"Name." Annie Braddock.
"Age." Twenty-one.
"Area of interest." Anthropology.
"Describe your work experience as it relates to your intended field."
Attention, the museum of Natural History will be closing in 15 minutes.
Please exit the Hall of... Tribal Peoples using the western staircase.
Child rearing around the world
boasts a wide variety of customs and mores.
But perhaps the most bizarre social patterns... can be found within the small
island community of Manhattan.
Asshole!
The inhabitants of the region known as the Upper East Side... have the most
prosperous yet
idiosyncratic social systems on the planet.
After successfully mating and producing offspring... the men are often distant
and uninvolved... leaving their women to hunt, gather, and provide for their
families.
Yet the resourceful mothers of the Upper East Side... These include body
mutilation... even fasting rituals.
Which brings us to our focus on child rearing.
Who actually does it?
Well, in Africa they have a saying, "It takes a village to raise a child".
But for the tribe of the Upper East Side, it takes just one person:
The Nanny.
What's depicted here is not a typical tribal ritual... but rather the unraveling of
one such "nanny".
Actually, this nanny is me... and why I'm telling off the teddy bear
or geographically profiles, forgive me.
I'm not exactly an objective observer.
Minor in Communications.
Yeah!
Wendy Bassin, honors in Urban Planning, minor in Sociology.
Annie Braddock.
High honors in Business, minor in Anthropology.
Here I am a few months before the teddy-bear incident... a native New Jersey girl
participating
Spaz!
And here's the woman who reared me, pretty much all by herself.
She's a nurse; note the shoes.
What is it?
You'll see.
Wow. Thank you.
I know it's not much, but I wanted to buy you your first business suit.
Thanks.
Mom, come on.
It's highly competitive.
I'm probably never gonna get the job.
Stop with the negativity. Your father was always negative.
Look what it got him.
A double-wide trailer in Scranton.
Honey, I would give the world
No one's gonna tell you how to live your life.
Maybe I'm not CFO material.
Like what? Anthropology?
How are gonna make a living at that?
Make enough money to spend Christmas at Club Med.
Annie, it's 7:15!
Get moving or you're gonna be late!
I have to admire this corporate drag.
At least I'm not wearing last night's outfit at 8 a.m., party girl.
Let's just say you missed a fabulous throw-down.
And Tom Whalen was there.
So?
He asked about you. Twice.
Well, I've gotta go. Real life awaits.
I bet none of those cultures
you studied practiced such rigorous celibacy Ever hear of the Shakers?
Yes, and they're extinct.
Excuse me, sir! Sir!
I got off at the wrong stop.
Can you tell me where Chambers Street is, please?
Yes.
It's about five blocks below that.
Our Financial Analyst Training Program is so competitive.
We have over 8,000 applicants for 10 positions.
So why don't you tell me in your own words... who exactly is Annie Braddock?
Wow. That's... certainly an easy enough question.
I am... Go on.
Well, you see... I have absolutely no idea. Excuse me.
Who is Annie Braddock?
Yet somehow I couldn't formulate a response.
Of course I knew all the basic facts... But I didn't know who I was, where I fit in,
who I was gonna be.
I was suddenly terrified I'd never find the answer.
I need five bolts of fabric over-nighted from London.
I don't care how much it costs.
How about this woman? Could she be Annie Braddock?
On that Spring afternoon, it seemed my future was finally set.
A Central Park bag lady I would be.
But before I officially surrendered to fate... something - or rather someone intervened.
Hello there.
Hi. You okay?
Get off of me, you pervert!
Do you belong to anyone, little man?
Grayer! ...I belong to you!
Grayer! Oh, God!
Thank you so much.
You just averted a minor disaster.
The woman featured here
the one wearing the snakeskin jacket and Louis Vuitton shoes
is unfortunately not Annie Braddock.
She is, in fact, a perfect female
specimen from the Upper East Side clan.
For the purpose of this case study, we'll just call her "Mrs. X".
Hi. I'm Mrs. X.
Let me apologize for my feral son.
No need to apologize. I love kids. I'm Annie.
You're a nanny?
No, I'm not.
No wonder. You're so good with children.
No, I'm not. I... Actually, I just lost my nanny. Birdie.
- She left us to go get married. All right... Oh, my God. Are you employed?
No. Unfortunately, I... Fabulous! Here is my card. Please, please, please... We'll
schedule lunch. Anywhere you'd like.
I'm sorry, but The Mark, the Four Seasons.
But I really look forward to hearing from you.
I really think you misunderstood me.
I have a very good feeling about this.
Call me.
Pardon me. I couldn't help but overhear.
I'm looking for a new nanny, too.
Oh, I... Could I give you my card as well?
Excuse me?
I pay well above average.
I have a card, too. Call me.
I have a place in the Hamptons.
Donald Trump lives in my building!
It seemed that fate now offered me a wonderful alternative.
An opportunity to completely duck out of my life.
I decided for one summer to abandon "Annie"... and trade her in for a brand-new
persona - "Nanny".
Of course, there was one tiny problem.
Everything I knew about nanny-ing came from the movies.
Even so, I fell asleep confident... Annie! Annie!
Get your feet on the ground, young lady!
The fact that I had no child care experience... Even though I don't have a job...
All they needed to know was that I was white, a college grad, and terminally
single.
As you can see, my husband
and I are getting divorced. So you... and the kids must remain on my side of the
apartment at all times.
Until the custody battle is settled.
In short, I was the Chanel bag of nannies.
I heard through the grapevine you've met with a lot of people, so I thought you
might appreciate... a civilized lunch at Bergdorf's rather than being interviewed
at the apartment.
Thank you. That's very considerate.
Not really. I just love to eat out.
I'll probably come up with a million excuses... for us to go have lunch. If you end
up with us, I mean.
Ready?
Do you know what you're having?
I don't mean to rush you, but I'm attending a 2:00 lecture... "Super Mom - Trying
to Juggle it AII."
I can't guarantee that the meat here is antibiotic-free.
But the chef is from Brittany, so I highly recommend the Crepe Bretonne.
Deux, s'il vous plait.
Excellent choice.
Thanks.
You're from New Jersey.
No. There are some very lovely parts of that state.
Friends of ours have a horse farm in Upper Saddle River.
Really?
I hear it's really nice there.
I'll have to take you riding there one day.
Okay. Tell me more. I want to know all about you.
I'm from Connecticut, actually. I went to Smith.
Don't believe the rumors. We weren't all lesbians.
Oh.
It was a blast, but you can't do that sort
of thing when you're raising a child.
The parties, the schmoozing, the travel... Excuse me... Bitsy! ...It's you!
I've so been meaning to call.
Is there anything at all I can do?
Not unless you know a hitman.
That lawyer Jeannie Whitman recommended was no help at all.
It turns out that all our assets are actually in Tucker's company'sname.
That's appalling!
If I had known it would go this far, Iwould have just turned a blind eye.
Anyway, enjoy the rest of your lunch before I ruin that, too.
Such a shame.
Everyone else did.
Anyway, where were...? Ah, yes!
After Gagosian, I met Mr. X.
My grandmother worked as a domestic so we wouldn't have to.
And here you are fresh out of college
voluntarily taking a nanny gig?
I told you, this is not a lifelong commitment.
It's just a way for me to get my head together.
Besides, the money is great.
To go to grad school, not to be somebody's servant.
You know you're wrong, or you wouldn't be lying to your mother.
This is all just happening too fast.
I don't understand why you can't live at the house for a while, just to get on your
feet.
Mom, I lived at home through 4 years of college.
Don't you think that's long enough?
How could you find a decent apartment so fast?
The bank has an excellent program.
They've got me hooked up with a trainee, which is great.
I'm getting in the car.
Can I come with you?
I'd feel a lot better if I could as least see where you were living.
Come on. The other trainees went to... fancy boarding schools and European
exhange programs.
If I show up with my mom, I'm just gonna look like a big dork.
I guess that makes sense.
Come here.
I love you.
Let me know the minute I can visit you.
I'll call you when I get there, okay?
"Freedom!"
Sit down! You're gonna get me a ticket!
"Freedom! You got to give what you say!"
You're crazy!
You're free, girl!
That's okay. I'll take care of it, miss.
Oh... thank you.
I can't believe this.
I could get used to this, I'm telling you.
Thank God I'm getting a shrink degree.
I love you, but you're harsh. A little bit.
Just give me a hug.
I'll see you soon, I'm sure.
You know the path of least resistance?
It can lead through a minefield.
Oh, hi.
You are the new nanny?
Yes, and you must be Maria. Nice to meet you.
Okay.
Leave it there. The floor is clean.
I hope you last longer than the last one.
Birdie?
Yes, Mrs. X told me that she left to get married.
Maria? Are you gonna tell Mrs. X that I've arrived?
Mrs. X is shopping. But she left you a note on the table.
I have to go run the vacuum, okay?
"Dear Nanny, Welcome!"
Please note that from here on I'm referred to as
"Nanny" by all the people in the X's social network.
"I'm so excited to have you on board."
"Please make yourself completely at home."
"Manuel is making you your own set of keys.
You should have them by tomorrow."
Tofu cutlets?
"Sorry I could not be there to meet you, but I'm trying to squeeze in..."
"a little shopping before my Parents' Society meeting.
Which reminds me..."
"Please pick Grayer up from
the Christian Preschool at 2:15 sharp."
"It's extremely important not to be late."
"As you can see, I have attached a list of basic house rules".
Hello, Manolo.
"We believe it's important to
maintain some sense of structure in our home..."
"for Grayer's sake."
"Rule Number One:"
Never allowed in the master bedroom."
"Of course, you should refrain from entering our bedroom as well."
"Rule Number Two: Grayer is never allowed to nap during the day."
No naps?
"This throws his sleeping schedule completely off..."
"and I prefer him tired when I get home."
"Rule Number Three: We just had the walls redone."
"Please keep Grayer from rubbing up against them."
"Rule Number Four:"
"If school is ever cancelled, the following non-structured outings are
permissible:"
"The Met... The Morgan Library..."
"The French Culinary Institute... The New York Stock Exchange..."
- "Rule Number Five:" Rule Number Five:
"We do not take the subway because of germs."
God.
"Rule Number Six:
Grayer still must be in-stroller when crossing Park or Madison."
"Rule Number Seven:
Grayer maintains a high-soy, organic diet."
"Rule Number Eight:
Practice French with Grayer at least three times a week."
"His father wants him to attend
Collegiate where he's currently wait-listed."
French? Holy merde.
"His attendance is a top priority."
Oh, dear... Nanny?
Nanny?
What are you doing?
The note said to pick up Grayer from school at 2:15.
And it's only one o'clock.
I was a little sweaty from moving, and I thought that I would... What I mean is
what are you doing in that bathtub?
And why are your bags strewn all over the guest room?
I thought it was my room.
No. No, Nanny.
This is your room.
Oh... okay.
This is... very sweet.
I'm sorry. Do you have the time?
2:15.
So they'll be getting out any time now?
2:45.
I'm sorry?
They get out every day at 2:45.
Dumb ass.
It quickly became clear... that Mrs. X had arranged for me to
arrive everywhere torturously early.
Get ready, ladies! Here they come!
Grayer? Grayer?
Grayer X?
Who is it you're looking for?
Grayer.
I know that one.
He plays with my wee monster, Darwin.
Oh, Grayer, there you are!
Hey, little man. You remember me?
Yes, and I hate you!
What? We get along great. Remember?
Like when we met in Central Park?
Let me get your backpack.
Grayer, stop!
Help, police! She's hurting me!
They usually start out that way, you know.
Yes. GRAYER
Danger! Danger!
Just be patient.
Let me put you in your stroller.
Hold on one second.
I'm too big for a stroller! Grayer!
Help, police!
I hate you! I want Birdie!
I know you want Birdie.
She had to leave to get married or go on a date or something.
But I promise we're gonna have a lot of fun together.
All right?
Now, let me see how handsome you look in your uniform.
What's that?
Don't touch that! It belongs to my daddy!
I hate you! I want Birdie!
Grayer!
Already one had to wonder.
What kind of culture would turn
a father's business card into a security blanket?
Here we are.
Home, sweet home. First mission accomplished.
Grayer, get up off the floor. It's very dirty.
I have an idea.
Let's race to the front door. Last one there's a rotten egg!
I'm not stupid. You're just gonna let me win.
No, I am a mighty good runner, mister.
Not with your pants down!
Oh, shit! The stroller!
Shit! Grayer!
You said a curse! I'm telling Mommy!
I am not kidding! Open this door right now!
Maria!
Catch my fingers.
I am not letting go until you open the door!
Pardon me.
I think this belongs to Grayer.
It rode the elevator to the 12th floor.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Sorry.
We're having a little bit of a situation here.
By the way, my name is.
Since my job required a vow of chastity, it was essential that I avoided all
intimacies... especially first names.
For the purpose of this field diary, let's just call him "Harvard Hottie".
I'm the X-es' new nanny.
Oh.
Very new, as you can probably tell.
I'm taking off all my clothes!
Seems to be popular on this floor.
Mind if I take a crack at him for you?
Be my guest.
Hey, Grayer. It's your pal from upstairs.
Would you be a sport and unlock the door?
It's not nice to lock people out.
Please, buddy?
Hey.
Why are you here?
I'm just helping out my new friend.
Annie.
Annie. Annie the Nanny.
She's your friend?
Yes. Isn't she your friend, too?
Not yet.
Thank you. Any time.
Suddenly the world's most notorious Ioner had two new men in her life.
Unfortunately, I knew that the big one was off limits.
Guys like Harvard Hottie only "slum it" when they're in college.
So instead of following my heart, I focused on finding a way into Grayer's.
Grayer, stop!
Befriending Grayer certainly wasn't easy.
But then again, Margaret Mead didn't run home every time she contracted
malaria.
You're in trouble!
I thought this job was supposed to be a way to get your head together.
Two weeks in and you already sound depressed, dejected and paranoid.
You forgot to mention malnourished.
All these people eat is bean curd and seltzer.
Even the ice cream is made out of tofu.
Why don't you come down and have dinner with us?
My new roomie's making gumbo.
I don't get it. You move to the city, and overnight your life becomes "Will and
Grace".
Shit! It's probably my mom. She's the only one that has this number.
Bye.
- Hello? - Annie?
An entire week has gone by and you haven't called me back.
Mom, I told you I was gonna be so busy with work.
You can't find five minutes to call your worried mother?
How are you, honey? How's the job? How's the apartment?
Oh, God. Everything is just perfect.
So rewarding, though.
And the apartment is just incredible.
Yeah?
And my roommate could not be nicer... Nanny, in the morning I need you to stop
Then I need you to Xerox some recommendation
letters for Grayer's Collegiate application.
Also I was thinking we should introduce French food into his diet... It might
enhance his study of the language.
So tomorrow why don't you make him Coquille St. Jacques for dinner.
Annie?
Dry cleaning.
Who was that, your roommate?
Mom, I have to go. I have some work stuff to take care of.
Wait a minute. I want to make a plan to visit.
Hi, ladies.
She had grown 3 inches in 6 months.
You take her to the doctor, too?
Darling, I do everything. My job is a type "C".
What's type "C"?
Oh, Jesus. Okay, Newbie, pay attention.
Basically, there's 3 types of Nanny gigs. Type A:
You provide "couple time" a few nights a week for women
who work all day and parent at night.
Type B: You provide "sanity time"... every afternoon to a woman who mothers in
the mornings and the evenings.
And type "C", the most common, you provide 24/7 "me time"..."me time":
Time alone for mothers who don't work and are selfish, spoilt, and lazy to the
woman who neither works nor mothers.
So which one are you?
I thought it would be a fun and easy job.
You'd think a college graduate would choose a job a little more wisely.
Actually, this job kind of chose me.
It chose you? Please, child.
I left my country because I thought I could give my boy
and my sick mother a better life.
I was supposed to be here 2 or 3 years, tops.
And while I have been raisin' these strangers' children... my own child has grown
up without a mother.
That's how this job chose me.
"Half a tablespoon of tarragon."
That's dried. I like fresh.
Well, dried is all we've got. Okay?
I hate Cocky Jack! I want sushi!
Then tell your mother you want to learn Japanese.
I'm telling Mommy! You're in trouble!
That's it!
No! Mommy says they're full of high fructose corn syrup!
What Mommy doesn't know won't hurt her!
Okay, Mr. Tattletale? Eat it.
Go on. Right out of the jar.
It's okay.
It's yummy, isn't it?
This is fun.
And this fun meal has to be our little secret, okay?
Okay... We just have to be friends and trust each other.
Maybe you should have a secret name, too.
Want a secret name?
- Yeah. - Okay.
How about Sponge Bob?
No, silly.
No? Alright, what about... Grover?
I love Grover!
You do? Alright. Grover it is.
Where's my little munchkin?
I hear him, I hear him!
You remember what happens to little monsters?
Come here for a minute.
No, daddy!
Do you remember that or not? What's wrong with you?
Remember that?
Daddy, stop it!
Are you my little superstar? Are you gonna take over the world?
Answer me. Are you gonna take over the world? When?
Next year.
Next year's not soon enough.
You must be Mr. X. I'm the new nanny.
I've got a merger I'm working on.
If I don't get some decent shut-eye tonight, somebody's gonna be accountable.
Daddy, come see my dinosaur!
- Daddy's got work to do. - Please?
Grayer, don't be sad. It's okay. Daddy's just tired.
Grover?
You wanna finish our fun meal?
Come on... yeah!
Nanny?
Yeah, Grove?
You'll never leave me like Birdie, will you?
- Grove... - Promise?
I'm not going anywhere. You know that. Right, honey?
Right, Grove?
"Dear Nanny..."
"please remember that today is the 4th of July family party at Mr. X's office."
"It probably slipped your mind that costumes are required..."
"so I took it upon myself to have some delivered."
This is itchy.
I know, sweetheart.
Why do we have to dress up?
It's all in the name of freedom, Grove.
Hey, guys!
Who's that?
That's the nanny, dear. You've met her.
What happened to Luisa?
That was two nannies ago.
Yeah? Okay.
Daddy, I'm George Washington. Tickle me.
I understand that, Dan, because the bastard's selling low.
- Please! - Cut it out, buddy. Sit down.
Yes, we're coming.
Where's my card? Daddy?!!!
Your what?
I want to go home!
Smile, Grove. We're gonna go to a party.
That's not my card! Where's my card?!!
Get off that phone and tell the nanny to give him his damn card!
I wanna go home! ...Nanny... Turn the car around! Talk to the nanny, please!
Nanny, go back and get the card!
Hold the elevator!
I'm sorry.
At least I'm fully dressed this time.
I'm so sorry. I don't mean to be laughing.
You look very patriotic. Let me hit your floor.
Neither did I.
Really? You must have had it really rough, then.
Well... I'm glad to give you a good laugh.
My husband and I are taking our second honeymoon in Provence.
I'm looking for Mr. X. Have you seen him?
No, sorry.
Wouldn't know him if I did.
What is wrong? Why won't you shake your booty?
'Cause I have to make a doodie.
Oh! Come on.
My daddy has one in his office.
Yeah?
I want to go to my daddy's bathroom.
Okay.
Why is Daddy tickling that lady?
I'm sorry. Grayerjust had to use the bathroom.
So use it already.
Hello, Grayer. Remember me?
I work with your daddy in the Chicago office.
You must be the nanny.
Yes... I'll get out of your... I'll wait in the hall.
So sorry.
Grayer, hurry up! Your mom's coming!
Hi, sweetie.
Did Grayer hear from the waiting list committee yet?
No. Why?
I'm sure it doesn't mean anything, but the Barretts did and Darwin got in.
Sure.
There you are.
You've met before in Chicago.
- Yes. Nice to see you, as well. - Lovely to see you. Excuse me.
Thanks again.
Where've you been?
Making calls. Where's the chow?
- The entire time? - Yeah.
Much-mythologized practice throughout the world.
In many Bedouin tribes, powerful men are encouraged to take multiple wives.
In contemporary France... mistresses are de rigueur and quietly tolerated.
But for the women of the upper East Side... adultery is pathologically ignored.
Nobody warned me we were going to have a therapy session.
It's just that I didn't see you at all at the party.
I was trying to sneak in a little work. Forgive me for making a living.
But everybody else was participating.
Everybody else doesn't pull down what I do every year.
I had my family there, I was present and accounted for.
I would really appreciate a moment of peace and quiet because I'm exhausted.
I've got a great idea. Let's pretend that we're in a cave.
You know what? Nanny
What?
I love you best.
The other nannies had warned me about this very moment... And yet, staring
into those big, sad, searching eyes... I love you too.
Three little words made leaving this job a thousand times harder.
I know that you work hard. I just think... that if we're going to have more
children... Maybe you should focus on the one you already have.
You can barely handle him as it is.
Why are you so cruel to me?
Why? Because I cannot take this additional pressure!
I think I am going to go out to Chicago until this merger is finished!
Stop it! Will you stop it, please!
And I certainly hope you're in a better mood when I come back.
All right?
If I come back!
This is yours, is it not?
No, I don't know what that is.
It was in our laundry.
It is not mine. It is not Mr. X's. So it must be yours. Right?
Right?
Yes, it's mine.
Please don't leave your personal items lying around the house again.
Apology accepted.
I don't mean to be a control freak.
It's just that when Mr. X is in the middle of a big deal, it can be very hard on me.
I understand.
How is Grayer doing?
Grayer?
He's fine. He's great.
That's good to hear.
He's the best.
- He's just - Okay. Goodnight, then.
"Dear Nanny..."
"I know it's Sunday and you requested a day off, but I desperately need to sleep
in."
"I have a very long afternoon today tasting caterers for our benefit -"
"Conga for the Congo."
"Please don't wake me, unless Mr. X calls from Chicago."
"And most importantly, find a way to keep the boy quiet."
Why don't they just muzzle the kid already?
What's a muzzle?
Scrambled for you and Cheerios for the boy.
Mommy doesn't allow me to eat sugar cereal.
Cheerios are sugar-free.
"Low in sugar" isn't the same as sugar-free.
Grover, just eat it.
Is that caffeinated? Mommy doesn't use caffeine.
That's because Mommy sleeps 'til noon.
"Perhaps it might be a nice morning
to do something educational with Grayer..."
"like the Pissarro show at the Guggenheim."
Mommy said you're supposed to take me to her favorite museum, the Googey
Hiney.
Well, since today was supposed to be my day off... we're gonna go to my favorite,
the Museum of Natural History.
Isn't that on the West Side?
Yeah, so?
I'm not allowed to go on the West Side. That's a rule.
Well, today just happens to be Break the Rules Day.
Two, please.
Know what the biggest word in America is?
What?
Antidisestablishmentarianism.
That's pretty good, Grove. Actually, I know a longer word.
There is no longer word!
Yes, there is.
Supercalifragalisticexpealidocious.
What does that mean?
Come on inside. Let me show you.
"The Apatosaurus, formerly known as the Brontosaurus, is from the family of
enormous herbivores."
Herbivores means vegetarian. Like Mommy.
What's that over there?
That is T-Rex.
Is that one like mommy, too?
I wish my ancestors made totem poles.
They did. That one looks just like you.
- That guy has a big nose. - It's hanging, though.
Cool. What are they?
They're a Matis family. They live in the Amazon.
Which one's the nanny?
She has the day off.
Things are different in that part of the world.
"And Nanny, one last thing before you take the rest of the day off."
"Do you think you could manage a quick shop for me?"
I'll help.
No, it's okay. Grayer, don't!
Mommy!
What a mess.
Nanny, I don't know why you didn't leave all this downstairs with Manuel to store.
Am I supposed to have this lying around the apartment until the Benefit?
Of course not. I'm going to bring it down to him right now.
There's no time now.
I need you to get ready for the
"Nanny Conflict-Resolution Seminar" at the Parents Society.
I totally forgot it was this evening.
Mrs. X? I don't know if you remember, but... I was supposed to have the evening
off and I made plans.
The entire point of the seminar is that everybody brings their nanny.
Are you suggesting I attend it alone?
No, I was just... I was confused.
So I will cancel my plans.
I'd appreciate it.
Does anyone have an extra diaper I can use?
Stop eating them boogers!
Grayer, no nudity, please!
Of course you feel anxiety when leaving your kids with strangers.
You're moms.
Now what I'd love to do is bring in the nannies.
Linda? Jilian? Would you monitor the children
so the nannies can join us in here.
I want to see you all here next week.
Seminar is called "Sexy Mom, Happy Mom."
It's gonna be a hot one.
Nannies, we're ready! Right this way, ladies.
Here they are - the nannies! Wonderful. Come on in.
File against this wall. Just squeeze in.
But be comfortable.
Terrific.
Now that we're all together, it's time to address the reason for this seminar.
Improving Nanny-Mom communication.
To begin, I would like a mom volunteer... to offer the group one particular
example of
failed communication with your nanny.
Most of them barely speak English. That's the problem!
Okay, you.
My nanny keeps on singing religious songs to Parker... even though I've told her
time and time again that we're agnostic.
What's worse, every time I confront her, she flatly denies it.
Even after I provided her with evidence from the Nanny Cam.
Nanny Cam? I thought that was an urban myth.
That's my nanny over there.
Will you please ask her if she's trying to convert my child.
No. Right now we're just hearing issues.
Okay. Next I would like to hear from a nanny.
Can I have a nanny volunteer?
Anyone?
Come on, don't be shy. We won't bite.
How about you, young lady?
- Me? - Yeah, you.
Can you share with the group
one particular grievance you have about yourjob.
Come on.
No, I love my job.
I do. I feel kinda lucky.
That's very nice, but neither helpful nor productive.
So can you please offer the class something useful? Come on.
Well... Yeah.
It would be nice to have a night off, I guess.
Ah-ha!
We have been a little preoccupied with our Benefit.
But all she has to do is ask.
See, ladies? Conflict... resolved.
I'm taking him.
- No, I can take him. - It's all right.
No, I can take him.
Nanny, please... I want you to go out. It's only nine.
You clearly wanted the evening off.
You must be exhausted. Let me put him to bed... We'll manage fine. Here. Have
a blast.
I just don't understand it.
I just don't understand how someone can have everything... and still be... so
miserable.
Anyway... Remember I was telling you I went to this orientation mixer thingy?
I met this guy who likes the same exact... It's like she dumps all of her problems
with her husband onto me.
It's called denial. Like the river?
And you obviously have become her enabler.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
It means can you stop talking about this woman for five minutes, please.
I'm sorry I'm boring you, Lynette, but this is my life right now.
I have a life too, in case you haven't noticed.
I think you and that lady are kindred spirits.
You know, NYU should give you your diploma right now.
You've got all the answers.
Okay. Forget that.
Can we at least try to have a good time?
Since you did drag me above 14th Street.
Come on, Annie. This place? You have to admit, it's... tired.
Look at these guys over there.
They don't have any piercings, no tattoos... Oh, my God! We have to go right
now!
Why? Wait a minute.
'Cause the guy I told you about is here.
Harvard Hottie? Which one? Where?
Yankees cap. Blue shirt. Blue blood.
He is gorgeous.
Yeah. Let's go.
Are you out of your mind?
No, I'm out of my league. Let's go.
What the hell are you doing?
I know that girl.
Annie! Annie!
Come on. Have a drink with him.
I told you, I can't date on my job.
Say hello to the nice fellow.
Hi.
Guys, this is Annie. I don't know your name, sorry... Lynette. How you doing?
Nice to meet you. These are some buddies from high school.
This is Carter, Jo-Jo, John, Kenny, Reggie.
Nice to meet you.
Grab a chair.
- No, we can't. - We'd love to.
So, girls, how do you know our boy here?
I really don't know him. He's Annie's friend.
I know him from work.
Model?
Stewardess?
She works for someone in my building.
Actually, I'm a nanny.
A nanny? Dude!
You didn't tell us you knew a nanny. That is so porno.
Guys... Are you hot for the dads?
Are the dads hot for you?
Hey, come on!
You wanna know about the dads? I'll tell you about them.
They're chubby, bald, steak-eating, cigar-smoking type-A pigs... who get more
turned on by the Bloomberg wire than they do by any hot nannies.
So take it from me, guys... enjoy tonight because your future looks pretty
fucking bleak.
Wait!
Stupid... You have two new messages.
Hey, Annie. It's me, the big jerk from the bar.
What?
In case you're wondering, Ex-friend.
I obviously owe you a major apology.
Please don'tjudge me by my loser friends.
They were pretty hammered.
And I'm warning you, I won't take "no" for an answer.
I know where you live, so I'll camp out at your door if I have to.
You really might as well get this over with.
Sorry to ramble. If I don't hear from you, I'll ride the elevator 'til I find you.
Bye.
I am so screwed.
Annie? It's your mother.
I had a really late night. But about tonight... I don't want to hear it. I am coming.
All right. Let me just call you after this play date, okay?
Play date? What the hell is a play date?
Oh, shit!
You said a curse!
You know, mom... a play date.
A meeting of preliminary investment schedules.
I'll call you later, okay?
All right. Bye.
Who lives here?
Some kid named Jefferson.
Your mom found him with a Park Avenue play date service.
Hi, y'all. I'm Jefferson's mama, Tanya.
Come on in. We're bakin' a cake!
I pretend to be Jefferson's nanny, but I was really hired to watch her.
And this is what she's like after Betty Ford.
Doesn't her husband care?
He's 75. She's an ex-showgirl.
He's not complaining about anything.
Frosting fight!
I want to come here every day!
Hey.
What are you doing here?
And what is all over you?
Will you tell me what the hell is going on?
Listen up. This is my apartment.
And my roommate, Lisa, is away... on business.
You are... just visiting. He is... Fine.
I love your friends.
What twisted game are we playing here?
And-lf-She-Finds-Out- I'm-A-Nanny-I'm-Screwed" game.
I love it! Should I whip up a fondue for Mom?
If you're going to play it straight, make it meatloaf.
I'm gonna borrow this. That's my dress. You can't borrow it!
Fondue? Go get my dress.
Calvin, thank you so much. That looks delicious.
And it's so festively presented, too.
I used to date her, too.
Really?
We do. We're here all the time.
Yeah, I think it's very, very interesting.
It's work. Gotta take that.
They're certainly keeping her busy.
Very busy. Busy bee.
- Relentlessly. - 'Round the clock.
Hello?
This isn't a Brontosaurus! You don't know anything!
Grayer, please! It is yoga hour, and Mommy's on the phone.
Hello?
Hi. It's me.
I know I agreed to let you visit your grandmother
in the hospital tonight... What? How can that be? His party isn't until next month.
We scheduled it that way
because the party planner I wanted wasn't available.
And neither was my husband.
So we're planning a small family celebration.
That's lovely. Grayer couldn't ask for a better gift.
Afterwards we'll all head over to the Carlyle
for a more formal affair with friends.
- You'll need to dress appropriately. - Right.
Since you're not around to help, I've taken care of everything... Mommy, come
here and play!
Thank you.
Also, some roses arrived for you.
Roses?
Yes, it's very curious.
The card says "Accept my apology, or else!"
Oh, that's crazy Grandpa.
He didn't visit Grandma last night, and we just let him have it.
You know how Grayer is around pollen, so I'll have to throw them out.
Okay. I'm going to hang up because... the pacemakers and all. See you in the
morning.
- Honey? - Yeah?
Are you okay?
Perfect. Dessert?
This is of vital importance. Are you aware of that?
Now isn't the time.
Clowns are supposed to be funny.
They're French clowns, Grove.
I hate them and I hate my birthday.
In order to clean up your mess. Do not interrupt me!
You told me that the extra year of pre-school would guarantee him a spot.
Today he's six. What's your plan now?
I'll be back, okay?
We should try to be calm.
That's enough of a humiliation I will not tolerate!
There are mimes in the next room! And I suggest you keep your voice down.
Hey.
What the hell are you doing here?
I wanna know why you threw my flowers away.
I found them in the stairwell.
I didn't throw them away. My lunatic employer did.
Get out of here right now, she's gonna throw me out, too!
What? This has got to stop.
One date. That's all I'm asking you.
Before we head over to the Carlyle, I'd like you to know why Mr. X is so upset.
It seems that Grayer was rejected for admission to Collegiate.
I'm very sorry. That must be upsetting.
Not upsetting - unacceptable.
Stop it! Get away from me!
Sweetheart, don't be afraid. They're only clowns.
- I hate them! They're nice French clowns... They scare me!
Grayer, go to your mommy, sweetheart.
No.
As I was saying, Nanny...
We feel that you are not spending enough time
on educational activities with our son.
We have decided to hire a consultant to fully research the situation.
He will demand extra time from you this week.
Do you read to the child from "The Wall Street Journal"?
"Financial Times"? "Granta"?
We need more time than I thought to get to the bottom of this.
I know. I'm very, very late. Did you get my message?
Yup. All six of them.
The consultant kept me forever. It was horrible.
Not only did I lose the reservation, but the kitchen is now closed.
Okay. I'm sorry I was late.
Sometimes these things just don't work out.
Wait, whoa, whoa!
Think you can just get rid of me that easily?
It's not about getting rid of you.
It's just that no place around here stays open this late.
Actually, I knothne perfect place.
It's not bad. But it doesn't touch the Jersey Shore.
If you're such a pizza connoisseur, there's a really great place in Italian Harlem.
I'll take you there sometime.
Harlem? I have a hard time imagining you in Harlem.
Why? I enjoy exploring my city.
Something you should probably do more of.
Thank you.
I'll try to squeeze that in between cleaning up
Grayer's vomit and picking up Mrs. X's laundry.
If yourjob is that bad, why don't you just quit?
It's not like you're on a career path here.
I don't understand.
Of course you don't understand. You've obviously lived a charmed life.
Growing up on 5th Avenue, you went to Harvard... A charmed life?
Okay. Now I get it.
For your information, my mother died when I was four.
I was raised by 9 different nannies, until I was old enough to get shipped off to
boarding school.
That's how charmed my life was.
I'm really sorry.
But I still think I turned out to be a pretty decent guy, in spite of it all.
I guess I'm officially an asshole.
Well, asshole's a pretty strong word.
I would have gone with jerk or bonehead.
I would really love to quit. But... I can't leave Grayer.
You think I'm crazy?
You could be suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.
You ever hear of Patty Hearst?
Are you kidding?
Yes.
But I do think you should probably let me kiss you right about now.
What?
Well, we're two blocks from your building.
And once we get any closer, I won't be able to go near you.
Is all I've really thought about
since that day I saw you in that Betsy Ross getup.
That is really kinky and weird.
You don't know the half of it.
- 'Night. - Good night.
Pleasant evening.
Good night.
Sorry.
While doing fieldwork... anthropologists have been known to lose themselves
in the very society they're studying.
A phenomenon known as "Going Native".
When this occurs, the proper course of action is to remove oneself... A-S-A-P.
It became quite obvious that my obsession
with the Xes meant I'd "gone native".
Daydreaming in the park that day, I came to the conclusion... I forgot about this.
- Wow... But this could work.
See if you can find me something short. It'll go better with this neckline.
Okay.
Did Grayer get you this?
God.
She got mad at me, refused to wear it. She said it was common.
I think I saved it out of spite.
How about this?
Mr. X bought it for me for our first wedding anniversary.
So it's only fitting that I should wear it tonight, right?
Definitely.
Mrs. X, I need to talk to you about something.
I know you're really busy tonight, so could we schedule some time tomorrow
night?
What is it, Nanny?
I think it's better if we talk alone.
What is it?
Nanny, lend a hand.
Well?
You look amazing.
Really?
You look very pretty, Mommy.
And you like the Dior? I know it's a little much for dinner... but afterwards he's
taking me to the President's Circle Gala at the Met.
I couldn't imagine a more perfect dress for a romantic anniversary.
All I need now is my husband.
I just called the airport and there were no delays
or cancellations out of Chicago... so where can that man be?
Nanny, call La Grenouille. Tell them we're running late.
I don't want to lose the reservation.
Is that "Les Grenouilles" or "La"? L-E-S...?
Thanks, smartypants.
Hello?
It's me. I'm losing cell service here.
I need you to find my wife and explain to her that my flight was cancelled.
Since I have to be back here Sunday night, I'm just gonna spend the weekend in
Chicago.
Make sure to tell her I'm sorry.
No, no, Mr. X, you can't do this. She... Who was it?
What did he say?
He said that... his flight was cancelled... and he's very, very sorry.
Make sure you put that one on top. I don't want anything to wrinkle.
Of course.
Mommy, where are you going?
- Don't go! - No, Grayer.
Don't be difficult.
Mommy has to go away for a few days to get some rest.
Nanny, I've decided to take a few days off.
I'll be at the spa at Canyon Ranch in Lennox.
Maria has all my numbers.
Nanny, can we go upstairs? I feel funny.
Oh, my God! How did this come on so fast? 104?!
Oh my God! Come here, honey. You okay?
I'm so sorry.
That's okay. That's okay. All right.
Wait... no... Lynette, it's Annie. I need your help.
Grayer has a temperature of 104... and I have vomit all over me and there's
nobody here.
Did you call his mother?
Yes, I called him mother! She's at some frickin' spa!
I left three messages and she won't call me back!
I don't know what to do!
Should I take him to the emergency room or something?
Annie, I can't answer that.
Do you know a number of a doctor I could call for advice?
Or a nurse?
Of course I know a nurse. Your mother.
Nanny...?
I have to call you back.
What is it, sweetheart? What's wrong?
I want my mommy.
Me, too.
How is everything?
His fever's down. But I think he's got the croup.
The steam should help open his passages and hopefully ease his coughing, and
he can get some rest.
Is there anything I can do?
Just close the door.
He's okay now. Much better.
Oh, thank God.
Even so, you should bring him to the doctor in the morning.
He's probably gonna need a prescription.
Okay. Hey, mom... I don't know how to thank you for coming here and helping
me... Why did you lie to me, Annie?
I have never lied to you. Ever.
I just... Mom, I couldn't handle it any more.
What couldn't you handle?
You're young, you're smart, you're energetic.
You've got this incredibly bright future ahead of you.
It was too bright, ma. I just had to get away.
And do this? Do you understand?
Every night shift I worked, every overtime hour I accepted... I did it because I
wanted something better for you than I had.
Nanny! Good, you're up.
Dennis, leave that there.
So the spa was just awful.
Totally overrun with suburban riffraff.
And then, in the middle of my body scrub, Mr. X called, and believe it or not... he
wants to take us all to Nantucket next week.
So I figured I might as well cut my trip short and... Who's this?
I'm Judy.
It's my mom.
You never mentioned you had a mother, Nanny.
My mom's a nurse. She came over here to help me.
Grayer's been very, very sick. I tried calling you... Where is he?
Well, he's sleeping now.
Then he can't be that sick, can he?
So could you quickly unpack my luggage and just put everything in the laundry.
I'm exhausted, and Mr. X is expected sometime before nine.
I'll see you in the morning.
Very nice to meet you, Julie.
Judy.
Call me when this phase of your life is over.
I desperately wanted to yell out after her... but it was like one of those awful
dreams where I had no voice.
My desire to be an observer of life... was actually keeping me from living one.
Clearly the woman's heinous.
You've got to quit. It's that simple.
I can't. I tried.
What if I made you a tempting offer?
I'm gonna go to my father's house in South Hampton for a month.
I've got to take some time, figure out if law school is really right for me.
Why don't you join me? Do a little soul searching.
We'll get the whole house to ourselves, won't cost a cent.
We'll walk on the beach, we'll drink red wine, grill fresh fish... That sounds like
heaven.
But what if this vacation can save their marriage?
If I quit now, I'll ruin it. And break Grayer's heart.
What about my heart? Do I count for anything?
Come on, say yes! Be young with me in the Hamptons.
Don't go to Nantucket with the weirdos. What do you say?
Not a chance in hell, is there? I can take a hint.
I didn't say no.
Weren't exactly screaming "yes", though, were you?
I'm starting to wonder if you're really selfless
orjust a little self-obsessed.
Thank you. Thanks.
I have to go.
If you change your mind, my offer stands.
We're going to 'Tucket! And guess what else?
I'm getting a puppy.
Oh, God!
Daddy, where's my puppy?
He's waiting for you up in the car there.
Isn't it wonderful? A family trip has been long overdue.
I didn't want to say anything in front of Grayer, but I can only stay for a few days.
They're really pushing me to finish up in Chicago.
You're not gonna leave us on this island alone?
Hi, it's Annie. I haven't heard from you in a while.
My cell phone doesn't work here. So if you wanted to call... you probably have
the number already on your cell phone... but I will give it to you just in case. It
is Five-zero-eight... Hello?
Nanny? I need to use this phone. Immediately.
Oh, sorry!
We're going to the beach!
When I grow up, I want enough money to build a real castle.
Just remember, Grove, that money can't buy love.
But Mommy pays you money, and I love you.
Surprise, surprise, dear.
Hi, grandma!
What the hell are you doing here?
Ask your wife. She's the one who requested I come.
Darling, I... Not that I need an invitation. It is my house.
What news? What in the hell is going on here?
I'm having another baby.
It's virtually impossible!
What exactly are you accusing me of?
And inviting my mother here so I can't go back to Chicago!
One lousy week!
That's what you get for rejecting debutante season!
Who asked you, bitch?!
You want some vodka lubricant?
Can you look after the kids for a minute?
I'm the only nanny here and I have to use the restroom.
Thanks a million.
Listen, I need some nanny advice.
Okay.
I installed a Nanny Cam. So we'll soon know the truth.
I saw another one!
Did you make a wish, Grove?
Mommy, Daddy, you and my puppy.
I know I'm not gonna be your nanny forever.
I can't be.
But that doesn't mean I'm not gonna always be your friend.
There's no O.J. In this goddamned shit shack?
I was just about to make some.
He had a little trouble sleeping.
All my money and I can't get fresh-squeezed. Come on... We used it all at the
party.
Then why don't you and I take a trip to the market and get us some?
I'm not in right now. Leave it at the beep.
Where's Grayer?
With his grandmother.
And where, may I ask, have you been?
I imagine your unacceptable behavior has something to do
with that boy in the building.
Nanny... I wasn't born yesterday.
He called several times this week.
He called? Why didn't you tell me?
I suppose I forgot.
It's really for your own good.
He's a little out of your league, don't you think?
It couldn't possibly end well.
Clearly this isn't working out.
Mr. X has arranged for a taxi to take you to the ferry
and a car to pick you up on the other end.
Please don't do this. Not for me, but for Grayer.
Not until you and your husband work your problems out... You stupid, stupid girl.
As if you know anything about the real world.
All I've got is a hundred. You know what?
When you come back for my mother at some point.
Keep ten bucks for yourself.
Nanny... here's your final payment.
I expect you to have all your things out of our apartment when we come back.
Just leave the keys with the doorman.
Grayer, I think you should take a nap. I'm certainly ready for one.
Nanny! Where you going?!
Grayer... Don't leave me. Nanny!
- What are you doing? - Take it, take it... I just can't tolerate the yapping.
Grayer's too young anyway.
- Nanny, don't go! - Grayer, stay... Nanny, wait!
Nanny!
Grayer.
What?!
Go ahead, puppy, do your business. Anywhere you like.
Good puppy!
Nanny Cam, where are you hiding?
You want Nanny Cam, lady? I'll give you "Nannies Gone Wild"!
And this is how the most significant confrontation in my life... happened with a
teddy bear.
After the abrupt termination of my field work... I took some time to make sense
of all that I had witnessed.
During this period, I read that critics of anthropology believe... thatjust by
observing a culture, you inevitably change it.
And the many times that I thought of Grayer... I secretly hoped those critics were
right.
This is a tape of my latest nanny disaster.
She was extremely problematic, to say the least.
She neglected Grayer, she drank. She even flirted with my husband.
I finally had to fire her for promiscuous behavior with a boy in the building.
This videotape shows her feeding my child peanut butter and jelly... directly from
the jar.
I remember this nanny. She had a very peculiar attitude.
Let's watch.
- You excited about going to Nantucket? - Yes.
Then why don't you close your eyes
- I love you, Nanny. - Good night.
Let it play out. We'll get something good.
Okay, Mrs. X, now it's time for a few simple child-care rules.
Slamming the door in your kid's face is not okay!
Spending more time on a benefit for kids you've never met... than you do with
your own blood is not okay!
Going to a spa when your son has a fever of 104... and not answering emergency
calls
- That officially makes you an unfit mother!
This is outrageous. Stop the tape.
No. This is clearly a disgruntled nanny.
We might have something to learn here.
I know that you're busy with your hair appointments and your watsu massages...
and your attempts to stay young so your husband won't leave you.
But here's an idea - why don't you try... eating dinner with your child every once
in a blue moon.
And a heads-up here, lady.
Try smiling once in a while. People hate you!
As for you, Mr. X, who the hell are you?
Maybe you're asking the same about me. I know you've noticed my ass... but you
probably don't recognize my face, so here's a little hint.
I'm the one who's been raising your son.
Grayer is not an accessory.
His mother didn't order him from a catalogue.
Your son, your wife... are people in your home.
Human beings who are drowning in their desire... for you to just look at them.
The truth is I don't wish either of you harm... if for no other reason than you
having... the profound privilege of being Grayer's parents.
Grayer loves you.
Or what you buy him or what school he gets into.
He just wants you there. That's it.
He won't love you unconditionally that much longer.
So for your own good, don't miss out on getting to know him.
He is truly an amazing, amazing little person.
- Excuse me. - Of course.
It's a much tougher game out there for women.
Nature deals us some tricky cards.
Is that so hard to understand? - No.
I don't know. I just... So I guess you're not going into finance.
I don't think that having money makes it any easier.
I know that now.
It's okay. It's your life.
Personally, I think you're making a big mistake.
But it is your life.
I want you to be happy.
Hey.
Hayden.
And once I let myself say it, it was a habit that was pretty hard to break.
It's going pretty good, actually.
There's more scholarships out there than I thought.
Why are you so late?
Because I have something for you. It's from your former employer.
What?
She cornered me on the 12th floor.
Figured I could get to you before she could.
I don't want to read this.
- Why don't I read it to you? - Okay.
"It's been months since we've spoken, but the things you said on that tape haunt
me every day."
"And now looking back, I don't know what to say... except thank you..."
"and I'm sorry."
"You were so right.
Of all my privileges, Grayer is my greatest."
"I desperately needed someone to show me that. You did."
"And for that, I owe you the world."
"You may or may not be surprised to learn that I've left my husband."
Not out of the jar.
Try it.
"Any man who made me feel desperate enough to feign
a pregnancy wasn't worth fighting for."
Isn't it good?
Yeah... it is good.
"So I'm pretty confident that in time, we'll be getting along just fine."
Yeah, it's really good! Really good!
"Please know that I wish you all the best in life."
"Sincerely... Alexandra."
"P. S..."
"I'm happy to report that Grayer asks for you a little bit less every day..."
"and every night."
- Come on. - Okay.
Let's get out of here.
I'm catching a Yankees game with my dad tonight.
Sounds wonderful.
There's a popular belief amongst anthropologists... that you must immerse
yourself in an unfamiliar world... in order to truly understand your own.
Probably gotta get going soon, actually.
See you later tonight?
I certainly hope so.
In conclusion, I hope this field diary has been illuminating... for those
considering my application to graduate school.
It certainly has been for me.
After a lost summer of being "Nanny", I finally got to know "Annie".
Thanks to a little man named Grayer... I only had to trek across the Hudson
River... to make this most amazing discovery.