© Unpublished work. C.L. Gillan. Pacific Union Conference, Office of Education, Early Childhood Education and Care Division,
2686 Townsgate Road, Westlake Village, CA, 91361. (805) 497-9457. www.puconline.org.
Children and Grief
By: Christine Gillan, Ed.S.
Background . . .
Outline
Crisis
 Definitions of Grief
 Stages of Grief
 Developmental Milestones
 Helping Children Through Life
Transitions

CRISIS
Feelings…
Predictable
 Experienced by everyone

CRISIS
Disequilibrium can cause
developmental suspension
Healthy Coping

Realistic perceptions of the event

Adequate situational support

Adequate coping mechanisms
What is Grief?
Grief is . . .

Intense sorrow, great sadness,
especially as a result of death, loss
and/or change

Intense, deep, and profound sorrow,
especially due to a specific event or
situation.
Life transitions
The Five Stages of Grief
DENIAL
ANGER
BARGAINING
DEPRESSION
ACCEPTANCE
The Five Stages of Grief
DENIAL
Shock
Numb
Giddiness
Disbelief
Extreme emotions
ANGER
irritable
irrational
demanding
crying
RAGE
envy
selfpity
bitterness
pessimis
m
resentment
moody
hostile
complaining
raised voice
anxious
restless
BARGAINING
Desperation
Plea’s & Promises
Quiet Guilt
Attempts at reconciliation
DEPRESSION
Acute suffering
Real guilt
Trembling
Self-reproach
Dejected
Feeling abandoned
Withdrawn
Sleeplessness
Fearful
Regretful
Sense of
meaninglessness
Unresponsive
Dizziness
Unable to
concentrate
Powerless
Lack of appetite
Lack of confidence
Emptiness
Suicidal
Acceptance
 Future
thoughts
 More
hope
 More
peace
 Happiness
returning
Developmental Milestones
Young Children and Trauma
Children are aware when there is great
sadness and stress, especially as a
result of marital problems, death, loss
and/or change.
Research
Developmental
Stage
Life
Experiences
What we know
Children think spontaneously about
death; fear abandonment
 Understanding is progressive &
developmentally/experientially based
 Children’s grief behaviors differ from
adults
 Children may or may not mourn

What we know, cont.
Magical thinking fills in “the gaps” and
helps to explain the unknown
 YC have thoughts & fantasies of
reunion, including suicidal ideology
 Death of a parent or sibling increase
risk of emotional disorders in adults

Developmental Milestones
Infants – 2 Years Old
Will sense a loss
 Will remember
 Will pick up on grief of a parent or
caretaker
 May display behavioral changes
 May change eating, sleeping, toilet
habits

Compiled from Keynote Addresses by J.W.Worden PhD at 1991 ADEC Annual Meeting.
(Retrieved July 7, 2005 from: http://www.hospicenet.org/html/children.html).
(American Red Cross, 2001, Helping
Young Children Cope with Trauma)
Developmental Milestones
2-6 Years Old










Takes language literally
Plays/imitates grown-ups
Functions on day-to-day
basis
Cannot imagine life without
mom or dad
Picks up on nonverbal
communication
Magical thinking
Egocentric
“If you wish it, it happens”
Connects things not related
Physical symptoms






Death is reversible
Death is sleep
No understanding of
time or death
Thinks dead people
continue to do things
Death brings confusion,
guilt
Fanciful thoughts can
be suicidal ideology
(American Red Cross, 2001, Helping
Young Children Cope with Trauma)
Developmental Milestones
6 - 9 Years Old




Egocentric thinking
Still has magical
thinking, outside the
realm of the child’s
realistic mind
Confusion of
wording
“Why?” questions





(American Red Cross, 2001, Helping
Young Children Cope with Trauma)
Personifies death
Sometimes a violent
thing
Fails to accept that
death will happen to
them
Fears that death is
something contagious
Develops an interest in
the causes of death
Developmental Milestones
9 - 12 Years Old


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May see problem as a
punishment
Develops strong sense of
good & bad behavior
Still some magical thinking
Needs reassurance
Theorizes
“What happened?” questions
Questions relationship
changes caused by life
changes
Worries about who will
provide & care for them
May regress





May see death as
punishment for poor
behavior
Begins an interest in
biological factors of death
Concerns about ritual,
burying
Questions relationship
changes caused by death
Interested in spiritual
aspects of death
Developmental Milestones
Teenagers







Cognitive skills
developed
Thinks like an adult
Needs adult guidance
Needs someone to listen
/ talk with
May feel guilt, anger,
responsibility
Not sure how to handle
own emotions
Attachment disorders





Views death as
inevitable, universal,
irreversible
Questions meaning of
life if it ends in death
Sees aging process
leading to death
Sees self as invincible
Sees death as a natural
enemy
Helping Children Through Life
Transitions
Tasks for Bereaved Children

Understanding

Grieving

Commemorating

“Going on”
Victims & Vulnerability

Direct victims

Indirect victims

Hidden victims
Helping the Young Child







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Recognize your own feelings
Share facts with families & children
Monitor vulnerable children
Address fears and fantasies
Discuss issues specific to the situation – as
appropriate & with parental guidance
Support children
Commemorate
Establish stress strengtheners & coping
mechanisms
Tell parents . . .
What is being seen
Ask . . .
To be kept informed
Encourage parents to . . .
Be open and honest with the child
Listen to the child
Be Open and Honest
Give the facts
Share feelings
Describe upcoming events
Invite inclusion
Listen to the Child
Encourage questions
Allow the expression of feelings
Encourage commemorative activities
Be aware of comfort/curiosity level
Inclusion . . .
Allow child to visit hospital
funeral home
estranged spouse & family
Make time . . .
Keep all routines and schedules
Plan for purposeful one-on-one time
Empathize
Typical Behaviors

Jealousy

Guilt

Rejection & Isolation

Fear
Jealously is . . .
Not enough attention
Closely linked to anger
Needs positive . . .
avenues for expression
The teacher can . . .
Reassure the child . . .
 It’s
okay to
feel jealous,
but . . .
 Find
some good
ways to let out
feelings without
hurting others.
Children’s Feelings & Concerns






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Dolls/puppets
Dramatic play
Physical contact
Clay & play dough
Draw a picture / paint
Large muscle movement
Create a mural or collage
Write a letter/poem/story/song
Share experience in group discussions
Commemorate









Say a prayer
Blow bubbles
Light a candle
Send a balloon
Make cookies or cake
Plant a flower/tree/shrub
Make a memory gift/book/bag
Make a tape/video of memories
Put up a plaque/picture/statue/bird bath
Goldman, Linda. (Sept. 1996). We can help children grieve: A child-oriented model for memorializing. Young Children. NAEYC: Washington, D.C.
Guilt for. . .
Unrealistic Beliefs
Angry thoughts
for not “being good”
for not being able to make things better
for being healthy (and happy)
for “going on” with life
The teacher can . . .
Assure the child . . .
That it is not
their fault and
they can . . .
Help by: Writing a letter,
Drawing a picture,
Making a tape,
Praying, etc.
Rejection and Isolation
Excluded . . .
The Teacher . . .
Reassure the child . . .
That she is very
important . . .
with
Communicate
To the: Teacher
Class and
Family
the
Parent(s)
Fear is . . .
Most common emotion . . .
It may happen to them (illness/death)
Due to lack of knowledge, wrong info/changes
Fantasies are far worse than reality (usually)
Separation and/or abandonment
The Teacher . . .
Reassure the child . . .
That fear is
normal & good
They should:
Talk to someone they
love and trust
 Pray about their fears

Religion and Death
“When someone dies
his/her body stops working.”
Danger Signals







Extended
depression
Inability to sleep
Loss of appetite
Prolonged fear
Angry outbursts
Acting much
younger
Lasting behavioral
changes





Excessive imitation
Wanting to join the
dead person
Withdrawal
Drop in school
performance or
refusal to attend
school
Inappropriate
coping skills
Thank you for our attendance and participation
Children and Grief
Designed By: Julie Masterson
Children and Grief

By: Christine Gillan, Ed.S.