Sexuality and Relationships
Potential for Persons with
Autism Spectrum Disorders
For more information:
Contact Jerry Newport at:
Wholphin48@Hotmail.com
Mary Newport at:
Marymozartandwhale@hotmail.com
The Normal Path of Social Growth
Age:
Activity
0-.5
“I am the universe”
.5-1.5
“ No, I’m not…”
1.5-3.0
Initial contact with others
3-5
Games and other contacts
5-12
Escalated “teasing,” INNOCENT contact with other gender
12-15
Knowledge of physical potential, properly managed by family
15+
Dating begins
And the rest happens way too early to tell!
While ASD Children are Getting
Busted (Diagnosed)…..
Normal Children:
Engage in an array of pre-puberty “dancing”;
teasing, spontaneous playful contact, activities
that must have certain people present to happen
( Source: “Solving the Relationship Puzzle –
Stephen Gutstein, Ph.D. )
Normal Kids Like To Hang Out!!
If your child is a girl, she is far more
likely….
to have dates and other age-appropriate social experiences,
boyfriends, a husband and even children than autistic boys
BUT
this experience is not always positive.
The naviete of ASD females can set them to trust the
wrong men, be abused and suffer lifelong effects like posttraumatic stress disorder.
Social barriers for autistic boys
Far too much attention is paid to teaching our boys the don’ts while not
teaching them what to do…
Add to that, bullying and social ridicule by peers and you get a young man with
Unbearable social anxiety:
Fear of rejection
Obvious self-conciousness
Fear of social initiation
Common Internal Messages in
High Functioning Party Animals:
I am fun to be with.
I can be myself and someone will like me.
I don’t really need people but I like them
sometimes.
Common Internal Messages in People with ASD:
I am supported and tolerated but never liked.
I have to be what others want me to be and that is impossible.
I am sick of living in this shell!!!
Wait a Minute!!
There ARE some
positive things that people with
ASD offer to potential friends or
sexual partners!!!!
ASD People are Honest
ASD People are Loyal
ASD People are Dependable
ASD People Can Be Remarkably
Free of Social or Intellectual
Prejudice
ASD People Often Have a Strong
Sense of Fairness, Morality and
Social Justice
Practical advice for social beginners
who are young men….
1. Pay attention to your grooming.
2. Seek girls with similar interests to you and
school activities that include them.
3. Pick social “comfort zones” to share with
girls you like as friends or possible dates.
4. Be patient!
5. Don’t expect to always succeed!
6. Show interest in social companions.
7. When in doubt, act as if you know what you
are doing ( like 99% of successful men )
The scariest part of social interaction for
most ASD people is the spontaneous nature
of it.
Some drills can help build confidence for
social situations.
What are drills?
A drill (Jerry’s version) is any sequence
of actions that can be learned to the point of
being done without hesitation and with
confidence in the outcome.
Some of Jerry’s Regular Drills
•
The “I lost something” drill
•
“Before going to bed” drill
•
“Wake up” drill
•
“Someone is interrupting me” drill
One drill in detail……
How To Ask Someone Out on Phone
1. Call someone you actually know.
2. Call at appropriate time.
3.
Introduce yourself
Phone drill continued…..
4. Access target (Make sure you are not
talking to mom or roommate)
5. Have something to say before asking
for the date ( feign genuine interest )
6. Make clear, enthusiastic invitation
Phone Drill Conclusion…..
• 7. If answer is “yes”, confirm time, place
and hang up asap. LESS IS MORE.
• 8. If answer is “no”, ask if you can try
again. Adhere to “three-strike” rule.
Practical Advice for social beginners
who are women….
School activities that foster social
growth…
Group music: Band, chorus, orchestra
Performing arts: Acting especially
Team sports
Clubs that do projects: School newspaper, poetry club,
other clubs that jointly publish something or do a joint
activity
Interest Group Strategies
1. Your child needs to SHARE his interest.
2. Look for group with compatible ages
and other social factors.
3. Be cautious about “real-time” invitation
to an Internet Interest group.
Physical Drills
Know where exits, restrooms and refreshment
facilities are, wherever you go out.
Know safe places to park and walk.
Know where you want to sit in a theater, concert,
sports arena or any event you attend with a date.
Other Adolescent issues…..
Sexual abuse
Bullying
Two Scary Statistics
Before the age of eighteen, over 85% of
girls and at least 40% of boys with a
developmental disability will be…
SEXUALLY MOLESTED
( Source: David Hingsberger, disability sexuality expert )
Even scarier…….
In the overwhelming majority of
instances, the sexual abuse will be done by
a person who is trusted to work with the
developmentally disabled child or teen.
(same source)
Why are autistic youths more
vulnerable to sexual abuse?
1. They are afraid to report it.
2. Nonverbal people are vulnerable.
3. They have the wrong information about
sex.
What can you do to discourage
sexual abuse?
1.
Give your children the right information:
The FACTS about sex
What kind of TOUCH is okay and
what is not okay
What else can you do?
2.
Make sure your non-verbal child has
A way to tell you that he has been abused!!
What to do About Bullying?
• Remember everything Carol Gray told you.
• Encourage physical fitness, self-defense
training.
• Don’t say it is wrong to defend yourself.
• Never say bullying is the victim’s fault.
Individual/Paired Physical Activities
Self-defense class Tumbling/gymnastics
Walking/running
Swimming
Bowling
Golf
Horseback Riding
Dancing
Weight Training
Horseshoes Tennis Badminton Catch
Why Pets?
1. Pets teach the value of pleasurable
contact:
sensuality
2.
Pets offer unconditional love
and acceptance
Appropriate Pets
1. Are durable
2.
Don’t carry communicable diseases
3. Won’t harm infants if in house
4. Are strokeable, holdable and noticeably
respond to loving contact.
Let’s see if my audience…..
Can tell whether the
following pets are…..
Appropriate or Inappropriate
Other Appropriate Sensual Activities
Cooking
Tasting Foods
Building Snowmen,
Mudpies
Snowforts
Listening to music, playing music
Decorating house for holidays, other special
events
Slinkies
Elastic Stretching
Eggbeaters!!!!
Spinning Coins, Rings
If You can’t talk about sex with
your child……
If sex is a forbidden subject at home
If your child learns that sex is “dirty”
Where will your child learn about it?
Adult Concerns…..
Accepting responsibility for sexual activity
Social options for adults
What Part of “NO”
Don’t You Understand?????
Avoid “Date-Rape’ Drugs
No women “get pregnant” by themselves.
No woman ever “just got” an abortion.
“NO” also means this:
Sex is never enough to continue an abusive
relationship.
The desire for eventual sex is never enough to
allow a parasite to abuse or exploit you.
Adult social options…..
Clubs on campus or in public
The Internet
Free public events: poetry readings, art gallery
openings
Other events: concerts, movies, sport events
Why the Internet?
No face to face contact…
You reply when you want
You can use a phony name.
How to Use Internet Safely
1.
Block out undesirable subjects.
2.
Look for discussion lists that have approval from
ASD community.
3.
If invited to “real-time” contact, insist on a safe
place and permission to bring a friend.
Too many of our adults are isolated!
Almost 2% of deaths in the USA were by
suicide. What is that rate for adults with
autism?
This is not easy to talk about but it is
real, dangerous and can happen in our
community too.
I took the road less traveled
by and that made all of the
difference….
Robert Frost
How To Maximize ASD Potential
for All Relationships
Read Our Books
www.realmozart-whale.com