Triumph Over Shyness
Conquering Social Anxiety Disorder
Second Edition
Murray B. Stein, MD, MPH
John R. Walker, PhD
Anxiety Disorders Association of America
Contents
Preface
ix
Acknowledgments
xi
Part One: Understanding Shyness and Social Anxiety
Chapter 1. The Most Common Fear
1
3
Chapter 2. The Origins of Social Anxiety
19
Chapter 3. The Company That Social Anxiety Keeps
Chapter 4. You’re Never Too Young
30
40
Chapter 5. Choosing the Right Treatment
49
Part Two: Helping Yourself Overcome Shyness and Social Anxiety
Chapter 6. Four Steps to Overcoming Social Anxiety
Chapter 7. Handling Anxious Thoughts
85
Chapter 8. Taming Physical Symptoms
109
Chapter 9. Changing Your Behavior: Facing Your Fears
Chapter 10. Medications
137
Chapter 11. Helping the Shy Child
153
63
121
61
Part Three: Improving Your Relationships
Chapter 12. Polishing Your People Skills
163
164
Chapter 13. Broadening Your Circle of Friends
Chapter 14. Spicing Up Your Social Life
179
190
Chapter 15. Letting Love Find a Way: Romance
197
Epilogue: The Topography of Progress: Peaks, Plateaus, and Valleys
Afterword
216
Resources
219
References and Sources
Index
235
About the Authors
v iii
229
C onte nts
239
207
Preface
The meek shall inherit the Earth.
Psalm 37:11
Speak softly and carry a big stick.
Theodore Roosevelt
There’s nothing wrong with being shy. The world needs some quiet,
thoughtful, introspective people. People who don’t shoot (off their mouths)
first and ask questions later (or never). People who are reluctant to intrude
and careful not to offend.
So if you’re shy and proud of it, read something else. Buy this book if
you want to—the proceeds go to a worthy cause (the Anxiety Disorders
Association of America, sadly, not our retirement funds)—and give it to
someone who is bothered by social anxiety.
And there’s the rub. Many people aren’t happy about being shy. They find
it prevents them from expressing themselves, from making friends, and
from enjoying life to its fullest. For some people, shyness is a cocoon. It’s
safe and warm and quiet. But it can also be confining, dark, and lonely. If
you choose to triumph over shyness, this book will help you break free.
ix
CHAPTER 4
You’re Never
Too Young
S
evere shyness and social anxiety occur in children as well as in
adults. Remember, many adults with social anxiety disorder say their
problems began when they were much younger. Often though, their
symptoms are not recognized as problems by teachers, counselors, coaches
or, sometimes, even parents. In this chapter we’ll describe the kinds of
shyness problems kids can have, how to recognize them, and when to be
concerned.
When children are very young, shyness is often viewed as an endearing
trait, as in, “Look how shy she is, hiding her head in Mommy’s shirt. Isn’t
that cute?” When children are of preschool age, it is common for them
to exhibit shyness behaviors such as stranger anxiety (hiding, crying, or
running to Mommy when a new person enters the room), remaining very
quiet around people with whom they are not familiar, or clinging to Daddy
when in a novel situation. These kinds of behaviors are not, within reason,
abnormal in a preschooler. They are, however, very much abnormal in a
fifth-grader. One of the difficulties we experience as parents is knowing
when a child has moved from “that’s normal” terrain to “this just ain’t right”
territory. What is developmentally appropriate for a three-year-old is rarely
appropriate for an 11-year-old. But since we are so close to our children and
see them develop over a long period of time, parents often have problems
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detecting “abnormal” in their own kids. A good rule of thumb is to observe
and be aware of how your child handles social situations and friendships
compared to other children of the same age.
It may come as a shock to hear that parents are, in general, pretty lousy at
knowing what is going on in the emotional lives of their children. Studies
have shown that children and parents differ tremendously in the way they
rate their own emotions, particularly when it comes to assessing anxiety.
Parents typically know when their children are very anxious but tend to rate
them as less anxious than the children rate themselves. When children rate
themselves as moderately anxious, their parents more often than not are
oblivious to the anxiety. What is the explanation for this phenomenon?
The truth is that we are too busy making lunches and driving carpool
to notice much of what’s going on in the emotional lives of our kids. We’re
not talking about bad parents; we’re talking about very, very good parents.
Emotions are felt strongly, but they are internal states: Unless someone tells
you that she or he is anxious or uncomfortable, it can be very hard to know.
Children will sometimes tell us, though they don’t always have the words
to say it in a way that makes sense to adults. Teenagers, of course, prefer to
tell us nothing.
Physical Symptoms
Children under eight or nine are more likely to mention they are
experiencing physical symptoms than say they are anxious or afraid. Some
physical symptoms commonly experienced by socially anxious children
experience include the following:
t Stomachaches
t Queasiness or butterflies in stomach
t Nausea
t Rapid heartbeat
t Shortness of breath
t Dizziness
t Dry mouth
t Blushing
t Headaches
You’re Ne ver Too Young
41
If your child describes these symptoms in relation to social situations,
the problem may be social anxiety. For example, if your son says he has
a stomachache before he has to go to school in the morning, then social
anxiety is a possible (but not the only) culprit. Or if a child says she’s dizzy
when she needs to present an oral report in class, social anxiety should be
suspected.
Actions speak louder than words
Are there other ways to know if your child is having a problem with anxiety?
Yes, you can often infer from people’s behavior that they are anxious,
uncomfortable, or upset. In the case of social anxiety, you can learn a lot
by paying attention to what your child avoids. What kinds of situations do
kids with social anxiety try to avoid?
t Joining other children in play activities
t Speaking to adults other than close family members
t Developing friendships that are normal for the child’s age
t Speaking in class
t Making presentations
t Reading aloud
t Taking tests
t Writing on the board
t Eating in front of others
t Inviting kids over to play or going out to play with other kids
t Going to parties
t Playing sports
If your child is avoiding some of these activities, he or she may be
experiencing social anxiety. How do you know for sure? Start by asking
your child about it: “I’ve noticed you haven’t wanted to go to some of your
classmates’ birthday parties. The parties sound like a lot of fun. Is there
some reason you don’t want to go? Is there something you’re worried
about?” You can follow up with, “Sometimes kids worry that they’re going
to look silly, or that they might say something stupid, or that the other kids
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won’t like them. Are you worrying about any of those things?” You can
also talk with your child’s teacher to learn whether she or he is interacting
with other children in group situations, speaking up in class, and so on.
Younger children may not be able to describe what they are worried about.
They may just say or show you that they don’t want to do certain activities.
It is important to be aware of your child’s difficulty with extreme shyness or
social anxiety even if she is not able to describe the difficulty in words.
Selective Mutism
This is a form of social anxiety that affects some young children. Whereas
it is not unusual for a four- or five-year-old to be reluctant to speak in the
presence of strangers, particularly adults, it is not normal for a child to
say absolutely nothing over a prolonged time. We are not referring here
to children whose speech or language development is seriously delayed.
Children with selective mutism speak (and sometimes a lot!) around
their parents and siblings and maybe a close friend or two, but then are
completely silent around others such as preschool teachers and familiar
babysitters. Some of these children are experiencing problems in language
development.
Jenna: Such a sweet (quiet) little girl!
Jenna is six years old and midway through first grade, but has not
said a single word to her teacher, Ms. Tompkins, since arriving at
school. For the first few weeks, Ms. Tompkins wasn’t concerned:
Jenna was smiling and nodding a lot, and apparently understood
what was being said to her. She sat quietly in class and didn’t cause
problems. Ms. Tompkins tried to get Jenna to speak to her, but
Jenna would just nod her head and smile or frown. Ms. Tompkins
was impressed with how well Jenna communicated without words,
but was concerned about her lack of speech. She observed Jenna at
recess and noticed that she tended to stand apart from the clusters of
kids, looking as if she wanted to participate in their games but rarely
joined in. As far as Ms. Tompkins could tell, Jenna didn’t speak to
any of her classmates.
Ms. Tompkins arranged for the school counselor to assess Jenna.
The counselor had no more success than Ms. Tompkins in getting
Jenna to speak and decided to bring in Jenna’s parents. They told the
You’re Ne ver Too Young
43
counselor that Jenna was always a very shy, sensitive, but happy little
girl. Because of her shyness, they had not enrolled her in kindergarten,
so this was Jenna’s first year in a classroom. They were surprised to
learn, though, that she had been completely mute since arriving at
school. They informed Ms. Tompkins that Jenna “never shut up” at
home. In fact, they reported that Jenna came home from school every
day and regaled her parents with a report of what she did at school,
who she played with, and how much fun she was having.
Jenna’s mother mentioned that she herself had been a shy child
and also had been extremely quiet at school for the first few years.
Even now, she thought of herself as painfully shy and had struggled
with shyness throughout her life. She was eager to ensure that Jenna
did not suffer the same fate.
Children often rely on others to speak for them and make their wishes
known. (True, some of us do hire attorneys for that purpose, but we
digress…) When they are well behaved—particularly if they are girls—we
are often willing to let them remain silent and do the speaking for them.
Jenna’s selective mutism probably originated from a combination of
genetic and learned factors. Given her family history of extreme shyness,
she probably inherited a temperament that predisposed her to be socially
anxious. This genetic predisposition was then coupled with parents who—
with the best of intentions—tried to protect their daughter by enabling her
to avoid talking and mingling with other children. Their decision to have
Jenna skip kindergarten is an example of how they inadvertently deprived
Jenna of an early opportunity to overcome her fears. Fortunately, the
problem was detected early and the school counselor worked with Jenna
and her parents to help her tackle it. (We have seen cases where children
remain selectively mute for years without receiving any treatment.)
School Phobia or School Refusal
When children start school, they are often anxious when they must
separate from their parents. But when a child continues to have trouble
separating after several days of trying, further attention may be warranted.
Many children experience separation anxiety; almost all of them get over it.
But two or three in every 100 kids remain so afraid of separating that they
cry continuously when away from their parents or refuse to go to school
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altogether. This is often referred to as school phobia or school refusal.
School phobia is a misnomer. Children aren’t afraid of the school building.
In contrast, they may be afraid being separated from their parents (in
which case we speak of them as suffering from separation anxiety disorder)
or they may be afraid of being around and interacting with other people (in
which case we speak of them as suffering from, yes, social anxiety disorder).
Either fear can result in the child wanting to avoid school. We have also
seen children who developed school phobia after many years of enjoying
school. This may develop suddenly after an especially upsetting incident
at the school (such as throwing up in class, being seriously embarrassed or
teased, having an unexpected panic attack, having additional life stress at
school or at home, or being ill at school or at home). Older children may
stop attending school because they prefer to spend time with other young
people who are avoiding school to engage in other activities. The focus of
treatment differs depending on the nature of the problem. It is therefore
important to sort out the reason the child is refusing to go to school.
We want to make one additional point here: No child should be allowed
to choose not to go to school because of anxiety. If your child wants to
stay home from school because he or she is too afraid to go, you should do
two things. First, try and determine the cause of the fear. If it’s an external
factor, such as violence at school, bullying, or an abusive teacher, meet with
the principal immediately. If the problem is related to excessive anxiety
(your child has a problem with social anxiety or a related anxiety problem
or phobia), arrange to meet with the school counselor to get immediate
help for you and your child.
Second, once you are certain your child is not in any real physical danger,
send him or her back to school. Not a week later, not three days later, but
the next day! We’ll talk more about this in later chapters. But it’s such an
important principle that we wanted to bring it up here.
Implications of Social Anxiety for Children
and Adolescents
Recent national surveys find that approximately five percent of children
and adolescents in the United States have social anxiety disorder. Because
of their symptoms, most experience some type of impairment in school, at
home, and in their relationships.
Young people with social anxiety may, over time, develop related
problems. These include the following:
You’re Ne ver Too Young
45
t Loneliness. Socially anxious children tend to become isolated as they
are unable to develop a normal network of friends. Often a socially
anxious child will have one or two close friends and rely on them
for all social interactions. But families relocate, kids change schools,
and interests diverge, and it may become necessary to establish new
friendships. This is very difficult for socially anxious children, and
it tends to become more difficult as they get older. Whereas parents
can (and should) arrange play dates for their young children, this
isn’t appropriate for the middle school era and beyond. This is when
socially anxious children often get left behind. Parents may have to use
other approaches to help with the development and maintenance of
friendships at older ages.
t Low self-esteem. When we play and work with others and things go
well, we feel good about ourselves, but these opportunities are limited
for socially anxious children. Often, these children blame themselves
for the things they can’t do. They see other kids making friends and
having fun and become angry at themselves for their inability to do so.
When this goes on for a long time, low self-esteem can result.
t Reduced success in school and career. Socially anxious children may
have lower academic performance, even in the early grades. This
suggests that help with anxiety problems during the early years of
schooling may help with school performance. Later in life young
people may limit their educational and career opportunities because
of social anxiety. This also suggests the advantage of helping a child
with anxiety problems at an early age.
t Depression. Socially anxious adolescents risk developing major
depression in later adolescence or early adulthood. Depression in
children and adolescents is now recognized as a serious public health
concern and can increase the risk of suicide, which is one of the leading
causes of death among adolescents in developed countries. Loneliness
and low self-esteem—both of which may be outcomes of untreated
social anxiety—are risk factors for major depression and hence for
suicide.
t Substance misuse. Young people with extreme shyness and social
anxiety disorder are also at increased risk of smoking, excessive alcohol
use, and use of recreational drugs such as marijuana.
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When to Worry?
Is it safe to say that if neither parent nor teacher is aware of child’s social
anxiety, there probably isn’t a problem? Yes, most of the time that’s a
reasonable conclusion. Most children with social anxiety exhibit some of
the behaviors we have described. If these behaviors aren’t apparent and
your child seems to be developing normal friendships, it’s unlikely you’re
overlooking serious difficulties.
Let’s say, though, that you are concerned about the extent of your child’s
shyness. When should you worry? Answer these questions:
t Is my child avoiding social situations?
t Does my child spend too much time alone?
t Does my child express feelings of loneliness or boredom?
t Does my child have fewer friendships or less of a social life than most
other children of this age?
t Is the situation worsening or not improving?
t Are there others in the family who have (or have had) problems with
shyness or social anxiety?
If you answered yes to some of these questions, you should probably
be thinking about ways to help your child overcome his or her shyness.
Part Two of this book is devoted to self-help approaches for tackling social
anxiety; chapter 11 tells how to adjust them for children and adolescents.
However, if your child is expressing thoughts of not wanting to live or
thinking about doing something to hurt or kill him- or herself or others,
seek professional help immediately.
Do Children Grow Out of It?
Many children are shy; most will overcome their shyness with the normal
help children get from their parents and teachers without the help of a
professional. Even some severely anxious young children get better on their
own. We believe that most children grow out of their shyness because they
learn through repeated experiences that there is little need to be afraid to
speak in front of others, that it is to their advantage to express themselves,
and that it’s no fun being quiet and alone. Through everyday interactions
with peers, teachers, and other adults, their anxiety and fears dissipate.
You’re Ne ver Too Young
47
But some children don’t grow out of it. How do you know if your child
falls into this category? If there is a family history of anxiety or depression,
the risk is increased. The longer children have problems with social anxiety,
the less likely it is they will outgrow it. So if your child has had a problem
since age six and now at age ten isn’t any better—or is worse—there’s a
greater chance the problem will persist. If your child is already showing
signs of depression and low self-esteem, don’t wait to see if she or he will
outgrow it—intervene now.
As early as kindergarten or grade 1, if you feel that your child is much
more shy or fearful than other children of the same age, put some extra
effort into helping your child to overcome these problems. If you feel you
are not making progress after focusing on the problem for a reasonable
time, obtain some of the materials for parents described in the resources
section of this book. If these materials do not help you to resolve the
problem, consider getting professional help. Help is often provided though
advice to parents who can then implement these suggestions in everyday
life. Generally, the earlier the parents and child receive help, the easier it
is to overcome the problem. The bottom line is that there is no surefire
way of knowing whether your child will outgrow shyness. The best advice
we can give is to encourage social behaviors in your child. Just as most
parents want their children to learn to swim, most parents want to help
their children become socially confident. The time you spend teaching
your child these things is time well spent.
The Importance of Friendships
Whether or not your child has problems with shyness or social anxiety, an
important role for you as a parent is to help your child develop friendships
throughout his or her school years. Friendships are key to maintaining
the social contact and social support we need to thrive and stay healthy.
The skills required to develop friendships are learned early in life, and if a
child misses these opportunities it is more difficult to learn these skills later.
Success in education and work life is related to one’s ability to develop and
maintain friendships. There are many solitary activities that compete for
children’s time including television and computer games. Parents should
insure that their child also spends a reasonable amount of time outside of
school interacting with peers. If you do not live near other children, arrange
play dates and other activities to insure that your child develops friendships
and spends time with peers outside of school and organized activities.
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