SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY
CHARACTERS
MISS GENEVA MUSGRAVE, town florist
HONEY RAYE FUTRELLE, second oldest Futrelle sister
GINA JO (G.J.) DUBBERLY WAVERLY, Justin's wife
RHONDA LYNN LAMPLEY, oldest Futrelle, sister
TWINK FUTRELLE, middle Futrelle sister
JUSTIN WAVERLY, interim pastor of The Tabernacle of the Lamb
JOHN CURTIS BUNTNER, Deputy Sheriff
DUB DUBBERLY, Frankie's husband
FRANKIE FUTRELLE DUBBERLY, youngest Futrelle sister
RAYNERD CHISUM, friend of the Futrelles, Dairy Dog employee
INEY DUBBERLY, Dub's elderly aunt
D. DAYVA DAVIDSON, visitor to Fayro
BUCK STRICKLAND, visitor to Fayro
ACT ONE
Scene 1
Lights come up on Miss Geneva Musgrave, 60s, the crusty proprietor of BooKoo BoKay, the only flower
shop in the small town of Fayro, Texas. The phone rings. She answers.
GENEVA. This is BooKoo BoKay, where we're featuring our I-Really-Stepped-In-It-This-Time Begonia
Basket - a perfect way to say "I’m sorry" to that special someone you've recently shafted. How can I help
you? ... Yeah, this is Geneva ... Hey, Willabean, how's things over at First Baptist? ... Your church
treasurer's gettin' out of jail already? You'd think for embezzling the entire Missionary Fund she'd have
served more time ... Well, if y'all really think it's in your best interest to give Marlene her old job back,
how about I whip up one of my special "Oh, Sinner, Come Home" altar bouquets? ... You bet. I'll run it by
Saturday. (Hits another button) This is BooBoo BoKay ... Hey, Tenny, thanks for calling back. I bumped
into Ozella Smoot who told me that you and Ferlin are thinking about closing up Guns for Less. Well, I
urge you to reconsider ... People have been leaving in droves ever since we lost the rendering plant, the
SuperSmart Mart and Clovis Sanford's House of Meat ... Well, I'm struggling, too. I haven't had a decent
funeral in two months. And don’t get me started on this whole "in lieu of flowers" movement. What
hateful stepchild thought that up? ... Well, I am up in arms. Fayro's disappearing before our very eyes!
And you know what really burned my bacon? It was when Sissy Fowler gave up and closed the Squat 'N'
Gobble. Have you heard what she spray painted across the front window as a parting shot? ... "Fayro may
not be the end of the earth, but you sure can see it from here." (Blackout.)
Scene 2
Lights come up as Honey Raye Futrelle, 50s, a sexy, vivacious go-getter enters in a tight, revealing,
flashy dress. Her niece, Gina Jo. "GJ" Dubberly Waverly, 20s, naive and earnest, is slumped face down
on the table.
HONEY RAYE. I need your help, Shug. Ever since my breakup with Wade Porter, I've been going
through an unprecedented dry spell in the romance department. So, I've decided if I want love songs to
continue to be the soundtrack of my life, I should revamp my wardrobe. Now, be honest, does this dress
say, "Some Enchanted Evening" or "Send in the Clowns?" (No response.) G.J.? You okay?
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G.J. (Face down.) Yes ma'am, I'm fine.
HONEY RAYE. Now I'm a pretty fair judge of body language, Gina Jo, and my instincts are telling me
something's wrong with you.
G.J. Well, actually ... Justin and I are having ... a marital issue.
HONEY RAYE. Ahhhh. Well, don't you worry, Sugar Britches, this is your Aunt Honey Raye's area of
expertise. Oh, I know what you're thinking: how could someone with this much sex appeal know anything
about "problems in the bedroom"? Well, truth is, I did have 'em, to some degree, with all five of my
husbands – especially with Lucky Husband Number Four. But to be honest, Bulldog proved to be
problematic in almost every arena.
G.J. Aunt Honey, I may have given you the wrong impressionHONEY RAYE. Now, here's the sure-fire cure for the bedroom blahs. Outline your bed in strings of
colored lights, and make certain they're the blinkin' kind. Then play some real exciting game like The
Inexperienced Intern and The Naughty Night Nurse. Girl, that is one of my all-time favorites G.J. Aunt Honey, I'm talking about money trouble. Justin's got no .1 idea how to handle what little we
have and we need to get it under control.
HONEY RAYE. Gina Jo Dubberly Waverly, listen to me, you do not let a monkey give you a haircut and
you do not let a husband handle your finances. One is just as dangerous as the other.
G.J. Well, we were doing okay 'til I lost my job. Which really surprised me because the Stockmen's
Association had just named me Cow Inseminator of the Year. But I got so carried away inseminating,
trying to live up to my title, Dr. Thompson laid me off from the Large Animal Clinic. He was afraid I was
on the same path to carpal tunnel that took out Loydene Buttram and he couldn't afford the workmen's
compo
HONEY RAYE. Insemination can be a runaway train. Shug, I'm so sorry. I just hate to see your talents go
to waste. Maybe you need to do something to lift your spirits ... hey, like riding with me over to
Sweetgum to the cable access station where I'm making a commercial.
G.J. A real, live TV commercial? That's so excitin'.
HONEY RAYE. I just hope my customers will feel the same. Business has been so bad in Fayro, it's
either give it one last shot or close down Wynette's Dinette City forever. But if this commercial doesn't
work, then your Aunt Honey has no choice. I'm going to have to go huntin'.
G.J. Huntin'? For what?
HONEY RAYE. For Wealthy Husband Number Six! (They laugh.
Blackout.)
Scene 3
Lights come up on Rhonda Lynn Lampley, 50s, a fun-loving ball of fire. She takes an order over a phone
headset.
RHONDA LYNN. Dairy Dog. Rhonda Lynn Lampley speaking. What's it for you, Hon? ... Roger that,
Darlin'. We got two fried fish sandwich specials, order of cheese fries with a side of fried jalapenos. You
know Johnny Ralph, I'm thinking that's an awful lot of fried food for you considering - ... Oh, I didn't
know you'd already had the angioplasty. Well, then, you are good to go. Come on by in fifteen. (Yells
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offstage.) Raynerd, give me a deuce on the swimmers, pile on hot spuds with a mad cow, firecrackers on
the side!
(Twink Futrelle, 40s, determined and practical, enters carrying a small shopping bag.)
TWINK. Hey, Sis, how's business?
RHONDA LYNN. It's been better, Twink. But with a little luck and the right financial planning, I should
be able to retire by the time I'm a hundred and forty-nine.
TWINK. I just stopped by 'cause your makeup order came in. (Holds out the shopping bag, clearly
displaying the ring on her finger.)
RHONDA LYNN. Oh, thank goodness. I want to look extra special for my date Saturday night with (Reaches for the shopping bag.) Wow! Look at that gorgeous ring on your finger! Oh, my
Lord! Is that TWINK. Well, as long as you've noticed I'll tell you ... 'cause I'm about to bust with the news! John Curtis
and I are gettin' married!
RHONDA LYNN. (Squeals and engulfs Twink in a hug.) Twink, that is the best thing I've heard in weeks!
Congratulations! Oh, Little Sister, you're finally going to get to wear that wedding dress you've hung onto
all these years.
TWINK. Yeah, and if there's a prayer in hell of me squeezing into it, you'd better cut me off the chili fries,
pronto.
RHONDA LYNN. You got it. Now, tell me exactly how John Curtis popped the question and don't spare
the details.
TWINK. Well ... actually, he didn't propose. I did.
RHONDA LYNN. (Beat.) Beg pardon?
TWINK. It happened at the Optimist Club's Annual Rattlesnake Roundup. We were out on the Munnerlyn
farm and when John Curtis made his quota, he was so excited and happy; he just leaned over and kissed
me. He handed me his bag of rattlers to carry back to the truck and, I don't know, everything felt just
perfect. So, I dropped that bag of snakes, fell to one knee and asked that man to marry me.
RHONDA LYNN. Oh ... my! Well ... what a wonderful, fresh twist on ... I mean, how romantical. So, did
he um ... get to pick out the ring?
TWINK. Well, of course. When I propose marriage, I do it right. (Holds out her hand.) I gave him two to
choose from. I was so touched he picked this one.
RHONDA LYNN. And you deserve this after suffering through that sixteen-and-a-half year engagement
to Wiley Hicks. And you know what? If you hadn't torched Wiley's NASCAR collectibles and set his
entire mobile home park on fire after he ran off with somebody else, you never would've gone to jail and
you might never have fallen in love. And now, here you are the future Mrs. Deputy Sheriff John Curtis
Buntner.
TWINK. I swear that man's kisses are sweeter than a box of Little Debbies. And you are so right about
destiny. If I hadn't paid my debt to society, I never would've met those other two inmates, LaToya and
Gaynell. They opened my eyes to the vast need for economical beauty products. I am forever indebted to
them for my whole new career as a consultant for Beauty-On-A-Budget Cosmetics.
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RHONDA LYNN. No town has ever needed beauty more than Fayro.
TWINK. I agree. Now, you let me know if you need another one of our Dollar Diva lipsticks. (Starts to
leave, and then recites.) Oh, and "Thanks for buying Beauty-On-A-Budget, where cheap and pretty go
hand-in-hand."
(Exits. Blackout.)
Scene 4
Lights up on Justin Waverly, 20s, nervous and sincere, in his office at The Tabernacle of the Lamb. He sits
at his desk and looks heavenward.
JUSTIN. Hello, Kind Heavenly Father, it's me, Justin Waverly. Sorry to bother you again, but troubles are
spreading like kudzu down here. I've really enjoyed my five years as interim pastor at The Tabernacle of
the Lamb, but the Church Conference is gonna be deciding my future in the next few days. And I don't
know how G.J. and I will pay our bills if I don't get this job as permanent pastor. It's not like I have some
impressive junior college degree to fall back on. So, not to put any undue pressure on you, but could you
send me a miracle ... right now! I'm not looking for a major miracle like raising Elvis from the dead ...
which is not a bad idea, by and wins over the Church Conference. So, could you, maybe, send me a
conflicted soul burdened with some really spectacular sin? Someone I can lift up and reveal the glories of
your - (There's a knock at his door.) Wow! Ask and ye shall receive. Check you later. (Louder.) Come in!
(John Curtis Buntner, 40s, a straight-laced and dedicated deputy sheriff in uniform enters.)
JOHN CURTIS. Hey there, preacher-man. Got a minute?
JUSTIN. Any time, John Curtis. How's the deputy sheriff business?
JOHN CURTIS. Well, a peace officer's work is never done, Brother Justin. The safety of the entire town
rests on my shoulders and it falls to me to be ever-vigilant. This morning I corralled a perp doing some
unauthorized recycling out of the dumpster at the Toot 'N' Tote 'Em. Just doing what I can to keep civil
unrest and anarchy at bay.
JUSTIN. And we all appreciate it. So, what brings you to my office?
JOHN CURTIS. I wanted you to be the first to know my days as a single man are numbered. I'll be
leaving the solitary joys of bachelorhood behind. Yep, I am finally going to make that long and lonely
walk. Twink Futrelle and I are getting married.
JUSTIN. Why, this is wonderful news! So, did you want to set a date, discuss the ceremony, make sure
my schedule's clear ... what, exactly, can I do for you?
JOHN CURTIS. Just one thing ... (Throws himself at Justin's feet, sobbing.) You gotta get me outta this! I
don't want to get married! You gotta help me, Brother Justin. Please, please, please, please, please!
JUSTIN. (Heavenward.) You're really going to make me work for this, aren't you? (Blackout.}
Scene 5
Lights up on Dub Dubberly, late 40s, a beleaguered good-ol'- boy. He sits at a dressing table facing the
audience and rifles through the drawers.
DUB. (Calls.) Frankie, we got any Preparation H?
FRANKIE. (Calls from Offstage.) Top left-hand drawer.
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DUB. (Calls.) Thank you, Puddin'. (Takes a tube from the drawer and checks to make sure he's alone. He
looks into a mirror and puts white ointment under each eye. He admires his work. Frankie Futrelle
Dubberly, late 40s, sensible and down-to-earth, enters with a filled laundry basket.)
FRANKIE. You find it, Dub?
DUB. (Turns away from her.) Absolutely, Sugar Bear. Thanks so much.
FRANKIE. Good. Now, get up and let me put this laundry away.
DUB. (Averts his face.} Tell you what, leave it here and I'll take care of it.
FRANKIE. Right. You've never put laundry away in your life. Now, just get up and I'll do it - (Sees his
face. Beat.) You know, Dub, you might want to reread the instructions on how you're supposed to use that
stuff.
DUB. No, now ... uh, I came up with this idea because ... urn ... I need to change the oil in the Chevy and
it's dark in the garage, so I thought putting white stuff under my eyes would ... draw the light and help me
see. You know, football players put black under their eyes to cut the light and this is kinda the ... opposite
thing.
FRANKIE. (She's not buying it.) Uh-huh. Well, listen, before you start on "the car," you gotta help me get
ready for your Aunt Iney's visit, She'll be here Friday.
DUB. Don't remind me. I've been trying not to think about having to put up with that miserable old
gasbag.
FRANKIE. Dub Dubberly, we are not starting this again. We're her only living relatives, she's old and
lonely and you need to spend time with her.
DUB. I don't wanna. That old woman's mean and she's always hated me. She looked me dead in the eye
and told me I was worthless, wouldn't amount to a hill of collards and I may as well give up before I even
try.
FRANKIE. Iney was probably just trying to motivate you.
DUB. I was two years old!
FRANKIE. Well, none of us like her but she's coming and we're just going to make the best of it. Now, I
need you to check on the twins. They're either making an airplane or a rocket, and I think they're trying to
put the motor from the Snapper in it. You better go out there before they get it airborne.
DUB. Durn it! If it's not one thing it's another with them two. (Starts to leave and calls.) Eddie Mack!
Bobby Frank! I'll have your hides if you boys are foolin' with my good lawn mower! Y'all already burned
our my leaf blower tryin' to round up them squirrels! (Exits')
FRANKIE. (Glances heavenward) Mama Eula, I don't know how much of this you've been watching, bur
I'm wondering if it looks as ridiculous from up there as it does from down here. Dub swears being
unemployed for the last eight months hasn't affected him, but he's been acting so weird, I honestly think
he's starring to lose his grasp on reality. And then there's the twins. Mama, those mischievous five-yearolds are runnin' me ragged. To be honest, half the time I play hide and seek with the boys, I tell 'em to
hide but I do not go seek. I'm beginning to think Dub and I are not going to have to worry about purring
aside money for their college, the more realistic goal will be raising money for their bail. Then there's
Honey Raye, Twink and Rhonda Lynn ... (Sighs.) My sisters are all strugglin' one way or another. Of
course, everybody here's worried sick, wondering how our little town's going to survive. So, Mama, hold
the positive thought for the Futrelles and Dubberlys and for all of Fayro. Remember how you used to say,
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"Pray for sunshine, but always be prepared for rain"? Well, Mama Eula, if things get any worse, pretty
soon we'll all be dog-paddlin' toward Padre Island.
(Blackout')
Scene 6
Lights up on the living room in Frankie and Dub's much lived- in house. The front door is upstage center,
the door to the kitchen is downstage right, a stair landing is upstage left that leads to bedrooms. A dining
table and chairs are upstage right outside the kitchen door. A couch and several occasional chairs are
downstage center and downstage left. Rhonda Lynn and G.J. straighten the room, picking up toys.
G.J. Aunt Rhonda Lynn, you have any idea why Miss Geneva called this meeting tonight?
RHONDA LYNN. No, and I had a date with DeVurl McSpadden to go out for Italian food. When I told
him I had to take a rain check, he was real put out. He didn't Stop whining 'til I promised to go with him
to the Monster Truck Expo over in Valverde. And since I've traded manicotti for mud flaps, this meeting
durn well better be important.
G.J. De Vurl, huh? My, you sure are doing a lot of dating these days.
RHONDA LYNN. Well, I'm not going to sit home explaining Wheel of Fortune to my cat when all these
cute guys are asking me out. I don't know how I suddenly got to be such hot stuff but I say let the good
times roll!
FRANKIE. (Enters from the kitchen') Thanks for helping me, girls. Geneva insisted everyone be here by Hold on. (Beat') Y'all hear that?
RHONDA LYNN. I don't hear anything.
FRANKIE. Exactly. When it's this quiet, it can only mean the twins have done something horrible. (Runs
to front door, opens the screen door, yells into the yard) Eddie Mack! Bobby Frank! For the last time, it's
just an expression! You can't really dig all the way to China. Now, pull the ladder up out of that hole and
fill it in!
RHONDA LYNN. They dug a hole deep enough for a ladder?
G.J. Oh, my little brothers are pretty rambunctious. Daddy blocked the Science Channel after they learned
how to make dynamite and blew the garage door off.
FRANKIE. Trouble with the twins is all Dub needs to push him over the edge.
G.J. I have noticed Daddy acting a little peculiar lately.
FRANKIE. G.J., I hate to tell you this, but your father's in the middle of a full-blown, U.S. Grade-A, midlife crisis.
RHONDA LYNN. What makes you think Dub's having a midlife crisis?
DUB. (Enters from the kitchen wearing a skateboard helmet, sunglasses and baggy shorts, carrying a
long skateboard.) Hey, Dudes! How about we set up a half-pipe in the backyard? Wouldn't that be like,
totally awesome?
FRANKIE. (To Rhonda Lynn.) Call it a hunch.
G.J. Daddy, I didn't know you could ride a skateboard.
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DUB. Well, I can't ... yet. But that's what life's all about, Baby Girl, testing yourself, taking chances. It's
like I always say, if you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space.
FRANKIE. Okay, first, you've never said that before in your life. And second, the number one cause of
skateboard injuries is desperate, middle-aged men trying to recapture their youth.
DUB. And that, Gina Jo, is why your mother will never make it big on the motivational-speaking circuit.
RHONDA LYNN. Dub, maybe you should listen to Frankie. I mean, do you see anyone else walking
around in a bizarre costume with a silly hat on his head? (Raynerd Chisum, 40s, uncomplicated and childlike, enters the front door wearing an ear-flap cap with an arrow shot through the crown, pulling a little
red wagon filled with Dairy Dog take-out bags.}
RAYNERD. I just love Fayro, don't you? You never know what's going to happen. Why, I was just
walking over here admiring the new cracks in the sidewalks when I wound up in the middle of an Indian
attack. Boy howdy! Talk about excitin'!
FRANKIE. Raynerd, Hon', I am so sorry the twins ruined your cap. We'll get you a new one. (Removes
the arrow from his cap.)
RAYNERD. That's okay. It's nice to have a little ventilation up there.
RHONDA LYNN. You closed up the Dairy Dog the way I told you?
RAYNERD. Yes, ma'am. My best friend, Doodle Grizzard, came by and helped me lock all the doors.
And I brought plenty of chicken nuggets and fried pickles for everyone's supper like you asked me to.
G.J. Fried pickles! Justin loves those. I wonder what's keeping him.
RAYNERD. Brother Justin was right behind me when Eddie Mack and Bobby Frank attacked - (Looks
around for Justin.) Where'd he go?
FRANKIE, G.J. and RHONDA LYNN. Uh-ohl (They look at each other, then race for the front door and
exit.)
DUB. Y'all holler if you need some backup!
RAYNERD. You want first dibs on a pickle, Mr. Dub?
DUB. None for me. I'm on a fitness regimen. Yep, an athlete has to keep in shape.
RAYNERD. (Studies him.) What shape are you going for?
DUB. Never mind. Give me one of them pickles. (Dub takes one. Frankie, carrying three arrows, and
Rhonda Lynn, holding a bow and a roll of duct tape, enter the front door.)
RHONDA LYNN. Lucky we got there in time. (GJ escorts Justin in the front door. He's bound with rope,
has duct tape over his mouth and hops into the room.)
G.J. Now, wait here, Justin. I'll go get the scissors and we'll fix you right up. (Exits to the kitchen.)
DUB. I apologize for all this. (Rips tape off Justin's mouth. Justin yelps.) And that.
JUSTIN. No, it's really my fault. When I saw those branches on the ground I should've known it was a
trap. But once I fell into the pit, the twins were on me so fast I couldn't think straight.
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FRANKIE. (Goes to the front door, yells out into the yard.) Eddie Mack! Bobby Frank! There will be no
more trapping friends and family tonight, or I'm calling Santa and telling him we moved!
RAYNERD. There's an obedience school over in Chumley. You might could talk the teacher into taking
them twins of yours ... if you ever get' em paper-trained.
TWINK. (Enters from the kitchen with John Curtis in tow.} I hope y'all don't mind us coming through the
back door, but we heard the twins making war whoops in the front yard and my hair's barely recovered
from the last time they played "Indian Attack." Besides, I didn't want anything to harm my fiance's cute,
little pointed head.
G.J. Oh, Aunt Twink and Uncle John Curtis, I'm so excited for you two!
FRANKIE. We all are. (Pointedly to Dub.) Aren't we, Dude?
DUB. Yeah, John Curtis, you walk down that aisle, your life changes forever. Your time will no longer be
your own and you can kiss your independence goodbye.
JOHN CURTIS. (Laughs neruously.) Yeah, that's what everyone keeps saying - over and over and over
again - to the point where I just might have to shoot somebody in the foot if I hear it one more time. But,
hey, I'm a lucky guy!
RHONDA LYNN. (Crosses to Justin. Low.) Justin, someone from the Church Conference called wanting
to know what kind of interim pastor you've been.
JUSTIN. Oh, no. That means they're really close to making a decision. They must be watching every
move I make!
RHONDA LYNN. Then, Darlin', you better do something big to show the Conference you are a shepherd
in control of your flock. And to that end, being hog-tied by two five-year-olds is probably not the image
you want to project.
JUSTIN. Good point. (Yells as he hops into the kitchen.) G.J.!
GENEVA. (Explodes through the front door.) Okay, people, listen up. I've got big news! Quayda Sue over
at Fab-Unique was doing my hair and told me she spoke to her cousin in Connecticut this morning.
There's a Senora Caliente Salsa factory in New Haven and her cousin overheard the owner say the taxes
there are killing them and they want to relocate the factory to Texas.
JOHN CURTIS. Say, that's something worth checking into.
GENEVA. John Curtis, I'm so far ahead of you, you can't even clock me with your speed gun. I called and
spoke with a gal at the salsa factory and told her why Fayro's the only place for them to consider. She was
very interested and assured me someone at the top would call me back by tomorrow to pursue the subject.
And we all know, bringing jobs back to Fayro's the only way to keep this town from disappearing. .
FRANKIE. Geneva, that's wonderful! Like Mama Eula always said, if you want something done right,
ask a Texan, but if you want it done right now, ask a Texas woman.
DUB. And if you want someone to take exception to that statement, say it to a Texas man.
HONEY RAYE. (Enters the front door.) Hey, everybody! I just had the most unbelievable phone
conversation with an executive at Senora Caliente's Salsa Factory in Connecticut! (G.J. and Justin, still
tied up, reenter from the kitchen.)
GENEVA. Wait a minute. That's the call I've been waiting for. What do you mean you talked to them?
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HONEY RAYE. Well, I went through the back door at BooKoo BoKay to return some silk flowers and
the phone rang so, I answered it. The lady asked if she'd reached the Fayro Chamber of Commerce and I
told her no, but she had reached the President of the Chamber of Commerce. She tells me the factory
owner is very interested in Fayro as a relocation spot GENEVA. They're only interested because I set it all up.
HONEY RAYE. (Dismissive.) Great preliminary work. Thanks. (To the others.) So, I talked them into
sending the owner down here to meet us, so we can sell 'em on Fayro being the ideal spot for their factory.
GENEVA. I can't believe you stole my big news.
HONEY RAYE. Geneva, let's just get past this. Everyone in this room wants to save our town. I mean, is
taking sole credit really that important?
GENEVA. Hell, yes!
G.J. Well, whoever's responsible, it's a terrific idea. This could really bring Fayro back to life.
JOHN CURTIS. So, what's the owner of Senora Caliente like?
HONEY RAYE. Who knows? All I'm sure of is, she's coming down for the Fayro Days festival. Anyway
TWINK. Wait. What "Fayro Days festival"?
HONEY RAYE. Oh, come on. We've got to think big! Nobody's going to relocate to some little town
unless it looks like it's thriving and has lots to offer.
RAYNERD. Yeah, like an Indian attack. What other town has that?
JUSTIN. Okay, then what is this Fayro Days festival, exactly?
HONEY RAYE. just your every day kind of small town celebration. Nothing too elaborate, just, say, a
beauty pageant, petting zoo, rides for the kiddies, salute to Fayro's pioneers, a major Civil War battle
reenactment, craft displays, dunking booth RHONDA LYNN. Hold it! Tell us you didn't promise all those things.
HONEY RAYE. Well, what other option do we have? Our town is dying on the vine and this may be the
one and only chance to save it. None of us wants to leave Fayro. It's taken years for all of us Futrelles to
get together again and live in the same zip code. That means the world to me. If I lose that, what will I
have? I mean, besides my radiant good looks and effervescent personality?
TWINK. (Dryly.) Yeah, at least you'll still have that.
DUB. But we don't have the money to pull off that kind of festival.
JOHN CURTIS. Now, wait. Honey Raye's onto something here. If we use our imaginations, it wouldn't
necessarily have to cost an arm and a leg.
JUSTIN. And we probably could put together a ... small festival in, oh, about four weeks.
HONEY RAYE. Actually, we have to pull it off in four days. She'll be here Saturday. (Everyone reacts
with dismay.)
GENEVA. What?! Now I know you're off your rocker.
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RHONDA LYNN. You're asking the impossible, Honey Raye.
FRANKIE. And not this weekend. Dub's Aunt Iney is coming to visit.
HONEY RAYE. Yes, I heard. And wasn't it decent of you and Dub to invite that poor, old rich woman to
come stay a few days?
FRANKIE. What is it you're implying?
HONEY RAYE. I'm not implying anything. I'm saying right out, it's obvious y'all are buttering up that old
biddy right when she's making out her will, Miss Greedy Puss. FRANKIE. For your information, Iney
called us and said there's something she wants to discuss and invited herself for the weekend. It chills my
blood to think of her being under our roof, bur if what she wants to talk about is money, we'd be fools not
to listen.
DUB. Yeah, I've put up with that nightmare in support hose all my life. Hell, if nothing else, I deserve
combat pay!
GENEVA. Eyes on the prize, people! If there's no Fayro to live in, does any of this really matter?
G.J. Well ... I could probably put together that petting zoo. I know everyone in the county who owns
anything with beaks, tails, hooves and snouts.
RHONDA LYNN. What's left of the Kiwanis is having their big bass rodeo this week. If I can get 'em to
donate what they catch, Raynerd and I could set up a fish fry.
RAYNERD. Yeah. And me and my best friend, Doodle Grizzard, can make an adventure ride for the kids.
We do that kind of thing all the time.
HONEY RAYE. Great! And Justin, you're on publicity. Get everybody who moved away from Fayro to
come back for the festivities.
JUSTIN. And maybe I can get 'em to stick around for my Sunday service.
G.J. Hey, let's see if Tina Jo and Parker can come.
DUB. Yeah, they're usually free weekends after they visit his mama in the mental hospital.
FRANKIE. I guess I could handle the salute to Fayro's pioneers.
TWINK. And I can do the beauty pageant.
HONEY RAYE. Now, that's the spirit! Dub, you and John Curtis are on town cleanup. Get the sofas off
the porches and the refrigerators out of the yards. Geneva, you're on Civil War reenactment. That's the
kind of event that will really draw a crowd.
JOHN CURTIS. Uh, Honey Raye, I'm not so sure there was a battle fought in Texas.
HONEY RAYE. Who cares? If there wasn't, we'll borrow one from another state. Surely Georgia has
plenty to spare. Now, get on it, y' all. When the Senora gets here, she's going to find herself buttdeep in
Southern hospitality! (Rhonda Lynn, Raynerd, Twink, G.j. and John Curtis chatter excitedly as they exit
out the .front door. Still tied up, Justin hops after them and exits.)
GENEVA. (Loudly, while the others exit.) I want y'all to know I'm only going along with this for the
greater good. But don't think I'm happy about how this all went down, because I am not. (For Honey
Raye's benefit.) And mark my words: When Geneva Musgrave ain't happy, ain't nobody happy! (Barrels
out the door.)
10
DUB. You know, Honey Raye, I wouldn't antagonize a woman who has a gun rack in her Buick.
FRANKIE. Wait just a minute. Where is this important guest supposed to stay while she's in town?
There's no motel in Fayro anymore.
HONEY RAYE. Oh, that's not a problem. I told them their V.I.P. will be coddled and pampered in our
world famous, historic Bed and Breakfast.
DUB. Where's that?
HONEY RAYE. You're standing in it. 'Night, y'all' (Exits. Dub and Frankie look at each other in utter
disbelief Blackout')
Scene 7
Lights up on Twink and Rhonda Lynn seated in folding chairs. They wear "Fayro Days" T-shirts. Twink
leafs through a bridal magazine and Rhonda Lynn goes over a list on a notepad.
RHONDA LYNN. I have gotten so much done in the last two days!
TWINK. Me, too. I've decided the theme of my wedding is going to be "Calypso Holiday." I'll walk down
the aisle barefoot with flowers in my hair. Could you die?! And I know for a fact, one of Frankie's
students at the high school plays the steel drum RHONDA LYNN. Twink, Darlin', you know we're all happy for you, but we can't talk about your
wedding right now. You need to put a pin in that until after this weekend.
TWINK. Oh. Why, of course I'll put my happiness on hold. I would hate for my attempt to secure
everlasting love - for once in my life - to interfere in any way with this overblown block party.
RHONDA LYNN. Great! I'm glad you agree!
HONEY RAYE. (Enters in a "Fayro Days" T-shirt, holding a clipboard.) Okay, we've only got forty-eight
hours left to get our Fayro Days festival up and running. I need status reports. Anybody know what's
happening with the petting zoo?
RHONDA LYNN. Oh, I do. So far G.J.'s got a dog, a cat and maybe a mallard. And she found some
Have-A-Heart traps and thinks she can catch a squirrel or two. That's what she's out doing right now.
HONEY RAYE. A dog, a cat, a duck and a squirrel? What kind of petting zoo is that?
RHONDA LYNN. Oh' She's also trying to get Velmalene Ryeherd's emu, but Velmalene hasn't called her
back.
TWINK. Velmalene's emu died three years ago and she had it stuffed.
RHONDA LYNN. True, but it would be a nice addition and G.J. thinks she can just tell the kids the big
bird is asleep.
HONEY RAYE. Well, alright, then! We've got us a petting zoo!
FRANKIE. (Rushes in with a folding chair and sits. She wears a "Fayro Days" Tishirt.) Sorry I'm late,
girls, but I've got good news. We have loads of costumes for the salure to Favro's pioneers and Janeece
Perminter crawled under the stage in the school auditorium and pulled out a set for us ... as long as you
don't mind Fayro looking like the hills of Scotland, because all she could find was scenery from
Brigadoon.
11
HONEY RAYE. Works for me.
FRANKIE. Good,' cause we did run into one problem. I had my class help me do some research in the
library today, and rums out the founding fathers of Fayro were all convicts. The state of Louisiana hauled
them across the border and dumped them here in 1843 when it got too expensive to feed 'em.
TWINK. I don't think dramatizing that tidbit's going to engender as much civic pride as we'd like.
FRANKIE. I couldn't agree more. So I vote we keep our mouths shut and rework the script to focus
primarily on the founding mothers.
HONEY RAYE. The motion is passed. Rhonda Lynn, let's have the food report.
RHONDA LYNN. (Fans herself) Just let me get through this hot flash.
HONEY RAYE. For heaven's sake, you would have to start that. Flashes are just as contagious as yawns!
(Fans herself furiously.)
RHONDA LYNN. Oh, sure. Like I can control these stupid things. (Lifts the bottom of her T-shirt and
fans. Frankie and Twink fan themselves, too.)
HONEY RAYE. Good, Lord, how many more years am I going to have to endure this agony?
FRANKIE. (To Twink.) This is all still new to me. I'm just praying mine don't last as long as Honey
Raye's have.
TWINK. (Kicks off her shoes and fans herfeet.) Forget that. You better pray your moustache doesn't come
in as dark as hers.
RHONDA LYNN. Okay, I'm good now. Let me do this before the chills set in. So, we're set {Q have the
fish fry at The Tabernacle of the Lamb Fellowship Hall. The Kiwanis and the Cub Scouts are pulling bass
out of every lake from here to Amarillo. The sweet Adelines are making cole slaw, potato salad and Pink
Stuff Raynerd and I will handle the kitchen and make the iced tea. /
HONEY RAYE. Where is Raynerd?
RHONDA LYNN. Oh, he said he and Doodle were showing their new friend, Buck Something-Or-Other,
around town,
TWINK. So, Raynerd couldn't come because he and his imaginary friend, Doodle, are out with their new
imaginary friend, Buck? Now there's an excuse only Raynerd could come up with.
RHONDA LYNN. It's okay. Raynerd's been working real hard putting together the kiddie ride out back of
the Dairy Dog. I got Wade Porter to lend us his old golf cart and Raynerd hitched up some grocery cans
behind it. We'll decorate it real cute like a hoot owl and Raynerd can pull the kids in a loop around the
petting zoo.
HONEY RAYE. Isn't that interesting? You talked my ex-boyfriend, Wade Porter, not only into lending
you his golf cart but also into taking you dancing at the Purple Parrot, too.
RHONDA LYNN. You heard about that? Well, a girl's gotta live. And thanks for throwing Wade back into
the dating pool. The man's a dancing machine.
HONEY RAYE. You know, it might be more sisterly if you don't make a habit of rootin' through my old
boyfriends to find your dates.
12
RHONDA LYNN. Honey Raye, you've gotten real cranky since you hit this dry spell. So, why don't you
stop taking it out on me and learn how to crochet or something?
FRANKIE. Much as I'm enjoying this, I have to get ready for Dub's Aunt Iney to arrive tomorrow, So, are
we done here?
HONEY RAYE. Almost. I just need the beauty pageant report. Now, Twink, how many contestants do we
have for Ms. Fayro Days?
TWINK. So far Joveeta Crumpler's the only entrant.
HONEY RAYE. Joveeta Crumpler? Joveeta Crumpler?!
RHONDA LYNN. Oh, Lord. Not this again. HONEY RAYE. That jezebel humiliated me at the poultry
festival when I was in third grade! She stole the title of Little Miss Chicken Legs right out from under
me!
FRANKIE. Honey Raye, that was a million years ago and you never proved it. It's way past time to let it
go.
HONEY RAYE. I will never let that go! Joveeta was so jealous she stole the taps off my shoes so I
couldn't perform my dance routine to Miss Connie Francis' "Where the Boys Axe." I know because I
found one of my taps a month later in Joveeta’s retainer case. But nobody believed a heart-broken, little
eight-year-old, did they? Did they?
TWINK. For heaven's sake, Honey Raye, give it up. You can't hold onto a grudge your whole life. What
kind of bitter, miserable person does that? (Iney Dubberly, a surly octogenarian, enters.)
INEY. Frankie Dubberly!
FRANKIE. Aunt Iney! Urn ... Good morning.
INEY. Prove it. There was nobody at that filthy hovel of yours and I've had to look all over town for you.
Haven't you even got the manners God gave a goat? You're supposed to be home when company comes.
FRANKIE. I ... uh ... I didn't expect you until tomorrow.
INEY. Believe me, I only wish I'd waited. Oh, look. All the Futrelle sisters are here. And you're still the
same four frumps you were the last time I visited. Okay, Frankie, I guess there's no avoiding him. Where
is that worthless nephew of mine?
FRANKIE. Dub's ... out at the Killebrew place right now.
INEY. Probably drunk on his butt. Well, if that deadbeat husband of yours thinks I've forgotten about the
five dollars I gave him when he was seventeen, he's got another think coming. Graduation gift, my foot! It
was a loan and it's payback time, Baby! And you, Missy, you'd better waddle on home and clean up that
dump if you expect me to stay there tonight. (Exits)
HONEY RAYE. Wow! She is one scary piece of work.
TWINK. You can say that again. The hairs on the back of my legs are all standing up.
RHONDA LYNN. Frankie, Darlin', that woman's even more of a witch since the last time she rode her
broomstick into town. I've only got one thing to say.
FRANKIE. What's that?
13
RHONDA LYNN. I'm so glad she's not staying with me! Woowoo! (She slaps high-fives with Honey
Raye and Twink. Blackout.)
Scene 8
Lights up on John Curtis. Clearly exhausted, he squints into the distance and waves a small red flag. Dub
then enters wearing tennis whites, a sweatband around his head. He carries a small green flag.
JOHN CURTIS. What are you doing here? You're supposed to be clean across the pasture.
DUB. Look, I am sick and tired of stepping in cow pies and tripping on gopher holes just so Geneva can
mark off this battlefield. And wasting a whole day tromping behind a bossy old lady who's toting a loaded
rifle is not my idea of a good time.
JOHN CURTIS. We're going to catch hell if Geneva finds you up here. And that's the last thing I need,
what with the Yankee gal comin' and Twink pushing me so hard to get married.
DUB. You've just got cold feet, that's all.
JOHN CURTIS. I've always been a lone wolf, a solo lobo. I love Twink, but what I'm facin' is a life that's
no longer mine - no privacy. no time to call my own, always having to do what someone else wants me to
do. I tell you, it chills me to the core.
DUB. Welcome to marital bliss.
JOHN CURTIS. Get down! Geneva's looking! (Dub foils to the ground as john Curtis waves his flag.
Then he signals Dub to get up.)
DUB. (Rises with difficulty and holds his back.) It's nothing but ridiculous, us trying to stage a Civil War
battle reenactment, especially since we don't have any idea what we're doing. But what makes even less
sense is, because there never was a Civil War battle fought anywhere near Fayro, Geneva decided to
borrow one of the biggest ones in the whole darn war which, I might point out, we lost!
JOHN CURTIS. Well, Geneva's not one to be handicapped by history. She told me they may have lost the
Battle of Vicksburg in Mississippi, but we're gonna win it in Texas!
DUB. And if that wasn't nutty enough, there were a hundred thousand soldiers in that battle and all we've
got is fifteen reenactors. And that number could change in a heartbeat if Tiny Brewster's gun flares up. I'm
whupped just thinking about the effort it's going to take to pull this off.
JOHN CURTIS. You got my sympathy, Dub. These long hours are rough on me, but I can only imagine
how hard it is on a guy your age.
DUB. A guy my ... age?! I'll have you know I'm barely in my prime. Yes, sired I've got my health, my
good looks and my whole life ahead of me.
JOHN CURTIS. I don't know who you think you're foolin'. Guys your age are not exactly spring
chickens. I mean, just look at poor old Boog Hargis. That was some rough news, wasn't it? Gone ... just
like that.
DUB. What?! You're not saying Boog is dead?!
JOHN CURTIS. Well ... yeah. You didn't hear? He pulled that eighteen wheeler into Granny Bert's
Chicken Shack, then two bites into his sausage biscuit, boom! He never even got to touch his bear claw.
DUB. For cryin' out loud, Boog was a whole grade behind me in school. Oh, my God! I could drop dead
in the blink of an eye.
14
JOHN CURTIS. (Looks into the distance.) Which could happen sooner than you think - we've been
spotted! There's one irate rebel general headed our way.
DUB. Holy cow! What do we do now?
JOHN CURTIS. What any sane man would do when an angry woman's comin' at him with a loaded gun.
Run! (They scatter.
Blackout.)
Scene 9
Lights up on the Dubberly living room. Frankie and Rhonda Lynn hurriedly hide clutter.
RHONDA LYNN. Can we really pull off this festival by tomorrow?
FRANKIE. I don't know, but I'm so stressed, I could make a chocolate pie right now and eat the whole
thing myself.
INEY. (Sticks her head out the kitchen door.) You have any silverware that isn't covered with nasty little
fingerprints from your E. coli twins?
FRANKIE. I'll get it for you, Aunt Iney.
INEY. Do that. And while you're at it, knock the crust off one of those filthy plates for me, too. (Iney
exits.)
FRANKIE. (Mutters.) Oh, I'm gonna knock sornethin' off somethin', alright. (Exits into the kitchen as
Raynerd enters the front door.)
RAYNERD. I just love Fayro. I haven't seen this many people running around downtown since the time a
Christmas float jumped the curb and took on that psychic lady.
RHONDA LYNN. Well, maybe we'll luck out and get through Fayro Days without a fatality. Listen,
Raynerd, I've got too much to do, so you've got to go wait in front of the old Squat 'N' Gobble. Honey
Raye told the salsa factory people we'd have someone there to meet the owner.
RAYNERD. I just hope she's as much fun as my new friend, Buck, is. He just loves Fayro.
RHONDA LYNN. We'll find out soon enough. Just bring Senora Caliente straight here, okay?
RAYNERD. Okay. Will she be wearing a big sombrero?
RHONDA LYNN. Probably not. Just watch for someone who looks successful. That'll make her easy ro
spot in this town.
RAYNERD. (lney enters from the kitchen and crosses in front of Raynerd.) Hey, Miz Iney. When me and
my best friend, Doodle Grizzard, bring that salsa lady here, we'll take you for a test ride on the Hoot Owl
Express. (Exits out the front door.) .
INEY. If idiots grew on trees, this place would be an orchard. (Exits up the Stairs.)
JUSTIN. (Enters the front door.) You've got to help me, Rhonda Lynn. I'm desperate!
RHONDA LYNN. Most men are, Darlin'. What's wrong?
15
JUSTIN. (Frantic.) I took your advice. I decided to do something big to impress the Church Conference.
So, when LaDonna Tompkins' mama called in tears, saying LaDonna's been spending all her time
gambling in the casino just over the state line, I knew LaDonna's sin and shame was my ticket to being
named permanent pastor! But when I got there to save her, something went wrong. See, I'd never been in
a casino before and it was so exciting with the lights and bells and I got kinda dizzy ... and a lady in a real
short skirt handed me a cool drink for free and it kinda went to my head and ... I don't know exactly how
it happened, but I couldn't find LaDonna and this nice fella offered me a seat at a table and ... I sort of lost
our car playing blackjack.
RHONDA LYNN. Oh, no! You didn't!
JUSTIN. Yes, I did! I really did! I had to hitchhike home. I don't know how I'm going to keep G.J. from
finding out.
G.J. (Calls angrily from Offitage.} Justin Waverly!!!
RHONDA LYNN. Sounds like she already knows. I'll just give you two a little privacy. (Quickly exits up
the Stairs, as G.J. enters the front door.)
G.J. I just ran into LaDonna Tompkin's mama! How could you?
JUSTIN. Hello there, Angel Face. And don't you look pretty in thatG.J. Save it, Gambler! What were you thinking? Did it occur to you that since we're in such bad financial
shape, losing our car at a craps table just might make things a teensy bit worse?
JUSTIN. Uh ... actually it was blackjack.
G.J. That doesn't matter! Our car is gone! And I'd just vacuumed it! And if the Church Conference finds
out you lost it gambling, you won't get the pastor's job. And if neither one of us has a job, guess what?
We'll have to leave Fayro. Well, I don't want to leave Fayro. Did you think about that?' (Storms out the
front door as Dub enters from the stairs, dressed in a running suit and a rebel cap with a fake ponytail
attached.)
JUSTIN. Dub, I really messed up. How can I fix it?
DUB. If you're up against a woman, you're sunk already, Buddy Boy.
JUSTIN. Baby Doll! Sugar Dumplin'! Wait! (Races out the front door.)
DUB. (Stands at a small mirror on the waif. Pulls his face, mimicking a face lift.} Yeah. That's more like
it. You're not old, you're young. You still got it, Tiger.
INEY. (Enters and watches Dub from the stair landing.) What're you doing there, Genius? Taking a long,
hard look at failure? (Comes down the stairs as Frankie enters from the kitchen.)
DUB. Know what? I've just about had a bellyful, you wrinkled, oldFRANKIE. Dub! Didn't you want to tell Iney what a pretty dress she's wearing?
DUB. (With extreme difficulty.) Yes that was right on the tip of my tongue. Aunt Iney, we're just so glad ...
to have you here in our home.
INEY. Home?! Looks more like a hog shed with a lid and two doors on it to me. (As she exits to the
kitchen, Dub lunges for her. Frankie stops him.)
16
FRANKIE. Dub, we agreed to do this. If it turns out Iney is here to talk about an inheritance, why upset
her? It could end up meaning the world to our kids.
DUB. I know, but didn't you hear what she said to me? Did you want me to just stand there like a
whipped dog? Who do you think I am?
FRANKIE. (Notices the ponytail.) Lately I'm not so sure. But I would like to know what happened to the
horse you got this from.
DUB. It's just a new look I'm trying out, if it's okay with you.
FRANKIE. Well, it's not! It's stupid and I won't have our mystery guest come in here and see you looking
like some youth-obsessed nut bucket.
DUB. You're just jealous 'cause my hair's prettier than yours.
JOHN CURTIS. (Enters the front door. He can barely drag himself to the couch.} Can anyone tell me
what day this is?
FRANKIE. It's Friday, John Curtis, and you look awful.
JOHN CURTIS. Geneva's had me working night and day getting this reenactment ready. I don't think I've
slept since Tuesday. (Low.) Is there a big spider following me?
FRANKIE. You poor thing. Let me get you a cup of coffee. (Exits into the kitchen.)
DUB. You might've overdone it, John Curtis. You're pale as a tub of lard.
JOHN CURTIS. Well, I realized the only way we can represent a hundred thousand soldiers is by painting
faces on balloons and placing them strategically around the battlefield. I was up all night calculating the
ratio of Confederate to Union balloons. And I'm sorry to report our side suffered some premature
casualties while I figured out how much helium to use.
DUB. Well, at least you're finished. You can rest awhile.
GENEVA. (Enters the front door carrying two stick horses.} Ten-Hut!
JOHN CURTIS. (Jumps up and salutes.) Private Buntner reporting for duty, Sir ... Ma'am ... General
Geneva!
DUB. Oh, for Pete's sake.
GENEVA. Private Buntner, you missed parade drill on the battlefield at fourteen hundred hours. And
since our horses won't be available to us until after the 4-H competition tomorrow morning, I
commandeered these from those two little monsters out front and you and I are going outside to drill,
drill, drill!
JOHN CURTIS. Yes, Sir ... Ma'am ... General Geneva! (Takes a stick horse and hustles out the front
door.)
GENEVA. (Eyes Dub.) You're not fit for this man's Army. And don't report back to my unit until you get
that hair cut, soldier! (Exits out the front door.)
DUB. (Calls after Geneva.) This is one Rebel soldier you don't get to order around. And not only am I not
going to cut my hair, I might just braid it! (Storms up the Stairs and exits as Frankie enters from the
kitchen.)
17
FRANKIE. John Curtis, do you want half and half in your - Guess not.
RHONDA LYNN. (Enters from the Stairs.) Well, we can forget about the fish fry. Valonda Pender called
and some lame-brain left the door to the Fellowship Hall open and every feral cat in McTwayne Counry
followed the scent and enjoyed a sushi buffet. . So, looks like we're having a corn dog fry instead.
HONEY RAYE. (Rushes in front door.) Rhonda Lynn, I need a word with you!
FRANKIE. That'll have to wait until I'm done with you, Honey
Raye. It's unbelievable that with all we have to do to get ready for tomorrow - as a direct result of you
getting us into this, I might add - you'd be so self-centered as to decide to compete in the stupid beauty
pageant.
HONEY RAVE. (Laying on false sincerity.) There have to be at least two contestants. I've taken this
action only to ensure that we have a pageant. It's for Fayro, Frankie. I'm only trying to pull my weight.
FRANKIE. Bull-hockey! You're trying to even an old score.
HONEY RAVE. (Snarls.) So what if I am? It's the perfect way to get my revenge on Joveeta Crumpler.
It'll just be me and her. When the dust settles, I'll be Ms. Fayro Days and Joveeta will finally know the
bitter taste of defeat.
FRANKIE. That's so small of you, Honey Raye.
HONEY RAYE. I don't care! It's not like things have been going my way lately. I could use a victory right
now. No, I need a victory. My business is in the toilet, I haven't had a date in weeks and my hair's so dry,
it may spontaneously combust. So, if snatching that crown is the only triumph in sight, I'm grabbing it
with both hands.
RHONDA LYNN. We're warning you, Honey Raye, you'd better not expect us to pick up your slack.
HONEY RAVE. Well, as long as we're issuing ultimatums, I've got one for you, Rhonda Lynn. A little
bird told me you were seen out ,I with Wesley Swink and that's the fifth time this month you've been out
with one of my ex-boyfriends. It's high time you quit datin' my discards, Sister Dear, because I haven't
fully decided whether or not I'm through with them yet.
RHONDA LYNN. That's your problem, not mine. Those men you dumped want to go out with me and
that's exactly what 1 intend to do.
TWINK. (Enters the front door.) Hello, my wonderful family. Anyone want to hear my fantastic idea for
another exciting event for Fayro Days?
FRANKIE, HONEY RAYE and RHONDA LYNN. No!
TWINK. Okay, twist my arm. Here it is: Everyone said I have to put off planning my wedding until after
Fayro Days, but since everybody's going to be in town for the festival anyway, I decided why wait? It's
the perfect time for the ceremony. So, by this time tomorrow I'll be Mrs. John Curtis Buntner!
DUB. (Enters from the stairs, still wearing his ponytail cap.) Uh ... does Mr. John Curtis Buntner know
about this?
TWINK. No, I haven't told him yet, but he is going to be so surprised!
DUB. I think he'll be more than surprised. How good are you at CPR? (lney enters from the kitchen.)
TWINK. Did you hear that, Iney? Tomorrow's my wedding day!
18
INEY. Hey, if you think you can pull off this miracle, you better do it fast. 'Cause for a big, old homely
girl like you, it's obviously your last chance.
TWINK. What?! You are the most insensitive FRANKIE. Now, Twink, let's not blurt out something we might regret.
DUB. No, let her speak. I think it'd be good for Aunt Iney to hear it.
FRANKIE. And I think it would be good for you to stay out of this and ... (Snatches the ponytail cap from
his bead.) take this stupid thing off.
DUB. Give that back! (They begin a tug of war as G.J. and Justin enter the front door.)
G.J. This couldn't be happening at a worse time! What about trust? What about open communication?
What about asking how to play the game before you bet the car?!
JUSTIN. I thought I had the hang of it right up 'til they asked me for the pink slip.
HONEY RAYE. Rhonda Lynn, maybe you should head over to that casino. There's got to be a few guys
over there J haven't dated you could hit on.
RHONDA LYNN. I'm not going to take much more from you ... Oh, no ... (Unbuttons her over-shirt and
fans.) Here comes another one.
HONEY RAYE. (Wipes her brow.) Well, I hope you're happy, you've got me f1ashin' again. (Takes off her
jacket and fons.)
INEY. (Studies Twink.) You know, it might be smart to stress that "for better or for worse" part of the
vows, considering your appearance and all.
TWINK. Alright, Iney, that is it! The gloves are coming off.
INEY. Bad idea, what with those big, ugly man-hands of yours. (During the following, the dialogue is fast
and furious and almost overlaps. When others speak, characters' ongoing arguments are mimed. Frankie
and Dub's tug of war continues. Honey Raye and Rhonda Lynn remove various pieces of clothing as their
hot flashes intensify.)
FRANKIE. (To Dub.) You're not wearing this tomorrow and embarrassing me in front of the entire townRHONDA LYNN. (To Honey Raye.) Dating a man first doesn't give you lifetime dibs on him JUSTIN. (To G.J.) Hey! Now we can start riding bikes. Just think how much that'll increase our lung
capacity INEY. (To Twink.) If you people were any dumber, you'd have to be watered twice a week. (Unnoticed,
Raynerd enters the front door with D. Dayva Davidson, 50s, well-dressed, who is appalled by the
mayhem.)
DUB. (Tugs at the hat.) Darn it Frankie, get off my back! I could drop dead at any minute, you know G.J. (To Justin') Now I'm wondering if you've been making bets on how many people will show up for
Sunday School HONEY RAYE. (To Rhonda Lynn.) Sure you love dating them. I've taught' em everything they know TWINK. (To lney.) You're not spoiling my big day, you sour-dy old crank.
19
RAYNERD. (Cheerfully to Ms. Davidson.) Well, here you go, Ma'am. Welcome to Fayro. (Geneva and
John Curtis enter the front door, both riding stick horses. Geneva continues the drill oblivious to the
others.)
GENEVA. Cut to your right, Private Buntner, then to your leftFRANKIE. (To Dub.) You're the most pig-headed man I've ever known GENEVA. That's it. Circle around. Smarten that trot, Private - (They circle Raynerd and Ms. Dauidson.)
RHONDA LYNN. Just remember this, Honey Raye, the early bird may get the worm, but it's the second
mouse that gets the cheese GENEVA. (To John Curtis.) Straighten it out and CHARGE! (They exit into the kitchen at a gallop.)
RAYNERD. (Happily.) I just love Fayro. (To an alarmed Ms. Davidson.) And I know you will, too. (The
arguments escalate around them as the cacophony grows. Curtain.)
End of Act One
ACT TWO
Scene 1
Lights up on hankie. She sits at her dressing table in her robe and glances heavenward.
FRANKIE. Mama Eula, I bet you're up there thinking we're act- . ing like a herd of cows that have grazed
too long on the loco weed. When Raynerd brought that salsa lady in here last night and she caught all of
us fighting like country trash, I like to have died. If Geneva hadn't thought fast and said we were
rehearsing our Community Theatre production of Twelve Angry Men, that Ms. Davidson might've left
town right then and there. And truth is, I'm at the end of my rope what with Iney's visit, Twink's obsession
with marriage - and don't even get me started on Dub. The way he's behaving, it wouldn't surprise me if
he decided to run away and join the circus, At this point, I'd almost be willing to pack him a lunch and
wave goodbye from the porch. (Sighs.) But first things first. We have to convince Ms. D. Dayva Davidson
to move her salsa factory to Fayro. So ... if You- Know-Who's in a good mood, could you maybe nudge
Him into smiling down on us today?
INEY. (Enters and crosses.) Still whining to your mama, huh? You're lucky she's not here to be shamed
by you and your whole tribe of knuckle-draggers. (Exits.)
FRANKIE. (Heavenward.) And it'd be fine with me if He'd start by "delivering us from evil." (Blackout.)
Scene 2
Lights up on the Dubberly living room. Decorative touches have been made in an attempt to change the
room's appearance to look more like a Bed and Breakfast. Rhonda Lynn, enters from the kitchen in a Civil
War nurse costume. She hums a lively rendition of "The Yellow Rose of Texas" and sets a platter of ham
on the table. Dub enters from the stairs in a Confederate soldier's uniform, cap and ponytail.
RHONDA LYNN. Mornin'! Beautiful day for savin' a small town in Texas, isn't it?
DUB. We can only hope. What on earth are you supposed to be?
RHONDA LYNN. A battlefield nurse. What are you supposed to be?
DUB. Well, what do I look like?
20
RHONDA LYNN. A homely Rebel gal without a lick of fashion sense. 'Course, Darlin', I'm so tired, I
could be hallucinating.
DUB. Look, everybody's nerves are shot, so what we've got to do is just get through Fayro Days without
hurting each other's feelings ... like you just did mine.
RHONDA LYNN. Sorry. Guess we're all near the end of our ropes. And here we are trying to convince
Ms. Davidson this is a real Band B.
DUB. Yeah, dolled up like rejects from Gone with the Wind. I couldn't feel a bit sillier than I do dressed
like this.
G.J. (Enters the front door dressed in a ridiculous homemade cow costume. She's depressed.) Hey, y' all.
DUB. (To Rhonda Lynn.) Okay, I was wrong. (To G.J.) Mornin,' Baby Girl. (Exits into the kitchen.)
RHONDA LYNN. Why, Darlin', I thought you were running the petting zoo today.
G.J. Not only am I running it, I'm in it. I never did catch a squirrel and that duck was so hateful, he bit me
every time I tried to pick him up. So, all J was left with was a dog, a cat and a big, ol stuffed emu. I
decided to dress up like a cow just so we'd have at least one farm animal for the kids to pet.
RHONDA LYNN. Well, for such a cute little bovine, you certainly don't seem too happy. Darlin', the only
thing worse than a mad cow is a sad cow.
G.J. Oh, I just feel terrible. I came down so hard on Justin for losing the car that it crushed his spirit.
RHONDA LYNN. You know, I made a similar mistake with my first boyfriend. Verner Wayne took me to
the country fair and swore he'd win me the prize pink panda. After he'd tossed about a hundred balls
trying to knock the milk bottles over, a crowd formed and started hecklin' him. So, I grabbed the last ball
out of his hand and told Verner Wayne no stuffed animal was worth this aggravation. I tossed that ball
over my shoulder and knocked down all the bottles without even trying. Well, the crowd went wild and
Verner Wayne never got over that public humiliation, mostly 'cause I let them carry me and that big, pink
panda around the fairgrounds on their shoulders, chanting my name. See what I mean?
G.J. Not really, but it doesn't matter. Your stories are always so colorful.
RHONDA LYNN. My point is, spirit-crushing is one of the worst things you can do to a man. Darlin',
you're going to have to find a way to let Justin know you haven't lost faith in him. Now think real hard.
There's bound to be something you can do that will help rebuild his confidence.
G.J. (An idea hits her.) I've got it! Listen, can I borrow your car?
RHONDA LYNN. Anything to help young love stay on track! The keys are above the visor. Now, go! Go!
G.J. Thank you, Aunt Rhonda Lynn! (Runs to the front door.)
RHONDA LYNN. Wait! There's a package in the backseat Honey Raye needs before the pageant, so
could you drop that off to her first?
G.J. Sure thing! Oh, and get Ozella Smoot to go ahead and open the petting zoo. The moo-cow will be
there by noon! (Exits')
FRANKIE. (Enters from the stairs in full pioneer woman costume with bonnet') If you want my opinion,
it's a miracle the pioneers managed to populate the frontier. Look at me! This get-up completely obscures
any sex appeal at all. What kind of simple-minded man would be attracted to a woman wearing clothes
like this?
21
DUB. (Enters from the kitchen with a fruit jar, sees Frankie and is totally smitten.) Ooh, Babe. Lookin'
good! (Frankie throws up her arms in disbelief She crosses downstage to Rhonda Lynn.)
]USTIN. (Enters from the kitchen, a sleeping bag wrapped around his shoulders.) Uh ... I smelled that
ham all the way out in the back yard. I sure am hungry.
RHONDA LYNN. Good Lord, Justin, what rock did you crawl out from under?
]USTIN. I spent the night in the twins' treehouse. Did you know there's a whole family of possums living
up there? And not a one of 'em was too keen on sharing their space.
FRANKIE. Not to pry into your personal business, but why didn't you sleep in your own bed?
JUSTIN. That would've been my first choice, because if the Church Conference finds out I'm fighting
with my wife, I won't have a prayer of keeping my congregation. But G.J. was just so mad at me for
gambling away the car, I figured it might be in my best interest to stay away from her. You know, give her
time to cool off.
DUB. (Pulls Justin aside to speak privately.) Well, that is the most pathetic thing I've ever heard. What
kind of husband are you? You go crawlin' out of the house every time you've upset your wife, she'll start
thinkin' she's got the upper hand. Now, looka here, your job is to stand up and tell your wife how it's
going to be. Period. If she doesn't like it, tough. You've just got to learn how to handle her.
JUSTIN. Is that how you handle Frankie?
DUB. You kiddin'? If! talked like that to Frankie, she'd kick my butt from here to Corsicana. But I keep
hop in' some guy will have the guts to try standin' up to a woman so I can see if that really works.
JUSTIN. I don't know, Dub. I've got a different plan. See, I think I'll just avoid G.J. as much as possible
but when I run into her, I'll fall to my knees and beg her forgiveness all over again.
DUB. Yeah, that's always worked for me. Now tuck your tail between your legs and get on home!
(Pushes Justin through the kitchen door.)
FRANKIE. (Crosses to the table.) Rhonda Lynn, I've never seen so much food.
RHONDA LYNN. (Follows.) Darlin', this is a Southern breakfast. We're required to show em. Can't have
folks thinkin' we're scrimpin'.
DUB. And here's my famous, homemade strawberry glaze. Rhonda Lynn put it on the ham and I brought
out another jar for when Ms. Davidson asks for more.
FRANKIE. Shh! Hear that? It's her. She's coming down for breakfast. Oh, and Honey Raye wanted me to
remind y'all not to refer to Ms. Davidson as "Senora Caliente" or to ask about her plans for the salsa
factory. We just want her to have a good time today and fall in love with Fayro.
DUB. Right. We'll treat her like we would any other guest in our home.
RHONDA LYNN. It's not your home, remember? It's a Band B.
FRANKIE. Okay, here she comes. Everyone act normal. (Everyone strikes supremely unnatural poses.)
INEY. (Enters from the Stairs') It's hotter than hell in this firetrap. And that cheap mattress felt like a sack
full of corncobs. It's a miracle I'm not paralyzed from the neck down. I've been lip there in that filthy
pigeonhole for two hours waiting for my breakfast tray, Frankie. What's the hold up? You yahoos having a
fashion show for freaks?
22
FRANKIE. Uh ... well, have a seat and I'll go get your coffee right now, Aunt Iney. (exits to the kitchen.)
DUB. And I'll help. (Exits to the kitchen.)
RHONDA LYNN. (Nervously.) Okay, but y'all hurry back ... and I really mean it!
INEY. (Sits at the table.) And why are you just standing there? Go do something about that stench coming
from the kitchen.
RHONDA LYNN. Why, I wouldn't call it a stench, Iney,
INEY. I would. What are you doing out there, frying up road kill?
RHONDA LYNN. Now, hold on a minute. I've worked really hard making a very nice breakfast. I think
maybe somebody got lip on the wrong side of the bed this morning.
INEY. If I'd known I was going to have to face this swill, I wouldn't have bothered.
RAYNERD. (Enters the front door wearing a Union soldier uniform and his ear-flap cap.) I just love
Fayro. There's gotta be at least a hundred people downtown for the festival already. And look at me!
Nobody wanted to be a Union soldier so I said I would – mostly 'cause blue's my best color.
INEY. (To Rhonda Lynn.) Not him again. I swear if you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get
change.
RHONDA LYNN. That does it, Iney! You cannot talk like that to Raynerd or to any of us, for that matter!
In fact, we're nor taking any more of your spiteful attitude. Every time you come to town you act like this
and it's just wrong. I mean, everyone's real sorry your fiancé left you at the altar a hundred and fifty years
ago, but I've got a news flash for you - you're not the only one who's suffered a disappointment. Most
normal people just pick up the pieces and go on, but not you! You've spent decades bearing that grudge,
keeping your pain alive. When someone's nice to you, like Frankie and Dub, you try to make them as
miserable as you are. Know what that's turned you into? A rotten, old pruned-up turkey buzzard! (lney
Looks at Rhonda Lynn, shocked. Then her head flops forward She's very still.) Yeah! You should hang
your head. Not so great getting a dose of your own medicine, is it? (Beat. She taps Iney’s shoulder.) Iney?
(Iney falls face forward onto the table.) Iney?! (Leans down and Listens for a heartbeat.) Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! What have I done?!
RAYNERD. Looks to me like you done killed that hateful old woman.
RHONDA LYNN. Oh, my God! I called Iney a turkey buzzard and it killed her! What am I going to do?
RAYNERD. Maybe Miz G.J. could put her in the pectin' zoo next to the emu.
FRANKIE. (Runs in from the kitchen.) What's going on - (Sees lney.) What's wrong with her?
RAYNERD. Miz Rhonda Lynn killed her.
RHONDA LYNN. I didn't mean to! I swear!
DUB. (Races in from the kitchen and sees lney.) Uh-oh. What happened?
RAYNERD. Miz Rhonda Lynn killed her.
RHONDA LYNN. Will you stop saying that?! (To Dub and Frankie.) I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I couldn't
take it anymore, so I told her off and she just keeled over!
DUB. (Beat') Rhonda Lynn, you've just given me my Christmas present for the rest of my life!
23
FRANKIE. Dub!
DUB. I won't be a hypocrite about it. I never liked her!
FRANKIE. Well, this is just great! Iney's dead and we never found out what she wanted to talk to us
about! All the trouble we've gone to and Iney just up and dies and takes her secret to the grave.
RAYNERD. She'll probably end up hauntin' your house, too.
RHONDA LYNN. I think you're all missing the point here! I just killed Aunt Iney and, oh, my God! I'm
going to jail for life!
FRANKIE. Rhonda Lynn, get a hold of yourself. Right now we've got to think of a way to explain this to
Ms. Davidson.
DUB. Oh, no we don't. (Grabs a throw from the couch and drapes it over Iney’s body.)
RHONDA LYNN. What're you doing?!
D'OB. (Drags Iney - in her chair - to a corner.) Old Bitter Britches here would like nothing more than to
ruin our plans and I am not giving her that satisfaction. She's going to have to sit right here while we feed
Ms. Davidson her breakfast and get her out the door to the festival. (Places a potted plant in Iney's lap.)
We'll just pretend she's a plant stand.
RHONDA LYNN. I can't deal with this! I'm not going to be able toMS. DAVIDSON. (Enters from the stairs.) Good morning! (Startled, everyone wheels around to face her
with cheesy grins.}
FRANKIE. Ms. Davidson! Uh ... hope you had a good night.
MS. DAVIDSON. Certainly did. I was so tired, I slept like a dead person.
RAYNERD. Good thing you woke up, 'cause we'd never be able. to hide two bodies. We're having enough
trouble with the one.
MS. DAVIDSON. Excuse me?
RHONDA LYNN. Uh, Raynerd, Darlin', run out to the kitchen and watch that extra pan of biscuits for
me, okay?
RAYNERD. Okay, but I don't know how many biscuits you think an old dead lady's gonna eat. (Exits to
the kitchen.)
DUB. (Stands beside Iney.) Hope you're hungry, Ms. Davidson.
MS. DAVIDSON. (Starts for a chair.) Matter of fact, I am. And it smells delicious. You certainly have a
lovely Band B here. (Iney slowly slumps sideways. Dub stops Iney's fall before Davidson sees it. Rhonda
Lynn panics.)
RHONDA LYNN. Oh, God! (Everyone stares at her. Quickly covers.)
Humbly ... we ... uh ... beseech you to ... bless this food ... and . .. lead us not into incarceration. Amen.
DUB. (Hurries Davidson into a dining chair that faces away from lney.) If you think that smells good,
wait 'til you sit over here in this chair.
24
MS. DAVIDSON. I ... don't understand.
FRANKIE. Well, see, that chair's in a much better ... air current ... smell-good stream ... from the
kitchen ... sort of thing.
MS. DAVIDSON. If you say so.
DUB. Yes, ma'am, Ms. Davidson. What you need is a nice slice of ham.
MS. DAVIDSON. It just so happens I love ham.
DUB. Hear that, Frankie? Come over here and serve Ms. Davidson some ham with plenty of my
homemade glaze on it, why don't you? (Goes back to stand by Iney.)
FRANKIE. Why, I'd be happy to. Now, let's see here ... (Iney slowly starts to slide out of the chair. Dub
grabs her. Before Davidson can turn to see what Dub is doing, Frankie grabs her chin.} In fact, how
about two nice slices, Ms. Davidson? Now, doesn't that sound even better? (In the background, while
Frankie speaks, Dub motions to Rhonda Lynn to help him move Iney into the kitchen. Rhonda Lynn
balks.) And just look at that moist, delicious ham. (Cuts it.) Isn't it scrumptious? (Shoves a bite into
Davidson's mouth.}
MS. DAVIDSON. Mmm. Well, truth is, I haven't had a decent meal since I left home and I'm starved. (As
she takes another bite, Rhonda Lynn continues to mime her refusal to help Dub with Iney.)
FRANKIE. Rhonda Lynn certainly outdid herself
MS. DAVIDSON. I have to say, this is the best ham I ever tasted - (Davidson looks at Rhonda Lynn and
catches her gesticulating wildly to Dub, waving her arms in the air.)
RHONDA LYNN. (Freezes, her arms still in the air. Covers, sheepishly.) Yay, ham!
FRANKIE. Uh ... Fayro's famous for its good home cooks. And ... we're lucky so many of them go to our
church, The Tabernacle of the Lamb.
MS. DAVIDSON. Actually, I'm glad you brought that up. 1HONEY RAYE. (Enters the front door in a sexy cowgirl outfit with fringed sleeves, hat, fishnet stockings
and Western boots.} Oh, Ms. Davidson, I had no idea you'd still be here. The judge isn't supposed to see
the contestants before the pageant and here I am all decked out in my perfectly detailed costume, which I
have no doubt is better than anything Joveeta Crumpler has whipped up . Why, I'd just hate to break any
of the rules of the Ms. Fayro Days Pageant. I mean, I could just die!
FRANKIE. Speaking of which, could I talk to you over here for a minute, Honey Raye?
HONEY RAYE. I suppose. (Frankie guides her to Rhonda Lynn . They converse in whispers while Dub
distracts Davidson.)
DUB. You might as well have another biscuit to sop up that glaze, Ms. Davidson.
HONEY RAYE. (Gasps and pulls out of the huddle.} She what?! (Frankie pulls her back into the huddle
and continues to whisper. They hatch a plan.)
DUB. (Loudly, to cover.) Yes, ma'am! That recipe was handed down to me by my mama, from her mama.
MS. DAVIDSON. I can see why you're proud of it. Something about it just makes you want more.
25
HONEY RAYE. (Pulls out of the huddle and swings into action.) You know, I just had the greatest idea.
Ms. Davidson, how would you like to have just a little sneaky-peek of my talent before the contest?
MS. DAVIDSON. Actually, I'm not sure that's such a good idea.
HONEY RAYE. Why, that's wonderful! (Pulls Davidson away from the table and pushes her into a chair
with her back to Iney.) Now you just sit right there and don't take your eyes off me, you hear? (Stands in
front of Ms. Davidson and sings, a Ld Marilyn Monroe, a sultry rendition of 'Tm a Texas Teapot" to the
tune of "I'm a Little Teapot. "As she performs, and unseen by Ms. Davidson, Frankie, Dub and Rhonda
Lynn pick up Iney and struggle as they exit with her body into the kitchen.)
I'M A TEXAS TEAPOT
THERE'S NO DOUBT
HERE IS MY HANDLE
HERE IS MY SPOUT.
WHEN I GET ALL STEAMED UP
HEAR ME SHOUT
COME ON OVER, BABY, AND LET'S GO OUT!
(Ends the song, takes a deep bow. Checks to make sure the others have gotten Iney out of the room.) So,
what do you think, Ms. Davidson?
MS. DAVIDSON. I think I've never seen anything like that in my whole life.
HONEY RAYE. Then wait 'til you see the tap dance routine that goes with it. Now you just make sure I
win the pageant. (Yanks Davidson out of the chair and hurries her to the front door.}
MS. DAVIDSON. But that would be cheating. And cheating is wrong.
HONEY RAYE. Not if you're really good at it. (Hustles her out the front door.)
DUB. (Sticks his head out the kitchen door, then enters.) You can come out now. They're gone. (Rhonda
Lynn and Frankie reenter.)
FRANKIE. Do you think Ms. Davidson suspects anything?
DUB. Only that Honey Raye can't carry a tune in a bucket.
RHONDA LYNN. My first day as a nurse and I already killed somebody!
FRANKIE. You haven't killed anyone.
RHONDA LYNN. Yes, I have. I've taken a life!
FRANKIE. Dub, help me out here.
DUB. Look, I'm late for the reenactment. Iney will be just fine in the pantry 'til I get back. Don't let
anybody in there. And Rhonda Lynn, don't murder anyone else while I'm gone. (Exits out the front door.)
RHONDA LYNN. I've always been a posirive person, but maybe a killer's been lurking inside me all this
time and I never knew it!
FRANKIE. Rhonda Lynn, stop it! Iney was old and probably just died of natural causes. (Then.) It sure is
warmin' up. I wonder if there isn't a better place to put Iney.
RHONDA LYNN. Wait! I've got it! We'll stick Iney in the freezer, then later tonight, I'll come back over,
we'll throw her into the trunk, drive her across the stare line, sneak her into one of those all night movies
in Shreveport and dump her body there. Smart, huh?
26
FRANKIE. Sister, when you give in to the dark side, you go whole hog. I better go crack that pantry door
a little. (Exits to the kitchen.)
RHONDA LYNN. Dear Lord, could this day get any weirder?
JOHN CURTIS. (In full rebel uniform, sticks his head in the front door. He's wild-eyed and delirious.)
Pssst! Pssst! Hey! If a twenty-foot spider comes lookin' for me, tell him I went to Waxahachie! (Exits.}
FRANKIE. (Races into the room.} Rhonda Lynn, what have you done with Iney?
RHONDA LYNN. What do you mean, what have I done with Iney?
FRANKIE. She's not in the pantry.
RHONDA LYNN. Well, don't look at me. Iney has to be in the pantry. I haven't touched her since I killed
her.
FRANKIE. Well, she's not!
RHONDA LYNN. She can't have gone far. The woman is dead, you know.
FRANKIE. We've got to think. Now, what kind of lunatics would break into the pantry and take a dead
body ... (They stop and stare at each other, horrified.} Oh, no! (She and Rhonda Lynn race to the front
door.}
RHONDA LYNN. Eddie Mack!
FRANKIE. Bobby Frank! (They exit. Blackout.)
Scene 3
Lights up on General Geneva, who stands among several helium balloon "soldiers" with faces drawn on
them. She rallies the troops. Bored, Dub and Justin pay scant attention.
GENEVA. Okay, soldiers, listen up. Future generations will judge the actions we take today on this
glorious field of conflict. We will right the wrongs of history and finally win the Battle of Vicksburg!
DUB. You are aware we're fightin' helium balloon soldiers with BB guns on a cow pasture in the middle
of Texas, right?
GENEVA. I am aware that we are fightin' to save our town as well as our place in history, Private!
JUSTIN. Excuse me, General Geneva, how long is it going to take us to win this battle? I need to go beg
my wife to forgive me and make sure she hasn't already changed the locks on our mobile home.
GENEVA. In time of war, we set our petty, personal concerns aside. We think as one! We act as one! You
are the hope of the South and I am your leader!
DUB. God help us.
GENEVA. (Ignores him.) This battle will commence at exactly twelve hundred hours which gives us a
gift neither side had at the original conflict - rehearsal time! So, we shall work our maneuvers until we get
them right. Now, draw your weapons and (Yells for all she's worth as she races offstage.) CHARGE!!!
DUB. (Long beat as he and Justin watch Geneva exit. Then.) Are we supposed to follow her or
somethin'?
27
JUSTIN. Beats me. I kinda tuned her out.
JOHN CURTIS. (Rushes in, crazed. Shouts.) That's him! He's the one! (Pops a balloon.) I got him,
General! I nailed me a Union spy! (Howls maniacally and races offstage.)
DUB. Somebody must've tipped Texas on its side, 'cause all the nuts have rolled into Fayro. (Blackout)
Scene 4
Lights up on the Dubberly living room. Rhonda Lynn enters from the kitchen breathing into a brown
paper bag, trying not to hyperventilate.
RHONDA LYNN. Iney, I swear, if you weren't dead already, I'd wring your scrawny neck for
disappearing like this.
FRANKIE. (Rushes in the front door.) Okay, there's got to be a logical explanation why Iney vanished.
The twins swear they haven't seen her. Of course they also swore they don't know where my scissors are,
but since Eddie Mack has no eyebrows or hair on the right side of his head, I'm a tad skeptical.
G.J. (Enters the front door in her cow costume.) Mama! I'm so glad you're here! Something terrible's
happened.
RHONDA LYNN. Oh, God! It's all over town?! Everybody knows?!
G.J. I went to explain to the casino manager that Justin losing the car was all a big mistake. But when I
walked in, everybody just stared at me like I was country-come-to-town.
FRANKIE. They didn't!
G.J. They did! While I was looking for the manager, I passed a huge wheel where people were makin' bets
to win a brand new car. And I looked way up high where that car was revolvin' with f1ashin' lights all
around and thought, "That's it!" If I could just win that new car for Justin, it would make everything all
right.
FRANKIE. Uh-oh. Should I sit down to hear the rest of this story?
G.J. I would. So, I asked the man at the wheel how I could enter the contest. He told me to pick my
favorite number and put my money on it and they'd spin that wheel 'til my lucky number came up. But no
matter how many times I bet, the wheel never stopped on my number. And when I ran out of money, the
man told me money wasn't the only thing I could use, so ... that's how I wound up betting our mobile
home. (Wails.) And now we don't have a car or a place to live!
FRANKIE. You didn't!
G.J. I did!
RHONDA LYNN. You wanna know what's worse, kid?
Blackmailers. Yeah, you accidentally rub out just one little old lady and blackmailers will hound your
every step and suck the marrow from your bones.
G.J. What are you talking about, Aunt Rhonda Lynn? Haven't you been listening to me? I lost our home!
RHONDA LYNN. That's nothing. I killed Aunt Iney,
G.J. You didn't!
28
RHONDA LYNN. I did!
G.J. (Beat.) Well, that's the best news I've heard all day!
FRANKIE. Gina Jo!
G.J. No, Mama! I mean, it makes me feel better knowing somebody's done something worse than I have!
Aunt Rhonda Lynn, when you go to prison, can Justin and I live in your house?
FRANKIE. What's happening to us?' Has everyone in this family gone completely whack-o?
TWINK. (Enters the front door. She wears an old wedding dress and carries a ladder and an oversized
crepepaper wedding bell.) Hey, y'all. Help me get this place decorated, 'cause soon as the reenactments
finished, two hundred and fifty people are comin' over for my wedding.
FRANKIE. What?!
RHONDA LYNN. (Wails.) She's gettin' a husband and I'm gettin' ol' Sparky?
FRANKIE. Hold it right there, Twink. With everything else we've got to accomplish today, I forbid you to
try and ram your wedding down our throats.
TWINK. (She's been pushed too far) Did I hear you say forbid? Excuse me, but who's caught fifty-three
wedding bouquets in a row and has a sack full of the withered, old things to prove it? Me! Who's thrown
all the bridal showers and watched everybody in the world get married and live happily ever after? Me!
Who drives me home and tells me "good night" and tucks me into bed? Me! Well, you know what? I am
sick and tired of being alone! Marrying John Curtis Buntner is the end of my rainbow and I am ready,
right now, today to claim my pot of gold, do you understand me? And I do not care if it harelips the
governor. I'm going ro get some of that happily-ever-after for myself even if I have to beat the tar out of
everyone of you to get you to help me do it! Today is my day, and if anyone of you does anything to try to
steal attention away from me, I swear to you, I will LOSE IT!!!
HONEY RAYE. (Hurries through the front door. Her cowgirl outfit is now torn, her hairs a mess and her
makeup is smudged. She wears only one boot.) I've got a real big problem and you've all got to help me
right now!
G.J. Aunt Honey Raye, what happened to you?
HONEY RAYE. Huh? Oh, nothing. I got into a fist fight with Joveeta Crumpler. Now, what I need FRANKIE. Hold it! A fist fight? Please, please tell me this didn't happen in front of everyone at the
pageant.
HONEY RAYE. Well, what choice did I have? Joveeta was onstage doing her talent piece while I was
getting ready and when I couldn't find my tap shoes, I knew Joveeta had stolen them! It was Little Miss
Chicken Legs all over again. So I stormed out onstage and knocked that singing saw out of her hand and I
decked her! Joveeta fought back like a wildcat and everyone rushed up onstage and egged us on. But she
was no match for me - never has been - and I thoroughly and completely whupped her butt and gave her
exactly what she deserved. So what if we were both disqualified from the pageant? Nobody's going to
disrespect the Futrelle family name on my watch.
FRANKIE. Yet you felt having a public catfight would raise our prestige in the community.
TWINK. Honey Raye, you cannot have the spotlight right now because it's mine. This is my special day.
29
RHONDA LYNN. (Realizing a mistake's been made.) Uh ... G.J., Darlin', you did deliver the package in
my car to Honey Raye like I asked you to, didn't you?
G.J. Oh, no! I had so much on my mind, I completely forgot!
RHONDA LYNN. (With great reluctance.) Honey Raye, Joveeta didn't steal your tap shoes this time. I
had them shined up to surprise you. They're still in the backseat of my car.
HONEY RAYE. What?! You mean I beat up Joveeta for nothing!
RHONDA LYNN. (Weakly.} Surprise!
HONEY RAYE. Oh, my God! That makes two really horrible things I've done today.
FRANKIE. Do I dare ask what the other horrible thing was?
HONEY RAYE. Well, by the time the boys from the VFW pulled me off Joveeta, it was chaos in the
cafetorium. Ms. Davidson was nowhere to be found. I lost her! That's the problem I was talking about in
the first place.
G.J. Ms. Davidson's probably out enjoying the festival. And surely somebody will tell her how to get over
to the reenactment.
HONEY RAYE. That's what I'm worried about. Fayro's not the only small town in trouble and if
somebody from one of those towns finds out who Davidson is, they might try to steal her salsa factory for
their town. We've got to go find her or Fayro will never forgive me!
TWINK. See? You're doing it again. Me, me, me, me, me! Just like you've done since we were kids!
We've gOt to get ready for my wedding! Who cares about Davidson?!
RHONDA LYNN. I do! 'Cause if that woman comes up missing, the cops will think I killed her, too!
FRANKIE. (Pushed over the edge.) THAT DOES IT! I am sick and tired of all this chin music! At this
point, I'm not even sure trying to save Fayro's worth it any more. I mean, do I really want to continue
living near you people?! All you've done is get us into one big, embarrassing mess after another. Don't
you see? We're not accomplishing anything that needs to be done! You're just standing here squawkin' like
a yard full of wet hens. Yeah, that's all you're doing, getting nowhere - (She gets up onto a chair.) just
squawkin' and scramblin' like a bunch of stupid chickens. (Goes into a ridiculous and very unattractive
imitation of a chicken walk, flapping, clucking and squawking. Behind her, Davidson enters scratching
madly. Honey Raye, Rhonda Lynn, Twink and G.j. try to motion to Frankie to stop. She doesn't.) Yeah, not
so pretty, is it? It's one big, old, useless waste of time. (She flaps, squawks again, then turns and sees Ms.
Davidson. She freezes.) Uh ... Ms. Davidson! You're back. I was ... starting to worry about you.
MS. DAVIDSON. Funny, I was about to say the same thing to you. (To Honey Raye.) Sorry I missed the
end of your fist fight, but I was shoved out the door and some guy driving what looked like a giant vulture
almost ran over me. I was too busy trying to save my own neck to see who won round two.
G.J. But other than that, you having a nice time?
MS. DAVIDSON. All I can do is scratch! IfI didn't know better, I'd swear I'd eaten strawberries. If I even
get near one, I wind up in a hospital.
FRANKIE. (She and her sisters are stricken.) Uh ... you know the glaze on that ham you liked so much at
breakfast? I guess I should tell you Dub's secret ingredient is strawberries ... and plenty of 'em.
MS. DAVIDSON. (Clutches her throat') Get me to a doctor! Now! Now! Now!
30
HONEY RAYE. Doc Ballard's in our Civil War reenactment. He's set up a field hospital. I'll take you
right over there to him.
FRANKIE. Oh, no you won't. We want to make sure Ms. Davidson actually gets there. I'll take her.
MS. DAVIDSON. (Sarcastically.) Well, at least I'll get to see some of the Battle of Vicksburg.
FRANKIE. See it? Ms. Davidson, you're in it. (Ms. Davidson is horrified.
Frankie grabs her and they exit out the front door. Blackout.)
Scene 5
Lights up on Raynerd, in uniform. He stands beside his wagon.
RAYNERD. I just love Fayro. I sure wish Buck was here with us now, 'cause he loves it, too. Just look at
all them balloons, Doodle. They make Mr. Killebrew's pasture look like he's throwin' a big party.
MS. DAVIDSON. (Enters scratching and dazed.) Is this where the Union soldiers are supposed to
muster?
RAYNERD. I don't think so. They didn't give us anything to eat so there's nothing here to put mustard on.
In fact, I got so hungry I traded my gun for a pimento cheese sandwich. I think everybody should.
MS. DAVIDSON. Uh, I don't have a gun ... just a ... set of car keys. I don't even have a uniform.
RAYNERD. Well, here's you a hat I didn't use. (Retrieves a Union cap from his wagon. She puts it on.) I
tried it on the stuffed emu this morning, but it looks even better on you.
MS. DAVIDSON. Listen, I've never been in a Civil War battle reenactment before. What am I supposed
to do?
RAYNERD. Pretend.
MS. DAVIDSON. Pretend what?
RAYNERD. That you know what you're supposed to do. I do it all the time.
MS. DAVIDSON. I can't remember being this miserable. I can't stop scratching and nobody can find the
doctor and ... (Checks her watch.) Isn't this thing supposed to start soon? Where is everyone?
RAYNERD. We're all here, Ms. Davidson.
MS. DAVIDSON. You mean, we're it?
RAYNERD. Yeah, it's just us. You, me and Doodle. Nobody else wanted to be on our side.
MS. DAVIDSON. (Looks for Doodle. Gives up.) We're the only Union troops in this thing?
RAYNERD. Except for all them blow-up soldiers.
MS. DAVIDSON. Let me get this straight: We're all alone in the big middle of a field, and any minute
now, rebel forces are going to swarm over that hill and we're supposed to fight 'em off and win the Battle
of Vicksburg with nothin' but half a sandwich and a set of car keys?!
RAYNERD. That really doesn't sound so good when you say it out loud. (Looks around) Know somethin'
else? I saw a war movie once and it wasn't like this at all. It's so quiet here and everything, it kinda makes
my stomach quiver. What are you thinkin', Ms. Davidson?
31
MS. DAVIDSON. I'm thinking we're dead meat! Brother, we're nothin' but sittin' ducks out here!
RAYNERD. Well ... maybe things aren't that bad. (Offstage, a bugle blares the call to arms. He and Ms.
Davidson clutch each other in utter fear.) Speakin' of pretendin', wanna pretend we didn't hear that?
(Blackout.)
Scene 6
Lights up on the Dubberly living room. Rhonda Lynn sits on the couch weeping as Twink continues to
decorate for her wedding. Honey Raye races in the front door, a clipboard in her hand
HONEY RAYE. Okay, the pet costume parade is a half-hour behind schedule and we had a setback at the
dunking booth. Since Bucky Waddell packed on that hundred pounds after he quit smoking, first time he
went down, he splashed all the water out of the tank.
TWINK. Well, cry me a river. I've had to put G.J. to bed with a stress headache and Rhonda Lynn won't
stop bawling. Not exactly what I'd call the wedding day of my dreams.
RHONDA LYNN. I'm doing the best I can considering I've got blood on my hands. And don't say I
haven't done anything to help you, Twink. Here's your tube of Dollar Diva lipstick; I found it under the
couch.
TWINK. That's not my shade. It's the color I sold Iney ... before you killed her.
HONEY RAYE. What would that wrinkled-up old pickle-puss want with lipstick?
RHONDA LYNN. (Reads the label.) Ethylflora-diphacinone. Kinda sounds like a vitamin, doesn't it?
HONEY RAYE. Hold on! That's what's in the lipstick?
RHONDA LYNN. Yeah. It's also in the Bargain Blush Twink sold me.
HONEY RAYE. Oh, this is not good. See, Snake, lucky Husband Number Three, was in the
exterminating business. And I happen to know that word and it's the stuff they put in rat poison.
RHONDA LYNN. That can't be right. If this stuff is poisonous, Twink would've gotten a call from
Beauty-On-A-Budget headquarters.
TWINK. There is no headquarters! Beauty-On-A-Budget is just two gals in a garage in Kentucky
repackaging discontinued cosmetics. Oh, my gosh! Do you know what this means?
RHONDA LYNN. Do I ever! It. means I didn't kill Iney. You did! I'm not going to be the one who rots in
jail after all!
TWINK. Oh, no. I sold Iney poison makeup! Everyone knows how much 1 hated that old biddy. They'll
throw the book at me for murder! I'm going back to the Big House!
HONEY RAYE. Just calm down, Twink! We're all wearing Beauty- On-A-Budget lipstick and blush and
it hasn't affected us.
TWINK. Well ... that is true ... (Beat. She screams and furiously rubs off her lipstick and blush. Honey
Raye and Rhonda Lynn scream and rub off their makeup. Offstage, a series loud "POPS" are heard. They
all hit the floor.) It's the cops! They're here! It's all over for me, girls! Save yourselves! (Runs into the
kitchen.)
FRANKIE. (Enters the front door, disheveled.) You wouldn't believe what's happening out there. An RV
full of Red Hats keeps backfiring. It's spooked every animal in the pet costume parade. Their owners are
32
screaming and chasing them and the 4-H club horses broke loose on their way to the battlefield and it is a
madhouse!
HONEY RAYE. Good Lord, Fayro Days is on the verge of turning into a full-blown disaster. We just can't
let anything else go wrong!
GENEVA. (Enters the front door.) Okay, people, listen up. We've got a situation. Once we initiated the
attack on Union forces and started popping them balloons, old Chester Dilby, bless his heart, hallucinated
himself back to Korea. He loaded his gun with birdshot and commenced to firing and, unfortunately, we
have a man down. (Dub and Justin enter the front door supporting Ms. Davidson. She Limps badly and is
still scratching.)
JUSTIN. Easy does it, Ms. Davidson.
DUB. Don't worry, everything's fine.
MS. DAVIDSON. (Scratching and at the end of her rope.) Oh, yeah?! Do you have birdshot in your butt?
And whose bright idea was it to arm that deranged old codger and set him loose?! I could've been killed!
HONEY RAYE. (Struggling to put a good face on it.) But you weren't! See, the annual murder rate in
Fayro is zero!
RHONDA LYNN. (Nervously.) At least it was until today. (Then.) Here, let me run get the First Aid kit.
(Exits to the kitchen.)
FRANKIE. (Pulls Dub aside.) Dub, it's a good thing you're back. We've got a problem. Iney's
disappeared.
DUB. What?! Can't I trust you with a dead body for two minutes?
G.J. (Enters from the stairs.) Justin! I thought I heard your voice. How are you, Punkin Pie?
JUSTIN. Why, I'm just fine, Sugar Babe! Wait. Why are you being nice to me?
G.J. Why wouldn't I be nice to my darling husband who is kind, patient and, most importantly, forgiving.
JOHN CURTIS. (Crazed, he herds Raynerd through the front door and clutches a handfull of Union
"soldier" balloons.) Hey, y'all! I've won the entire war by myself I've taken all Union soldiers prisoner
and hereby declare victory for the South! Woo-woo!
RAYNERD. I'm glad we're through playing this game. I don't know why people need to have war. It's not
nearly as much fun as fishin'.
GENEVA. Well done, Private Buntner. You've made Texas proud.
RHONDA LYNN. (She and Twink reenter from the kitchen with a first aid kit.) Now, bend over, Ms.
Davidson, and let me check that wound. Even though it's just birdshor, you could get an infection.
TWINK. And once you get patched up, I'd like to talk to you about possibly serving as a character witness
at a murder trial.
MS. DAVIDSON. You two get away from me!
G.J. (Lifts the back of Davidson's jacket.) Ms. Davidson, I've doctored wounds like this before. Let's just
run you down to the Large Animal Clinic.
33
MS. DAVIDSON. Okay, I've had it! I'm not putting up with another second of this ... insanity! Ever since
I got here, I've been run over in the street, I've been bribed and shot and fed strawberries that make me
itch so bad I can barely stand it!
RAYNERD. And don't forget about them killing that mean, old lady.
FRANKIE. (Quickly puts her hand over his mouth.) Dear, sweet Raynerd. You say the funniest things.
MS. DAVIDSON. That's it! You people are crazy! In fact, the whole town is nuts!
GENEVA. Well ... okay, we'll concede that point.
HONEY RAYE. Ms. Davidson, we were only trying to show you some Southern hospitality.
DUB. This won't keep you from moving your salsa factory here, will it?
MS. DAVIDSON. What are you talking about? I don't have a salsa factory! I don't even Like salsa!
G.J. But you're Senora Caliente. You came here to help us save Fayro, didn't you?
MS. DAVIDSON. What?! No! I only came to this God-forsaken place to see your preacher.
JUSTIN. That's me. I'm Justin Waverly. How can I help you?
MS. DAVIDSON. You can't. I'm from the Church Conference!
RHONDA LYNN. Oh, this is not good.
TWINK. We thought you were from Connecticut!
MS. DAVIDSON. I'm from Corpus Christi! I was sent here by the Church Conference to tell Brother
Waverly he's not going to be named permanent pastor at The Tabernacle of the Lamb.
JUSTIN. But Ms. Davidson, I've made great strides here in Fayro. I've had to struggle against a dwindling
population. Don't I get any points for that?
DUB. Yeah, lady. He's done his best. You're making a terrible mistake.
JOHN CURTIS. How could you do this to a son of the South? I hereby challenge you to a duel!
MS. DAVIDSON. Oh, shut up! (Back to the others.) Look, that's what I came here to do, but you all ran
me ragged and never gave me the chance to tell you! And the truth is, after enduring two days of being
around you people, I realize nobody in his right mind would take the job! I speak on behalf of the entire
Church Conference and you can have it, Brother Waverly. The job is yours for as long as you can stand it!
G.J. Ms. Davidson, you go back and tell the Church Conference that my husband would be thrilled to JUSTIN. You tell them I said "no." I will not take this job ...
G.J. Justin!
JUSTIN .... Unless you triple my salary.
MS. DAVIDSON. (Scratches madly} Fine. Anything you want. Just let me out of this miserable town!
(Races out the front door.)
RAYNERD. Well, shoot! She's gonna miss the corn dog fry.
34
G.J. Justin, you were fantastic! I love you for doing that.
JUSTIN. Wow, Dub! I did it! I stood up to a woman ... and it worked!
FRANKIE. Yeah, but I wouldn't make a habit of it.
TWINK. Not to bust your bubble, but if there's no town, there's no church.
DUB. So we knocked ourselves out trying to impress the wrong woman? Senora Caliente was never even
here?
RHONDA LYNN. That's right. Looks like we did all this for nothin'.
G.J. Guess we should start packin'.
JOHN CURTIS. Tell you what, y'all pack, I'll sleep. (Collapses straight down onto the floor.)
HONEY RAYE. I don't believe what I'm hearing! We most certainly did not do all this for nothin', At the
very least we proved that people will come back to Fayro if there's a good enough reason. And since when
did y'all become quitters? This is our home. And it's thousands of small towns just like Fayro that are the
backbone of America. Our way of life will vanish if people like us don't make a stand. We have a
commitment to our entire culture! Are we just gonna give up? (There's a Long, uncomfortable silence as
Honey Raye's words sink in. Then.)
DUB. Yeah, I think we are.
TWINK. We tried, we failed, let's go.
HONEY RAYE. You're right. Just thought I'd give it one last shot.
GENEVA. Not counting the time I had that colonoscopy, this has got to be the worst day of my life.
RHONDA LYNN. But lookin' on the positive side, we did survive it. I bet there's no surprise we couldn't
handle now.
INEY. (Stomps through the front door.) I'll take that bet. (Collective gasp.)
FRANKIE. Oh, my God! You're supposed to be dead!
INEY. No such luck, Gold Digger! I've got a little arrhythmia that sometimes gets me out of sync and
makes me pass out - but not for long. I usually wake up pretty fast.
TWINK. So you just played dead?
INEY. Sure. 'Cause when I keep faking it, I get to listen in and find out a whole lot about the people who
think I'm dead. I've started doing it about once a month ... just for fun.
DUB. Of all the rotten, hateful tricks!
RHONDA LYNN. And you didn't even care how awful it made us feel?
INEY. Bingo! It gave me the information I needed to decide whether I should name Frankie and that fool
nephew of mine heirs to my estate, which is the only reason I came here to Dogpatch in the first place.
Well, I've made up my mind. (To Frankie and Dub.) Congratulations, I'm leaving you the whole she-bang.
DUB. You what?! Why?
35
INEY. Because you're the only people who ever actually went and looked for my body once you thought
I'd croaked.
FRANKIE. Uh ... thank you, Aunt Iney. We're ... honored.
INEY. Whatever. But there's one more thing - I'm headin' to Vegas tomorrow, Baby. And I'm not leaving
'til I've pulled all the slots at Caesar's. If you're lucky, you may end up with three hundred bucks. Enjoy.
(She exits out the front door.)
RAYNERD. You know, I liked that old lady better when she was dead.
GENEVA. Well, people, today's been a bust all the way around. But, at least there's one bit of good news.
We've got nothing else to worry about. We are now officially as low as we can possibly go.
DUB. (Looks out the front door.) Justin, isn't that your trailer house being towed down the street?
JUSTIN. (Runs to the front door.) They can't do that! That's our home.
G.J. Not anymore. Know something? Gambling's not as easy as it looks.
JUSTIN. You didn't!
G.J. I did! I was trying to win a new car to make everything up to you.
JUSTIN. That's the sweetest bad news I ever got. (They embrace. Then.) So, now we don't have a car or a
home. Where are we supposed to live?
G.J. Oh, I figured that out. We'll just move in with Mama and Daddy.
FRANKIE and DUB. What?!
TWINK. Well, this just proves we can only count on each other from here on out. (Buck Strickland, 50s,
upbeat, knocks and strides through the front door.)
BUCK. Hello, Folks, I'm looking for Miss Honey Raye Futrelle ..
HONEY RAYE. That's me. How can I help you?
BUCK. The name's Buck Strickland. I wanted to meet you because I've decided to move my salsa factory
here to Fayro.
(Everyone is stunned)
TWINK. But ... I don't understand. You're Senora Caliente of Senora Caliente's Salsa Sensations?
BUCK. Oh, I made that name up. Thought it sounded better than Buck's Hot Stuff
HONEY RAYE. But how could you just decide to move your factory to Fayro? You've never even been
here before.
BUCK. Actually, I was here a couple days ago. Hey there, Raynerd! Hey, Doodle.
RAYNERD. Hey, Mr. Buck. Welcome back.
BUCK. I wanted to sneak into town to see it on an ordinary day. I ran into Raynerd and he was kind
enough to show me around Fayro.
RHONDA LYNN. (To Raynerd.) This is Buck, the friend you kept talkin' about?
36
TWINK. Holy cow, this one's real!
BUCK. I have to tell you, Raynerd was a wonderful guide. He told me everything about the community.
We even got in some fishing. And I walked away thinking if this place inspires that kind of pride and
devotion in a man like Raynerd Chisum, it's definitely the town for me. (To Dub.) You're Dub Dubberly,
right?
DUB. Well ... yes sir, I am.
BUCK. Raynerd told me all about your mechanical skills. I'll be hiring about rwo hundred workers and
I'd like you to be my production manager. I need someone older and experienced I can count on.
DUB. Why, then ... I'm your man, Buck.
BUCK. I appreciate it. (To Honey Raye.) Maybe we can go over some of the paperwork tomorrow?
HONEY RAYE. And will Mrs. Strickland be joining us?
BUCK. I'm a single man, Ms. Futrelle, but I'm certainly open to suggestions. See you tomorrow. (He
exits. Beat. They all look at each other, then break into joyous shouts.)
GENEVA. Two hundred new jobs?! You have any idea what this means, people? It means BooKoo
BoKay is in business to stay! I'm saved!
HONEY RAYE. We all are! And do you know who we have to thank?
FRANKIE. I sure do. The best friend this town ever had. Raynerd Chisum.
RAYNERD. I just love Fayro.
HONEY RAYE. And I just love knowing my dry spell is o-v-e-r. Rhonda Lynn, since Buck Strickland is
single, I call first dibs on this hombre.
RHONDA LYNN. I wouldn't have it any other way, since you are so good at breaking in my new
boyfriends for me.
FRANKIE. (To Dub.) How about that, Rapunzel? You just got a great new job because of your age and
experience. So, think we can get rid of the skateboard and the ponytail now?
DUB. Well, I don't mind giving up the skateboard, but I kinda like my new 'do.
FRANKIE. Listen, everybody gets older. (Gently removes his ponytail cap.) But we're lucky, we get to do
it together. And truth is, every time I look at you, Dub Dubberly, I see that cute seventeen year- old
quarterback I fell in love with all those years ago.
DUB. (Embraces her, then.) Wait a minute. I was the fullback.
BUCK. (Sticks his head in the front door.) Excuse me, but there are two boys out here who've tied up
some little old lady. Looks like they're about to turn the garden hose on her.
FRANKIE. (Starts for the door, then thinks better of it') Oh, it's alright, Mr. Strickland. The boys are just
having fun.
DUB. Yeah, nothing to worry about. Their Great Aunt Iney just loves rough housin' with those little boys.
See you tomorrow! (Buck exits. Frankie and Dub slap high fives.)
TWINK. Hey, looks like the Futrelle Sisters get to stay together.
37
HONEY RAYE. Yep, right here in our hometown.
RHONDA LYNN. And the four of us are gonna keep this place rockin' for a long time.
FRANKIE. (Looks heavenward.) Mama Eula, we did it. We saved Fayro after all. (Frankie, Honey Raye,
Rhonda Lynn and Twink hug.}
RAYNERD. Hey, I don't know about y'all, but all this excitement has got me hungry.
G.J. Let's go start the corn dog fry and tell everybody the good news!
TWINK. No way! Nobody leaves this room 'til I'm a married woman! (Stands over John Curtis.) John
Curtis, do you want to marry me right now?
JOHN CURTIS. If I say "yes," can I go to sleep afterwards?
TWINK. You bet.
JOHN CURTIS. Then, I do. (She hauls him up off the floor.)
GENEVA. Okay, Pastor Waverly. It's show time!
JUSTIN. My first official act as permanent Pastor. This is so exciting. (Everyone gathers around amid
much hugging and kissing. As Justin gets into position, Iney, unseen by the others, struggles in a few steps
through the kitchen door. She's gagged and tied up and is attached to a long rope. She tries to get farther
into the room, but is pulled back into the kitchen by the rope. Twink and john Curtis stand in front of
Justin. Frankie, Honey Raye, G.J. and Rhonda Lynn flank Twink. Dub and Raynerd stand beside john
Curtis. Beat.)
JUSTIN. Uh ... uh ... I'm so nervous, remind me again how the whole thing starts.
FRANKIE, DUB, HONEY RAYE, RHONDA LYNN, TWINK, JOHN CURTIS, G.J., GENEVA and
RAYNERD. Dearly Beloved!
(Blackout.)
End of Play
PROPERTY LIST
Telephone
Headset
Shopping bag (Beauty-On-A-Budget)
Engagement ring
Appointment book
Tube of Preparation H
Laundry basket
Clothes to fold
Toys
Skateboard
Red wagon
Dairy Dog take-out (paper) bags
Bow and arrows
38
Roll of duct tape
Rope
Bridal magazines
Notepad
Clipboard
Small red flag
Small green flag
Small wall mirror
2 Stick horses
Breakfast foods on platters
Slices of edible ham
Fruit jar for Dub's glaze
Throw
Potted plant (artificial)
Helium balloons (blue and silver/grey)
String and weights for balloons
Saber
2 BB Guns
Ladder
Big white crepe paper wedding bell
Half of a pimento cheese sandwich
Ser of keys
Lipstick
First aid kit
Sound Effects
Bugle call
Series of pops (sounds like gunfire)
39