Life with Toddlers: Parenting from 1 to 3 Years
(From Parenting Counts, a product of Talaris Institute)
It’s a fact! Flash cards, “educational” DVDs and videos do not make toddlers smarter! There is no evidence
that flash cards, DVDs or even educational websites will raise your toddler’s IQ, teach her to read faster, or
learn math at a younger age. Instead, researchers have found that parents who interact with their kids have
the biggest influence on how well their toddlers learn. So read with your toddler. Talk with her. Play with
blocks and toys together. These are the best ways to help your toddler learn! (Research shows that too much
screen time at an early age can interfere with a child’s development, so focusing on active learning is best.)
Tips:
1. Create a Safe Play Place – Instead of having the “Land of No” set up safe places for her to play. Your
toddler will want to touch things, so make sure that anything dangerous is out of reach and out of sight.
Also, make sure safe toys are close by.
2. Follow Her Lead – your toddler is curious. Let her explore what interests her, and point out new
things, like a ladybug crawling on the ground, or how to catch snowflakes on her tongue. And don’t
forget to join in the fun!
3. Learn Together – Your toddler learns by playing, and her favorite toy is you. So play games, and
include her in your activities. The more you interact, the better.
4. Special Toys for Her Alone – When friends come to play, let your toddler put away a favorite toy so
she feels she has some say in special toys that are “just hers.”
5. Be Patient and Encouraging – Toddlers want to be independent. So let them try, even if it takes a
little more time. The tricky part is knowing when to help. So listen and watch carefully. Your toddler
will let you know if he needs you to step in and help.
6. Talk, Talk, and More Talk – Talk about the trees or cars, read signs at the supermarket, and describe
what you’re doing. Talk about everything in your toddler’s world and be sure to ask questions
(preferably open-ended questions). The more conversation, the better.
7. Read Together Every Day – Cuddle up and read to your toddler every day. You’re building a bond
and helping him learn the sounds of letters and words. Let him turn the pages. Ask him questions. Visit
the library together and let him pick out books.
It’s a fact! When leaving your toddler with a sitter or at child care, he will actually adjust more easily if you
say goodbye. It’s helpful to tell your toddler when you will be back and suggest things for him to do while you
are gone. Before you leave, start an activity together, like building a block tower, and then tell him it’s time
for you to go. He might still cry, but his being upset is not likely to last as long as when you sneak out the
door. And when you’re honest with him, he learns to trust and be honest with others.
Tips:
1. Tune-in to Her Cues – Sometimes toddlers don’t know how to express their feelings or their needs.
But they try to communicate in their own way. Watch and listen to what your toddler is trying to tell
you. It starts with tuning in to your toddler’s body language, and listening closely to her sounds and
words. Before long, you’ll learn what scares your toddler and what delights her.
2. Give Lots of Hugs – She may not ask for them, but your toddler needs hugs. From excitement to
sadness, joy to anger, a hug is always appropriate! Each hug sends her a message that she is loved,
safe, and that you are there for her.
3. She Still Needs You – Sometimes you’ll be surprised at how clingy your toddler is one day and how
comfortable she feels being away from you the next. Even as you encourage your child’s independence
with words like “You can do it” or “You figured it out yourself,” don’t forget that she needs you as
much as ever.
4. Let Him Explore on His Own – But stay close by! It’s important to let your child explore on his own
to learn about the world around him. Stay nearby so he feels safe and he can get back to you quickly.
When he wants you right next to him, he’ll come to you or drag you with him. Make sure you stay
close enough so he can see you, and so you can make sure things are safe.
5. Be Ready with Open Arms – When your toddler runs off to make a new discovery, it probably won’t
be long before he runs right back to you to share, or calls for you to “Look at me!” Be sure to respond
with your attention when he asks for it. Your hugs and encouragement give him the confidence to
explore and make even more discoveries.
6. Watch Them Closely – A toddler’s curiosity and desire to be independent can put him in harm’s way.
So always keep a watchful eye and try to anticipate his moves. This way you can allow him to explore,
but be close by in case he is trying to explore beyond his capabilities.
It’s a fact! Toddlers don’t know how to share. So don’t expect them to be good at it yet. This is a skill to be
learned. “Mine” is one of their favorite words, and this is normal for kids this age. The ability to share begins
to develop when a child is 3, and even then it comes along slowly. Try showing your toddler how to take turns
instead of insisting she share. You might say, “It’s your turn now to use the shovel, and when you are done it
will be Connor’s turn.”
Tips:
1. Accept Your Toddler’s Feelings – Kneel down to your toddler’s level when he’s upset. Make eye
contact. What does his expression or his body language tell you? What’s he doing with his hands?
Listen to your toddler’s story and take his feelings seriously. Instead of saying, “It’s no big deal, just
get over it.” Try saying, “I can tell you’re angry and embarrassed. I’ve felt that way too.”
2. Help Him to Calm Down – Tell your toddler his feelings count – in your words, tone, and actions. A
simple hug is a great first step in helping him handle his emotion. Be patient, as some children take
longer to calm down than others. If he won’t accept a hug, stay close and keep him safe until he is
ready to talk.
3. Help Her Name Her Feelings – Naming her feelings can help soothe her strong emotions. Giving
your child words for lots of feelings – like mad, sad, frustrated, embarrassed, and excited – helps her
match the right word with the feeling.
4. Problem-solve Together – Once your toddler is able to talk about her feelings and she calms down,
talk about what to do next. Listen to your child’s ideas before adding your own. You are teaching her
problem-solving skills. Over time, your toddler will learn how to find solutions on her own.
5. Set Limits – and Explain Why – Toddlers need to learn that certain behaviors, like pushing, kicking,
or hitting others are not okay. If she acts out, be careful to discipline her for what she does, not what
she feels.
6. Consider Your Own Feelings Too – The intensity of a toddler’s emotion can sometimes be hard to
take. If you find yourself losing control of your own feelings, take a few deep breaths. Give yourself a
moment to calm down before talking to your toddler. Your toddler is learning how to handle her
feelings by watching how you handle yours – so if you overreact, your toddler may too.
For more information, go to: www.ParentingCounts.org or www.Talaris.org
(Adapted from the Life with Toddler booklet by Betty Williams, NSCC Parent Education Instructor, 3/09)