Parents As Life Coaches: An Eightfold Path for Peaceful
Parenting
Living with children can be one of life's most enjoyable experiences;
it can also be unbelievably frustrating at times. No matter how skilled
you are as a parent or how committed you are to meeting the challenges
of that role, you will have disappointments, you will be discouraged,
you will experience self-doubt. Parenting is a dynamic process where
parent and child simultaneously teach and learn from each other. To be
a parent is to be appointed Life Coach for your children - not on
selected occasions or during certain times, but always and forever (or
at least during most of the time that you spend with your children).
Unfortunately, children don't come with a training manual, and being an
effective Life Coach is not something we instinctively know how to do
once we become parents. Parents need to know: how to encourage good
behavior, how to handle difficult behavior, and how to stay the course
despite the challenges, power struggles, and attempted manipulations
that inevitably come along. Below is an overview of eight guideposts to
provide direction, peace and comfort along the parenting path.
Forget the Fairy Tales: Let Go of Misplaced Myths
Many adults operate on two faulty assumptions about kids that cause a
lot of problems. These assumptions, working in concert, lead to
discipline strategies that don't work and set the stage for stormy
conditions at home and school. They are: the Peter Pan Assumption and
the Little Adult Assumption.
The Peter Pan Assumption holds that kids are born with hearts pure and
good (if but a little mischievous). If the adults would just get out of
the way of the children, the world would be a Neverland of fantasy and
fun. The Little Adult Assumption holds that children are born with an
innate ability to reason and an inherent drive to act unselfishly. In
other words, they're just smaller versions of us. Thus when approached
in a reasonable and respectful way with rationales and explanations,
the child will welcome our wealth of wisdom and change their behavior
accordingly. Neither assumption is helpful.
Change the Viewing Before Tackling the Doing: See the
Situation As It Is
Parenting involves nurturing and socializing children to be peaceful,
productive members of society. It is a daunting task to say the least.
In order to accomplish this task, we must change the way we think about
children and parenting. Instead of thinking of your kids as Peter Pan
or "Little Adults", think of them as raw, self-indulgent but talented
athletes. Think of yourself as a brilliant, committed, fair but no
nonsense coach. A coach does not solicit from his players suggestions
on what drills should be ran at practice, when, and for how long. He
chooses the drill, sets the expectations, and repeats the drill until
his expectations are met. The coach is responsible for creating the
game plan; his players are responsible for executing it. The coach is
patient and gentle- but also persistent. The coach’s job is not
complete until the trainee is able to perform the desired task
consistently under different circumstances.
Diamonds in the Rough: Our Children Are Our Most Valuable
Exports
Kids are kids - they are not little adults. They are born raw and
unreasonable and it is our job as parents to help them become the
opposite. But that journey is not a passive process. It does not unfold
magically, naturally, or without effort. It is hard work! Children must
be carefully crafted into the adults we most want them to be. They are
full of potential. They harbor immense possibilities. They have the
spark of Spirit and Goodness within them. But they must be taught. They
must be trained. They must be coached. Our children must be polished in
order for the promise of their potential to shine forth.
Begin with the End in Mind: Imagine the Adult You Want Your
Child to Become
You make a significant difference in the adults children will become.
You are your child's best hope for happiness when he becomes an adult.
You are your child’s best hope for prosperity when she becomes an
adult: What skills would you like to see your child have 10 years from
now? Is what you are doing right now helping him meet those standards,
or hindering his progress?
Start with Heart: Practice Loving Kindness for Yourself and
Your Children.
Successful parenting is one of the most rewarding experiences a human
being can enjoy in the course of their life. The love you share with
your child is a love that cannot be experienced in any other way.
Every day you can recommit yourself to doing everything you possibly
can to encourage, understand, nurture, and enjoy that lore. Spend 5-15
minutes a day with your child uninterrupted, with no agenda other than
reconnecting with the love and spirit of your child and the
extraordinary bond you share.
Learn to Look/Listen: Tune In to What Has Gone
Unnoticed
There is a primal parenting trap that catches parents everywhere. The
trap can best be described by one statement. Angry parents make noise;
happy parents keep quiet. This reflects our cultural network news kind
of mentality. "If it bleeds, it leads" becomes "if your being bad,
you've got my attention": Can you imagine living your own life with the
constant sound of a network news anchor sensationalizing your every
behavioral mishap? You would quietly become self-critical, discouraged,
and depressed:
Concentrate your efforts on positive ways of shaping competence and
building useful, pleasant behaviors in your children. Remember, your
kids do much more good things than bad things during the course of a
day. They are basically good Little People. Let your speech and actions
reflect that fact by providing your loved ones with a heavy dose of the
Five A's (attention, affection, acknowledgment, affirmation, and
appreciation/approval) throughout the day.
Comfort the Afflicted, Afflict the Comfortable: Nurture but
Don't Coddle
Let's review: Raising children means nurturing and socializing them
into adults. It is an active process, one where parents must take the
lead. Children cannot be in charge. They cannot get everything they
want, when they want it. Socializing children requires nurturing and
supporting them - while at the same time frustrating them. Remember
your own childhood. Very few of us got everything we wanted. Our
parents angered, frustrated, and upset us by setting limits and not
giving in to our every demand. Despite what they might say, your child
will continue to love you when you tell them “no”.
The Tao of Parenting: Discipline is the Sound of One Hand
Clapping
Discipline is not punishment. Punishment alone does not teach.
Punishment suspends behavior - all behavior- but it does not provide
information. Neither do negative statements like "don't" or "stop" or
other statements telling a child what NOT to do. The value of
punishment and negative statements lies in the gap that immediately
follows - a space, where learning can occur. Children learn when they
are allowed to sit in that gap, create peace out of upset, and create
their own associations. They can also learn when parents fill that gap
with opportunities to practice successfully doing what is desired.
But the gap is only valuable occasionally. With too much punishment,
and too much "don't" talk our children stop growing. Their development
is arrested and suspended. Learning is facilitated and accelerated when
parents focus throughout the day on catching their children doing the
behaviors they want to see more of in the future. The magical ratio yon
should strive for is 5 to 1 - that is, you should catch your child
being good using the Five A's five times for every one time you punish
them or say something negative. This type of discipline is a powerful
form of coaching that communicates to the child what he/she should do.
It makes everyone more responsible; able to change the way they respond
to the world. Be a responsible parent. Make your child's positive
efforts and accomplishments the focus of your network news (the news
you communicate with your network of family and friends).