THE SILENT SELFSLAUGHTER
The Phenomenology of Addictive Patterns in
Love and Romance
Brittany L. Naylor
BEGINNING THOUGHTS…
(OSHO, 1998)
“All search for the other is an escape from yourself.”
(p. 198)
“No well of this world can quench
your thirst. No drink of this world
can satisfy your thirst unless you
have drunk of yourself.” (p. 201)
“The meaning of love is
freedom from attachment.”
(p. 227)
HOW CAN YOU BE
ADDICTED TO LOVE?
What indicates addiction?
1. Obsession or preoccupation with fantasy, love object,
romantic feelings, etc.
2. Loss of control resulting in negative consequences
3. Continuing the behaviour in spite of negative
consequences
4. Tolerance or needing more to get same effect
5. Withdrawal when love object is removed
Take into account…
- PEA (Phenylethylamine)
- Dopamine
- Norepinephrine
“brain scans show that the lovestricken brain is similar to a brain
high on cocaine and opiates.” p.
103.
(Schaeffer, 2009)
FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY THE
SCIENCE BEHIND IT ALL
-
Phenylethylamine
a.k.a
PEA is one of the primary factors
PEA in attraction and courtship. It
is produced naturally in our bodies.
- The molecular structure of PEA is very similar to
amphetamines…
- PEA, like most chemical drugs includes the feelings of
euphoria which can be felt immediately - but the euphoria is
also temporary.
- Evidence has shown that levels of PEA and sexual arousal
are strongly influenced by the sense of fear, risk and danger.
(Carnes, 1991)
THE TWENTY SIGNS
OF LOVE ADDICTION
(SCHAEFFER, 2009)
1. Over-adapting to what others want *
2. Boundary problems
3. Sadomasochism
4. Fear of letting go *
5. Fear of the unknown
6. Stunted individual growth
7. Difficulty experiencing intimacy
8. Psychological games
9. Giving to get
10. Attempting to change others
11. Needing others to feel complete *
12. Wanting, wishing, and waiting *
13. Demanding and expecting unconditional love
14. Refusing or abusing commitment
15. Looking to others for affirmation and worth
16. Fearing abandonment
17. Repetitive bad feelings
18. Wanting and fearing closeness
19. Attempting to “fix” others *
20. Projection, personalizing, power plays
“WICKED GAMES”
THE WEEKND
“So tell
me you love me
Only for tonight
Only for the night
Even though you don't love me
Just tell me you love me
I'll give you what I need
I'll give you all of me
Even though you don't love me”
CO-DEPENDENCY
(RICHO, 2008)
“To put up with abuse, to stay in a painful situation with no
prospect of change for the better, is loyalty but not love.” (p.
171)
-
Inability to face oneself
Inability to face and sit in own pain
Illusion of survival
Needing to fill some void
Fulfilling archetypal roles (i.e. mother)
Needing to feel needed
Unable to face the fear of being alone (as if they aren’t alone enough already)
Associating love and pain together (i.e. “we fight everyday because we love each other” or “I stick
around through everything because I love her/him”)
- Stuck in a pattern with tunnel vision
- A significant factor(s) during core development was severed or missed all-together
- Transference (Freud) holes (Almaas) false cores (Wolinsky) insecure attachments (Bowlby,
Ainsworth) etc).
ADDICTIVE LOVE
(SCHAEFFER, 2009)
FEAR is the basis of love addiction
fear of rejection
fear of abandonment
fear of painful emotions
fear of losing control
fear of powerlessness
“Immature, childish love believes “if I take care of you and love
you the way I want you to love me, then you’ll love me that
way, too.”
Childs love is egocentric.
They love in order to survive,
in order to avoid pain, fear, and want.
And that pattern, as we’re seeing, haunts adult addictive
lovers.”
(p. 50)
(Richo, 2008)
THE TWENTY SIGNS OF ROMANCE ADDICTION
(SCHAEFFER, 2009)
1. Obsession
2. Intense jealousy
3. Posessiveness
4. Depression and melancholy
5. Dependence on intoxicating feelings
6. Heightened anxiety
7. Romance interferes with life
8. Living on the edge of perfected love
9. Exaggerated fantasy life *
10. Choice of entertainment is romantic, dramatic or euphoric
11. Stalking the love object
12. Chasing the illusion *
13. Lured by intermittent reinforcement
14. Longing for reciprocation
15. Withdrawal symptoms when the love object moves away *
16. Friends and family express concern
17. Hanging on to the unavailable or abusive
18. Outcomes are disappointing
19. Distortion of reality
20. Melodrama
“Love the way you lie” Eminem ft. Rihanna
“High off her love, drunk from her hate”
“You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe when you're with ‘em
You meet and neither one of you even know what hit ‘em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah, them chills you used to get ‘em
Now you're getting fucking sick of looking at ‘emYou swore you'd never hit ‘em; never do nothing to hurt ‘em
Now you're in each other's face spewing venom in your words”
“So lost
in the moments when you're in them”
“We fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper's just as bad as mine is
You're the same as me
When it comes to love you're just as blinded
Baby, please come back
It wasn't you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
“LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE”
RIHANNA FT. EMINEM PT. 2
“Try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me
Run out the room and I’ll follow you like a lost puppy
Baby, without you I’m nothing, I’m so lost, hug me
Then tell me how ugly I am, but that you’ll always love me
Then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the
Destructive path that we’re on, two psychopaths but we
Know that no matter how many knives we put in each other’s backs
That we’ll have each other’s backs, ’cause we’re that lucky”
OTHER FACTORS PERPETUATING
ADDICTIVE LOVE AND ROMANCE
PATTERNS…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1e1oyKdiQ&index=7&list=WL
ADDICTIVE DEPENDENCY
(SCHAEFFER, 2009)
May result as a lack of:
- Nurturing
There is usually a direct
- Affection
correlation between addictive
love and trauma
- Self-esteem
- Ability to self-sustain
- Ability to self-soothe
- Ability to emotionally regulate
self
- Secure attachments during
core development
ADDICTIVE DEPENDENCY
(SCHAEFFER, 2009)
Risk factors:
- Holes (Almaas, 2000)
- False cores (Wolinsky, 1999)
- Insecure attachment (Bowlby, Ainsworth)
- Trauma
- Transference
- Fear of the unknown
“Addictive lovers don’t believe
they can be whole alone.” p.50
THEORY OF HOLES
ALMAAS (2000)
• Holes/Voids/Deficiencies in our being in which one loses consciousness of.
• Does not mean the deficiency or loss of a certain aspect of essence is forever
gone – rather it needs to be found and reintegrated.
• What happens when there is a hole in our being? We try to fill it up!
• What do we use?… Approval, validation, love, sex, addictions, compulsive
behaviors, etc…
• According to Almaas, when we have longings and desires it is an indication that
there are holes present in our being.
THEORY OF HOLES (CON’T)
ALMAAS (2000)
• Holes believed to mostly originate in childhood, during core
development.
• Trauma, conflict, neglect, abuse, adverse environmental experiences,
feeling ignored, attacked, etc.
• This leaves us with deficiencies which we spend our lives trying to fill up.
THEORY OF HOLES (CON’T)
ALMAAS (2000)
• When we connect to another being, especially if the connection has some
depth to it, you may unconsciously use the other person to fill your voids.
• Whatever feeling the person provides for you feels like it is part of you
again, like something has been reintegrated. The void has been filled.
• A sense of wholeness emerges and your identity fuses with the other
• So what happens when a relationship ends or the other dies?
FALSE CORES
(WOLINSKY, 1999)
ATTACHMENT THEORY
John Bowlby:
(WALLIN, 2007)
• Known as the “father of attachment theory.
• Proximity, protection and separation.
Mary Ainsworth:
•
•
•
•
Attachment, communication and the “strange situation.”
Hired by Bowlby as a researcher.
Tested out Bowlby’s hypotheses.
She confirmed much of Bowlby’s work, but also added her own significant
contributions.
• The most significant piece that came out of the “strange situation” tests were what
we know today as secure attachment, avoidant insecure attachment and
ambivalent insecure attachment.
Mary Main and Judith Solomon:
• Main was a student of Ainsworth, and Solomon was a student of Main.
• They discovered the third insecure attachment type, which we know today as
disorganized insecure attachment.
• Disorganized attachment is often seen as a mix of anxious-ambivalent and
INSECURE ATTACHMENT
*ANXIOUS-AMBIVALENT TYPE*
(COLLINS, ET AL., 2002)
According to Collins, et al. (2002) Anxious-Ambivalent insecure attachment individuals
tend to have:
- Exaggerated desire for closeness.
- Extreme concern regarding being unlovable or getting rejected.
- Strong desire for approval and validation. (This is what they depend on for their sense
of self-worth).
- Generally struggle to trust others.
- Paradoxically, they are eager to be involved in relationships despite their lack of trust
for others.
In relationships: They operate in emotional extremes and tend to experience more
jealousy and conflict.
INSECURE ATTACHMENT
*AVOIDANT TYPE*
(COLLINS, ET AL., 2002)
According to Collins, et al. (2002) Avoidant insecure attachment individuals tend to:
- Hold the viewpoint that care-givers are unreliable and uncaring.
- Value being self-reliant.
- Tend to distance themselves from others.
- Restrict the degree to which they express themselves emotionally.
In relationships: They tend to experience low levels of satisfaction, intimacy and
commitment.
ADDITIONAL POINTS ON THE
ROLE OF ATTACHMENT
(COLLINS, ET AL., 2002)
How you view yourself and others may play a role in relationship outcomes. (Collins, et
al., 2002).
Insecure adults are more likely to engage in dysfunctional patterns with their social
perception and emotional regulation. (Collins, 1996; Davila, Bradbury, & Fincham,
1998; Feeney, 1999).
Insecure adults may have a tendency to pursue relationships with others who are more
or less vulnerable to difficulties in relationships, thus putting them at risk for
adverse outcomes in relationships. (Collins, et al., 2002).
These adverse outcomes are a result of maladaptive behaviors that the insecure adult
engages in while in the relationship, putting it at higher risk for failure.
DESIRABILITY OF POTENTIAL
ROMANTIC PARTNERS
(COLLINS, ET AL., 2002)
Not surprisingly, securely attached individuals tended to rate insecurely attached
individuals as less desirable in the context of a romantic partner. (Collins, et al., 2002).
Alternatively, insecurely attached individuals tended to rate insecurely attached
individuals as more desirable in the context of a romantic partner. (Collins, et al.,
2002).
ATTACHMENT AND THE ROLE OF
GENDER IN ROMANTIC
RELATIONSHIPS
(COLLINS, ET AL., 2002)
At baseline – Female partners perceived their male partners to be less affectionate and
more critical when the male was in high avoidance.
At baseline – When female partners were in high levels of anxiety, male partners
reported more demand-withdrawal (partner demand, respondent withdrawal).
On the other hand when male partners were experiencing high levels of anxiety, the
female partners reported less demand-withdrawal.
Attachment-related anxiety strongly linked with adverse relationship outcomes for
more women than men.
“I NEED YOUR LOVE”
There is a strong clinging in
this statement
What are we trying to hang on to
when we operate from this notion?
• The illusion of everlasting love
• Clutching at survival
• The idea that life isn’t good enough or
lacks sufficient meaning without the
other
• The idea that we are incomplete without
the other
• We often tend to romanticize this
statement in our society
USING THE OTHER TO
DROWN FEAR
(OSHO, 1998)
“Because the fearful person is afraid to be alone
he creates the relationships of attachment. He
goes on and on creating the relationships of
wife, husband, friend, brother, mother,
religion, caste, society, country, etc. These are
all expansions of attachment. You are afraid to
be alone. In aloneness the fear within you
becomes clear. When you are with
somebody then the fear is forgotten in his
company; you drown your fear in
relationships.” (Osho, 1998)
TRYING TO ACHIEVE WHOLENESS
VIA DEPENDENCY ON THE
OTHER…
HANGING ON… FOR WHAT?
When we love something or
someone
so very much
we want to hold on tight
forever and ever
letting go is not an option
and we are unable to accept the fact
that they were never ours to keep.
THE RESULT OF ADDICTIVE
DEPENDENCY ON THE
OTHER
- Emotional instability
- Enmeshment
- Co-dependency
- Difficulty facing aloneness
- Loss of autonomy
- Dependency on other things if building tolerance to dependency
on the other OR if the other isn’t meeting needs
- Unrealistic expectations and demands on the other
- Decline in mental stability
- Severed relationships
- Loss of self/identity is huge for a lot of people
THINK BACK TO A FEW
MOMENTS AGO…
Blue Valentine - Dean and Cindy
Where would Dean fit?…
Where would Cindy fit?…
MOVING FROM ADDICTION
TO LOVE
(SCHAEFFER, 2009)
1. Denial
Relationship is seemingly normal, rationalization of patterns,
many signs of addictive dependency are active, but are
ignored or suppressed away. There is no acceptance of the
issue at hand.
2. Discomfort
There is an awareness that something is not quite right,
questioning love from partner, not feeling satisfied with the
relationship, curiosity of “is this how it’s really supposed to
be?” begins to surface.
3. Confrontation
Coming face to face with deep rooted fears. Likely to still be
feeling some level of discomfort. If still in a relationship,
drama surfaces with confrontation because everything starts
coming to the surface.
4. Psychological separation
This stage is crucial if healthy relationships in the future are to be had.
It’s also time-consuming and brings one face to face with their patterns.
A lot of self-reflection at this stage. Difficulty feeling or expressing love.
Lengthy emotional detachment. Detachment is the main feature of this
stage, but is temporary.
5. Resolution of self
Time heals and is necessary. Beginning to see that aloneness is ok, and
possibly even that aloneness and loneliness are not synonymous. There
is love for oneself - thus a comfort in being with just themselves.
Autonomy and individuality is valued.
6. Belonging
New found freedom and ability to engage in mature, healthy love. What’s huge at
this stage is the ability to see the value in many other love relationships, not solely
romantic ones. Additionally, they see that dependency on the other for love is not
THE TWENTY SIGNS OF HEALTHY
BELONGING
(SCHAEFFER, 2009)
1. Allows for oneness and separateness
2. Has healthy boundaries
3. Creates a feeling of safety
4. Brings out the best qualities
5. Accepts endings
6. Is open to change
7. Is vital and alive
8. Encourages true intimacy
9. Is not afraid to show true feelings
10. Gives from the heart
11. Accepts differences and limitations
12. Encourages self-sufficiency and self-esteem
13. Knows what love is
14. Accepts and respects commitment
15. Has a bottom line
16. Has a high level of trust
17. Experiences healthy sexuality
18. Has a realistic view of romance
19. Cares with detachment
20. Affirms equality and personal power of self and other
TOUCH AND LET GO
Being able to fully enjoy connection – but not to cling so tight.
Understanding that there are no guarantees in life – and accepting that.
Letting go of attachments to all things in life – a person, a flower, an experience…
REFERENCES:
Almaas, A.H. (2000). Elements of the real in man: Diamond Heart Book One. Boston: Shambhala.
Collins, N. L., Cooper, M. L., Albino, A., & Allard, L. (2002). Psychosocial Vulnerability From Adolescence to Adulthood: A
Prospective Study of Attachment Style Differences in Relationship Functioning and Partner Choice. Journal Of Personality,
70(6), 965-1008.
Jonas, J.J. The twelve archetypes. CASA. Retrieved from:
http://www.uiltexas.org/files/capitalconference/Twelve_Character_Archetypes.pdf
Osho. (1998). Showering without clouds: Reflections on the poetry of an enlightened woman, Sahajo. Pune, India: Osho
international foundation.
Osho. (2001). Love, freedom, aloneness: The koan of relationships. New York, NY: Osho International Foundation.
Schaeffer, B. (2009). Is it love or is it addiction? The book that changed the way we think about romance and intimacy.
Center City, MN: Hazelden.
Richo, D. (2008). When the past is present: Healing the emotional wounds that sabotage our relationships. Boston, MA:
Shambhala.
Wolinsky, S.H. (1999). The way of the human: The quantum psychology notebooks. Canada: Author.