The white space is reserved for the student. The shaded parts are for official use only
Name: Alice
Grade: 9
Essay Prompt:
“Dress for success” is a phrase all of us have heard before, but it means something different to each person.
Write an essay explaining what “dress for success” means to you.
Without using first or second person, construct an essay that includes an introduction, a thesis, supports, and
a conclusion, citing evidence from literature or other intellectual work if necessary.
Grader:
Charlie
Score: 4 out of 6
Alice, you are a good writer, but you have not really focussed on your topic here.
It’s important when you are writing to satisfy an assignment such as this to re-read the
assignment before writing every paragraph and ask yourself how this paragraph can add to the
satisfaction of the assignment’s requirements. Also, when you are finished, re-read the
assignment again and ask yourself, “Did I do what the assignment asked?” If not, go back and
rewrite until the answer is “yes.” Then, re-read your assignment again to test its readability,
and make changes to improve it.
In reviewing my input below, pay special attention to the words and phrases that I
have added. I have not done this to help you write your paper. Instead, these
interpolations add essential elements to the reasoning and statements that you have
made. They are refinements added to show you how your thoughts were incomplete,
reasoning inaccurate or illogical, and/or statements not fully thought out. Thus, by
reviewing them carefully and thinking about them in the larger context of the
sentences and paragraphs in which they occur, you will discover places in which you
Comments: used “shorthand” in writing (assuming that your reader knows what you are talking
about), faulty sentence structure, expression of incomplete thoughts, and illogical
reasoning. Thus, they require your attention. They represent an important part of
your instruction in writing rather than my gift to you in re-writing parts of your
composition for you.
Learn more about how a composition like this should be put together and “flow.” You need
to learn how to develop each part of the essay and each paragraph in the essay. For more
information on how to structure your essay and how the paragraphs should be developed and
put together, go to the two following websites:
http://www.bgsu.edu/downloads/provost/file29012.pdf Download the PDF document,
read, and keep handy for further reference. And
http://www2.ivcc.edu/rambo/eng1001/essay_organization.htm
In regard to paragraph development, “A paragraph is unified when every sentence develops
the point made in the topic sentence. It must have a single focus and it must contain no
irrelevant facts. Every sentence must contribute to the paragraph by explaining, exemplifying,
or expanding the topic sentence. In order to determine whether a paragraph is well developed
or not, ask yourself: ‘What main point am I trying to convey here?’ (topic sentence) and then
‘Does every sentence clearly relate to this idea?’” (from:
http://www.arts.uottawa.ca/writcent/hypergrammar/parunif.html )
Also, read http://www.buowl.boun.edu.tr/students/Paragraph%20Development.htm
Paragraphs and paragraph breaks: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/606/01/
Before re-writing, read carefully all the Suggested Changes below and go to the websites to
learn what you need to know. Read the Comments below and go to any websites indicated,
also. Then, you should be ready to re-write.
With your abilities in writing, combined with clarity, validity and meaningfullness of statement,
you could become a very powerful writer. But—and this is the most important thing that any
good writer learns—you must think before you write, think about what you have written, and
think about how to re-write it better.
Good luck!
First Draft:
Suggested Changes:
You have no real introduction
for your reader as to what this essay
will be about. It’s a good idea to start
your introduction off with some form
of restatement of the essay prompt for
several reasons: 1) It reminds you
what it is so that you stay focused on
it; 2) it informs the reader of what the Learn more about writing introductions at:
general subject of the essay is; and 3) http://www.unc.edu/depts/wcweb/handouts/introductions.html
http://www.crlsresearchguide.org/17_Writing_Introduction.asp
it provides the basis for the topic
sentence. In this essay, for example,
you might write: “Dress for success”
is a phrase all of us have heard
before, but it means something
different to each person. In this
essay, I will explain what “dress for
success” means to me.” As in most
cases,[I believe that] people judge first
on what they see. [How do you get
from the very general preceding
sentence to the very specific
following sentence about interviews?
That’s a big jump, and you have
provided your reader with no
transition between the to, to explain
how they are related and why in this
essay about “dress for success,” you
have decided to focus on interviews.
Thus, you need to write one or two
transitional sentences for placement
in this position in the paragraph
providing your reader with this
“Interview” for what? There are all kinds of “interviews,” but here
you are expecting your reader to read your mind to try to figure out
what kind of interviews you are talking about. Your writing must be
transitional information.] In the
self-explanatory, so, in this case, tell the reader what kind of
situation of an interview, the
interview you are talking about.
Delete unnecessary or repeated words, phrases, and punctuation
interviewer would not be pleased to see
marks highlited in red.
the interviewee dressed in casual or
“Formal attire” for men is basically a tuxedo. Do recommend that
men wear tuxedos to interviews? I think that most interviewers
even sloppy clothing for the interview.
would be quite surprised if someone wore a tuxedo to an interview.
On the other hand, one’s formal attire What you need to focus on is the idea of “appropriateness” of dress
within the context of “dress for success” at this point in the essay
would cause the interviewer to be
(not leaving it to be raised in the next paragraph), not going “over
pleased on the first sight, and to
the top” in recommending “formal attire,” which would be just as
inappropriate as casual attire.
wonder if the possibly to-be employee
The last part of this sentence really does not fit with the first. If, as
[job applicant]is very serious about
you said, “the interviewer [would be] pleased on the first sight,” why
would the interviewer, in turn, “wonder if the [job applicant]is very
taking the job. The same concept
serious about taking the job.” Re-think what you were trying to
[What “same concept” are you
communicate her and then re-write this sentence so that it makes
sense.
talking about here? In the previous
Think about what you are writing. Do you mean that the concept of
paragraph, you have said nothing
“dress for success” applies in “most other situations”? What “other
situations”?—Going to work in a coal mine? Cooking in a
about any “concept,” so what “same
restaurant? Working in a dirty warehouse? Obviously, this
concept” are you talking about here? “concept” does not apply to “most other situations,” so don’t make
such a general statement that has no validity in real life.
necessary introductory and
Your writing has to be clear and selfexplanatory, not relying on your
reader to do the writer’s job to
determine what he or she is trying to
say.] applies to most other situations.
[The last sentence of your paragraph
should sum up the content of the
introduction and prepare the reader
for the content and ideas of the
paragraphs to come.]
“Dressing for success” is how
people pick what to wear for certain
situations. Formal clothing would be
worn for a formal environment; casual
clothing would be worn for a relaxed
environment, and so on. Wearing the
appropriate outfit would be a part of
Ordinarily, slang should be avoided in formal writing, but if you do
use it, the words of phrases should be put into quotation marks.
the way towards being [could
contribute to one’s] successful; by
displaying a confident [a correctlylydressed] look for an interview, or a
This paragraph has nothing to do with the topic of “dress for
success,” so it is really irrelevant The topic here is not “dress
[“]hanging[“] with friend[s], can help for success,” but the desirability for appropriate dress for social
occasions.
ready-to-participate look when
one with their school and social life.
Dressing formally for a casual
[“]hang out[“] with friends would
cause an uncomfortable feeling between
the group and the one [person who is
inappropriately-]dressed in a serious
outfit, because the time spent is
supposed to be fun, not somber [the
occasion does not call for formal
dress]. The way one dresses should go
with the mood. If the whole group
dresses in casual attires, the whole time
they spend with each other will feel
more relaxed, and the fun they have will
lead to a better friendship.
Overall, dressing hand in hand
with the tone of the situation would be
proper for one to head on into success.
A serious style would be well-liked in a
formal situation, but a sloppy style
would be frowned upon in the same
situation. The consequences, whether
good or bad, can be influenced by one’s
choice of dress.
Grader:
What does “hand-in-hand” mean, and how does one dress “hand-inhand”?
The “tone of” what “situation”? You are leaving your reader to
guess what you are talking about here because you are not being
specific. What “situation” or “situations” are you talking about here.
Say what you are talking about, don’t leave it to your reader to try to
figure out what you are trying to communicate.
What does this mean? It is very awkwardly stated and unclear in its
meaning in regard to the previous parts of the sentence.
What is “a serious style”? You have said nothing about “serious
style” anywhere in the essay. What are you talking about here?
Your conclusion has nothing to do with and says nothing about
“dress for success,” so you have got completely of your topic and, at
the end of your essay, you are writing about something completely
different from what you started with. When you have re-written
your essay, you will have to completely re-write your conclusion.
Learn more about writing conclusions at: Conclusions to
argumentative essays:
http://www.ltn.lv/~markir/essaywriting/conclude.htm
http://www.unc.edu/depts/wcweb/handouts/conclusions.html
http://www.ehow.com/how_2303282_write-conclusion.html &
videos
Conclusions Final Sentences: http://www.wikihow.com/Write-theLast-Sentence-in-a-Paper
Charlie
Score: 5 out of 6
Alice, you are a good writer, but you need to learn more about writing
persuasive/argumentative essays. You have a problem below, in addition, to the textual
problems that I pointed out, in recognizing that just repeating your thesis statement (People
should dress for success) in different ways and without any real evidence or argumentation is
not very effective of convincing. Learn more about writing persuasive/argumentative essays:
Comments:
Argument: http://www.unc.edu/depts/wcweb/handouts/argument.html
How to write an argumentative essay:
http://homeworktips.about.com/od/essaywriting/a/argument.htm
http://web.ceu.hu/writing/argue.htm
http://www.rscc.cc.tn.us/owl&writingcenter/OWL/Argument.html
http://www.writefix.com/argument/
http://www.english-magazine.org/index.php/english-language/899-essay-writing.html
Conclusions to argumentative essays:
http://www.ltn.lv/~markir/essaywriting/conclude.htm
http://www.roanestate.edu/owl&writingcenter/OWL/Argument.html
Types of evidence for argumentative papers:
http://valenciacc.edu/wp/cssc/documents/TypesofEvidenceinPersuasiveFINAL.pdf
http://www.fx-labs.com/argue/types.html
http://www.facstaff.bucknell.edu/awolaver/term1.htm
I can see that you have the intelligence, understanding, and ability to learn what you need to
know—not only to improve this essay substantially, but also to improve the quality of your
writing as a whole.
Good luck!
Second Draft:
Suggested Changes:
“Dress for success” is a phrase
all of us have heard before, but it
means something different to each
Delete unnecessary or repeated words, phrases, and punctuation
marks highlited in red.
what “dress for success” means to
“Judge” what? As important as how people judge is the thing that
me.”
they are passing judgment on, so without focusing on a particular
I believe that people judge first matter, this statement is essentially meaningless because it refers to
nothing in particular.
on what they see. However, the way
person. In this essay, I will explain
people judge matters [depends] on the
situation that the person is in [and the
matter that they are considering
passing judgment on]. In the
situation of an interview for a highly
rated job, the interviewer would not be
This is a stange statement to make. Why is it that “dressing
appropriately for the situation” (the job interview) “would cause the
in casual or sloppy clothing for the
interviewer to wonder if the job applicant is very serious about
interview. On the other hand, dressing taking the job”? This statement makes no sense, and you do not
even try to make it make sense because you do not explain it, but
appropriately for the situation would
just drop it and go on. So, in a sense, you have sabatoged your
cause the interviewer to wonder if the argument because when a reader is going along and reading your
argument, then runs into this statement, and discovers that the
pleased to see the interviewee dressed
job applicant is very serious about
writer has lost contact with the meaning and direction of her
argument, they just stop reading.
taking the job. This concept that
So far in this essay, you have said nothing about any “concept” in
dressing appropriately for the right
regard to dressing appropriately for the situation, you have only
written about a job interviewee and a job interview. So, saying here
situation leads to success is also
that, “This concept that dressing appropriately for the… occasion,”
applicable in many other situations.
in effect changes the topic of the paragrap in the last paragraph.
What do you mean “right situation”? Do you also have a “concept”
in regard to dressing approriately for the “wrong” situation? What is
[Always indent the first line of all
a “right situation.” How does one determine what situation is a
“right situation”? This phrase does not make any sense.
paragraphs at least 5 spaces.]
“Dressing for success” is not “how people pick…” “Dressing for
“Dressing for success” is how people success” is a policy or criteria that one my adhere to or believe in to
determine their behavior in regard to personal apparel. So, you have
pick what to wear for certain situations.
used a form of “shorthand” in you writing rather than describing the
Formal clothing would be worn for a situation that you are talking about in clear and accurate terms.
On’t use the verb forms that use the word “would” for
formal environment [occasion]; casual
circumstances that you are trying to describe as factual because
clothing would be worn for a relaxed “would” suggests the idea “might.” So, to say, “casual clothing
would be worn for …” is saying, “casual clothing might be worn
environment, and so on. Wearing the
for…” which is not a very affirmative statement. Use the simple
appropriate outfit could contribute to verb form expressing certainty instead of the “would” forms: In this
case “should be.”
one’s success in their social life by
What does “and so on” refer to? Don’t use such phrases or
displaying a correctly-dressed look look abbreviations as this, such as “etc.”
for an interview, or a ready-toparticipate look when “hanging” with
friends.
Dressing formally for a
casual[ly] “hanging” with friends would
cause an uncomfortable feeling between
the group and the person who is
inappropriately-dressed because the
What “mood”? You have said nothing about “mood” in regard to
occasion does not call for formal dress. dressing before this, so this idea comes completely “out of the blue,”
and is unrelated to anything you’ve said before. What “mood”?
The way one dresses should go with the
Whose “mood.” So, if my “mood” is formal, it is OK for me to
mood. If the whole group dresses in
wear formal attire to a casual occasion?
Do you mean that if a person is inappropriately dressed for a casual
casual attire, the whole time they spend occasion, he or she won’t have any “fun,” and that the quality of his
or her friendships will suffer or deteriorate? What is your
with each other will feel more relaxed,
justification to make such an assertion? The end of this statement
and the fun they have will lead to a
doesn’t really make sense.
better friendship.
Overall, dressing according in a
Re-read this sentence. You left something important out or tried to
time which would allow one’s choice of get too much into it, but it simply does not make sense.
dress a factor for success would be the
first step into. An article of clothing
This second sentence doesn’t really make any sense either. Re-read
it. Always carefully re-read your sentences and essays before you
that shows one’s dedication to the
submit them to catch incoherent or confused sentences, like these
situation would be well-liked in a formal two. Learn to proofread your work. This will eliminate a lot of
problems like repetitions of words or phrases, wrong words, left out
situation, and could lead one to a
words, mistaken punctuation, etc. Always use SpellCheck. It won’t
positive approval and in turn, success. catch everything, but you might also learn something from it. Go to
the following websites to learn how to proofread:
However, a sloppy style in the same
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/561/01/ and
situation would be frowned upon. I
http://www.indiana.edu/~wts/pamphlets/proofing_grammar.shtml
This is your opinion, but you have offered no evidence for your
believe that the way one dresses in
opinion; you have only repeated something like your thesis
accordance to the accepted way one
statement in regard to dressing for success several times in the
course of the essay.
should dress in that situation leads one
to success in many parts of their lives.