FRESHWATER ESSAY FEEDBACK

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FRESHWATER ESSAY FEEDBACK
Introduction
…many developing nations don’t have the resources necessary to provide its
citizens…
Should be THEIR citizens, since it’s PLURAL.
…He does this by…
CONFUSING PRONOUN REFERENCE. Avoid using THIS for your argument. Your
paragraph has been going so well thus far! Because you use THIS, we are unsure if
THIS refers to PERSUADES THE READER in the previous sentence, or FIGHT TO
CONSERVE, also in the previous sentence. You can avoid this confusion by restating
the verb that you are referencing, for example: He persuades the reader by… I know
that it sounds redundant, but at least it’s CLEAR. Clarity trumps all else.
Overall, this is your strongest introduction, amongst the three essays that you
have submitted. It does a good job summarizing the issue; giving the basic
details; giving the outline of YOUR argument; outlining what you will do in your
essay. Try to stick to this basic model, inclusive of the order of the sentences,
and the level of detail that you provide. Do not provide too many, or too few
details.
Paragraph I
…the gravity of freshwater scarcity.
Uhhh… nice use of rhyme, I guess? But try to avoid this kind of rhyme in regular
argumentative prose, because it makes your argument hard to follow. More importantly,
how exactly is SCARCITY a GRAVE thing? See what I mean? The sentence is
confusing because SCARCITY and GRAVITY are abstract nouns, that basically imply
some sort of metaphor. You can avoid such confusion by using just one such noun, and
saying something like: the gravity of the freshwater crisis.
Overall, good argument, with not too many faults in it. Look at the last three
sentences of the paragraph, though. Do you see how the second-to-last sentence
is basically summary? Once you have started arguing, don’t lose momentum and
go back to summarizing. Give us three good argumentative sentences and make
yours a strong point.
…a serious shortage of fresh water…
Decide if you want to use freshwater or fresh water. You have been using the first
version, and that’s the version the article uses. (I checked; I originally thought it was
wrong!) But anyway: don’t revert to the other version now that you have used the first.
Be consistent.
Paragraph II
Many people have the mindset that…
This sentence is a little wordy. Get on with it! Something like Many people adopt a
defeatist mindset when considering these issues… is better.
In order to adress these doubts…
SPELLING. The verb is address.
brings forth the impacts of the 1992 Earth Summit.
We don’t use IMPACT this way. The noun is only used in the SINGULAR. And also: how
do you BRING FORTH the IMPACT of something? You can’t realistically tie these two
metaphors together, because they become confusing. Try for something simpler, like
brings forth the effects of the 1992 Earth Summit, or considers the impact of the
1992 Earth Summit.
By stating… Handwerk refutes any doubts…
Okay, so Handwerk isn’t Trump or Hitler. Only demagogues refute ALL doubts; only
crazy orators try to get rid of every iota of doubt in the mind of EVERY audience
member. To make your own argument more convincing in this regard, you need to
NUANCE your argument a little more. Try saying refutes many doubts, or most
doubts. That way, you are making a provision for the possibility that your argument
might not be entirely applicable to all readers/listeners. And making that provision
ensures that you are MORE convincing than a demagogue.
there is the potential for more progress in the future…
A little bit vague. Try for something more specific next time.
Very strong paragraph, overall. Just fix the specific issues above.
Paragraph III
compels the the reader to empathize…
Don’t forget to PROOFREAD!
…is he or she knoNs…
SLOW DOWN! And again: PROOFREAD!
… not only states statistics…
You had this somewhere else, as well. We do not generally STATE STATISTICS. We
can bring forth statistics, or use statistics or otherwise rely on statistics but we try
not to state them; the phrase is not a very strong one.
…regarding the amount of people without access…
‘People’ is not a countable noun. We don’t pour people like we do milk. So it should be
the number of people.
…brings forth powerful images…
Yes. Good use of brings forth.
Excellent use of images within your quotes, in order to convey your message.
Good choice of details, and of imagery, to ensure your point is valid. Good
paragraph structure and excellent lead-in, through your summary, to what you
want to argue. Kudos!
By showing the reader the impact lack of freshwater has on human lives…
Way too many metaphors used here. Try: avoiding either impact, or showing the
reader, or human lives. Rewrite the sentence without one of these three, and try not to
overuse impact. You really should only use it once per essay.
But otherwise, it’s a good last sentence to your paragraph, which conveys your
own argument very well.
Conclusion
there is a problem — 800 million people lack access…
PUNCTUATION. In informal speech, we often use the hyphen in this manner, but stick
to the rules for the SAT, and use the COLON instead.
dispell
SPELLING. It’s actually dispel.
…dispel any doubts about the impact of conserving water… he then brings
forth…
Okay. Please stop using impact and brings forth together. Try to avoid both, if you
can. use each of these only once per essay!
NGOs any governments…
PROOFREAD! Careful to avoid slips like this.
a clean god for the decades ahead…
PROOFREAD! What do you mean? Did you mean ‘goal’?
drinking water… a universal reality
PUNCTUATION Why the three dots?
Aside from these minute details, its actually not a bad conclusion. You tie up the
issues well and end on a strong note.
Overall Comments
- As with your other essays, you demonstrate that you know how to argue, how to
quote, and how to integrate summary and argument. However, I would still try to include
a little bit more argument, and shorten somewhat the summaries you provide. Try to go
for a minimum of THREE argumentative sentences at the end of each of the three
paragraphs; that way, you will achieve a sense of balance.
- I think that of the three essays, this is the strongest one in terms of argument, style,
quotes, and overall sense of balance. Good job on summarizing the argument; on
feeling the issue; on presenting your own point of view on it.
- Please review how to PUNCTUATE. Especially, review the different uses of COLONS
and HYPHENS, and maybe also SEMICOLONS and COMMAS.
- Please do not forget to PROOFREAD. You can save yourself from the minute spelling
and handwriting errors that can creep in just in the flurry of writing. This essay would
be an 11/12 if it weren’t for the careless mistakes. You would have scored 3.5 on
the Writing, instead of 3.
- Finally: I am assuming that all three of these essays were written in under the
time limit?
*
Writing 3
Argument 3.5
Reading 4
10.5/12
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