My heart and stomach suddenly dropped. Tears began to pour down my face. I grabbed
ahold of my brother so tight that I probably hurt him, but he hugged me back even
tighter. I couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of my mother’s mouth, but soon
she couldn’t speak anymore and she just held us in her arms. The three of us sat there
on my bed crying, for what felt like an eternity. In reality after minutes went by, our tears
began to subside and the questions began. As my mom answered us, my mind was
somewhere else. I looked at her with a blank stare as she explained what happened. I
couldn’t bring myself to speak for I could barely breathe. In a blink of an eye my life was
forever changed. What had started as typical Wednesday morning before school, turned
into the most painful, heart-shattering day of my life and my family's. We had just lost the
most amazing, smartest, and kindhearted man; we lost our dad.
As much as I loved him, life with my dad was not easy. He struggled with alcoholism for
my entire life. My dad was in and out of every well-known rehab facility in the country
and even spent a year and a half in prison. But with every slip and fall my dad took I
never looked at him any differently. Instead I saw the amazing man that was hidden
behind years of pain, inner struggle and disease. I wasn’t going to give up on that
amazing man, and I knew he didn’t want to give up either. I never knew if I would see my
dad or even get a call from him the next day, considering he cheated death numerous
times. I was and still am so incredibly lucky to have a mother that stood by my dad until
the very end, even after their divorce when I was a child. My mom and dad met when
they were in high school. They attended the same college and later began dating, got
married, and started a family together; they were best friends. Therefore, my mom made
sure that my dad received the help he needed. She also made sure my dad was going to
see my brother and I grow up; she wanted her children to know and respect their father.
Not many people would expose their children to the emotional roller coaster of addiction,
but I’m glad she was brave enough to do so. My dad wasn’t always around, he missed
many life events, but the time we spent together was some of the best memories I have
and I will cherish them forever.
Watching my dad suffer for so many years truly broke my heart; I wanted so badly to
believe that my dad was invincible. However, after the constant struggle, countless
hospitalizations and always living in worry, I couldn’t deny reality. My dad was very sick
and it wasn’t his fault. Many people mistake substance abuse a personal choice to use
or drink excessively. However, I learned from a very young age that maybe a series of
poor decisions led my dad to turn to alcohol, but at some point in time it became a
sickness. My dad’s body couldn’t function without alcohol; it was the only thing that
eased his pain. He tried many times to quit, but it was out of his control and the
alcoholism eventually won. I truly believe that if his body let him live, he would’ve kept
fighting forever. I could see it in his eyes and feel it in his hugs that his love for my family
was unconditional. My mom would always tell me that his love for my brother and me
was something that no words could explain; it was something so powerful that it gave
him the strength to live a much longer life.
Before and especially after my father’s passing I wanted to find a way to make a
difference in the substance abuse community. I know that there are countless affected
by addiction. Not only are there individuals personally struggling with addiction, but there
are even more people affected by a loved one’s substance abuse, just like me. I saw my
father live with addiction for 16 years of my life until the day he died. I watched my dad
break down and cry; I saw his physical appearance change so much that I didn’t even
recognize him and I witnessed his pain of losing his twin brother to addiction. It was not
easy for him to leave his family for long periods of time, divorced from the love his life,
and admit to his children that he had a weakness that he couldn’t fix. Nor was it easy to
see my dad feeling so ashamed and unhappy, because to me he was an incredible
person.
On the day I found out about my dad’s passing, my brother and I both decided to go to
school. Coincidentally, that afternoon former Boston Celtics player, Chris Herren, came
to speak with my entire high school about his career-ending struggle with addiction. My
friends, my guidance counselor and many of my teachers told me that I should go home.
I could tell by the concern and worry on their faces that they didn’t want me to hear
Chris’ story. However, I didn’t go home. I was blown away with what Chris shared. He
had my entire school completely captivated; all eyes were on him. While Chris’ story was
much like my dad’s, his ability to overcome his addiction and go on to help others is truly
inspirational. As I previously mentioned, I had been eagerly searching for ways to make
a difference in the substance abuse community. That afternoon I found what I was
looking for; it was The Herren Project.
During my freshman year of college, I finally built up the courage to send an email to the
Herren Project. I shared my story and asked how I could get involved. Within a few days
Jenny Swider and The Herren Project, welcomed me with open arms. They offered me
an opportunity to design a T-shirt for their 2016 campaign and share my story.
The summer before my sophomore year was the best time of my life; my dad was sober
and my brother and I got to spend everyday with him. My mom said that the dad we got
to know and love that summer was the closest he was to the boy she met when she was
fifteen. I wish that summer never ended. Every time I rewind those memories I can
almost feel the warmth of the sun on my face and feel the joy that surrounded us. It was
truly amazing and I wouldn’t trade the time we had with my dad for anything. Thinking
back on those magical three months, I knew exactly what I wanted to do for my t-shirt
design.
My design revolves around the sun, but more specifically the sunrise. Although
extraordinary, the sunset represents something coming to an end; whereas, the sunrise
signifies the beginning of something new. I wanted my design to remain simple and hold
a deep personal meaning that others could relate to. Each day in the life of an addict
brings constant struggle. I know for my dad, getting up everyday and facing his past was
almost unbearable. But just like the sun, he was able to rise up and keep trying. As
difficult as it was, my family and I stood by my dad through it all. I reminded myself
everyday that no matter what the day brings there is always a tomorrow; that the sun will
always rise again.
When people look at this t-shirt I don’t want them to just see a simple sun graphic.
Instead, I want them to see it for what it represents. I want people, especially people
affected by substance abuse, to understand that no matter how awful the current day is,
the sun will continue to rise again, offering a new day; a new chance to make a change.
So I ask you all to please rise up, embrace what the day has to offer, make the most of
it, and remember that today is not the end.
In loving memory of Michael Reagh McGoldrick. (March 17, 1959 - May 1, 2012)
By Isabella McGoldrick