Dr. Elena Klaw

This module of the Welcoming Warriors Home Manual
(Klaw, Townsend, & Demers, 2012) is designed to
facilitate veterans’ understanding of what constitutes a
healthy relationship and to learn effective
communication skills and techniques … to foster
healthy relationships with a partner.
Topics:
 Arguing in healthy vs. unhealthy relationships.
 Ways to cultivate healthy relationships
 Repairing relationships after conflict
*Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles
for making marriage work. New York: Three Rivers Press.
 Even
in happy partnerships, 69% of the
conflicts never get resolved (a salient issue
now often remains a salient issue years
onward) (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
 What
might be common sources of conflict
for vets and their partners?
 If
the issue does not get resolved, then how
are two people able to go forward in their
relationship?
 What
matters is not how much we argue, but
HOW:
 Arguing occurs in both healthy and
unhealthy relationships; what’s important is
whether we show respect & acceptance vs.
contempt for our partner.
 70%
of partners felt the quality of their
relationship was a determining factor in
whether they were satisfied with sex,
romance, and passion they shared together
(Gottman & Silver, 1999).


Couples in happy relationships are aware of nearly
all of the positive actions that partners did for
them, whereas in unhappy relationships, 50% of the
time, each person only observes their partner’s
negative actions (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
In the heat of an argument, healthy relationships
are found to have 5-to-1 positive comments or
behaviors for every negative comment. Similarly,
when a relationship is smooth, a 20-to-1 ratio has
been observed (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
 Turning
toward your partner can entail
affection, humor, support, or even an
apology if things have gone awry
(Gottman & Silver, 1999; Hoge, 2010).
 What
does it mean for veterans and their
partners to focus on turning toward, not
away from each other?
 Once
an individual’s heart rate rises above 95
beats per minute, cortisol and adrenaline are
released (stress hormones- the fight or flight
response is initiated).The physiological effects
are known as flooding and characterized by
rapid breathing, increased heart rate, muscle
tension, and sweating.
 Perceptions narrow, making it virtually
impossible to have a productive, problem
solving discussion (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
 For
men, once their heart rate (HR) is
elevated, they are more likely to sustain
angry thoughts after a fight. It takes men
longer for their HR and blood pressure (BP)
to return to normal in contrast to women,
who’s HR and BP recover more quickly.

This may be the reason women raise 80% of
the issues in a relationship, and why men
avoid discussing them (Gottman &
Silver,1999)!


After emotional flooding, it’s best to take a 20minute break (minimum time to recover
physiologically) to allow each partner to calm
down before resuming the discussion.
One of the differences between a healthy and
unhealthy relationship is how often couples
respond to bids for affection or relationship
repair. In healthy relationships, members
respond 86% of the time to bids for affection or
relationship repair, whereas couples in unhealthy
relationships respond positively only 33%
(Gottman & Silver, 1999).
 Veterans
and the rest of us can learn to
manage conflict better
 What are key strategies?
Take partner’s perspective using empathy “I’m
sorry you had a hard day.”
 Don’t trivialize or belittle a partner’s experience.
 Turn toward by asking for/offering affection,
using humor, giving compliments.
 Take Breaks.
 Show appreciation and respect for your partner
(At least 5 to1 positive for every negative).
 Focus on shared goals vs. resolving every issue;
Winning the relationships vs. the argument.
 Connect to resources if needed e.g. counseling,
clergy, support groups.
