very differently for people of differing identities. More specifically,
words used in a counseling session have a connotative and denotative meaning. The
application of ROLE-SET might need to be adjusted based on culturally specific
understanding (e.g. use of eye-contact might offer varying levels of comfort for issue
givers.)
Applying the EARS Model with Cultural Awareness
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You have been exposed to most or all aspects of the EARS model at this point of the training.
Below are some examples of how the skills you learned are applicable in a culturally mindful
way.
1. Advanced Empathy - Take the risk/chance to connect, and make room to be corrected.
Ths s
“Correct me if I am wrong, you are feeling ________
2. Useful probes- here are some examples: [Can you think of others?]
a. What does __________ [Feeling word/other experience described used by IG]
look like for you?
b. How does ____________[named experience/feeling] show up in your life?
c. How does ______________ [Feeling/experience] translate into your everyday
experience?
d. In what ways does ___________ affect you?
3. Skillful use of confrontations - confrontations are usually helpful to highlight and help
reconcile a contradiction in an issue-giver’s story.
a. Be careful that your use of confrontation is not judgemental of the IG’s
experience
b. Be aware that people who hold multiple identities may live their lives at the
crossroads of what seems like contradictions to people who are not part of that
identity.
c. Remember, your role is to make the IG feel heard with empathy and gain some
clarity about the issues that are concerning to them. This means that they may
decide to make a decision now or in the future.
4. Embrace the absence of a finite answer. You may experience several failed attempts to
focus or deepen a session. This means that a session can end in an ellipsis, a period, an
aha! or a semicolon. People may intentionally not ‘go deep’ because of a variety of
reasons, be patient, respectful and support them where they are.
5. Remain culturally curious. Personal biases may affect the words or emotions one might
choose to reflect in an empathy statement or the course of issue a counselor might choose
to pursue.
Use the exercise below to practice culturally sensitive responses. How would you respond if
the issue giver says the following:
“I work in a toxic environment.”
Response:
“Things are just really weird between my roommate and I.”
Response:
“If my parents find out who I am, they’ll be really disappointed.”
Response:
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Crisis Intervention
If you notice warning signs of suicidality or pick up on a feeling, it’s important that you
are prepared to address it, whether it’s in a counseling session or otherwise. This section outlines
key steps to identify and intervene in crisis situations and keep the person safe. First and
foremost, you should look out for warning signs that someone may be in crisis or having suicidal
thoughts or tendencies.
Common warning behaviors include:
● Withdrawing socially or emotionally
● Sleeping too much or too little
● Acting anxious, agitated, or reckless
● Extreme mood swings
● Increasing the use of drugs and alcohol
● Giving personal belongings away
● Talking about wanting to disappear or escape
● Talking about wanting to die
● Self-destructive behavior
● Neglecting hygiene and appearance
Common phrases include:
● “I just can’t take it anymore.”
● “I don’t want to do this anymore.”
● “I don’t want to be here.”
● “There’s no point in trying anymore.”
● “I just want the pain to end.”
Common reflected feelings include:
● Hopelessness
● Helplessness
● Worthlessness
● Feeling trapped
● Feeling a loss of purpose
● Depression
● Isolation
● Never-ending sadness
● Tiredness
● Feeling like a burden on others
If you notice any of these behaviors, phrases, or feelings, or even if you just have a hunch that
someone is in trouble, it’s crucial that you begin the steps of crisis intervention and/or seek help
for the person in crisis. It is always better to be careful and keep the person safe if you have any
doubts. Remember, if you feel unprepared to deal with someone in crisis you can always ask
your shift partner, the EARS Director, call Crisisline, or the police.
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1. Ask the suicide question
There is a common misconception that asking this question will “plant a seed” of suicidality in
someone who may not have been previously thinking of ending their life. Research has shown
that asking the suicide question does not have this effect. You can ask the suicide question in a
number of ways, but make sure you are being direct- do not ask if they are thinking of “harming”
themselves, as self-harm is markedly different from suicide. People are almost always honest in
their answer to this question.
Here are some ways you can ask the suicide question:
● “Are you thinking of ending your life?”
● “Based on what you’ve reflected, I have to ask- are you thinking of killing yourself?”
● “Are you having thoughts of suicide?”
How do you respond if someone says “yes”? You may be flooded with a number of feelings in
hearing this- your first job is to take care of yourself. Take a moment for some deep breaths and
notice your body. Allow space for the weight of the topic, the person may cry or become very
emotional upon hearing themselves say this out loud- sit with this for a moment. After some
silence, a good verbal response is to express gratitude and say, “Thank you so much for sharing
this with me, it takes a lot of bravery to talk about this.” The next step is to identify the level of
immediacy of the threat to their life.
2. Keep them safe
Ask if they have a plan for how to end their life. If they have a concrete plan, probe for details.
You want to identify the lethality and urgency of the threat and remove them from immediate
risk. Have they already done anything to try to kill themselves before talking to you? Are they in
a safe location? Is there anyone around them for additional support? For example, if you are on
the phone with someone walking home from class whose plan is to jump from a bridge, ask them
to take a different route, or meet you in the EARS room. If their plan includes taking pills or
using a weapon, ask them if they can give the pills or a weapon to a friend. A good way to phrase
this is to focus on the present moment, and say, “Just for right now, while we’re on the phone,
could you give the bottle of pills to a friend for safekeeping? I want to make sure you’re safe.”
Your goal in this step is to remove the person from as much risk as possible in the moment that
you are with them. This way, they are safe in the meantime, until another intervention can be put
in place such as a friend coming over or waiting for the police to take them to the hospital.
3. Explore feelings and reasons behind the suicidality
Using open-ended, non-judgmental probes, explore the suicidal tendencies and thoughts just as
you would any other issue in a counseling session. Focus on feelings and the last six weeks,
identifying hazardous events and precipitating incidents, i.e. why the individual came to you
today. Ask them to be concrete and specific. The only difference here from a non-crisis session is
that you want to focus specifically on attachments to life: jobs, pets, friends, parents, children,
responsibilities, people and things in their life that they would be leaving behind. For example, if
someone is talking about hating their job and their marriage, focus on that connection to their
coworkers and their spouse- how would these people feel if they died? If someone mentions they
have no friends but also tell you about their dog, focus on the dog- how would the dog feel if
they were gone?
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4. Summarize and focus
Summarize the problem with the individual, so that you both agree on the definition of the
problem and its main elements. Agree with the individual on the specific area of problem to be
considered. The area selected should both be causing the individual great pain and should be
susceptible to some immediate action with the likelihood of results.
5. Explore resources
Motivate and direct the individual to tell you what they have done so far.
● What do they wish to do?
● What are they afraid to do? What have they done in the past in similar situations?
Who have they talked to?
● Who would they like to talk to if they could?
After exploring what the individual has considered, the counselor may then suggest other
resources (see the section on “Referrals” for details). During crisis, the person’s habits and
coping patterns are suspended, and they are especially open to learning new methods of coping.
There is a rise of energy during crisis, signified by emotional turmoil, which if focused and
directed can be used for crisis resolution. It is important to remind them that even by reaching
out, there is a part of them that wants to stay alive. Emphasize their strength- they were coping
until now, even if maladaptively. They have kept themselves alive up to this point, and that takes
a tremendous amount of courage and resilience.
6. Create a plan
This is a crucial step as it is often difficult or impossible for those in crisis to think about the
future. It also provides support going forward after the session.
● Agree on a plan of action with the individual.
● Specify the next step, what they will do.
● Specify goals (mention resources as appropriate).
● Encourage individual to return to EARS room as needed/desired.
7. Follow up
In an anonymous confidential counseling context such as EARS, this is not always possible. You
may ask if the person can call back or return in the short term (15 minutes, 1 hour, next day).
This step holds the individual accountable and gives them something to look forward to.
8. Debrief and care for you
It can be very stressful to take care of an individual in crisis and can bring up a lot of emotions or
trigger past trauma. After the session or interaction, talk to your shift partner or a close friend
about how you are feeling and what’s coming up for you in the moment. Take extra steps to
express compassion towards yourself in the days following a crisis intervention.
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Becoming an EARS counselor
Training & Competency
Everyone must go through the EARS Beginning Training and Advanced Training programs to be
considered for staff, including those with prior counseling experience. At the completion of Advanced
Training, trainees can qualify to take the LRP, or Long Role Play: the final evaluative process in
determining trainee readiness for joining the EARS staff. Many trainees, however, find they need to go
through the Intensive 5-week training program in order to get the practice and experience needed to
integrate the knowledge, skills and principles.
There are 5 things that must be demonstrated in training to be considered for staff:
● commitment to the underlying principles of the EARS program, respect and openness toward self
and others
● knowledge of the EARS counseling model
● ability to effectively apply the counseling model to different counseling issues
● ability to provide constructive feedback to others and to the program
● commitment and responsibility to the program (e.g., regularly attending training, communicating
with trainers, participate in group process, ability to honestly self-evaluate)
The EARS Beginning, Advanced, and Intensive training programs are designed to provide this
information and allow for practice.
Pracs
Trainees are usually ready to take the LRP when they feel comfortable counseling, which takes a lot
of practice! Begin going to the EARS room early in the semester for practice counseling sessions, or
“pracs.” You must complete at least 4, and pass at least 2 pracs prior to considering yourself for the
LRP. No one will be considered for the LRP without at least 2 very positive evaluations (most trainees
need to complete more than four pracs in order to pass two and prepare sufficiently for the LRP).
Trainees are expected to take responsibility for getting evaluated with pracs.
EARS calls and walk-ins will always take precedence over trainee pracs, so please be aware that your
session may be interrupted, cut short, or rescheduled. You sign up for pracs online- signup slots are one
hour, and you must bring someone to counsel. If the person you counsel also wants to get an evaluation,
they will need to sign up for their own hour-long slot. After going over your evaluation verbally with
you, the EARS counselor evaluating your prac will file the written evaluation in a folder with your name
on it in the EARS room after emailing you and your trainer(s). If you do not get your evaluation back in
a week’s time, please email your trainer.
Long Role Play
Prior to being considered for the Long Role Play, a trainee must complete at least 4 and pass 2 practice
counseling sessions, or “pracs” from different EARS staff members. When a trainee feels that they are
ready to join the staff and they have met the program requirements, they will be reviewed for the next
available LRP. The trainers and EARS Director will look at the evaluations and any other feedback and
make a decision about whether the trainee will be able to take the LRP. There are usually two LRPs held
each semester on the weekends. The LRP consists of a 40-60 minute counseling session, and is
evaluated by two counselors.
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