YOU ASKED FOR IT
an original play by David Evan Berkowitz
Setting
The action takes place in a suite of dorms in Eddingsburg University, located in upstate
New York. The play starts early in the fall semester, in the late 1990s.
ACT ONE
Scene One
The stage is divided in thirds, with some additional space up front. The thirds represent
the two dorm rooms and common area comprising Suite 114 of Rockefeller Hall.
Stage left is 114A, the room belonging to HOWARD WYMAN and SVEN
PAISANOVICH. HOWARD acts like an old man, often irrational, and seems like he might fit
in more in a retirement colony in Boca more than the dorms. His side is rather sparse and a bit
dissheveled, but he doesn’t have all that much stuff to mess up. He has his IBM desktop
computer and a poster of Bill Gates, but little else. On the right side of the room, SVEN’s walls
are plastered with posters of metal and alternative bands, as well as a large ad for condoms.
He’s an outright slob, with food left out on his desk, clothes on the floor, but not a book to be
found. In each room, students have a desk, chair, dresser, and bed, and it’s all fairly cramped.
Cross over to stage right, where KEVIN FEINGOLD and YEHUDA GABRIEL reside
in 114B. KEVIN, too wise-assed for his own good, lives on the left side of the room which is
completely cluttered. He’s a mess, but not a slob. He has books by his bed, clothes slung over
his chair, a computer taking up too much space on his desk, and posters of dark comedy films on
his walls. YEHUDA, on the other hand, is neat to the point of anal. Every item on his desk,
including his laptop computer, his lamp, and notebooks, is at right angles to everything else. If
a wrinkle appears in his bed, he straightens it. He has bottles of hair gel on his dresser
arranged in height order, and the same principle goes for his books. When frustrated, he tries
to arrange his roommate’s belongings, but KEVIN responds by putting something of
YEHUDA’s out of order. YEHUDA’s passion for cleanliness is just one of his driving forces,
as he’s very intense in everything he does, be it athletics, relationships, or academics.
Between the two rooms is a common area, which along with some cheap lounge
furniture, has the only entrance to the suite. The entrance is dead center along the rear wall,
and both dorm rooms have entrances facing the suite. The space in front of the suite is used for
any other locations needed.
Lights open on the common area, with HOWARD and KEVIN in their rooms in
darkness. HOWARD is playing a game on the computer, while KEVIN is mindlessly
highlighting a textbook. YEHUDA enters, quickly arranges the common area’s furniture a bit,
looks it over as if to say “good enough,” and enters his room, where he proceeds to remove his
jacket, hang it neatly, and hunt for dust.
YEHUDA: Any messages?
KEVIN: There’s one from Arielle on voice mail. She said she’s sorry about the “vacuum
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incident.”
YEHUDA (laughing): She apologizes too much. That’s her only fault. Can you possibly find
anything else wrong with her?
KEVIN: Not in the slightest.
YEHUDA: Is she not the cutest thing you’ve ever seen?
KEVIN (sarcastically): Couldn’t be cuter.
YEHUDA: And those eyes!
KEVIN: Yeah, gotta love the eyes.
YEHUDA: And a bright girl too.
KEVIN: Well, I thought so. Then she started dating you.
YEHUDA: You should be so fortunate as to find someone like that.
KEVIN: Tell me about it.
YEHUDA: So what ever happened to, wait, what’s her name?
KEVIN: Rebecca?
YEHUDA: Was she the most recent?
KEVIN: The most recent no-go. But this one was going to happen. Her friends thought so.
My friends thought so. Her parents had already booked the Fountainhead for five years from
June. And then Dom came along.
YEHUDA: Dom’s not exactly the name of a nice, Jewish boy.
KEVIN: That’s what gets me. I mean, come on, if only they had the sense to stay within the
religion, then maybe I’d have a chance. But behind my back, out of nowhere, next thing I know
Dom’s lying in her bed.
YEHUDA: It’s not exactly as if you two were going out.
KEVIN: Close enough.
YEHUDA: Dom’s not exactly the most attractive thing I’ve ever seen. Kind of has the face of a
warthog.
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KEVIN: You’re not helping here.
YEHUDA: And he does that snorting thing.
KEVIN: I get the point.
YEHUDA: You should have said something to her.
This is too much for KEVIN, who gives the expression of, “OF COURSE, YOU IDIOT,
DON’T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT?” and crosses over to HOWARD’s room. Lights fade on
114B and go up on 114A. HOWARD is engrossed in his computer game.
KEVIN: Howard! (Howard gives no reaction.) You there? Wait, is this Howard Wyman’s
room, 114B, Rockefeller Hall...
(Howard jumps up startled.)
HOWARD: What did Yehuda do this time?
KEVIN: What do you mean, what did Yehuda do?
HOWARD: You never pay social calls without a reason. If it’s not Yehuda, then you’re trying
to get me to go to the hall meeting, or write an article for the school paper.
KEVIN: Great, soon I’m going to have to try to speak to Sven. Where is he anyway?
HOWARD: Wednesday night, and you’re asking me where Sven is?
KEVIN: Gotcha. So, how’ve you been?
HOWARD: Completely hopeless.
KEVIN: So what else is new?
HOWARD: Okay, maybe it’s not that bad. Things aren’t going well with one, I move on down
the list. I always have the list.
KEVIN: Who’s currently on the list?
HOWARD: Well, Lana just got crossed off. Did I cross her off yet? (He pulls a piece of
notebook paper out of his desk drawer with a list of names on it; the first few names are
crossed off.)
KEVIN: You have an actual list?
HOWARD: Of course. How else would I keep them straight?
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KEVIN: Mind if I take a look at this list?
HOWARD: How about instead, I promise to give you the play by play.
KEVIN: It’s not my place to pry.
HOWARD: You know what my problem is?
KEVIN (aside): You’re a clueless shmuck who misinterprets every last word out of a girl’s
mouth?
HOWARD: What was that?
KEVIN: Um, nothing.
HOWARD: My problem is that I’m too picky. I keep limiting myself. Oh, this girl’s too much
of a JAP, this girl’s too short, I don’t like that one’s shoes. I shouldn’t be so selective. Then,
maybe things will work out.
KEVIN (eyeing the list): Yeah, you’re definitely way too picky.
HOWARD: Hey, don’t get me wrong. I’ve rejected my share of women.
KEVIN: Haven’t we all.
HOWARD: That’s right! I’ve had to turn my share away.
(The cordless phone rings in 114B, YEHUDA answers it.)
KEVIN: So what happened with Lana?
HOWARD: You’ll never believe this.
(YEHUDA enters.)
YEHUDA: Kevin, phone.
KEVIN: Do you know who it is?
YEHUDA: Sounds like your mother.
HOWARD: I’ll fill you in later.
KEVIN: I’m sure you will. (He takes the phone. YEHUDA returns to his room, HOWARD
gets back to his computer program, and KEVIN goes in the common area to speak. Lights out
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on 114A and up on the common area.) Hello, mom?... Oh, sorry Liz.... yeah, my roommate was
just messin’ with me.... She does that to you too? How do you like that.... Yeah, I’m already
halfway through with it.... Sure I can. When are you free?... Works for me. I’ll be right over!...
Oh, you bet!... Okay, see you in a few. Goodbye. (After another pause, he hangs up.) Liz...
hmm... (Lights go up on 114B as KEVIN rushes in, throws the phone to YEHUDA, then grabs a
few books from the floor and a jacket from his chair, checks himself in the mirror, quickly
straightens himself up, then darts for the door. Liz... I’ve always liked that name.
Blackout.
Scene Two
Liz’s room, upstage left. Just a bed and a chair. LIZ, clad in a t-shirt and gray
sweatpants, is cute, easy-going, and down-to-earth. She is sitting on her bed with a few
textbooks open as she desperately tries writing her essay. A knock his heard.
LIZ: Come in!
KEVIN (off-stage): It’s me, Kevin.
LIZ: I know! I said come in!
KEVIN (entering): Oh, right.
LIZ: That’s so nice of you to come on such short notice.
KEVIN: A friend in need is a friend indeed. (Aside) Idiot! First on the phone it’s “You bet!”
Now I’m stealing cliches from Mister Rogers. (To LIZ) I mean, I hope I can help.
LIZ: Do you have an opening line?
KEVIN: (Aside) Okay, how bout, Why don’t we go back to my place and slip into something
more comfortable? (To LIZ) Oh, for the essay? Yeah, you could say that.
LIZ: Then you’ve got a thousand times more than I do. Have a seat.
KEVIN: A seat. Good idea. Your hospitality is appreciated. (Aside) Think you’re Prince
Charles or something? Dammit, Kevin, you’re not a normal human being, but for once in your
life, if you’re going to try to preserve and pass on your own genetic material, can’t you just
pretend?! (He removes his jacket, places it neatly on the back of her chair, and sits. But before
he sits, the jacket falls off, and he goes through the motion again. It falls again, and he keeps
fumbling with it.)
LIZ: Would you like me to hang that for you?
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KEVIN (embarrassed): Oh, this?
LIZ: No, your textbooks.
KEVIN: Right. My jacket. Yeah, maybe that would be a better idea. Thank you.
LIZ (smiling): No problem. (As she takes his jacket and “hangs it” off stage, KEVIN looks her
over, grinning.... She reenters) So, like how it looks?
KEVIN: What?
LIZ: My room. Like what I’ve done with the place? (She sits back on the bed.)
KEVIN (surveying the room): Oh, love it. And that space saving deal by actually sticking the
TV in the mini-fridge works wonders for the place. I should try making my microwave double
as a desk organizer.
LIZ (laughing): That would be a hot item.
KEVIN: You certainly are, I mean, yes it would.
LIZ: You okay?
KEVIN: Just had a lot on my mind lately. (He looks her over again.)
LIZ: Anything you want to get off your chest?
KEVIN: Your chest? No, maybe we should get some work done first, I mean, what part are you
having trouble with?
LIZ: I just can’t seem to get this started.
KEVIN: Can I have a look at what you’ve got so far?
LIZ: Would you? (She clears a few things off her bed, giving him room to sit beside her.)
KEVIN: I’d love to. (He starts to reach for the paper, then realizes he can’t reach it.) Oh, you
mean with you?
LIZ: You sure you’re okay?
KEVIN: Never felt better before in my life.
LIZ: Because if now’s not good for you-6
KEVIN: Now’s great for me. No time like the present, right? (Aside) Children, remember our
lesson for the day. There’s no time like the present. Love your neighbor like you love
yourself. Don’t do drugs unless mommy says it’s okay.
LIZ: Then come on, there’s plenty of room. (Kevin looks at her, straightens his shirt a bit, and
then joins her on the bed.) I just can’t seem to get my juices flowing. (Kevin’s eyes open wide,
then he slaps himself without her noticing.)
KEVIN: Maybe I can help.
LIZ: That’s why you’re here, right?
KEVIN: I’m here for whatever you need me for.
LIZ (hands him the paper, then waits a few seconds): What do you think?
KEVIN: It’s-LIZ: Awful, I know.
KEVIN: Let me guess. You think it’s the worst thing you’ve ever written. You think it lacks
substance. You think it’s flat out stupid.
LIZ: Is it really that bad?
KEVIN: No, you’re all wrong. I was just saying that cause all women think alike.
LIZ: What?
KEVIN: Scratch that. (LIZ, grinning, scratches his back.) A little lower (she complies)... a
little lower... perfect. (They laugh.)
LIZ: Really, what do you think?
KEVIN: Much more eloquent than I could have put it. Needs a few commas here and there,
there’s a couple redundancies, otherwise I have no idea what I’m doing here, when maybe I
should have been calling you for help.
LIZ: You’re lying. Be honest.
KEVIN: Why would I lie to you? (Aside) Because you’re absolutely delicious, you’re turning
me on, and how I’d love it if it didn’t take some textbooks to get me into bed with you.
LIZ: You’re not just saying that?
KEVIN: Trust me, I’ve torn people’s papers apart. (Aside) Granted, she was 200 pounds and
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had facial hair. (To LIZ) So how about this. I’ll stay here, be your little security blanket, and
you can suck my thumb, I mean, I’ll stay till you’re done.
LIZ: You mean it?
KEVIN: Absolutely.
LIZ: I don’t know how I could make it up to you. (KEVIN opens his mouth as if to say
something, stops himself, gives a devilish smile, and...)
Blackout.
Scene Three
It’s later that night. Lights up on all of Suite 114. HOWARD is reviewing his list in his
room, KEVIN is lounging in the suite, ignoring the textbook he’s supposed to be reading, and
YEHUDA is feverishly at work in his room. SVEN, with a noticeable Russian accent and
wearing the loudest, trendiest brand-names in current fashion, enters alone. YEHUDA, upon
hearing the door open, rushes into the common area, smirking, and HOWARD turns his head to
the door.
KEVIN: Sven, you’re back early tonight.
YEHUDA: Where’d you go?
SVEN: I went out to get some pussy.
HOWARD: (in mocking tone) Bring any home for me?
SVEN: Not happening tonight. Shut the fuck up.
KEVIN: I thought you-SVEN: The women, they’re all tight tonight. Stuck up bitches you wouldn’t want have anything
to do with. Tomorrow night, I find better pussy.
YEHUDA: I hear the kind with four legs are easier.
SVEN: Shut the fuck up, you hear me? I say shut the fuck up. I get more pussy than you.
KEVIN: You don’t say that to Yehuda. To me, maybe. To Howard, definitely. But you don’t
say that to Yehuda. You meet his woman yet?
SVEN: Shut the fuck up. What the fuck you talking about.
YEHUDA: He has yet to meet Arielle. I’ll
make sure to bring her by when she comes
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over.
SVEN: Not surprised. A guy who’s haircut looks like a scrotum gets himself some pussy. But
I no like you’re kind of pussy.
HOWARD: Yehuda’s got good taste, give him that much.
SVEN: I no give him nothing. Shut the fuck up. Tomorrow night, I go out to get some pussy, I
come back with the finest you ever seen in your life.
KEVIN: I’ll ready the litter box. (SVEN, not getting the joke, puts on his headphones, lies
down on his bed, pulls out a Playboy, and ignores everyone else. HOWARD, disgusted by both
SVEN’s actions and his smell, grabs his list and heads out into the suite. Blackout 114A.)
YEHUDA: So, how’s mom?
KEVIN: There I am, having an incredible time. I mean, every line she says is luring me in that
much closer. She has me sit on her bed, she scratches my back, she gets giddy and grabs my
hand, not letting go for some time. I’m thinking, Kev, considering you’re one big fuck-up,
maybe things are finally happening for you. Look at this, you’re babbling on like a moron,
prying one foot out of your mouth only to stick another in, and she’s finding it cute, no,
irresistible. Have you seen her? Howard, you know who I’m talking about? This girl Liz,
lives the next building over. The whole time, I’m drooling over her, and she seems to overlook
it, or maybe she just doesn’t realize. In any case, I’m thinking I’m home free. And while I’m
in this little daze, thinking how damn good everything is going, how it can’t get any worse, she
says my name. And without thinking, I said, “What is it, mother?” And that’s it. I’m frozen,
paralyzed, I can’t even look at her, because she sounds exactly like my mother. So I try to turn
my head to look at her, realize she doesn’t look like mom, she sure doesn’t act like mom-YEHUDA (hysterical from the story): I’d hope not.
KEVIN: Right, and, great, I can’t remember what I was saying. But Yehuda, in your sleep, I’m
going to kill you. I’ll shove one of your freakin’ Titlists down your throat, tell the cops you
were trying to do this trick where you swallow a golf ball and failed miserably, and your whole
face turning blue, well, I thought it was part of the act.
HOWARD: You’ve really thought this out?
KEVIN: No, it’s just coming to me, but it sounds good, so I’m going with it.
HOWARD: Yehuda, hide your Titlists.
YEHUDA: Come on, she doesn’t sound like your mother. I completely misjudged. Oh, that
reminds me, your mother left a message on voice mail.
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KEVIN: Are you sure it wasn’t LIZ?
YEHUDA: Could have been, but she called while you were at Liz’s, so I just concluded it was
your mom.
KEVIN: You’re going to die, you know that.
YEHUDA: Then who’s going to vacuum the room?
KEVIN: You never did tell me what the vacuum incident was.
HOWARD: The vacuum incident?
KEVIN: Something with his girlfriend.
YEHUDA: Oh, that, well, if you must know... (he raises his shirt half-way, revealing a red ring,
about an inch and a half in diameter, on his stomach).
HOWARD: Do we really want an explanation?
KEVIN: She wasn’t going for something else-YEHUDA: NO! Oh, I shouldn’t have said anything.
KEVIN: You didn’t, I did.
YEHUDA: In that case, I know I’m never going to live this down, but I was over there earlier
today, and she happened to be vacuuming at the time-KEVIN: Howard, I’ve never seen a more perfect match.
YEHUDA: Anyway, she comes to give me a hug, but she forgot she was holding the hose, so she
rams it right into me, like she was jousting.
HOWARD: Ouch.
YEHUDA: It was sweet, really. And she’s calling me every half hour to apologize.
KEVIN: Why didn’t you go over there, so you could kiss and make up?
YEHUDA: She’s got a test tomorrow and a paper due Friday, so I wanted to let her study.
KEVIN: A cleaning lady and a gentleman.
HOWARD: Don’t mock him. (Then signaling to SVEN) You could have comrade Cassanova
over there.
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YEHUDA: Ten bucks says he’s gay.
HOWARD: I’d bet against you solely because I’d have nightmares if that’s true. There’s no
chance I’m ever getting any sleep tonight. Thanks, Yehuda.
ARIELLE comes to the door, sees everyone’s up and about, and enters.
YEHUDA: Arielle!
ARIELLE: Hi! Kev, Howard, nice to see you.
YEHUDA: What about your work?
ARIELLE: Finished ahead of time. Mind if I come in?
YEHUDA (eyeing KEVIN): Please do.
ARIELLE (as they head into 114B): I’m so sorry... (She closes the door. Blackout 114B.)
KEVIN: It looks like none of us are getting any sleep tonight.
HOWARD: Except Sven.
KEVIN: Great. Sven’s got sleep, Yehuda’s got pussy, and where does that leave us?
HOWARD: I’ve got my list.
KEVIN: And that leaves me with?
HOWARD: Thoughts of Laura.
KEVIN: Laura’s my mother’s name!
HOWARD: Liz! Liz! I said Liz!
KEVIN: Tonight, you sleep, you die.
Blackout.
Scene Four
Upstage center, the following evening, HOWARD is sitting at a table in the dining hall
with a tray of food in front of him and a very full plate. He keeps looking around, as if he’s
expecting someone to join him. Finally, he sees her stage right and waves her down. GINA,
rather plain looking, enters with a tray of food. She sees the empty chair next to him, thinks it’s
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a bit too close, and pulls it further off to the side before sitting.
HOWARD: Thought I lost you there for a second.
GINA: No. Just the sandwich guy was taking forever tonight.
HOWARD: Yeah. So, Gina, you like sandwiches?
GINA: No.
HOWARD: Huh?
GINA: It’s a joke. I’m eating a sandwich, aren’t I?
HOWARD: Well I’m eating my foot. That doesn’t mean I like it.
GINA: Huh?
HOWARD: A joke.
GINA: Not very funny.
HOWARD: Ouch.
GINA: You hurt yourself?
HOWARD: Nevermind.
GINA: Oh. (The two go back to eating, each one alternately looking at the other as if the other
one is absolutely nuts.)
HOWARD: What did you think of class today?
GINA: I didn’t go.
HOWARD: Oh, that’s right. The professor called your name and no one answered.
GINA: That’s generally how it works.
HOWARD: Yeah, I guess you’re right. But you were there Tuesday.
GINA: Of course I was there Tuesday. And Tuesday you asked if I’d join you for dinner that
night, and I said I couldn’t make it. So you asked about Wednesday, and I said I was busy.
Then you asked about tonight, and I said fine, so I asked where you were planning on eating, and
you said the dining hall, and that’s why I’m eating a cardboard sandwich with lettuce and
tomatoes that should have been thrown out two days ago but they help hide the taste of the
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Grade-D turkey, and this is instead of going somewhere with food that normal humans could
ingest.
HOWARD: So you’re saying you don’t like sandwiches.
GINA: I don’t like these sandwiches.
HOWARD: Then why are you eating one?
GINA: You don’t get out much, do you?
HOWARD: No, I don’t have a car.
GINA: Have your license?
HOWARD: Um, I-GINA: Failed your road test.
HOWARD: How’d you guess?
GINA: How many times?
HOWARD: Three or four.
GINA: Fifth time’s a charm.
HOWARD: I thought the saying went, “Third time’s a charm.”
GINA: I just rewrote it.
HOWARD: I like that.
GINA: Thanks. (She starts looking for an exit, some way to leave). Is it 7 yet?
HOWARD: Not even 6:30.
GINA. Oh. Really? Oh.
HOWARD: Why, did you have to be somewhere?
GINA: Well, I’m, I’m expecting a call from my mother at 7. (HOWARD laughs.) What’s so
funny?
HOWARD: Oh, just my suitemate gave my other suitemate an Oedipus Complex over something
like that.
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GINA: That’s not funny.
HOWARD (now laughing maniacally): What do you mean, that’s not funny? It’s hysterical!
Kevin gets this call from a girl, and Yehuda thinks it’s his mother, and now Kevin can’t think of
this girl without thinking about-GINA: MY BROTHER HAS AN OEDIPUS COMPLEX! (Breaking down in tears) He’s been
seeing psychiatrists for eight years. He’s even come on to me! You name an inappropriate
love object, he’s had it. Relatives, shoes, felafel, rosary beads, the last three the shrink used just
to try and wean him off of the first. My brother will never have a normal relationship for as
long as he lives!
HOWARD: And at this rate, neither will I.
GINA: What did you say?
HOWARD: I mean, I thought you were a candidate. But I’ll never be able to go with you to a
Mediterranean restaurant without wondering exactly what’s making you salivate.
GINA: INSENSITIVE BASTARD! First of all, it’s my brother, not me.
HOWARD: And you can take the other reasons and shove `em up your ass. Wow! I’ve always
wanted to say that. (GINA, however, is not amused. She takes her fork and tries to stab him,
but HOWARD blocks her with his tray, as he spills his food all over himself. Even more
frustrated, GINA slams her sandwich into his face, knocks over the table, kicks over her chair,
and storms out. HOWARD, first shocked, then laughing, picks up the table, brushes himself off
a bit, pulls “The List” and a pen from his pocket, sets it on the table, and crosses off her name.)
So who’s next...
Dimout.
Scene Five
It’s Friday afternoon. Lights open on 114A and B, with each character engaging in
their normal activity.
YEHUDA: Got to love women.
KEVIN: They’re driving me nuts.
HOWARD: I screw up again, I kill myself.
SVEN: Tonight, I get some pussy! (With that, HOWARD runs into 114B, and lights out on
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114A.)
HOWARD: Tonight, he goes and gets some. The cat burglar strikes again.
KEVIN: Look at it this way, he’s even more misled than you are.
YEHUDA: He’s definitely gay.
HOWARD: Do you realize all the trouble you started, just by suggesting Kevin’s mother and his
woman sound alike?
YEHUDA: The last thing you want to do is call Liz Kev’s woman. Because soon enough, just
because they had a few decent conversations and might even be forming an actual friendship,
he’s going to be thinking she’s his woman. And then I’m never going to hear the end of all of it.
“Yehuda, you’ll never believe what she said to me today.” “Yehuda, should I ask her to go for a
walk in the Nature Preserve?” “Yehuda, she said yes, what does that mean?”
KEVIN: I’m not that bad.
On that, a very large man with a very large presence, GABRIEL MALLICK, enters the
room. He’s got the build of a football player but the face of a teddy bear, and while he tends to
barge in at times, he’s always a welcome intruder.
GABRIEL: Of course you’re that bad!
KEVIN: Gabe!
GABRIEL: Boys, how are we tonight?
YEHUDA: Welcome to the Rockefeller Counseling Center. How may we help you?
GABRIEL (to HOWARD): Have we met?
HOWARD: Briefly.
YEHUDA: Howard Wyman, Gabriel Mallick. (They shake hands.)
GABRIEL (to HOWARD): Do you know that if I married Yehuda Gabriel, he’d be Yehuda
Mallick?
HOWARD: Wouldn’t that make you Gabriel Gabriel? (The others laugh since HOWARD
missed the subtle humor, and start their jestful taunting.)
YEHUDA: Stupid!
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GABRIEL: You should never speak in public!
YEHUDA: He said PUBLIC!
HOWARD: Uh, nice to meet you.
GABRIEL: Hi.
KEVIN: We’re trying to break in Howie.
HOWARD: That’s Howard.
KEVIN: Right. My bad.
GABRIEL: So what was I interrupting?
YEHUDA: You weren’t interrupting anything.
GABRIEL: Of course I was. I’m always interrupting something. And Kev, you look like
you’re kicking the crap out of yourself again, and Howard, you look like you’re going to kick the
crap out of somebody else.
HOWARD: Yehuda.
GABRIEL: Everyone plans on kicking the crap out of Yehuda. Especially the women.
KEVIN: And somehow they still love him.
GABRIEL: It’s why they love him. If Arielle was to ever break up with him, half the women on
campus would dump their boyfriends just to have a shot with him.
KEVIN: Only cause they think he’s gay.
YEHUDA: I’ve had my dry spells just like anyone else.
KEVIN: Yeah, but those were all in elementary school where “getting to first” meant that she
knew your first and last names.
HOWARD: Is that what it is? If that’s what it is, I guess I’ve been doing okay.
GABRIEL: So you’re the guy with the list.
HOWARD: Kevin? You told him about the list?
KEVIN: Didn’t know it was such a secret. You’re always playing off the list.
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GABRIEL: We all make lists. I have one for what I’m going to do today.
YEHUDA: I make grocery lists.
KEVIN: You make lists of women. Hell, we’d all do better with lists.
YEHUDA: Except me. I’ve got Arielle, and if all else fails, I’ll do Kevin. (He climbs in bed
with Kevin.)
KEVIN: You’ve got to understand, you can’t do that. Because people will come in here and
think we’re gay. But then they’ll think, oh, Yehuda has a girlfriend, so only Kev is gay. And
frankly, that’s not helping my odds any.
SARA enters.
SARA: I was just wondering if you guys had any -- (she looks on the bed, sees what’s going on,
then backs out) -- I’ll come back another time. (She exits.)
KEVIN: See what I mean? (He shoves YEHUDA off the bed.)
GABRIEL: Howard, Yehuda’s claim to fame is that he’s never asked a girl out in his life.
YEHUDA: That’s not my only claim to fame.
GABRIEL: It’s your most impressive.
YEHUDA: Thank you.
GABRIEL: You’re welcome.
HOWARD: Never asked a girl out?
KEVIN: Things just happen between him and women.
HOWARD: What happens?
KEVIN: There’s a click.
GABRIEL: The proverbial magic. One minute he’s talking with her over a plate of rigatoni, the
next minute she’s his for keeps.
HOWARD: I should have had the rigatoni last night.
KEVIN: You definitely should have avoided the sandwich.
GABRIEL: What happened last night?
17
HOWARD: One minute, we’re eating dinner. Next minute, she’s saying how her brother not
only had an Oedipus Complex but a Felafel Complex, and her dinner’s all over me.
GABRIEL: Smooth. Kev, speak to Mama Liz lately?
KEVIN: Just Liz. Not Elizabeth, not Lizette, not Eliza, and definitely not Mama Liz.
GABRIEL: Tell me the truth, Yehuda. Does she sound like his mother?
YEHUDA: I can’t tell them apart. I’m desperately hoping he can, or he’s got problems.
KEVIN: I know I’ve got problems! Do you think Rebecca would be revoking her entire
religion, everything that her parents and forefathers believed in, if I didn’t have problems?
Course not! Think there’s a chance that anything’s going to happen with me and Liz? Well, I
might hope so, but I know there’s no chance, because sooner or later she’s going to realize how
screwed up I am, and that’s going to get to her. She’s going to find someone else with a
snorting problem, or someone that bathes in dirt, or someone who’s spine is so sharp that the
vertabrae wear holes in his shirt, just because all these things would make that guy a few pegs
higher up on the normalcy scale than I’ll ever be. Why deal with a guy who’s absolutely
neurotic when she can opt for a bit more stability?
YEHUDA: Because neurotic guys are all that much more fun.
GABRIEL: You should say something to her.
YEHUDA: That’s what I’ve been telling him.
HOWARD: Isn’t that what messed things up between you and Rebecca?
SVEN (calling from his room): You say something to pussy, you get the pussy.
KEVIN: Great, now Sven’s giving me pointers. But with Liz, I’m going to say something.
And before it’s too late. You know the Really Girl?
YEHUDA: Love this one.
GABRIEL: I’m not sure I’m familiar with her. This has gotta be good.
HOWARD: Who’s the Really Girl?
YEHUDA: You guys doing anything tonight? By the time he finishes a story, the weekend will
long since be over.
KEVIN: I’ll cut to the good parts. I’ll only give the three-hour version.
YEHUDA: No such thing as a short version with a Kevin Feingold story. These are stories that
18
you won’t have to worry about passing on to your grandchildren, since your grandsons’ll be Bar
Mitzvah’ed before you ever finish a story.
KEVIN: May I?
GABRIEL: Please.
KEVIN: Thank you.
HOWARD: All this politeness here is driving me nuts.
GABRIEL: Manners and etiquette comprise the foundation of society. (He belches.)
KEVIN: Well said, my lord.
HOWARD: So the Really Girl...
YEHUDA: I told you this would take all night.
KEVIN: Classic story of summer love. Your protagonist? A camp counselor, entering his
sophomore year of high school. The young maiden? A CIT, two years my younger.
YEHUDA: Two years my younger. Just want to bring that to a vote. Does that make any
sense?
KEVIN: None whatsoever. Anyway, a friendship started to form between us.
YEHUDA: Up to the friendship already? You’re telling this in record time.
KEVIN (ignoring him): And I started to have a thing for her.
HOWARD: Please don’t say the thing was felafel. If the thing was felafel, I’m never stepping
foot in this room again.
KEVIN: So I resolved to say something to her before the summer’s end. But the weeks started
rolling by, day after day-YEHUDA: Time passed. Moving on...
KEVIN: Until we get to the last day of camp.
YEHUDA: This is the good part, in case you were’t aware.
GABRIEL: The last day of anything has to mean it’s the good part.
KEVIN: And the camp day ends-19
GABRIEL: That’s it? That’s the story?
KEVIN: But the staff stuck around a bit longer to clean up.
GABRIEL: Oh, we’re still approaching the climax.
KEVIN: So an hour or so later, most of the staff had already left, I’m walking alone and I see her
on this bench outside the main entrance sitting alone.
YEHUDA: Let’s see how many times you can say “alone” in one sentence.
KEVIN: So I said, that’s it, I had to say something.
GABRIEL: Carpe diem.
HOWARD: Seize the day.
GABRIEL: Are you Latin?
YEHUDA: Yes, he was born in Lat.
KEVIN: And I go up to her, with all my youthful naivete-GABRIEL: Slight redundancy, but we’ll let it slide.
YEHUDA: Shh! It’s the climax!
KEVIN: And I said, “Jennifer,”-YEHUDA: That’s her name.
GABRIEL: I would have assumed as much.
KEVIN: I said, “Jennifer, I just wanted to tell you I’ve had this crush on you the whole summer.”
And she responded with “REALLY?!” Then her friend came over, my ride came over, and we
never spoke a word to each other since. I lay it all out for her, go nuts to just say something, and
all I get was a “really” question mark, exclamation point, and that’s the end of it.
GABRIEL: Awwww.
KEVIN: To this day, I don’t know if it’s a, “Really, what were you thinking?” or a “Really, I
liked you too!” or any of the possibilities in between.
HOWARD: So that’s why you’re so messed up today.
KEVIN: I like to think so.
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GABRIEL: That doesn’t explain the Oedipus Complex.
KEVIN: Yehuda gave me an Oedipus Complex.
GABRIEL: So it’s true?
KEVIN: That’s it, you’re all gonna die.
GABRIEL: All in good time.
YEHUDA: Well, that’s uplifting. Okay, (briskly) Igottagetreadybye.
HOWARD: What?
YEHUDA: IsaidIgottagetreadybye.
KEVIN: Friday night services. Walking down there with his woman. He only has an hour to
get ready, and he hasn’t started fixing his hair yet.
GABRIEL (to KEVIN): Want to grab a quick bite to eat?
SVEN (calling from his room): Tonight, I eat pussy!
KEVIN: I think I lost my appetite.
Blackout.
Scene Six
Later that night. SVEN, upstage, is at a party, with his friends KIPPY and BUZZ, both
low-lifes like him. They all have cups of beer, and the alcohol is starting to kick in. Three girls
are standing together stage left, and there’s another one, MARCY, standing alone, depressed,
stage right. Occasionally, others walk across stage. This is a party, after all.
SVEN: Some fine pussy here tonight, no?
BUZZ: Plenty for all of us.
KIPPY: Enough to go around. All for one-BUZZ: And pussy for all! (They try to bang their cups together, but fail miserably.)
SVEN: So which one you like? (They look at their options.)
BUZZ: Three women there, to the left. (The other two look around, puzzled, so BUZZ points.)
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Over there.
KIPPY: Three women, and how many of us.
SVEN: I count three. Buzz, you’re one, Kippy you’re two, and wait, I thought I saw third
around somewhere.
BUZZ: You okay there?
SVEN: I’m cool, very cool. Guaranteed I get more pussy than you tonight.
KIPPY: Tonight we’ll all get some. Let’s go. (Right as they’re about to head to the trio,
another guy walks on stage, pinches one’s butt, she reacts warmly, and walks off-stage with
him.) Oh, great, now there’s only two.
SVEN: I see third there, alone. You two grab that pussy, I grab this one. We all come back
with some.
BUZZ: Tonight, we feast. (KIPPY and BUZZ head over to try and win over the duet.
Ultimately, they’ll fail. One girl splashes a cup of beer in BUZZ’s face, the other pours it down
KIPPY’s pants, and the two leave the stage dejected. Meanwhile, SVEN tries to sweet-talk
MARCY.)
SVEN: Hello there.
MARCY: Huh?
SVEN: I just say hello. You look sad, lonely, I come to chat. You okay?
MARCY: Not really.
SVEN: Want to tell me what’s wrong?
MARCY: I’d rather not. I don’t even know you.
SVEN: It’s better that way. You pretend like you’re talking to yourself, only less weird since
you’re really talking to me. I no judge you or anything, I can’t spread lies that you’re a lesbian
to all your friends, since I don’t know all your friends. How bout you tell me.
MARCY: If you really want to hear, I guess.
SVEN: Don’t be shy. You tell me everything that’s wrong.
MARCY: My boyfriend left me yesterday.
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SVEN: What timing I have!
MARCY: What?
SVEN: I say what lucky chance I can try help calm you down. I know it must be rough.
MARCY: Yeah, that’s an understatement.
SVEN: What’s an understatement? (He really doesn’t know what the word means.)
MARCY: That it’s rough.
SVEN: Oh, okay. Well, why he leave you? You’re a pretty girl.
MARCY: He left me saying I’m just a pretty girl, and he needed a pretty woman.
SVEN: That’s what I meant. You look very much like woman.
MARCY (endearingly): That’s the first time anyone’s ever said that to me.
SVEN: Really?
MARCY: Yeah.
SVEN: Well, there are lots of things I tell you that you’ve never heard before.
MARCY: Oh really? Like what?
TODD, a veritable GAP poster boy, enters, running on from across stage.
TODD: Marcy? Is that you?
MARCY: Go away.
TODD: Marcy, I’ve been to every frat house within five miles of here, and some made me pay a
cover charge even if they weren’t throwing a party.
MARCY: Funny. I thought you left me.
SVEN: Yeah, shut the fuck up!
TODD: All it took was one day apart from you to realize how much I loved you!
SVEN: She’s woman, not a girl.
TODD: And I love her even more for it.
23
MARCY: You’re just saying that.
SVEN: You spend one night alone, you miss the pussy. Now you come back, all for the pussy.
This is one fine pussy, and you no have her anymore.
MARCY: Excuse me?
TODD: See how much worse you can do?
MARCY: I guess.
TODD: Then-MARCY: Don’t say another word. (She grabs his hand and leads him off-stage. SVEN stands
there, heartbroken, until another girl walks past him.)
SVEN: Now that over there’s fine pussy. (Catching up to her.) Hello there! (She ignores
him, but he follows her off-stage.) You look sad, lonely, I come to chat. You okay?
Dimout.
Scene Seven
It’s much later the following night, Saturday. In Suite 114, YEHUDA and KEVIN are
sitting at their computers, typing away. HOWARD is fast asleep in bed, while SVEN is using
his computer. They’re all busy typing to friends using online chat software who are sitting at
keyboards at the front of the stage. In center stage is STACY, a friend of KEVIN’s. Far stage
left sits ARIELLE, while on the other end of the stage sits IRENE, the co-conspirator in SVEN’s
game of “cybersex.” For the most part, each player’s dialogue will be what they’re
simultaneously typing.
YEHUDA: Arielle, thank you.
STACY: Kevin, help!
SVEN: So, SexyMama69, age, sex, location?
ARIELLE: Thanks for what?
KEVIN: What is it this time, Stacy?
IRENE: You first, RocketCock.
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SVEN: 18, male, New York.
YEHUDA: For hearing me out tonight. It’s been a mad house over here.
STACY: Why are guys so unreceptive?
KEVIN (typing): Yehuda, why are guys so unreceptive?
YEHUDA (typing back): I’m sitting five feet away from you. Why are you writing to me?
IRENE: Cool! 18, female, (spoken) Umm.... let’s see... (typing) Hawaii.
STACY: Help!
ARIELLE: Things calming down there a bit?
YEHUDA: It’s very hard being the only person here who’s stable, who’s happy with how things
are. After all, I have you.
KEVIN: As I see it, guys are overreceptive. We think too much of signals that you’re really not
sending out.
STACY: Then how is it the guy I want is so dense?
SVEN: Cool. So, what are you wearing?
IRENE (clad in flannel pajamas, bundled with blankets): Bikini and a hula skirt
SVEN: Nice! How big on top?
KEVIN: As I see it, all you have to do is spit in a guy’s general direction and he’ll start drooling
all over you. You’re not an unattractive woman. I’m not sure why he’s not getting the picture.
ARIELLE: I wish I could hear your voice, speak to you, but my roommate’s sleeping. As if my
typing isn’t loud enough.
YEHUDA: You’re too good to me, you know that? Too good. You know, most people hate
me within five minutes of meeting me.
STACY: You’re sweet, you know that Kev? You’re sweet.
KEVIN: Sweet, marriable. As for my dating years, I’m screwed.
IRENE: 36D. What’s your size?
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SVEN: Ooh baby, you sound quite nice! I’m 9.5 inches.
KEVIN: (spoken) Yehuda, why did Sven just say I sound nice, and then write he’s 9.5 inches?
(typing): That’s nothing. I’ve seen better.
SVEN: (spoken) Shit!
YEHUDA: (spoken) Told you he was gay.
ARIELLE: Yehuda, as much as I love you, that’s how much I hated you when I first met you.
YEHUDA: (typing) Was I that bad?
STACY: Your luck will turn around someday. Soon you’ll be looking at these days and
laughing.
KEVIN: I can’t wait much longer. I’m almost 20. I’m not going to have all that much time to
laugh.
IRENE: 9.5?
Ooh, sexy.
What are you wearing?
SVEN (dressed similarly to IRENE): Nothing.
IRENE: Aww... too bad. I would have loved to help you take it all off.
ARIELLE: I know you’re the best at everything you do, but you made that clear from the second
you introduced yourself. That tends to rub people the wrong way. Somehow, I managed to get
passed that.
YEHUDA: And aren’t you glad you did?
ARIELLE: Best choice I ever made in my life.
STACY: Wait, you’re supposed to be helping me out, not the other way around. Back to my
problem.
KEVIN: I’m all ears.
STACY: No, I’m all ears. You talk, I’ll listen. Tell me what to do.
SVEN: How bout you remove that hula skirt?
IRENE: How bout you remove it, with your teeth.
26
SVEN: Only if you take off the rest.
YEHUDA: My roommate, all day long, giving me the play by play on NOTHING! She’s just
looking for friendship, and he knows it too. But still he can’t stop himself from going after her.
ARIELLE: I know, it’s rough, but his luck will turn around some day.
YEHUDA: I just wish he could find someone like you.
KEVIN: Tell him everything. Otherwise, you’ll wake up the next morning and the next hundred
mornings hating yourself.
STACY: I can’t just say something.
KEVIN: My friend, let me introduce you to what I like to call the dead man’s gamble.
IRENE: It’s off, it’s all off.
SVEN: For real?
IRENE: Every last bit of it.
SVEN (looking down): (spoken) Shit! Bathroom! (SVEN runs out of the suite, tripping over
things on the way out. HOWARD wakes up and, groggy, fumbles for his glasses, then goes to
his computer to see why it’s turned on).
ARIELLE: Hey, I thought you’d be glad there’s only one of me. I’m a rare find.
YEHUDA: Can I come over?
KEVIN: The dead man’s gamble: you’ve got nothing left to lose, so you lay it all on the line.
At worst, he still doesn’t give you the time of day, but how’s that different from now? At best,
he understands how you’re feeling and feels the same way.
STACY: But I can still be a bit more subtle. No harm in waiting.
KEVIN: If you wait too long without saying anything, you’re going to become something I
wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy.
STACY: What’s that?
KEVIN: Me.
HOWARD: (spoken) It’s off, it’s all off? What’s this? (He looks around, then finds the
27
Playboy on the floor by his desk.) SVEN! (Typing) SexyMama, sorry, you turned me away
from women for good. I will never like another woman as long as I live. Tell all your online
friends never to speak to me again, even if I write them first. Death to women. Good night.
(He turns off his computer, turns off the lights, and goes back to sleep.)
ARIELLE: Come over now?
YEHUDA: I just need to be with you right now.
ARIELLE: But everyone’s sleeping here.
YEHUDA: I didn’t say I needed to speak to you. I can speak to you like this. I just need to be
with you.
ARIELLE: Is there any way imaginable I could turn that down?
YEHUDA: See you soon. (ARIELLE sits there in a daze, absolutely in love. YEHUDA turns
off his computer, puts on shoes and a jacket, and heads out the door.) (Spoken) See you Kev.
I’m off to Arielle’s for the night. You alright?
KEVIN: (spoken) I’m okay. A bit nuts, but not much more than usual. See you in the
morning.
YEHUDA: Make that the afternoon.
KEVIN: Say hi to the woman.
YEHUDA: She’s so cute, isn’t she? She loves you, Kev, absolutely adores you.
KEVIN: You’re not helping.
YEHUDA: Good night. (He exits. As he’s leaving, SVEN enters and heads to his room. He
doesn’t quite get why the computer’s off, but he doesn’t care either, so he goes to sleep.)
STACY: Maybe you’re right.
KEVIN: (typing) Of course I’m right. I mess up my own life, but I’ve messed up enough to be
able to know what’s good for everyone else.
STACY: Thanks, Kev. I should get some sleep. Speak to you soon.
KEVIN: Good night. (After shutting off his computer, he goes out into the common area to
relax for a minute. As he sits down, he notices HOWARD’s “List” on the table, and starts to
read it.) So this is the list. Okay, so there’s Lana and Gina crossed out... hmmm... Debbie...
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not bad... oooh, Kim? She’s way out of his league... LIZ? He has Liz on his list? And she’s
not even near the top. I’m offended.
Blackout.
Scene Eight
It’s Sunday morning in the Nature Preserve. There are leaves and a few branches
across the front of the stage. KEVIN enters first, dressed in torn jeans, Timberlands, and a
flannel shirt. He carries a walking stick which now seems to be walking him. He stops to catch
his breath as LIZ comes walking behind him triumphantly, as if she just scaled Everest and
could scale a mountain twice as high if one existed. She too has the rugged look going, but not
so much as to sacrifice her glowing cuteness.
LIZ: You okay there?
KEVIN: Fine. Looks like we’ve got some flat land here for a bit. How bout we take advantage
of it and break for a few.
LIZ: You can see half the city from here.
KEVIN: Not much to see.
LIZ: Well, I still love the view.
KEVIN: Yeah, I guess you’re right.
LIZ: Kevin, clean your room.
KEVIN: WHAT? (Kevin hopes he mis-heard her.)
LIZ: Sorry, did I startle you?
KEVIN: Yes. I, um, didn’t expect to hear that coming from you.
LIZ: When I called this morning, your roommate asked me to say that.
KEVIN: Did he explain to you why?
LIZ: No, just said you’d get a kick out of it. What’s that about?
KEVIN: (tries searching for a good explanation) Oh, it’s just that Yehuda’s a big neat freak, and
29
no matter how neat I keep things, he always wants everything cleaner. You never can satisfy
that guy.
LIZ: Funny. You’re so easy to please.
KEVIN: Am I?
LIZ: Haven’t heard you disagree with me once.
KEVIN: Then maybe it’s you. (LIZ grabs his walking stick. Without the support, he falls
backwards.) Hey, I was using that!
LIZ: Just wanted to get a little antagonism from you. So what are you going to do now that I
have it?
KEVIN: Let you keep it. (He leaps up and tackles her to the ground, causing her to drop the
stick. He grabs the stick and sits down beside her.) Why is it women love assholes?
LIZ: We don’t love assholes!
KEVIN: Come on.
LIZ: Okay, maybe at times we do fall for the wrong men.
KEVIN: No, I’m talking consistency here. Tell me something, were you ever turned on by
Yehuda?
LIZ: NO!
KEVIN: Not even attracted to him, just a little?
LIZ: Okay, (laughing) maybe when I first met him.
KEVIN: He made a chauvinistic remark, didn’t he?
LIZ: Come to think of it, he did.
KEVIN: And that didn’t turn you off?
LIZ: On the contrary.
KEVIN: Please explain.
LIZ: Why do all men like cleavage? All a woman has to do is show a little bit of breast, and
guys won’t be able to turn their heads. I know from experience. And guys are obvious about it
30
too. You’re hypnotized.
KEVIN: Can’t explain it.
LIZ: Then let’s leave it at that.
KEVIN: Wait, you can’t seriously compare the two?
LIZ: And why not?
KEVIN: Breasts are biological, something found in nature. It’s pre-programmed in us. I mean,
we’re pre-wired for breast-feeding. How bad does this sound? I’m relating breast-feeding to a
man’s basic sexual desire. That just doesn’t sound right.
LIZ: Sounds reasonable. Maybe men, back in the caveman days, maybe the angrier ones tended
to bring home the most meat for supper, so they were the most attractive.
KEVIN: You’ve outwitted me once again.
LIZ: That’s not easy for someone with a wit as big as yours.
KEVIN: Well, you know what they say about guys with big wits?
LIZ: No, what?
KEVIN: They get the crap kicked out of them by people who don’t get the jokes.
LIZ: Oh, I heard the expression another way. (She grins.)
KEVIN: Oh really? Do tell.
LIZ: It’s not lady-like.
KEVIN: Well that expression’s true too.
LIZ: How would you know?
KEVIN: Ouch.
LIZ: I win again.
KEVIN: (realizes the moment’s right, tries to go for it) Liz, can I tell you something?
LIZ: You know, I really like having you as a friend. Oh, sorry, just came out, I’m so sorry to
31
interrupt. What were you saying?
KEVIN: I wanted to tell you that if I tried rolling down that hill, I’d probably break every bone
in my body and enjoy it.
LIZ: My, that’s not funny at all. I was expecting you to say something witty and amusing.
KEVIN: I think I strained my wit muscle when I tripped over that root half-way up.
LIZ: See, that’s the witty and amusing I needed right now.
KEVIN: Tell me, did you ever finish the paper?
LIZ: Almost. Would you mind if I came by later so you could have a look at it?
KEVIN: I was just about to offer.
LIZ: Always the gentleman. At least, provided you didn’t charleyhorse your gentleman’s
muscle.
KEVIN: That can be taken too many ways.
LIZ: I was just trying to one-up you again.
KEVIN: Let’s see if you’re wit’s sharper on the downhill. Are you ready to depart, m’dear?
LIZ: Are you willing to escort me?
KEVIN: (using the stick, pulls himself up) I’d be delighted. (He reaches out a hand to her and
pulls her up.)
LIZ: How fortunate it is to have you along sir. (Laughing, they head off-stage arm in arm.)
Dimout.
Scene Nine
It’s Sunday night, and we’re back in 114. HOWARD is with his flavor du jour,
DANIELLE, in his room rehearsing a scene for acting class. KEVIN is reading LIZ’s paper
with her in the Suite as they sit together on the same couch. Some books are scattered about on
the table. ARIELLE is visiting YEHUDA, but apparently studying hasn’t crossed their minds.
SVEN, not surprisingly, is nowhere to be found.
32
HOWARD: Are you comfortable with the scene, Danielle?
DANIELLE: You keep pronouncing my name wrong.
HOWARD: What did I say this time?
DANIELLE: You pronounced it “Dan-YELL.” Mine’s different. It’s spelled like a girl, but
said like “Daniel.” Say it. “DAN-yul.”
HOWARD: DAN-yul.
DANIELLE: Much better. Now what were you saying?
LIZ: I love that sentence.
KEVIN: Which one, this one, with the imagery describing The Village People doing the dance
number “U-TIL-I-TY” or the other one, comparing Immanuel Kant to Dabney Coleman?
LIZ: Those were good, right? I’m talking about the one you just read, there.
KEVIN: Oh. (reading from the paper) “If Hobbes had not become such a prominent figure in
philosophy, then the classic comic strip would have been called Calvin and Aristotle, and who
would want to read about a tiger named Aristotle?” Priceless, absolutely priceless. I could
never have come up with this. Heck, a million supermonkeys hammering away at typewriters
for the duration of the Pleistocene Era couldn’t possibly churn stuff like this out. Maybe they’d
put out the Declaration of Independence, but the stuff about Calvin and Aristotle, forget it.
LIZ: You flatter me too much. (She squeezes his arm.)
KEVIN: (aside) If that kind of flattery would get her to squeeze my arm, apparently I’m not
flattering her enough! (to her) It’s not flattery. It’s sincerity. (She laughs and squeezes his
arm again.)
ARIELLE: So that’s Kev’s love interest in there?
YEHUDA: That’s his interest. I think he should keep his interest in the bank, let it accumulate,
then use it once it amounts to something. What good is it now?
ARIELLE: You can’t always control your emotions. Besides, Liz is a nice girl. He could be
doing worse.
YEHUDA: Would you date a guy like Kevin?
33
ARIELLE: In a heartbeat.
YEHUDA: Then why are you with a guy like me?
ARIELLE: Because you really pissed me off, calling me stupid, saying my voice sounded like
Snow White with one of the dwarves stuck in her throat. (The phone rings.)
YEHUDA: Hello?... Oh, hi Mrs. Feingold.... Yeah, he’s been really busy lately.... Sure, one
sec.... (enters the common area) Kev, it’s your mom.
KEVIN: Don’t you know when to quit?
YEHUDA: No, really, it’s your mom.
LIZ: Kevin, I really don’t mind if you take a phone call.
KEVIN: Yehuda’s just messing with me.
YEHUDA: I have her on hold.
KEVIN: Tell this mom of mine I’ll call her back.
YEHUDA: (into phone) Mrs. Feingold?... Don’t know, he’s been acting really strange lately...
KEVIN: That is my mom, isn’t it? (He signals for YEHUDA to toss him the phone.) Mom?
Oh, hi...
LIZ: Do you want me to give you a bit of privacy?
KEVIN: (into phone) Mom, what do you need a bit of privacy for? (realizes his mistake) Liz,
no, you’re fine. (into phone) Mom, sorry, just been working hard. I’m a little overwhelmed,
seems like I’m starting to see double.... (to LIZ) Why would I need to see a doctor? (realizes his
blunder again) Mom, can I call you back tomorrow?... Yes, I’ll get some rest.... No, I don’t need
to come home for a bit. I’m fine. Just that work’s getting the breast of me.... No, you misheard
me.... (to LIZ) Love you too. Oh, shit! (into phone) Bye mom! (He hangs up.)
LIZ: Kevin, if this is a bad time for me to be here, just say so.
KEVIN: It’s never a bad time when you’re here.
LIZ: Maybe you just wouldn’t tell me if it was. And I’m not sure if that’s a good thing.
(DANIELLE and HOWARD are now rehearsing for acting class, reading their lines
from the script.)
34
DANIELLE: Heavens, you can’t be the Duke of Earl.
HOWARD: Why indeed I am.
DANIELLE: If you’re the Duke of Earl, then I’m the Dutchess of Earl. (breaking character)
What is this crap? Aren’t these song lyrics?
HOWARD: The play we chose is Chandler’s Chandelier, the intensely passionate drama based
on the lyrics of Gene Chandler.
DANIELLE: And I agreed to this?
HOWARD: You didn’t object.
DANIELLE: Doesn’t anyone do Shakespeare anymore?
HOWARD: You could have mentioned something earlier.
DANIELLE: When do we have to present the scene in class?
HOWARD: Wednesday.
DANIELLE: That doesn’t leave us much time. Fine, we’ll stick with Chandler’s Candelabra.
HOWARD: That’s “chandelier,” as in Chandler’s Chandelier, Dan-YELL.
KEVIN: Is it my fault if I enjoy your company?
LIZ: Maybe you enjoy my company a little too much.
KEVIN: I just don’t see how that could be a bad thing. Do you enjoy when I’m around?
LIZ: Of course.
KEVIN: Then I can’t understand what the problem is.
LIZ: Maybe there really isn’t one. Hey, we’re forgetting why I’m here.
KEVIN: I didn’t forget for a second.
LIZ: The paper?
KEVIN: Right. (He starts reading from it aloud.) Aristotle is surprisingly similar to Charlie
Brown and the Peanuts gang. While Charlie Brown operationally defined happiness as
35
“chewing a pencil” among other things, Aristotle pressed that happiness could only be reached if
one was born into nobility and then achieved self-fulfillment....
YEHUDA: So Arielle, tell me, you’re not the kind of girl who stays single for very long, are
you?
ARIELLE: What makes you say that?
YEHUDA: You’re attractive, outgoing, I mean, just the sort of girl that I’d look at and think,
“She must have a boyfriend.”
ARIELLE: Before we started going out, I hadn’t been seeing someone for over a year.
YEHUDA: How is it that you spent so long as a free woman?
ARIELLE: I’m very selective.
HOWARD: Can we just try getting through this scene once, straight through?
DANIELLE: If we must.
HOWARD: (Reciting lines) As I walk through this world, nothing can stop me.
DANIELLE: Oh, Duke.
HOWARD: You’re my girl, and no one’s ever gonna hurt you.
DANIELLE: Duke, Duke, Duke.
HOWARD: Yes, Dutchess?
DANIELLE: Nothing can stop you now. (She breaks character again.) It says here that we’re
supposed to kiss.
HOWARD: Right.
DANIELLE: I don’t get it. Why would I kiss you here?
HOWARD: Because it’s in the script.
DANIELLE: Somehow, that’s not doing it for me right now.
YEHUDA: You know what Kevin thought when I told the boys about the vacuum incident?
ARIELLE: You told them?
36
YEHUDA: I tried to avoid it, but it came up. Anyway, I showed them the mark on my shirt,
and Kevin thought you had aimed for something else and missed.
ARIELLE: Maybe I should try that next time.
YEHUDA: You can aim there, just as long as you don’t have a vacuum in your hand at the time.
ARIELLE: Don’t give me any ideas. (They kiss.)
KEVIN: Okay, Liz, I finished the paper.
LIZ: So what do you think?
KEVIN: I think I’m very attracted to you.
LIZ: Stop joking around. What did you think of the paper?
KEVIN: I’m not talking about the paper right now. I can’t help but want to think of you as
more than a friend.
LIZ: Kevin, you need to-KEVIN: Let me finish. Okay, I’m done. I can’t believe I just said everything that’s been on
my mind and that’s it, I’m finished. What else is there to say? I’m kind of nuts about you.
Screw the qualifiers. I’m nuts about you. Hell, screw the prepositions, I’m nuts.
LIZ: Breathe, Kevin. In and out, in and out.
KEVIN: Why do those words make me breathe more quickly?
LIZ: Kevin, I wish I felt the same way about you. I love you, as a friend.
KEVIN: How hard could it be to love me a little bit more?
LIZ: Impossible.
KEVIN: But we’ve been so close, there’s something-LIZ: Thank you for looking over the paper. I think it’s best I go. It’s a lot to handle for a night,
especially when I wasn’t expecting it. (She gathers her belongings).
KEVIN: Can’t we just spend a bit of time together now, as friends? No, maybe it’s best you go.
No, it’s never better that you go.
37
LIZ: Good-bye, Kev. I’ll see you in class tomorrow. Maybe we can hang out afterwards.
(Heading toward the door, she comes from behind him and kisses him on the head.)
(After a pause.)
KEVIN: If you want to talk-LIZ: Good-bye. (She exits.)
HOWARD: We’ve got to play by the book. If we don’t, the professor will kill us.
DANIELLE: I doubt he’s ever heard of this play.
HOWARD: He’s the one who suggested it to me after class last week.
DANIELLE: I just don’t get it. One minute she’s saying “Duke” over and over again, the next
minute they kiss.
HOWARD: Once with the kiss, that’s it. Let’s see how it works.
DANIELLE: Just once.
HOWARD: Give me the cue.
DANIELLE: (reciting) Nothing can stop you now. (HOWARD moves in to kiss, and closes his
eyes as he nears her. DANIELLE, changing her mind, turns her head and tries to object, but
it’s too late. HOWARD has managed to kiss her ear.) You used tongue?
HOWARD: DAN-yul, I’m sorry, I was-DANIELLE: You tongued my ear. (She gathers her belongings.)
HOWARD: I didn’t think you were going to turn your head.
DANIELLE: What, you were going to tongue my mouth? I don’t know which thought disgusts
me more. (She heads for the door.)
HOWARD: But the scene-DANIELLE: When I tell the professor you tongued my ear, I think I’ll have just about the only
excuse he’ll ever accept. I suggest you find yourself a monologue. (She exits. HOWARD
goes to his desk, crosses her name off the “List,” and goes back on his bed, sulking. Our
attention is shifted to YEHUDA, where ARIELLE is lifting his shirt to toy with the vacuum
mark, but they stop when the suite door violently opens. Enter SVEN.)
38
KEVIN: Sven, did you get any?
SVEN: Hey, I get plenty pussy. Shut the fuck up.
KEVIN: Listen, you’re not getting any, I’m not getting any, but at least I’m honest. (SVEN,
humiliated, bolts into his room where HOWARD starts to laugh.)
SVEN: Howard, shut the fuck up.
KEVIN: (thinking out loud) But at least I’m honest. Yeah, whole lotta good that’s doing me
now.
(The lights close on 114A and B, and the inhabitants remain frozen inside. Curious as to
why it got so quiet, KEVIN rises and tries to see what’s going on. GABRIEL now enters the
common area, except not through the door. He enters stage right, walks by 114A, and enters
the common area through the imaginary wall.)
GABRIEL: Kev!
KEVIN: (startled) Gabe, I didn’t see you come in.
GABRIEL: I didn’t use the door.
KEVIN: Yeah, sure.
GABRIEL: Come with me. (He takes KEVIN’s arm and walks with him through the imaginary
walls to upstage center. KEVIN is left in an absolute stupor.)
KEVIN: There’s a wall there.
GABRIEL: I don’t see one.
KEVIN: I just walked through a wall. Okay, something’s definitely not right. (GABRIEL
grabs KEVIN and brings him outside of 114B, where the lovers are frozen together.) You
know, that’s something I didn’t need to see.
GABRIEL: If I came an hour later, there would have been a lot more there that you didn’t need
to see.
KEVIN: So what are you, God or something? I mean, I’d think I was dreaming, but when I saw
my roommate and his woman over there, I could taste the food coming up my esophagus, and
that’s definitely never happened in any dream. So you must be God.
39
GABRIEL: Nope. Don’t even know the guy.
KEVIN: You’re not even one of his angels?
GABRIEL: I wish. That would be awesome.
KEVIN: So you’re the playwright, right? I got it! You can do whatever you want, because
you’re controlling the whole thing.
GABRIEL: I’m more like his copy editor. And he’s not too happy with some of my revisions.
KEVIN: Like what?
GABRIEL: Your idea about the vacuum incident was going to be the actual incident. But I
didn’t want Yehuda to expose himself on stage. It’s just not right for the kiddies.
KEVIN: Good call.
GABRIEL: I’m quite good at what I do. I understand you’d like a few changes made.
KEVIN: Hey, if I had the choice-GABRIEL: You do.
KEVIN: I just want to get what I deserve.
GABRIEL: What’s right for you must be right for everyone, correct?
KEVIN: I guess.
GABRIEL: Then everyone will get what they deserve, as you see fit. Now come back into the
suite. (KEVIN follows GABRIEL into the suite. Following GABRIEL’s gesture, KEVIN sits
back down where he was when LIZ left him. GABRIEL exits through the door, and the lights
come back on in full.)
KEVIN: Now, he uses the door.
(One by one, a series of women enters the suite and heads for 114A, where they join
HOWARD. First GINA...)
GINA: Howard, you want me to taste the meat on your sandwich?
(Followed by DANIELLE...)
40
DANIELLE: Howard, you can call me anything you want!
(Followed by MARCY...)
MARCY: I heard there was one decent guy who lived here.
(And followed at last by LIZ...)
LIZ: Howard, your suitemate said you thought I was cute! (HOWARD is shocked and
overjoyed by his newfound luck and giddily accepts the harem.)
KEVIN: (calls out) Hey, Gabe, Howard did okay for himself. I’m liking this.
(BUZZ enters and heads for 114A.)
BUZZ: Oh, Sven...
KEVIN: I knew that was coming.
(ARIELLE storms out of YEHUDA’s room, and leaves the suite, slamming the door
behind her. YEHUDA remains in his room, in tears.)
KEVIN: What’d you have to do that for?
VOICE OF GABRIEL: He made one offensive comment too many. She couldn’t put up with it.
KEVIN: But that’s-VOICE OF GABRIEL: Come on, at least be honest with yourself. That’s exactly what you
thought he deserved.
KEVIN: And what about me?
(ARIELLE reenters, but as REBECCA.)
REBECCA: There was never anything between Dom and I. I just did that to see if you’d want
me even more. Can I come in? I’m really lonely.
KEVIN: Well, Rebecca, I-- (She throws herself on him and kisses him.) Well, in that case, fine,
you can come in.
Blackout.
41
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Scene One
A few days have passed. HOWARD is now back in the dining hall, sitting alone at the
table with his tray of food. Before he even has time to search for his friends, GINA and LIZ
enter with their food from stage right, while MARCY and DANIELLE enter stage left and sit
next to him, crowding him in. All five are eating egg salad sandwiches on wheat bread, sliced
diagonally, with a pickle on the side.
HOWARD: I guess I’m not eating alone tonight, again.
LIZ: We followed you in here.
GINA: Isn’t he irresistible?
42
MARCY: Absolutely delicious.
DANIELLE: You know, he’s going to have to choose between us one of these days.
GINA: What’s the rush? The suspense makes me attracted to him that much more.
HOWARD: So, you girls like sandwiches?
GINA: Isn’t he delicious?
MARCY: I already said delicious. Think of something else. Delicious is my special word for
Howie, right honey?
HOWARD: That’s Howard. Not Howie, not honey, just Howard. Period.
LIZ: I just love it when a guy puts his foot down.
GINA: Manly. That’s my word for him. Absolutely ruggedly manly.
DANIELLE: You can’t have two words for him. That’s not fair.
HOWARD: The English language has a few hundred thousand words. You can all have as
many as you like.
MARCY: He’s generous too.
GINA: You know I almost let this guy slip through my fingers?
HOWARD: (testing his ground) Gina, how’s your brother.
MARCY: He knows your brother?
HOWARD: All I know is that at night, he dreams of crawling under the covers with mommy,
after severing daddy’s head and hanging it out with the laundry.
GINA: What a sense of humor!
LIZ: Funny -- That’s another word I’ll use for him.
HOWARD: Her brother has an Oedipus complex. Right, Gina?
GINA: (unfazed) We all have our short-comings.
DANIELLE: Well, everyone does but Howard.
HOWARD: I have plenty of short-comings. I’m a slob, a picky eater, I’m stubborn and I’m
43
rude. Yet for some reason none of that seems to matter right now.
MARCY: He’s modest. I like that, I really like that.
(GABRIEL enters from stage right, intending on walking straight across.)
HOWARD: Gabriel! It’s nice to see you here.
GABRIEL: Uh, hi, Howard. Yes. It is nice to see you too, I guess.
HOWARD: Would you join us?
DANIELLE: Howard, we want you all to ourselves!
LIZ: Gabriel, is it? I hope you’re not offended, it’s just that we were in the middle of
something.
HOWARD: We were?
GABRIEL: Just what was it that you were in the middle of?
HOWARD: I’m trying to figure that–
MARCY: He’s madly in love with one of us.
GABRIEL: Is that so?
HOWARD: That’s what they’re telling me.
GABRIEL: You sound reluctant.
HOWARD: Something very odd is going on here.
GABRIEL: And you’re stopping to question it?
HOWARD: Wouldn’t you?
GABRIEL: I’d enjoy it, and between you and me, I’d enjoy it four times over.
HOWARD: That’s sick!
GINA: It’s kind of tempting.
LIZ: It would save him the trouble of making up his mind.
MARCY: We don’t want him to spend his energy on a decision–
44
DANIELLE: When he could be spending it on us.
HOWARD: This is just against anything I’ve ever believed in.
GABRIEL: Then maybe you need a few new beliefs.
LIZ: I believe in you, Howard.
HOWARD: But why couldn’t you believe in Kevin?
GABRIEL: Kevin has Rebecca now.
MARCY: And you have us.
GINA: If you want us.
GABRIEL: Honestly, in some sick way, isn’t this what you’ve always wanted.
HOWARD: I wanted egg salad.
GINA: Playing hard to get is one thing, but I refuse to lose you to a sandwich.
MARCY: A sandwich? That’s giving me ideas.
GABRIEL: Ideas. She’s a smart girl. She also rejected Sven.
HOWARD: She is a smart girl.
GABRIEL: I’d stay, but I must join my friends. Hey, if I was in your shoes... well, I’m not, but
I’d ditch the egg salad in a heart beat.
(GABRIEL exits stage left.)
HOWARD (looks at his companions): I think it’s time for a change of appetite. (He tosses his
sandwich, and–)
Blackout.
Scene Two
We’re back in the Nature Preserve, once again with scattered branches and leaves. It’s
gotten a bit colder since the last encounter here. As KEVIN enters, there is definitely a change
about him, as he has lost some of the dark edge that was his trademark. He’s wearing a newer
pair of jeans, and he’s tapped into a newfound source of energy, as he carries REBECCA when
45
coming on stage. He sets her down amidst the leaves.
REBECCA: How steep was that hill?
KEVIN: Couldn’t have been more than 80 degrees, okay maybe ninety.
REBECCA: You scaled it. It’s like you were walking down the street.
KEVIN: Must be the shoes. Good traction.
REBECCA: You were carrying me, the entire way.
KEVIN: Just half.
REBECCA: Kevin, a year ago, you would spend half an hour opening a jar of apple sauce.
KEVIN: Child proof jars or something. You’d think it was a bottle of Tylenol.
REBECCA: I don’t know what’s come over you. Did you join a gym? Or your eating habits,
you’ve discovered salad, haven’t you?
KEVIN: One peach Snapple iced tea daily, that’s my secret to longevity.
REBECCA: So what’s come over you?
KEVIN: You’ve come over me.
REBECCA (after a pause): I’m waiting for your set-up.
KEVIN: Set-up?
REBECCA: The sexual pun.
KEVIN: Oh, that. Just seemed like it was in bad taste, that’s all.
REBECCA (examining his forehead): You didn’t have a lobotomy, did you?
KEVIN: I guess being dumped and asked out on the same night gave me a lot to think about.
Besides, the Kev that spent a half hour opening a jar of apple sauce was always a single Kev.
REBECCA: He had a certain amount of charm to him.
KEVIN: He was overlooked for guys named Dom.
REBECCA: But then I looked back.
46
KEVIN: A dangerous choice.
REBECCA: Oh?
KEVIN: You know what happened to Lot when he looked back?
REBECCA: You have two misconceptions there.
KEVIN: You’re challenging my Hebrew day school upbringing here.
REBECCA: How do you know I wasn’t a day school girl too?
KEVIN: Guys named–
REBECCA: So as I was saying.
KEVIN: Please continue.
REBECCA: First, it was Lot’s wife.
KEVIN: That’s what I meant.
REBECCA: It’s not what you said.
KEVIN: I’m a bigger fan of intention over exertion.
REBECCA: Your other screw-up was that Lot’s wife looked back on destruction.
KEVIN: What we tried to have going was destroyed. You looked back on it and tried to save it.
REBECCA: So I was just a bit slower to realize how things could have gone better.
KEVIN: Enough.
REBECCA: You don’t want to discuss the past.
KEVIN: The only way to ensure we have a future is to forget the past. (He pauses, then
laughs.)
REBECCA: What’s so funny?
KEVIN: It’s just that that was the crappiest line I’ve ever spurned out. (Melodramatic): The
only way to make sure we have a future is to forget the past! (In normal voice): What kind of
bullshit is that? I’ve been reading too many of those John Grisham novels. The blurb on the
back of every book is the same. John Dellencourt is about to face the biggest threat of his life,
when he discovers, dot dot dot, The Mulligan Files! Now he’s on the run from the mafia, the
47
police, and every prosecutor in North America except the one he’s having an affair with. But if
he’s going to survive, the only way he can protect his future is to forget his past.
REBECCA: I wouldn’t say that’s the worst line I ever heard.
KEVIN: You’ve got to admit, it’s up there at least.
REBECCA: I’ll give you that.
KEVIN: Listen, Rebecca, can you just promise me you won’t look back?
REBECCA: That’s a hard promise to make.
KEVIN: It’s just that my family has a history of high blood pressure, and bringing home this
pillar of salt to meet my parents would be a little bit freaky. I mean, just imagine the talk over
dinner. "Mom, Dad, this is the Rebecca you’ve heard so much about. She’s really great,
especially over an order of french fries."
REBECCA (laughing): This is what I missed.
KEVIN: What? French fries?
REBECCA: Hysterical fits of laughter. (She moves to kiss KEVIN, but he gets startled by
something he hears off-stage and pulls back.) What is it?
KEVIN: Shhh. There’s someone else here.
(SVEN and BUZZ walk on-stage, arm in arm. KEVIN, shocked, grabs REBECCA and
backs up, allowing his suitemate and companion to cross. While SVEN is hardly different from
his old self, BUZZ has seen enlightenment and now waxes poetic.)
BUZZ: I never knew what true love was until now, this very moment.
SVEN: What about yesterday? You said same thing before.
BUZZ: Ah, life for me has become one endless moment. Though I perceive dawn and sunset,
though I sleep and wake in a cyclical fashion as all mortal souls do, though the watch on my
wrist continually marks the passage of life’s greatest mystery, that being time, I am frozen in this
one endless moment with you.
KEVIN (in sotto voce, to REBECCA): Now that was the crappiest line I’ve ever heard. The
scariest thing is I think he meant it.
REBECCA: Who is that?
KEVIN: I don’t know about Shakespeare over
there, but the guy he’s with is my suitemate
48
Sven.
BUZZ: So tell me, when was it you first started being attracted to the same sex?
SVEN: I always like sex, you know what I mean?
BUZZ: No, I meant when did you start liking men?
SVEN: I, uh, I no know how to say it.
BUZZ: Try.
SVEN: I, uh, it hard.
BUZZ: For me.
SVEN: Since I don’t get no pussy, I go for something else.
BUZZ: I haven’t felt this way about another human being as long as I have walked this earth.
SVEN: You no know what you saying, shut the fuck up.
BUZZ: There were times I was lonely, I’d walk the streets and wonder why I could never find
true love.
SVEN: This when you had too much to drink?
BUZZ: The alcohol was my cheap, room temperature beverage of solitude, a constant reminder
that while I drank it in a room filled with hundreds of sweaty, boorish commoners, I was
drinking alone. I’d guzzle it down, trying to lose my identity and take on a new one, a persona
that cares not of love or lonelinesss, life or death, mirth or madness. And then, I discovered the
path I walked was one I would always walk alone. I would never find fulfillment in my current
state, I would never find love. And then the answer came to me, and that answer was you.
SVEN: Shut the fuck up, know what I’m sayin’? Okay, let’s go.
BUZZ: Is Howard around?
SVEN: I think he’s there, giving his books a whacking off.
BUZZ: Then I don’t know what we could do. Maybe we could stay here for awhile, enjoy the
fresh scent of the open air.
(GABRIEL enters stage-left with KEVIN’s old walking stick and a notebook. He stands
in the corner of the stage, eyes SVEN and BUZZ, then makes a few jottings in his notebook.
49
KEVIN is the only one to notice, and looks on, puzzled.)
SVEN: You know what? I no think Howard’s there anymore. Let’s go. (The two exit, arm in
arm. GABRIEL watches, smiling, then exits himself from where he came.)
REBECCA: I was hoping they’d leave.
KEVIN: Their timing was impeccable.
REBECCA: They sure seemed to get out of here in a hurry.
KEVIN: Yeah, as if I just willed it to happen.
REBECCA: Oh, and the sun revolves around you too?
KEVIN: Just seems whatever I will is coming my way.
REBECCA: Then try out your like. Will me to do something.
KEVIN: I’m not saying it aloud.
REBECCA: By the sounds of it, you won’t have to.
KEVIN: Okay, but are you sure about this.
REBECCA: Geez, you’re taking this rather seriously. I thought you were kidding. At least,
I’m hoping you’re kidding. (Without thinking, she takes off her jacket.) You are kidding,
aren’t you? Here, hold this. (She hands him the jacket, and then, while keeping her shirt on,
starts to remove her bra.)
KEVIN: Of course I’m kidding.
REBECCA: Good. Now could you hold this for me? (She hands him her bra.)
KEVIN: Tell me something. If I was completely kidding, why, in this twenty degree weather,
and we’re talking a wind chill somewhere in the negatives, did you just hand me your bra?
REBECCA: Because, I, um, I’m a fun loving girl, and while we’re out here in the middle of
nowhere, I wanted to have some fun.
KEVIN: We’re not so remote. My old suitemate was just here. He’s probably not all that far
off himself.
REBECCA: Well, I – (frustrated) – Geez! I try to do something spontaneous, and I get the third
degree! What on earth is wrong with you?
50
KEVIN: When life’s too good, you’ve got to question it.
REBECCA: Maybe I am too good for you. (She takes back her bra.)
KEVIN (grabbing it from her): Wait, are you saying nothing came over you when you started
doing this?
REBECCA: What are you talking about?
KEVIN: Are you saying that this was completely of your own volition. You just wanted to have
some fun, be spur of the moment?
REBECCA: No, I had a script written out that I was following.
KEVIN: That’s what I feared.
REBECCA: What’s come over you? The conversation died, I wanted to take our minds off the
past, so I thought we could actually try having a little fun.
KEVIN: You know, we’re going to freeze our asses off.
REBECCA: Not if we stay close.
KEVIN: You’re really acting on free will, huh?
REBECCA: Of course!
KEVIN: Then so am I. (He kisses her, as GABRIEL reappears stage-left, writing in his
notebook and laughing.)
Blackout
Scene Three
Back in 114B, the entire room is a mess. YEHUDA has neglected to take care of his
room and his personal hygiene. Clothes are all over the floor, all his books are out of place,
and every last bastion of cleanliness has crumbled. KEVIN’s side, however, is better than it
has been. While it’s still not perfect, he’s obviously gone to greater efforts to keep his room in
order since REBECCA became his girlfriend. As the scene opens, YEHUDA is trying to get
some studying done on his bed, but he has trouble focusing. He’s the only one currently in the
suite. When he speaks, he is oozing sorrow, droning his speech almost to the point of slurring
it. This is nothing short of clinical depression, and it has him licked.
YEHUDA: One more chapter, then a break. Just 36 more pages, then I’ll go and, then I’ll get
some things in order. Hang up my clothes, take a shower. Call Ari– (realizing his blunder),
no, she’s what got me into this mess. No, I’M what got me into this mess, and I’m going to get
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myself out. (The phone rings.) Hello? Arielle?... Oh, hi Rebecca.... Yes, everything’s fine,
just getting some studying done, that’s all.... No, I wasn’t expecting her call, it’s just that, oh, I’m
pathetic. I shouldn’t be bothering you with any of this, I’m sorry.... It’s just that you remind me,
your voice at least, reminds me of Arielle.... yeah, I guess you’re right, anyone’s voice would....
Anyway, Kevin’s not in. I’ll tell him you called.... You sure? It’s really no trouble.... If you
don’t want me to, I won’t.... Yes, I’ll be alright. Thank you.... Bye. (He hangs up.) It’s scary.
She sounds exactly like, exactly like my ex. That’s it, my ex. She doesn’t need a name, she
doesn’t have a name, she’s my ex. It’s been... well, however long it’s been since we broke up,
there are other women out there. It was just so sudden. Maybe I really did piss her off, but if I
could make her give up something like what we had so easily, how can I get involved with
someone again?
(GABRIEL enters the suite and then 114B.)
GABRIEL: Hello Yehuda.
YEHUDA: Gabe, hi, come in.
GABRIEL: Are you sure?
YEHUDA: Has it ever stopped you before? I’m fine, come in, have a seat.
GABRIEL (looking around the room): Wow, there’s a first. I’m actually going to get to sit on
Kevin’s side. Love the view from over here.
YEHUDA: I’m sorry, I’ll straighten this stuff up, I really will get around to it.
GABRIEL: What are you apologizing to me for?
YEHUDA: I think I’ve been apologizing to everyone lately.
GABRIEL: That’s probably a first for you, isn’t it?
YEHUDA: What?
GABRIEL: Apologizing.
YEHUDA: Well, I’m sorry, I just don’t really have the energy to even speak up for myself.
GABRIEL: I know just what you need.
YEHUDA: My ex back?
GABRIEL: I’m not sure if that would really solve anything, and I’m hoping you didn’t really
mean that. (He pulls a small pad of paper out of his jacket pocket.)
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YEHUDA: I need a notepad?
GABRIEL: Oh, sorry, that’s not it. (He reaches in deeper and finds a roll of Werther’s
Originals, a butterscotch candy.) You need a Werther’s.
YEHUDA: I’m touched. A sucking candy.
GABRIEL: It’s not just a sucking candy. It’s a Werther’s Original. They’ve been making
these savory sweets since before World War One, back when little children still played stickball
on the stoops of their vermin-infested tenements. Ah, the good ol’ days!
YEHUDA: The good old days were last month. Remember them? See, I wasn’t single, Kevin
was, Howard wasn’t a pimp, and Sven, well, maybe he was always gay, but at least he was
single.
GABRIEL: So you’re saying that things were good only when things were going well with you?
YEHUDA: It’s not just that. It’s like the world turned on its side and is spinning violently out
of orbit. Look at Kevin, for instance.
GABRIEL: I’ve seen Kevin. He’s happy. He’s more organized. He’s even making his bed.
YEHUDA: He’s also become obsessive, going crazy over every little thing she says to him.
Gabe, the guy’s nuts.
GABRIEL: Nothing like you were when you were seeing Arielle, of course.
YEHUDA: Kevin’s just not used to relationships. He doesn’t know how to handle them. And
he’s going to be up for a big fall when this doesn’t work out.
GABRIEL: So then he’ll resemble how you are now.
YEHUDA: No, he’ll be worse, much worse.
GABRIEL (laughing): And would you like to tell me how that’s possible?
YEHUDA: You really don’t specialize in words of compassion, do you?
GABRIEL: That’s never been my strong point. Tell me something, when’s the last time you ate
something?
YEHUDA: I’ve been eating plenty.
GABRIEL: You left the room any time recently?
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YEHUDA: How’s three days ago?
GABRIEL: So what have you eaten?
YEHUDA: Kev keeps a stash of Oatmeal Creme Pies. He always has a few boxes in his desk or
under his bed. And then he’s got Peach Snapple in his fridge, so I’m set for life.
GABRIEL: Throw some clothes on, make the trek as far as the dining hall, and damn you,
straighten this place up. You think any woman’s going to want to go near you when you look
like that?
YEHUDA: They’re not worth the trouble.
(KEVIN enters, in better spirits than ever.)
KEVIN: Good afternoon, Yehuda. And Gabriel, how do you do?
GABRIEL: Better than Yehuda.
KEVIN: When I went to Wal-Mart earlier, I saw a guy in a wheelchair with three teeth, one
limb, and half his face looking like it was sprayed with hydrochloric acid, and he was probably
doing better than Yehuda.
YEHUDA: Thanks, Kev.
KEVIN: Anyway, I’ve got to read you guys something. It’s my one week anniversary, and I’m
taking Liz out to dinner tonight. I wrote a card for her.
(Upstage-left, REBECCA enters, preparing for her anniversary dinner.)
GABRIEL: Let’s hear it.
YEHUDA: Since we don’t have a choice.
(Upstage, a knock is heard. DOM is at the door, and REBECCA hesitantly invites him
in. The rest of the scene is played out alternating between REBECCA’s room and KEVIN’s
room.)
KEVIN: (Removes a card from his desk, and begins to read) With you my life was rearranged.
Here’s seven ways my life has changed.
REBECCA: I’m kind of busy now. Can this wait?
DOM: Just five minutes.
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REBECCA: Tomorrow, maybe.
DOM: Five minutes, nothing more.
KEVIN: First, you came into my life in a glorious vision. To welcome you into my arms was an
easy decision.
GABRIEL: That’s sweet.
REBECCA: I’m on my way out the door.
DOM: I want you back.
REBECCA: Now is not a good time.
KEVIN: Two, your love and strong devotion made me overflow in a sea of emotion.
DOM: You said you’d give me five minutes, and I will hold you to that.
REBECCA: I’m seeing someone else.
DOM: I know, it’s Kevin, I heard.
REBECCA: Then you have no business coming here.
KEVIN: Three, you opened up my eyes. Love I now can realize.
DOM: We had something good going on.
REBECCA: It sure seemed easy for you to let me leave.
DOM: I wanted to respect your decision. I’ve always respected you.
REBECCA: Then respect me now. I’m asking you to leave.
DOM: I can’t.
KEVIN: Four, there’s none that holds a candle to your beauty. To cherish your grace, I consider
that my duty.
REBECCA: Then speak quickly. I’m running late.
DOM: I can’t stand being without you. I’ve been a mess, a wreck.
REBECCA: That’s bound to happen. But I love someone else. I think I always loved someone
else.
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DOM: You’re saying that now, but you don’t really believe that. At least have the decency to
be honest with me.
REBECCA: I did love you once.
KEVIN: Invigorated, I’ll tell you for number five, never before have I felt so alive.
DOM: You don’t miss me at all?
REBECCA: Kevin’s a changed man. I’ve always enjoyed him as a friend. We just took our
close friendship a step further.
DOM: Do you miss me?
REBECCA: I won’t lie. Of course, there are things about you I miss.
KEVIN: Six, like melodies piped from a recorder, my life has found a perfect order.
DOM: Did you have any regrets about leaving me?
REBECCA: These questions are growing more and more inappropriate. I don’t have to answer
them.
DOM: I just wanted an explanation. And I’m sorry if it’s a bad time, but I felt compelled to
come see you, and to see you right away.
REBECCA: I’ve always believed in following impulses.
KEVIN: Seven, I’m happy, my life is completed. It turns out you were the only thing I ever
needed.
DOM: I should go.
REBECCA: Yes, you should.
DOM: Can I call you?
REBECCA: It’s better you don’t.
DOM: I still love you. (He exits.)
KEVIN: Love, Kevin. How is it?
GABRIEL: If you were a woman, I’d never let you go.
(REBECCA calls KEVIN. The phone rings in his room, and he picks up.)
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KEVIN: Hello?
REBECCA: Hi, Kevin, it’s me.
KEVIN: Yes, so, you coming over?
REBECCA: I’m so sorry.
KEVIN: What is it?
REBECCA: I think I’ve come down with something. I’m really not well. Can we put off
dinner until tomorrow?
KEVIN: Can I come over?
REBECCA: It’s best you don’t. The last thing we need is for both of us to be sick.
KEVIN: I guess you’re right. Get some rest. I’ll give you a call later.
REBECCA: Okay, good-bye.
KEVIN: Happy anniversary.
(REBECCA hears this, pauses speechless, and hangs up. Anguished, she exits.
KEVIN hangs up the phone, throws the card on his desk, and exits into the Suite where he drops
down into a couch.)
GABRIEL: Guess they’re not going out after all.
YEHUDA: Guess not.
GABRIEL: Did they have reservations somewhere?
YEHUDA: The French Connection.
GABRIEL: You hungry?
YEHUDA: You’re kidding.
GABRIEL: You need to get out of this place.
YEHUDA: In that case...
GABRIEL: Bon appetit!
Blackout.
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Scene Four
It’s later that night, and everyone is online. In Suite 114, YEHUDA and KEVIN are
once again sitting at their computers, typing away. YEHUDA is typing a philosophy paper,
while KEVIN is chatting online. SVEN and BUZZ are asleep in SVEN’s bed, while
HOWARD is using his computer. Back in center stage is STACY, KEVIN’s friend. Far
stage right are DANIELLE AND GINA sitting together typing to HOWARD. Upstage left is
currently empty. Again, each player’s dialogue will be what they’re simultaneously typing.
STACY: Kevin, I followed your advice.
DANIELLE: Howard, is that you?
YEHUDA: Let’s first start with my name. Okay, Yehuda Gabriel. That wasn’t so bad. If I
follow that by the date, course, and teacher’s name, I’ve already got four lines.
KEVIN: Smart girl. How did it work out?
HOWARD: Yes, it’s me. How are you, Danielle?
GINA: This is Gina. I’m in Danielle’s room. Wish you were here!
YEHUDA: A title. The Philosophical Construct of Idealism as it Applies to Saturday Morning
Cartoons. Enlarge font to 15 points, and we’ve got a two-line title. Nice.
STACY: This guy still doesn’t have a clue.
KEVIN: What did you tell him?
STACY: I told him I liked him. He said he liked me too.
KEVIN: So, aren’t congratulations in order?
STACY: He thought I meant like a friend.
DANIELLE: Howard, it’s me again, Danielle. So, can we come over?
HOWARD: You better not.
DANIELLE: Oh, it’s past your bed-time? Don’t want to have some fun?
HOWARD: Buzz and Sven are asleep.
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DANIELLE: Gina says they can watch.
HOWARD: And if they don’t want to watch?
YEHUDA: Idealism applies to the notion that one holds a mentality set upon the achievement of
ideas, without the necessity that these ideas are situated heavily in fact. These ideas are
intended to be for the betterment of the idealist himself or for the social structure in which the
idealist exists. Hardly is there a better expression of idealism than that shown by Batman, Bugs
Bunny, and countless other cartoon characters which will be discussed later in this essay.
KEVIN: So now you’re stuck with a friend.
STACY: Yes, he surely knows I like him as a friend.
KEVIN: You sure he wasn’t being sarcastic?
STACY: I don’t think he knows how to be sarcastic.
KEVIN: You sure you still want this guy?
STACY: I’ll get my fill of sarcasm from you.
DANIELLE: Why don’t you come on over to my room? It’s just the two of us here, just Gina
and me. That should be easier for you to handle.
GINA: And more fun for us.
HOWARD: I really shouldn’t.
DANIELLE: I’m starting to feel unwanted.
HOWARD: It’s not that, it’s that I do have to wake up really early tomorrow.
DANIELLE: You could pull an all-nighter.
GINA: We’ll keep you awake.
HOWARD: But wouldn’t Marcy and Liz feel left out?
DANIELLE: What they don’t know won’t hurt them. Besides, some time with just the two of
us might make it easier for you to choose.
HOWARD: Well, you do have a point there.
YEHUDA: Batman is an interesting character, as his multiple personalities allow him to be
examined on more than one level. The turning point in his life was when, as a boy by the name
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of Bruce Wayne, he saw his parents murdered by the nefarious Joker. It was then that his
idealistic nature took full swing. He decided to become the savior of Gotham City and rid the
city of evildoers. You can’t get more idealistic than that.
KEVIN: So are you still interested in this guy?
STACY: How can I not be.
KEVIN: I know what you’re saying.
STACY: I wish I could, like that, turn my feelings on and off, like a light switch or a can opener.
I could say, I want to feel happy now, enough sadness. Click. Then I could say I want to like
this guy. Click. Whoops, he’s not worth my time. I’m going to be miserable. Click. I can
stop liking him. It just doesn’t work out that way. Maybe I shouldn’t be thinking about him.
I’m probably better off.
KEVIN: But you can’t just stop thinking about them after being attracted to them for some time.
STACY: Exactly.
KEVIN: Trust me, I know what you’re saying.
STACY: So whatever happened with the girl you were interested in?
KEVIN: Funny you ask. I guess the better question is "which one."
STACY: Let’s go for the most recent.
YEHUDA: Interestingly, while Batman has tried to benefit the society in which he lived, he has
been criticized by Gotham’s inhabitants. Many people fear him, or some say he is just as deadly
as The Joker, the Riddler, and Dr. Freeze. This is an outstanding example of how idealists are
easily misunderstood. If you look at idealists through the ages, be them Abraham and Moses,
Galileo and Da Vinci, Einstein and Walt Disney, it is clear that many of what we now consider
the most innovative ideas of all time were originally scoffed by surrounding societies. (Pauses
from typing) Put on the double space and I’ve got... yes, page one done. Only nine more to go.
HOWARD: I’m really going to regret this.
DANIELLE: You think we don’t have classes too?
HOWARD: It’s just that if I don’t pass mine, I’m going to be castrated, and that’s not going to
do any of us any good.
DANIELLE: You’ll probably be castrated either way, so you might as well enjoy yourself while
you still can.
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HOWARD: Exactly what do you have in mind?
GINA: We’ll think about that on your way over. You can make a wish list if you like.
HOWARD: Can the three of us really fit in the same bed together?
DANIELLE: Who needs beds? Anyway, my roommate’s not around. We can put the beds
together.
YEHUDA: Put on page numbering, that gives me another two lines. Add up two lines per page,
that’s a half page right there.
KEVIN: She dumped me.
STACY: Wait, you weren’t going out, were you?
KEVIN: Okay, she didn’t exactly dump me. She rejected me.
STACY: What happened?
KEVIN: I told her how I felt, she said she didn’t feel the same way. So she left, and that was
the end of it.
STACY: Doesn’t get much worse than that.
KEVIN: Doesn’t get much better either.
STACY: Oh? How do you figure?
YEHUDA: Margins, 1.25 inches on all sides. Spacing: 2.1. No, make that 2.2. It still looks
good. Now I’ll have just 8 pages to write, maybe 7.
HOWARD: You don’t think that’s a bit sick?
DANIELLE: She left to go to her boyfriend’s. What do you think they’re doing there?
HOWARD: Guaranteed it won’t be as sick as whatever’s going on with us.
GINA: You mean to tell me you’ve never done this sort of thing before?
HOWARD: I haven’t done a quarter of this kind of thing.
DANIELLE: That’s what college is for: an education.
GINA: We’ll teach you everything you need to know.
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HOWARD: I’m sometimes a slow learner.
DANIELLE: That’s sweet. Sweet, modest Howard. That’s why we love you.
KEVIN: Barely seconds after Liz left me, just walked out the door, Rebecca comes in.
STACY: Rebecca, that’s the one you used to like, right?
KEVIN: The one who, when we were becoming what I thought was more than friendly, left me
for a guy named Dom.
STACY: That’s right, not even Jewish.
KEVIN: Well, she realized her mistake.
STACY: People never realize their mistakes.
KEVIN: It’s a new one for me too. But anyway, we’ve started going out.
STACY: You’re kidding. You’re no longer the hopelessly single Kevin? When you’re in town
over break, I bet I’ll hardly recognize you. So how long has this been?
KEVIN: It’s a week ago today. We were supposed to celebrate our one week anniversary
tonight, but she was feeling under the weather tonight, so we’ll have to postpone it.
STACY: Why aren’t you with her?
KEVIN: She just wasn’t feeling well, and didn’t want me to catch what she had.
STACY: Hmm.
KEVIN: What?
STACY: Just seems odd, that’s all. I always thought that sharing germs was the foundation of a
relationship. But it’s probably nothing.
KEVIN: Yeah. I called her, and she needs her rest.
STACY: Okay.
GINA: We’re not taking no for an answer.
HOWARD: I kind of figured that already. Fine, I’ll be over in ten minutes. Academics will
just have to wait.
(He turns off his computer, and readies himself to go. DANIELLE and GINA exit.
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Meanwhile, ARIELLE enters stage left at the computer.)
ARIELLE: (typing) Yehuda, you there?
STACY: Kevin, it’s getting late. I should get some sleep.
KEVIN: Okay, good night. Speak to you soon.
STACY: Night. (She exits.)
ARIELLE: Yehuda, that you?
YEHUDA: Ignore.
ARIELLE: Hello?
YEHUDA: User not available.
ARIELLE: Yehuda?
YEHUDA: Bugs Bunny is a very different kind of idealist. He prefers resorting to practical
jokes and humor to accomplish his goals...
Dimout.
Scene Five
HOWARD is in the suite the following night, straightening up as if expecting company.
He is dressed a bit snazzier than usual, and he’s about as much of a happening guy as he’s ever
been. He finally feels like he has some control over the situation, and what’s more is that he’s
starting to enjoy it.
HOWARD (singing): If you said goodbye to me tonight, there would still be music left to write.
What else could I do? I’m so inspired by you. That hasn’t happned for the longest time. Oh,
oh, oh, for the longest time...
(A knock is heard at the door, HOWARD, singing, ignores it. The door opens, and it’s
LIZ. HOWARD still doesn’t notice her until she speaks.)
LIZ: Am I the first one here?
HOWARD: Oh, Liz, um, didn’t hear you walk in. Yeah, I guess you are.
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LIZ: I wish I was the only one here.
HOWARD: Well, you are for now. Isn’t that nice.
LIZ: I never really did get to spend much time alone with you.
HOWARD: We might be able to change that.
LIZ: You mean you’ve made your decision?
HOWARD: What decision?
LIZ: You’re such a joker, I love it.
HOWARD: No, really, what decision?
LIZ: That’s what tonight’s all about. You’re finally going to choose.
HOWARD: Why am I always the last to know these things. How about tonight, we have fun,
like we have been. I mean, isn’t everyone having fun?
LIZ: We were, but this fivesome thing gets very old, very fast.
HOWARD: Oh, sure, of course, but we might as well seize the day, right?
LIZ: Listen, I’m a possessive kind of girl, very territorial in a way. I’d much rather have you all
to myself.
HOWARD: So, what’s your favorite movie?
LIZ: I’m confused.
HOWARD: I’d like to get to know you a bit better, yourself.
LIZ: Am I being interviewed?
HOWARD: Sure. It’s an interview now. I’m the interviewer, you’re the candidate for the
position. What’s your favorite movie?
LIZ: It’s a toss up. I’d have to say either Ferris Bueller’s Day Off or Gone With the Wind.
HOWARD: Those two have a lot in common.
LIZ: Diverse tastes, I know. That’s how I can appreciate your sensitive side and your sense of
humor.
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HOWARD: Um, great, I’m glad that’s appreciated and all. So, have a favorite song?
LIZ: Has to be "For the Longest Time," by Billy Joel.
HOWARD: Hey, that’s my favorite song too!
LIZ: I heard you singing it when I walked in.
HOWARD: Oh, how perceptive. At least you knew the song.
(GINA enters.)
GINA: Howard, loved seeing you last night.
LIZ: You saw Howard?
GINA: Well, I can’t say looking was the only thing I did to him.
HOWARD: Oh no, this is going to be bloody.
LIZ: Howard, I hope you’re not hiding anything from me.
HOWARD: You didn’t ask, I didn’t tell.
LIZ: So what did you do with Gina?
HOWARD: I don’t think now’s a good time to ask.
LIZ: That’s not fair for you to spend that time alone with her. I think it would be better if Gina
left and we could try to have our own one on one session.
GINA: We weren’t alone.
LIZ: Howard, care to fess up?
HOWARD: Well–
GINA: Danielle was there too.
LIZ: And where was Marcy?
HOWARD: I don’t know. I was wondering that myself.
GINA: Excuse me?
LIZ: While you were with Gina and Danielle, you were thinking about Marcy? I’m loving this.
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HOWARD: Liz, I was thinking about you too.
LIZ: Oh yeah, and just what were you thinking?
HOWARD: I’m starting to think I should take off my shoes before I permanently jam my feet in
my mouth.
GINA: So Howard, you’re not such a slow learner after all?
LIZ: What is it you learned, Howard?
GINA: Care to share with the rest of the class?
HOWARD: It’s hard to describe. I’d need to do a demonstration.
LIZ: I volunteer.
GINA: I’ll be the audience. And also the refs. Someone needs to judge.
(DANIELLE enters.)
DANIELLE: Who’s in need of a judge?
GINA: We don’t need two. One of us should participate.
DANIELLE: Howard, were you judging whether Gina or me was better last night?
HOWARD: No, this is–
GINA: Oh, that’s a great idea. Who took the cake?
DANIELLE: Who was the better professor?
HOWARD: You can’t compare teachers. That’s like comparing apples and oranges.
LIZ: I prefer oranges.
(MARCY enters.)
MARCY: Sorry I’m late. Did I miss anything?
HOWARD: I don’t know the right answer to that one.
DANIELLE: Not all that much.
GINA: We were just getting warmed up.
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LIZ: Tonight, he tells us his decision.
MARCY: I didn’t realize that was tonight. Howard, there will be no hard feelings.
GINA: I did kind of like it this way.
LIZ: Gina, Howard’s not used to this kind of thing. It’s too much for him. Let’s let him buckle
down.
DANIELLE: But then what’s left for the rest of us?
HOWARD: Contrary to popular belief, I’m really not God’s gift to women.
MARCY: Is he deciding now, or do we discuss this over dinner?
GINA: Depends if it’s his treat or not. If it is, we get a free meal out of it. If not, I’d say we
could just pack our bags.
HOWARD: I can’t make any decisions with this. I never decided for this to happen in the first
place. I still don’t know how this happened. One day, I’m poor, lonely, disheveled Howard.
The next day I’m the pimp daddy.
GINA: You mean the Mac Daddy.
HOWARD: Whatever you like, as long as you don’t call me Howie.
DANIELLE: And as long as you don’t call me "Dan-YELL." See, we have something in
common. I think that’s why we get along so well.
HOWARD: I think you’d better leave.
DANIELLE: Excuse me?
HOWARD: Not just you, Dan-YELL. All of you. Gina, Liz, Marcy, why don’t you just go on
home.
LIZ: Not until you make your decision.
HOWARD: I just did.
MARCY: I’m sorry, I must not have heard you.
HOWARD: You can all leave now. Good night.
DANIELLE: Howard, stop playing games with us.
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GINA: Isn’t he funny?
HOWARD: No, he isn’t funny. He is turning down four of the most incredible opportunities of
his life. He might be a moron. He might even be rude. But he is tired, and he, in some
uncannily warped way, wants some of his old life back.
LIZ: Girls, he’s lost it. Maybe we should come back tomorrow.
HOWARD: There is no tomorrow. Thank you, Liz, love, you just finalized my decision. I will
not be seeing any of you tomorrow. Nor the day after. If I run into any of you in the Dining
Hall, I will not be sitting at your table eating egg salad sandwiches sliced diagonally with you. I
will not be chatting with you online, succumbing to your invitations for me to fail out of school
but have fun in the process. Before all of you, I had a list. On this list were people’s names. I
believe Liz’s name was on it, even when Kevin still had a thing for her, but that’s why her name
was on the bottom. I had crossed Gina off my list after the whole Oedipus Complex incident.
Gina, you and your whole family need some serious psychiatric help. It’s not just your brother.
Check in your mother who fielded his affection, your father who might get killed because of it,
you for having to deal with all these screwballs, and even have the felafel examined in the
process. It’ll do you some good. Then there’s Danielle, sweetheart. You were scared to death
to do a kissing scene. I actually tongued your ear. Now, if I tongued your ear, you’d think it’s
the most creative, romantic gesture a guy’s ever made to you, but I slip up and do it while
rehearsing a kissing scene, and you go nuts. Danny boy, you never were much of an actress in
the first place. I wanted you as a partner just because I wanted to get something going with you,
but you went out of your way to prove me wrong. For the next scene, I’ll choose a monologue,
because a non-existent partner is better than the dense hunk of plywood that you are. Oh, and
Marcy, I can’t forget sweet Marcy. They say a baby bird would think a shoe is its mother if it
sees the shoe just after birth. With you, timing is everything. One minute you have your
boyfriend, he leaves you and you find Sven, your boyfriend comes back and you take him, you
have another whim and you follow me. Go, find another whim. I can’t afford to be your latest
fad. Good evening, fair maidens. Hope you enjoy dinner, wherever you end up going. I hope
it is clear by now that I will not be joining you. Please accept my humble apologies, good night,
and good riddance.
GINA: He’s serious, isn’t he?
LIZ: Goodbye, Howard. (She exits.)
MARCY: He’s crazy, he’s insane that’s all. Howard, I’ll call you tomorrow.
HOWARD: Marcy, if you call me tomorrow, I will have my phones tapped until I have enough
to put a restraining on you. That’ll give your parents something else to be proud of.
MARCY: Is Sven still–
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HOWARD: Sven is still seeing Buzz, a man. Marcy, he is not interested. Goodbye.
(MARCY exits.)
DANIELLE: I’ll see you in class. If you do need a scene partner–
HOWARD: Then I will look somewhere else.
(DANIELLE exits.)
GINA: I really was flattered that you liked me earlier. Just bad timing, that’s all.
HOWARD: Yes, bad timing. Another time, another place, and we could have had a different
kind of failed relationship. That’s a joke, sort of.
GINA: I know. So, do I get one last kiss goodbye, just since I was first on the list?
HOWARD: How about a kiss, just because you’re the beautiful, sweet girl I almost fell in love
with.
GINA: That’s a much better reason. It would make for a much better kiss.
HOWARD: I thought it would. (He kisses her and can’t seem to pull himself away.)
GINA: You’ve changed, Howard.
HOWARD: Yes, I suppose that’s true.
GINA: And maybe another time, another place...
HOWARD: I could fall in love with you again.
GINA: I guess I should be going.
HOWARD: Yes, I think that would be best, for both of us. I’ll call you.
GINA: I’d like that.
HOWARD: Good.
(She kisses him gently, and walks out.)
GINA: You’ve definitely changed.
HOWARD: Until another time...
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(She exits. HOWARD is left alone, staring at the door.)
Blackout.
Scene Six
Later the following night, KEVIN and REBECCA are upstage in her room, sparsely
furnished much like LIZ’s room from Act One. They’re returning from The French Connection,
and it appears something there didn’t connect perfectly with KEVIN’s digestive tract.
REBECCA (entering): Are you sure you wouldn’t like to return to your room, get some rest?
KEVIN (entering, occasionally gripping his stomach): I’m fine, really. We’ve already had to
postpone our anniversary for two days, and I’d hate to do it a third. A friend of mine once said
that an anniversary strictly applies to years, so that an anniversary based on months should
perhaps be called a luniversary. If that’s so, what would a one-week anniversary be called?
REBECCA: A quarter-luniversary, maybe?
KEVIN: A quarter-luniversary with cheese. Presenting the new processed meat sandwich that’s
outta this world!
REBECCA: How about we just call it a one-week anniversary?
KEVIN: Or in our case, a nine day anniversary.
REBECCA: Yeah, that’s quite a week.
KEVIN: I’ve loved every day of it.
REBECCA: That’s sweet.
KEVIN: Well, that’s not all.
REBECCA: What do you mean.
KEVIN: I have one last touch for the evening. (From his jacket pocket, he removes the card.)
REBECCA: What’s this?
KEVIN: It’s not a check from grandma.
REBECCA: The seven roses at the table, the seven waiters serenading us tonight, the seven
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french fries on my plate arranged in the shape of a heart, it’s too much!
KEVIN: No, not enough. I should have used nine.
REBECCA: I never really expected a French restaurant to have french fries.
KEVIN: We’re not exactly in Manhattan here. They have to appeal to the locals.
REBECCA: I guess you’re right.
KEVIN: The card.
REBECCA: Oh, the card. (She hesitates.) How about we save the card for a minute. Can we
talk, just for a bit?
KEVIN: I’d treasure every word.
REBECCA: You sure about that?
KEVIN: I thought I was. Why is that poulet starting to have another surge?
REBECCA: I don’t think it’s the food.
KEVIN: Something’s sure not agreeing with me.
REBECCA: It’s me.
KEVIN: "It’s not the food, it’s me." Rebecca, that might be a first.
REBECCA: We need to talk.
KEVIN: I thought the card would be a good conversation piece.
REBECCA: I think we both know something’s not right.
KEVIN: You weren’t sick then, were you? You didn’t even have the sniffles.
REBECCA: How did you know?
KEVIN: Stacy, a friend of mine, I was talking to her that night. She just had a hunch.
REBECCA (hoping she has an out): Stacy, she’s just a friend?
KEVIN: Of course. Rebecca, she’s in high school.
REBECCA: Oh. Oh, okay.
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KEVIN: If I didn’t know better, I’d say that you were almost hoping there was something
between me and Stacy.
REBECCA: Don’t be silly.
KEVIN: Rebecca, apparently you have a lot of things on your mind that aren’t on mine, so I
think you better start talking.
REBECCA: Do you remember how it was, back when we were just friends?
KEVIN: How can I forget. We had some good times then.
REBECCA: Exactly.
KEVIN: And we’re having some now.
REBECCA: Well, yes, in a different way.
KEVIN: Yeah, I guess, considering you never handed me your bra when we were just friends.
REBECCA: That, for instance. You still can’t take spontaneity. You still can’t accept a bit of
something surprisingly fun. For a restaurant, you need reservations. You’re great with the
pre-planning, you have the entire night worked out from beginning to end. But then I try my
own twist, insert a bit of the Rebecca version, and you fall to pieces.
KEVIN: Rebecca, one week ago, make that nine days ago today, you walked in the door of my
suite, said you made a grave mistake and wanted to make things right. I was your answer to
make things right.
REBECCA: I was wrong.
KEVIN: You were WRONG? All of a sudden, you’re wrong. One minute you you’re right,
the next minute you’re right too, just about something different.
REBECCA: Let’s calm down, let’s talk this out.
KEVIN: I’m sorry if I’m a bit flustered here, but right when I think everything’s going perfectly,
I’m finding out my own girlfriend lied to me, faked sick because for some reason she didn’t want
to see me, came into my suite on a moment’s notice and is willing to walk out just the same.
So, care to lay your cards on the table? Show all of ‘em, show me your hand. Tell me just
what it was that gave you the 24 hour bug. I deserve that much.
REBECCA: I needed a night to think.
KEVIN: You can think all you want. Thought doesn’t just stop.
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REBECCA: To think, to work things out.
KEVIN: What is it that you needed to work out?
REBECCA: I started thinking about what made me walk into your suite that night, nine days
ago.
KEVIN: Funny, I thought you wanted to start a relationship. I thought you actually
acknowledged that it seemed we’d be going out, that it seemed there really was some spark
between us that just didn’t ignite until now. But tell me what you thought. I’m dying to hear
this one.
REBECCA: Something had happened that night, I went running.
KEVIN: You ran to the right place. And it didn’t quite seem you were just in need of a friend.
Funny, but throwing yourself on me and kissing me like that didn’t seem like you just wanted a
shoulder to lean on.
REBECCA: It was Dom.
KEVIN: It was Dom. Three letters that have made me and broken me, took my life away from
me, gave it back, and now why is it I get the feeling that he’s taking it from me again. Now
Dom is back, isn’t he. Is he under the bed? In the closet maybe. Dom! I know you’re in
here! Come out and show yourself and expose yourself for the scoundrel you really are! Dom!
REBECCA: You’re mad, Kevin, absolutely mad.
KEVIN: Too bad for you we can’t blame it on salmonella. That would have been convenient.
Really a shame. Dom. He’s back. This freaking non-Jew, I mean they say Italians and Jews
have a lot in common, and now one other thing we share is a taste in women. This is great.
Dom, show yourself!
REBECCA: That night, we had gotten into a fight, I went running, I remembered back to months
before, you were the only one I could turn to.
KEVIN: Well, I’m glad your mother didn’t live nearby. I think she would have been a bit
surprised if you lassoed your tongue around her tonsils!
REBECCA: And I’ve done some thinking.
KEVIN: You sure do a lot of that. Maybe you should be a philosopher or something. You
need your own tree, and all the poor, aimless people can come to you for your words of wisdom.
REBECCA: The leaving him, the starting up with you, it all happened way too fast.
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KEVIN: Happened kind of quickly for me too. This wasn’t quite what I was expecting.
REBECCA: But it’s different for me.
KEVIN: Everything’s different for Rebecca. Do your thinking, live life on a whim, go nuts,
Rebecca. And Dom! Show yourself!
REBECCA: Just what would you say to him if he was in here?
KEVIN: I’d spit in his eye and then walk out with none of my dignity intact.
REBECCA: And you’d think it’s better that way?
KEVIN: What happened? Why were you sick? Tell me it was Dom so the internal bleeding
can come full swing and give me the stroke I’m in need of right now. I’m just dying for a good
dose of cardiac arrest.
REBECCA: It wasn’t like that.
KEVIN: It wasn’t like what? It was Dom, say it! Dom! Confess!
REBECCA: He came by.
KEVIN: Say it.
REBECCA (in hysterics): It was Dom! Damn you, now that I’ve said it, what good is it going
to do either of us right now? What good is it going to do any of us? He came by, he wanted
me back–
KEVIN: And you said yes.
REBECCA: I told him to leave.
KEVIN: But he didn’t.
REBECCA: Not right away. But nothing happened then. I made him leave, but he left me
confused, especially since he touched on a couple of things I’d been thinking about since we
started up, and I just needed the night off. With us, it was all too much, too fast.
KEVIN: And somehow this too much was still not enough on my part.
REBECCA: If you leave now, maybe we can salvage a friendship out of this.
KEVIN: So now you’re the comedian. Nice one. You think after tonight we’ll ever be able to
look each other in the eye again?
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REBECCA: It can happen.
KEVIN: Do I really want it to happen? I’ll never be able to look at you without thinking of all
the feelings I’ve ever had for you, and tonight those feelings run the gamut. You can’t just
control emotion like that. It can’t be turned on and off like a can opener.
REBECCA: A can opener?
KEVIN: Yeah, I thought that was kind of weird too. Rebecca, I’m walking out this door. I’m
probably going to vomit in the hallway. But I’m not going to be calling you any time soon.
You killed it, I want you to know that, you killed it. (He storms out.)
REBECCA: Kevin! Oh, he’ll calm down. We’ll be able to talk when he calms down a bit.
(She picks up the card.) I did the right thing, I know I did. (She reads.) With you my life was
rearranged. Here’s seven ways my life has changed. First, you came into my life–
(Without knocking, DOM comes in, and startles REBECCA, causing her to drop the
card.)
DOM: Rebecca, you haven’t called me.
REBECCA: Dom, leave, now.
DOM: Where’s Kevin?
REBECCA: You not only have bad timing but bad taste.
(DOM sees the card, picks it up, and starts to read.)
DOM: Hmmm... he rhymed beauty and duty. I like that.
REBECCA: DOM! (She grabs the card from him, and starts pushing him to the door.)
DOM: I’ll call you.
REBECCA: I’ll hang up the phone.
DOM: Rebecca, things will be alright with us. They will.
REBECCA: Well, you can go on telling yourself that on the way out. I think it would be in
your best interest to find someone else.
DOM: Tomorrow we’ll talk.
REBECCA: Goodbye.
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(He exits. REBECCA picks up the card, opens it, and nearly comes to tears.)
Dimout.
Scene Seven
We’re in Suite 114, a week later. HOWARD is rehearsing a monologue in his room.
He has more confidence, more poise, and he’s resembling a pretty good actor. KEVIN and
YEHUDA are in their room, just hanging out. A bit of order has been restored. KEVIN has
become a bit messier, and YEHUDA managed to straighten up. Granted, YEHUDA isn’t
completely anal like he was, but let’s just assume all the change is for the better.
KEVIN: So, want to order pizza?
YEHUDA: I can’t. I’m expecting someone.
KEVIN: What’s going on?
YEHUDA: You’ll see in a bit.
KEVIN: You hear Howard rehearsing in there?
YEHUDA: Yeah, he’s not half bad.
KEVIN: So you think it’s really the acting class that did it?
YEHUDA: I don’t think any acting class could have such a dramatic impact, especially in a
week’s time.
KEVIN: Well, something’s come over him.
YEHUDA: Seems soon as the women left, that’s what did it.
KEVIN: I always thought his issue was that he needed a woman.
YEHUDA: Four probably fried a circuit breaker in there.
KEVIN: That’d do it.
YEHUDA: So you had no problem with him seeing Liz?
KEVIN: Ha! For one thing, she proved she wasn’t worth my time, and Howard learned the
same. Then there was the whole Rebecca thing. Drooled over her for months and we hardly
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lasted a week.
YEHUDA: Have you spoken to her since?
KEVIN: No, it’s rough. I mean, with the breakup, that would have been nice if it wasn’t so
harsh, but I think we both have a lot that we don’t want to say to each other.
YEHUDA: Is she back with–
KEVIN: Dom? I heard through a friend of his she’ll never speak to him again. He took it
much harder than I did.
(The suite door opens. YEHUDA rises, expecting someone, but to his dismay, it’s
GINA.)
GINA: Hello, Yehuda.
YEHUDA: Gina, hi.
GINA: Everything okay?
YEHUDA: Just that I was expecting someone else.
GINA: Howard is in, right?
YEHUDA: Yes, go on in.
(She enters HOWARD’s room; YEHUDA goes back into his.)
GINA: Howard, I don’t want to interrupt.
HOWARD: No, not at all. Please, sit down. I’m glad you came.
GINA: You look good.
HOWARD: I’ve been trying to take care of myself.
GINA: It’s weird, you’re one of the few people I never get to see around.
HOWARD: I keep a full schedule.
GINA: Oh.
HOWARD: But I’m glad you came. I really could use some feedback on the monologue.
GINA: Think there’s ever room for a duet?
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HOWARD: You heard the story with me and Danielle. You’d actually want to do a scene with
me after that?
GINA: I think having your tongue in my ear would be kind of kinky. I’m just kidding with you,
Howard.
HOWARD: You’re not entirely.
GINA: You’re right, I guess.
HOWARD: You know, I could use a break from rehearsing. I’ve been going over this scene
twenty, thirty times by now. How about if we just talk?
GINA: Just talk?
HOWARD: Well, yeah.
GINA: You really are sweet, Howard. (She kisses him, softly.)
HOWARD: Well, we don’t have to just talk. But let’s take things slowly. Sometimes things
happen so quickly, you start acting before you have a chance to think. I don’t want that to
happen.
GINA: Neither do I.
HOWARD: Then we’re off to a good start.
(Lights go out on 114A and up on 114B.)
KEVIN: You get your philosophy paper back yet?
YEHUDA: Pulled an A. Turns out my professor relates to Bruce Wayne.
(A knock is heard at the suite door. YEHUDA jumps out of his seat and opens it, and
his expectation holds true. ARIELLE enters.)
ARIELLE: I’m glad you called.
YEHUDA: I’m glad you came. Here, come, sit. (They sit in the common area.)
ARIELLE: So, how’ve you been?
YEHUDA: Lonely, really lonely. I mean, I’ve been single, I’ve done that, but I, well, I don’t
think I need to continue.
ARIELLE: It’s still nice to hear. I want to apologize. I left here in a hurry, just something
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really set me off. I don’t know what it was, but I felt compelled to leave.
YEHUDA: You don’t have to explain anything. I can sometimes be hard to deal with. Maybe
spending a couple weeks so alone did me some good.
ARIELLE: Maybe it did us some good.
YEHUDA: Do you mean...
ARIELLE: I think there can be an "us" again. I think we’d be stupid not to try.
(KEVIN pokes his head in the suite.)
KEVIN: You’re too damn perfect for each other. Arielle, as much of a pain as he is to deal with
normally, he’s even worse depressed.
YEHUDA: Kev, you’re bound to be so fortunate one of these days. You almost found
something good.
KEVIN: Almost, Yehuda. Almost.
(GABRIEL bursts through the door.)
GABRIEL: Yehuda, Kevin, and, whoops, I almost thought you were someone else, hi Arielle.
ARIELLE: Hello, Gabriel.
YEHUDA: Hi, Gabe.
GABRIEL: Arielle, will I be seeing you around here more often?
(ARIELLE and YEHUDA look at each other.)
YEHUDA: We’ll see. Kev, would you mind if we went in the room to talk things out?
KEVIN: Go right ahead. (The two enter 114B, and lights remain solely on the suite.) Gabriel,
I was hoping you’d show up.
GABRIEL: Really?
KEVIN: Yeah, I’m just wondering, was this all your plan? Did you intend all of this, from the
start?
GABRIEL: Please explain. Was what my plan?
KEVIN: The breakups, the get-togethers, the changes of fate only to reverse upon themselves.
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GABRIEL: Kev, have you been getting enough sleep?
KEVIN: Gabe, it’s me. You don’t have to hide anything. Here, let’s leave the suite. (KEVIN
grabs GABRIEL and tries to walk through the suite wall, as they had done earlier. GABRIEL,
thinking KEVIN has absolutely lost it, pulls back, as KEVIN tries to throw himself through this
imaginary wall. Too bad for him, he can’t cross through it, and gets knocked backwards by the
force.)
GABRIEL: You wanted me to fall back on my ass. That’s a good one. Kev, really, check
yourself into the nuthouse.
KEVIN: The whole bit, me seeing Rebecca, Howard actually having luck with women, Yehuda’s
breakup, Sven being gay, you altered it. You said that’s what I thought everyone deserved, and
that’s what happened. Is this really what we deserved?
GABRIEL: Kevin, everyone’s luck is bound to change. Life sometimes brings the unexpected.
I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say besides overstating the obvious. Throwing yourself at walls
and saying I did all this isn’t going to help any.
KEVIN: Now everything’s changed back, or at least different.
(SVEN enters the suite with BUZZ, arm in arm, then goes into his room, sees he can’t
have it to himself, looks around in the suite, sees he can’t be alone, and exits.)
GABRIEL: That was Sven right there. He still has a boyfriend.
KEVIN: I don’t understand you. Wait, I saw you in the Nature Preserve, with the notepad.
GABRIEL: I was taking notes for my environmental studies class. We have to keep a journal.
Kevin, really, I know you’re stressed out. Get some sleep.
KEVIN: You’re not God, you’re not the playwright, you’re his copy editor.
GABRIEL: No, I’m a friend of yours, and a friend of Yehuda’s, and I really wish I could help
you out with whatever you’re going through. Here, let’s try something. Why do people turn to
God?
KEVIN: When the need answers, when they need help, when they’re lost.
GABRIEL: Those are all good explanations. Now look at it this way. A lot of things happened
to you, in a very short period of time. Without having a chance to weep over Liz, Rebecca
walked back into your life. At the same time, you had to deal with Yehuda’s depression,
Howard’s newfound potency, and, well, there’s always Sven. So you need help, you need
answers, you need to turn to someone.
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KEVIN: So why would I choose you?
GABRIEL: I’m big, lovable Gabe. I burst into your room on a moment’s notice, I know vast
amounts of useless information. I think I make a pretty good candidate for the God role if ever
there was one.
KEVIN: I suppose there’s some logic. So the whole bit, walking through walls, hearing your
voice...
GABRIEL: A dream, a fantasy, a prophecy, a hallucination. Whatever you want to call it,
whatever it was, I can’t answer that.
KEVIN: But the rest of it, it did happen, right?
GABRIEL: Rebecca and Liz, the fivesome, the breakup, the coming out?
KEVIN: All of the above.
GABRIEL: Do you feel changed?
KEVIN: Unlike I’ve ever felt before.
GABRIEL: And Howard, and Yehuda, are they the same?
KEVIN: In some ways, I can hardly recognize them.
GABRIEL: Then you better hope all that was real.
KEVIN: Thank you, Gabe. I appreciate it. Sometimes, you make a hell of a lot of sense.
GABRIEL: Anytime, Kev. Hope things settle down a bit. Good night.
KEVIN: Good night. (He sits back, and closes his eyes.)
(GABRIEL "walks through the wall," and exits stage left.)
Blackout.
THE END
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