Tomeka Prescott 1
Smarthinking Tutor Response Form
Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also
embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for choosing
Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!
Hello Tomeka! My name is Kadyann R, and I look forward to working with you on this Grammar and
Documentation Review to improve your writing today. Let's get started!
*Writing Strength:
Proper nouns, such as the outside sources, are properly capitalized consistently. Good job.
Sentence Structure:
Tomeka, I’ve noticed a few incomplete sentences or what is known as sentence fragments in your
work. Sentence fragments are incomplete sentences that don’t express a complete thought. These
sentences are usually missing a subject (what the sentence is about) or a predicate (talks about the
sentence).
For example, you wrote:
“Simply put, the main idea of the sentence (72).”
Here, you’ve seemingly cut this sentence off from another sentence. To fix this you should look around
at the surrounding sentences to see where you’ve done so. Please also see the handbook for more on
Sentence Fragments.
Grammar & Mechanics:
Tomeka, your paraphrased quotes sound like direct words from the source and so should be encased
in quotation marks. Quotation marks are most notably used to indicate to a reader that the words
being used are taken from an outside source. Errors in this use will result in issues of plagiarism.
Let’s look at what you wrote:
“According to Williams, to diagnose a sentence the writer should put a line under the first seven or
eight words in a sentence. The write should stop underling the words when they see the first verb
(73).”
Here, you’ve not managed to paraphrase properly, as the quoted words do not sound like your own.
To fix this, you must read the quote to yourself until you can put them in your own words. Or simply
indicate the direct quote with the use of quotation marks:
Example: Tim spoke of ‘wanting to see the glory of the foothills who raised me.”
Please also see the handbook for further review on Quotation Marks.
Documentation:
I am concerned that your in-text citations are not properly formatted in the MLA format. This error
also causes issues of plagiarism and will put off your readers from reading or trusting your words.
Let’s look at what you wrote:
Tomeka Prescott 2
“After the writer does this, they should follow the key points that Williams mentions. Some of the key
points are: finding all redundant pairs, then omitting them, get rid of redundant modifiers, and
redundant categories. (143).”
Documentation of in-text citations, call for the author’s last name to be mentioned at the beginning of
the citation. The citation then ends with the direct page number of the citation enclosed in brackets as
well (pg. 132).
Example:
According to Edison, “Electricity is for everyone” (pg. 21).
Please see the review on Documentation.
Summary of Next Steps:



Complete Incomplete sentences.
Make use of quotation marks in direct quotes, or properly paraphrase them.
Correctly format citations in the proper format.
Thank you for submitting your essay for a review. I enjoyed helping you with this step in the revision
process. Have a good day! Kadyann R
You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in the Smarthinking Writer's
Handbook.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below.
Thank you for submitting your work to Smarthinking! We hope to see you again soon.
Author, Joseph M. Williams, discussed two important lessons in Style: Lessons in Clarity and
Grace. The two lessons are; cohesion and coherence, and concision. Williams explains, one must know
the difference between “cohesion and coherence” (71) because the words sound alike, but they have
different meanings (71). [This sounds like a direct quote and therefore should make use of
quotation marks, as well as a proper citation format.] He states coherence means how
sentences flow (68) and concision means what sentences in a writing add up to (91). Williams explains
that a writer should try to find the main characters first, before reading the passage (73). The author,
William, in Styles: Lessons in Clarity and Grace focuses on these three terms “subjects, topics, and
Tomeka Prescott 3
coherence” (72). He states that over many years “subject” has been defined by teachers in two ways
(72). The two ways are: the “doer of the action” and the sentence main topic. Simply put, the main
idea of the sentence (72). [This sentence is incomplete and needs to express a complete
thought.] Williams discusses the subjects of sentences and claims and how claims are proved (72).
He explains an important of diagnosis and revision (73). Williams provides examples of how to
diagnose sentences and explains why a writer should diagnose a sentence (73). According to Williams,
to diagnose a sentence the writer should put a line under the first seven or eight words in a sentence.
The write should stop underling the words when they see the first verb (73).
Other than learning how to understand the difference between cohesion and coherence,
Williams explains the importance of concision. He states concision has, “style’s first grace—
compression” (127). Williams discusses the six principles of concision which are: to get rid of words
with little or no meaning, the writer should omit repetitive words with the same meanings, the writer
should get rid of words that are implemented by other words, replace a word with a phrase, should
make negatives affirmatives, and “useless adjectives and adverbs should not appear in a sentence
(127). In addition; Williams discusses that writers should avoid “redundant metadiscourse” because
too much use of metadiscourse buries the writer’s ideas (133). Another key point in the lesson about
hedges and intensifiers. Williams explains common hedges, and common intensifiers (135-136). In
addition, Williams explains that the “absent of the hedge” is the most “common intensifier” (136).
Williams states writers uses, “intensifier less often” when they are confident with their writing (137).
In conclusion, Williams explains it takes more than concision to “guarantee grace” (143). The
writing strategies about cohesion, coherence, and concision in Williams’s book, Style: Lessons in
Clarity and Grace, will help writers improve their writing style with grace. According to Williams, a
writer should focus on making a sentence as clear as possible, then they would not have to worry
much about how to avoid redundancy in writing (141). [Again, I feel as if this is directly quoted
words from the source and therefore should be enclosed in quotation marks.] After the writer
does this, they should follow the key points that Williams mentions. Some of the key points are:
finding all redundant pairs, then omitting them, get rid of redundant modifiers, and redundant
categories. (143). Williams states, to omit any unnecessary words in a sentence, and focus on the
Tomeka Prescott 4
quality of words instead of the quantity (141). When a writer implements William’s strategies they will
become a more effective writer. They will become a writer who writes with clarity and grace.
Reference:
Williams, J. M., & Bizup, J. (2014). Style: lessons in clarity and grace. Boston: Pearson.
Tomeka Prescott 5
Cohesion, Coherence, and Concision
Final Revision
Tomeka Prescott 6
Author, Joseph M. Williams, discussed two important lessons in Style: Lessons in Clarity
and Grace. The two lessons are; cohesion and coherence, and concision. Williams explains, one
must know the difference between “cohesion and coherence” (71) because the words sound
alike, but they have different meanings (71). He states coherence means how sentences flow (68)
and concision means what sentences in a writing add up to (91). Williams explains that a writer
should try to find the main characters first, before reading the passage (73). The author, William,
in Styles: Lessons in Clarity and Grace focuses on these three terms “subjects, topics, and
coherence” (72). He states that over many years “subject” has been defined by teachers in two
ways (72). The two ways are: the “doer of the action” and the sentence main topic. Simply put, a
writer should clearly state the main idea of the sentence (72). Williams discusses the subjects of
sentences and claims and how claims are proved (72). He explains an important of diagnosis and
revision (73). Williams provides examples of how to diagnose sentences and explains why a
writer should diagnose a sentence (73). According to Williams, to review a sentence for clarity
the writer should put a line under the “first seven or eight words” in a sentence. The writer
should stop underling the words when they see the first verb (73).
Other than learning how to understand the difference between cohesion and coherence
Williams explains the importance of concision. He states concision has, “style’s first grace—
compression” (127). Williams discusses the six principles of concision which are: to get rid of
words with little or no meaning, the writer should omit repetitive words with the same meanings,
the writer should get rid of words that are implemented by other words, replace a word with a
phrase, should make negatives affirmatives, and “useless adjectives and adverbs should not
appear in a sentence (127). In addition; Williams discusses that writers should avoid “redundant
Tomeka Prescott 7
metadiscourse” because too much use of metadiscourse buries the writer’s ideas (133). Another
key point in the lesson about hedges and intensifiers. Williams explains common hedges, and
common intensifiers (135-136). In addition, Williams explains that the “absent of the hedge” is
the most “common intensifier” (136). Williams states writers uses, “intensifier less often” when
they are confident with their writing (137).
In conclusion, Williams explains it takes more than concision to “guarantee grace” (143).
The writing strategies about cohesion, coherence, and concision in Williams’s book, Style:
Lessons in Clarity and Grace, will help writers improve their writing style with grace. According
to Williams, a writer should focus on making a sentence as clear as possible, then they would not
have to worry much about how to avoid redundancy in writing (141). After the writer does this,
they should follow the key points that Williams mentions. Some of the key points are: finding
all redundant pairs, then omitting them, get rid of redundant modifiers, and redundant categories.
(143). Williams states, to omit any unnecessary words in a sentence, and focus on the quality of
words instead of the quantity (141). When a writer implements William’s strategies they will
become a more effective writer. They will become a writer who writes with clarity and grace.
Tomeka Prescott 8
Reference:
Williams, J. M., & Bizup, J. (2014). Style: lessons in clarity and grace. Boston: Pearson.