Tape 1 - Side A
Hey, it's Hannah. Hannah Baker. That's right. Don't adjust your...whatever device you're hearing this on. It's me, live and in stereo. No return engagements, no encore, and this time absolutely no requests. Get a snack. Settle in. Because I'm about to tell you the story of my life. More specifically, why my life ended. And if you're listening to this tape, you're one of the reasons why. I'm not saying which tape brings you into this story. But fear not, if you received this lovely little box, your name will pop up. I promise. Anyway, the rules here are pretty simple. There are only two. Rule number one: you listen. Number two: you pass it on. Hopefully neither one will be easy. It's not supposed to be easy because otherwise I would have emailed you an MP3. When you're done listening to all 13 sides, because there are thirteen sides to every story, rewind the tapes, put them back in the box, and pass them on to the next person. Oh, and the box of tapes should have included a map. I'll be mentioning several spots around our beloved city. I can't force you to visit them, but if you'd like a little more insight, head for the stars. Or, you know, just throw the map away and I'll never know...or will I? You see, in case you're tempted to break the rules, understand I did make a copy of these tapes, and I left them with a trusted individual who, if this package doesn't make it through all of you, will release those copies in a very public manner. This was not a spur of the moment decision. Do not take me for granted. Not again. Do what I say. Not more, not less. You're being watched.
Put your finger on 'C', your other finger on '4'. Bring them together. That's our first red star. I know, right? A map. Old school, again. No Google Maps, no app, no chance for the Interwebs to make everything worse, like it does. You've arrived at my first house in this shitty town, where I threw my first and only party...and where I met Justin Foley...the subject of our first tape. It was just a party. I didn't know it was the beginning of the end. Justin, you were in love with my friend Kat. My only friend. So, you see, that's where the trouble began. That smile. That damned smile.
The one and only Kat moved away before the start of school. She was the kind of friend that couldn't be replaced, even by falling in love with the boy she left behind. Being Kat's boyfriend was kind of the only remarkable thing about you, but, Justin, you were my Kryptonite.
I was an office assistant third period. So I knew where you were third period. I even decided to like basketball for you, Justin. I know what you're all thinking. 'Hannah Baker is a slut.' Oops. Did you catch that? I just said 'Hannah Baker is'. Can't say that anymore. I dreamed our first kiss would take place in the park. I never told you that. The dream starts with me at the top of the rocket, holding onto the steering wheel. It's still a rocket, but every time I turn the wheel to the left or the right, the trees lift up, like they're taking flight. And I'm scared...because I don't know how to fly. But you're there at the bottom of the slide to catch me when I fall.
And that's all that happened. We kissed. Why? Did you hear something else? Nope. We just kissed. Sorry to disappoint you, but I guess now we're even. Sort of. See, I've heard so many stories about me now that I don't know which one is the most popular. But I do know which is the least popular: the truth. See, the truth isn't always the most exciting version of things...or the best, or the worst. It's somewhere in between. But it deserves to be heard and remembered. The truth will out, like someone said once. It remains.
So, thank you, Justin. Sincerely. My very first kiss was wonderful. What came after my first kiss? Not so wonderful. I'm not angry you betrayed me. I'm angry that I trusted you in the first place. A rumor based on a kiss ruined a memory that I hoped would be special. In fact, it ruined just about everything...as you'll soon see.
And stick around, Justin. I'm not through with you yet. I know you probably didn't mean to let me down. In fact, most of you listening probably had no idea what you were truly doing, but you'll find out. Turn the tape over for more.
Tape 1 - Side B
Welcome back. So glad you're still listening. Are you having fun? You must be wondering who's next, and why. Is it you? What did you do? How did you end up on these tapes? Maybe you did something cruel. Or maybe you just watched it happen. Maybe you didn't even realize you were being cruel. Maybe you didn't do anything at all. And maybe you should have. Too late. I think you know exactly what you did. And after these tapes, you'll never forget it. I know I won't. Oh, and, uh, by the way...I'm still dead.
Friendship. It's complicated. But don't worry. You won't go through this alone. That's not fun. Trust me, I've been there. Now, it won't always be easy. It might even hurt a bit. Or a bit more than a bit. That depends on you. But fear not, we'll get through this. Step by step, tape by tape. You and me. Together. And don't forget, there are others.
See, I can guarantee that one of the reasons that you're still listening is that you really want to know: who are the others? Who else is responsible for my death? Well, you're going to learn soon enough. And of course, they're going to learn about you too. If they haven't already. What? Feeling paranoid? On edge? Yeah. High school does that to a person. You never really know who you can trust. And who you can't.
Okay. Enough with the small talk. It's time to meet the star of Tape 1, Side B. So, without further ado, let me introduce my former friend. Step up, Jessica Davis. You're next.
I met Jessica a couple of weeks into sophomore year. Apparently we needed to be counselled. Do adults understand how friendships work? Mr. Porter was the replacement for Mrs. Antilly, who moved to another school district. Which, as it turns out, was very unfortunate. That's for another tape.
Thus began the story of Monet's. The story of a friendship. It was a hot chocolate friendship. Good for cold months, but maybe not good for all seasons. For a while, we were the kind of friends you wish you had. We did disgusting things like...shop together. And compare what we bought. And talk about boys.
And, just like that, two became three. And, like, before you know it, you're best friends. There was nothing two hot chocolates and Alex's coffee drink du jour couldn't fix. You need friends. Even just hot chocolate friends. Especially when your life goes to shit. Day after day, drink after drink, we lifted our mugs, and we lifted each other. In spite of our differences, we were what we each needed at that moment in time. Three drinks against the world. Two hot chocolates, and whatever the hell Alex was drinking.
I'm not great at math but here's one thing I learned for sure: one plus one plus one is not a simple equation. Alex was the first to stop coming. He found some other friends. He traded up. We were still friendly in the halls, but that's it. Then it was down to Jessica and me. But then Jessica stopped coming too. We all went our separate ways...or so I thought. It was fine, Jess. It was. You're the kind of girl that boys like to like, not spread rumors about. You're the nice girl. The kind that becomes a cheerleader.
And I knew what she wanted to talk about: Alex's list. You see, that's just how it works in high school. Boys talk, girls listen...and everything gets messed up. Or at least that's how it was with us. Right, Jess? You needed it to be my fault...so it was my fault. Friendship. It's complicated. Losing a good friend is never easy, especially when you don't understand why you lost them in the first place. Like I said...it's complicated.
Tape 2 - Side A
You've heard of the butterfly effect, right? That if a butterfly flaps its wings at just the right time in just the right place...it can cause a hurricane thousands of miles away. It's chaos theory. But, see, chaos theory isn't exactly about chaos. It's about how a tiny change in a big system can affect everything. Chaos theory. Sounds dramatic, but it's not. Ask a mathemetician. Or better yet, ask someone who's been in a hurricane.
Maybe you think I'm being silly. I'm some stupid girl who gets all worked up over a little thing. But little things matter. For instance, you never told me when you started dating Jessica. But I remember just how it ended. With your list. Alex, we haven't talked since you two got together. And then it seemed like maybe you might not be together anymore.
Is that why you did it, Alex? Maybe you say it's nothing, Alex. It's just words. Maybe, Alex...you were just being a dick. Alex, maybe you think I'm being silly, like I get my titties in a twist over the tiniest things...but you didn't walk that hall. You didn't feel those eyes on you. You've never heard those whispers.
At first I thought: 'What a stupid list'. Jessica is so much prettier than me. I didn't think of the chaos it would cause. But it was just a joke. Right, Alex? You think I'm taking it all way too seriously. But here's the thing: you've never been a girl.
You want evidence, Alex? You want storm clouds and thunder? Let's go to E3 on your maps, everyone. The Blue Spot liquor store...where butterfly met hurricane. The Blue Spot was a block and a half away from my first house here. And I went there whenever I desperately needed chocolate, which was, like, most days of the week.
It seems like nothing. Until the hurricane hits. Because when you put my name on that list, you put a target on my...Well, it wasn't just my ass. You made an open season on Hannah Baker.
The butterfly effect. It started with Justin, then on to you, Alex. And the rest of you. Maybe these tapes will start a new butterfly effect. Who knows? Everything affects everything.
Tape 2 - Side B
Shh! For this next one, you need to be very, very quiet. Because you're about to do something very wrong. Be careful. And don't get caught.
Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to watch someone? To invade someone's privacy? Do you wonder what secrets you might uncover? What skeletons you might turn up? Well, for this next one, you're about to find out. A4 on your map, kids.
Now, don't say you're too afraid, or that you don't feel comfortable doing this kind of thing because guess what? You spy on people every day. We're always watching someone, following someone, and being followed. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. They've made us a society of stalkers...and we love it. Of course, stalking someone in real life is a whole 'nother thing.
That's right. I had a stalker. And, if you've made it to A4, you're outside his window. Just like I am right now. Any guesses yet? No? Well, stay tuned to hear about the skeletons he dug up. For now, let's see if he's got any of his own. I get that it's a thrill, looking into someone's life. My heart's pounding right now. Can you hear it? Listen.
I didn't really think anything of it at first. Must have been the sound of a tree branch in the wind. But the sound followed me. I was too scared to move, even to shut the blinds. I didn't sleep much that night. You should know. But then, the pictures you took that night aren't the reason you're on this tape, are they? We're talking about one picture in particular.
So, yeah, we kind of lost track of the plan. But it was so nice having a new friend. It's hard to say exactly how things turned, but...let's just say...that night, things escalated quickly. And, while Courtney clearly didn't hear my stalker arrive, I did. Thankfully, I found a way to kill two birds with one stone.
Remember when I said you wouldn't believe the skeletons Tyler found? Turns out they weren't mine. They were Courtney's. I guess we all have secrets. And nobody likes it when their secret gets out. Funny thing is, no one ever found out it was us. That whole fall, everyone looked at that picture. I'd imagine, some boys, more than once. But no one ever knew who it was. Well, now you know.
Like I said, we're a society of stalkers. We're all guilty. We all look. We all think things we're ashamed of. The only difference is, Tyler, you got caught.
Thing is...even though Tyler stopped coming around...I never stopped feeling afraid. So what could I do after that? First the school, then my house, even my own bedroom. Nowhere was safe. You took all that away. You made me paranoid, Tyler. So now, I'm giving that to you. Maybe I'll never know why you did what you did, but I can make you understand how it felt to be me. That's why I'm outside your window, Tyler. And, after people hear this, I bet I won't be the only one.
Knock, knock, Tyler.
Tape 3 - Side A
Boys are assholes. Some are assholes all of the time. All are assholes some of the time. It's just how boys are. Well...maybe not all boys. Mostly, boys are assholes. But girls...Girls can be evil.
Courtney Crimsen. What a pretty name. And what a pretty girl. With her perfect family. Coffee together every morning. And you're also very nice, Courtney. Everyone says so. You're nice to everyone, all the time. You're one of the most popular girls in school, and you are just so nice...right? Wrong.
I hoped we could be friends, Courtney. I needed a friend. I think you did too. But you had some secrets that you wanted to keep, even from yourself. For days, after Tyler's picture went around, I tried to catch your eye. You ignored me for weeks, but I decided enough was enough. I wanted to talk to you. I mean, we were in this together...weren't we? But friends look out for each other, Courtney.
Tape 3 - Side B
How many of you remember the Oh My Dollar Valentines? Those were fun, weren't they? You fill out a survey and, for just a buck, you get the name of your one true soulmate. And hey, all proceeds go to a worthy cause: Cheer Camp. The Dollar Valentine survey was a two-parter. Describe yourself, and describe what you're looking for in someone else. And, as I filled mine out, I realized I was actually describing a certain someone.
You'd think if my answers all described one person, that person would at least appear in my Top 5. But no. I didn't match up to the one person who might really have been right. Maybe it wasn't my fault. Maybe none of us can say who we truly are. Maybe we're more than what the world sees...or less. Maybe none of us are who we see. Maybe I was stupid to keep hoping...hoping for someone great.
I always kind of liked Marcus. You always seemed like a good guy. Then again, they almost always do. Marcus, welcome to your tape. What was it? Did you want to see if the rumors were true? Or did you just want to start some new ones of your own? And I just keep thinking...If only someone else could've had me on their list. Then maybe...maybe it could have all been different.
My parents were high school sweethearts. So shoot me: I still believed in romance.
I waited for you, Marcus. And I just had to sit there wondering, imagining, playing over all the different scenarios in my mind. And, all the while, thinking that they all knew - everyone in the whole place - that I'd been stood up on Valentine's Day. I decided to give you one more chance. Stupid Hannah. And then you finally showed up. Except you weren't alone. And, again, you were funny, Marcus. And I thought maybe, just maybe, it was going to be alright.
I couldn't move. I couldn't get up and leave, or scream. Anything would have been better than sitting there thinking that, somehow, this was my fault. Thinking I'd be alone for the rest of my life. But, through it all, you want to believe there are good guys in this world. I knew there were. I believed it.
Fun fact. I did some research on tombstones the other day. Or, more specifically, on epitaphs on tombstones. The best one I could find was by this writer called Henry Charles Bukowski, Jr. On his tombstone, he has engraved a picture of a boxer. And beneath the boxer, 2 simple words: 'Don't try.' I wonder what will be on mine.
Tape 4 - Side A
You're going to tell me this one's no big deal, but let me tell you about being lonely. Humans are a social species. They rely on connections to survive. Even the most basic social interactions help keep us alive. Statistics prove the subjective feeling of loneliness can increase the likelihood of premature death by 26%. If it sounds like I'm quoting from a school textbook, I am. Too bad nobody bothered to read it. And let me tell you...there's all kinds of ways to feel lonely. I'm not talking the garden variety, 'lonely in a crowd' lonely. That's everyone, every day. And it's not that 'When will I find love?' kind of lonely. Or that 'The popular kids are mean to me' kind of lonely. The popular kids are always mean. That's how they get popular. I know - ironic. Old news. The kind of lonely I'm talking about is when you feel like you've got nothing left. Nothing. And no one. Like you're drowning, and no one will throw you a line.
Well, when the subject of this tape worked his sneaky magic...that's how I was feeling. And when you're that kind of lonely, you reach for anything - no matter how silly it might seem. And Communications Class could be supremely silly, as you know. Sometimes the silly things can mean more than anyone knows. We all need it...human contact. And, Communications Class, crazy as it was, was human contact for me...until someone in that class cut my lifeline. Someone who was known for being sweet. I'll tell you who it is. But you'll have to wait. Just like I did. I'm going to play mind games with you, just like you played with me.
It happened after Valentine's Day...when you really feel that lack of human contact. Especially when you make contact with the wrong human. That's a whole new level of lonely. But, through it all, you still wanna believe there are good guys in the world. You were kind that night. You just sat there letting me ignore you until it was almost comical. You were so sweet, just like Kat said once upon a time. So sweet. Well, welcome to your tape, Zach.
For those of you who aren't Zach, you can relax. For now, at least. As for you, Zach, I wonder if you ever felt what it's like to be lonely. Like I did that day. Is it even possible to know when you're one of the most popular jocks and not one of those kids who sits alone in the cafeteria, hiding behind a book? Have you ever noticed us?
You said something stupid, Zach, and I yelled at you. Big deal. You should have let it go, but you didn't let it go. You didn't like that someone told you no. Because guys like you get anything you want, right? Maybe you think you deserve everything you get...and more. Maybe you're just used to hearing the cheers of the crowd. Maybe you can't imagine what it feels like to be on the sidelines, Zach...like most of us are. You can't imagine why a little piece of paper could mean so much. Maybe you don't know what it's like to need a lifeline, Zach.
The day after you insulted me in the cafeteria, my compliment bag was empty. Not even a cute bunny. By the end of the second week, I knew something was up. Maybe I should have let it go, but I didn't. I wrote you a letter. I poured my heart out, opening up about personal things I hadn't had the courage to admit to anyone. How hard life was getting, how lonely I felt, and how those stupid compliments actually meant something to me...And then I set my trap.
I was hoping, once you read the letter, you'd get it. You'd realize how much I needed those silly things you were stealing from me. But I guess I wasn't even worth a reaction. Why me, Zach? Why me?
I was feeling desperate, so I texted someone I thought was a friend. I texted you, Jessica, and you said you'd come...and then you didn't. I get it, Jess. I gave you a ride home. That didn't make us friends again. So I guess I didn't have any friends at all anymore.
You had to know I wrote that note, Zach, and you said nothing. You let everyone think it was Skye. Why didn't you speak up? See, I have this theory, Zach. I have this theory that you're lonely too. Could that be possible? What kind of lonely could the great Zach Dempsey possibly feel? Maybe that kind where you think no one truly sees you. I know that kind of lonely. Do you?
No one knows what's really going on in another person's life. And you never know how what you do will affect someone else. And, if that goes for me, it must go for everyone...even cheerleaders.
Tape 4 - Side B
Some girls know all the lyrics to each other's songs. They find harmonies in their laughter. Their linked elbows echo in tune. What if I can't hum on key? What if my melodies are the ones nobody hears?
It all started because I was feeling lost. I need direction. Any direction. And, sometimes, you take whatever way out you can find. 'Dream big', they say. 'Shoot for the stars.' Then they lock us away for 12 years and tell us where to sit, when to pee, and what to think. Then we turn 18 and, even though we've never had an original thought, we have to make the most important decision of our lives. And if you don't have the money, and don't really have the grades, a lot of the decision gets made for you.
I wanted a purpose...a reason for being on this planet. But that poetry group looked like an AA meeting, or a support group. I saw no one within decades of my age...until I saw you. You were the only other high school student in the room. Ryan Shaver: Liberty High's resident intellectual, editor of Lost And Found, general selfish snob.
It must be possible to swim in the ocean of the one you love without drowning. It must be possible to swim without becoming water yourself. I keep finding stones tied to my feet.
But is that why you really did it? So you could help me touch just one person? I doubt it. People like you don't make selfless moves. You knew the shit I shared was personal. You knew where it came from, and that it would get people talking. I realize now I was desperate for someone to listen, and you listened. And you turned around and made my most private thoughts a public spectacle. So you bear your heart to one person, and everybody ends up laughing.
Sometimes the future doesn't unfold the way you think it will. Shit happens, and people suck. Maybe that's why I stopped writing, and eventually started making tapes.
Tape 5 - Side A
I've got a question for you, Justin. Not the one you think. Not yet. What's the best part of high school? The friends you make? The romance? No. We both know the best part of high school is summer break. It's the great reset button. And, after everything that happened to me sophomore year, I couldn't wait to start fresh. To tear the rest of the pages from my journal and forget it all. Except I didn't get very far. At work, my usual partner in crime was spending the summer with his Grandparents. His temporary replacement was nice enough, but entirely too normal. And I couldn't escape my past. I needed a change. I needed to be someone new. Have you ever felt like that? I wasn't going to be invisible anymore. I was going to start brand new. I was going to cut away the past and leave it all behind. I was going to work harder. Be smarter. And be stronger. Because you can't change other people, but you can change yourself.
Part of me knew I shouldn't go to Jessica's house that night. But another part of me couldn't help but wonder what...or who I might be missing out on. I thought maybe starting over didn't have to mean cutting myself off completely. Maybe I'd been hanging with the wrong people. Maybe I could start over with the right person. But, if I'd have known what was going to happen, I never would have walked through that door. I might never have walked through that door. But parties have a weird magic. They're like an alternate universe. They can make you believe that maybe anything is possible. Maybe you do fit in, after all. But she didn't. Did she, Justin? And people don't really change. Welcome to your second tape, Justin Foley.
That night, for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel invisible. I was nervous 'cause I felt so I good, and I didn't want to screw it up. I was trying to act normal, but I didn't really know how anymore. There are three stories to tell about that night. I'll tell this one first.
How did I end up in that bedroom? That's another story. But, for now, Justin, you'd been with the same girl all night. But I'm not gonna call her out by name, even though, if you were at that party, you already know. I realized two things in that moment. Number one: I was drunk. And number two: so was this girl. But I figured you'd just give up and leave her alone...At least I hoped you would. I know what you're thinking. 'Maybe if this girl hadn't had so much to drink, what happened next never would've happened.' But it was a party. Everyone had too much to drink. And besides, how can you blame someone for something that happens while they're unconscious?
I had to do something. I had to make him stop. But I couldn't get my feet to move. It was dark in there, and the music was loud but I saw his face, and I recognized his voice as clear as day...And so would all of you. But this tape isn't about him. It's about you and me, Justin. You called him a friend, but your girlfriend needed you. That girl had two chances that night, but we both let her down. How do I live with that? How do you, Justin? How does she live with what happened?
Tape 5 - Side B
Sometimes...things just happen to you. They just happen. You can't help it. But it's what you do next that counts. Not what happens, but what you decide to do about it. And I have made some very bad decisions in my life, as you know.
I told you there were more stories to tell about the night of Jessica's party, so here goes. I wanted to leave...but where would I go? And how would I get there? I was too weak to walk, or just too weak to try. And then an unlikely hero came my way. Now I wonder if we both would've been better off staying at the party. Sheri, this one's for you.
I needed to find a working phone. I wish I'd found it faster. So yeah, that's the terrible decision...but it's not the whole story.
I just needed to be alone. This was starting to be more than I could live with.
I walked by their house three times the week after Jeff died. I even got their phone number and called, and didn't leave a message. I wanted to tell them. I couldn't. I know it was guilt I was feeling, and anger. I think lots of anger. Anger at the whole fucking world and the way it works. But mostly anger at myself, for what I could have had and never would. That's terrible decision number two. That's up next. That's another sad and stupid story. There's so much wrong in the world. There's so much hurt. I couldn't take knowing I made it worse, and I couldn't take knowing it would never get any better. Tape 6 - Side A
I've told you about two of the worst decisions I ever made, and the damage left behind, and the people who got hurt. There is one more story to tell. One more bad decision. And this one's all on me. No, it wasn't the decision to go to the party, because how could I have known? But it was the same night. That same awful night. Remember that story I was saving for later? Well, this is it, and it's all about you: Clay.
Clay, I know you're asking yourself why you're on these tapes. What could you possibly have done? What else could have happened on the night of Jessica's party? Part of me was saying, "Ask me again." But part of me was saying, "Don't go, not even for Clay." I should have listened to that part of me. See, I never told you Clay, but I've always admired you. You are who you are, and you don't care. And I always cared what other people thought of me, as much as I acted like I didn't. Is that a boy/girl thing or a Clay/Hannah thing?
I bet you also wish you'd never gone to Jessica's. Right, Clay?
I'd talked to you a million times before, but tonight was different and I didn't know what to say to you. But when you finally came up to me, you knew just how to break the ice.
So, let's start with the part of the party that I left out.
At that moment, everything was perfect. And for the first time in a long time, I could imagine a future where I was happy. How good life could be. And I know you felt it too. I wanted you to do everything you were doing, so I don't know why my mind took me everywhere else. And I thought of every other guy, and they all became you.
Part of me was saying, "Please don't leave." Part of me never wanted to see you again. But you walked out the door...like I told you to. Why did you have to leave? It was the worst thing ever, and then it got worse.
Clay...Helmet, your name does not belong on this list, but you need to be here if I'm going to tell my story. If I'm going to explain why I did what I did. Because you aren't every other guy. You're different. You're good and kind and decent, and I didn't deserve to be with someone like you. I never would. I would have ruined you. It wasn't you, it was me. And everything that's happened to me.
Tape 6 - Side B
Here we are. Tape 12. If you've listened this far and you haven't heard your name, well, I bet you know exactly what's coming now. Or maybe you don't have any idea. Could that be true? Could a person be that sick? Let's find out. But first, we have to start at the beginning of the worst day of my life.
I wanted to tell Clay everything. How could I tell him anything anymore after that night at the party? It seemed like, no matter what I did, I kept letting people down. I started thinking how everyone's lives would be better without me. And what does that feel like? It feels like nothing. Like a deep, endless, always blank nothing. And for those of you who will now be looking for signs everywhere, what does it really look like? Here's the scary thing: it looks like nothing.
It wasn't a short walk. I walked forever that night, through my old neighbourhood where the houses were nicer than the one we lived in now, all the way up to the hill where the rich people live. Where you live. And, from blocks away, I heard it: the music, the murmur of voices. The siren call of a party. You'd think I'd know better than to follow that call after Jessica's party, but my feet followed it. My mind and heart were still in the big, blank nothing.
I was surprised to see Jessica at another party. But then, I was surprised to see myself at another party. And I can't explain it but, sitting there under the stars, I felt at peace for the first time in days.
The way I see it, there are two different kinds of death. If you're lucky, you live a long life, and one day your body stops working and it's over. But if you're not lucky, you die a little bit over and over, until you realize it's too late. I know some of you listening might think there's more I could have done, or should have done, but I'd lost control. And, in that moment, it felt like...it felt like I was already dead. I thought maybe I could forget about what had happened. But thanks to you, Bryce, I'd finally lived up to my reputation, and I knew there was no way I could ever live that down. But I thought at least maybe I could set the record straight. So I started making a list, trying to piece together just exactly how my life had gone so wrong, and the names that came out.
Life is unpredictable, and control is just an illusion, and sometimes all that unpredictability is overwhelming. And it makes us feel small and powerless. And once I took a look back, and I finally understood how everything happened, I decided that no one would ever hurt me again.
Tape 7 - Side A
One last try. I'm giving life one last try. I recorded twelve tapes. I started with Justin, then Jessica, who each broke my heart. Alex, Tyler, Courtney, Marcus, who each helped destroy my reputation. On through Zach and Ryan, who broke my spirit. Through tape number 12: Bryce Walker, who broke my soul. But a funny thing happened as I finished number 12. I felt something...shift. I had poured it all out. And for a minute, just a minute, I felt like maybe I could beat this. I decided to give life one more chance, but this time I was asking for help because I know I can't do it alone. I know that now. Of course, if you're listening to this, I failed. Or he failed, and my fate is sealed.
A few days after I recorded tape 12, I saw Bryce in the hallway. I thought I could never show my face at that school again. Everything was dark for days but then, just a little flash of light. A flash of light and you think maybe.
His door is closed behind me. He's not coming.
I think I've made myself very clear but no one's coming forward to stop me. Some of you care. None of you cared enough. Neither did I, and I'm sorry. So, it's the end of tape 13. There's nothing more to say.