John Lennon’s Gargoyle
full-length play
by
Bryan Willis
contact:
Bryan Willis
P.O. Box 1088
McCleary, WA 98557
360/754-2818
willis@olynet.com
82005
8/8/08
“If this is the best of all possible worlds, what are the others?”
--Candide
John Lennon’s Gargoyle
8 2003 Bryan Willis
All rights reserved. Except for brief passages quoted in newspaper, magazine, radio or
television reviews, no part of this script may be reproduced in any form or by any means,
electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording, or by an information storage and
retrieval system, without permission in writing from the authors.
Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that this material, being fully protected under
Copyright Laws of the United States of America and of all other countries of the Berne and
Universal Copyright Conventions, is subject to a royalty. All rights including, but not limited
to, professional, amateur, recording, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio
and television broadcasting, and the rights of translation into foreign languages are expressly
reserved. Particular emphasis is placed on readings and all uses of this play by educational
institutions, permission for which must be secured from the author. For all rights, including
amateur and stock performances, contact: Bryan Willis, P.O. Box 1088, McCleary, WA 98557,
360/754-2818, willis@olynet.com
Cast
Frank ........................................... modern Candide
Lucy ............................................. Lily’s mom, con artist
Henderson..................................... female bartender
Pamela .......................................... Frank’s soon-to-be-ex-wife
Sinclair .......................................... chunky hitchhiker, doubles as Pangloss
Burrows ................................ the alias Elvis used when he was on tour
Julia ............................................... Frank and Lucy’s daughter
Pangloss......................................... Frank’s psychiatrist/philosophical mentor
Medical Attendants
The play received a staged reading at A Contemporary Theatre as part
of Seattle’s first annual FringeACT. Jerry Manning directed the following
cast:
Craig Zagurski .............................. Frank
Shelley Reynolds ............................ Lucy
Jessica Barkl ..................................Henderson, Julia
Patricia Britton ............................. Pamela, Sasquatch
Clark Sanford ............................... Pangloss, Sinclair
Seanjean Walsh ............................ John Burrows, D.B. Cooper, Jimmy Hoffa
Stage Manager: Louise Clark
New York Theater Workshop presented a reading of the play in Feb. 2003.
Jerry Manning directed the following cast:
Patch Darrah .............................. Frank
Rhea Seehorn .............................. Lucy
Jessica Barkl ............................... Julia
Laura Marks ............................... Pamela, Sasquatch
Henderson ................................... Robin Roy
Ken Marks .................................. Pangloss, Sinclair
Ezra Knight ................................ John Burrows, D.B. Cooper, Jimmy Hoffa
Stage Manager ........................... Chris Guilmet
Production note: the action is continuous, without blackouts, preferably without
intermission.
Special thanks to Tracy Huddleson for permission to use “October,” and to
Baker, who inspired Julia’s monologue.
John’s song was adapted from “The Lady’s First Song,” by William Butler Yeats.
John
One
How Frank Rationalizes Infidelity
&
(almost) Regrets Taking His Own Advice
Fade up on FRANK weeding a garden. He addresses the Audience
as if speaking to a psychiatrist--a fact which will become apparent
in later scenes.
FRANK
Before you write me off as some delusional whacko--which is not, and I understand this, an
unreasonable conclusion, just--let me explain how this started. My first mistake, the Big One,
and the big lesson here: Don’t make fun of dead people. That’s exactly when my Karma
headed south.
Lights up on an upscale bar on the upper east side, NYC. Some music
plays softly on a cassette deck.
A female bartender/bouncer, HENDERSON, washes glasses behind the
bar. It’s a slow night.
A lone customer sits at the end of the bar: LUCY, fashionably dressed,
late 20s-mid-30s. Not the slightest sign of intoxication. She’s reading
a newspaper.
FRANK
Ask anyone, it was just an awful week, I. My wife and I had a huge, one of those blow-out--I’m
getting ahead of myself. Here, let me just get this on and--They were talking.
He dons an expensive winter coat and scarf, prepares to enter the scene.
LUCY
“SWM, 34, Columbia grad, unconventional, infectious smile--usually strong, now love- sick,
desperately needs pretty prep grad to restore sanity. No weirdoes. Send photo.”
HENDERSON
Sounds desperate.
LUCY
Desperate’s good.
HENDERSON
“Infectious Smile.”
They sip their club sodas.
LUCY
...“Chunky married male seeks non-animalkeeping lady for serious diet and discreet daytime
exercise”-HENDERSON
Mark it.
LUCY
Eew.
FRANK enters the scene, takes off the overcoat and scarf.
FRANK
(To the Audience.)
I walked in, I think I heard the “Eew,” purely coincidental, I’m sure.
(The women stifle a collective snicker.)
FRANK
(Sits a few stools down from LUCY.)
Anyway, it’s December 1980. New York City. I’m 23; I’m a total ass.
HENDERSON
(Still washing.)
Any time you’re ready.
FRANK
Something smooth. A nice port with a whiskey chaser. You have Old Crow?
HENDERSON
Nothing smooth about Old Crow.
FRANK
Oh, uh--Guess I’m not up on my whiskeys...Thank you.
HENDERSON
$9.50. You want to run a tab?
FRANK
Ahh--no. (Looks at LUCY.) Yeah. Thanks.
HENDERSON
Not up on his whiskeys.
LUCY
Mm-hmn. I caught that.
A moment.
FRANK
Any luck?
LUCY
Excuse me?
FRANK
With the Personals. Any luck?
LUCY takes a long swig of her club soda and, it would seem, she is tipsy.
FRANK
Sorry.
LUCY
I was reading about the Death of a Cultural Icon.
FRANK
Oh yeah. I thought you were, you know, checking out the Personals.
LUCY
No.
A moment.
FRANK
It was sad and everything but, tell you the truth, he was kinda before my time. I mean, I know
the music and everything, but the whole ‘60s thing. Before my--time. Sorry.
A moment.
FRANK
I didn’t mean like, you know, to assume your age or anything...OK, yeah. Maybe let’s just pay
the tab now, OK?
HENDERSON
Smooth.
FRANK
That’s great. A big, big tip for you. As soon as I know the bill.
HENDERSON
$9.50.
FRANK
(Lays a bill on the bar. Puts on
his coat.)
The other thing is, you know. The guy’s muzak, and maybe you hold him up as the soul
of rock & roll, but to Me, some guy singing about “imagine no possessions” while he’s
whooping it up with Yoko in his Central Park pleasure dome. Excuse me if I don’t get all
choked up. Which sounds so cold, but hey, there’s a reason for everything, right? Maybe it
was just meant to be, you know? “Let It Be.”
LUCY
That was Paul.
FRANK
Whatever, just, you know: I’ve gotta tell you (downs his shot), I mean honestly, the impact the
man had on my life? Minimal to None. And the fact that you obviously regard him as some
sort of I don’t know what-LUCY
Philosopher.
FRANK
You see now that, that is a sad reflection of the desperate, intellectually bereft times in which we
live.
HENDERSON
“Intellectually bereft.”
FRANK
No offense-LUCY
And “desperate.”
FRANK
I’m just so tired, I’m already tired of people making such a big deal out it. Sorry.
On his way out--he points to LUCY’s paper.
FRANK
Bonafide losers, every one of ‘em. I’m sure you can do better.
LUCY
(Closes her paper.)
Did he just make a pass?
HENDERSON
I think so. Ask him.
LUCY
Did you just-FRANK
(Hands her a business card.)
This is me.
LUCY
He is smooth.
HENDERSON
He’s a smoothie.
LUCY
Franklin Smith. Administrative Assistant. Saudi Petroleum.
HENDERSON
File Boy.
FRANK
Executive in training.
LUCY
And he’s married.
FRANK
(Holds up ring finger.)
Did I say I wasn’t?
LUCY
Shame on you. Henderson, please.
HENDERSON pours another port for FRANK.
LUCY
Married Man. Sit.
FRANK
(Attempts to retrieve his card.)
I really should be-LUCY
Finish your drink. I want to tell you a few basic rules of matri-FRANK
I really should-LUCY
SIT DOWN. Please. Finish your drink...Talk to me.
FRANK
I....
HENDERSON
Married two years.
FRANK
Thirteen months.
HENDERSON
Business School.
FRANK
Comparative Religion Major.
LUCY & HENDERSON
Ooooh.
FRANK
What.
LUCY
Comparative Religion-HENDERSON
Thinks too much.
FRANK
True.
LUCY
Doesn’t love his wife.
FRANK
I didn’t say that.
HENDERSON sets him up with another chaser.
FRANK
Fine. Thank you.
LUCY
You want to sleep with me?
FRANK
...No.
LUCY splashes her drink on FRANK’S face. HENDERSON sets her
up with a new one.
FRANK
See now-now that’s just it. I can’t read the signs; these mixed signals are just too much for me
and every other hapless, bewildered male in New York. The World. We don’t have a clue.
We’re clueless.
LUCY
If you throw that drink in my face I’ll kill you.
HENDERSON
She will.
A moment. FRANK sets down his drink.
LUCY
Sorry. I’m a little tipsy.
FRANK
What if I had answered-LUCY
Don’t get ahead of yourself.
FRANK
Right.
LUCY
Why would you cheat on your lovely wife.
FRANK
She is--lovely. And I’ve learned in 13 months of marriage that a married man never, never gets
the final word. If she wins, I lose. If I have the audacity to be right, I pay for it dearly: I still
lose. Any way you cut it, I lose. Which pretty much reduces me to-HENDERSON
A grinning idiot?
FRANK
So she tells me. But in fact, that’s not really the case because I’ve discovered a way to win,
which is to not argue, not lose, let her think I’m a grinning idiot and have affairs with women
who have a little more respect for--Me.
LUCY laughs mid-swallow.
FRANK
What, I just-LUCY
And how many of these “affairs” have you had?
FRANK
A--few.
LUCY
Frank’s not being honest.
FRANK
A few--set up.
HENDERSON
Oh, then I guess he hasn’t actually-FRANK
What’s the hurry; I don’t want to shove it down her throat--I mean, I mean. You know what I
mean.
HENDERSON
God.
LUCY
And what happens when she cheats on you?
FRANK
You know what, I don’t care. I really don’t.
LUCY
And if she finds you in the sack with one of your pending rendezvous-ettes-FRANK
She’d kill me, but that’s, you know, part of the thrill. But that’s not going to happen and
I don’t want it to. We’re happy, you know, plus we’ve got a great apartment. I’m not going to
risk that.
HENDERSON
Comparative Religion major.
LUCY
Uh-huh. And these affairs that are pending. Do you enchant these women with-She looks to HENDERSON: the two women laugh.
FRANK
I thought you were going to advise me on the basic rules of matrimony.
LUCY
Oh no. You’re much too advanced for that.
HENDERSON
Too advanced.
LUCY
Different plane, a higher place.
FRANK
Mm-hmn.
LUCY
You’ve risen above any petty advice I--we could offer.
FRANK
(Places his hand over LUCY’s glass.)
I would never search for a lover in the personals.
LUCY
I would never take joy in a man being shot. In front of his home.
HENDERSON
In front of his wife.
LUCY
If you don’t get that. If you just. Can’t understand why I might be-HENDERSON
He doesn’t.
LUCY
No. (Turns away.) Never mind. (The slightest trace of a tear.)
FRANK
I’m sorry, I-LUCY
So then you’re glad he was-FRANK
No, I-LUCY
Because to me, the whole idea of--just Boom and he’s gone, it’s just...this is hard.
FRANK
I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
LUCY
No, of course not and it. Of course not. It just. It makes me feel very, profoundly...sad. And
alone. And I would like you, someone who isn’t particularly moved by his music, to just--try to
understand what I’m going through, to comfort me. To come to my apartment and comfort me
and hold me and help me not feel so--alone.
A moment. They kiss...They kiss again.
LUCY
Henderson, you have a bottle of Glenmorangie?
HENDERSON
I think so, yeah-LUCY
The Port Wood Finish.
HENDERSON
Yeah.
LUCY
Give it to Frank.
HENDERSON
We don’t really sell by the--
LUCY gives her a bill.
Hundred dollars--is fine. Thank you.
HENDERSON gives the bottle to FRANK.
FRANK
Thank you.
LUCY
(Writes her address on a bar napkin.)
Before you come, I have a favor to ask. Not required but-FRANK
Name it.
LUCY
Bring a memento from the spot where he died. Some little--something. A little piece of history
to remember him. And you. Beautiful, naive Frank. (Finishes writing.) Do you know the
Dakota Building?
FRANK
I do.
LUCY
When you’re done with that--and you will bring me something?
FRANK
Yes.
LUCY
Then you’ll find me here. (Gives him the napkin.) This is me. I’ll be waiting.
A moment. They kiss. He exits...LUCY continues her search in the
Personals. HENDERSON examines Frank’s measly tip.
LUCY coughs. HENDERSON returns the $100 bill.
Two
How Frank Learns What Happened
to a Vital Organ
Cross-fade to FRANK asleep in a bathtub. There’s a telephone on a
small pedestal beside the tub. Some of his clothes--time allowing, velcro
highly recommended--are on the floor. A small stone Gargoyle is perched
between Frank’s shoes and a half-empty bottle of Glenmorangie.
The phone rings.
A quick intake of breath--FRANK is awake. He picks up the receiver.
FRANK
Hello?
Dial tone. FRANK sits up and looks at his chest. And now we see
writing, upside down, the letters marked with lipstick: “CALL 911”
FRANK
(To Audience.)
That’s the little memento from the Dakota. Lucy, of course, is long gone. This (Points to
chest) is her parting message.
FRANK dials the phone.
...Yeah, uh, hi. I don’t think this is an emergency, but I just woke up and there’s a--note on my
chest...in the bathtub...with lipstick...why, what would...yes, there’s ice in the tub ...I’m fine,
there’s nothing-Frank feels the small of his back.
...A small cut right around--two small cuts on either side. Jesus...About a quarter way up my
back...I am, I’m back in the tub. I’m submerged. Yes...I’m not sure, it’s Hell’s Kitchen, it’s-He scrambles for the napkin with Lucy’s address.
It’s 369 West 54th, #9--N-I-N-E...Thank you...I don’t think so...The door is--open. Yes, please
do.
He hangs up the phone.
Please.
Three
How Frank Explains What
Happened to His Soon-To-Be
Ex-Wife
Continuous action as Two Set Wranglers/MEDICAL ATTENDANTS rush FRANK to a
hospital room and hook him up to a dialysis machine. But
first they administer some gas.
FRANK
(To Audience.)
This isn’t some party joke or urban myth. It happened. To me. I’ve got the scars to prove it.
MEDICAL ATTENDANT 1
Just relax, try not to move sir.
FRANK
(To Audience.)
Look at my medical records. This is documented.
MEDICAL ATTENDANT 2
Try not to move sir.
FRANK
(To Audience as he succumbs to
the gas.)
Just ask my wife.
FRANK is asleep. His wife, PAMELA, sits beside Frank’s bed with
a small, gift-wrapped box. The Gargoyle--slightly larger than before-rests at the foot of Frank’s bed.
PAMELA
...Frank.
FRANK
...Mmn.
PAMELA
Frank, wake up. I have something for you...It’s several things, actually...it’s very special.
FRANK
Mmn.
PAMELA
...Aren’t you going to open it?
FRANK
Mm-hmn-PAMELA
Frank, I’ve decided to give you one of my kidneys.
FRANK
Honey--my god, Jesus.
PAMELA
It wasn’t an easy decision.
FRANK
No. Of course. My god.
PAMELA
The doctors say I’ll need a week to prep. The sooner the better, that’s what they said.
FRANK
That’s good, yeah, you’ll need the time.
PAMELA
Don’t say I never gave you anything.
FRANK
Well a kidney, I’d have to say that’s a-that’s a high priority. That’s-PAMELA
Do you want me to open the box?
FRANK
Please.
PAMELA
...Expensive paper. Your favorite color.
FRANK
Nice.
PAMELA
First we have, let’s see. The title to the Volvo. Transferred to your name and sole possession.
FRANK
Sole--what?
PAMELA
I want you to have it.
FRANK
You bought that car.
PAMELA
Dad bought that car.
FRANK
It’s your car. Besides, who cares whose name it’s-PAMELA
I want you to have it. Here are the keys. It’s yours.
FRANK
But-PAMELA
Gift Number Two. $10,000. In cash. Mostly hundreds.
FRANK
Ten thousand. I don’t-PAMELA
My insurance will pay for the transplant and everything else. You won’t owe them a dime.
FRANK
Great, I just-PAMELA
(Pulls out a letter.)
Bet you never thought you’d get one of these.
FRANK
One of-PAMELA
It’s forwarded from work. And by the way somebody called to let you know they found another
File Boy. They won’t be needing your services any more.
FRANK
No. ‘Cause they said-PAMELA
The temp has been there four months. You know how it is when you’re away.
FRANK
But they told me-PAMELA
Call them. But you know, I guess they found a better Filer.
FRANK
Is that what the letter’s-PAMELA
No, it’s just forwarded. I took the liberty of reading it. Hope you don’t mind.
FRANK
Who’s is from?
PAMELA
A Ms. Lucy Glenmorangie.
FRANK
Oh.
PAMELA
Isn’t that a brand of--
FRANK
I think I better-PAMELA
(Opens the letter.)
Maybe it’s better if I read it. Don’t you think? Save your strength? (From the letter:)
“Dear Sweet Frank.”
FRANK
Don’t.
PAMELA
Shall I paraphrase?
FRANK
The woman’s a pathological liar. I barely know her.
PAMELA
She says she was kidnapped. She says she hopes you’re okay and-FRANK
There, you see. Right there. You actually believe that?
PAMELA
She says that thing you do with your hands, that bit with the circles getting smaller and smaller?
She says that’s incredibly boring. But she likes the way you kiss.
FRANK
That was from a conversation. I spent ten minutes with her. In public. In a bar.
PAMELA
She wants you to send $10,000.
FRANK
Right. And why do you suppose--
PAMELA
She’s pregnant. She’s going to have a little boy. Franklin Junior.
FRANK
That’s--impossible.
PAMELA
You have the car keys, title, money. Your lover’s note and address. In Surlaw-FRANK
Sur-PAMELA
New Mexico.
FRANK
Pamela.
PAMELA
It’s probably better if you stay there. You’ll find most of your possessions in the trunk of the
Volvo. I’m keeping everything else.
FRANK
Why can’t I-PAMELA
You’re never stepping so much as a filthy toenail in my apartment. I’ll get a court order if I
have to.
FRANK
That’s not your apartment; it’s our apartment. In fact it was my apartment before we even-PAMELA
Fine. Then you’re not interested. Let’s see, I’ll just take those car keys, the cash, my kidney
and I guess you won’t mind if I cancel my insurance. You can keep the letter.
FRANK
You’re willing to trade a vital organ for a rent control apartment.
PAMELA
You look at it, you rationalize it, any way you want to.
FRANK
One little-PAMELA
Little?
FRANK
Well not little, but one mistake. Once. Pamela, please.
He holds out his hand. She takes it.
PAMELA
You’ll have me, Frank. You’ll have a little piece, a little vital, life-sustaining piece of me inside
you. What more do you expect?
FRANK
Is that a rhetorical question?
PAMELA
Goodbye, Frank.
FRANK
No-no Pam wait, please, we can’t just end our lives together in one conversation. Can we just,
can we slow it down, can I just, would you give me a little time to explain?
PAMELA
Oh yes, please. I would like to hear your explanation. Actually, I’d like to know which
of the many doctrines and religious philosophies you’ve mastered that allows you to
rationalize--this.
She shoves the letter to FRANK’S chest.
FRANK
....
PAMELA
Then don’t even try. Just take your clean slate and go.
FRANK
But I don’t-PAMELA
You’re free, Frank. I hope you get what you’re looking for.
She kisses his hand...removes her wedding band and places it on
FRANK’S pinky.
FRANK
And you’re actually going to believe her. That letter, that--letter.
PAMELA
Look right at me and tell me it’s a lie. That you didn’t fuck her.
FRANK looks her in the eye. A moment.
PAMELA
The parking spot is paid for until the end of the month. After then it’s yours to maintain. And
by the way, they just raised it to $225.
FRANK
And just how am I supposed to pay for that.
PAMELA
I don’t know, Frank. Maybe you’ll just have to leave town.
FRANK
Look at me, look right at me and say that’s what you want. You really want me to go.
PAMELA looks directly into FRANK’S eyes. Her gaze is certain,
unblinking, steady as a gargoyle.
Four
What Happens to Frank
When He Drives the Volvo
to New Mexico
The MEDICAL ATTENDANTS/Set Wranglers disconnect the dialysis
machine and move FRANK to the driver’s seat of his Volvo.
FRANK
(To Audience.)
And that’s what it took to get me out of New York, which, you could argue, was for the best. I
think it was. Even so, it was becoming increasingly apparent that--how can I say this--things
were not going my way. And that’s probably not a good time to pick up a hitchhiker.
FRANK is driving the Volvo somewhere in New Mexico. Actually,
he’s lost and the chunky hitchhiker on the passenger side doesn’t
appear to be having much luck with the map or the dying flashlight
he’s using to read. We can’t see SINCLAIR’s face behind the map.
The Gargoyle--slightly larger than before--sits between the two men.
FRANK
Any luck?
SINCLAIR
It would help if I knew the name of the road. Or where we came from. Or what direction
we’re heading. I think the flashlight’s dying.
FRANK
Great.
SINCLAIR
(Puts down the map.)
You got any dope?
FRANK
If I did don’t you think I’d be smoking it about now?
SINCLAIR
Unless you just had a little bit and you’re not particularly generous.
FRANK
No.
SINCLAIR
No you’re not particularly generous?
FRANK
Just forget it, okay?
SINCLAIR
...If I had any dope I’d be sharing it.
FRANK
I DON’T HAVE ANY DOPE.
SINCLAIR
Okay, yeah. Jeeze.
A moment.
SINCLAIR
I had some but the Aliens took it.
A moment.
FRANK
You mean like, illegal aliens?
SINCLAIR
No, I mean like--beega-beeba little white-headed, stubby little dope-stealing Aliens. And no, I
wasn’t smoking when I saw ‘em, yes they really went “beega-beeba” or maybe it was something
inside their ship, which I was on for--what day is it?
FRANK
The 9th.
SINCLAIR
Of?...Of?!
FRANK
...September.
SINCLAIR
September 9th.
FRANK
Yeah.
SINCLAIR
Then it was only two weeks. Wow.
FRANK
Yeah. “Wow.”
SINCLAIR
It’s not like I asked ‘em to go. This was not a voluntary act.
FRANK
Mm-hmn.
SINCLAIR
But I was, you know, out there somewhere. I don’t know where. This chick took me out to
this place where I thought we were going to do the deed.
FRANK
Do the-SINCLAIR
Except she stole my car. Took me out there and ditched me.
FRANK
Bummer.
SINCLAIR
Yeah. Nice car, too. Beemer. Watch out for those-FRANK & SINCLAIR
(Feel a bump, grab their respective
lower backs, and wince.)
Ufffff.
FRANK
Rabbits?
SINCLAIR
I think so. Kinda big. Jeeze. You want me to drive?
FRANK
Thanks but-SINCLAIR
I can drive if you’re tired.
FRANK
I’m okay. Thanks.
A moment.
FRANK
So--ah--where you headed?
SINCLAIR
Tenafly.
FRANK
Tenafly. Jersey?
SINCLAIR
I saw your plates.
FRANK
Well, yeah, but I’m coming from New York.
SINCLAIR
You’re not going back?...I said-FRANK
I don’t know. I don’t think so.
SINCLAIR
You keep your apartment?
FRANK
Kind of a sore subject.
SINCLAIR
Where were you?
FRANK
Upper West Side.
SINCLAIR
Nice?
FRANK
Yeah.
SINCLAIR
Rent control?
FRANK
$350 a month. Three bedroom.
SINCLAIR
Shit.
FRANK
Yeah. Well.
SINCLAIR
I’ll sublease it for Nine.
FRANK
I’ll bet you would. But my ex got it. I’m out.
A moment.
SINCLAIR
Jeeze.
FRANK
Yeah.
SINCLAIR
There’s just no way I’d-FRANK
Well that’s what I thought, but it didn’t work out that way, I’m not going back, and maybe it’s
just going to take more than one ride to get you home.
SINCLAIR
I guess.
A moment.
SINCLAIR
So, ah--where you going?
FRANK
Surlaw. You see it on the map there?
SINCLAIR
I’m looking.
FRANK
Pink highlighter.
SINCLAIR
Right.
FRANK
Any idea where-SINCLAIR
You know that’s the thing about spending a couple weeks in another dimension. You sort of
lose your bearings.
FRANK
Yeah, look-SINCLAIR
(Puts down the map. Notices the
Gargoyle.)
What the hell is that.
FRANK
A gargoyle.
SINCLAIR
So that’s like, some kinda good luck charm?
FRANK laughs.
SINCLAIR
What?
FRANK
Nothing.
SINCLAIR
What’s so funny?
FRANK
Nothing. It’s not even mine. Can we just concentrate on the map?
SINCLAIR
Kinda Weird you ask me.
FRANK
(Laughs.)
Kinda Weird”?
SINCLAIR
Oh, okay. I’m glad I amuse you.
FRANK
(Laughing.)
Sorry, it’s not-SINCLAIR
You know, if I picked up a guy said he’d just spent two weeks in another dimension, I might be
curious; I might ask a few discerning questions regarding the circumstances, the language, the
Egyptian-like hieroglyphics, the curiously advanced flying objects darting over a supposedly
non-existent government complex that’s not on your freakin’ map; What did they look like?
Was he sexually assaulted? Did they ask probing questions? Did this individual stare into the
eyes of God?
FRANK
Did the aliens take your money?
SINCLAIR
No.
FRANK
Well that’s fortunate.
SINCLAIR
The chick took it with the Beemer. I don’t like to have my wallet in my pants when I’m doing
the--
FRANK
Yeah, that’s fine. You know the thing is I was hoping you might want to kick in for gas or
maybe know the way to Surlaw. Smoking dope and listening to Alien Abduction Stories was
not on my agenda.
SINCLAIR
So you don’t believe me. So you’re just going to dump me off in the middle of nowhere.
FRANK
I’m asking you to shut up.
A moment.
SINCLAIR
You’ve never smoked in your life.
FRANK
No, I haven’t.
SINCLAIR
I don’t have a dime on me.
FRANK
Neither do I and that’s okay. We’ll find someone who does.
A moment. The two men look at one another. They look back to the
road. A moment.
SINCLAIR
You can let me out up here.
FRANK
Up where? There’s nothing there.
SINCLAIR
Yeah, just the same.
FRANK
Hey, forget it. Sorry I laughed.
SINCLAIR
I doubt it.
FRANK
You’re not going to find that woman--or your car--or your wallet--There.
SINCLAIR
Let me out, man.
FRANK
If that’s what you want.
SINCLAIR
Yeah.
FRANK
And you’re not scared of the Aliens.
SINCLAIR
Ha Ha Ha.
FRANK
Seriously.
SINCLAIR
I’ll take my chances.
FRANK
(Slowing down.)
...“Beega-beeba.”
SINCLAIR
(Folding the map.)
Say what you want. Anything’s better than riding with you. Here’s your mama’s road map.
FRANK
(Stopping the car.)
Thanks...hey?
SINCLAIR
Yeah.
FRANK
I do have a question.
SINCLAIR
Sure you do.
FRANK
Did you stare into the eyes of God?
SINCLAIR
...Yes.
FRANK
And what did you see?
...SINCLAIR punches FRANK in the head...SINCLAIR grabs the map
and flashlight and moves to go. He hesitates, tries to remove Frank’s
rings but they won’t come off.
FRANK screams as SINCLAIR manhandles those ring fingers...at long
last (more bending and screaming) the rings come off. SINCLAIR
places them on his own fingers.
SINCLAIR grabs the Gargoyle, looks at it closely, then decides to
return it to its resting place.
Five
Frank Finds and Loses
His One True Love
FRANK
So. I don’t know if that was necessarily all for the best. I guess so, I just--my head was
hurting; I just couldn’t think about it. (His hand:) Oww.
Cross-fade to a small two-room motel unit in Surlaw, New Mexico.
Small, walkie-talkie-size baby monitors in both rooms. We hear
highway sounds and the occasional truck.
FRANK
And you’re just going to have to believe me when I say I had no intention of giving her a dime.
I had my speech ready.
Night. LUCY holds a crying baby swaddled in a large motel towel.
FRANK
(Sets down the Gargoyle.)
I was going to go into that motel; I was-I was fuming. And then I heard that little voice.
He holds the baby and sings:
“Close your eyes
Have no fear
The monster's gone
He's on the run and your daddy’s here”
The baby stops crying.
“Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful boy.
Beautiful, beautiful, Franklin,
Beautiful”-LUCY
Actually, I went with a different name.
FRANK
Oh. I thought--
LUCY
It’s Jules. Short for Julia.
FRANK
He’s--a girl?
LUCY
I thought if I told you she was a girl you wouldn’t come.
FRANK
No, but. I mean, either way, it doesn’t matter. You beautiful little--Julia. Julia Jewel.
“Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful”-LUCY
It hasn’t been easy.
FRANK
No, I imagine not.
LUCY
She breastfeeds every two hours. I haven’t slept in--I can’t remember the last time I slept.
Real sleep.
FRANK
You must be exhausted.
LUCY
Plus it’s noisy here. If it’s not the baby it’s the trucks.
FRANK
How did you wind up-LUCY
Did you bring the money?
FRANK
If you think you’re getting so much as a-LUCY
Where is it?
FRANK
It’s in the car.
A moment.
LUCY
Is it on you?
FRANK
It’s a moot point. It’s-LUCY
Is it on you?
FRANK
It’s in the car. But it doesn’t matter. It’s mine; it’s my money.
LUCY
Then you’re not going to take any responsibility? You’re basically, you’re going to abandon
this little girl?
FRANK
Well I understand that but-LUCY
(Turns the Gargoyle upside-down-removes a duct-taped envelope.)
This doesn’t feel like ten grand.
FRANK
No, I-LUCY
I asked for ten grand.
FRANK
I didn’t have a dime when I got out of the hospital, so I-LUCY
How much is here?
FRANK
Sixty-five hundred. And change.
A moment.
LUCY
Who gave you the black eye?
FRANK
Don’t worry about it--
LUCY
I’m not worried about it, I’m trying to find out how-FRANK
You know maybe I just have a couple questions I’d like to have-LUCY
Did someone take my money?
FRANK
It’s my money. And that’s every dime I have...except for nine dollars in my pocket. That’s it.
A moment.
LUCY
You’re very bad at lying.
FRANK
That’s true.
LUCY
That’s why I know you have nine dollars.
FRANK
Thank you.
BABY
Daedsi-laup da-edsi-laup.
FRANK
What was that?
LUCY
I think she’s trying to say Daddy.
FRANK
Daddy’s here! Daddy’s here!
BABY
Daedsi-laup da-edsi-laup.
FRANK
Dad is up! Yes I am! Yes I am!
LUCY
Did you see the way she looks at her hand?
FRANK
Oh...Julia.
LUCY
Like it’s the most amazing thing in the world?
FRANK
(Baby talk:)
...Yes it is. Yes that is an amazing, the most amazing thing in the world! That Is Amazing!
It’s a Miracle! That is a Miracle!
LUCY
She’ll do that for hours.
FRANK
(Laughs.)
And why not?! That’s an amazing thing! It’s a little miracle!
BABY
oop-oop-oop.
LUCY
She needs a diaper change.
FRANK
Oh. I could-BABY
Goo goo g’joob.
LUCY
You’ve never changed a-BABY
Goo goo g’joob.
LUCY
Diaper in your life.
FRANK
I could learn.
LUCY
Sit down. I’ll just be a minute.
FRANK
We need to talk.
BABY
Oop-oop-oop.
LUCY
I’ll just be a minute. Sit down. Relax.
FRANK
...I don’t want to let her go.
...LUCY kisses FRANK (steals his keys from his jacket)
LUCY
“Stinky.”
...He gives her the baby.
LUCY
(As she exits.)
There’s some animal beer in the fridge.
FRANK
Thank you.
She carries the baby to the other room. FRANK sits down. He can
hear her humming over the baby monitor.
...He picks up the monitor:
FRANK
Breaker-breaker, this is the rubber duck, good buddy, gonna put the hammer down, 10-4...These
are nice.
LUCY uses the baby monitor when she speaks to FRANK.
LUCY
(Packing her bag.)
I like to hear her breathing.
FRANK
Oh. Of course.
LUCY
You’re welcome to stay. There’s no rush.
FRANK
You know, I was just thinking...(Big euphoric laugh.) What a ride. (Laughs.) And
the thing is, I mean if you asked me if I’d go through all this again, I mean, you know,
Everything, go through it all just to hold that little girl. I’d say yes. It’s been worth it.
LUCY picks up the baby.
That’s--a highlight of my life. The highlight. Julia. You know. I guess it was just meant to
be.
LUCY turns on a small tape recorder and picks up a travel bag.
The recorder plays a tape which is broadcast over the monitor:
TAPE
(LUCY’s voice over a few baby cries:)
Shhh. Shhh. Jules. My little Jules. Shhhh. (She sings:)
“The Itsy Bitsy Spider
Went up the water spout
Down came the rain and
Washed the Spider out”
LUCY slips out the bathroom window with Julia and the travel gear.
The tape continues:
“Then out came the sun
And dried up all the rain
And the Itsy Bitsy Spider
Is coming out again”
FRANK smiles and uses the correct hand motions.
TAPE
“Oh the Itsy Bitsy Spider
Went up the water spout
Down came the rain and
Washed the Spider out
Then out came the sun
The tape continues:
And dried up all the rain
And the Itsy Bitsy Spider
Is coming out again”
He looks at his good hand...laughs...holds it up and moves his fingers.
Examines his moving hand as if it’s the most amazing thing in the world.
As the song on the tape continues, FRANK hears the sound of a car
starting--and squealing tires.
He moves that miraculous hand to his jacket and realizes the keys to
the Volvo are no longer there.
Six
How Frank Fails to Solve The King’s Riddle
but Receives Sound Guidance Anyway
As the recording of LUCY’s Voice fades, we hear a different tune sung
by JOHN BURROWS. FRANK finds himself alone at the side of a road
with the Gargoyle, who’s even larger now.
Headlights cross the stage with the sound of a passing car. FRANK
sticks out his hitcher’s thumb.
THE SONG - VO
“Look down to me
A beast in a show”
Another car passes. FRANK looks at the Gargoyle--and now steps
in front of it in a feeble attempt to hide his traveling companion.
THE SONG - VO
“Don’t know who I am
Or where I go”
If possible, a small isolated rain shower dumps on FRANK’s head.
“My language beaten
To one name”
Fade up on JOHN BURROWS, owner and sole proprietor of Kar King
Autos. Books scattered on his desk; a personalized license
plate proudly displays: “3M TA3.”
This is Incognito Elvis. No high collars or sunglasses. His weight and
hairdo are inconsequential. His eyes are closed, hands in prayer position
over a small mountain of Big Macs. FRANK turns to the God-like Voice:
JOHN
“I am in love
That is my shame”
FRANK steps into the office.
JOHN
“What hurts the soul
My soul adores
Just like a beast
Upon all fours.”
FRANK
Pre-Owned
That’s my Volvo in your-JOHN holds up a hand for silence. His eyes remain closed.
JOHN
“Just like a beast
Upon all fours”
JOHN opens his eyes and unwraps a burger.
That was kind of like a prayer’s the reason I didn’t stop. Didn’t mean to be rude. I was kind of
hoping--I thought maybe you might want to sing it with me.
FRANK
I don’t know the words.
JOHN
Well. There you go. You have to know the words.
FRANK
That’s my Volvo parked in your lot.
JOHN
You’re sure about that.
FRANK
Well the mileage is different, yeah, and somebody swapped the plates. But. There’s that spot
on the bumper that used to have an “I luv New York” sticker?
JOHN
Where it used to be?
FRANK
I’ll tell you what, why don’t we go open the trunk and if there’s a copy of The Genealogy of
Morals jammed under the-JOHN
What are you saying here?
FRANK
The jack was rattling. I-JOHN
You’re saying I stole your car?
FRANK
I didn’t say that.
JOHN
‘Cause that’s not what I’m about. You ask anyone-FRANK
I’m not accusing you of-JOHN
Buddy I got a lot of cars out there.
FRANK
Nobody said-JOHN
Stack ‘em Deep and-JOHN & FRANK
“Sell ‘em Cheap.”
FRANK
I saw the sign.
JOHN
I don’t remember every little transaction.
FRANK
How ‘bout you just look up the paperwork, okay? See who signed the title.
JOHN
(Pokes through his desk or an
old file cabinet.)
Okay, yeah; I can do that. It’s in here. Someplace.
FRANK
Uh-huh. Pace Yourself. (To the Audience.) I don’t mean to be so critical. Actually, to
be fair. My mind was back in that motel room, at that perfect moment when I was holding Julia,
watching her smile and hand. And then it dawned on me I had no idea where she was, where
she was going. (To JOHN) I just met my baby daughter and I don’t know if I’ll ever see her
again.
JOHN
(...Flips out a stack of photos in a
folding wallet-size album.)
Haven’t seen my little girl in five years.
FRANK
Beautiful.
JOHN
Lisa Marie.
FRANK
Mmm.
JOHN grabs a burger and tosses it to FRANK.
JOHN
Hungry?
FRANK
Thanks.
JOHN unwraps a burger for himself and continues the paper search.
JOHN
Let’s see, what year was-FRANK
‘78 244. New York plates.
JOHN
That’s not my favorite place.
FRANK
No.
JOHN
And I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been there.
FRANK
Is that right.
JOHN
Let me tell you the difference between New York and a big bucket of crap.
FRANK & JOHN
The bucket.
JOHN
Uh-huh.
FRANK
(First bite.)
Any luck?
JOHN
I’m looking.
A moment. FRANK looks at the burger. Subtly spits out whatever’s
in his mouth.
FRANK
So what’s “3M - TA3”?
JOHN
My plates?
FRANK
Yeah.
JOHN
That’s my personalized plates.
Right. “3M - TA3”:
FRANK
So that’s like Three M’s-JOHN
What?
FRANK
Mother, Mississippi--I don’t get it.
JOHN
You will.
FRANK
I’m usually pretty good at this. I’m kind of a word guy.
JOHN
I can tell.
A moment.
FRANK
One hint.
JOHN
Nope.
FRANK
Three EmpTy-JOHN
You’re just not looking at it right.
FRANK
Three--Ma, Ma-JOHN
You been out there a long time?
FRANK
It’s not easy hitching with a gargoyle.
JOHN
I’ll bet.
FRANK
Everyone thinks he’s some sort of dog.
JOHN
I know what he is.
FRANK
It’s a gargoyle. And we’re not talking about some little garden gnome or something.
JOHN
Uh-huh.
FRANK
This is the real thing.
JOHN
(Presents a file.)
Here we go. I’ve got a clear title from a Ms. Kathleen Sera Sera. Signed and certified.
FRANK
Let me see that.
JOHN
Nothin’ either one of us can-FRANK
(Grabs the paperwork.)
Look, she stole my car, all right? She stole it. So whatever you gave her I’m--$3,000?! You
gave her $3,000?!
JOHN
I’ll be lucky to get four.
FRANK
You’re selling it for six.
JOHN
That’s “asking price.”
FRANK
Okay, then three. That’s what I’m gonna-I’m gonna find her-JOHN
You’re not gonna find her.
FRANK
Kathleen Sera Sera.
JOHN
But I’ll tell you what.
FRANK
Ms. Kathleen Sera.
JOHN
Seeing as you’re in something of a fix.
FRANK
Miz-Kath, Miz-K.
JOHN
I’m willing to work a deal.
FRANK
Miz K. Sera.
JOHN
Say three grand and we call it even.
FRANK
Que Sera Sera.
JOHN
“Whatever will be will be.”
FRANK.
I’m here for a reason. Everything’s going to work out. Everything turns out for the best.
JOHN
You all right, Bud?
FRANK
I’m not saying I understand why everything happens the moment it happens.
JOHN
Oh-Kay.
FRANK
But sooner or later you see everything has a way of-JOHN
(Laughs.)
Working out for the best?
FRANK
What.
JOHN
You don’t hear that much around here.
FRANK
Yeah?
JOHN
You tend to hear that more from people who already have it all. Like they deserve it or
something.
FRANK
And I suppose you think I have it all?
JOHN
You look like you just lost it. All.
FRANK
Fine. How’d she leave?
JOHN
What.
FRANK
Presumably she didn’t walk. Did you sell her something? Did she have a ride?
JOHN
...I’ll look.
He returns to the mess of files.
FRANK
God-Dammit.
JOHN
(Sings.)
...What hurts the soul
My soul adores
Just like a beast
Upon-FRANK
You know that song’s great but it’s kinda giving me a headache right now?
JOHN
It’s a little too much for you.
FRANK
It’s been a big day.
JOHN
I think you strained yourself thinking about that license plate.
FRANK
Yeah, so okay, “Three Empty”-JOHN
You’re so far off it’s just--sad.
FRANK
And you’re just not going to give me a hint.
JOHN
I’m sure you’ll get it on your own. Someday. Probably “just how it’s meant to be.”
FRANK
Yeah, screw you.
JOHN
You want to mess with me?
FRANK
I’m sorry. I didn’t-JOHN
You think I’m some kinda cretin?
FRANK
It’s been a-JOHN
You think I don’t read-FRANK
Long day-JOHN
I don’t think?
FRANK
I’m sorry!
JOHN
So tell me smart guy. If everything that happens is meant to be-FRANK
I said-JOHN
There’s a reason, a good reason for everything.
FRANK
Okay.
JOHN
You tell me why I’ve gotta live without my little girl. How that pain. How that’s best for her
or me or anybody. You tell me that and I’ll give you a car. I’ll give you any car on the lot.
FRANK
...I don’t know. Maybe. You’ll figure it out later.
A moment.
JOHN
Your lady friend didn’t buy another car. You don’t believe me you can look through all this shit
yourself.
FRANK
Sorry I kind of lost it.
JOHN
No, now-FRANK
Sorry.
JOHN
Stop apologizing. Sometimes you gotta tell the world where to stuff it.
FRANK
Be that as it may-JOHN
I’ve been there, Buddy. I know.
FRANK
It’s the worst.
JOHN
No it’s not.
FRANK
Well it’s pretty friggin’ bad.
JOHN
Buddy, I’ll tell you what’s worse. That’s when you have a love, and it’s right; you find it and
then you lose it ‘cause you got distracted by shit.
FRANK
That’s worse.
JOHN
Oh yeah, believe me.
FRANK
(He looks at his hand--the Julia
movement.)
Mmm.
JOHN
I’ll tell you what Bud. If you’ve got that One in your life, I suggest you go get her. That shit
doesn’t come around every day.
FRANK
Honestly?
JOHN
What.
FRANK
I have no idea where to find her.
JOHN
Then you better do the next best thing.
FRANK
What’s that?
JOHN
Go where she can find you.
A moment.
FRANK
You know you look really--familiar.
JOHN
(Coolly slips on his signature shades.)
Uh-huh.
FRANK
Ohmygod.
JOHN
Thank you very much.
Seven
How Frank Returns to New York
& Battles with His Old Mentor, Dr. Pangloss
Cross-fade to the bath tub. Frank’s psychiatrist, PANGLOSS, sits on
a nearby toilet. FRANK begins his monologue before he stretches
out, fully clothed, in the tub for his counseling session. PANGLOSS is
taking notes.
FRANK
(To the Audience.)
I think it was Yogi Berra who said be careful about not knowing where you’re going--you just
might get there. (PANGLOSS chuckles.) Ol’ “Thank you very much” was right: if I was
going to have any chance of seeing my daughter, I had to go back to New York. So. I went
back and waited and spent two miserable years hoping for some sign of my little girl. And then
it happened.
PANGLOSS
These things have a way of working out for the best.
FRANK
See that’s what I need. That sort of calm encouragement. I was overwhelmed.
PANGLOSS
(Motions to the tub.)
Please.
FRANK
I turned to my old mentor, Dr. Pangloss, who was my counselor in college. “Counselor” as
in--psychiatrist.
PANGLOSS
(Looks up for a moment, directs a warm
smile to FRANK.)
When you’re ready.
FRANK
(Stretches out in the tub.)
Dr. Pangloss believed in what he called “on-site” exploration. The idea was to go back to an
actual space in which a troublesome event had occurred, i.e., The Tub.
PANGLOSS
Shall we?
FRANK
(Once last aside to the Audience.)
And even though he was my mentor, really a-a guiding force in my life. I’ll confess I was
beginning to have doubts.
PANGLOSS
(Starts an actual meter--very much
like something out of a taxicab.)
We were talking about Julia.
FRANK
Right.
PANGLOSS
She’s still with you?
FRANK
She is. And I have no idea how much longer she’s--(laughs)--She’s really something. It’s like,
you know, she’s Two. She’s Two. It’s like living with an insane midget. A very charming,
extraordinary--
PANGLOSS
(Writing in the notebook.)
Insane-FRANK
She’s a genius. And I know all dads say that but--in this case. There’s just a different spirit in
this kid. The first time I held her; I knew it the first time I held her.
PANGLOSS
Describe that, please.
FRANK
Well. You’d hold her and...she looked right at you. Really looked at you. And I’ve seen a lot
of babies since but they just, you know, they look off, they drool. Julia’s looking at
the world. And now, of course, you know. (Laughs.) She sees a bug or something. “A
Bug!” And that’s it, you know: “A Bug!” All her focus, her attention. That’s her life at that
moment: “A Bug!” And when I hold her and I’m--looking with her. Looking at that Bug.
How can I do anything but share that joy. A Bug! A Bird! A Pwane!
PANGLOSS
A what?
FRANK
An air-PANGLOSS
(Writing.)
Pwane. And that’s Overwhelming.
FRANK
That’s--the best. What’s overwhelming is the fact that Lucy, at some point, probably soon.
She’s coming back for her, she’s going to take her and you know, Lord knows what. This is a
woman who probably, well, what’s a nice way to say it-PANGLOSS
Stole your kidneys?
FRANK
Yeah, that’s who going to be responsible for Julia. And there’s really nothing I can--I mean the
fact that this woman will be taking Julia, that I’ll be separated, that Julia will be in the “care” of a
basically--evil-PANGLOSS
Kidney stealer-FRANK
Kidney stealer. How is that meant to be? How is that good for anybody? If that’s happening
for a reason, then what. What is the reason?
A moment. FRANK looks at the running meter.
PANGLOSS
Hmm.
FRANK
Yeah, that’s right. “Hmm.” (To the Audience.) “Hmm.”
PANGLOSS
A man plants a handful of seeds.
FRANK
Okay.
PANGLOSS
The soil’s good, the sunlight is perfect, a warm rain showers down for an hour or two.
FRANK
All right.
PANGLOSS
And so the next day the man returns thinking he will harvest a bountiful crop. Of course he’s
Bitterly Disappointed to find-FRANK
No garden.
PANGLOSS
Ahhh.
FRANK
...I’ve been giving this some time.
PANGLOSS
If you were to imagine your situation in the context of-FRANK
A Bigger Picture. Right. Okay. I made One Mistake.
PANGLOSS
(Writing.)
“One. Mistake.”
FRANK
Okay, maybe more than one, but only one really Big One, but does that justify what’s happened?
I mean my luck isn’t bad, it isn’t even atrocious--it’s, it’s like. These things that happen,
they’re-they’re-they’re--Infamous. I’m that friend of a friend that everyone talks about.
PANGLOSS
(Writing.)
Friend of a friend.
FRANK
That story about the guy who got worms in his Big Mac? That was me. And I hear that story,
you know, all the time. So what is that, you know, it’s more than punishment, it’s punishment
with ongoing humiliation. It’s all so-PANGLOSS
Public.
FRANK
Exactly. And it’s just--if this is supposed to be punishment (To the moon and stars:) It’s
Working! ‘Cause I’ve got to tell you--I’m feeling like it’s everywhere I go.
The Gargoyle surfaces in the bathtub. It’s much larger than before.
PANGLOSS
Are you aware you have an alligator in-FRANK
It’s a gargoyle; it did not come up from the sewer.
PANGLOSS
I’m sorry. You were saying.
FRANK
I was saying it feels like I’m the butt of some horrible cosmic joke. Which is contrary to
everything we’ve ever talked about: It’s all for the best, Everything happens for a reason.
That’s not working for me now. I’m struggling with that. So please, I’m having a little
struggle seeing the positive side in all this. Right now. Specifically with what’s going to
happen. With Julia.
PANGLOSS softly chuckles.
PANGLOSS
I’m sorry.
FRANK
My therapist is laughing at me.
PANGLOSS
No, you were just. Describing-FRANK
What.
PANGLOSS
Job. You sounded like Job.
FRANK
Talking to God.
PANGLOSS
Yes!
FRANK
‘Cause I’m feeling more like Neitzche. Right about the time he saw the guy beating the horse.
PANGLOSS
(Writing.)
Beating a-FRANK
So where do horse-beaters and-and spina bifida and-PANGLOSS
Earthquakes.
FRANK
Earthquakes. Where do they fit into “everything happens for a reason.” Does that horse with
spina bifida deserve to-PANGLOSS
(Amused.)
Get beat up in an earthquake. I’m sorry.
FRANK
My therapist is laughing at me.
PANGLOSS
No. Please.
A moment.
PANGLOSS
If life is arbitrary. If the pain in the world, and of course there is pain, if it’s meaningless.
Would you, would anyone have the tools to function?
FRANK
If we witnessed meaningless pain on a daily basis we would explode?
PANGLOSS
True or not, isn’t our notion-FRANK
Everything happens for a reason.
PANGLOSS
Isn’t it a better way, or should I say, a necessity, to live?
FRANK
Great. Okay. Fine. And the Easter Bunny’s gonna deliver gumdrops with Santa. And you
don’t, I mean none of us have to Take Responsibility for Anything, cause you know, “It all-FRANK & PANGLOSS
“happens for a reason.”
FRANK
It’s a FUCKING COP-OUT ... is what it is. And. And half the people, most the people
I know, I mean, Jeeze, piano falls out of the sky and crushes your mother. Breaks every bone in
her body and-and as she’s writhing there in pain, her last moment of tortured-- hell. I’m
supposed to be like, you know: “La-la-la-la-laaa! It’s all good! There’s a reason for
everything!” Right? Isn’t that right?
PANGLOSS
(Writing.)
... “Fucking Cop-Out ... La-la-la--”
FRANK
Isn’t that right?
A moment.
PANGLOSS
...If what’s meant to be isn’t meant to be.
FRANK
Mm-hmn.
PANGLOSS
Then why, do you suppose-FRANK
Yes.
PANGLOSS
(Stops writing, looks at FRANK.)
Julia is with you now.
A moment.
FRANK
I know, I know why she’s here. Her mother is weaning her. I’m the Weaning Guy. Mr.
Sleepless. And when she figure’s that nightmare’s over, Lucy’s going to slip in, just like she
did when she dropped her off. She’s going take her away and I won’t have to wash those hands
or check her 10 times a night just to make sure she’s breathing or have any of those daily
reminders of being a Dad. Of being someone who matters. And I have absolutely no idea
when she’ll be back, when she’ll be a part of my life and there’s absolutely nothing I can do
about it. I’ll probably see her in, you know, I’m going to see Julia as soon as she has her first
big fight with Lucy and then she’s going to drop her off, let her cool down and nothing, not a
single thing that happens between the moment she leaves and the moment my daughter comes
back. Nothing that happens between those times will be half as memorable or important and I
just wish--it didn’t have to be that way.
JULIA enters. She’s now a young girl--perhaps a teenager. PANGLOSS
remains seated and continues taking notes. The meter is still running.
FRANK reads a magazine. JULIA stands there with a piece of paper.
JULIA
...Daddy.
FRANK
Yes.
JULIA
I love you.
FRANK
Mm-hmn. And I love you...What are we asking for, darling?
JULIA
Nothing.
FRANK
Mm-hmn...What’s that in your hand there?
JULIA
A poem.
FRANK
Your poem?
JULIA
Yes. Would you like to hear it?
FRANK
Of course. And you’re sure you’re not asking for anything.
LILY
Not exactly.
FRANK
Uh-huh. And what’s your poem about. What was the inspiration?
JULIA
When I was visiting Mom’s cousin’s friend’s daughter on 72nd yesterday-FRANK
Yes.
JULIA
I was watching her with her dog, Fanny, who’s just, you know, kind of a mutt, but really sweet
and beautiful in the way she loves everyone in the family.
FRANK
You wrote a dog poem?
JULIA
I tried to imagine if Fanny belonged to me and what that would be like. She’s just so happy to
be alive.
FRANK
...Can I see?
JULIA
No, I want to read it to you.
FRANK
I can read.
JULIA
You might not get it right.
FRANK laughs.
JULIA
When you read it sounds like old Dylan records--”Wah-wah-wah-wah”-FRANK
That’s the way you’re supposed to-JULIA
It’s boring. You can’t read this poem like that.
PANGLOSS chuckles. FRANK gives him a withering look. The
meter is still running.
FRANK
...Is your mother’s cousin’s friend’s daughter’s by chance giving Fanny away?
JULIA
No.
FRANK
Because we’ve been through this.
JULIA
I know.
FRANK
I’m not trying to be heartless.
JULIA
I know.
FRANK
It just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. At least not right-JULIA
She’s not giving Fanny away.
FRANK
Okay then.
JULIA
...Fanny had puppies.
FRANK
Mm-hmn.
JULIA
And she said she’d give me one. Free.
FRANK
(A contemplative tone as he considers
the oxymoron.)
A Free Puppy. Imagine.
JULIA
That’s what she said. Her mom said I could if you said yes.
FRANK
I’ll bet.
JULIA
She did.
FRANK
I don’t doubt that.
JULIA
And I would walk her and feed her and use my allowance to pay for her food. And I’d take her
to the groomers-FRANK
Pick up her poop?
JULIA
I’d pick up her poop, and give her little chewy toys and play with her.
FRANK
And what happens when you go back to your mother’s?
JULIA
She won’t let me have a dog.
FRANK
Mm-hmn.
JULIA
She’s “allergic.” Or at least she pretended to be one time when I brought a stray lab named
Buster home. She kept sneezing but she didn’t like, turn red or anything. She was fakin’ it.
FRANK
So the dog would stay here.
JULIA
But I’d take care of her when I was here and when I come to visit she would be something we
could. Have together.
A moment.
FRANK
Before you read that, and I do want to hear your poem-JULIA
It’s good, Daddy, it’s really-FRANK
I’m sure it is and I’m sure if I hear it I won’t be able to say “No,” which is why I want to think
about this in a way that’s rational, logical, fair to me--these are not bad things.
JULIA
(Begins to recite.)
“My dog”-FRANK
AND I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT FIRST. And then I’ll listen to your poem.
JULIA
(A Frank quote.)
“It’s expensive.”
FRANK
Let’s break it down-JULIA
Having a kid’s expensive and people still do it.
FRANK
Having a child and having a puppy are two totally separate issues. That would be a-JULIA
“False Analogy.”
FRANK
(Laughs.)
Yes it would.
JULIA
It’s not funny.
FRANK
You know, you’re right: it’s not. So let’s break it down. Let’s say you spend a buck a day
feeding your dog. Forget the vet bills, license, toys, all that. $30 a month; $360 a year. The
dog lives ten years-JULIA
Fanny’s over-FRANK
Fifteen years. Times $360 is-JULIA
Ten times is 3,600 + half, 1,800 equals-FRANK
Five or six grand.
JULIA
5,400.
FRANK
Invested in any stock at 9% over the long term, say, well, by the time you’re my age that would
be-JULIA
And I’m sure you’d put it in something horrible.
FRANK
Actually I’d put it in Apple.
JULIA
Eew.
FRANK
Even with a conservative stock, that’s 5500, 11, 22, 44, 88, you leave that alone by the time
you’re my age: $100,000. You put that in Apple you’ll have a million. Or. You can have a
dog. In fact, if you want, I will put that same money, $30 a month, in a fund, dedicated to you,
we can choose the stocks together. Is that cold-hearted? Is that reasonable? And then you
have to ask yourself, honestly now, is this City any place to have a dog? Is that fair to anybody,
including the dog?
JULIA
...Sometimes you sound like Dylan just when you’re talking.
FRANK
Well that’s informative. Tell me what’s wrong with the argument.
JULIA
Do you really want to live in a place, in a City where you can’t have a dog?
FRANK
Honey, it’s just not that simple.
A moment.
JULIA
So. Does that mean you don’t want to hear my poem?
FRANK
...I would love to hear your poem.
JULIA
Great. I call this, actually I don’t have a title right now ‘cause Fanny isn’t really my dog and
I’m just imagining what that would be like if, you know, we got one of those puppies, and every
title I think of just sounds stupid but I like the poem. You sure you want to hear it?
FRANK
Yes.
JULIA
My dog
puts snout to bowl,
funnels in a bellyful.
Mad with joy
she lifts her head,
makes all exposed furniture
her napkin and
rolls crazy on the bed,
barking like a laugh.
Because she’s full
Because her four limbs work
Because she has love.
I salute her gratitude
for these things we all need
Under no circumstances may JULIA so much as refer to the paper
for these last stanzas. This is her trump card. She speaks directly
to FRANK.
So as tonight’s moon tilts
on the ardor of autumn trees
I say
to whoever’s responsible:
How beautiful the earth is
How good that my life can still surprise me
and, not least
Isn’t it fine
that there is food
and graceful movement
and sweet love,
which is all of these things at once.
A moment.
FRANK
We’ll think about it.
Eight
Frank Learns His Nemesis
Might Be the Father of His Child
PANGLOSS
My daughter said the same damn thing. “When we gettin’ a dawg?”
FRANK
(Still in the tub.)
I haven’t seen her since. My little girl. She’s just, you know, everything to me.
PANGLOSS
Yeah, that’s tough. Hey what are you having?
He whistles to HENDERSON, who is rolling out a portable bar--it’s a
sketchy version of the set we saw in the opening scene. PANGLOSS
removes facial hair or an article of clothing and transforms into
SINCLAIR. JULIA exits.
FRANK
(To the Audience.)
Those years after that, and there were several. It’s pretty much a blur. Except, of course, some
of the details from a certain little incident.
SINCLAIR
Another round of whatever he’s having for my friend here.
FRANK
Glenmorangie.
SINCLAIR
Whatever.
He turns off the meter, which, in the best of all possible worlds,
reads $100,000.
SINCLAIR
Hey, I guess it’s your turn to pay, huh?
The Gargoyle surfaces in the tub--it’s even bigger than before.
SINCLAIR
Or not. Okay, yeah. That’s a helluva mascot you got there. That thing come up from the
Sewers?
FRANK
It’s a Gargoyle.
SINCLAIR
Oh, yeah, whatever you say, Bud. Hey Hendu, you get a load of this “Gargoyle”?
HENDERSON
Yeah-yeah.
SINCLAIR
Right. Like you see one of these every day.
HENDERSON
I’ve seen it before. Couple times.
SINCLAIR
Yeah, you look familiar, Bud.
FRANK
I don’t think so.
SINCLAIR
You remember this guy?
HENDERSON
Oh yeah. He’s a stiff.
FRANK
Huh?
SINCLAIR
Bad tipper.
FRANK
Oh. Not anymore.
HENDERSON
That’s not what I remember.
SINCLAIR
Hey Bud, don’t piss her off.
FRANK
I wasn’t-SINCLAIR
I pissed her off one time--next thing I knew: Thhhp! Both my kidneys were gone!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
HENDERSON
(Brings two whiskeys.)
On the House.
FRANK
Thanks.
SINCLAIR
Bottoms up!
They drink. SINCLAIR motions to HENDERSON for another round.
FRANK
So, uh, what happened?
SINCLAIR
What.
FRANK
With your kidneys.
SINCLAIR
Oh yeah, well. I wish I knew. (Whispers:) I was a little drunk. (To HENDERSON:) It was
your friend though, huh? We know that.
HENDERSON
Sure we do.
SINCLAIR
Bitch.
HENDERSON
Idiot.
SINCLAIR
Whatever. Nine months later I get this letter saying I’m the father of her baby and for ten grand
she won’t tell wifey who divorced the shit out of me anyway. Never, NEVER put an ad in the
personals.
FRANK
So she had your--kid?
SINCLAIR
Daughter. Cute little girl but kind of, you know, Weird. Never quite sure what she’s up to, but
she’s so fuckin’ smart it scares you, you know what I’m saying?
FRANK
Then you still see her.
SINCLAIR
One time. And don’t even--okay, she finagled some cash from me.
FRANK
The daughter?
SINCLAIR
The mom. Plus she stole my car. (To HENDERSON.) And again, you know, thanks a heap
for warning me.
HENDERSON
You’re a stiff, too.
SINCLAIR
Yeah-yeah. (Downs the whiskey.) Again.
HENDERSON pours another whiskey for SINCLAIR.
HENDERSON
For a guy with no kidneys, you’re pounding ‘em pretty hard there.
SINCLAIR
No problem. The Aliens gave me a new one. And I don’t want to hear any flack about Aliens,
get me? They exist. I saw ‘em.
The Gargoyle emerges.
SINCLAIR
Whoa--down big fella. God that thing looks familiar.
FRANK
The Eyes of God.
SINCLAIR
(As he takes a big swig.)
What’s that?
FRANK
You said you saw the Eyes of God--beega-beeba.
...SINCLAIR spits his drink in FRANK’S face.
HENDERSON
Hey.
SINCLAIR reaches for FRANK’S glass. FRANK grabs SINCLAIR’S
hand--holds it over the glass.
FRANK
...Did you get the Dog?!
SINCLAIR
What?!
FRANK
The Dog she asked for? Did you get your daughter a dog?
SINCLAIR
What the fuck do you care?
FRANK
DID YOU GET HER THE DOG?!
HENDERSON
I SAID “HEY.”
FRANK
All I want is the truth!
HENDERSON
SINCLAIR
Hey! That’s enough, all right?
You gonna 86 this guy or
Hey!
what?!
FRANK
Just give me some truth!
The Gargoyle rises, moves toward SINCLAIR.
HENDERSON
Jesus.
SINCLAIR
Get that thing away from me!
question!
FRANK
Answer the fucking
SINCLAIR
All right already! All right.
FRANK
(As the Gargoyle resubmerges.)
Good Boy.
SINCLAIR
Just keep that thing away from me.
FRANK
The Dog.
SINCLAIR
Yeah, okay.
FRANK
She was asking.
SINCLAIR
(Checks again for the Gargoyle.
HENDERSON may echo particular
words or phrases.)
And she kept asking. And asking. You know how they do it; so yeah, I get her a bulldog pup,
and You Know Who get stuck with little fucker when she hit the road. And so one day I come
home and the dog had been in too long and peed on the carpet. So I tell him, I say, “Frank, you
do this again I’m gonna knock you to another zip code.” Not mean or anything, but you know,
the dog’s smart. He’s knows what I’m saying. And so what does he do: the next day he pees
in the exact same spot and so I give him a good whack, you know: Boom! Right in the head.
Try that again, Dog. That’ll teach you. Little guy lands right in the middle of his water dish.
So I take the dog (Laughs) he’s dripping wet, you know, another fucking mess on the floor. So
I take the dog (Laughs. To HENDERSON:) He’s not going to like this.
HENDERSON
I don’t think I’d be telling him.
SINCLAIR
What the hell. Shit happens, huh?
FRANK
What. What happened to the Dog?
SINCLAIR
I was just trying to dry him off. Geeze, you know. The thing was on “low.”
FRANK
What thing was on low?
SINCLAIR
The microwave. Who’d of thought? You know, 30 seconds: Ka-Boom! (Laughs.)
Freaky, huh?
HENDERSON
(A toast.)
Que sera-SINCLAIR
Sera.
Nine
How Frank Attacks Sinclair
& Decodes the King’s Message
The action is continuous.
FRANK
(To us.)
Now I know things got out of hand. But really, at this point, what choice did I have?
...FRANK attacks SINCLAIR. In fact, FRANK is going berserk and it
takes the full effort of HENDERSON and SINCLAIR to throw FRANK
out of the bar and into the street. Some of the following may be delivered
as FRANK is being thrown out:
FRANK
I don’t care if you did see the Eyes of God! I don’t care if you kissed His Nose! You’re going
to Burn in Hell for what you did to that dog! I hope God is a Dobie and chews your ass! Big
Time! You hear me? You hear that?! And she’s My daughter. Mine! My Genius, you hear
me?! She’s mine. What, you think a girl like that could spawn from you-you--Dog Killer!
By now FRANK is well out of the bar.
Well C’mon, c’mon. C’mon, c’mon! You want a piece of this?! C’mon--EAT ME you
slack-jawed delusional cretin scum. Eat Me! EAT ME!...My god, the King. Eat Me.
Oop-oop: poo poo! Daed-si laup: Paul is dead! Surlaw-Walrus! “You’re just not looking
at it right.” Oh my God-Dog. 3M - TA3. EAT ME!
To the Audience--ostensibly people on the street.
What are you starin’ at? I saw the King. He said, “Thank you very much,” and he’s (not) fat!
EAT ME! EAT ME! (To the heavens.) You hear that?! You got it all! Revenge Complete!
There’s nothing left to take! So back off!
FRANK’S monologue continues as ORDERLIES (or a lighting
change) carry him to a room in a psych ward. JULIA--now an adult-is waiting for him.
FRANK
(Calming down.)
God is a Dog. And he killed Him. But he can’t kill God. He can only condemn himself
because the god, the Dog is merely a physical embodiment of the spirit of how He wants us to
be: loyal and forgiving, brave and devoted to Life (to JULIA), to the moment. And you--you
saw that. My little girl recognized that Truth and I’m so sorry I didn’t give that to you.
JULIA
Daddy.
FRANK
And you named him Frank. So sweet. How could he do that? How could the hand, how
could we be capable of such an act? Sometimes. I’m embarrassed to be human.
FRANK looks at his hand.
Dogdamn opposable thumb.
JULIA takes his hand.
I want to hear that Dog poem. The one without the title.
JULIA
I can’t remember.
FRANK
I do.
JULIA
Then you say it.
FRANK
The thing is, I sound like an old Dylan record.
JULIA
Yeah.
FRANK
You know that’s the way you’re supposed to read. I guess you know that by now.
JULIA
Uh-huh.
FRANK
“Uh-huh.”
JULIA
And it still sucks.
FRANK
OK. Then tell me something that doesn’t suck.
JULIA
Dad.
FRANK
Please.
JULIA
(Pulls her hand away.)
I haven’t been writing.
FRANK
It doesn’t matter, does it? If you’re his or mine.
JULIA
I’m yours, Dad.
FRANK
It’s your spirit, it’s. From a different place. I’ve always known that. So really-JULIA
Dad.
FRANK
If I’m not the seed, so what? At least I’m a witness. A help in some small way.
A moment.
FRANK
Julia?
JULIA
Mm-hmn.
FRANK
What.
JULIA
I think I remember that Dog Poem.
FRANK
What were you just thinking.
JULIA
What.
FRANK
That look on your face.
JULIA
Once you get the first line, what is it: “My dog puts snout to bowl”-FRANK
You’re very bad at lying.
JULIA
I didn’t say anything.
A moment. He takes her hand.
JULIA
The thing is, I’m not really sure, but.
FRANK
But.
JULIA
I’m pretty sure you’re not the seed. So to speak.
FRANK
Uh-huh. And-and why is that?
JULIA
(A failed joke.)
“Break it down.”
FRANK
(A failed laugh.)
Yeah ... Why is that? ... Julia?
JULIA
Do you know where she got me?
FRANK
Where she “got” you?
JULIA
Does anyone?
FRANK
She was pregnant. She was, you were--nursing.
JULIA
Uh-huh. And how do you know that?
FRANK
Okay, well ... I don’t. Jeeze.
JULIA
Yeah.
FRANK
But she did raise you. You and her, she must have-JULIA
She spent a lot of time carting me from one place to the other. You know, to the “Dads.”
FRANK
The “Dads”? So like, more than--How many “Dads” are we talking about here?
JULIA
You were Number Nine.
FRANK
Number Nine?
JULIA
You think about it: the cars, Christmas, college funds.
FRANK
Number Nine?!
JULIA
It’s not like I had a choice. I was just a little kid.
FRANK
So the chances of you and me. Being.
JULIA
I do love you. I do.
FRANK
I’m devastated. That. That’s how you--grew up.
JULIA
It was never dull.
FRANK
Oh god.
JULIA
You’re ashamed of me.
FRANK
Of you?! Oh no. No, if I’m ashamed, it’s--because I’ve been such a goddamn idiot!
JULIA
(Scolds.)
Dad.
FRANK
(Embraces her.)
My little Julia.
JULIA
If you sing that stupid spider song I’ll scream.
FRANK
Julia Jewel. (Sings:) “The itsy-bitsy”-JULIA screams.
They laugh.
Frank begins to cry.
JULIA
Dad.
FRANK
Sorry.
He laughs. He continues crying.
A moment.
Julia takes his hand.
JULIA
...It started with our hands.
FRANK
I know.
JULIA
With this thing we use to rise above. And we call it-FRANK
The opposable thumb--Sorry.
JULIA
And I think thumbs are great, there’s so many ways they’re used. And I know I’m here now
‘cause this power turns objects into tools. But I don’t think this gives me the right to make up
all the rules. And we’re breaking all the rules. And we’re looking like spirit-less, fat-ass fools.
And I don’t think we were given hands to execute this degradation. I think hands were meant
for creation. And I believe I was given hands so I can touch and hold and feel and I believe I
was given hands so I can take my visions and make them real. I believe hands were meant to
heal. These hands were meant to heal.
FRANK kisses her hands. A NURSE enters and unfolds a lawnchair
for PANGLOSS. He begins taking notes on a package of seeds.
PANGLOSS
And did you see her after that?
FRANK
(Kisses JULIA’S hands once more.)
I do. She’s here right now.
PANGLOSS
Ahh. Of course.
FRANK
Lucy doesn’t control her every move. If Julia wants to see me, she sees me.
JULIA
(To PANGLOSS.)
Hello.
PANGLOSS
Remarkable.
FRANK
Isn’t it?
PANGLOSS
Your interaction with your daughter is bringing stability into your life.
FRANK
If you’re going to define me as stable. (Laughs.) But we’re definitely improving. Why are
you taking notes?
JOHN BURROWS enters with the Gargoyle, which is now back to
its original size. Another NURSE follows. She carries more garden
tools.
PANGLOSS
Why not? I’m here anyway.
FRANK
You’re seeing another patient?
PANGLOSS
Actually, no.
FRANK
Mm-hmn.
PANGLOSS
I’ve checked myself in. Actually. Only for a brief stay.
FRANK
Yes, but see, you’re not my psychiatrist any more.
FRANK points to Audience. PANGLOSS stands, looks to the Audience.
PANGLOSS
Oh. Indeed...My apologies.
JOHN BURROWS sets down the Gargoyle near FRANK.
FRANK
No problem.
PANGLOSS
Excuse me. Sort of embarrassing. Sorry.
PANGLOSS moves over to JOHN BURROWS to help scatter seeds.
FRANK
(To Audience.)
Don’t think I’m unaware of the fact that a few of the details have been altered by my memory:
(Looks to the Gargoyle.) Obviously. (Sotto:) I know he isn’t-He hesitates as JOHN BURROWS looks up.
FRANK
Even so, don’t get the idea I’m begging for my release. On the contrary, I like it here.
(Thumbs up to JOHN BURROWS.) And yeah, you know, maybe I do have a few “issues”
to work out, but I have friends here. I’ll never go back to that life I had, who I was. I can’t.
(Softly, to JULIA.) Woof.
JULIA
Woof.
FRANK
I would like to get out if, you know, you think I’m ready. I’m not pushing it here so don’t write
that down. But I’d like to go back to the Dakota building to return our little friend here. Take
him home and, you know, get that settled.
He puts his arm around JULIA.
JOHN BURROWS
Admit you were wrong.
FRANK
I was wrong. It’s true. And the thing is, you know, if someone had told me what was going to
happen if I followed this path. And the consequences. And all those miserable years alone?
It’s not the path I would have chosen. But when I look at Julia. At my little contribution.
JULIA takes his hand.
FRANK
You know as a father I look at the world-He tries to cover JULIA’S ears--a joke between them.
It’s a dangerous place. It’s glorious. It’s gorgeous.
JOHN BURROWS
Cruel. Unfair.
PANGLOSS
And yet for all that, for everything that’s happened, I still maintain-JOHN BURROWS
“Everything turns out for the best.”
PANGLOSS
Ahhhh.
JOHN BURROWS stifles a snicker.
with an all-knowing smile.
PANGLOSS looks to FRANK
FRANK
(With Diplomacy.)
Even so.
PANGLOSS
Yes?
FRANK
...We must cultivate our garden.
JOHN BURROWS
Your spade, sir.
FRANK
Thank you.
FRANK takes a hoe from JOHN BURROWS. JULIA grabs a spade.
They work in the garden. Fade to black.
The End