Cool in Middle School Brings Trouble
Later
PARENTING WITH PURPOSE
BY NEIL MCNERNEY, M.ED., LPC
I breathed a sigh of relief a couple of weeks ago. We, as a family, survived middle
school. We now have two high school students getting closer and closer to becoming
adults. Although we loved our experiences with Blue Ridge, I think our whole family is
ready to move on to the next stage.
Middle school is hard. Hard on the middle schoolers and hard on us parents. One the
most difficult part for parents is how to navigate the pressures to grow up quickly. Kids
feel it on both sides: They feel pressure from their friends to dress and behave a certain
way, and they feel pressure from their parents to slow down.
The good news for parents is that a recent study confirms our wisdom that it is better
for kids to still be kids during middle school.
A study published this month in the journal Child Development suggests that kids who
grow up too quickly in middle school have significant difficulties both in high school
and in young adult life.
The problem is that many kids view with awe those that are growing up too early. They
go to parties that aren’t supervised, they share stories of drinking, or smoking, or
sexting. They look like they belong in high school. They are regularly flagged by the
school administration for inappropriate dress.
They’re cool, and many kids want to be just like them.
In the recent study, a group of socially precocious cool kids were followed for a decade.
The study found that significantly more of them were struggling, both socially and with
substances, than their peers. As 13 year olds, they were driven to be more extreme than
their peers, which earned them admiration and envy.
But as they moved into high school, a time when most teens begin to try new behaviors,
those that started in middle school felt a need to be more extreme than their peers.
Instead of continuing to garner admiration, their peers began to look at them as
troubled and difficult. Instead of becoming attractive to others, their peers began to
reject them and their popularity began to fade.
Ironically, the very behaviors that seemed to imply maturity during middle school
tended to make them socially stunted in high school. In middle school, the cool kids
would seek out romantic relationships based on status, not based on compatibility.
When the relationships broke up, it was a blow to their status, instead of heartbreak.
What can we, as parents, do at this difficult time? I think the hardest parental role
during middle school is to be the boss.
In some recent discussions with local parents who have survived middle school, here is
a list of guidelines to consider. These are not hard and fast rules, and you might be
more lenient or strict, but it’s a start:
1. Don’t buy it if you are not comfortable with it. If the shorts seem to short, or the crop
top is too cropped, you have the power to say no, even if it is the teen’s money. If
your teen tells you that the marijuana leaf T-Shirt is what everyone is wearing, don’t
believe them.
2. Don’t give in to the statement: “Everyone is doing it.” Everyone isn’t doing it.
Instead of having the same argument your parents used (If everyone jumped off a
cliff, would you?), just say no.
3. Don’t give in to child pressure. Child pressure is just a form of peer pressure. Be a
good role model and stand up against child pressure.
4. Sleepovers are for children, not teens. I have heard countless stories of how
sleepovers go bad in middle and high school. The easiest solution? Don’t have them.
There is too much unsupervised time after the parents go to sleep.
5. Have conversations with your kids about popularity and the risks of following the
cool kids at such an early age. Will they listen? Maybe not. But you might be
surprised.
But “Neil,” you say, “I trust my kids.” Good for you. I trust mine as well. I am not
talking about trust, I am talking about being there for your kids so that they don’t make
mistakes that many teens make. When teens make mistakes, it is not a violation of trust.
It is an attempt at growing up, and it is our duty to teach them why mistakes do not
produce success.
Remember that you will not convince your teens that your rules make any sense, so
don’t spend too much time trying to convince them why your rule is a good one. Keep
in mind that, by making it more difficult for your middle schooler to grow up too
quickly, you help assure that the rest of their lives are happier and healthier.
Neil McNerney is a licensed counselor and author of Homework – A Parent’s Guide To
Helping Out Without Freaking Out! and The Don’t Freak Out Guide for Parenting Kids with
Asperger’s. For more information go to www.neilmcnerney.com.