Talking with your Kids
Objectives
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You can use encouragement to help build your
child’s self-esteem.
Encouragement can help your child to feel
loved, accepted, respected, and valued.
Praise and encouragement are not the same
thing.
Praise
is to express approval or admiration
of….
A synonym is approve which means
to judge favorably or consider
agreeable or good.
Encourage
• is to inspire with courage,
spirit, or confidence…
• Synonyms
− Hearten
− Reassure
− support
Differences
Praise
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Focus on external control
Focus on external
evaluation
Encourage
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Focus on self control
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Focus on internal evaluation
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Rewarded for well done
tasks
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Focuses on self evaluation
and personal gain
Recognizes effort and
improvement
Focuses on assets,
contributions, and
appreciation
Praise
Underlying
Characteristics
Focus is on external
control.
What Child May
Hear or Perceive
Possible
Results
Child learns to
measure worth by
ability to conform;
“I am worthwhile
only when I do what or, child rebels
(views any form of
you want.”
cooperation as
giving in).
Praise
Underlying
Characteristics
Focus is more on
external evaluation.
What Child May
Hear or Perceive
“To be worthwhile I
must please you,”
“Please or perish.”
Possible
Results
Child learns to
measure worth on
how well he/she
pleases others.
Child learns to fear
disapproval.
Praise
Underlying
Characteristics
Is rewarding only for
well done, completed
tasks.
What Child May
Hear or Perceive
“To be worthwhile I
must meet your
standards.”
Possible
Results
Child develops
unrealistic
standards and
learns to measure
worth by how
closely she/he
reaches perfection.
Child learns to
dread failure.
Praise
Underlying
Characteristics
What Child May
Hear or Perceive
Possible
Results
Focuses on selfelevation and personal
gain.
“I’m the best. I must
continue to be better
than others to be
worthwhile.”
Child learns to be
over competitive, to
get ahead at the
expense of others.
Feels worthwhile
only when “on top.”
Encouragement
Underlying
Characteristics
Focus is on child’s
ability to manage life
constructively.
What Child May
Hear or Perceive
Possible
Results
Child learns
courage to be
imperfect and
“I am trusted to
become responsible willingness to try.
Child gains selfand independent.”
confidence and
comes to feel
responsible for own
behavior.
Encouragement
Underlying
Characteristics
What Child May
Hear or Perceive
Focus is on internal
evaluation.
“How I feel about
myself and my own
efforts is most
important.”
Possible
Results
Child learns to
evaluate own
progress and to
make own
decisions.
Encouragement
Underlying
Characteristics
Recognizes effort and
improvement.
What Child May
Hear or Perceive
“I don’t have to be
perfect. My efforts
and improvements
are important.
Possible
Results
Child learns to
accept efforts of self
and others. Child
develops desire to
stay with tasks
(persistence).
Encouragement
Underlying
Characteristics
Focuses on assets,
contributions, and
appreciation.
What Child May
Hear or Perceive
“My contribution
counts. I am
appreciated.”
Possible
Results
Child learns to use
talents and efforts
for good of all, not
only for personal
gain. Child learns to
feel glad for
successes of others
as well as for own
successes.
Points to Remember
Taken from a Teacher’s Handbook (Dinkmeyer)
• Encouragement is helping students
believe in themselves and in their abilities.
• Encouragement is a basic attitude toward
yourself and other people.
• Encouragement is different from praise.
Praise goes to those who excel or come in
first; encouragement can be given for any
positive movement. Encouragement does
not have to be earned.
Points to Remember Cont.
Taken from a Teacher’s Handbook (Dinkmeyer)
• Praise places a value judgment on the
student. Encouragement focuses on the
work and effort, treating the student with
acceptance and respect.
• Encouragement accepts students as they
are, not as they could be.
• Encouragement helps the learner develop
the courage to be imperfect.
Points to Remember Cont.
Taken from a Teacher’s Handbook (Dinkmeyer)
• Mistakes are not failures. They can
promote learning.
• The first step in encouragement is to stop
making negative comments about
students.
• Identify talents, assets, positive attitudes
and goals. Every student has strengths.
Points to Remember Cont.
Taken from a Teacher’s Handbook (Dinkmeyer)
• Factors which discourage include:
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Negative expectation
Unreasonably high standards
Competition
Over ambition
Double standards
• Be an asset finder, not a fault finder
The Language of Encouragement
Phrases that demonstrate acceptance:
“ You seem to like that activity.”
“It’s nice that you enjoy learning.”
“I can tell you’re pleased with it.”
“Since you’re not satisfied, what do you think
you can do so you’ll feel happier with it?”
“It looks like you enjoyed that.”
“How do you feel about it?”
The Language of Encouragement
Phrases that show confidence:
“ Knowing you, I’m sure you will do fine.”
“You’ll make it.”
“I have confidence in your judgment.”
“That’s a tough one, but I think you can work
it out.”
“You’ll figure it out.”
“I’ve got the confidence that you can do it”
The Language of Encouragement
Phrases that focus on contributions,
assets, and appreciation:
“ Thanks, that helped a lot.”
“It was thoughtful of you to do______,
because it makes my job easier.”
“I need your help on_______.”
To a family group: “I really enjoyed today.
Thanks.”
“You have the skill in ______. Would you do
that for the family?
The Language of Encouragement
Phrases that recognize effort and
improvement:
“ You really worked hard on that!”
“Looks like you spent a lot of time thinking
that through.”
“I see you’re moving along.”
“Look at the progress you’ve made:_____.”
(Be specific; tell how.)
“You’re improving in ______.” (Be specific.)
“You may not feel you’ve reached your goal,
but look how far you’ve come!”
Encouragement
Focus:
Student’s ability to mange life
constructively
Message sent to
student:
I trust you to become responsible and
independent.
Possible results:
Student learns courage to be imperfect
and willingness to try. Student gains
self-confidence and comes to feel
responsible for own behavior.
Encouragement
Focus:
Internal evaluation
Message sent to
student:
How you feel about yourself and your
own effort is most important.
Possible results:
Student learns to evaluate own
progress and to make own decisions.
Encouragement
Focus:
Effort and improvement
Message sent to
student:
You don’t have to be perfect. Effort and
improvement are important.
Possible results:
Student learns to accept effort of self
and others. Student develops desire
to stay with tasks persistence).
Encouragement
Focus:
Assets, contributions, and appreciation.
Message sent to
student:
Your contribution counts. We function better
with you. We appreciate what you have
done.
Possible results:
Student learns to use talents and efforts for
good of all, not only for personal gain.
Student learns to feel glad for successes of
others as well as for own sucesses.
Conclusion
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You have seen how self-esteem and
encouragement are connected.
You have found ways to show acceptence,
faith, and appreciation.
You have learned the difference between
praise and encouragement.
You have seen that too much praise can be
discouraging.
Conclusion Cont.
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You learned and practiced the language of
encouragement.
You have considered many ways to show
encouragement.
Homework
Part 1:
I want each of you to write a letter of
encouragement to each child you have. Write
about the progress they have made in the last
year, only focus on their strengths and what you
like about them. Then give it to them.
Part 2:
I then want each of you to make some notes of
their (initial) reactions to class next week and we
will cover them quickly before getting started.
Praise is a reward
&
Encouragement is a gift