Punchy
by
Kelleen Conway Blanchard
Setting
The Seattle PI newsroom. It is a long room with short mauve cubicles.
Characters
Nick- Music Reporter
Michelle- Managing Editor
Lou- Reporter
Allen-Reporter
Stuart-Reporter
Mike- Reporter
Nick is in Allen's cubicle. Allen is eating a messy, stinky sandwich. Nick leans for a moment. Allen
continues eating with focus.
Nick
Tom got fired.
Allen
Tom the Editor or Tom the guy with the mustache from Marketing?
Nick
The Editor.
Allen
Too bad. I hate that douche bag from marketing. He always wants to shake my hand.
Nick
Yeah?
Allen
Those marketing fuckers are so touchy feely.
Nick
Yeah.
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Allen
Yeah. I hate fucking hand shakers. And huggers. Oh fuck, huggers are worse. I hate huggers.
Nick
Is that... what kind of cheese is that….on your sandwich?
Allen
I don't know. Bless those marketing fuckers though. Without them selling ladies panties. No one would
pay my rent.
Nick
It smells a little bit like vomit. Vomit that's been grilled.
Allen
Yeah. Thank God for those soulless marketing fuckers though huh? And ladies panties. Especially, the
panties.
Nick
Something's wrong with that sandwich.
Allen
Yes. Thank God for ladies panties.
Nick
Poor Tom. Don't you think? I mean...I think he had a family.
Allen
Jesus Nick, Tom didn't get fired. Nobody gets fired at the PI.
Nick
No, he got really fired. No shit . I saw him cleaning out his desk this morning. He didn't look so good.
Allen
Tom never looks good He looks like a Rotweiler
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Nick
I like Rotweilers.
Michelle enters.
Michelle
Bullshit.
Nick
He does look like a Rotweiler. Around the mouth especially.
Michelle
No, bullshit, he didn't get fired. He definitely looks like a Rotweiler.
Nick
Oh. Well. He did. Get fired.
Michelle
He broke Jack's teeth in September. Remember? He didn't get fired for that. Or for that hole that's still
in the men's bathroom wall.
Allen
How do you know what's in the men’s room? Or is it too dirty to share in mixed company? Nick?
Michelle and I need some privacy. She's gonna tell me all about her time in the men’s room.
Michelle
Funny. Allen. Really. I know everything. I know every fucking thing that happens here. Remember
that.
Nick
Jack missed a deadline. So Tom was upset. Anybody would've been upset. Michelle you would've been
upset.
Michelle
Yes. But I'm a grown up lady. I don't punch people in the face when I'm upset.
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Allen
Michelle is more skilled in emotional trauma.
Michelle
That's true.
Nick
Tom, he just got some kinda note in his file for punching out all of Jacks teeth.
Allen
Not all of them. Jack still has all of his molars and an eye- tooth.
Michelle
Poor Jack. He should get that fixed.
Allen
I don't know he used to be just ugly but now he's interesting ugly. The ladies like that.
Michelle
How would you know what the ladies like?
Allen
Don't question my lady skills.
Nick
Never question a mans lady skills.
Michelle
Anyway Tom had anger management issues. He had to take a class.
Allen
Oh, I took that class. I keep the 10 steps in my wallet.
Allen pulls a laminated card from his wallet.
Nick
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Has this been set on fire ?
Allen
Oh yeah ,a couple of times .But it's laminated so its still pretty readable. See that? Step one Breathe
deeply, slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy."
Nick
Does that work?
Allen
No. Not at all.
Michelle
Tom is batshit crazy and now he's fired. That's all. Anyway. Don't you have some work to do?
Allen
I am working. I'm deep in this investigation here. I'm getting the facts. Night Editor fired in mysterious
scandal.
Michelle
Tom isn't news. We're a family newspaper remember? We try to keep the unsavory exploits of our
employees away from God fearing decent people for Christ's sake.
Mike enters
Mike
Oh hey. Tom got fired.
Allen
I know dumbshit. Everybody knows. Way to scoop that story.
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Mike
He called in. Couldn't make it in last night. He was in jail.
Allen
Oh yeah?
Mike
Punched out a sixth grader on the bus.
Allen
Oh well.
Mike
Yeah a buncha little kids were talking real loud and getting real close up in his personal space. One of
them called him a fat fucker.
Nick
Oh shit. He's real sensitive about that. He's been drinking those diet shakes and everything.
Mike
So he spit in the kids face.
Michelle
Very nice.
Mike
And then the kid pushed him and slapped his take out all over the bus. It was corn dogs and pecan pie
by the way so, so much for the diet. Tom punched him in the mouth.
Allen
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That's his M.O. He's a mouth puncher.
Mike
Plus, I think Tom was drunk. So that was all part of the arresting and firing.
Allen
Shit. I really didn't think you could get fired here.
Mike
If you beat the shit out of a sixth grader on the bus they'll fire you.
Michelle
Is that in the employee handbook?
Mike
That kid was a huge sixth grader though. In Toms defense.
Lou enters
Lou
Hello boys and lady.
Michelle
Tom got fired.
Lou
I know and I weep for him but we must go on. Outside the birds are singing, the sun is bright and hot. It
is the most glorious time of year.
Michelle
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What's wrong with you?
Lou
Check the calendar men.
Allen checks his calendar
Allen
Oh shit. It is the most glorious time of year.
Lou
Yes my dear friends. The flowers are rising. The beauty of nature surrounds us. All we have to do is
reach out, stretch out our poor needy hands and nature will provide her bounty.
Nick
What is he talking about?
Allen
Interns.
Lou
A fresh young ,nubile crop of innocent, eager interns comes skipping eagerly into our office today.
Today. I wore my blue shirt. It brings out my eyes.
Michelle
Stay the fuck away from my interns.
Lou
Whoa there. Hang on there. I seek to instruct and enlighten our youth. Especially, the pretty lady ones.
Michelle
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Stay the fuck way from my interns. I'm not joking.
Michelle exits
Lou
And so the sun has set. Hope is gone. Winter has come so soon.
Mike
Don't fuck with her interns.
Allen
She'll cut you
Mike
Yeah. I bet she would.
Nick makes a phone call.
Nick
Hey keep it down for a minute. I got Bob Dylan on the phone.
They all begin to sing a rousing chorus of Blowin' in the Wiind
Nick
Seriously. Hello? Hello? Mister Dylan. Nick Boyle here Seattle PI. What?
They whisper the song annoyingly.
Nick
You're coming to the Memorial Stadium. Tell me what's special about this show?
Allen lobs his terrible sandwich toward the trash. It slides off of Nick.
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Jesus Christ. No. No. That wasn't to you. Can you speak up? There's some static.
Mike
Is he asking the great Bob Dylan to stop mumbling?
Nick
Right. So… all I heard there was something about a hat. Oh Okay. Right.
Michelle enters
Michelle
Hello again. Miss me?
Lou
I always miss you. Even when you're here Michelle. It's like you can't get close enough.
Michelle
My interns are safely in my office. I have warned them about all of you and your disgustingly
predatory tactics. You will treat them with respect.
Lou
I have nothing but respect for pretty ladies. I have never disrespected any pretty lady.
Michelle
I think your first two wives would disagree.
Allen
She plays dirty. You are ruthless Michelle. I like that in a woman. Sure you don't want to tell me all
about the men’s room? You could show me.
Nick
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Shh. I mean it. Mister Dylan?
He puts his hand over the telephone mouthpiece.
I can't hear anything. Just like a moany sound.
Mike
Maybe you're having a different kind of telephone interaction. Is there heavy breathing?
Nick
Shut the fuck up. No not you. I'm sorry Mister Dylan. Tell me what's your set gonna be like? Uhhuh.
Great. Big fan. Oh. Okay. Well, Seattle couldn't be more thrilled. Yes. Thank you.
He hangs up the phone.
What the fuck? I mean. It sounded like I was talking to him from a tin can, under water.
Allen
Bob Dylan doesn't much like the phone. He's so paranoid about people getting his phone number he
layers phone calls through three phone lines.
Nick
I have pretty much nothing here. Jesus. I can't write a whole column about Bob Dylan's poor
enunciation.
Allen
Yeah. I'm pretty sure that not breaking news to anyone.
Nick
He's a tough interview. So's Ringo Starr and Joan Baez. Don't you think Alice Copper and Joan Baez
look like the same person? You know who's a great interview? James Taylor. He's just as sweet as can
be.
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Michelle
I have a very special story assignment.
Lou exits quickly
Allen
No.
Michelle
Because my affection for you is all encompassing. Because, I am amused and titillated by your very
romantic men’s room remarks, I have earmarked this very important breaking news item for you Allen.
Allen
I have assignments.
Michelle
Let me just read the newswire. Punchy, an abandoned and neglected one- eyed Labrador retriever
living under a local man's porch, was found badly burned after rescuing three baby chicks and a kitten
from a garage fire. Punchy (named according to local children for his ability to take a punch) is in
stable condition although he may lose his front legs. He is recovering at the Humane Society and
donations are being accepted for a special cart and an eye patch. The kitten and baby chicks are in good
health and were returned to their owners. Myrna and Joesph Stuckey. The garage fire is being
investigated. Police believe it was started by lightening or firecrackers.
Allen
No.
Michelle
I think you are the reporter with the most empathy and appreciation for Gods creatures. Punchys story
needs to be told.
Allen
Jesus Christ Michelle. I hate fucking animal stories.
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Michelle
Everyone hates animal stories. But you have a gift. My great Aunt Cecily says no one understands
kittens like you. She always reads your animal stories.
Allen
I'm sorry about the men's room comments. Really.
Michelle
Those are sweet words and of course you are forgiven. But, it is our responsibility to find out what
happened to Punchy. Who wants to talk to Sewage Management about their new route?
Stuart a young excited reporter runs on stage
Stuart
I will.
Michelle
Thanks Stuart.
Stuart
Fuck Yeah!
Stuart runs off
Allen
What is wrong with that kid?
Mike
He's just very enthusiastic.
Michelle
Yes, He has a good attitude unlike every other person in this room.
Allen
That shit'll get beat out of him.
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Michelle
Absolutely. But like a sunny day in January or sex with one you sad cases- We'll enjoy it for the very,
very, very short time it lasts.
Mike
Ouch.
Michelle
That's just the word on the street. Bye guys. I'll be checking back later for all the dirt on Punchy the
Miracle Angel Dog.
She exits
Mike
Too bad man. Too bad. Your inbox is gonna be flooded with Grandmas. Everybody loves an animal
story.
Allen
Fuck. Remember that Judge that was molesting little boys and we spent a year building that story?
Mike
Sure. Yeah.
Allen
I got four emails. Four. The last time I did an animal story...
Mike
Mindy the dancing donkey.
Allen
Yes. Mindy. Fucking donkey. I got 247 e-mails.
Mike
People are stupid as fuck.
Nick
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I think something’s wrong with Lou.
Allen
He's covering that double homicide. The police report is really graphic. Some guy came home from
work killed his babies. Shot them in their crib.
Mike
Shit.
Nick
I think he's crying.
Mike
Yeah. He's packing up his stuff. Going home to his family. What the fuck else are you gonna do?
Silence for a moment
Nick
Allen? I smell like your sandwich.
The end
Extra Stuff
Nick
Kurt was by now famous. Just come back from his European success This must’ve been the Fall
’91. Backstage well- wishers. All the band had separate dressing rooms but Kurt's was filled
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with people kinda standing there awkwardly. I don’t know nervously. Like something might go
off. Kurt was sitting on a stool. Wet with sweat, head in his hands. I said hi. I stuck out my
hand. He stuck out his hand, shook my hand and then put is head back in his hands and that’s
the only interview I got with Kurt Cobain. And then not so long after he was dead. Kurt's death
was on a Friday, the day after my birthday. Boeing had just introduced the triple 7. The PI put
12 reporters on that story And at the house throngs of people. TV vans on the sidewalk. TV
vans don't care where they park. Courtney invited me to his memorial. It’s an awkward
situation. You’ve been invited because people trust you but there’s a story to be told you know?
Courtney, I like Courtney she talks a lot. At the service they passed around this flyer with a
picture of Kurt, he was something like 7. He had a blonde prince valiant haircut. Just the
sweetest picture.
Nick
When they announced that the PI had officially closed, I got this e-mail from a reader. Never did find
out who it was. She said, “You’re I was so wonderful. Please don’t sleep in your car. I had a friend who
had to sleep in his car.” I wanted to tell her, It’s okay I don’t have to sleep in my car.
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