CONFLICT
RESOLUTION
SAM HOUSTON MIDDLE SCHOOL
COUNSELING DEPARTMENT
CONFLICT RESOLUTION
2021
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CONFLICT RESOLUTION
In order to resolve conflicts, we must be able to understand our dysfunctional
tendencies & roles when creating conflict.
We will be using 2 models to help us understand these concepts:
Drama Triangle
(Identify the problem/ Our Role in Creating Conflict)
Empowerment Triangle (Solve Conflict)
Here is a short video clip to help you understand the Drama Triangle…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ycvlyj846iU
THE DRAMA TRINGLE
(Problem focused):
Victim
Rescuer
Persecutor
THE EMPOWERMENT TRIANGLE
(Solution focused):
Creator
Coach
Challenger
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Have you ever heard that we only use 10% of our brains?
This comes from the idea that we
are only 10% Conscious.
90% of what we do is decided by
our internal programs (or Core
Beliefs). Because of this our minds
are able to conserve energy by
basically running on auto-pilot.
When we are aware that 90% of
what we do is automatic, our
awareness comes from knowing our
Core Beliefs & blind spots.
Our blind spots are when we
unconsciously fall into 1 of 3 roles:
Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor.
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OUR INNATE PSYCHOLOGICAL DESIRE TO HELP OTHERS
CAN BE EXPLOITED IF WE ARE NOT AWARE OF THEM…
We want to show others we care, but allowing them feel like a victim
enables helplessness.
It handicaps the person from finding their own solution, so they stay in
the Victim role (focused on the problem).
We want to resolve conflict and promote justice & equality but blaming &
judging does not solve this problem.
Blaming & judging puts a person on the defense & blocks them &
ourselves from finding a solution.
To resolve a problem we must focus on what we are able to change first.
This always involves changing how we THINK.
OPTING OUT OF DRAMA
• First we need to understand the dysfunctional
roles we adopt to deal with conflict.
• The flawed thinking that we adopt stems from
an internal desire to be right. Right in how we
feel, Right in what we do, and Right in how
we expect others to behave.
• By thinking that we are in the Right, we avoid
our responsibility to correct the problem. If we
are right, nothing needs to be fixed, right?
When we are right, we are focused on others
instead of ourselves.
• The Drama Triangle binds us in a codependency trap as we switch across the
different roles of the triangle.
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HOW DOES THE DRAMA TRIANGLE WORK?
All human beings have
different psychological
needs –
desire to grow,
desire to be appreciated,
desire to feel a sense of
belonging,
desire to progress towards
a purpose,
a desire to be cared for,
and a desire to have
flexibility in choices etc.
When any of our core
needs are not met, we
unconsciously take on a
role in the drama triangle
with a desire to manage
the conflict.
We don’t even realize that
there’s a substantial cost
for staying in the triangle
as opposed to recognizing
our roles, & taking
measures to break out of
the patterns.
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A D E E P E R L O O K AT T H E 3
ROLES IN THE DRAMA TRIANGLE
DRAMA TRIANGLE
Anytime we are caught up in Drama, you can bet it’s because we
are running unconscious programs (thoughts). These thoughts
tend to be negative, and get us caught up in problematic
perspectives:
Once you can identify your role in the Drama Triangle, you can
navigate your way out & work your way into the Empowerment
Triangle (Winners Triangle)
VICTIM:
“ T H I S I S H A P P E N I N G TO M E ”
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Person playing a victim role believes they are “at the effect of” a
person or situation. They belief that someone or something else
beyond their control is responsible for their situation which prevents
them from taking responsibility for their own condition and they deny
the power to change their circumstances.
Being a victim is different from being vulnerable. A vulnerable person
does not lose control of their condition. They recognize it and fight
back to get out of that state. They take authority & have the
willingness to take charge of their circumstance. A victim on the other
hand thinks they cannot do anything to influence or change their
circumstances, therefore they rely on others to solve their problems.
The feeling of being victimized by a person or a situation builds an
external dependency beyond their reach.
C O M M O N P H R A S E S V I C T I M S S AY TO
T H E M S E LV E S :
Why does this always happen to me?
“Poor me”
I cannot do anything about it
It’s beyond my control
Its not my fault
I’m just a kid
I have to live with this
I am not responsible for this turnout
I feel helpless
I need someone to help me get out
If only someone cared
P E R S E C U TO R O R V I L L A I N : “ I T ’ S
A L L Y O U R FA U LT ”
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A persecutor or a villain has a tendency to control,
blame and threaten others & lives with a false sense
of superiority. They put on a grandiose act in an
attempt to hide their fear of failure and get defensive
when things do not work out the way they
anticipated.
They seek rescue by pinpointing problems and
directing others as the primary cause of those
problems. The validation of their beliefs come from
seeking a victim (situation or a person) to hold
accountable for their problems and trying to
manipulate them into working their way.
The propensity to blame others for their situation
may cause others to take on a role of a victim feeling
powerless and at the mercy of the persecutor.
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A P E R S E C U TO R U S E S T H E S E C O M M O N
P H R A S E S TO J U S T I F Y T H E I R A C T:
If only you would have done what I
told you to do
I would not be late if you would have
kept your commitments
I did not expect this from you
I should have known better
I should have never trusted you
She did not do her job and now I have
to suffer
HERO OR RESCUER:
“ I N E E D TO S AV E O T H E R S ”
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The hero or rescuer establishes their own sense of well being
through others. They feel good and worthwhile about themselves
by helping others, but in the process neglect their own needs.
The mindset that drives their action is not one of
genuine care for others, but rather a desire to feel good about
themselves by being in the act.
They thrive on victims by validating their perspective and
reconfirming and reaffirming their state of helplessness. As a
result, they promote dependency instead of empowering the
victim to take responsibility for themselves.
The sad part is that while the victim thinks the rescuer will get
them out of their rut, they actually derail them from improving their
situation on their own by constantly providing help.
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HERO OR RESCUER:
“I NEED TO SAVE OTHERS ”
The rescuer does not address the underlying root cause
of the problem and only solves it superficially.
They wait for the issue to occur again to uplift their feel good factor
by getting a chance to rescue
again. A rescuer encourages victim
mindset by using these phrases:
I agree with you
I think so too
Yes, you are right
Let me help you
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OPT OUT OF THE DRAMA TRIANGLE
AND ASSUME RESPONSIBILITY
Our environment and upbringing play a huge role in determining how we
manage conflicts and whether or not we choose to participate in the drama.
Lack of self awareness can prevent us from realizing the cost of staying in
the triangle and how it impacts our well being and happiness.
Self-awareness enables us to stand apart and examine even the way we
“see” ourselves. It affects not only our attitudes and behaviors, but also how
we see other people.
You can take control of your life by following these 3 steps to opt out
from the drama triangle:
WHAT TRIANGLE DO YOU CHOOSE?
Make the shift from the
Drama Triangle to the
Empowerment Triangle
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ACCEPTANCE AND
WILLINGNESS TO CHANGE
The first step in improving anything is to acknowledge it
and take responsibility for actions that have led you to this situation.
Willingness to accept the contribution of your own actions can shift the
mindset to see a different reality – what you see, how you perceive
others,
how you think and how you choose to react.
Now that you understand the different roles of the drama triangle,
demonstrate your willingness to change by saying this out loud:
I AM WILLING TO EXPLORE WHETHER I ADOPT THESE ROLES
I WANT TO LEARN WHEN I FALL INTO THEIR TRAP
I BELIEVE THEY ARE DAMAGING FOR MY HEALTH AND RELATIONSHIPS
I AM COMMITTED TO BRINGING ABOUT A CHANGE FOR MYSELF AND OTHERS
I AM WILLING TO EXPLORE WHETHER I ADOPT THESE ROLES BY BEING SELF
REFLECTIVE.
I WANT TO LEARN WHEN I FALL INTO THEIR TRAP
I BELIEVE THESE ROLES ARE DAMAGING FOR MY HEALTH AND
RELATIONSHIPS
I AM COMMITTED TO BRINGING ABOUT A CHANGE FOR MYSELF AND OTHERS
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L E A R N TO R E C O G N I Z E PAT T E R N S I N
THE DRAMA TRIANGLE
Just by crossing the barrier to be more open,
we can give permission
to our mind to form new connections and
discover new realities.
Think of the last few interactions which left you
with feelings of sadness, anger, confusion,
fear, loneliness, powerless, rage.
Now play out the conversation in your mind
and examine which role from the drama
triangle you played.
How did others engage with you – did they
take on a victim, rescuer, persecutor role as
well?
Set boundaries and consciously
withdraw
It requires questioning every thought or
belief that have gotten us this far in life.
What if those same beliefs and opinions
are now holding us back?
When dealing with a conflict, our natural
tendency is to act on the first thought that
comes to our mind. To consciously
withdraw from acting out of a place from
the drama triangle, locate yourself, argue
against your choice and determine
it’s consequences.
Question your beliefs and ask “what if the
reverse is true?”
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O U T O F V I C T I M R O L E TO C R E ATO R :
F R O M P R O B L E M TO P R O B L E M S O LV I N G
Move from victim attitude “I need help” to one of a creator “I believe in myself and
can take responsibility for my own experience”.
Change your orientation by consciously shifting your mindset from the problem to
the outcome you desire by following these steps:
Write down your goals. Clearly state the results you want to achieve.
Think hard about how you can achieve them yourself without help from others.
Look for your strengths.
Now identify what prevents you from achieving these goals
Remove the roadblocks and take small steps in the direction of your goals.
Remember motivation comes from action, not procrastination.
O U T O F R E S C U E R R O L E TO C O A C H :
F R O M C R E AT I N G D E P E N D E N C Y
TO E N A B L I N G S E L F R E S P O N S I B I L I T Y
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First step to shift from a rescuer role is to accept that your work is not
selfless, it does more harm than good to others and it’s damaging to your
own self.
Now to move from rescuer to coaching mindset believe that people have the
ability to take care of their own problems.
Shift from creating dependency to enabling self responsibility by providing
options to letting them find their own solutions, & from supporting victim
mindset to encouraging a creator.
Act as a coach – listen actively, empower others, encourage them to not give
up and help them learn from mistakes.
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OUT OF PERSECUTOR ROLE TO CHALLENGER:
FROM BLAME TO ASSERTIVENESS
Move from persecutor “blaming others” to a challenger by “being
assertive”. Learn to take responsibility and accountability for
your situation by taking things under your own control and
challenge others to do the same.
When dealing with a conflict, express your thoughts and
opinions without intimidating others, learn the art of
negotiation to create win-win solutions, manage your priorities
and expectations by saying no to activities that do not align with
your goals, give constructive feedback to others and be open to
seek the same feedback to learn how others perceive you.
IN SUMMARY, SET BOUNDARIES FOR YOURSELF,
CONSCIOUSLY WATCH YOUR BEHAVIOR, REFLECT ON
WHICH ROLES YOU ASSUME, & HOW OTHERS
PARTICIPATE IN IT.
HOW DO YOU FEEL AFTERWARDS?
WHAT CAN YOU CHANGE ABOUT YOUR SITUATION?
HOW CAN OTHERS HELP?
THIS FORM OF POWERFUL QUESTIONING AND SELF
REFLECTION CAN SHIFT THE MIND FROM SEEKING
DRAMA TO SELF-AWARENESS WHICH CAN THEN
ENABLE YOU TO MAKE THE SHIFT.
Its all about effective &
healthy
Communication!!
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THANK YOU
DRAMA TRIANGLE: CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Sam Houston Counseling Department
Students, Please drop into our Counseling
Google Meet anytime!
Monday – Fridays (11-noon) & ( 3-4PM)
Code: HOUSTONCOUNSELOR