Managing Interpersonal
Conflicts
Chapter Summary
•The Nature of Conflict
•Conflict Styles
•Conflict in Relational Systems
•Constructive Conflict Skills
•Constructive Conflict: Questions and Answers
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The Nature of Conflict
Conflict Defined
•All interpersonal conflicts share certain characteristics:
•Expressed Struggle
•Perceived Incompatible Goals
•Perceived Scarce Resources
•Interdependence
•Interference from the Other Party
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The Nature of Conflict
Conflict is Natural
•Every relationship of any depth has conflict.
•College students report that they take part in about seven
arguments a week.
•You can always change the way you deal with conflict.
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The Nature of Conflict
Conflict Can Be Beneficial
•You cannot avoid conflict.
•You can handle conflicts differently.
•Many satisfied couples think and communicate differently
when they disagree.
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Conflict Styles
Four Types
•Avoiding (Lose-Lose)
•Accommodating (Lose-Win)
•Competing (Win-Lose)
•Compromise (Lose-Lose)
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FIGURE 11.1
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Conflict Styles
Avoiding (Lose-Lose)
•Avoiding occurs when people ignore a problem.
•Avoidance displays a pessimistic view conflict
management.
•Avoiding may keep peace temporarily, but it doesn’t lead
to satisfying relationships.
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Conflict Styles
Accommodating (Lose-Win)
•When you allow others to have their way rather than
asserting your point of view
•“Taking one for the team” is different than a lifetime
accommodator.
•Culture
•High-Context
•Low-Context
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Conflict Styles
Competing (Win-Lose)
•Clear-cut winner and loser
•I get what I want or you get what you want.
•Passive Aggression
•Expressing hostility in obscure or manipulative ways
•Direct Aggression
•Criticism that threatens the face of a person
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Conflict Styles
Compromise (Partial Lose-Lose)
•Both parties get some of what they want.
•Much like meeting halfway
•Although it seems like the most effective sort of conflict
management, it is not.
•How happy would you be with only half of what you needed?
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Conflict Styles
Collaborating (Win-Win)
•Collaborators show a high degree of concern for
themselves and others.
•The goal of collaboration is to find a solution that meets
the needs of everyone involved:
•Requires competent communicators
•Win-Win solutions change depending on the parties
involved.
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Conflict Styles
Which Style to Use
•When facing a conflict consider the following:
•The Relationship
•When some has more power than you, accommodation might work.
•The Situation
•Different situations call for different conflict styles.
•The Other Person
•Sometimes the other person isn’t willing to collaborate.
•Your Goals
•Sometime your concern will calm a situation down.
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Conflict in Relational Systems
Styles
•Complementary Style
•The parties use different but mutually reinforcing behaviors.
•Symmetrical Style
•Both parties use the same behaviors.
•Parallel Style
•Both partners shift between complementary and symmetrical
styles.
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Conflict in Relational Systems
Intimate and Aggressive Styles
•Nonintimate-Aggressive
•The parties fight but are unsuccessful at resolution.
•Nonintimate-Nonaggressive
•The parties avoid conflict and each other.
•Intimate-Aggressive
•Upsetting to outsiders but works within the relationship
•Intimate-Nonaggressive
•Low amount of attacking or blaming
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Variables in Conflict Style
Gender
•Men and women approach conflicts differently.
•Adolescent boys tend to use direct aggression.
•Adolescent girls tend to use indirect aggression.
•Gender conflict style is stereotyped and not always the
same.
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Variables in Conflict Style
Culture
•The way we handle conflict depends on cultural
background.
•Individualist cultures value the opinion of the person.
•Collectivist cultures tend to focus on the groups needs.
•Culture is an influence on conflict style - not the cause.
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Constructive Conflict Skills
Identify Your Problem and Needs
•Before you speak out, find out what is important.
•Realizing a problem is yours makes a big difference.
•Sometimes the task of identifying your needs is not as
easy as you thought. It’s better to complete this step on
your own.
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Constructive Conflict Skills
Make a Date
•Decide when would be the best time to discuss your
problems.
•Allow both parties time to prepare so neither feels
ambushed.
•If you cannot set a date, ask probing questions:
•“Something's been bothering me. Can we talk about it?”
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Constructive Conflict Skills
Describe Your Problem and Needs
•Once a problem has been stated and described, it’s
important to make sure your partner has understood.
•You cannot expect your partner to paraphrase all of your
thoughts, so allow the discussion to flow freely.
•Be absolutely sure your partner understands the whole
message before proceeding.
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Constructive Conflict Skills
Your Partners Point of View
•Consider your partner’s point of view.
•Once you’ve made your position clear, make sure you understand
your partner’s position.
•Your partner has just as much right to feel satisfied as you.
•Asking isn’t enough; remember to listen.
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Constructive Conflict Skills
Negotiate a Solution
•Identify and define the conflict.
•Generate a number of possible solutions.
•Evaluate the alternative solutions.
•Decide on the best solution.
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Constructive Conflict Skills
Follow Up the Solution
•Try the solution first.
•If the solution doesn’t work, go back the last step that did.
•Remember how you arrived at this solution.
•Follow each step in order.
•Sometimes Win-Win solutions are not possible.
•Be realistic about conflict resolution.
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Constructive Conflicts:
Questions and Answers
Questions and Answers
•Isn’t the Win-Win approach too good to be true?
•Not only is it a good idea, it actually works.
•Research shows it produces better results than the Win-Lose.
•Isn’t the Win-Win approach too elaborate?
•Sometimes the approach is not as effective as others.
•If the process seems time consuming, consider the alternative.
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Constructive Conflicts:
Questions and Answers
Questions and Answers
•Isn’t the Win-Win approach too rational?
•If you’re too angry to attempt the Win-Win approach, you may need
to take some time to cool down before the process will be successful.
•If you cannot control your emotions, let your partner know that what
you’re about to say does not need a response.
•Is it possible to change others?
•You will not always be able to convince others to try this method.
•The key lies in showing that it’s in your partner’s best interest.
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Managing Interpersonal
Conflicts
Chapter Summary
•The Nature of Conflict
•Conflict Styles
•Conflict in Relational Systems
•Constructive Conflict Skills
•Constructive Conflict: Questions and Answers
Looking Out, Looking In
12th Edition
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