Dating & Interpersonal Relationships for
Young Adults on the Spectrum
Mary Riggs Cohen, Ph. D.
Director, Social Learning Disorders Program
University of Pennsylvania Department of Psychiatry
Geena Mary Sankoorikal, BS
University of Pennsylvania Center for Cognitive Neuroscience
“Love is blind, and friendship is
just not noticing.”
“The only way to have a friend is
to be one.”
Why ASD Adults Have Difficulty with Relationships and Dating
 They
are typically
social
“late bloomers”
•They
are typically
social “late
bloomers”
 They
less
social experience
than their peers
•They
have have
less social
experience
than their peers
 Many
negative
early experiences
thatthem
•Many
havehave
negative
early experiences
(bullying) that (bullying)
they carry with
they carry with them emotionally
emotionally
 Many
are distrustful
of neurotypicals
(with good reason)
•Many
are distrustful
of neurotypicals
(with good reason)
 They
don’t
initiate
social(fearing
contact
(fearing rejection)
•They
don’tASD
initiate
socialHave
contact
rejection)
Why
Adults
Difficulty with
Relationships and Dating
 They
“follow-up”
to maintain
relationships
•They
don’tdon’t
“follow-up”
to maintain
relationships
 They
much
special
and
•They
spendspend
to muchtotime
withtime
specialwith
interests
and interests
neglect the relationship
neglect the
relationship
•Relationships
are complicated
and confusing
 Relationships are complicated and confusing
An ability to let go of the past has
gotten much easier as my range of
experiences has grown. The more
situations I live through, the
better able I am to put them into
perspective and let those that are
inconsequential fall by the wayside.
The more I connect with people-my
family, friends, coworkers, even
strangers-the greater appreciation
I have for each person who is in
Making and Keeping Friends
Making and Keeping Friends
• Take the initiative to reach out to others(don’t wait to introduce yourself)
Take thefacts
initiative
to reach
out to
wait
to and
• Remember
and details
about them
so others(don’t
they know you are
listening
introduce yourself)
care
about whats going on their life
Remember
facts
andbedetails
about them
so they know
• Don’t
come on too
strong,
casual, informal
and comfortable
(small talk
you are listening and care about whats going on their life
first)
 Don’t come on too strong, be casual, informal and
• Try
to
meet
people
with
similar
interests
(art
class,
chess
club,
comic
comfortable (small talk first)
convention)
 Try to meet people with similar interests (art class, chess
• Plan
activities
mutual interests
club,
comicaround
convention)
• BePlan
openactivities
to new experiences
a new type
of food, listen to a new type of
around(try
mutual
interests
music)
Be open to new experiences (try a new type of food,
listen to a new type of music)
Healthy
Characteristics of
Relationships
Characteristics
of Healthy Relationships
•Reciprocal, a balance of “give and take”
 Reciprocal, a balance of “give and take”
•Based on trust, honesty
 Based on trust, honesty
•Freedom to be yourself
 Freedom to be yourself
•Flexibility
 Flexibility
•Mutual respect
 Mutual respect
•Tolerant of differences
 Tolerant of differences
•Supportive
 Supportive
•Fun and enhances experiences
 Fun and enhances experiences
Dating Advice From Those on the Spectrum*
•Look past the outside (don’t base your interest on looks)
•If you meet someone online, talk to them on the phone before planning to
meet them (people can be much different than they seem online)
•Ask someone to go to a movie first and then go to a restaurant afterward
(less talking at first and then you can talk about the movie)
•If you get nervous and can’t think of anything to say excuse yourself and
take a brief bathroom break
•If the date isn’t going well don’t blame yourself, personalities don’t always
mesh
*Information from www.wrongplanet.net
Internet Dating Suggestions
Internet Dating Suggestions
 Talk about your likes and dislikes in your
•Talk about
your likes and dislikes in your personal information (don’t
personal information (don’t characterize dislikes
characterize dislikes as complaints)
as complaints)
•Describe
your physical
features
such asfeatures
eye and hairsuch
color as eye and
 Describe
your
physical
•Look forhair
dating
sites with easy access and flat fee structures
color
•Usea current
that looks
like you
Look photo
for dating
sites
with easy access and flat fee
•When you
contact someone don’t lead in with a request for a date
structures
•Keepyour
shortphoto that looks like you
Usemessages
a current
•Keeptrack
of your
contacts
and someone
messages don’t lead in with a
When
you
contact
request
for asubjects
date or opinions in e-mails
•Don’t discuss
personal
 Keep your messages short
 Keep track of your contacts and messages
 Don’t discuss personal subjects or opinions in emails
Internet Dating Suggestions (Cont.)
Internet Dating Suggestions (Cont.)
•Be sensitive to issues such as age and physical appearance
 Be sensitive to issues such as age and physical
•After
several messages, suggest talking by phone first and then meeting (this is
appearance
the natural next step)
 After several messages, suggest talking by phone
•Expect
but don’t take
it personally
firstsome
andrejection
then meeting
(this
is the natural next step).
•When
meeting someone go to a public place
 Expect some rejection but don’t take it personally
•Take
your cell phone and have a friend call you during the meeting to check up
 When meeting someone go to a public place
on you
 Take your cell phone and have a friend call you
•Don’t
go to their
until you
to know
during
theplace
meeting
toget
check
upthem
on better
you (after two or three
dates)
 Don’t go to their place until you get to know them
better (after two or three dates)
Dating Suggestions
Dating Suggestions
•Plan the date ahead of time (activity)
Plan the date ahead of time (activity)
•Pick an activity that the other person is interested in
Pick an activity that the other person is
•Avoid
movies (shows) that are violent or overly sexual
interested in
•If
you are going to a restaurant ask about food preferences
Avoid movies (shows) that are violent or overly
•Keep
the first date under four hours (even if you’re having a good
sexual
time)
If you are going to a restaurant ask about food
preferences
•Ask
questions about the other person to get to know them
Keep the first date under four hours (even if
you’re having a good time)
Ask questions about the other person to get to
know them
Dating
Suggestions
(Cont.)
Dating Suggestions (Cont.)
•Listen to the other person and show you are interested in
Listen to the other person and show you are
what theyin
saywhat
(don’tthey
talksay
about
yourself
much)
interested
(don’t
talktoo
about
•Don’tyourself
spend a lottooof much)
money (allow the other person to pay if he/she
Don’t
offers)spend a lot of money (allow the other
person
to pay
he/shetopics
offers)
•Don’t talk
aboutif personal
on the first date
Don’t
personal topics on the first
•Relaxtalk
and about
be yourself
date
Relax and be yourself
The
Biology
of
Attraction
*
The Biology of Attraction
•Men
are more
visuallyvisually
oriented oriented
in their initial
attraction,
sight of an

Men
are more
in their
initialtheattraction,
the sight
of activates
an attractive
woman
activates
attractive
woman
the brain’
s pleasure
centers the brain’ s
pleasure
centers
•Smell
is an important
element of initial attraction for women, the scent

is cause
an important
element of initial attraction for
of aSmell
man can
romantic feelings
scentface
of encounter
a man can
romantic
•Youwomen,
must havethe
a face-to
withcause
someone
to know if you are
feelings
physically attracted to them (not just a photo)
 You must have a face-to face encounter with someone
•Gazing
at
someone
causes
our
brain
to
feel
linked
to
the
other
person
to know if you are physically attracted to them (not just
andaemotionally
photo) attuned (usually before kissing)
 Gazing at someone causes our brain to feel linked to
the other person and emotionally attuned (usually
before kissing)
 Socialfrom
Intelligence,
Daniel
Goleman
*Information
Social Intelligence,
Daniel Goleman
(2007)(2007)