
Why might LGBTQ people want to come out to friends/relatives?
- end the “hiding game”
- feel closer to those people
- be able to be “whole” around them
- stop wasting energy by hiding all the time
- feel like they have integrity
- to make a statement that “gay is ok”

What might they be afraid of?
- rejection – loss of relationships
- gossip
- harassment/abuse
- being thrown out of family
- being thrown out of house
- being forced to undergo psychotherapy
- having their lover arrested
- loss of financial support
- losing their job
- physical violence

How might LGBTQ people feel about their coming out to someone? Why?
- scared
- relieved
- vulnerable
- wondering how the person will react
- proud

How might someone feel after someone comes out to them?
- scared
- shocked
- disbelieving
- uncomfortable
- not sure what to say
- not sure what to do next
- wondering why the person “came out”
- supportive
- flattered
- honored
- angry
- disgusted

What do you think LGBTQ people want from the people they come out to?
- acceptance
- support
- understanding
- comfort
- closer friendship
- that knowing won’t negatively affect their relationship
- a hug and a smile
- an acknowledgement of their feelings
WHAT DO I DO IF SOMEONE COMES OUT TO ME?
1.
Listen. Coming out takes a lot of courage and may be the culmination of months or years of
personally coming to terms with ones sexuality. The gay person shares this information with
a keen understanding of the risks involved. It may also be the case that this person simply
wants to include you in their life and share something personal about themselves.
2.
Remain neutral and non-judgmental. This is especially important when dealing with people
who are just coming out. There is no way for the gay person to predict your reaction
accurately. You have spent your entire life in a society that teaches you to despise gay
people. They’ve come to you because they trust you! The things you say or do can have a
very strong impact on this person. This exchange of intimate information should not be seen
as an opportunity for you to advocate a particular way of life or discuss the moral
ramifications of homosexuality.
3.
Ask sensitive questions and be willing to learn. Avoid asking questions that imply that there
is something wrong with being gay, lesbian, or bisexual (e.g., “What do you think caused
your homosexuality?”; “How can you live a normal life?”) Also, avoid asking questions that
would have been considered rude within the relationship before this disclosure; this person
has the same sensibilities as before. Some good questions to ask are:
 How long have you known you were gay?
 Is there someone special?
 Has it been hard for you carrying this secret?
 Is there some way I can help you?
 Have I ever offended you unknowingly?
4.
Be supportive. Let them know that you are there to talk with, or just as someone who will
listen. For people just coming out, they may not be aware of resources available to them, or
they many not feel comfortable approaching other people about the subject. You don’t need
to be an expert on the subject to be supportive, just remember to remain open-minded!
5.
Help the person recognize their own self-oppressive beliefs. (e.g., “I’ll never be able to have
kids.”)
6.
Don’t ignore it. When a person chooses to come out to you, it may be because they are tired
of living in secrecy. Being gay and not being able to tell anyone can be very frustrating.
Make an effort to take an interest in this part of their life.
7.
Don’t make their sexuality the extent of your interactions. While it is important to
acknowledge and validate a person’s sexual orientation, it is not necessary to let this topic
dominate your interactions. It is important to remember that they gay person has not
changed. You may be shocked by their revelation, but remember that this is still the same
person as before.
8.
Be honest and open. It’s okay to admit that you don’t know everything, or even anything.
It’s also okay to admit being uncomfortable with this subject. Be honest though! Your own
discomfort with the subject may come across as discomfort with the person or their sexuality.
If someone who has become out to you wants detailed information or is in need of more indepth counseling, it is perfectly acceptable to suggest that they speak with someone more
educated on the subject.
You may well be tempted to break the bond you have with this gay person. Though he or she has
not changed, the information now confronts you and your homophobic training.
Actively Participating: Telling oppressive jokes, putting down people from
target groups, intentionally avoiding target group members, discriminating
against target group members, verbally or physically harassing target group
members.
Denying, Ignoring: Enabling oppression by denying that target group members
are oppressed. Does not actively oppress, but by denying that oppression exists,
colludes with oppression.
Recognizing, No Action: Is aware of oppressive actions by self or others and their
harmful effects, but takes no action to stop this behavior. This inaction is the
result of fear, lack of information, confusion about what to do. Experiences
discomfort at the contradiction between awareness and action.
Recognizing, Action: Is aware of oppression, recognizes oppressive actions of self
and others and takes action to stop it.
Educating Self: Taking actions to learn more about oppression and the
experiences and heritage of target group members by reading. Attending
workshops, seminars, cultural events, participating in discussions, joining
organizations or groups that oppose oppression, attending social action and
change events.
Educating Others: Moving beyond only educating self to question and dialogue
with others too. Rather than only stopping oppressive comments or behaviors,
also engaging people in discussion to share why you object to a comment or
action.
Supporting, Encouraging: Supporting others who speak out against oppression
or who are working to be more inclusive of target group members by backing up
others who speak out, forming an allies group, joining a coalition group.
Initiating, Preventing: Working to change individual and institutional actions
and policies that discriminate against target group members, planning
educational programs or other events, working for passage of legislation that
protects target group members from discrimination, being explicit about making
sure target group members are full participants in organizations or groups.
Created by P. Griffin and B. Harro, 1982
Ally Contract
I, _________________, hereby have permission to be
imperfect with regards to homophobia and
heterosexism. It is OK that I do not know all the
answers or if, at times, my ignorance and
misunderstandings become obvious.
I have permission to ask questions that appear stupid.
I have permission to struggle with these issues and be
upfront and honest about my feelings.
I am, however, committed to educating myself, and
others, about heterosexism and homophobia and to
combating it on a personal level.
I am committed to working toward providing a safe,
confidential support network for all people regardless
of their sexual orientation.
I am committed to treating everyone with the dignity
and respect that they are entitled to as human beings.
_______________________________________________
Signed
Date
ACTION PLANNING
A primary action I will take, within the next month, to improve understanding of LGBTQ
persons and promote equity in my residence hall/office/classroom:
What will help me take this action:
What will hinder me taking this action:
What I will do to strengthen actions that will help confront those that will hinder me:
The outcome of these actions:
To maintain my progress on these actions, I will meet with:
Name:
Frequency:
First Meeting:
ANSWERS TO COMMONLY ASKED ALLY QUESTIONS
How can I tell if someone I know is lesbian, gay, or bisexual?
Ultimately, the only way to tell if a person is lesbian, gay, or bisexual is if that person tells
you so. Many lesbians, gay men, and bisexuals don’t fit the common stereotypes, and many
people who fit the stereotypes aren’t lesbian, gay, or bisexual. Assumptions on your part can
be misguided. The important thing to remember is that it is very likely that someone you
interact with on campus is lesbian, gay, or bisexual, and to try to be sensitive to that fact.
What should I do if I think someone is lesbian, gay, or bisexual, but they haven’t told me?
Again, remember that assumptions on your part may be inaccurate. The best approach is to
create an atmosphere where that individual can feel comfortable coming out to you. You can
do this by making sure that you are open and approachable and by giving indications that
you are comfortable with this topic and are supportive of lesbian, gay, and bisexual concerns.
If the person is already out to themselves, and they feel that you are worthy of their trust,
then they may tell you. If the person seems to be in conflict about something, it may or may
not be because of their sexuality. In this case, it is best simply to make sure that they know
you are there if they need to talk. Remember, they may not have told you because they don’t
want you to know.
How do I make myself more approachable to people who are lesbian, gay, or bisexual?
Demonstrate that you are comfortable with topics related to sexual orientation and that you
are supportive of lesbian, gay, and bisexual concerns. Be sensitive to the assumptions you
make about people—try not to assume that everyone you interact with is heterosexual, that
they have a partner of a different gender, etc. Try to use inclusive language, such as by
avoiding the use of pronouns that assume the gender of someone’s partner or friends. Be a
role model by confronting others who make homophobic jokes or remarks. Become
knowledgeable about lesbian, gay, and bisexual concerns by reading books and attending
meetings and activities sponsored by LGBTQ organizations.
What kinds of things might a person who is lesbian, gay, or bisexual go through when coming
out?
Because of the difficulty of growing up in a largely homophobic society, people who are
lesbian, gay, or bisexual may experience guilt, isolation, depression, suicidal feelings, and
low self-esteem. As LGBTQ people become more in touch with their sexual orientation, they
may experience any number of these thoughts and feelings to some degree. On the positive
side, coming out can be an extremely liberating experience, as lesbians, gay men, and
bisexuals learn who they are, gain respect for themselves, and find friends to relate to.
Coming out to others can be an anxious process, as the individual worries about rejection,
ridicule, and the possible loss of family, friends, and employment. For students, college life
is already stress filled, and adding the process of grappling with one’s sexual identity to that
mix can be overwhelming.
If someone wants advice on what to tell their roommate, friends, or family about being lesbian,
gay, or bisexual, how can I help?
Remember that the individual must decide for themselves when and to whom they will
reveal their sexual identity. Don’t tell someone to take any particular action; the person
could hold you responsible if it doesn’t go well. Do listen carefully, reflect on the concerns
and feelings you hear expressed, and suggest available resources for support. Help the
person think through the possible outcomes of coming out. Support the person’s decision
even if you don’t agree with it, and ask about the outcomes of any action taken.
What do I do if someone who is lesbian, gay, or bisexual wants to come out in my office, on my
residence hall floor, or within the context of any other group I am a part of?
Again, help the individual think through the possible outcomes. Discuss how others might
react and how the person might respond to those reactions. Mention the option of coming
out to a few people at a time, as opposed to the entire group. If someone has decided to
come out, let them know you will support them.
How should I respond to heterosexual friends or coworkers who feel negatively about a person
who is lesbian, gay, or bisexual in our office, on our residence hall floor, or in any group I am a
part of?
When such problems arise, it is most useful to discuss this with the people involved. Help
them to see that they are talking about a person, not just a sexual orientation. Make sure that
you have accurate information so that you may appropriately discuss the myths and
stereotypes that often underlie such negative reactions. Note the similarities between
LGBTQ people and heterosexual people. Be clear with others that while they have a right to
their own beliefs and opinions, you will not tolerate anti-gay comments or discrimination.
Remember that others may take their cues from you—if you are uncomfortable with, hostile
to, or ignore someone who is lesbian, gay, or bisexual, others may follow suit. Conversely, if
you are friendly with the person and treat them with respect, others may follow suit.
What should I say to someone who is afraid of contracting HIV/AIDS from LGBTQ people?
HIV is not transmitted through ordinary social contact. It is necessary for everyone to be
knowledgeable about HIV and AIDS. If a friend or coworker is afraid and uninformed, use
this as an educational opportunity. The Student Wellness Center and the Columbus AIDS
Task Force can provide you with pamphlets and other resources containing current and
accurate information.
How can I support LGBTQ people without my own sexual orientation becoming an issue?
Be aware that if you speak out about issues related to sexual orientation, some people may
take this as an indication of your own sexual orientation. Take time in advance to think
through how you might respond to this. How do you feel about your own sexual identity?
Are you comfortable with yourself? Regardless of your sexual orientation, a confidence in
your own self-image will make you less vulnerable.
How should I respond to rumors that someone is lesbian, gay, or bisexual?
Let others know that the sexual orientation of any individual is irrelevant unless that person
wishes to disclose that information. If you can, address any myths or stereotypes that may be
fueling such speculation. If a particular person continues to spread rumors, talk to that
person individually.
How can I get others to be more open-minded about LGBTQ people?
In brief, be a role model for others by being open and visible in your support. Share your
beliefs with others when appropriate. When LGBTQ topics come up, talk about them, don’t
simply avoid them. Show that you are comfortable talking about these issues, and
comfortable with LGBTQ people. Remember that part of your goal as an ally is to create
bridges across differences and to increase understanding. While you may be motivated to
share your views with others, be careful of being self-righteous; others can’t learn from you if
they are turned off from listening to begin with. Of course, your views are more convincing
if they are supported by sound knowledge. Take the time to educate yourself so that you
know what you are talking about.
How can I respond when someone tells a homophobic joke?
Many people believe that jokes are harmless and get upset by what they perceive as the
“politically correct” attitudes of those who are offended by inappropriate humor. Labeling a
belief as “politically correct” is a subtle way of supporting the status quo and resisting
change. Most people who tell jokes about an oppressed group have never thought about
how those jokes perpetuate stereotypes, or how they teach and reinforce prejudice. Someone
who tells jokes about LGBTQ people probably assumes that everyone present is heterosexual,
or at least that everyone shares their negative attitudes toward LGBTQ people. However,
most people do not tell jokes to purposefully hurt or embarrass others, and will stop if they
realize this is the effect. Responding assertively in these situations is difficult, but not
responding at all sends a silent message of agreement. No response is the equivalent of
condoning the telling of such jokes. It is important to remember that young people,
particularly those questioning their own sexual identity, will watch to see who laughs at such
jokes, and may internalize the hurtful message. In some instances, the inappropriateness of
the joke could be mentioned at the time. In other situations, the person could be taken aside
afterward. Try to communicate your concerns about the joke with respect.
How can I respond to homophobic attitudes?
If you disagree with a negative statement someone makes about LGBTQ people, the assertive
thing to do is to say so. Again, silence communicates agreement. Remember what your goal
is in responding: not to start an argument or foster hostility, but to attempt to increase
understanding. Disagreement can be civil and respectful. Share your views without
accusing or criticizing. You are simply presenting another way of thinking about the topic. It
can be difficult to speak out in support of LGBTQ people. You might be afraid that others
will question your sexual orientation, morals, and values, or that you will be ostracized. It is
easy to forget that there might be positive effects of your outspokenness as well.
How can I respond to people who object to LGBTQ people for religious reasons?
Usually, there is no way to change the minds of individuals who base their negative beliefs
about LGBTQ people on strict religious convictions. However, while respecting their right to
believe as they wish, you can share some information with them. It can be useful to point out
that identifying as Christian is not necessarily incompatible with being supportive of LGBTQ
people. There is a great deal of diversity among the Christian community with regard to
beliefs about same-gender sexuality. In addition, there is much disagreement about the
Biblical basis for
condemning
LGBTQ people.
Many
religious scholars
argue that
the Biblical passages
which are
said to refer to samegender
sexuality have been
misinterpreted. It is
also
important to point
out that
while individuals are
entitled to
their personal
religious
beliefs, these opinions
should not
be used to deny
LGBTQ
people equal
treatment
under the law.
Adapted from the Northern
Illinois University
Safe Zone Program
SUGGESTIONS FOR WORKING WITH
GAY, LESBIAN, BI-SEXUAL/AFFECTIONATE, TRANSGENDERED,
INTERSEXUAL, OR QUESTIONING STUDENTS

Don’t be surprised when someone comes out to you.

Respect confidentiality. It is imperative that you can be trusted.

Be informed. Most of us are products of a homophobic society. It is important that you are
aware of the need of gay, lesbian, bi-affectionate, transgender and questioning students.

Examine your own biases. If you are uncomfortable dealing with the issues and know that
you are unable to be open and accepting, you need to refer the student to someone who can
be.

Know when and where to seek help. Know all available resources.

Maintain a balanced perspective. Sexual thoughts and feelings are a small (but important)
part of a person’s self.

Understand the meaning of “sexual orientation.” Each person’s sexual orientation is natural
to that person.

Deal with feelings first. You can be helpful by just listening, allowing a lesbian, gay, biaffectionate, transgender or questioning student the opportunity to vent feelings.

Help, but don’t force. Lesbian, gay, bi-affectionate, transgender and questioning individuals
need to move at the pace they feel most comfortable with.

Be supportive. Share with them that this is an issue that others must deal with too.

Don’t try to guess who’s gay.

Challenge bigoted remarks and jokes. This shows your support.
Source:
PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays)