It's Not Them It's You: 8 Signs that You're the Toxic One in the Relationship 1 out of every 3 young people will enter a relationship that can be classified as unhealthy or abusive. But abuse doesn’t always look like physical violence or drag out fights that end in cop cars. Sometimes, an unhealthy relationship is much quieter and more difficult to spot, than that. Every relationship has issues. There isn’t any one perfect partnership out there. But sometimes, the flaws stop just being flaws and they become elements of control and repression. And when that happens, your relationship turns into a toxic one. Sometimes, the signs of a toxic relationship can be hard to see on the inside. But if you suspect that you might be the one in the relationship who needs to work on the way they approach things, keep reading. We’re breaking down what a toxic relationship looks like, behavior by behavior. 1. You Have to Control Everything There are people out there who are natural born leaders. They’re good at being in charge and they like to know what’s going on at all times. However, in a relationship, that can start to feel overwhelming and overbearing. When your desire for control and organization turn into the need to exert power over the other half of your relationship, you’ve taken it too far. You are allowed to control the things that concern you. But when you try and turn your partner into the person you want them to be, you’re crossing the line into toxicity. 2. You Need Attention 24/7 It’s okay to need attention from your partner, that’s what relationships are for. However, whenever that healthy need for appropriate attention turns to a 24/7 desire, you’ll run into issues. It’s important that you allow your partner to nourish and care for other relationships on top of yours. When they’re out with friends or family, it doesn’t mean that they don’t want to spend that time with you. It’s just important that they foster other relationships as well. If you find that you need more attention than your partner can give, try picking up a few hobbies of your own or hanging out with some friends as well. You might be surprised at how fulfilling it can be. 3. You Snoop Through Their Things Mainstream media makes it seem normal for people to search through their spouse’s phones. However, no matter what your reasoning, it is never okay to go through anyone’s personal things without permission. Invading your partner’s privacy, even to check to see if they’re lying or being unfaithful, is controlling and manipulating behavior and there’s never any excuse for it. Looking through the public information that your partner has out there on Twitter or Facebook is fine. But if it’s private information, stay out. No matter the temptation. 4. You Bring up the Past Every Argument It’s normal for all couples to fight. But it’s important that, when you do, you keep your argument on task. Bringing up the mistakes of the past is never a good idea, especially if those issues have been resolved. People make mistakes. Bringing up those mistakes every time you’re upset or frustrated begins to feel like manipulation. If your partner’s past indiscretions are too much for you to look past, then you need to take active steps to heal or you need to leave. No one deserves to live under the shadows of their past mistakes forever. 5. You’re Concerned with Your Needs and Your Needs Only A relationship is a partnership. And as a partnership, you need to consider your partner in every move you make regarding the relationship. If the only person you ever worry about is you, your partner is going to begin to feel taken advantage of as time goes on. Without both of you putting in the effort to care about each other’s feelings, the relationship will ultimately fall apart. Your partner has needs too. Try to meet them as often as possible. 6. You Withhold Emotion Until it's Convenient When there’s a certain expectation of love and affection in a relationship, if you purposefully take that a way to get what you want, it’s manipulative. It’s okay to not feel like being touchy-feely for a while or to take a break with your sexual activity, but if you’re withholding affection and emotion to prove some kind of a point, you’re being abusive. Likewise, if you decide to bring out the tears and the emotion when it’s convenient for you, you’re a manipulator as well. 7. You Threaten to Break up Every Time You Disagree Relationships are hard. Staying together is even harder. But if you threaten to leave, or tell your partner to leave, every time you fight, you’re creating a chaotic, unsafe space in your relationship. Once you’ve said something like this, you can’t ever take it back. Don’t say it to get a reaction, don’t say it to reassure yourself that your partner is there. 8. You Don’t Know How to Apologize Learning how to apologize in a sincere way is difficult. But it’s a skill that you have to learn if you want to get anywhere in life. A good place to start practicing sincere apology is in your relationships. If you refuse to apologize for your wrongdoings, or if you can’t ever see fault in your own actions, you’re being toxic. No one is perfect and if you want to be a part of a healthy relationship, you need to own up to your shortcomings. 9. You Are Physically or Emotionally Abusive If at any point in your relationship you attempt to physically or emotionally hurt your partner, you need to take a step back and take care of yourself. There is never an excuse for physical violence or mental and emotional abuse. If you’re guilty of this, stop. 10. Your Partner Is Always Nervous Around You If you notice that your partner is always afraid or nervous around you, you need to think about why that might be. Your relationship and the place that you build up around it should be a safe and comforting space. It’s the job of both you and your partner to foster that and build it up. If you think your partner is nervous or anxious around you, take a look at what behaviors you have that might be contributing to that and try to fix them. Reading the Signs of a Toxic Relationship from the Inside It’s important that you can recognize the signs of a toxic relationship no matter what side of the fence you’re on. If you feel like you’re in a toxic relationship, you can take the appropriate steps to leave. If you are the one in the relationship who has toxic tendencies, you can get the help you need so you can make it right. If you suspect that you or someone you love needs to get help dealing with emotional or mental issues, contact us today.