The Courage to Be Disliked (Ichiro Kishimi;Fumitake Koga)
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wants to leave the possibility of “I can do it if I try” open, by not committing to anything. He doesn’t
want to expose his work to criticism, and he certainly doesn’t want to face the reality that he might
produce an inferior piece of writing and face rejection. He wants to live inside that realm of
possibilities, where he can say that he could do it if he only had the time, or that he could write if he
just had the proper environment, and that he really does have the talent for it. In another five or ten
years, he will probably start using other excuses like “I’m not young anymore” or “I’ve got a family to
think about now.” YOUTH: I can relate all too well to how he must feel. PHILOSOPHER: He should just
enter his writing for an award, and if he gets rejected, so be it. If he did, he might grow, or discover
that he should pursue something different. Either way, he would be able to move on. That is what
changing your current lifestyle is about. He won’t get anywhere by not submitting anything.
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The Courage to Be Disliked (Ichiro Kishimi;Fumitake Koga)
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But if you change your lifestyle—the way of giving meaning to the world and yourself—then both
your way of interacting with the world and your behavior will have to change as well. Do not forget
this point: One will have to change. You, just as you are, have to choose your lifestyle. It might seem
hard, but it is really quite simple. YOUTH: According to you, there’s no such thing as trauma, and
environment doesn’t matter either. It’s all just baggage, and my unhappiness is my own fault, right?
I’m starting to feel I’m being criticized for everything I’ve ever been and done! PHILOSOPHER: No,
you are not being criticized. Rather, as Adler’s teleology tells us, “No matter what has occurred in
your life up to this point, it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now on.” That you,
living in the here and now, are the one who determines your own life. YOUTH: My life is determined
at this exact point? PHILOSOPHER: Yes, because the past does not exist.
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The Courage to Be Disliked (Ichiro Kishimi;Fumitake Koga)
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PHILOSOPHER: That’s right. Now, keeping this student’s story in mind, let’s think about your
problems. You say that, at present, you notice only your shortcomings, and it’s unlikely that you’ll
ever come to like yourself. And then you said, “I’m sure that no one would want to get involved with
a guy as warped as me.” I’m sure you understand this already. Why do you dislike yourself? Why do
you focus only on your shortcomings, and why have you decided to not start liking yourself? It’s
because you are overly afraid of being disliked by other people and getting hurt in your interpersonal
relationships.
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The Courage to Be Disliked (Ichiro Kishimi;Fumitake Koga)
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YOUTH: What do you mean by that? PHILOSOPHER: Just like the young woman with the fear of
blushing, who was afraid of being rejected by the man, you are afraid of being negated by other
people. You’re afraid of being treated disparagingly, being refused, and sustaining deep mental
wounds. You think that instead of getting entangled in such situations, it would be better if you just
didn’t have relations with anyone in the first place. In other words, your goal is to not get hurt in your
relationships with other people.
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The Courage to Be Disliked (Ichiro Kishimi;Fumitake Koga)
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PHILOSOPHER: By doing that, my position becomes superior to other people’s, and I can become
special. Quite a few people try to be “special” by adopting this kind of attitude when they are sick or
injured, or suffering the mental anguish of heartbreak. YOUTH: So they reveal their feeling of
inferiority and use it to their advantage? PHILOSOPHER: Yes. They use their misfortune to their
advantage and try to control the other party with it. By declaring how unfortunate they are and how
much they have suffered, they are trying to worry the people around them (their family and friends,
for example), and to restrict their speech and behavior, and control them. The people I was talking
about at the very beginning, who shut themselves up in their rooms, frequently indulge in feelings of
superiority and use misfortune to their advantage. So much so that Adler himself pointed out, “In our
culture weakness can be quite strong and powerful.” YOUTH: So weakness is powerful?
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