V O L U M E 3 0 N U M B E R 8 • J U L Y 2 0 1 6
A guy calls the hospital. He says,
“You gotta send help! My wife’s going into labor!”
The nurse says, “Calm down. Is this her first child?”
He says, “No! This is her husband!”
A young woman drove into the auto garage and said her first car was due for an oil change. Wanting only the best for her prized possession, she’d brought her own filter and oil.
When the mechanic crawled under the car, she watched his every move. After the old oil was drained, she said she had bought the very best product for her car after overhearing a conversation between her mother and a neighbor on the subject of oil.
With a confident smile, she handed him two bottles of Pure Extra
Virgin Olive Oil.
A dad was playing tooth fairy when his daughter suddenly woke up.
Seeing the money in his hand, she cried out, “I caught you!”
The stunned father froze and tried to think of an explanation for why he, instead of the tooth fairy, was putting the money under her pillow—but her next words let him off the hook.
“You put that money back!” she said indignantly. “The tooth fairy left that for me!”
“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” Joe asked his friend.
“He wants to be a garbageman,” he replied.
“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”
“Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.”
The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.
So he announced: “Ladies and gentlemen, today is the luckiest day of my life.” Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and said, “My daughter has finally returned my credit card to me!”
About ninety 5th graders piled into the airliner on their way home from a school trip. Once they were in the air and the crew began serving drinks, you could hear the crew pleading with the children to settle down for the sake of the other passengers.
No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until the pilot thought of the solution that actually worked.
He picked up the cockpit mic and announced, “Children, this is the captain speaking. Don’t make me stop this airplane and come back there!”
It was a sunny, Saturday morning and Joe was visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker: “Would the man on the woman’s tee please back up to the men’s tee?”
Still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption, the announcement came again:“Would the man on the women’s tee kindly back up to the men’s tee?!”
Joe had had enough. He shouted,
“Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly be quiet and let me play my second shot?!”
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Of course. The Empire State
Building can’t jump.
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A man was given the job of painting the yellow lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day, he painted six miles; the next day, three miles; the following day, less than a mile.
When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied, “I just can’t do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can.”
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A woman schoolteacher was found guilty in traffic court.
The judge rose from the bench to announce his sentence.
“Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.”
He smiled with delight. “Now, sit down at that table and write,
‘I will not run a red light’ five hundred times.”

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General George
7
Washington creates the Purple Heart,
1782
Michael
Jackson
14 takes control of the
Beatles’ publishing rights,
1985
21
Hawaii becomes the
50th U.S. state,
1959
28
Charles, Prince of
Wales, and Princess
Diana divorce,
1996
1
MTV: Music
Television goes on the air for the first time ever,
1981
Chicago Cubs
8 host the first night game in the history of Wrigley Field,
1988
15
The Woodstock festival opens in
Bethel, New York,
1969
22
The International
Red Cross is founded,
1864
29
Hurricane Katrina lands on the Gulf
Coast,
2005
Iraqi forces invade
Kuwait,
1990
2
Atomic bomb dropped on
Nagasaki, Japan,
1945
9
16
Gold is discovered in the Yukon,
1896
Fannie Farmer
23 opens a cooking school,
1902
Thurgood
Marshall is confirmed as
30
Supreme Court justice,
1967
The NBA is born,
1949
3
Smithsonian
Institution is created,
1846
10
The Double
Eagle II
17 completes the first transatlantic balloon flight,
1978
24
4
Anne Frank and her family are captured,
1944
11
The first federal civilian prisoners land at Alcatraz,
1934
Boston Celtics
18 forward Larry Bird retires,
1992
25
American
Bandstand goes national,
1957
5
12
Jack Nicklaus wins his 14th major PGA title,
1973
19
First race is held at the Indianapolis
Motor Speedway,
1909
26
Lucille Ball is born,
1911
13
Mickey Mantle dies,
1995
6
20
Viking 1 is launched to Mars,
1975
27
The volcanic island of Krakatoa near
Indonesia erupts,
1883
John Lennon’s killer is sentenced,
1981
Brooklyn
Dodgers
31 left-hander Sandy
Koufax strikes out
18 batters,
1959
The Wizard of Oz debuts,
1939
19th Amendment is adopted,
1920
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